The next morning, and most of the night after his first two hours of sleep, Chris was hung over beyond repair. Not only that, but he got sick twice while I was trying to get some extra writing in before my social sciences class. I just woke up with more inspiration leftover from last night, I guess. The story was really beginning to grow into something special, and my emotions were so closely related to what my main character was going through, that pushing out another few pages took no effort at all. Then, I saw Chris running to the bathroom with his hand over his mouth. Needless to say, it didn't really do much to enhance my mood for writing a LOVE story. Some people are naturally noisy vomiters...and Chris must have taken some titles back in his day. Yucky! Finally, I just decided to save my work to a disk and take it to the computer lab instead. At least there I'd get some peace and quiet. I really wanted to finish my current train of thought. I'll just have to repeat the scenes over and over again in my head until I get there. I hope I don't lose anything during the walk.
It was almost a perfect day outside, with just the right amount of sunshine to be warm, but not uncomfortable. Just the right breeze to be playful, but not too cool. It was a short ten minute walk from my dorm to the computer lab, but it was an enjoyable one. Ok, so where was I? Oh yeah....so the main boy was just feeling unloved and unwanted, and he just needed some support. But he didn't know where to find it, and that's where the love interest comes in and just....sighhh....totally makes him feel like he mattered again. Yeah, this is gonna be good. Aww man, I wish Chris would take some time to READ this stuff! He'd love it so much! I know he would! I'm gonna try to find a way to trick him into giving it a look soon. I just wanna know what he thinks about my work. It means a lot to me, you know?
The lab was half empty, half full, when I got there. As was to be expected on an early Wednesday afternoon. And I made sure to get myself a place by the window. I always feel more inspired when I can just look outside and see a little sunshine. Or moonlight. Or maybe even a little rain. As long as it's 'life', you know? It helps me to think. I took out my notebook and jotted down a few new thoughts that I had on the walk over. I know it seems crazy to walk around talking to yourself in your head, but I come up with my best dialogue that way. I've practically got the next conversation planned out word for word already. Oh man, if I can just rmember it all and type it out just right, it's gonna be AWESOME! It took only a minute or two for me to get myself settled in, and actually in the mood to channel whatever it is that lets me put words on a page and have them make sense. I set up my screen and cracked my knuckles a bit to loosen my fingers up. I had to go back read the last few paragraps that I wrote in my dorm room to make sure that the transition to new material was fluid and natural, and that I was in the same frame of mind as I was when I left off. And just then, as I was a couple of sentences deep into the next paragraph...I heard a voice over my shoulder.
"Hey, you took my favorite seat." He smiled, and I looked up to see Devon's beauty hitting me directly between the eyes. It really was a level of 'cute' that people should be warned about beforehand so you could prepare yourself to see it full blast like that.
"Hi..." I said with an infatuated grin. "...I'm sorry, is this your seat? I didn't know."
"Hehehe, I'm just kidding, dude, relax." He sat down at the computer next to me and put his notebook up on the table. It looked brand new, not like my old messed up pile of dingy paper. "I usually sit next to the window, that's all. It helps me to think." He said.
"Yeah...me too." I was a bit nervous, but he had such a welcoming personality, and a warm smile as a willing accomplice. I don't think I've ever known anyone who was so easy to talk to. Well...you know...when I'm not stuttering like some kinda goofball, that is. "Um..." I started, and my words suddenly seemed to vanish from the tip of my tongue again. Devon looked over at me, and giggled at my loss of speech. It made me blush. "Sorry."
"S'ok. Save it for the page." Devon loaded up his own computer and got ready to type. I don't know why it was so important, but just knowing that we were getting ready to write together, side by side in the lab like that....it made me wiggle inside. "Are you working on your assignment for tomorrow?" He asked. "Maybe you're a last minute freak, like me?"
"No. Actually...I finished it a few days ago." Ok Eli, that's it. Just mellow out, put one word in front of the other...and speak like you have a brain in that box on your shoulders. "This is just something that I kinda write for myself. You know...just for fun."
"Oh? Sweet! Well, that's cool." He seemed impressed. "I write a lot of stuff for myself, but I always keep it mixed up in this jacked up notebook of mine. I never really typed it up before. Or even put it in order for that matter."
"It's not in order?"
"Nope. It's just like...all of these events in one person's life, you know? And whenever I'm in a certain mood or feel a certain way, I add another part of his life that kinda seems similar. So like, if I have a really bad day, and I feel like shit, I'll have something happen to him that makes him really angry, and I can scream and rant and rave in my writing all I want. If I'm sad, I might have someone leave him behind, or die, or break his heart. And if I'm horny..." He giggled a bit. "...Well, no explanation needed there. Anyway, I write everything out of order because it's always more potent if I'm actually going through something significant." I think I was swooning at this point, staring into those bright eyes of his and feeling weak in the knees...even though I was sitting down. "Sometimes, life can really suck, big time. And I have to confess to being a bit oversensitive sometimes about certain things. But...when I write it down, and I dettach myself from it a bit, it gives those bad feelings some purpose, you know? It's like this big..."
