(And come play
I sat on that couch with my arms folded. Gnashing my teeth together so hard that my gums hurt. My mind kept grinding on the facts, going in circles, finding more and more evidence to prove what a CLOWN I've been since Chris and I have been together. So many lies. So many 'tricks'. So many things done behind my back. All that time I spent trying to deny what was right in front of my face...he's been screwing around with other boys. Or at least trying to. Blaming it on the alcohol. Blaming it on the opportunity. Blaming it on ME. Flashing his sexy ass and remaining morally 'open' to just about anything that comes his way. How many times, I wonder? How many boys?
He had better come home soon, because my thoughts are quickly moving from 'nasty break-up' to the realm of full blown 'axe murder overkill'.
But the emotion had two sides to it. And the other side was one full of sadness and shame for being fooled so easily. For wasting time when I could have been building something real with Devon instead of trying to salvage something that Chris probably never valued in the first place. What am I gonna do? It's times like this that I wish I had a gun. No wait...I take that back. Spending the rest of my life in prison is not the kind of 'affection' that I'm looking for. Still...my eyes went from glaring at the door to glaring at the clock. This is gonna end. I've got something to say, and it's not gonna be postponed for a moment longer. Because this is driving me CRAZY! And I just can't take it anymore!
To think....DEVON was the one who actually felt bad about all of this. All that time, hiding the secret, trying to support me, fighting the same feelings that I was. For once in my life, I had someone who felt the desperate need to make me feel good, instead of taking all the good feelings for himself and not giving anything back. He was my hero. My savior. My companion piece in a set made for two. How did I manage to ignore these golden feelings for this long? How?
I felt a slight shiver run through me as I heard the door open. I don't know if it was fear, doubt, confusion, or anger. But whatever it was, it seemed to strengthen my desire to be free of him once and for all.
"Sup, babe?" He said as he walked in and dropped his backpack on the floor. "Dude...my required courses all fucking suck. Teachers too. Honestly, if I didn't need the credit, I'd drop them all tomorrow. It's just so stupid."
I stared at him, and said, "Chris...you and me need to talk. Today. NOW, in fact."
"Can it wait? I'm so not in the mood for 'thinking' about anything right now."
"There's nothing to think about. You just have to listen, and I'm sure you'll get the message."
He plopped down on the couch and used the remote to turn the TV on. "What's on tonight? You want to rent a movie or something?"
"Chris...this is serious."
"We can get one of those mushroom pizzas or something..."
"It's about us.."
"Nothing new out. Maybe we can rent an old classic or something. What do you want? I'll pick it up."
"CHRIS!!!" I screamed, feeling silly about having to raise my voice, but made no apologies for it. "Do you even fucking hear me TALKING to you??? Do you even care enough to pay me some attention?"
He frowned his face up, and gave me the most ridiculous look. "What the hell is YOUR problem?"
Is that what this is? *MY* problem? Am I ranting and raving and completely out of control right now? Who knows...maybe I am. But I'm really not in the mood to discuss pizza and a movie right now. And I'm not gonna let him squirm his way out of this by trying to distract me with bullshit.
"I just told you that we needed to talk, and you're thinking about pizza? Really? Can you just give me five minutes of focus? Can you do that? Or should I just write you a letter and slip it under your pillow for you to read later?"
"What the fuck is your DEAL, Eli? I just got home from a long day, I'm tired, I don't have the time or the energy for this...."
"You NEVER have the time or the energy for anything. And if that's the case, if you're so damn tired and busy, then why don't you just sit here by yourself and have all the 'alone' time you need?"
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"It's supposed to mean that if you wanna be alone, then go for it. Be alone. Maybe you'll be happier alone. Maybe you're not ready to give up a part of your life for somebody else just yet. Maybe I'm just a burden on you, holding you back, that you'd rather be rid of. And...heh...at this point, I'm MORE than ready to go. Believe me." It was an unnatural fire that burned inside of me, but it was fueled more and more by my own embarrassment over ever falling into Chris emotional trap in the first place.
Chris was confused at first, then he got up and gave me a smile. "What the heck has got you so worked up tonight? Huh? Come here. C'mon...give me a kiss..."
"No. Do NOT try to smooth talk me right now..."
"Who's smooth talking you? You're all crazy tonight. Kiss me. Come on. Kiss me." He puckered up, but I pushed him away.
"I said NO!" I pulled away and took a step or two out of his embrace. "I'm sorry. But there is a real problem here, and I'm not in the mood to play games at the moment."
"You are being TOTALLY irrational right now! You know that? This doesn't make any sense to me at all." He said, and walked past me to go get a beer out of the refrigerator. I guess to calm his nerves, as he was clearly getting frustrated over me trying to honestly 'communicate' with him for a change. "If you're having a 'PMS' moment, you need to take it the fuck outside. Because you're starting to piss me off, and I'm getting sick of it."
