Date: Sun, 3 Oct 2004 10:04:45 -0400 (EDT) From: Brad Subject: College with Mark 13 CHAPTER 22 "John, you can put your bags in Brad's old room." "Ok," John said as he carried his bags into the other room. Mark followed him and said, "John, come in here to the living room when you get through." John came into the living room and said, "Yeah, Mark, whatcha need?" "Sit down. I want to talk to you." John sat down and looked at his brother apprehensively. Mark said, "John, something is bothering you and I want to know what it is." "Nothing." "John, I know you better than that. Something is up." "Mark, we can't talk about this," John said flatly. "We have to. Now come on and tell me. You don't seem happy to be here." "Mark, I am not happy to be here. I didn't want to come, but I did because I thought that is what was expected of me. That is why I do everything that I do. That is why I have gone through the embarrassment that all of you guys have put me through in the past month. I have done it because that is what I thought I was expected to do. I am getting tired of it. Everyone at school knows about you and Brad, and I have had to deal with a lot of grief from them. I just haven't told anyone about it. I don't really like what you two have chosen to do, but I have accepted that you are going to and there is nothing I can do to stop it." "John, I am sorry to have hurt you. It really does hurt me to see that I have put you through pain, but please realize one thing before you judge me and Brad." "While Brad and I chose one another, neither of us chose to be gay. Its just the way we were. Why on earth would anyone in their right mind choose to be gay? For years I hated it. I fought it, but was never able to overcome it. You see, the only choice for a gay person is whether to live a lie and pretend to be straight or to be yourself. Maybe it isn't that way for all gay people, but I know it was true for me, and it was true for Brad." "Even with all that, it is still hard on me, and quite honestly, I resent it." "I can understand that. I am sorry for everything I put you through, but even if I were to break up with Brad and go back to pretending that I was straight, it wouldn't change anything would it? The same people would still talk about me and call me a faggot, and probably you one too. I guess what I am getting at is that the damage is now done. I hope that you can accept me for who I am, and I hope that I can help you through whatever you go through." "Each and every Sunday throughout our childhood, we went to church. There we learned that being gay was perhaps the biggest sin of all. It is something that is an abomination to God, and he hates it. People hate it, and you and Brad still do it." "John, I went through a really hard time dealing with this, and never told anyone. I went to church and tried to hide it. I prayed, and read the bible. You remember when I would go to everything at the church and just involved myself in everything there was at the church. I was doing that and praying to God every night that he would make me normal. He never did. After a time, I grew more and more frustrated until eventually, the lie that I was living by trying to be super Christian, made me not only hate church, but hate God for making me into something horrible, and refusing to help me." "And that is why you suddenly stopped going to church at all." "Yes." "You know you upset Mom pretty bad when you did that." "I know, but at that time, I couldn't handle it anymore. I think that if I had kept going and not stopped, that I might have killed myself." "You thought about suicide?" "I did briefly, but never really seriously. Brad, on the other hand, was a little more serious about it. I was not nearly as bad once I stopped going to church. I know it really bothered Mom, but I couldn't take it any longer." "So you are an atheist and hate God now?" Mark laughed, "Not exactly." "What do you mean?" John asked. "First of all, I don't hate God anymore. Second, I am not exactly a bible scholar, but I don't think it is wrong based on my personal experience." "So what you are saying is that if you don't like what part of the bible says, then you can just ignore it?" "Well no, but I do think that God made me the way I am. After being taught that it was wrong, I did everything I could to strengthen my relationship with him and to live the way I was supposed to. Because rather than take it away, he made the feelings stronger, and eventually gave me Brad, I feel that he must not hate me after all. Also, I don't know exactly where, but I know that in the bible, it says that God is love. It also says that we should love one another. If the main aspects of the bible are to love, then why would God hate me for loving someone too much?" "...But in the bible, it says that having gay sex is wrong." "Yes, but it also says that all adultery is wrong, and I believe that divorce is considered adultery. This is just my belief, but I think that were gay sex is mentioned, it is referring to casual sex with men being just as wrong as casual sex with women. Again, I am not a bible expert, nor do I claim to be, but this is the way I have begun to think." "You seem to have thought about it a while. Those all sound like real good points, but it doesn't make it any easier for me you know." "I am sorry for that, John. I really am. You know I would do anything in the world to make it better for you." "Well, it's not just that, its Rick and Mary too. I mean everyone in town knows about it. This week has just been pure hell. I have had play the part and do what is expected of me. I have been supportive of all of you guys or at least tried to. I just don't know how much more I can handle," John said with tears in his eyes. "I know I am part of the problem, but I love you no matter what. I hope I can help you