His magnetic hazel eyes looked up as he searched for the word, and I said, "...'Release'."
"Omigod, yeah! A release. That's exactly it." He said. I think I had this undeniable moment of awe that just completely took over all of my senses at once. It was so strong that I think my heart had trouble beating fast enough to keep up with the joyful sensations running through it. It was like....he understood. He knew what it was like to feel how I feel and think what I think. I couldn't believe that this amazing person actually existed somewhere in my current reality. Our eyes connected for a second, and I found it SO hard to pull away. So hard. "So...can I read your story?" He asked, instantly snapping me out of my trance.
Read my story? He WANTS to read my story? COOL!!! Oh wait....wait. No...he can't do that. It's...it's a 'gay' love story. He can read my other stuff, but not this one. He doesn't know about me yet, and I don't know if this is the best way to suddenly expose myself to him. I know I'm supposed to be creeping out of the closet and all, but I'm sorta taking that one step at a time. I didn't know him well enough to trust that he wouldn't run away when he found out. I didn't want him to run away...I liked his company. I wanted to keep it for a little while longer. "Um...well, like....it's not exactly finished yet. So..."
"Ah, ok. I get it. That's cool. But don't think you're gonna get out of letting me read something of yours eventually. This will be the second time you cheated me." He grinned. "Besides, the stuff you wrote for class so far has been incredible."
"Really? You think so?" I asked. It was such an honor to have this boy, who I admired soooo much, suddenly take an interest in something that I enjoyed. It was like having my two greatest pleasures rolled into one, like the first time someone tried having a scoop of ice cream with a warm slice of apple pie. "I...uh...I'm always kinda self conscious about my writing."
"Well, don't be. It's fucking good! You're like my main competition in that class, hehehe! I have to admit...I kinda write my own stuff with yours in mind." He said with a sheepish grin.
"Hehehe, are you serious?"
"Yeah. But, IF I were keeping score...and I'm not saying that I am...but if I WAS...tomorrow's assignment will be the tie breaker between us."
I gave him a sideways look. "Are you suggesting that you beat me on a couple of those assignments?"
"Of course I did, I'm awesome." He said, and tried to hold back his giggles. Unsuccessfully.
"Well then I suggest that you get to work on your last minute assignment for tomorrow. You're gonna need some luck." I teased.
"And YOU might wanna revise what you already finished. Because I'm creeing up on first place, buddy." He grinned and my whole body melted into my chair. He is seriously too good to be true. "And when you're done...conceding defeat, that is...then you have to let me read your story. Deal?"
"Um...hehehe...." I felt myself getting all goofy again, and had to stop myself. STOP IT! I've got a boyfriend! Look...but no touchy touchy! Get your emotions in check, dude. Geez! "Ok...maybe. When I finish." I said, and he looked over at me.
"A true story is never finished. It just keeps going forward, whether you write it out or not." He replied. "Something one of my old English teachers told me. Sounds 'wise', doesn't it?"
I think there was something about his very aura that paralyzed me in mid stare. There was this warm feeling in my chest that slowly began to melt into liquid and spread out to every inch of my body. I felt it sneak its way into my arms, and slowly flow down to my fingertips. I felt it tickle its way around my sides and run up and down my spine with its energetic tingle. It reached up the sides of my neck, covering my cheeks and buzzing gently behind my ears. My whole body was soon humming with this invisible vibration that I couldn't really understand fully. But whatever it was...it made me oh so happy. Just to be there. Just to know him. Just to have him recognize me from day to day. And by the time I was able to break away from his hypnotic beauty...I was playfully ashamed of the thoughts running through my mind. In fact, I found myself blushing at random times throughout the next hour and a half in that computer lab, or smiling to myself for no reason whatsoever. Nearly snickering outloud as Devon kept playfully peeking over to see what I was writing. He made a game of it between small bursts of witty conversation. We hardly got anything done, more wrapped up in each other's presence than in our work. Which of course only led to more stifled chuckles and boyish shoves and pokes at one another. My nervous giggling only made him grin and giggle along with me, which in turn made my condition even worse. I'm surprised that we didn't get ourselves kicked out of that place with the low key disturbance we were causing.
I know, I know...I've already got Chris, and I'm HAPPY! Blissfully happy! But if I didn't, Devon would have definitely made an awesome first time boyfriend. He's just too sweet to ever do you any harm, you know? Besides, it's not like I'm cheating or anything. I'm not even flirting. I just...I like Devon a lot. We're having fun. He fills in those little pieces of me that Chris seems to miss from time to time, that's all. So what's the harm?
