Date: Tue, 20 Jul 1999 04:39:38 PDT
From: Evan Dane <kencyr@hotmail.com>
Subject: chasing-tyler-4

Warning: This story STILL does not contain explicit sex, but it may contain
scenes of burgeoning young attraction that some may find offensive.  Your
discretion is advised.--Ev

Chasing Tyler Part IV:
That Thing with Feathers Perched in the Soul
--Evan Dane

	"Am I on crack?  No, wait; I needed a hallucinogenic
substance...psilocybin or mushrooms.  Am I on mushrooms?"  Tyler sat
bemused as the wind rushed through his hair.  He peeked again out of the
corner of his eyes to verify that he was indeed sitting net to Philip and
that they were going off on a date.
	"Date."  The word echoed in his mind hollowly.  Would his parents
flip out?  Would his little brother still admire him?  "Will you still love
me tomorrow?"  The refrain echoed suddenly in his mind.
	"Date."  As he tasted the word, wrapped his mind around it, he
found it was actually becoming more palatable.  Even exhilarating.  He was
on a date with an intelligent and charming young man.
	"What are you thinking about?"  Philip asked, glancing quickly at
Tyler to meet his eyes before concentrating again on the road.  He
stretched out his right hand and tentatively rested it on Tyler's thigh.
	A little tense at first, Tyler reached down slowly and clasped
Philip's right with his left.  It was warm and firm.  He marveled at its
light covering of fine blonde hairs, shining a tawny gold in the fading
light.  Looking up into Philip's anxious eyes, Tyler smiled and kissed the
back of the hand.  "Nothing much.  Just how much of a dream come true this
is."
	"Aw, shucks.  You're going to make me blush," Philip said, but his
grin belied his modest words.  "You're pretty wonderful yourself."
	"Um, did we just miss the turn for Crestview?"
	"Yes, we didn't turn, but don't worry; we're going to Lakewood."
	"Cool."
	Crestview was a grand park in the tradition of London's Regent's
Park; a big sprawling campus with beautiful fountains, an acre of flower
beds, a grandstand with a mini food court, and a lake replete with carp and
ducks.  Plenty of bushes and small wooded copses created secluded areas
popular with local couples, but Tyler had always thought it lacked a
certain soul.  Plus the pooping ducks and swan left their little gifts
everywhere.
	Lakewood was not a garden or showy park so much as it was a nature
preserve on the shores of Lake Wellington.  It still had its share of
ducks, but fewer frequented the park since nature lovers for the most part
tended to respect the rules prohibiting feeding them (while feeding the
showy swans at Crestview was actually funded in part by the county).
	As Tyler absently ran through these comparisons in his mind, Philip
had time to turn off into the park, drive about a mile in, and stop at an
old oak.
	"Tada!"  Philip gave a grand flourish.
	"Yay?"  Tyler feigned enthusiasm uncertainly.  All he could see was
a wall of trees and no obvious clearing at which they could have their
picnic.
	"Ah, patience, grasshopper," Philip said with a wink as he stepped
out of the car.  "Let's get the stuff out of the trunk and then all will be
made clear."
	Pulling an actual wicker-y picnic basket out of the trunk, Philip
crooked his arm invitingly, and Tyler, smiling, slid his own arm in.  As
they neared the woods, Tyler began to see a break in the trees that had
been invisible from the road.  Catching Tyler's eye and making
exaggeratedly large steps, Philip pantomimed to Tyler that he should walk
carefully.  Just about seven yards down the root-strewn path was a patch of
flat ground on the edge of the lake.
	Philip pulled out a blue and white checkered cloth and spread it
out on the grass.  He rummaged around in the basket as Tyler took in the
surroundings.  Their clearing was about a nine foot tall trapezoidal zone
of grass surrounded on three sides by the woods and by the lakefront.  Tiny
blue-white flowers peeked out from the grass and leaf-littered ground.  The
lake itself was serene and glassy, echoing the green forest and sky on its
surface.  Only the sight of a few ducks and the chittering of birds in the
trees above served to remind that there was anything else alive in the
world.
	"So how do you like it?"  Philip asked shyly, breaking the minutes
of silence.
	"It's...wow.  It's just really neat.  Thank you for bringing me
here.  How did you ever find this place?  I couldn't even see the path to
it until we were almost in it."
