Being Josh

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Part IX: The Note

"Excuse me" I said and hurried inside Jake's room. I closed the door. I was breathing so fast that I couldn't digest what had happened. A few moments later I was able to think. Jake's mom had come with him!! I quickly went to my room, closed the door, grabbed a pair of jeans and tee shirt and wore it. I saw the mirror and imagined my face to be bright white in embarrassment.
Just then Jake came in. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"I...A surprise...I was going to surprise you Jake!"

"You didn't surprise me, you gave me a shock!"

"How was I supposed..."

"It is okay. I told my mother you were expecting for your girl friend. She thinks you are a freak and I don't blame her."

"Now what?"

"She wants to see my room.." Jake said and opened the connecting door to his room. He turned around and looked at me with fury written all over his face.

Jake was naturally angry seeing that I had set up candles all over his room for a romantic night. His room was so clean and smelled good, for a perfect night. I looked at the floor and gave a stupid smile.

"I'm giving you ten minutes to blow out all those candles and get them out of there" Jake said.

"Okay..." I said running to his room.

One by one I blew the candles and took them in my hand. When I was blowing one of the candles on the mantel piece, drops of hot wax fell on my hand. I bore the pain and gave out a soft painful moan.

I could hear Jake speaking to his mom. His voice was coming closer to his room. I grabbed the last candle and quickly exited the room. Once I closed the connecting door I could hear Jake's mom say, "Ohhh is perfect. Just what you needed!"

I took a deep breath of relief. I sat there on my bed waiting for Jake's mom to leave. I was too embarrassed to meet her after what had happened. I dropped all the candles in the table drawer. The door opened and Jake came in...behind him was his mother! She freaks me out!

I stood up. "Mrs. Parker! It is a pleasure to meet you!" And I'm sure you quite enjoyed the act I had put on!

"Josh! Jake told me a lot about you..."

I could read her mind. She was thinking what a disgusting pig I am.

"I'm sure he did..."

"I should thank you for helping him find this apartment!" she said.

No...Mrs. Parker...I should thank you for all the pleasures your son has brought in my life.

"It wasn't that big a deal..."

"And of course for taking care of him!"

Taking care of him? I could laugh my ass of at that moment.

"Mom!" Jake whined "I'm not a kid for gods sake!"

"Sure Mrs. Parker." I said and winked at Jake. He was so embarrassed.

Two hours later Jake's mom left. I was busy with my project in my room when Jake finally came in to disturb me! He had come back at last! I stood up and hugged him. I kissed him.

"Want to have some fun tonight?" I asked him.

"Not tonight I'm too tired...I'm going to sleep", he said.

"What? how was the wedding?"

"Fine fine. It went well without any problems. I'm tired Josh. Going to sleep. Good night!"

"Good night" I said softly.

Ahh well, I waited so long, I can wait one more tonight.

The next morning when I woke up I was all smiles when I remembered the expression on Jake's mom seeing me naked! She still freaks me out!

I ran to Jake's room.

"Jake!!" I said. He wasn't there. He must be having an early class and taking his bath. I will surprise him in the shower! I went to the bath and he wasn't there too.

I came back to the hall and there was a note lying on top of the television. Ah...he must be having an early class and I'm sure a lot of catching up to do in college.

I was lying there near the television exhausted. It was past 2 PM and I had no strength in me to get up. I didn't feel like doing anything. I had not attended my class, who cared? I didn't care about anything anymore.

How could he do this? What had gone wrong? Why didn't he bother to talk to me about this? I didn't understand what was going on. God knows how long, but after some time I stopped thinking. My mind went blank. I was simply sitting there beside the television like a zombie. It was at 2 PM that the phone startled me. I slowly got up and picked it up.

Hello, I wanted to say, but my throat was dry. I swallowed a couple of times and managed to say, "H-e-l-l-o".

"Josh? Is that you buddy?"

It was Sam.

I had no intention of speaking to anyone. I didn't know what I was going through...shock? Sadness? Agony? Anxiety? I kept the receiver down. It started ringing again after a few minutes. I didn't pick it up. It stopped. A few minutes later it was ringing yet again.

There it was. In front of me. In neat letters, he had written:

I'm really sorry, that I'm just another creepazoid Josh. I have no other choice but to say goodbye.

- Jake.

With the deafening sound of the phone I closed my ears with my hands and buried my head in my knees. And I cried.

"Josh! Josh!" I could hear distinctly. I could hear slamming on the door.