When I had to go to my social sciences class, I seriously felt a sense of loss by having to leave him there. I honestly didn't wanna go. I stayed in the lab until the very last possible minute, and then made sure to save what I added to the story. Devon was into his own story, and I stopped to listen to the sound of his fingers on the keyboard for a moment. He still looks down at his fingering. That's so cute. I glanced up,and saw his shiny blond hair brush against his cheek...and it created this sudden vaccuum in the center of my heart. I don't know what it was about that particular moment in time, but it shook me to the very core, and I was instantly mesmerized by him. Even through all of the crushes that I had in high school, even through the best of times that I had with Chris...I had never felt this way about anybody before. And that sudden realization frightened me a bit. Because the vaccuum seemed to get strong and stronger by the second, and it was suddenly hard to breathe. It was as if his very existence was compelling my spirit to 'bet it all' on the chance that he'd want to be any closer to me he is right now. That...I could just lean over a press my lips against that soft cheek and have him react in a way that wouldn't result in a black eye and a broken heart.
This was...happening WAY too fast for me. I need to slow down and think here. I don't need a crush right now. I just don't. "I've...gotta go to class." I said, rushing to collect my stuff and get up from the table.
Devon's pretty eyes looked up at me, and I watched his sweet kissable lips in motion as he said, "Oh...ok. Well, it was cool talking to ya, Eli."
I was frozen in place. "Yeah...well it's just...I have to get to class. So I can't really stay."
"When do you have to be there?"
I looked up at the clock. "Um...four minutes ago." I answered, a tremble in my voice as my body gave into the unexpected drop into this vat of unrestricted emotion.
He gave me a smirk as his fingertips pulled some of his hair out of his face. "Well, you're gonna have to make quite a sprint then, aren't ya?" I nodded, and stood there with the dumbest smile on my face. I leaned from one foot to the other, my hands fidgeting with the fabric of the pocket in my jeans. Devon's smile grew wider as he saw me standing there. "Hehehe, GO already! College professors hate it when you're late."
The comment temporarily brought me back to my senses. "Right. Yeah. I'm going. See ya later." I started to walk away, but stopped myself. I just...I HAD to ask. "Um...look....are you gonna be here? Like...next week?"
Devon gave me a mischevious smirk. "I will be if you let me sit next to the window."
I smiled wide, and then tried to suck it back in before he saw how 'involved' I was in all this. "Ok...sweet. I'll...I'll see you then."
"And in class tomorrow, right?"
"Oh. Right. Class. Sure. Tomorrow then." I waved a bit and backed away from him as he got back to work. "Bye." It was stupid, I know. A part of me wanted to shake it off right away before I got myself into trouble. But another part of me wanted to hold onto it forever, before I lost this wonderful feeling inside. Is it possible to be in love with two people at once? No. No way. I'm sticking with Chris. I've found myself something magical with my boyfriend, and I'm not going to be tempted into screwing it all up. I'm lucky. And I should be satisfied.
Devon sure does provide one hell of a temptation though.
For the next three weeks, not only did I see Devon in class, but we made it a habit to have a little writing session together in the computer lab too once a week. He said that I inspired him to write so much more than he usually does. He even started a little story on the side too, just for fun. One that he never let me read! Hehehe! I think he just did it to have something to combat the fact that I was so secretive with my own stuff. But hey, it was charming. And we had fun together. Even though he never read a word of my story, he always made a point of asking me how it was going, and how I felt about its progress. He couldn't WAIT to see it, and he promised to give me his on the same day I let him read mine. He was even there to buy me a strawberry frosted donut with a little candle in it to celebrate me finishing my 100th page. I was totally caught by surprise, and he had me blow out the candle before we went into the computer lab and they kicked us out for trying to start a fire or something. Chris, on the other hand, didn't seem all that interested in my writing at all. But he DID promise me he'd read it when it was all finished and everything. I'd much rather have him tell me what he thought chapter by chapter like Devon did...but I guess I can wait. As long as he reads it eventually. I wish I could get him as excited about it as I am. I had never written anything so long, so detailed, so meaningful before. It was like it wasn't even ME writing it. The words just splashed themselves across the screen faster than my poor fatigued fingers could type. Something about the way I was feeling inside made it easy. SO easy! It wouldn't stop. And the words I was using, the depth of detail, the emotional potency of it all....it was beyond definition. It was far from perfect, and riddled with mistakes that I'm sure I would be kicking myself for later...but for me...it was the best thing I had ever written. And sitting there next to Devon, being with Devon, looking at Devon, thinking about Devon...seemed to fill my efforts with rocket fuel and send it rapidly streaking across the sky. I know it sounds weird, but Devon was the best writing muse that I had ever had. And my writing had never flourished so much in so little time. I loved it.