	"Well, that's because I found it from the lake-side.  My sister and
I were paddling back from the island, and I made her stop at this spot.
That bush over there has some awesome purple flowers in mid-summer."
	"I thought there was no canoeing or swimming in the lake.  Isn't it
poisoned or something?"
	"Well, there used to be some industrial run-off from the factories
on the hill that killed off a lot of the wildlife in the area when the fish
went.  When this area was turned into a preserve and the lake was re-seeded
with fish, the area really came back together.  The hyacinth farm off the
island helped to pull a lot of the crap out of the water.  About six years
ago the lake was ruled safe, but it was polluted for so long, people still
don't like to use it.
	"Boats aren't allowed on the lake most of the year, but my sister's
with the Parks Department, so she takes me out to the island with her to
check up on the Wellington loon population.  They're an endangered species,
so no boating until they've gone south to winter, but by then there's only
a few weeks before the lakes freezes, so most people don't even bother
anymore."
	Tyler heard Philip's explanation on one level, but he was also
watching the light in his eyes and the way his eyes glowed as he talked
about a subject obviously close to his heart.  It was cute in a
tree-hugging optimistic sort of way.
	Deciding to make use of the blanket, Tyler lay down on his side,
one arm propped up to support his head.  Philip noticed his movement and
turned smiling.  Tyler briefly mourned the loss of the lines and curves of
his profile, but was rewarded when Philip stretched himself out and spooned
himself behind him.
	"A guy could get used to this," Tyler sighed, content.
	"That's nice for the guy, but I'd rather know if you, specifically,
could get used to this."
	Tyler thumped a shoulder back into Philip for his bad joke and
sighed inaudibly again.  Closing his eyes, he lost himself in the feeling
of the warmth at his back, the faint stirring of hairs at the back of his
neck from Philip's breath, the sensation of knowing he was with a great guy
he longed to know more about.  He wasn't sure if he dozed off, but he was
surprised to find, when he opened his eyes, that Philip had one arm slung
over onto his chest where his fingers stroked lightly at his shirt.  He
watched the graceful, supple lines of the fingers as their feathery strokes
brushed him softly as if strumming a guitar.
	"So how 'bout some dinner, hm?"  Philip asked quietly.  "We'll lose
the light in an hour."
	Tyler groaned theatrically, but nodded.  "So what is for dinner?"
	"Why don't you have a look?"
	Tyler turned and found that he must have napped for a few minutes
because spread out on the rest of the blanket was a miniature feast: four
types of sandwiches, some cold chicken breast, a bowl of salad, a plate of
assorted cheeses and crackers, a few bags of chips, colas, and two
thermoses.  In addition to the setting sun, two candles burned merrily in
the midst of the plates of food and two crossed tiki torches stood just off
the blanket.
	"Are you just really hungry," Tyler wondered.  "Or do I look like I
eat a lot?  No, wait.  Sorry.  I didn't mean to make a joke.  When I get
nervous, I make jokes."
	"That's all right.  Well, I didn't know what you liked to eat and I
didn't want you to starve, so I packed some peanut butter and jelly,
turkey, tuna, and chicken salad sandwiches.  Then I didn't want you to go
thirsty so I raided our pantry and dug out lots of sodas, and then made up
some coffee and tea.  Damn!  I forgot to bring water."
	"That's quite all right.  I'll be fine with a 7-Up.  Toss me a
turkey sandwich, too, please."
	"Ty, when did you first know?  That you were gay, I mean," asked
Philip as he underhanded a wrapped turkey to Tyler.
	"And here I thought you were going to tell me sweet nothings about
my eyes," Tyler laughed before his eyes unfocused in thought.  "I guess
I've known since I was a little kid.  Maybe 9 years old in the fourth
grade?  Well, that's not quite true.  I knew I was different, but I didn't
have name for it yet.  Gay was just a thing you didn't want to be back
then; I'm pretty sure even the bullies that used it to brand us littler
ones knew exactly what it meant.  But I knew I couldn't be gay because that
was a bad thing everyone made fun of.  No, I was just a little different.
My mom tried calling it special, but kids were quick to twist that into
'special ed." so you couldn't use that term either...