It was a fucked up, snide, remark that I just didn't need at that particular moment. A moment of ego that only worked to make the overheated furnace in my gut burn out of control. Oh...so he's gonna make little smartass remarks to me now too??? Ok! Fine!
I walked over to my computer desk, and I angrily grabbed the printed pages of my story. Then I held them up in front of his face. "Tell me the truth, Chris...did you READ this? At all???"
"I gave this to YOU! You exclusively! It's an important piece of my heart, and you were the ONE person on the planet that I wanted to read it before anybody else did! Did you read it? Did you even fucking LOOK at it??? Did you even...OPEN it? Can I ask you that? Because if you did, you never told me. Not a word." I asked, so mad and hurt that I nearly had tears spilling over my eyes. "Did you? I mean...I didn't give it to you for no reason. I didn't need some huge emotional response from you, but the basic acknowledgement that you at least gave a shit would have been nice. Did you care at all about at least pretending that you read it? For my benefit?"
"Is THAT what all this is about? Me reading your writing?" He sneered. "Dude...if you're gonna be a fucking CHILD about this, then FINE! I'll READ it! Jesus Christ! Give it to me. I didn't think you were gonna throw a full blown 'tantrum' over something so trivial."
"How is this TRIVIAL, Chris??? HOW???" I said, the first few tears falling from my eyes beyond my control. "Yeah...I know...you don't get it. You don't get it at all. You don't understand why something as 'trivial' as you not talking to me about the most important thing in my whole LIFE could possibly 'hurt' me. You're so wrapped up in your own life, that you never once stopped to think that I might actually crave a heartfelt 'response' from someone I love on something I worked really hard on. That I might want some love and affection once in a while according to what *I'M* feeling, instead of just when you feel like it. That maybe I want that...LITTLE 5% extra every once in a while...just to know that you love and care about me as much as I love and care about you, and would be willing to do something for me for a change..."
He stopped me, towering over my much smaller frame, his muscles flexing slightly as his anger grew over the situation. I have to admit, it almost made me back down a little bit. He could be extremely intimidating when he wanted to be. "Ok, I'll tell you what...I'll read it. Ok? Since you're gonna make a big fucking deal of this and won't shut the hell up about it...I'll do it tonight? I'll stop EVERYTHING that I'm doing, in my WHOLE LIFE...and make 'you' feel better. Are you HAPPY now? Will that make everything better? Me suffering and devoting my whole life to please you?"
"NO!!!" I yelled. "If it's a 'bother' for you to think about me and show me some affection, then I don't need it. Honestly...I don't." Chris turned his back on me, covering his face with his hand as though I was just being cruel for no reason. As though my request was so selfish and impossible for him to answer with anything more than more anger. "It's not just about the mere act of you surrendering yourself to doing something for MY benefit, Chris. You're missing the whole point." I dried my eyes, but why? The tears were real. And they were the last ones I planned to shed over him. "You were supposed to take an interest in me. And TELL me so! Don't you get it? Is that sinking in? My stupid little story is supposed to be IMPORTANT to you! For the simple reason that it's important to ME! You're supposed to realize that and support me. You're supposed to at least TRY to meet me half way and do...fucking something to make me feel like you care!"
"Now you think that I don't care? Where is this coming from?" He said angrily.
"It's coming from the fact that you don't regard my feelings as anything more than some kind of obsessive psychosis or some weird insecurity that can't be cured. I don't think you understand, in ANY way, why some of the things you do and say, some of the things you DON'T do and DON'T say, REALLY hurt my feelings. It never crosses your mind why I might feel completely alone in this relationship. You don't seem to value deep human emotion at all sometimes. And I don't get it, Chris. I don't. I would have been anything that you WANTED me to be, and I would have done it all for you." I told him. "I loved you. I mean...all I wanted was some attention and a few sweet kisses here and there. Something that NORMAL boyfriends do for one another. Give me that...and I would have done damn near anything you asked me to. For the rest of my life. But you couldn't be bothered. It was too much work. Too time consuming. Too invasive. You couldn't look past yourself far enough to see that I was hurting and miserable without you. All I needed was just a LITTLE bit of effort on your part. That's it. And you gave me a middle finger in exchange." I looked him in the eye, and I told him, "Be honest, Chris...you don't love me. You don't think about me like I think about you. I get more attention at the customer service window at the grocery store. At least they're willing to devote some time into making me feel like my business matters."
He rolled his eyes and leaned against the wall. "What the hell do you want me to do? Huh? Are we married now? You wanna put chains and shackles on my feet? Rip me away from my private time to worship you instead? Maybe I just need some time alone once in a while to think? What am I gonna do? Just get all 'gay' and cuddle and snuggle with you all day? I have shit to do! I have shit to think about that doesn't involve you! And, for the record, maybe there are just some things that I don't feel like sharing with you, or with anybody for that matter. Does that make me an awful guy?"