Over time, it got easier and easier to talk to him about...well...everything. And that made things 'difficult'. There would be times when I found myself gazing at him with this neverending shiver in the pit of my stomach. Naturally, I would look away as soon as I caught myself doing it....but the shiver was still there. When he walked past me, I would inhale deeply, just trying to catch a hint of the soapy fragrance that he seemed to carry with him at all times of the day. And I would lose all concentration during the duration of his gorgeous smile. I don't think I've ever seen a smile so beautiful. Not on anybody. I felt conflicted about my attraction to him, so I pushed away every sexual thought that entered my head concerning Devon. But...a majority of my thoughts weren't even all that graphically sexual. I just...I just wanted to lightly press my lips against the curve of his neck, or snake my arms around his slim waist and pull him close to me. I wanted to feel his fingers brush gently through my curls, or have his nose playfully rub back and forth over my own. For crying out loud, even the idea of holding his HAND seemed like a powerful enough image to make me blush and giggle furiously in his presence. It was insane! But it wouldn't go away. Even when I tried to overcompensate by spending more time with Chris to make up for it. I kissed Chris every time Devon entered my mind. I showered with him, I made love with him, I talked to him...it was enough to drive poor Chris crazy with all the sudden attention. But I just wanted to get back to my life. I have been waiting for someone like Chris my entire life, and I got him. I would be a bastard to throw God's gift back in his face and go chasing some pretty boy now. Devon's....he's hot. That's all. But there are a LOT of hot boys here. What am I gonna do? Sleep with them all?
So...I continued to walk that very thin tightrope for another week and a half. I was almost done with my story, and feeling an awesome climax coming on. I couldn't wait to get there, but decided to take it slow. Don't rush it, just keep writing what you're writing, and let it come naturally. Geez, I hope Devon likes it when he reads it. Maybe I'll go back and re-edit the older stuff just one moretime before I let him get started.
Then, one day as we were sharing a quick laugh with one another and walking back to the dorm, I felt this compelling 'push' in the back of my throat. This emotional pressure that seemed to be expanding rapidly and forcing me to look over at him as we were walking. Devon was talking about something he read in a Reader's Digest last week, and just being his usual cheerful self...but I wasn't paying attention. His voice was muffled by this giant sweeping feeling of...need. I watched his long blond hair sway gently against his cheek, and his lips looked as though they were moving in slow motion. It created this mellow panic in my heart, but I was determined to actually use that energy to get up some courage for a change. So...after a little hesitation, I asked him, "Say...why don't you come up for a few minutes?" He gave me a weird look, as I'm sure that my sudden comment didn't have anything to do with what he was talking about. But I just had to ask. And I had to do it at that moment. See, Devon and I always had fun hanging out, but he always went his own way when it came to being in someone elses dorm room. It's like this intense smokescreen of shyness would suddenly cloud over him and he'd back away with a timid grin, promising me that maybe we'd do it next time. It was something that I never really pushed before because Chris was there. And although I wanted to tell Devon that I was gay weeks ago, I just kept avoiding the opportunity. It's not like he ever asked, and I was certainly in no big rush to tell him. So I purposely let the question linger between us, and just enjoyed what we had on the surface for as long as I could. Somehow, I thought that introducing him to my 'boyfriend' might put a kink in that plan. But...it was one of those comfortable occassions when I thought, 'what the hell?'. Maybe it's time he knew. I'd hate to think that it would change anything between us. But you never know. What semi-closeted homosexual really has the ability to predict how someone's gonna react to that kinda thing. The cute boys are always hardest to tell. Because it makes them question what you want from them. What you're asking them for. Funny thing is...I wouldn't mind Devon thinking the worst...if only he'd say yes.
"Come up? To your room?" He asked.
"Yeah, why not? You can meet my roommate, Chris. We'll chit chat for a while...it'll be fun. You'd like him." I could see him bite his bottom lip as he tried to fight back his bashful instincts. Here comes the smoke.
"Um...I dunno. I should prolly get back to my room. I gotta finish some homework before the weekend..."
"C'mon...come over. Just for a little bit." I whined. "I'll let you read the first page of my story."
"Awww, no way! That's so unfair!" He grinned. He looked away from me to hide his smile from me while he thought about it some more. Then he giggled in the cutest way as he looked back at me to see if I was really serious. "Um...yeah, ok. I guess that could be fun. Sure." He said it so softly, turning his smile away from me again as he walked at my side. It was so awesome the way his hair moved in to hide his face when he was being slightly withdrawn. "But you totally cheated me. I just want you to know that."
"I can live with that." I smiled, and we walked into the dorm building. Together.
