By The Way
by Mark Logan
* * * * *
* * *
I'm not sure how long
it was before I finally fell asleep that night. I was really
pissed off at Don because I'd felt as though he was using me to figure
out which team he wanted to play on. All I could think about as I
lay in bed was how bad I hurt when he'd first gone off to college and
nearly dropped all communication with me. And to think that I'd
almost dumped a bottle of Tylenol down my throat because of him?
Shit. Okay, so my reasons for thinking about offing myself
weren't entirely based on Don's
vanishing act. But he and I
had come so far in recent years, and we'd become so close
again. I couldn't really blame myself for beling betrayed...again...by him. For some damn
reason he didn't mind fucking over our friendship. Twice!
I woke up to the sound of rain coming down on the metal roof over my
head. Looking across the room, I saw that Don's bed was
still unmade from the day before, though he wasn't in it. Then it
all came back to me: his cooking dinner, the ass-kicking drinks,
the make-out session on the bed downstairs...and him telling me he
wasn't gay. What a fuckin' slap in the face. 'Bastard,' I
thought, as I straightened up the room and took the sheets off of both
I went downstairs and found the lower level empty. Then I saw him
sitting on the porch swing wearing only shorts and drinking a cup of
coffee as he watched the rain falling around the cabin. I didn't
think I would ever be hurt again by him, but the things he said the
night before cut through me like a knife.
Sure, I wasn't a sixteen-year-old kid anymore, but the pain I felt was
still the same.
I shook my head, but that only managed to stir up the dull aching
caused by all of the booze the night before. I was in no mood to
eat breakfast, and I had never been a morning person, so the
combination of the two made the situation all the more volatile.
I was really hoping he would just not talk to me. I was more than
ready to end our friendship.
Great. Now the voice in
my head decided to come back. Swell!
Ending the friendship would be easy enough to do...except for the fact
that we worked together. Well, I
could always get another job. I didn't plan on singing and
waiting tables for the
rest of my life, and working at Rhett's was just a short-term gig
anyway. Fine. That's exactly what I'd do, I thought, as I
straightening things around the cabin. I unloaded the stuff from
the fridge into the cooler and set it by the door.
"You want any coffee?" he asked, stepping into the cabin. In his
eyes I could see both pain and anger waiting to be unleashed.
But I was still determined not to get into anything with him. I
just wanted to go home, to my new home, which was now an hour from
where he lived. Better yet, I was dying to get to Marietta.
Maybe I could get my dorm room set up early and have some time to
"I don't drink coffee," I said, just a little rudely.
"Can I get you somethin'--"
"I've packed everything."
"Oh," he stopped walking. "It's gonna be one of those mornings,
"You're god damned right it is," I said, slamming the bathroom door and
brushing my teeth. After the little stunt he'd pulled the night
before, did he really think he had a right to bring up my mood?
Who the fuck did he think he was?
Not any more. But thanks!
I put my shampoo and other crap into my shower kit, then left the
bathroom. "It's all yours," I grumbled.
"Gee. Thanks, cheerful," he said, sarcastically.
The door closed firmly after he stepped in. I jerked the covers
of the bed where he'd obviously slept, and along with the sheets from
upstairs bed, I threw them into a garbage bag to take home for
washing. I stepped out onto the porch and disconnected the hot
tub motor outlet. Then I pulled the plug at the bottom so the
water could drain.
"You still pissed at me?"
"Sure 'nuff, Doctor Obvious."
He was standing in the doorway, now wearing a shirt. "You really
shouldn't be. You wouldn't
be, if you'd--"
I brushed past him into the cabin and grabbed the bag with my
clothes. I went out the other door and threw my things into the
trunk of my car, ignoring the cold rain that was falling. I went
back inside and grabbed the cooler and loaded it into the car,
too. One last thing and I was ready to go.
Inside, Don was holding his own bag as I crossed over to the rear door
to shut and lock it. I went to the small electrical panel and
turned off the main switch to the cabin, then I turned towards the
"We need to talk, Paul."
I snorted in response and reached for the handle. As I pulled the
door open, he reached out his hand and pushed it shut again.
"I have something to say, please." He said this sternly, but I
didn't want to have any part of it, or him.
"Then talk to the fuckin' walls." I opened the door again, but
this time I was ready when he went to push the door closed again.
"I don't need you. I
don't wanna hear you."
