Hi there! Well who'd have thought it another chapter, less than a week since the last? This holiday of mine must have been good.
Once again, I'd like to thank so many people for taking the time to write to me. It's partly that that spurred me on to do this chapter so quick. Well that and the fact that a lot of it was written along side the last one.
If anyone wants to write to me my e-mail addy firstname.lastname@example.org
Tell `em that Drew sent you!
Changing Tom's underwear part 5
Hi, Tom here. Andy asked me to take over this part of the story as he says that what happened in the next hour is a total blur to him. He doesn't remember much from the time that I walked in on Jamie and him to the time I found him in the car that he crashed.
Why did I agree? Because there's always two sides to every story. You've only had Andy's side of it. Sure I've read what he's written before uploading, and I'd have to say that it's pretty accurate. But still only his point of view. If you've read the first four parts then you're probably thinking one or two things. One, why doesn't Andy just go for it or move on? Or two, Why hasn't Tom worked out his sexuality and realised that the one person that could be everything to him sleeps in the same bedroom as him? Well I'm sorry I'm not going to be the one to answer those questions, they're for later in this story. What I will do before I move on to what I'm supposed to be writing about is clear up a couple of points. Firstly let me say that Andy is the best friend that I've ever had. He's the first real person that I ever got to know properly.
You may have already read that I come from what's called `a privileged background'. I suppose to most people that would be true, the grass always looks greener. It's not; it's just different. Like my father and my two brothers I was shunted off to boarding school from a very early age. Sure it's supposed to be a great education and set you up for the rest of your life. But the other side of that is the emotional one; nobody thinks what a child goes through.
Being ripped out from a loving family environment to be dropped into a harsh regime. That's not to say that I had a bad time at school, it just took me a long time to adjust to it. Most of my life I'd been surrounded by boys, all from privileged backgrounds. These places have their own rules and if you don't accept them then your life is hell. I didn't accept them; I'm what could be called a natural rebel. If something doesn't seem right to me I say so. That's not what the establishment want. They want to churn out model citizens and beat out any notion of free thought. God, this is turning into a bit of a political statement, I better cut myself down and just give you the details.
After sixth form I didn't want to go to university, I couldn't see the point. I just wanted some free time to find myself. Travel around. My parents eventually persuaded me to apply for placements before taking my A 'levels in the event that I changed my mind. They said that once I'd been accepted to university I could get my place deferred and take a year out. It was a compromise, but I still didn't want to go. I carried on with the argument until I thought that the only way I'd get them off my back is to take a place, get it over and done with, then go off travelling once I'd graduated.
So I thought I'd call their bluff and apply to universities that I knew they wouldn't approve of. As far as they are concerned there are only four universities in the country, Oxford, Cambridge, St. Andrews and Edinburgh. There was no way I was going to any of them, all the ones I chose were way down on the list of establishments of higher learning that my parents would find acceptable. My parents argued with me, saying that they'd pull a few strings to get me into Oxbridge. I wasn't having any of it. I told them that if they wanted me to go to university so much they'd have to go with my choice. That I thought would be the end to it, but they called my bluff by saying that I was going to my choice if that meant that I went to university.
Okay, so they bought me a car to sweeten the pill.
The best thing about my university is that I got to meet real people like Andy. You may remember his comments about me in our first few months. My liking of heavy metal and choice of attire. Well, looking back that was all about rebellion. It was one of the only ways to express yourself in the environment from where I came from. I think Andy opened my mind to so many other possibilities, I don't know if he'll ever realise what effect he had on me in the first few months of our friendship.
That brings me onto sex. Before university I had little opportunity to have sex, well you don't at an all boys school. The truth is that I did have a couple of masturbation sessions with my friend Alex, But then I don't think that there was a boy at school who hadn't added their name to his copybook. I never thought about it much beyond a bit of fun. I never thought as myself as being anything other than heterosexual. Then I met Andy. He has such an amazing personality; it's very easy to get lost in him. He may have mentioned that we're two of the most popular guys in our halls of residence, that's not exactly true. He is. If it weren't for him I don't think I'd have fitted into too easily this co-ed situation that I found myself in.