I can remember the silence surrounding us during the elevator ride to my floor. It was only a few seconds more than usual, but it was the longest time that I had ever spent in an elevator with him before. That tiny confined space, just the two of us, nervous about looking one another in the eye. It was tense, but far from uncomfortable. I could smell a hint of his appealing aroma as the small box like space kept us huddled close together. That super clean smell of sweetness, body heat, and a hint of vanilla. As his golden hair hung still on the sides of his face, I imagined that he was what pure summer sunlight would look like if it was suddenly forced to take a human form. His eyes stayed focused on the moving numbers at the top of the elevator, and I saw his hand fumble slightly at his side, his thumb hooked into his pants pocket as he became self conscious about taking a slightly more personal step into my life. It's like Devon was totally unaware of how utterly gorgeous he is. His beauty was unbelievably innocent, unnaturally sweet. Seeing him fidget just made him all the more alluring. It was a momentary loss of my rational thought that caused me to look over at the hemp necklace wrapped snugly around his neck....and I wondered what it would be like to kiss that magical spot just underneath it. The ticklish beginning of that gentle curve. To momentarily press my lips against its smooth surface, and inhale that genuine scent as my gentle suction pulled his flesh closer to the tip of my tongue. I know I was bad for thinking it. But Jesus....he was too cute to not expect the most erotic fantasies to be affected by his mere existence in someone elses field of vision. I swear, the twenty five seconds that we spent in that elevator lasted a lifetime for me. And when the doors opened again, I felt guilty for emotionally cheating on my better half worse than ever before. Even if it was just for a little while.
We walked out into the hallway, and I think that Devon was actually trembling as he tried to keep from turning back. I didn't want him to feel intimidated by me raising the stakes of us hanging out or anything, but I didn't want to be stuck on that pretty island of communication that we had built for ourselves so far. A fortress of small talk that rarely dipped deep enough into our natural lives to register as something that could last beyond this semester. I wanted more. A LOT more! And I didn't want this to just come to an appropiate and respectful end once our class was overwith. I wanted....sighhhh...I wanted to 'keep' him. I don't know why, but I did. Besides, the whole 'trying not to be shy' bit was extremely cute on him. I couldn't get enough of it.
As we walked down to the end of the hall, I heard loud music coming from my room. I mean LOUD! And I saw some guy that I had never seen before go inside with his girlfriend. The door was propped open, and it looked like a full blown party was going on in the middle of the day. Devon and I looked at each other for a moment in confusion, and we moved forward to see what was going on.
When I walked through my dorm room door...all of the shades were closed, and the room was literally full of these...random people. Nearly 30 students were either dancing, smoking in our kitchen, or standing on our furniture. At first, I thought that someone had just broken into our room as a prank while Chris and I were gone and just decided to completely take over. But then...I noticed Chris in the corner, that same glazed look in his eye, that same half drunk smile, guiding another intoxicated boy over to our refrigerator. What the hell was going on here? It was like three o'clock in the afternoon! They're partying like it's ten minutes to midnight on New Year's Eve!
"Uhh....this is your room?" Devon asked me.
"No!" I said, but then came out of my shock. "Well....yeah, it is. But...I mean...it's not usually like...this..." I said, still not believing my eyes as I wondered if any of my personal stuff had been destroyed in the wake of this midday celebration. "Hold on for a second, ok? I'll be right back."
I had to push my way over to the kitchen, getting bumped around by what looked like the entire sixth floor. I put my hand on Chris' shoulder while he was talking closely with some other red haired freshman boy. He turned around with a huge grin and shouted, "Heyyyyyy! Dude, it's about TIME you got here! Where have you been?" I could barely stand to smell his breath without getting dizzy. What the hell had he been drinking???
I took a step back ad put my hand on his chest to keep him a certain distance away from me. "Where have I been??? I was in the COMPUTER LAB!!! Chris...what the hell IS all this???" I shouted over the music.
"Oh man, it's the craziest shit, man! Craig's brother came to visit him, and he totally brought him a bottle of tequila to have a fun time later on tonight. Well, Craig and his brother came over here to share it with me, and I'm like, 'bro...why don't you open this shit right now, and then go out to get some more 'liks' for us?' So he's down, and he comes back with FOUR more bottles and a hottie they met near the library!" He said, slurring his words and having to hold on to my shoulder to remain standing. "So Mark comes over from across the hall and drinks with us a bit, we start playing some Guitar Hero, and then we turned some music on! More and more people showed up, so we had to turn up the music louder, which attracted even 'more' people...and now we've got like a kick ass 'party' going on, dude! The fuckin' SUN is still up, man! Dig that!" He cackled.
"Chris?!?! We're gonna get in trouble! The Resident Assistant is gonna totally bust us for a party like this!" I said.
"Who? You mean HIM?" Chris said, pointing to our R.A., who was dancing in the corner with a pretty girl, a hand on her breast. "He's had more to drink than anybody in this joint!" I wrinkled up my forehead a bit, trying to figure out how his stomach can even handle alcohol at three in the afternoon. But Chris never lost his sloppy grin, even when he saw the distressed look on my face. "It's alright, Eli! Don't worry so much! Come on! Get something to drink! I got you!" He put his arm over my shoulder to open the fridge, but I shrugged him off.