I jerked the door open against his hand, and it flew back, almost
hitting him in the face. I held my breath for a second as his
head snapped back, away from the door.
"God damn," he said.
"Fuck!" He slammed the door shut even
harder. I thought I saw him clench his fists, and I know I saw
his jaw tighten.
We stood there staring at each other for nearly a minute.
"Get out," he said.
"You wanna go so bad? Then let's get the fuck out."
I stood there for another moment, unsure whether or not I'd gone too
far with my temper. He didn't say a word, but just stared a hole
my face. This time he didn't stop me when I opened the door.
We walked out and Don got into the car as I locked the
cabin. The rain was picking up as I crossed the gravel
and got into the car.
We drove in silence.
By the time we were starting to drive out of the mountains the rain
had picked up considerably. We were still about forty-five
minutes from my house when it became so bad that I was having a hard
time seeing the road in front of me. All of the traffic on the
highway had slowed down to nearly twenty miles an hour as sheets
of rain pummeled the cars. I finally decided to pull over
onto the shoulder and wait out the rain. I hoped that it would
end soon, because the silence in the car was killing me. Luckily,
the radio was still able to pick up some Atlanta stations without any
Don and I sat there, both of us with our arms folded across our chests,
listening to the rain thunder across the top of the car.
"Look," he said quietly, "there's...somethin' I got'ta tell ya--"
"Please. Just...save it for--"
"I'm gonna talk now, Paul, and you're
gonna just shut up and listen! You WILL listen to me!"
I was in complete shock, and my jaw practically dropped to my
all the time that I'd known Don, he'd never really raised his voice to
me, let alone yelled at me like that. I finally closed my mouth
and blinked a few times, still surprised.
He rubbed his hands across his face. "Jesus Christ, you can be so fuckin'
thick-headed sometimes." He was breathing heavy, and I could tell
that he was trying to calm down a little bit.
"Look," he finally said, "for years I didn't understand what it is I'm
gonna tell you. I might not even be able to make it sound right,
because I've never...explained this to anyone before..."
A moment passed before I said, "Explained what?" His shouting at
me had knocked my anger level down a few pegs.
"I know this isn't going to make sense...I didn't get it, either, for a
long damn time. Now don't go gettin' mad at me again when I say
this, but I'm tellin' you...I'm not gay. I'm really not."
I re-folded my arms and took a deep breath.
"Don't say anything, just...listen." Again, he rubbed his face
with his hands, then clasped his fingers behind his head and leaned
back against the seat. "You remember back in school, that summer
you first started calling me?"
He smiled a bit and said, "Man, you bugged the hell out of me."
"Well, at first you did. It was like you couldn't take a hint
that I wasn't returning your calls."
"Dude, you gave me your phone number and told me to call you.
What'd you expect?"
"Not the...barrage of times that you called. Anyway, it just
bugged me at first. Then after you came up to Kroger that night
before y'all's trip to New York, I dunno, I felt sorta bad that I never
called you back. That's when I figured, what the hell, what can
it hurt, right?" I said nothing. "Anyway," he went on,
"once we started talking on the
phone more, I was sort of amused by you."
"No-no, calm down. You had this dorky sense of humor, and though
it took a while to get past...how needy you seemed to be--"
"Paul, I really need you to...just be quiet and let me finish."
"Sorry, Go ahead, right from where I was needy."
He glared at me for a second, then continued. "Anyway, when
school started again, and we ended up in the computer class together,
you came across as kinda dorky, but you still made me laugh. A
lot. Over time I found that I was really starting to like
you. You had a bit of a dorky exterior, but you were really
pretty cool, inside."
I shook my head slightly, keeping the smart ass comment I wanted to say
"I think when I started to...I dunno, respect you more, or think of you
more than just a goofy kid, was when we had P.E. together. I
mean," he laughed a bit, "here was this guy, skinnier than a rail,
doing his best to lift weights like everybody else. You tried so
damn hard, you showed so much...heart. Probably more than most of
the guys I'd worked out with on the team."
"Well," I spoke at last, "think about it. I was barely
one-twenty, probably closer to one-fifteen. Pushin' those weights
was hard, but I didn't feel funny, or self conscious, because you were
"Yeah?" He sounded surprised.
"Yeah. You'd stand there while I bench pressed my weight, always
cheering me on, and I believed I could'a done just about
I'd never had that kinda feeling before. You were like the big
should've had, but never did," I shrugged. "I think I may've
wanted to prove something to you."