	"We were required to start showering that year after PE, but I was
always too shy to ever take a good look at other guys.  I don't think I
gave into that urge to compare until a few years later.  By then, I had
learned through various whispered confidences that gay meant to suck other
guys' dicks, but that still was not me.  I had defined myself as smart and
curious, that's all.
	Tyler sipped absently at his soda.  "I guess I first started
wondering if the term applied to me in maybe the tenth grade.  I found guys
really attractive not just in the locker room but outside of it as well.
After breaching the subject to myself late at night once, I managed to
convince myself that I was just confused since I had gone to an all-boys
school for so long.  I was in my horny adolescent phase, so even guys were
looking good.  I had gone out with, um, three girls by that time, one of
them for four months, but they never really took off beyond kissing and
holding hands.  Sex was not a real issue at the time since I was in the
throes of the saving-oneself-for-marriage-piety kick.  The right girl would
come along someday and knock my socks off.
	"I got really involved in school and clubs at that point--I ran for
and won the class presidency and I joined the volleyball team and the Key
Club--so the questions of sex sort of dried up because I really didn't have
time for relationships.  It only sort of bothered me when I asked a girl
out for one-time only events like the prom, winter formal, or spring fling.
I just told myself I was gunning for a good college with my activities and
stuff and I'd have plenty of time for women in college.
	"Then when I got here, I had all this free time on my hands.  We
don't have a guys volleyball team--and I am kind of short for Division 1
anyway--and I had enough in scholarships that my parents were able to cover
the rest and allow me to concentrate on my studies without need for a job.
I joined a lot of clubs and studied my butt off, but I still had a lot of
time to think.  I came to admit that I didn't just like guys' bodies.  I
liked their companionship and physicality, and I could all too easily
imagine myself touching one in a sexual manner.  But I still couldn't be
gay because gays were bad things.
	"I was amazed to find the Internet housed things like journals and
stories that detailed young people just like me struggling with gay
feelings against conscience and beliefs.  Gays weren't just dirty
pedophiles or perverts seeking quick sex in dark public bathrooms; gay
meant loving guys and I could do that.  All the other locker-room
scuttlebutt was just prejudice and misinformation.  I admitted to myself
that I was gay, but I still didn't tell anyone."  Tyler noted that the sun
was considerably lower in the sky just above the horizon.  "Jeez, sorry for
rambling on like that.  I guess taking that step beyond admitting and
actually acting on my feelings today has had me thinking about this whole
situation.  It was all fresh in my mind when you asked...  Are you sure
this is a date and not a therapy session?"
	Philip shrugged.  "Well, something's been on your mind today so I
thought that I'd try to tease it out.  I'm not a psych major, but I am a
pretty good listener."
	"So what's your story?"
	"Mine? I didn't have your luxury of time to adjust to what I am.  I
knew, like you, that something was different pretty early.  I came to my
final conclusion a lot earlier though, and by the eleventh grade I told a
good friend in a meandering way that I thought I was gay.  He did not take
it well at all.  In a few days, I was suddenly out to most everyone, and I
was also out a friend."
	"Are you going to be okay?"  Tyler asked softly, placing a hand on
Philip's arm to give it a squeeze.
	"Yeah," Philip squeezed out the tear that had been threatening to
fall for a bit and let it roll down his face.  "It was a few years ago, but
it still hurts.  Actually, I was surprised that most of my friends didn't
change and only the school jerks teased me about it any.  I guess since
it's the nineties and all."
	"Well, now that I've thoroughly ruined our date and wasted an hour
of light, why don't we finish up here?  Then we can sing some happy-happy
songs and forget our troubles.  Hm, you know, people that don't drink or do
drugs need to find an equivalent way of saying 'drown your sorrows,'" Tyler
grinned.
	"Nah, you haven't ruined it.  It's just different.  Besides, I was
the bright guy that asked about your coming out.  And you really don't
drink?"
	"Not any more," Tyler vowed grimly.
	"Well, okay, but we cannot go until you've tried some of my
cake-lets," Philip drew two more surprises out of the seemingly endless
cornucopia that was the woven picnic basket.
	"Huh.  These look like cupcakes, but, um, squatter.  How'd you make
them?"