"That's...that's alright. Forget it. Just....don't drink too much. Ok, honey?" I asked him, and he gave me a weird look like I was crazy. Not to mention cringing at the name 'honey'. "Nevermind. Have fun." I said, and backed up a few steps more to work my way back through the mass of people, who seemed to be increasing in number by the minute. Chris got right back into the swing of things, and I have to admit that it hurt. The ONE day I finally bring Devon over, he decides to get smashed and totally wreck the place. The walls literally began to vibrate as the music was pumped up even louder. There was no point in trying to stop the celebration's momentum now. The best I could do was try to keep my share of stuff from getting broken and stepped on. I swear, if anybody pukes on our floor, Chris is cleaning up all by himself.
It took me a while to find Devon in all of those people, and his frail little body was being bumped and knocked back and forth by everyone around him. I used my arms to spread out a small circle to protect him for a moment, and shouted, "Dude...I'm sorry about all of this!"
He shouted back, "WHAT???"
"I SAID I'M SORRY! THIS PARTY JUST SORTA CAME OUT OF NOWHERE! IT HAPPENED ALL BY ITSELF!"
"OH!" He screamed. "IT'S OK! REALLY! I NEEDED TO HAVE SOME FUN ANYWAY!" He giggled.
He was being really good natured about it, and even in the somewhat dark room, his pretty eyes seemed to shine with a charm that lifted my spirits instantly. "OK!" I said, giggling along with him. Knowing that he wasn't totally horrified defnitely relieved me. So I figured I'd make the best of it and try to turn a potentially bad situation into a good one. "WELL...DO YOU WANT A DRINK OR SOMETHING, THEN? WE'VE GOT...UMM...WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL WE HAVE! BUT I'M SURE I CAN GET YOU SOMETHING!"
He leaned in close to my ear, "ACTUALLY, I DON'T DRINK! BUT THANKS, THOUGH!"
"Me neither...." I said, and I doubt he heard me over the music, but it was another one of those moments that moved me to wonder exactly what the hell I was doing here. Why I was even with...um...Chris! YES, I remember his NAME! Whatever. I had to think for a moment. What did I really want from him? What did he expect from me? Where was this going? Am I really infatuated with someone else while I'm love with Chris? Or....am I still even in love with Chris?
The thought seemed blasphemous. I had to put it out of my mind. I was trying to hard to remember what it was like over the past few months. How happy I've been. The sex, and the kisses, and the...well....the sex and the kisses. It didn't make sense. How can somebody that I've never laid a hand on in my life, someone that I've never kissed, or even know if he's GAY, much less 'interested'...just come along and compliment me so perfectly? Why can't I get him off of my mind when I had everything that I could ever want right here? The more I thought about it, the more I found myself defending my love for Chris. But...with Devon, there was no question that my growing feelings for him were getting out of control. And yet, I never had to defend a single one of them. They were just kinda....'there'. Waiting for me to notice. Waiting for me to act on them. I've gotta stop thinking like this. This is stupid! Knock it off! You're gonna throw away something real over a crush? Don't be an idiot.
I spent the next twenty minutes or so just trying to remind a few guys that standing up on our couch with their dirty shoes would get them tossed out on their ass. I made sure to carry my cds and video game system into my room and locked the door. Just to prevent a stranger with 'sticky fingers' from taking my stuff. I kept an eye on Devon, who was still pretty quiet, but was able to keep up conversation with a few familiar faces who recognized him. I hope he's not overwhelmed or anything. I'm sure he wasn't expecting this. Hell...*I* wasn't expecting this! But as long as he wasn't running out of the room screaming, I suppose he's alright for a moment or two while I put things in order. I made sure to put a blanket over my computer and desk to protect it in case anyone spilled something on it. I do NOT have money for a new computer! And I just double and triple checked to make sure that nothing valuable was in harms way. Nobody seemed capable of resisting those sudden destructive impulses, and I'll be damned if I lose any of my possessions to this bullshit. I searched the room again to see Devon still mingling a little bit. But, like me, he wasn't really too keen on trying to shout over blaring music to a bunch of tipsy underage drinkers who probably won't remember much of what happened here once they pass out, anyway. Just looking around the room, I wondered if all the afternoon classes were empty today. They had to be. It was like a freaking night club in there.
Devon looked a bit out of place in all this. Then again, so did I. But when our eyes finally did meet again from across the room...something clicked, and we felt right at home. He smiled, tenderly brushing his long blond curtain back to show me the shade of pink rushing into his face, and I turned to jelly where stood. He slowly made his way over to me and smiled warmly. "You guys certainly know how to get people's attention." He said it loud enough for me to hear, but it still sounded mellow enough to make me smile.
"Yeah. I guess so."