The rain was coming down even harder, and all I could see in front of
me were the tail lights on the other cars as they either crawled past
us on the highway, or pulled over to wait out the storm.
"Well, that was when I saw how much tougher you really were,
inside. I remember that I enjoyed being around you more, and I
to take you a bit more seriously than I had in the past. It was
some weird way...I felt proud for
you, if that makes any sense. Then I graduated, but I didn't want
to just quit hanging out. During that summer, all the times we'd
be out drinkin', well, I don't know if it was the liquor or what, but I
started thinking about you...in other ways."
"What other ways."
"At the time I didn't want to admit it...hell, I was pretty confused by
it...I'd had a girlfriend and all, so it didn't make sense to me."
He sighed. "Please. Do I have to spell it out for you?" he
"What, you wanted to mess around with me or something?"
"No, that's the thing. What's nuts is that I remember thinking 'I
don't want to screw him.' And that's what was always confusing to
me, because I'd never even thought of doing anything...like
you. I'd be cruisin' along, doin' whatever, and suddenly there'd
be this thought come into my head. 'You can't have sex with
"Okay. I'm not...entirely sure I understand."
He paused for a moment. "You remember that night we went to the
park and climbed the mountain?"
"You kidding? It's one of the best memories I have with you."
"Don't look so surprised. I always thought that the times we hung
out were great. But stuff like hiking the mountain and the last
we were here at the cabin before my surgeries...those times stand out
to me even
more. Anyway...you were saying."
"Well, that night was the first time I ever thought 'hey, I could
actually do something with this guy.' I remember exactly when it
happened, because in my head I was going back to thinking 'what the
fuck? you fuckin' crazy? you're not gonna get gay with him.' I
I'd said something about having sex with a girl on the mountain, or it
was the perfect spot to do that, or something. I don't remember
the exact words, but I remember looking at you and thinking 'oh shit,
you'd better get your shit together.' I was completely...shocked
at the thoughts in my head."
I blew out a deep breath and realized that I was tapping my fingers
against the steering wheel, a habit that I'd picked up from Alan years
"So you wanted to sleep with me?"
"No, I..." he
said. "That's where I was confused. I'd dated Elizabeth and
never even had a thought about any other guys. So when at first,
out of the blue, came the thoughts of not
wanting to do something with you, it didn't make sense to me, because
I'd never even thought of wanting
to do something with you. Does that make any sense at all?
It's like...I was denying something that I never even thought I wanted
to begin with. See what I'm sayin'?"
"No so much," I replied.
"Well, try being on my end of the moment. I was a fuckin' basket
case. I never really thought
about...sexuality that much, but I guess I'd always considered myself a
straight guy. Then all of a sudden it was like I was trying to
convince myself that I actually was
straight, when I'd never doubted it before."
"Okay...I understand...I think," I said, slowly.
"So for the next couple of weeks I kept going back and forth in my
head, not sure why I was doubting anything about myself."
"Huh. So I guess that massage I gave you must have tripped you
"You know," he said, "I remember as you were doing that, for the first
time I found I was thinking that I actually could...go further with
I was so worked up, I was glad that I was lying face down on the
floor. Dude, I had this raging fuckin' hard on, and I couldn't
I chuckled a bit. "I remember when all of a sudden you sat up
real fast against the bed."
"Yeah. Let's just say I'd suddenly experienced enormous denial
towards how my body was reacting. I was always into girls.
Now here's this guy that I'd already had confusing thoughts about,
massaging my back, and I reacted to him by sporting wood."
I couldn't help but laugh at the comment.
"Oh God, I wanted it bad," he went on, "and it freaked the shit out of
me. I had to get out of there."
"I remember. You almost took the hinges off the front door when
He nodded. "There's more."
"Well, I guess there is. I'm still not convinced that you're
straight. At the very least, you're bi."
Don shook his head slightly, then continued as though I'd never
spoken. "Going to North Carolina was the
best...and worst...thing that could've
happened to me. I thought that if I was away, I could push back
the thoughts I'd had about you. For a while it worked."
"You mean when you quit returning my calls?"
"Mm hmm. I was able to ignore thinking of you that way. I'd
go out with Arnie from time to time, we'd pick up girls, and I never
had any issues."
"Meaning, you'd never thought of gettin' together with a guy."