I opened my eyes. I was smiling. It was just a bad dream. Nothing could come between me and Jake. But when I could see the sofa set, the television by my side, I realized it was no dream. I saw my wrist watch. Strangely I felt so weak. It was 9:10 AM.

Was it yesterday that I woke up planning for a fantastic day with Jake? I could hear someone turn the key in my door and open it.

"Josh! Josh!" he called out. Through the tears in my eyes I could see a hazy picture of Sam in front of me; he had that worried look on his face.

"Oh my god! What is wrong with you? Let me help you up..." he said.

He carried me by my shoulders and literally placed me on the couch.

"What the fuck happened? I called dozen times yesterday but no one answered. I got worried."

"Is he okay?" I heard another voice. Who was it? Why were these people here? What do they want with me? Why can't they leave me Jake?

"Adam...I don't know what is wrong with him. You talk to him, while I get something for him to eat"

Adam was now sitting in front of me now. He was putting on his trademark silly expression. The one he wore when he told me that he loves me. How I wish I had accepted him. It would have saved me from this horrid time. Adam was saying something but I couldn't understand what he was speaking. He then patted me on my cheeks and I could hear him.

"What is the matter? Josh? Josh?" he said.


"Who?" Adam asked, anxious like hell.

"He. J...Jake."

"Oh my god Josh! I'm so sorry" he said.

He instantly took me in his arms and hugged me. I closed my eyes and remembered how I had hugged Jake when he came back.

" this..." Sam said.

I didn't feel like eating or drinking. But when I started I couldn't stop myself. Adam whispered something into Sam's ears and I easily understood what was being said when I saw the change in Sam's face.

I was now hugging Sam. I thought, how different it would have been if I had gone out with Sam. Would I be happy?

They stayed with me as much as they could. I didn't talk much. I just told them to see Jake's note. They told me that I should talk to Jake. Then they told me it was better to move on. But I was not able to digest anything. I was never going to get out. I was never going to move on.

One week had passed since Jake had left me. I was slowly digesting reality and beginning to accept it. Jake had not called. He avoided me at college at all times. He sent someone to move his stuff out of our apartment. But it was no longer our apartment. Jake was gone.

Sam and Adam constantly saw me and took me out with them. I tried to act happy but how could I? I didn't understand why Jake left me. And I didn't even hate him for leaving me. If I could hate him I could get over him.

Maybe Jake likes some other girl. Maybe he is afraid. Maybe he doesn't like me. I couldn't satisfy myself with any reason. I could bear it no longer. But I couldn't do anything about it.

Today I saw Jake walking on the corridor. I walked towards him. I was standing in front of him looking into his eyes. But he wasn't able to look into my eyes. He was looking...beyond me. I couldn't say anything.  There was so much to say but still I couldn't speak anything. Finally he walked past me. I tried to control my tears from leaving my eyes

THUD! I bumped into someone.

"Sorry" he said.

"It was actually my fault. My mother was right - I have an extra toe!"

"I'm Jake. I'm majoring in architecture"

"Hello?" he said.

"I'm...Kosh. Josh. Josh." I continued, "I'm doing my major in architecture too"

"That's great! Hey, are you looking for a place to stay here? I'm new in this city and have no idea where to find cheap apartments. I don't want my aunt to put me up for long."

"You can stay with me!"


"Yes. I have an apartment with two rooms..." How I wish it was one "...and I need a roommate!"

"Are you sure?"


It had all began there. And now it was all over. I had met Jake six months back and got so close to him. I remembered each and every moment we spent together and cherished it. I always knew that Jake wasn't sure about the whole gay thing. So I worked harder to make him feel comfortable. Of course I lost control sometimes when I talked about marriage and children, to Jake and scared the poor kid. I knew time would have made him understand that It is okay to be himself...It is okay to be with me. But time failed me. What saddened me more was that Jake didn't even care to tell me why he left me. Maybe he loved me too much to see me get hurt.


Someone was banging on the door. I opened it. It was Mrs. Carton. She was the owner of the building and happen to live next door.

"Mrs. Carton!"

"Josh. I'm in a kind of an emergency. Nancy is stuck in school for some reason. I need to get there immediately. Can you take care of Jake till I come back?"

"Sure Mrs. Carton."

I knew I had to work on my project but Mrs. Carton had always been a kind woman. Little Jake was her four year old son. Nancy was nine. She was a naughty girl and I loved playing pranks on her and vice versa.