We stood together in the center of the gyrating crowd for a minute or two. I didn't know what to say to him. Somehow, my recent questions about my feelings towards him made things awkward for me. It's a weird feeling to have to question your own motivations and not know the answer. Especially when you know that one of your possible choices will bring about the end of everything that you've been so proud of for so long. Long enough to not want to risk it on anything. Fairy tale romances aren't supposed to end. They aren't supposed to change. They're supposed to be just like you imagined they would be. They're supposed to be filled with love and magic and...this warm feeling of comfort. And the only person who gives me that in its entirety, or even comes CLOSE....is NOT my boyfriend. I looked down at my feet, visibly struggling with my own thoughts. But Devon gently elbowed me in the side, and his smile sweetly lifted my lips up in the corners, causing me to grin along with him. His giggles are always SO contagious.
I heard a scream, and turned to see Chris practically drowning himself by tilting a liquor bottle back, racing with someone else. The drink was spurting out of the sides of his mouth and running down the front of his shirt while a bunch of others cheered them on. It was kind of...embarrassing to watch. I looked back at Devon who giggled a bit at the display, and I needed to....I don't know...just HIDE!
"Um...I'LL BE RIGHT BACK! OK?" I shouted, and he nodded in response.
I had to get out of there. It was hard to hear, hard to see.....hard to breathe. I just wanted to clear my thoughts for a while. At least that's what I told myself. What I had to tell myself. Deep down...it was Devon that bothered me more than anything. Just being in the same room with him was becoming a problem for me. I felt a heavy weight pressing down on my chest, and it just kept getting heavier. Making me want to push him away and pull him closer simultaneously. I didn't understand. I mean, I always thought that he was cute, and I always wanted to get to know him. I thought he was brilliant, and creative, and funny. He had this intelligence and wit that warmed your heart whenever you were in his presence. I just thought that he was fascinating. And intriguing. And just....sighhhh...special.
But it wasn't my intention to develop any actual emotions for him. Was it? I mean....did I purposely go after him? Or is this all some mistake that will pass as soon as I get some distance and STOP thinking about him so damn much? I'm just going in circles here. The same thoughts are spinning around and around in my head without end. It won't stop.
Ok, I need some air. Just...yeah...I need air.
I made sure that he wasn't looking, and I left the party. I crept out of the door and walked to the elevators to go down to the first level. The further I got away from Devon, the more I was able to relax. It was like the pressure finally began to die down a bit. But something else took its place. It was this weird feeling of loss. This sadness. And it ached to know that I had to purposely pull myself away from him. I still felt attached to him somehow...and that connection was being stretched as I tried to escape the irresistable pull that he had on me.
I got off on the ground floor and just headed out into the side street the building was located. The afternoon air never felt so good. I paced back and forth a bit before finally just finding a clean spot on the curb and sat down with my feet in the gutter. It was so quiet, even with the faint sounds of the festivities bouncing off of the walls around me. I just....I didn't wanna think about anything for a while. I wanted my brain to literally shut down and just clear out all of this garbage rolling around in my thoughts. Sighhhh...why did Chris have to be so...damn...? Ah, forget it. I just don't wanna be around anybody right now.
I spent the first five minutes just mentally kicking myself for everything that went wrong. But then I spent another twenty five minutes just laying back on the concrete, feet still in the gutter, just staring up at the sky as the clouds floated gracefully overhead. I could only imagine what those assholes were doing to my room up there. And I'm sure that Devon must have gotten fed up and left by now. Probably won't ever want to come up to my room ever again. But despite all of my worrysome thoughts, I didn't move. I was gonna stay right there until I was either freed from all of my guilty desires, or until someone dropped a big cartoon piano on top of me from the top floor. Psh! At least I'd go out with a bang.
Then...I saw a shadow appear over me, and I looked up to see an upsidedown vision of Devon looking down at me. He looks good from every angle, you know that?
"You'll 'be right back', huh?" He smiled, as he took a seat next to me.
"I'm...dude, I just..."
"Don't sweat it. You didn't look like you were having a good time at all. Hehehe!" I was going to sit up, but he leaned back and laid down next to me instead. He put his hands behind his head, and he was so close that I could almost feel the gentle warmth of his body heat at my side.
I couldn't believe that he was actually laying on the sidewalk next to me. Who does that? Is he comfortable? Is he doing it just for me? Am I thinking too much again? Arrgh!
We just remained side by side for almost five minutes straight, not saying a word. But it wasn't really a 'bad' silence. It was almost like a meditation, and it felt good to not be doing it alone for once. I didn't want to look over at him. I was afraid I'd let my attractions affect my common sense again. But when he didn't say anything, I looked sideways and said, "I'm so sorry, Devon. Honestly, things aren't usually like that up in my room. Chris can be...sometimes he doesn't think, you know? And I really wanted you to come up today and just....hang out for a while, and..."