"Exactly. Then one night after drinking, Arnie decided that he
wanted to see if he could get something going with me. I think he
was just horned up really bad."
"Um...I think we call that 'gay'."
Don shook his head again. "Paul, you have no idea the things that
go on in locker rooms."
"Beg your pardon?"
"I think you'd be surprised how much a lot of athletes have somethin'
with each other."
"So is that what all the butt smackin' is about?" I was trying to
crack a joke.
He chuckled a bit. "No. That's all just like givin' each
other a pat on the back, sayin' 'good job' or whatever. Some
guys...well...every once in a while I'd hear of a guy or two on either
the baseball team or the soccer team who would get together with
guy for some action."
"Jeeze, where was I when all this was goin' on," I said
"Well, they weren't, like, in love or anything. Sometimes the
guys would just get horny and jerk each other off.
Sometimes...well...sometimes it was more than that."
"And you don't consider this gay."
"Hell, I dunno. Maybe some of 'em were, but I think that a couple
just liked sex and were attracted to another guy's maleness."
"Maleness? Is that a code word for 'dick'?" I laughed.
He laughed, too. "No. I don't meant to sound like a jerk,
you were never a jock so you might not quite understand...but a lot of
guys in the locker rooms, well...they admire when another guy is really
focused on his body. It's like when you know that a guy is really
into taking care of himself, is really outgoing when it comes to sports
and other kinds of things, there's a sort of...I dunno, camaraderie, or
somethin'. I know I'm not saying it right, but--"
"No, I see what you're saying. It sounds the same as when two
each other's beauty."
"Exactly! A few of the guys just seemed okay with taking that
admiration to another level, I guess."
"So...were you one of those guys."
"No," he said immediately.
"You answered that pretty quick."
"Well, I mean, I see a guy who works out or is extremely athletic, and
sure, I admire the time and effort he puts into himself. But I
don't look at him and go, 'damn, I'd like to crawl onto him and fuck
"But with me, you did."
"Not when I looked at you, no."
"Thank you very much. That's a very
nice thing to say," I said, sarcastically.
"No. What I meant was...shit, how do I put this. Lemme finish
what I was saying. I go off to school, pick up a few chicks with
Arnie from time to time--"
"You sleep with them?"
He hesitated for a moment. "One or two, yeah. Anyway, then
this one night he gets drunk and tries to get me to get him off, but I
wasn't into him. I'd never thought about him that way, but it
made me think about you."
"God, I wish I could tell you. It's taken me a long time to come
to grips with...anyway, after I left Arnie that night, my head kept
going back and forth thinking about you. I
had absolutely no interest in him, but I couldn't get you out of my
head. In fact, I was again constantly denying that I wanted
more from you. That whole thing with him just triggered all the
I sighed, still not understanding.
Don must've read my mind. "Look. I know that this doesn't
make any sense. Anyway, after I left school that first year and
came back for the summer, I figured I'd lay low for a while.
Hell, if I didn't have to see you it'd be easier, I thought. But
then I missed just hanging out with you."
"Well, why didn't you just call me? It's not like we'd moved, or
"Because I didn't want to think about having sex with a guy, and I knew
that if we started hanging out again...well, I really didn't
know what would happen. But by then you and Alan were together."
I laughed a bit. "You know, we tried really damn hard to keep
that from everyone. I'm surprised that more people didn't find
"Well, his brother's a bit of a dick, but I don't think he'd'a done
anything that could'a hurt Alan."
"Ok, so you stayed away that summer because of Alan."
"Pretty much. Then when we wound up in the same class at
DeKalb...well, that sorta blew me away, and it made me face my thoughts
head-on. Then when you blew up and hollered at me after school
that one day in the parking lot, it was like watching that skinny
little kid bench pressing the weights again. You'd shocked me,
but it made me see once again how tough you could be."
I just nodded a little bit. "Man, I know you're trying to explain
all of this, but I'm still not getting your point."
"Damn, dude," he said with a little exasperation, "how do you explain
to someone that you've begun to love him, huh? It's like trying
to tell someone what Coke tastes like." He looked down at his
knees. The rain was still pounding the car in sheets.
"Anyway, more and more time passed and we were hanging out again.
It wasn't exactly like in high school, but it was...it is...still damn
We sat there for a few moments looking out the window.