"No...no, it doesn't make you an awful guy at all." I said. "But...as much as I hate to say it...it makes us wrong for each other. I'm sorry, it just does. Because I went waaaaay out of my way to change everything about who I am to be your best accessory, and you weren't willing to do the same for me."
"Give me a fucking break..."
"No, I MEAN it! Chris...I don't LIKE partying with your friends. I don't like having our place trashed, I don't like drinking, I don't like watching sports...and I don't like freakin' MUSHROOMS on my pizza!!!" I told him. "But you know what? I was willing to do all of those things and try to sacrifice a piece of myself to be that guy...for you. I compromised...for you. Because I loved you and it made you happy. I LIKED to see you happy. Because if you were happy...then I was happy. It's my duty as one half of this relationship to maybe work a bit harder sometimes to make sure that you keep a big smile on your face, even when it's supposedly inconvenient for me personally. But...." I sniffled a bit. "...If you can't do something as simple as remember that I hate mushrooms on pizza, talk to me when you see that I'm hurting inside, or...read my stupid story and tell me what you really think about it...when your opinion meant everything to me...then how is this ever supposed to work? What are you really giving up to be with me?" I asked. "Maybe you don't think I'm worth the sacrifice. Maybe you don't even think enough about me during your day to realize that every moment I spend without you is a moment spent 'alone'. And I don't wanna be alone, Chris. I don't want to be that thing that you suddenly remember when you don't have more important things going on like watching TV or going to bed early. I don't want to be the boy you think about when the rest of the world has gotten 'boring' and you decide that I'm worth the extra brain activity. Chris...you were everything to me. But...I need to be 'everything' to somebody too. And let's be honest...you're never gonna look at me that way. Never. I'm never going to be your number one priority...and I kinda...'need' that in my life. Ok? My heart can't settle for anything less."
"This is the LAST thing that I fucking needed today..." He sighed, and I watched as he guzzled the rest of the beer down. Some of it drooling down to his chin.
I lowered my voice, sullied my tone, and I said, "I want out, Chris. This arrangement isn't working out anymore. I'm sorry." I could have unleashed the full fury of the cheating thing. I could have confronted him about hitting on Devon and countless other boys on top of it. But it seemed 'out of character' for me at that particular moment. Honestly, I doubted that it even mattered at this point. I had already crossed the bridge...why burn it behind me. Even if I had no intentions of ever crossing it again.
That's when Chris suddenly pushed me up against the wall and screamed, "FUCK YOU!!!! You wanna go, then fucking GO!!! Get the hell out!" He was clearly upset, but I couldn't help but feel that there weren't any emotions that ran any deeper than that. Then again, I don't know why I would expect them to. If anything, this was the most honest expression of true emotion that I've seen from him in months. "Don't expect your side of the bed to stay cool for too long. I'll have somebody else in your place by the time you finish packing, bitch!" He said, walking away in a rage. "Get your shit and get out! You're fucking OUT of here!"
"Chris...let's not do this, ok?"
"No! Screw this! If I'm so awful, then get the fuck out of my room! And while you're at it, get out of my LIFE too! GO!" He punched a wall near the bedroom, his fist causing the whole room to shake. I jumped, but stood my ground regardless. Then he put his finger in my face. "You just fucked up the BEST thing you ever had! You're NEVER gonna come across a guy like me again in your life! Trust me! But boys like you are a dime a dozen. And they don't whine and complain all the time about this sappy 'love' bullshit, either."
"Well...if that's the case, what are you so upset about?" I asked, and he nearly grabbed me by the throat for that comment.
"Have a nice life!" He put his shoes back on and grabbed his keys. "I'm going for a walk. When I get back, you'd BETTER not be here! You hear me??? I want you GONE!!!" And with that, he stormed out of the dorm room and slammed the door shut. It was my last impression of him. A pseudo-psychotic bully, cursing and yelling at me with a fury. It'll be the last image I'll ever have of him. Because I actually welcomed his absence from my life this time. It was a relief. No more weird little mind games and manipulations. I surrender. He won. And I planned to be gone when he returned just like he said. By the time he comes back to this dorm room...I'll just be another faded memory to him. A sad, drunken, story to tell to his friends over drinks at some random party across town. It's not that I didn't care, because I did. I truly dedicated a part of my life to him being there for me. But he simply didn't want me anymore. And that hurt. It's been hurting for a while now. How else was I supposed to react? Especially when there was someone out there...
....Who wanted me more.