Jake was in the bedroom playing with his toys.

"So you are going to be okay here Jake?" I said.

"Yah Uncle Josh!" he said wryly.

Uncle Josh! That sounded so weird that I freaked out for a second.

I returned to the hall and switched on the TV. As usual nothing interested me. Suddenly something caught my eye and instantly excited me. I ran to my apartment. I opened my old trunk where I stored things I ought to dispose. Where the heck was it? I searched and searched. I found it at last!

I came to Mrs. Carton's hall. I inserted the video cassette into her player. I pressed play and looked up at the screen. There he was. Jake. In all his glory...making breakfast for us. I sat there close to the set and watched as we ate his delicious breakfast. I couldn't watch any more. Suddenly I realized something. There was no sound of toys coming from Little Jake's room. I got up and went to his room. Little Jake was missing! I looked everywhere, he wasn't there! I came back to the hall. I saw the open door. My heart was now beating so fast that I found it difficult to breath. Duk-Duk Duk-Duk Duk-Duk

"Jake! Jake!" I shouted. "Jake...where are you? Jake!" Jake where are you? Why did you leave me? "Come back Jake" Please come back to me.

I was relieved when I saw Little Jake trying to reach the elevator button. I grabbed him.

"Why did you leave the room like that?" I asked him sternly.

"Because...I'm afraid of Uncle Josh" he said.

"Why are you afraid of Uncle Josh?"

"Why is water in your eyes?" Little Jake asked me.

"Never mind." I said wiping the god damn tears from my eyes.

The next day at college was pathetic. I couldn't concentrate on my classes and something was at the back of my head. Something I had forgotten. But it just doesn't strike me.  On the way back home I remembered. I panicked. How could I be so stupid? So careless? I shouldn't have done it in the first place. Oh god, this could have disastrous consequences. How I wish Mrs. Carton doesn't see that tape I left in her player!

I ran as fast as I could. When I reached her apartment I was panting. I bent down and took support of my knees, catching my breath. When I regained my composure I knocked on her door.

I loved my apartment. I had done everything to make it comfy for me....and Jake. Although I never liked to keep my room clean, I made sure the things were in place in the hall. I opened my cupboard and one by one pulled out my clothes dumping them into a huge bag.

Suddenly something dropped down. I picked it up. It was a photo. A photo taken with Sam, Adam, Jake and myself eating lunch after the trek we had. I looked closely at Jake. He didn't look happy. Why didn't he just tell me what was bothering him at that time? I placed the photo along with my other belongings. I had a few more stuff to move, but figured I would do it later.

The expression on Mrs. Carton's face pretty much summed up the fact that she had already seen the tape. I had never ever seen such an expression on her face. She went inside her room and came back.

"Here is your tape!" she said.

"Mrs. Carton..."

"Josh. I understand. I promise I won't tell anyone..." she said.

I was relieved and I was smiling.

"I want you to leave this apartment first thing tomorrow morning" she said, trying not to look me in the eyes.

My smile faded away.

I decided I would move out immediately. I cried. But I knew there was nothing that can be done. I just wish people like Mrs. Carton understand how it feels to be one of us... What have I done wrong? Is it my fault that I was born like this? Why can't they understand that we cannot change what we are? Things were getting worse. It was like the whole world was turning against me. First I lose Jake, then my apartment...what now?

I didn't care. She wanted me out and I was moving out, tonight. I grabbed my bag and left.  I left the JJ Apartment.

"Josh...why can't you just stay here? I have plenty rooms here!" Sam said.

"uhh....the college is so far from here Sam. Don't worry...I will find a better place." I didn't want to impose on Sam. It wouldn't be fair, I take advantage of him and live here.

"Well okay...I can help you out there too. I will ask someone to look out for an apartment."

Sam walked towards the door. He switched the lights off. "Goodnight..." he said.



"I can't tell much... thankful I am"

"Just go to boy"

The next morning I came back to my apartment...well it is no longer pick up some more stuff before I go to college.

I was on the floor in the hall, searching for the darn books that Jake loved. I never liked them. My mom gave them to me to read when I got bored alone. Got it. Just then someone bent over and was sitting besides me.

"Josh..." Jake said. 

End Of Part Nine

So Jake becomes mysterious and leaves Josh. I hope you don't hate my for making Jake do this to poor Josh! Tune in for more soon.

If you have read this story do write to me your suggestions/comments/criticism at YES! It does make a LOT of difference!