His personality just attracts people like a moth to a flame. I found myself very attracted to him, not really what you'd call in a sexual way, more like a sort of admiration way. He was so alive; I'd never met someone with as much zest for like as Andy. Okay, so cards on the table I guess that if I reached right down inside there was a flicker of sexual attraction. He's a really good-looking guy, but when we first met and for months after that thought was buried very deep inside. It was a place that I didn't want to go, not on a conscious level, so the voice that spoke reason to me was all but a whisper.
Perhaps the voice that spoke loudest was telling me not to miss out on the first opportunity to meet and sleep with girls. I think I made up for a lot of lost time in my first few months. But always in the back of my mind was Andy. There were nights when we'd sit in our room, just us. We'd be lounging around just in our underwear, chatting about anything and everything. I remember thinking that this guy seemed to have no inhibitions. He wore some of the most amazing briefs that I've ever seen; he didn't seem to care. He got me thinking about the shorts that I always wore, that's when I realised that a guy just in a skimpy thong is a sight to behold. I started to borrow his underwear, I never felt so turned on by an item of clothing in my life. Of course I never admitted this to him. I wouldn't want to admit that he was right about my shorts.
You have to remember that any attraction to him was very subconscious. That night we had together I saw as a major mistake. I didn't want to give him the wrong idea or loose him as a friend. Dig a little deeper and you'd see that I really got off on the whole thing and I was only scared of facing that the one person I felt I could fall in love with was the same sex as I.
This is all starting to sound like Tom MacKay's confession. Forgive me father for I have sinned. Somehow I didn't think saying a few hail Mary's would help me find the answers that were staring me in the face.
It wasn't until the night of the after show party that I consciously thought about it and only then it was because of what Sophie had said after we left the party. She didn't seem too comfortable there and kept on asking if we could leave. Eventually I gave into her nagging and we left, she didn't even give me a chance to say goodbye to Andy or anyone else. When we were walking back to her place I asked her what that was all about. She retaliated with the same question to me. Then she backed it up with a broadside about Andy and I. She couldn't understand why I was there with her when all I wanted was to be there with Andy.
"What?" I asked.
"You heard. You couldn't keep your eyes off him. So what am I to you?"
"What do you mean?"
"Am I some bit of skirt that you hope to shag? Or am I just here for appearances while you act out your pseudo hetro lifestyle."
"You're warped. Don't be so fucking stupid. He's my mate, nothing more."
"Well if you believe that then I feel sorry for you. As far as I could see, if I never spoke to you tonight you'd not have even noticed that I was there. You go off with your `mate' and I hope you'll both be happy."
"I can't believe you're saying this. If you want to break up then fine. I don't give a shit. But don't believe your deranged imagination"
"Whatever. I'll see you around."
And with that she stormed off. I started walking back to halls. Thinking about what she had said. What had I done to give her that impression? I started to think about Andy, maybe I was infatuated by him. That was the first time I clearly remember thinking that. Was it possible? Had I fallen in love with him? Those were questions that I really didn't want to answer, or even really know how to answer. Not now, not ever. Maybe it was that we were so close and he was such an amazing person, who wouldn't love this guy?
I thought back to the party, he was centre of everyone's attention. People coming up to him congratulating him on a fantastic performance. On the face of it he lapped it up, he played up to `the public' as he called jokingly them. I could see though that he wasn't really enjoying it and looked a bit uncomfortable. I know him well enough now to spot those signs. For my part I wanted to tell him to relax and enjoy, he'd earned that night and showed the world that he was a brilliant actor. A thought came to me on that walk back to halls that ran round my head that I suddenly felt very uncomfortable with. I remembered thinking at the party while all the buzz was going around him, while I was making small talk with Sophie that all I wanted to do go over and hug Andy.