I didn't have much stuff with me when I walked out of that room, but I made sure that I remove anything...um...smashable. Something tells me that Chris isn't going to be the most civil person about me coming back for the rest. I just needed enough to get through the next few days to a week while his temper simmers down a bit. The unfortunate thing was...there was really only one place that I go to. And it was quite embarrassing, to say the least.
"Eli?" Devon said as he opened up his dorm room door to see me standing in the hall with a black garbage bag full of clothes, my computer, and a box full of miscellaneous junk.
"This...this is really awkward, Devon, but...uhhhh..." God, I couldn't even look him in the eyes. "...Chris and I...we broke up tonight. And...I kinda need a place to crash..."
"Omigod, dude. Oh wow. Yeah, come in, come in. Let me help you with that..." He was so anxious to grab my stuff that it actually helped me to drop some of the humiliation and feel like less of a total loser for invading his room like this. We dragged all of my stuff inside, and Devon gave me this look of raw sympathy that nearly broke my heart twice over. "I don't really know what to say."
I shrugged my shoulders. "I don't think I do either."
"So...was it bad?" He asked with a cringe.
"Well...yeah. But you know, it wasn't nearly as bad as I imagined it would be. I mean...I guess I had a lot more built up to say than I thought I did. It just...all kinda came spilling out at once. And even though I hated every moment of it...I can't help but to be...relieved." I took a deep breath, and exhaled slowly. It was like my whole body began to unwind and untangle itself from a tension that had been keeping my chained and bound for months now. I had been carrying the weight for so long, that I felt a bit lightheaded without it. I was almost scared to let it go. "Gee...I'm still trembling..."
Devon scooted over on the couch. "Come on, sit down. Put that bag down and get comfortable. Relax."
"This wouldn't happen to be the spot where your roommate was masturbating to Animal Planet is it?"
His eyes sparkled and he laughed. "Dude, if we had to narrow this place down to spots where my roommate hasn't masturbated, there wouldn't be any left. My bed and the top of the fridge are probably the last unexplored areas for his 'soldiers' to conquer. So one place is as good as any." We both shared a smile...but for some reason, I didn't sit down right away. I didn't even put my bag down. I don't even know where it came from...but this...this overpowering wave of emotion swept through me, and it suddenly became hard to breathe. I thought about all of the things that Chris and I had been through, good times and bad, and the sudden realization that it was over took hold of me. It was too much to handle all at once. My smile faded, my eyes began to water up as the nostalgic feelings of yesterday had a speedy head on collision with my current reality. I looked down at the floor. Trying to define the feeling. Trying to get control of the sensation. But once the first tear fell from my eye...the rest of my sobs came bursting forward with a series of heaves. I sniffled and tried to hold it back, but it only made me weak inside. Devon was shocked, and immediately stood up from the couch to walk over and tightly hug me around the shoulders. His slim arms embracing me with love and comfort, holding me close. The contact made the tears even worse, and I dropped the bag, reaching my arms around to hold onto Devon's waifish frame. His blond hair brushed across my cheek, and we rocked back and forth slightly as I let the emotion win. I sobbed quietly on his shoulder, his warmth protecting me from the inner sting. "Awwwww, it's ok, Eli. It's ok." He whispered, and before long, we both sat down on the couch together and he let me lean on him for support. His touch was so...so special. He petted my hair with a mother's touch. He rubbed my arm. He rocked me at just the right speed. I don't think I've ever actually cuddled with another boy before. I was beginning to think that that level of intimacy didn't exist between guys. Chris certainly wouldn't have done it. How is it that it comes so naturally to Devon?
How can this boy be so undeniably awesome?
A half hour passes. My thoughts are a twisted array of blurred memories and worries about the future. And yet, Devon has made no attempt to break our embrace. He doesn't turn on the TV or avoid the moment with some other distraction. He doesn't even speak. His body heat and occasional squeezes became his language. Communicating a tenderness that I had never known before. It was the only thing that eventually got the tears to stop flowing, and I just leaned into his arms in silence. It was so surreal.
"You know, even if you weren't disturbed by the fact that I have just spent the last 30 minutes soaking your shirt with salted tears...you're shoulder has GOT to have gone numb by now." I said.
"Heh...it went numb ten minutes ago, actually. I was just hoping that you'd let me switch over before it got even worse and I had to have it amputated." It made me giggle a bit more, even as two warm trickles of tears ran down my cheeks.
I sat up and wiped my face. "Wow...I'm sorry. To be honest, I don't even know where that came from. It caught me by surprise."
"It's understandable. You guys were together for a long time. It's natural to have some left over feelings for..."
"You know what? I don't mean to cut you off, but...can we not talk about him right now?" I asked, hoping that it didn't come off as rude. "I just...I think I've had all the emotional breakdown madness I can handle for one night."
"No problem." He said. "But if you change your mind, and you need an ear, just start talking and don't stop until you feel better. K?"