	"Why in my Easybake oven, of course!  Every guy wanted one; I just
demanded one often enough to get one," Philip smiled.  "Just joshing you,
actually.  My mom's into all those cooking gadgets you see on television,
so our kitchen and pantry are chock full of cookbooks, grill-o-somethings,
dehydrotenators that double as apple corers.  Add weird appliances to a
natural inquisitive latch-key kid who had a lot of time and, presto, you
have Super Cookin' Kid!  Nightly cook of the Torrence family and inventor
of the apple tortettes in cupcake cups!"
	Sharing a companionable grin, the two sat on the shores of the
lake, watching a V formation of ducks crisscross the orang-ing sky and
eating their tortettes.
	Desert done and sky gray, they packed up their picnic with obvious
reluctance, quenching the torches and candles at the very end.  As dishes
and food items were packed away, their fingers tended to brush almost as if
by accident, if it hadn't happened every minute or two.  The short walk
through the woods was also accompanied by slight jostlings that could have
been caused by tripping over roots in poor light but had a very friendly
and playful quality to them.
	The car ride was quiet, but not eerily so.  They had shared a bit
more than either had anticipated, but they seemed the closer for it.  They
met each others' eyes every so often and smiled.  Tyler broke the silence
first as he saw they were nearing his dorm and the official end of the
night.
	"So since our date's already been unusual, I guess I won't ruin it
by asking you about the identity of this foxy platinum blonde girl I saw
you with at lunch a while back.  She was all over you."  The image still
bothered him, and he felt he needed some kind of reassurance.
	"Huh?  Aw, are you jealous, Ty?  That's kind of sweet.  That's just
Ang.  Angie Columbus.  We're just friends, and she was raised in a really
affectionate family."
	"So you're not bi or anything?"  Tyler persisted.  Philip had not
looked at him throughout the explanation, so Tyler could not read the
sincerity he usually liked to see in others' eyes.
	Philip grinned.  "Bi, gay, straight, those're all just labels,
dude.  Kinsey says most people are in-between gay and straight with only a
few at the extremes.  I am pretty solidly on the gay side, but I'm not
about to say that I don't find certain women attractive.  Can you honestly
say that all women are value neutral to you?"
	"No, I can't," Tyler said slowly.  Philip's answer was far from
unequivocal, but something about the logic was really unromantic.
Shouldn't Philip be reassuring him that there was no one else in his life
as he gazed into his eyes with starstruck adoration?  Isn't that what the
movies said should happen?  Tyler inwardly laughed then at his romantic
flight of fancy and squashed the jealous and suspicious thoughts as being
unworthy.  Life was not a romantic movie, but it also wasn't a soap opera.
	Philip pulled up in front of the dorm and let the car idle.
Neither wanted the night to end just yet, so they sat in that sweet
awkwardness with the post-first date jitters.
	"Do you want to come up for a while?"  Tyler offered shyly.
	"Tempting, cutie, but not on a first date," Philip grinned.  He
leaned in to kiss Tyler on the cheek and whispered, "Actually I'm not sure
I could control myself, so don't tempt me.  I want to keep up my stature in
your lovely eyes."
	Tyler shivered at the thought and turned to Philip to give him a
soft kiss on the lips.  "Well, if you're sure?"  He waggled his eyebrows
invitingly.
	"Get you gone, scamp!  You're testing my willpower here," Philip
moaned and pushed Tyler gently out the car door.
	As Tyler watched the car drive away, Philip's arm shot out his
window and waved back at him.  Tyler waved back though he hoped Philip had
his eyes on the road.  Although the night was still nicely warm, he
shivered again wondering whether he should have pressed his advantage and
asked Philip to stay, what might have happened to his 21 year streak of
virginity, and if he really would have been sad if he had not waited for
marriage as he had once fondly imagined.

*************

     Part IV somehow made it on time, but Part V will not be so lucky.
Peek at my website message board for any updates.
     Stop by the site and contribute a favorite link to resources on
suicide, depression, substance abuse, runaways/homelessness, coming out,
and support information (for gay youth in particular).  Even if few people
ever visit these links I will post, in my future line of work, I would like
to have some of these references handy, so your help is much appreciated.
Thank you, benigne, spasiba, danke, doomo arigatto, gracias, cheers, and
mahalo nui loa in advance.  Evan Dane <kencyr@hotmail.com>

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