"Hehehe, slow down, dude! It's ok. Really. I know how it is, believe me. One day I came home to my roommate jacking off to two lions fucking on Animal Planet. Thank God I didn't bring anybody home with me THAT day!"
There was no WAY that I could hold that laugh in, not even for a second. I didn't wanna be rude, but the idea of it was just too funny to brush off. My sudden snickers turned into giggles, and when he shamefully joined me in the laugh, it only got worse. It instantly made me feel good again. Maybe too good. "I guess we both have our surprises, huh?" I grinned.
"Yeah...I'll say." He waited a few seconds, and then he sat up, wapping his thin arms around his knees, and he looked down at me. "Sooooo...." He started. "...You have a boyfriend?"
OMIGOD! WHAT??? Shit! Shit shit shit! How the hell...?
A wave of instant hysteria washed over me, and I turned deep red within seconds of his comment. "Wha....? How....?"
"Chris told me. Upstairs." He replied. And although I was paralyzed for a moment, I noticed that he wasn't uncomfortable. He wasn't frowning or teasing. He wasn't running away. In fact, he was giving me the same sly smirk that he always did when he thought he had one up one me.
"So...you 'know', then?" I said, sitting up as well.
"Heh, I do now, yeah." He looked down at his feet for a moment, then looked back up at me with the cutest blush in his cheeks.
"I'm sorry. I was gonna tell you sooner or later."
"Suuuure you were. Chicken." He leaned over to playfully butt my shoulder with his. It inspired a chuckle out of me to know that he was taking it so well. "You know, I kinda thought you were like that. But I ddn't know for sure."
"You did?" I asked, and he nodded bashfully. That golden curtain hiding his eyes from me again. "So you thought about it?"
"Um...yeah...I thought about it. Wondered about it. Maybe even...'dreamed' about it a little bit." He said softly, and bit his bottom lip in an attempt to control the most flirtatious of boyish grins.
I don't think it registered in my mind right away, but as his bright hazel eyes caught just the right ray of sunlight, highlighting their playfully greenish tint, my mind opened up and caught the hint. "Are you...?"
He turned his head away to hide his smile from me like always. But he didn't answer the question. "He's cute, Eli. And he seems like a lot of fun."
"Well, obviously, it's a little more fun than I can handle sometimes." I grinned.
"Yeah but, regardless...I'm glad that you found someone...special. There's nothing better than finding that one person in this crazy world who makes sense. You know?" Devon gave me a warm look, his angelic features so smooth, so delicate, so sweet. It made my whole body tingle, inside and out. But just listening to what he said made me wish...that I had stumbled across him first. "Chris is a lucky guy. Seriously. You two are perfect for each other." His voice trailed off, and his smile was all but gone. He hugged his arms tight around his knees, and his hair blocked his face from me completely as he leaned forward. "I've gotta run. But thanks for inviting me over though. It was great."
"Um, wait...do you wanna just...chill here with me for a while?" I asked.
But he was already gettng back up to his feet. "Nah. I've really gotta get that homework done. But I'll see you in class next week, right?" I couldn't help but feel my heart sink down into my shoes when he said it. But what was I gonna do? Force him to stay?
"Ok. Yeah. In class." I think he could tell by he look on my face that I didn't want to sit there anymore if he wasn't going to sit there beside me. And he gracefully extended a hand to help me up. He always knew what I was feeling. He was one of the few people who ever paid attention. My gentle pout turned into a smile as I took his hand and he yanked me back up with a jerk. We laughed a little bit as we nervously stood face to face, right there in front of the dorm building's front door. And then...it was like time stood still. It literally froze for one golden moment, where our eyes connected with this intense gaze, and I could feel his magnetic pull on me wrap itself around my heart and draw me forward. Devon looked back at me, and his smile faded slightly, as did mine. They transformed into something more serious, more sensual. And we both stared at one another as though we were just waiting for the signal. A gentle breeze would have been enough to push us into locking our lips together in the most passionate, tongue twisting, make out session of all time.
But I hesitated.
And once our thoughts took over, and the spontanaeity had given way to what would have to be a premeditated act of infidelity...the moment was lost. My heart was beating so hard that it hurt, and Devon's smile returned slowly, along with that bashful smokescreen that would allow him a safe exit from the situation.
"Well....I'll, uh, see ya later." He said, just above a whisper.
"Yeah. You too." I was on the very edge of....of...something! But I didn't know what it was. It was powerful and it was strong, but it made me oh so WEAK at the same time. And when Devon backed away from me and went into the dorms, I was left holding this emptiness all on my own. How can a feeling so empty be so damn heavy on the heart?
I didn't want to go inside. Not yet. Maybe not even until this party was over. So I fixed my hair a bit, brushed the dust off of my clothes from laying on the ground, and decided to just take a quiet walk somewhere. Nowhere in particular....just 'away'. I need to think. I need to think a LOT!
Wow...I can't believe how close I came to kissing him.