What??? Does this boy get anymore impressive? I turned my head to stare into those bright eyes of his, and I said, "I think...I already feel better." There was a hush that fell over the whole room. Hell, maybe even the whole world for all I know. I couldn't take my eyes off of him. This wasn't sexual. It was an attraction, but it went beyond staring at bulges and grading butts on a 'curve'. His beauty wasn't a surface thing. It was a light that glowed brightly from the inside. Bright enough for the physical senses to capture with every beat of his heart.
There was a moment where the pull between us was too strong to pull away from. But as a gentle blush came to Devon's cheeks, he sheepishly grinned to himself and looked away from me. "You know what? We're gonna get ourselves a movie, we're gonna make fresh popcorn and melt the butter in a frying pan, and we're gonna get your mind off of all this drama for the rest of the night. It'll still be there waiting for you in the morning, so why not take a break from it, huh?"
I smiled warmly at him. "K. Sounds cool." He could have easily taken advantage of me while I was feeling so low. But that just wasn't Devon's way. I was impressed by that. And he was the one worried about not being perfect.
"You got anything in mind? Do you want like a 'Sleepless In Seattle' kinda thing? Or we could go with something more modern, or maybe something retro?"
"This one. Right here. This is the movie I need to see right now." I said, looking at his laptop. He came over, and bent down to give it a closer look. He broke out into the cutest fit of giggles that I've ever heard.
"'Machete'??? Hahaha, you're in a Grindhouse mood? That's what you need right now?"
"Most definitely!" I said, noticing the immaculate way that his longish blond hair teased the tops of his shoulders by almost sweeping over them, but not quite. It was so cute, you know?
"Well, it's a little more bloodthirsty and violent than what I was expecting, hehehe, but I'm down if you're down." He said. I thought about if for a moment. I wondered if...maybe this was one of these things that he was just doing for 'me', the way I surrendered myself over to Chris soooo many other times in the past.
"You know, we don't...we don't have to. I mean...if you'd rather watch something else...?"
"Hell no!" He grinned. "It's been on my list of movies to watch for a while now, I just never got a chance to check it out. It's always better to watch these movies with someone else anyway because it's more fun. So let's go for it. I was just being delicate because I thought you were being all 'emo' tonight. But if Eli says mayhem...then we'll do mayhem." He stood up and gave me a majestic smile that looked like it came from his very soul. "I'll get the popcorn started."
We downloaded the movie, and it was everything that we had hoped it would be. Badass violence to the point where Devon and I were high fiving each other repeatedly and laughing until we were falling all over each other. If someone had told me that I'd actually be having a good time a few hours ago, I would thought that they were crazy! But Devon has such a natural talent for healing all that could ever possibly be wrong with me. And I loved that about him. There was a LOT to love about him.
There was no heating vent in the wide open living room area, and it got a bit chilly in there. But there was a vent for each bedroom, they were much warmer, and it was already on his laptop. So we retreated to his bedroom to watch the rest of the movie. I remember the faint rumble of thunder outside his window as a small rain storm swept over the downtown area. I remember kicking off my shoes to sit on his bed beside him. I leaned back against the wall, the same as he did, and I looked down to see how gleaming white his socks were. I don't know why that was cute, but I paid it a lot of attention. It was weird, because...Devon was hot. I mean HOT! But at that moment...I knew that even if we didn't do anything other than watch 'Machete' cut appendages off of people and shoot bad guys on sight that night...I still would have been perfectly satisfied. Without so much as a kiss or a touch. I was merely fascinated by his company alone. And you wanna know something else? I felt like he was fascinated with mine.
The rain outside got harder, turning into quite the downpour. Once the movie was over, Devon showed me some of the short stories that he had written when he was in high school. He grabbed them from his old files, and I could read them from an angle, but we kept sliding closer and closer to each other so we could share the screen space. The rest of the dorm room fell into darkness as the night went on, and it was only the bluish neon glow of light from the laptop that kept us from being consumed by the pitch black environment surrounding us.
I absolutely LOVED reading his stuff! So sweet, and so playful. But with sensitivity and meaning. It really struck me as being unnaturally charming. It only added to his allure to me. Not to mention that being this close to him on the bed was beginning to have an affect on me. He smelled sooooo good. And every time he turned his head, his honey blond locks would always follow with this short, but noticeable, delay. It was something that began giving me goosebumps once I noticed it. It was like every beautiful feature about him was alive with a mind and a set of motivations all its own. It was hard not to stare. And at the same time, hard not to focus on his stories either. Until, after we had spent a very swift four hours together in that room without me even realizing it...the stories and the very act of Devon holding the laptop on his lap with my neck craning to look over and see what he was showing me...became more of a hassle than a pleasure. Maybe it was just a matter of soreness. We had been talking nonstop for longer than most people ever could manage. And without pause or problem. Not even a conflict of interest. Which sounds like it would be boring...but it wasn't. It was quite possibly one of the most exciting conversations that I've ever had with another human being. I don't even get along this well with my PARENTS!