I got back to our room, switched on the light and sat on my bed. The same thought was running through my head. I had to get away, this was not happening to me. I don't know how long I was in that mind. I just remember feeling totally fatigued. I started to undress, I pulled down my boxers, underneath I was wearing on of Andy's thongs. I got up and walked to my wardrobe and opened the door. On the inside was a full length mirror. I stared at myself; I could see the changes that had taken place to my body since I started working out in the campus gym. I had a much better muscle definition; a six pack was starting to show through. I felt proud of that. I placed my hand on the nylon pouch, feeling my dick constrained within the packaging. I started rubbing myself until I became hard, my head was empty, I was just acting on impulse. I eased out my cock from the tight material and started rubbing my hand up and down the shaft. That's when a thought entered my head. Andy, I was thinking about Andy. I wanted him to be doing this. The spell broke. I fell back on my bed and just laid there. After a time I got back up saw my dick soft and still poking over the top of Andy's thong. In a rage I took the thing off and threw it across the room.
I got into bed and prayed that Andy would get lucky at the party. There was no way I could deal with being in the same room as him. I had to get away. Away from him, away from here. That's all that was on my mind. You read about our conversation that night in the last but one chapter so I wont go back over it.
The next day I was up early, didn't actually sleep that much anyway. I went for breakfast and then back to the room. I knew Andy had one last class so I took the opportunity to pack and go. I just had to get home and try to get my mind back together.
The next week I must have been hell to be around. My folks were happy to see me back and wanted to know all. I gave one word answers to their questions and tried to stay out of their way as much as I could. All I could think about was my feelings for Andy; I came to my senses in that week. I knew that it wouldn't go away no matter how much I wanted it to. I also found that I was really missing Andy. Being up in the Lowlands countryside with nothing around for mile gives one a good opportunity to think.
My parents told me about the Christmas ceilidh that they had planned, they said that I could invite some people up if I wanted to. I thought of the old crowd from school and how cool it would be to see some of them again. I called around but at short notice I only managed to get hold of a couple of the guys. I was happy with that, as they were two of my closest friends from school.
Then there was Andy, I wanted to invite him but I didn't know how too. We hadn't parted on brilliant terms and I wasn't even sure if he would want to speak to me. All I knew is that although I hadn't got my mind round everything that was happening to me, I wanted to see Andy. I wanted to find out if there was anything there or was it in my mind? Above all I wanted to explain to him what was going on. I knew I owed him that much. I didn't know if I could offer him more at that point but if he was willing to be patient with me, who knows what could happen. I knew now that I loved Andy, I just didn't know what kind of love it was.
I went to London when my father insisted that I went with him on business. "Be a good grounding for your future my boy" Were his words. I thought what the hell, might take my mind off things for a while. While I was down there I must have picked up the phone to call Andy a dozen times. Each time I bottled it. I just couldn't find the right words.
I finally plucked up enough courage to call him when I got back home. I asked him about coming up for Christmas and New Year. He seemed really happy to hear from me, so I thought that was a good sign. He told me that he would have to check it with his parents and would get back to me. Two days later I was in Edinburgh to meet him.
I parked my car in the St. James shopping centre car park and made my way through the mall. As I had about an hour to kill before his train was due I did a little last minute shopping. I wanted to get Andy a Christmas present, I didn't have to worry about the rest of my friends as they were only going to be staying over for the night of the party. It was only Andy who was going to be up for the whole week. Besides, my friends and I never bothered with presents.
After wandering aimlessly though several shops I entered a clothes store. I needed to get myself some new clothes anyway and I thought I might find Andy something as well. I did when I strolled past the underwear section. They had on display silk thongs, in several different colours. Ideal, I thought. I chose a pair for him, then as an after thought I picked up another three for myself.
I found some other things like jumpers and shirts that I needed then took them up to the counter to pay. The assistant started to fold everything up until she got to the bottom of the pile where the thongs were. She stopped for a second then started to remove the hangers. I don't know why but my heart started beating like a drum. She looked up to me and smiled. I smiled slightly nervously back.
"My boyfriend wears these" She said in a heavy Edinburgh accent. "Except I have to get them for him because he wont buy them on his own"
"Is that right?" I couldn't really think of anything else to say.