through this somehow." "I just don't know how to handle things anymore. I have lived my life trying to be what I am supposed to be, yet never feeling like I measured up." "John, let me ask you something. Who are you trying to measure up to?" "Yours and Rick's accomplishments, and Mom and Dad's expectations." "John, you have been a perfect student in high school. It wouldn't surprise me if you were valedictorian next year. You are popular in school, and are a cute guy if I do say so myself. You are a hard worker. How could Mom and Dad possibly have any higher expectations than you already live up to?" "I don't know. I just feel like I have to do well." "John, it's very important to do well in what you do, but you have to enjoy yourself some too. Don't get me wrong, you need to continue to work hard at your studies, but you don't need to compare yourself to us. We are two different people. You will probably have one of the top GPA's in your high school class. I, on the other hand, barely was an honor graduate. I really don't know how Rick did, if that shows how important it really is in the grand scheme of things." "But what if people won't have anything to do with me." "John, you are a great guy. People aren't going to shun you just because of what Rick or I have done. Even if they did, would you really want to be friends with people who would do that to you?" "I guess not," John said. Mark put his arm around his brother and said, "John, you are my little brother, and I love you. I will do whatever I can to help you through this, but please know that I am completely and hopelessly in love with Brad. I know you haven't experienced it yet, but I can only hope that one day you will be able to experience the feelings I have for Brad." "Thanks, I think," John said. "John, please loosen up. You are going to worry yourself to death." "I'll try, Mark. It is just hard. I love you and Brad, but sometimes it is a lot to take. Plus now with Rick and Mary, well, that's a whole other issue to deal with." "I know it is, but I am always here for you, and Rick is too." "I know it probably doesn't count for much, but I am here for you too," Brad said from behind them. He had silently walked into the apartment while they were talking. "Thanks, Brad. I really appreciate your concern for me. I will be okay. Just let me be alone a little while, okay?" John said as he walked slowly towards Brad's old room. "That is fine, John. Will you feel like going to dinner in a little while though, or would you prefer we just got something here?" "Just let me rest a little while and then we can go somewhere." "That sounds great," Brad said as he and Mark went into their room for some rest. "It will be my treat." After they shut the door to the bedroom, Mark said, "No, it doesn't have to be your treat." "Mark, it does because you give me a treat by being with me every day." "I love you." CHAPTER 23 After a restful weekend, in Athens, Mark Brad, and John drove back home to Cravey County where wedding plans were going on full force. Rick and Mary were madly trying to plan a wedding that Mary's mother would find acceptable while still having a distant relationship with her. In several situations, Mrs. Lee had to mediate between the bride and groom and the mother of the bride. After a long and serious talk between the mothers, Mrs. Whitfield became much more receptive to the wedding and was much less difficult for them to deal with. Rick and Mary were relieved, but neither mother would divulge what had happened to change her mind. Rick and Mary were at his house going over wedding plans, and Rick finally asked, "How many groomsmen can I have?" "Well, I hope this isn't too many, but I really want to have six bridesmaids. Will that be too many?" "Mary, this is our wedding. We can do it however we want to. If we want to, we can have forty two bridesmaids and sixty groomsmen, so no that isn't too many. That is really a good number I think. I know exactly who I want to pick." "Who is that?" "Well, I want your three brothers, and my three brothers. I want Mark to be my best man." "But you only have two brothers?" Mary said. Rick looked at her and said, "Brad." "Oh, yeah, I forgot about him." "I don't know how that is going to go over, Rick." "Why is that?" "Because well they are gay and my mom will freak out." Rick began to get an angry tone in his voice. "Mary, I believe that it isn't your mom who is bothered by this. I think it is you. I love my brother, and I love you, but I am not going to leave him or Brad out of the most important day of my life just because it might upset some prejudiced people around here. I am sure that the both of them have enough manners not to make out at the front of the church, and so it shouldn't be a problem." "That isn't what I mean." "This is who I want. Take it or leave it. If you want to trade people, your three brothers we can negotiate about. If I am in the wedding, Mark, John and Brad will be too." "What about what people say?" "Mary, we are getting married because you are pregnant. People can count. They aren't stupid, and they are already going to be talking whether they are in it or not. I don't really care if they talk or not." "I guess it is ok, but you are going to have to tell my mom." "I don't have a problem with that. I'm not afraid of her." And so it was set, Rick asked the groomsmen to be in the wedding and Mary asked her bridesmaids. Mrs. Whitfield was unhappy as Mary predicted, but Rick was firm and she eventually relented. After a very long delay, here is the next part of College with Mark. I really apologize for the delay, but I have had a lot going on in my life, and writing has just not been something I have had the time to do lately. I hope to do better in the future. Thanks again for reading and feel free to email me anytime with comments.