Finally, he spoke again. "I was finally accepting the fact that I
could be....intimate, sexual, whatever with you when the cancer
hit. God damn, man," he said, laughing a bit, "I don't
think I've ever seen anybody handle a situation like that the way you
did. You fuckin' sailed through
that ordeal. You're told you have cancer, you say 'what do we do
now.' They operate on your lung and it collapses, you say 'what
we do next.' Exploratory surgery, remove the spleen, you say
'bring it on.' Radiation, losing sense of taste, some hair
out? 'What do we do next.' Shit, man. I don't know
anyone...anyone who could've
handled all that like you did."
I resumed tapping my fingers on the steering wheel. "I guess I
just looked at it like it was a speed bump. Nothing more, nothing
"Well, I admire the shit out of you for it."
"Lemme ask you something. When we were in the hospital that day,
talking about Alan--"
"I was trying to feel you out. I wanted to know where your
head was, and the fact that I asked about y'all even scared the shit
"Because! I didn't know what to do next. I'd finally
accepted that I could take our friendship to...another
level. But I didn't know how to say it. I'd debated telling
you anything because you were still recovering from the surgery, but
then Alan came up
and I could see the look in your eyes. So I let it go."
"Just like that?"
"No. Not just like that. What made it easier to let go was
not having to face my own fears I had in telling you. And plus,
what could I have done? Ask you out on the date? 'Hey
Paul, how about we go to The Varsity some night'?"
I shrugged, and a lot of what he was saying was starting to make
"I know. This sounds crazy," he said, looking out his
window. The rain had started to slack up a little bit by that
"Paul, I love you. In a way like a brother, but in another
way...damn," he said quietly. "I care for you so damn much that
it doesn't matter to me that you're a guy. I know that I can show
you how much. I know you love Alan, and none of this changes
that, but I was hoping...I just wanted to see if you could...feel the
I hung my head, unsure of what to say. Finally, I spoke. "Don, I
had a crush on you for as long as I can remember. Even when Alan
and I were first goin' out, I'd think of you a lot, and how much I
him to be you. You're right, I do love Alan--"
"But it's not as though he's a sure thing, anymore."
I smiled at him. "You're tryin' real hard, ain't'cha."
He looked down at his lap.
"Is that why you made dinner last night?"
He nodded and my heart swelled. "I just wanted to do something
nice for you."
"So why get me drunk?"
"Uh...that wasn't getting you drunk as much as it was getting me to relax."
I sat and looked at him for a second. "You were nervous?"
"Nervous as shit."
Before I could stop myself, I leaned across the car and slipped my hand
behind his neck, then pulled his face towards me. Automatically,
he turned his head and brought his lips to mine. We kissed for a
moment or two, even though my mind was still reeling from all that he'd
said. Finally, Don broke the kiss.
"Look," he said, pressing his forehead against mine. "I know this
is a lot to take in, and as much as I'd love to see if we could work it
"Well, I'd really like to give you time to wrap your head around this
"You know, I'm not completely sure how you can't be gay...but I think I
sorta get it--"
"And that's why you should think about it more. I'm not gay, but
I can...do more with you because I love you so damn much. God,
you're my best fuckin' friend...but so much more than that. I
just..wanna give you some time to think. I ain't goin' nowhere."
Pretty much getting what he was saying, I just nodded. The whole
time I was thinking that what he told me
made sense, yet it didn't. Up until then I'd always figured that
if a guy liked
a guy he was gay. It never occurred to me that Don's feelings of
love and friendship for me were so intense that he was willing
to..."cross the line" if you will...and have an even more personal
relationship with me. Sure I still loved Alan, but was I still in love with him? The more I
thought about it, the less sure I was. And Don had made some good
points the night before. I shouldn't have to wait years for Alan
to get over his uncertainty or his weakness so we could be together
again. It wasn't fair to me. Why couldn't I have a guy that
I loved, who also loved me? One who didn't have to live in my
back pocket in order for us to make it work? I understood how
felt and knew what he wanted, but I also knew what I needed.
I needed a man to be there with me and for me. I was getting sick
of being put on hold by Alan. God, how I loved that man, but how
much longer could I wait?
The rain had slacked off enough, so I put the car in gear and drove
"You're right," I finally said to Don. "I need some time to think
"For listening. For not telling me to piss off."
I grinned a little and shook my head. "This is what I call an
Excedrin headache," I said, rattling my head back and forth. Don
laughed out loud. "Dude, I got some thankin' to do. Why can't
anything be easy?" I chuckled.