"Aye, stupid really. They're just underwear; I don't know why people have hang ups about it. Personally I think a man looks great in a thong. My boyfriend does. I bet you do as well."
"Well actually, I'm buying these for a present for my boyfriend and yes he looks great in them."
"Oh" She said totally unfazed. "In that case would you like me to gift wrap them?"
"No, I've got that covered."
I don't know what came over me. All I knew was that I had a warm feeling inside of me when I mentioned about my boyfriend. True he wasn't my boyfriend, but it sort of felt right in thinking of him like that. I think that's when I knew everything would be right between Andy and I. The first time I verbalised my feelings all be it to a total stranger I felt right. I loved Andy.
I gave the assistant my credit card and completed the transaction, we wished each other a happy Christmas and I made my way out to the train station. Andy's train was just arriving as I got down on to the platform.
You know I've never told Andy what happened in that shop, I guess he'll know once he's read this. Which reminds me, I was only supposed to do a paragraph of background. The main reason for me writing was to tell you what happened after he stormed out of the house.
I couldn't look Andy in the face. I felt hurt, betrayed even. I know that he could never have known that I was trying to find the right time and the right words to let him know how I felt about him. But seeing him there with Jamie's legs over his shoulders, just sent me reeling. I felt a pang of jealousy slap me round the face and I had to be away from him. I went into my room and Alex followed. He was sprouting a load of crap to me, to be honest I wasn't listening.
Alex is a great guy and has been a good friend through most of my life. We've been through a lot together and I'd have to say that one of his best traits is his loyalty. Alex isn't an easy person to know and only a very small circle of people have been allowed to get anywhere near to what's going on inside his head. To the outside world he can come over as arrogant, brash, rude even. But that's a front that he puts on to the outsiders and he calls them.
It's a defence mechanism. Alex hasn't had the easiest of lives. He'll hate me for telling you this but his parents were killed in an accident when he was twelve and having no siblings the closest to family he has are a couple of uncles. They took over his affairs and that of his substantial estate until he reaches majority. That's why he didn't go on to university, he's been learning the ropes so to speak of running a country estate, farmlands and tenancies. I have to say that I'm proud of the way he's flung himself into that role. He wouldn't let on but he works really hard, not that I give much credence to material gain, but I wouldn't be at all surprised if he doubles his net worth within ten years.
When Alex sets himself a goal, there's very little that will get in his way. It's his forthright nature. It's probably that which was responsible for coming in between us. For a long time now, I've known that Alex likes guys, he made no secret of it and in school that's not always the wisest of things to do. This could have been a problem for him but in a boys school with no access to the opposite sex guys can do things that under other circumstances would never do. There were guys that would seek out others for a bit of companionship, shall we say. Alex never got any hassle for being gay because he was blowing most of the guys that would have been doing the hassling. It was a sort of equilibrium; both parties got what they wanted.
I guess that I was curious or something at one point but it never went beyond a bit of mutual wanking. But that was where the problem with us lay, he wanted more. He told me that he loved me and then despite my telling him that I wasn't that way, he spent the next three years trying to change my mind. It nearly destroyed our friendship as I really didn't see him in that way.
I'm sorry, I've gone off the subject again. It's just that I know from the brief snatch in Andy's last chapter, Alex didn't come off to well. I don't want people to think that he was the bad guy or something. I think that I was being a bit insensitive to his feelings, as all I could think about was what I'd just seen in Andy's room. When I got into my room Alex followed and said something stupid like what's the problem? That's when I blurted out that I'd fallen in love with Andy, but didn't know how to handle it. Really stupid, here I was telling my oldest friend, a friend that I knew had feelings about me and although on the face of it that whole thing had been sorted out, there must have been a real pang of jealousy in Alex. That's why he came back with a barrage of words putting Andy down. I wish that Andy hadn't heard what Alex had said, as I don't think that he could now get past that and see my friend as someone who is actually a good person.