Devon shutdown his laptop and put it on the floor beside the bed. Then we both just laid back, shoulder to shoulder on his bed in the dark...talking as the soothing vibrations of the rain hitting the window traveled throughout the room. We were on our backs, staring at the ceiling. Hands laying comfortably on our stomachs. We didn't need eye contact. We were already bonded. Staring at the ceiling was enough.
We started talking about our stories and the things we had planned, the things we'd love to do some day, the other stories we liked from class. I've never been so comfortable. Occasionally, his sock foot would move and lightly rub up against mine. It was a subtle touch, most likely a mistake...but it gave me chills just the same. I loved the way his deep and mellow voice danced in my ears. I loved the way I could close my eyes and just listen to the way he pronounced certain words to tell if he was smiling or not when he said them. Sometimes our elbows would brush together, or our legs would touch. It was the most platonic communication in the world...but it held such an erotic flavor for me. I don't know how I kept from rolling over and pinning him to the mattress for the most intense make out session of his life.
Lucky for me, cowardice and common sense kept me from making an ass of myself. But still...the temptation was there. And GOD he smelled good! What was that, anyway? He always smells like he just walked out of a cookie factory. Not overpowering, just light and sweet and OH so sexy!
"...I just keep wanting to get better, you know?" Devon said, our eyes focused up at the ceiling. "Like....I keep looking for a way to write that...that 'perfect' story. Something that will totally 're-define' everything else that I've done before it. I'm just gonna keep trying every genre, every style, every outlet, until I finally find that one big story that really makes a difference."
I sighed, but tried not to let him hear it. "Yeah. I'm the same way. It's like...you get to a point where you just want to become 'one' with what you write. You want yourself and the story to be so inseparable that everybody that reads it can feel your heart beating."
"Exactly." He said. "You know...when I read your stuff, you kinda have moments when you....like....you just 'talk'. It's different from everything else in the story. It's this stream of consciousness that I can totally tell is just 'you' talking. I like that a lot about your stuff. I can always tell when it's the real you."
"Yeah. It's refreshing. I get to see you at your most vulnerable. Not many people are able to do that." He said. And I felt his foot rub up against mine again....accidentally.
And this time...I felt myself getting hard. Maybe it was because this playfully brief 'touch' lasted a little bit longer than before. Maybe it was just a ticklish sensation that came from having his toes glide under the arch of my foot and trace it until it made me smile. But whatever it was...I had to turn away to hide my smile.
We continued to talk, and joke, and spend the most intimate amount of time together. Our voices eventually got softer. More...sensual. It was thick in the very air around us, but we didn't want to say anything to one another. Even if our hearts were beating out of control. Our pauses became a bit more evident, and the sexual tension was so strong that I was nearly reaching full hardness, and had to roll over onto my stomach to keep him from seeing it. The pressure of my erection being pressed into the mattress only made it throb with more intensity, and a quick flash of lightning illuminated his gorgeous face as he rolled onto his side and started moving closer to me.
The game remained stuck there for a brief time. Both of us chit chatting about this and that...not really making any real use of the conversation other than to hide the fact that we were staring into each other's eyes and trying desperately to hold ourselves back until the 'other' person made the first move. I can remember a tense moment as I moved closer by half an inch...and seeing him nonchalantly do the same shortly afterwards. I don't even know what we were talking about at the moment. Did it even matter? Our faces were soooo close, but we both continued to hesitate for ten minutes more. Ohhhhh this agonizing game.
I could practically taste his kiss...but the very act of being this close and holding back was even more arousing than the promise of the kiss itself.
We moved closer until our noses were touching, and there was a short silence shared between us, broken only by a bashful little giggle escaping from Devon's sweet lips. "Hehehe, what?" I asked. And he straightened up.
"Nothing." He grinned.
"Nothing, huh?" I said...my voice now lowering itself to a whisper. "Are you just...happy then?" I let my hand reach out, and I slowly traced a finger down his arm.
"Maybe." He whispered back, and he scooted a half inch forward himself.
I allowed my palm to rest itself on his hip as I rolled to my side to face him and scoot a bit closer myself. We smiled at each other, and Devon playfully rubbed his nose against mine. But he did it really slow. It was sooo sexy. His eyes stared into mine...and my heart began to skip beats as it tried desperately to match the rhythm of his own. "Cool. You're cute when you're happy." I whispered.
"Uh huh. I like it. I like your smile too." Our touches got a bit more forward, and we both scooted even closer together than before. And when my hardness touched his...the following kiss was inevitable. A short peck on the lips, but it spoke volumes.
"You like my smile?"