"Seriously, though, I was worried how about things would turn out
between us if I told you all of this...stuff."
"I'm glad you did. You got'ta know, though, that you've almost
completely blown away my sense of reality. The whole idea of you
being straight, and yet you...care enough about me to...want to get
sexual...well, it kinda makes my head hurt a little."
He shrugged. "I just hope that it'll make sense."
"Well," I said, "just know that your best friend isn't going
anywhere. Although I might not totally get it, as long as I can
talk about it...well, it's gonna take some time."
"I know. It took me a while, too. Just...give it some
I just nodded and kept driving.
* * * *
R.A. training was basically bullshit. I was only to be an
alternate, but I still had to go through all of the meetings where the
director would talk about the rules and regs, building security, how we
should respond to resident complaints, et cetera. It was a little
odd being in the dorms with only twenty or so other people, and it felt
eerily like The Overlook Hotel in The
At the end of the previous spring quarter Greg and I found out that
there was a room opening up on the south side of the building, and we
got the okay from the housing department to store our things in there
during the summer so we wouldn't have to move out and then move back
into the building
when fall quarter came around. Our bunks were disassembled and
lying on the floor of the room, and the couch was the only piece of
furniture besides the lettuce green refridgerator.
Even though technically students weren't allowed to move into the dorms
until the following week, because I had to stay there anyway for the
duration of the training I'd asked Greg if he wanted to go ahead and
start bringing stuff in from his house. I was glad to have the
company. Our new room was actually two doors down and across the
hall from our old one, so the R.A. on that floor was the same.
Otherwise, with the exception of seeing people during the training
sessions, I didn't really hang out with anybody. Most of them
already knew each other, and I felt a little out of place.
I didn't have a problem being alone, because it would give me plenty of
time to really think about everything Don had told me. I was
sense of his initial reactions to me when we first started hanging out,
as well as how confused he was by it all. I mean face it, during
high school we were really just kids who were facing adult situations,
and we had no clue how to handle things. I didn't really have
anybody to bounce the things that he'd told me off of, so it was up to
me to figure it all out. It all boiled down to the fact that his
feelings were so intense where I was concerned, and he wanted to
explore having a deeper relationship with me. It was the
exploring that I wasn't too sure of. But then again, do we always
start out dating people with the intent of getting married? Of
course not. I think what made the situation even more unique was
that we were extremely close friends, and I didn't want to screw that
The second night after training Greg finished moving the rest of his
stuff. Being on the south side of the building had its
advantages, because now
the sun actually made its way into our room. The other side of
the building had been in constant shade which really sucked in the
winter months. The windows in our new room looked out onto the
grassy field that
stretched between the two dorm buildings and let in plenty of
sunshine. We still hadn't had time to put our bunks back
together, and I'd already been sleeping on the sofa bed. As the
night wore on I kept wondering what time Greg was going to be
leaving. After watching a little bit of the news, he announced
that he was going to stay the night in the room as well. I
thought it funny because he didn't bring a sleeping bag or anything.
When he asked me if I'd help him pull the bed out of the couch I may
have looked at him funny, because he asked me if I'd expected him to
sleep on the floor. I guess one of the oddest things about the
situation was that his house was literally a few miles away from the
dorms, and the sofa bed was a double, so to say that things would be
tight would be an understatement.
I was wearing a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, but Greg stripped down to
his boxers, which he always slept in. I'd always thought that he
was a good looking guy, and he was definitely a great friend, but at
the time my signals were going haywire. I didn't know what to do,
but I damn sure wasn't going to sleep on the floor. I was the one
stuck at the school for a week, not him. He could've gone home
Greg left the room to go brush his teeth, and I slipped beneath the
sheets on one side of the mattress. A few minutes later he came
back and climbed onto the other side of the bed. He was lying on
his back with his arms propped behind his head. I turned my back
to him and lay on my side, an inch or two from slipping off the side of
the bed itself. I don't recall ever being more uncomfortable in
my life. Was he wanting something to happen? Had he sensed
that I was gay? I always had suspicions about him, but we never
talked about it. Plus, I knew he'd dated girls and had a lot of
sex in high school....
...which got me thinking about Don and how he felt towards me.
My last thought as I drifted off to sleep that night was 'what is the
deal with the guys in my life? Why am I always so damn confused