Anyway. Andy came in to my room, obviously hearing what Alex had just said. I wasn't really thinking, I don't suppose anyone was that night. I shouted at him a few times and told him to get out. I wish that I'd had the courage to say why I was feeling so hurt, but I couldn't.
Jamie left a moment after Andy pushed past him, leaving Alex and I in my room. I asked Alex to leave, as I really wanted to be alone. A few minutes later Jamie came back. He seemed nervous and shaken. He told me that I really should get after Andy. I told him to mind his own business and fuck off.
"Tom, r-really, you have to go after Andy," he said
"What the fuck do you know? Don't tell me that I should get after him, far all I care he can fuck off an walk home"
"That's just it. I followed him outside, all he was saying was that he had to get out of here. He went up to a car and the next thing I knew he was in it and driving off. Tom, I sorry if there's something going on between you two. I had no idea, but that's not important right now. Andy's gone and I don't think he was in a fit state to drive."
I remembered Andy telling me during one of our conversations one night at uni that he'd learned how to hot wire cars, apparently it was a common pass time where he lives. The kids bored with nothing to do would go out joy riding. Andy assured me that he was never into that, but had learned how to in his words `Jack a car' just the same.
Jamie had a point; if Andy had taken off he could be in trouble. Suddenly all my anger dissipated. I followed Jamie down to the front door and in the dark distance I saw the lights of a speeding car. That's when the worry kicked in. I didn't know if Andy was a good driver or not and given the state of mind that he was in and the amount of alcohol that he'd drunk; in the dark with snow covering the ice on the road I was sure that he wouldn't be able to handle it. I went back into the house and grabbed the keys to the estate Land Rover and started the chase after him.
I knew that the Rover could never match the speed of the Z3 that he'd borrowed, but I also knew that it was the best vehicle for the road and weather conditions.
Some may say that it was an irony, as Andy could never have known who's car he'd borrowed but the BMW Z3 belonged to Alex.
I followed the track in the snow for a couple of miles, The road twisting around the hillsides. Visibility wasn't great, as it had yet again started to snow, the tracks from the Z3 were covering up quickly. I came to a fork in the road and saw the remnants of tyre tracks, my heart sank. The road that Andy had taken lead to a very treacherous road at the best of times, blind turnings and shear drops. As I followed the tracks I noticed a lot of swerving, Andy was obviously loosing control. Then I slammed on my breaks and came to a skidding halt. I was dumbstruck as I saw the tracks leave the road into the blackness of night.
At first I couldn't get out of my car. Thoughts ran through my mind of loosing Andy. I pictured the road in daylight in my mind to try to work out what might be there, shear drop or field. I finally got out of the Rover and made my way over to see what had happened. I can tell you that I breathed a sigh of relief that I saw the Z3 front down in a shallow ditch. I knew now that at least Andy had a good chance of being alive. Not something likely if there had been a thirty foot drop instead. I ran over to the car as fast as I could.
When I got there Andy was out cold. I called his name a couple of times, but nothing. I've never done any first aid training, so all I could think of was to check if there was a pulse. Thankfully there was. I ran back to the Rover and got on to the estate two way radio. The game keeper answered my call. I told him what had happened, I asked him to get my father and Dr Braco, who was also at the party, down.
I have no idea how long they took, all I could think about was ways of keeping Andy alive. I knew as much not to move him, but thought he's start to freeze. I looked in the back of the Rover for something to keep him warm, fortunately there was a rug in there.
I went back to the car and opened the door to place the blanket round him. I called his name a few more times, telling him to stay with me. He started to regain consciousness. Slowly moving his head round towards me.
"Shit man, you frightened the life out of me".
He laughed slightly then grimaced from the pain. He whispered something about the power of dramatics then passed out again.
Dad and the doc arrived and within an hour we were in an ambulance to the local hospital. I say local; it was twenty miles away.
Well that's me just about done. Okay so I've gone off on a couple of other tangents before coming to the real point of me writing this I hope no one minds too much. I'll hand you back to Andy, who after all is the one telling this story. I've enjoyed writing this more than I thought I would, so who knows, maybe this wont be the last time we meet.