"Yeah. I think it's really cute." I said...and as the tightness in my chest constricted around me, I moved in for another sweet kiss. This one a second or to longer than the last.
"I'm glad...." He said softly.
"I said I'm glad. That you think it's...cute." He traced his finger lightly across my lips. "Yours is too, you know? Cute, I mean."
"Unh unh...it's not."
"Yeah...." He kissed me softly. "...It is. I've always thought so. Your smile...it's like golden to me. I'd do just about anything to see you smile." He sighed. Then I sighed. And we moved in closer until we were in such close proximity that 8- percent of our bodies were touching. In fact, we could hardly speak to one another without our noses and lips touching...onlyinspiring more sensuous kisses between each other in the dark...as the rain gently banged against the window.
The pretense melted away, and soon, our little pecks on the lips got longer and longer. Our tongues taking center stage as our hands roamed over one another's bodies. We moved closer still, now officially grinding against each other. And our kissing became much more passionate. I was breathless. Totally breathless.
But Devon...always the reluctant lover, broke our lip lock to speak. "Eli....? What are we doing?" He kissed me again, his whispers turning me on to the point of full blown fever.
"I don't know. But I like it." I kissed him back."
"Are we...are we really doing this? I mean, are you sure?" He said, but as I pushed my hips forward and grabbed a handful of his round cheek to pull him into me, he whimpered softly and our kissing continued.
It was nothing like it was with Chris. There was an emotional involvement that created an entire carnival of carnal delights. It was tender, and loving, and passionate. There was a mutual need for both of us to feel good that I never felt before with my recent 'ex'. Devon took his time. He let his hands, and his mouth, and his tongue experiment...and then respond to even the most subtle of my shivers and wiggles. He knew hot to read me. He knew how to expose my deepest desires to the light...so he could use them to further tantalize my sexuality and give myself over to him completely. Sex has never been like this. It's never been so real.
I can barely remember our clothes coming off. All I remember is our whispers in the dark as Devon asked me to position myself...sitting up, with my back against his headboard, as he straddled me.
A pinch of nervousness.
I could have faked my confidence, but I was too 'open' for him to be fooled by it now. I felt his leaking hardness as it touched my belly, and his marshmallow soft globes hovered over my straining length...waiting to be entered.
I spoke up with a whisper as he kissed me. "Wait...wait...I don't....I mean..."
"What? What's the matter?" He asked, nearly panting, his blond hair slightly ruffled from our connection.
"I've never actually....'done' this before..." I said. "From this end, I mean." Chris had been my one and only boyfriend, and he was always on top. He was always the one in control. He was always the sexually aggressive one. I didn't know how to be the one running the show. "I'm sorry..."
Devon just smiled at me, and he kissed me hungrily on the lips. "Then, this is gonna be a major even for the both of us then." And something about that made us both so hot, that we nearly bruised our lips with sloppy, unrehearsed kisses. Kisses that I had been fantasizing about since the very first time I saw Devon walk into that college cafeteria. This was it. This was my magic in life. And when he guided me to his impossibly tight hole and his vice-like ring finally allowed me entrance...I knew I was in heaven. His insides were stingy with space...sucking and churning and greedily chewing at my hardness as if trying to push it back out of him completely. He had to have been a virgin back there. No doubt about it. It suckled at me from all sides...warm.....wet...snug. I closed my eyes and tossed my head back as Devon began a slow rise and fall pattern that caused my whole body to break a sweat. The base of my shaft was being squeezed in a death grip, and the super sensitive tip was lodged deeply into a heated bath of inner muscle activity, the circumcised ridge softly rubbing back and forth across a playful little button inside of Devon that caused him to moan into my mouth and leak more copious fluids onto my stomach. Warm when it made contact with my skin, then quickly cooled...only to be warmed again by another sexy droplet of warm young nectar.
Devon sucked on my neck as his slim serpentine hips grinded on me in the cutest way. Small circles, bounces, squeezes...I never knew what sensation was coming next. His body was so smooth. His kiss was hungry, but gentle. His flesh touching mine was like a dream. And when I looked at that beautiful face, put together by the angels themselves in the most alluring way...it was a visual stimulation that I almost couldn't handle. The boy of my dreams was supposed to be inaccessible...not sitting on my lap, giving me the thrill of a life time. It was too amazing to be real. But if it was a dream...I wanted it all.
Devon moved his hips back and forth, and I gently nibbled his neck. I rubbed my hands up and down his sides, and grabbed the bubbled mounds of his ass. I whimpered, he moaned. I moaned, he whimpered. I took hold of his hardness with my hand, and stroked him in time with his rolling hips...and before long, he uttered an urgent whisper that came out more like a soft whine.
"Kiss me...mmmmm.....kiss me!"
He leaned forward and stuck his tongue in my mouth as I kissed him hard and gripped his ass with both hands. There was a high pitched squeal, and the next thing I know, splashes of hot liquid sex began to hit my chest and stomach with a fury. Generous jets of heated semen, like a warm, overactive, sprinkler system. I felt Devon tenderly bite down on my bottom lips as the orgasm took him to another plane of existence. His constricted hole pulsing and sucking me in further as his body spasmed wildly with climactic bliss.
It was more than I could handle. Especially when I felt Devon's heavy breath on my neck, and he rocked forward to connect his lips to mine. I was so far gone. SO in love. I erupted inside of him just as the full body quivers of his own orgasm were just coming to an end. It was the shivers and trembling wiggles of his tight ass on my shaft that milked me dry.
I've NEVER had sex like that before. Not ever. My God...I never knew that sex could be so...reciprocal. I felt...totally satisfied. PERSONALLY satisfied. Not just happy for being a good lay for somebody else. When Dustin rested his chin on my shoulder, panting heavily and purring lovingly as he petted and caressed my hair....my spent member losing its rigidity, but still stuck in the grasp of his tightened insides regardless...despite the flood of nectar that I had injected into him...I knew that I wanted him to be the boy I spent the rest of my life with.
If we can share an experience like this, just ONCE a week, for the rest of our lives...then all that I've been through will be worth it. All of it.
That was the first night of many to come. I remember us laying side by side in that bed afterwards, once again staring at the ceiling. And out of the blue, I said, "I love you." I wasn't sure how he was going to take it. I wasn't sure if it was to soon or too forward. He seemed a bit hesitant, but then he said...
"I love you too, Eli. I love you, too."
>From then on, my original vision of love blossomed into what I always wanted it to be. What I always thought it could be. There was no more 'adjusting' my fairy tale to meet reality's standards. My fairy tale WAS my reality. And Devon's was the Prince Charming that I had been waiting for my whole life.
As for Chris...he made good on his threat. He found someone to take my place no more than three weeks later. A college freshman named Cory. Really cute. Baby face. Very innocent. There are times when I wonder if I should say something...but decided against it. Who knows, maybe Cory is exactly the kind of boyfriend that Chris is looking for. And Maybe Chris is exactly what Cory needs to be happy. No need for me to butt in and screw that up. Maybe they're right for each other. But if not...well, then me telling him isn't going to be enough. It wouldn't have been enough for me. Maybe that's just something that Cory needs to find out for himself.
Chris and I are barely strangers on the street to each other anymore. I doubt he misses me at all. Nor does he really have a reason to. He'll get what he wants...and now, so will I. I'll always have fond memories of him. I mean, he was my first boyfriend. My first taste of what real love could be. Maybe if we were more compatible...it would have worked. But that's what variety and experience is all about. You know? To be honest...I don't regret a single moment of it. I'd do it the same way all over again if I had to. He was placed into my life to teach me something, I believe. I learned it. And I'm a better person for it. So I guess Devon gets to have the new and improved version of Eli than he would have had if it weren't for what I went through. To this day...I still consider it my favorite mistake.
I've never been so in love. Devon and I got an apartment together at the end of the semester. We're saving up to buy plane tickets to see Paris one day. That'll be for an anniversary or something special. But we want to go. And we want to go together. Might be nice. Until then, we talk, we laugh, we write, we read each other's stuff, we cuddle up on the couch in our sock feet, watching movies and cuddling close under a blanket. And the sex...hehehe....my GOD...the sex! Keeping our hands off of one another is simply NOT an option! And I love it! I never thought of myself as a top before, but Devon made me a believer. Now we're practically ready for our big 'porn' debut! Hehehe! We tease each other about it all the time, but it ain't far from the truth. Believe me, we get our practice.
So that's it. That's the tale I have to tell.
OH...and I finally did write an ending for that story I had been working on FOREVER! Just a hint...my main character, Roger? He gets the boy. He gets his happy ending. Just like I got mine. Go figure, huh? Is that life imitating art, or art imitating life? Can't remember. Chicken and the egg, right? It hardly matters, because now I know the truth.
Life is a 'story'. It's a story for each and every single one of us, whether we write it or not. And love? Love is a collaborative effort...written by two hearts...but only one soul. And like Devon said...a true story never ends.
I don't have to search for my muse anymore. I wake up next to him every morning. And we're happy. Happy in a way that I don't expect anybody else to understand. It would really be a story worth writing if only I could find the words to explain this speechless feeling that I carry with me in my heart, all day...EVERY day. But I can't. I can only ramble on, using as many poetic phrases as I can to explain and explore the utter beauty of the love we share.
Will people pick up on it when they read my story? Who knows? Maybe words don't do it justice. Maybe they can't. But I'm sure you'll be able to figure it out. All you have to do is...
...Read between the lines.