Date: Sun, 9 Dec 2012 00:01:21 +0000 From: Keith Subject: Coming out at Uni Part One Coming out at Uni - Part 1 Disclaimer: Each part of this story may contain vulgar language and descriptions of gay sexual activity. If such things are likely to upset now, or you are underage to read this material in your jurisdiction you should leave now. This is a work of fiction, and none of the characters are real people. * * * * * * * * * * * * "Hi Harry, how's it going?" said Jake. "OK, how're you?" I replied. "Yeah, I'm good," he said. He was wearing black skinny jeans with a red t-shirt and shook his head every few steps to get his blonde hair out of his eyes. We had known each other since our primary school days, and now here we were starting together at the same University. I fell into step a half pace behind him so I could look him over without him being aware. I had known I was gay since I was 14 but had never told anyone, not even my best friend Jake. This would have been especially awkward, since he was the prime object of my attentions. He must have wondered about my lack of love interests over the years, whereas he had dated a string of girls in the meantime. Whenever one of his girlfriends had a friend needing a date I tagged along, but obviously these liaisons never led anywhere. It wasn't that I was bad looking, but I always felt distinctly average alongside Jake. We were both about 6 feet tall, he was slim and toned, whereas I was a bit bigger built although not out of shape by any means. We had met up to go to a party at the house of one of our new friends at Uni, Tom. He had invited virtually everyone from the Chemical Engineering course he and I were on, and I had asked if Jake, who was studying History, could come along, and he had said yes. When we arrived, the party was already in full swing; there was alcohol everywhere and Jake and I both grabbed a bottle of lager and leaned back against the wall in the kitchen to take in what was going on. My attention was grabbed by a lad the same age as me, who was about 5'6" and slim, with bulges front and rear from his jeans suggesting he was deliberately highlighting his assets. However, being my usual cowardly self, I confined myself to occasional glances in his direction, and involved myself in conversation with Jake and a girl he had just introduced himself to, Emily. I had come to Uni with the intention of bringing the lies to an end and coming out of the closet, but Jake's presence seemed to be inhibiting me, he was a continuation of my old self and I couldn't do it. We had deliberately chosen a University that had both our favoured courses so that we could continue our friendship, but this was backfiring on me. With my daydreaming, I had already moved onto a second drink and then realised Jake had asked me a question. "Uh, I dunno, what did you say?" I stammered. "Come on Har, focus," he said. "I was saying that me and Em are going for a walk, and she wondered if you'd like to come along with her friend Jen?" "OK, why are we going for a walk, what's wrong with staying here?" I asked as I cast another furtive glance at the small lad I had noticed earlier. "We'll come back in a bit," he said, "but Em wants to get some fresh air and also we can talk in peace instead of shouting over the music. We thought we could go and sit in the park over the road." "OK, whatever," I replied, not exactly a model of enthusiasm. When we got across the road into the park, Jake and Emily quickly parked themselves on a bench and seemed more intent on physical rather than verbal exploration of each other. Jen and I wandered over to the kiddies' area and sat on the swings. We sat in awkward silence until Jen asked what I was thinking about. "Nothing," I said, "I don't know why those two dragged us out of the party." "Nor me," she replied, "do you wanna go back?" "Well, we're here now. Can I ask you something?" "Go on." "Um, would you, um, no I can't." "What is it?" "Do you have a boyfriend," I asked, coming out with the first thing could think of and then thinking that was a bit too direct to ask someone I had only just met. "No," she answered. "I've never really got into dating." "Oh," I responded, suddenly distracted by the cute guy from earlier having come out of the house. She followed my gaze and then looked back at me. "My turn to ask," she said. "I think you and me are similar. You're gay aren't you?" "I um, uh, what do you mean, similar?" I replied, evading the question which again I thought was a bit direct for someone who had only just met me. Perceptive though, she already suspected the truth after less than ten minutes, which Jake hadn't sussed out in a lifetime. "Well," she said, "I've never admitted it to anyone, but I'm gay. And I think you are too." "You're very forward aren't you? We've only just met and you've admitted you're gay and asked me if I am." "Well, new beginning and all that. You haven't answered the question." "There's no escaping you is there?" I glanced over at Jake and Emily but they were too engrossed in each other to be paying any attention to what we were doing. "Well, are you?" "OK, I've never told this to another living soul, but yes, I think I am. Please don't tell anyone else though." "I won't if you don't want me to, but why not? You've just told someone you're gay for the first time - it'll get easier each time now. What about your mate over there, doesn't he know?" "God, no, I'd die if Jake ever found out." "Why, is he homophobic?" "I don't think so, no, but it would be embarrassing. I've kind of fancied him for years, and if he found out I was gay I'm sure he'd put two and two together. What about you, are you coming out publicly or is this our secret?" "Well I'm not gonna broadcast it, but I'm not planning to hide it either." The guy I'd been looking at had gone back into the house by this time. "Do you wanna go get another drink," I asked. "Sure," she answered. "Come on, we'll leave these two to it. He's cute." "Who, Jake?" I asked. "Well, I suppose he is as well, but no. I meant the guy you couldn't take your eyes off." "Is that why you thought I was gay? I must be drunk already; I don't usually broadcast these things that openly." "So you do fancy him then. Come on." We crossed back to the party, and went back into the kitchen to get more drinks. "Do you want one of these?" came a voice from behind me. I turned round to see the cute guy from earlier holding out a glass with something clear in it. "Uh, what is it?" I asked. "Vodka," he replied. "I'm Josh by the way." "OK then. I'm Harry." I looked round but Jen seemed to have vanished. "There's nowhere to sit down here," Josh said, "but we could go upstairs. There's room up there to sit and chat." "Uh, OK" I said, following him, getting a good eyeful of his butt as he climbed the stairs ahead of me. He looked into a couple of rooms and said "Let's go in here." I followed him in, but there weren't any chairs, so we both sat on the bed. "Have another vodka," he insisted, filling my glass from a bottle he found on the side. I realised I was quickly getting drunk, but I thought what the hell, it's a party after all, and it's what students do. Suddenly Josh got hold of my face in his hands, and I found myself looking into his brown eyes. He leaned forward and kissed me. My eyes closed and I leaned into him, returning the kiss, but after a few seconds I pulled away. "I'm sorry Josh, I can't do this." He sat there on the bed looking dazed as I got up. "What's the matter Harry? Is there someone else?" "No," I replied, "I'm not out and I don't think I'm ready yet. I'm so sorry, I've gotta go." I could hear Josh calling my name as I ran out of the room and charged down the stairs. As I got to the bottom hallway, I could hear Jen calling as well, but I just needed to get out of there. I left the house and turned right towards the Hall of Residence I had moved into only the day before. I was on the 10th floor of the tower block in a single room; Jake was in the next room, also on his own. When I got back, I collapsed on my bed and started sobbing. About five minutes later, there was a knock on my door, and I heard a female voice "Are you OK, Harry?" Jen had obviously caught up with me, although how she knew where I was staying I couldn't fathom. "Go away, I don't wanna see anyone right now." Ignoring my request, I heard the door open and she came in. "Are you gonna tell me what's up?" she demanded. "What part of 'I don't wanna see anyone' did you not understand? Just leave me alone," I said, still with tears rolling down my face. "Look Harry, you're a really nice guy, and even though we've only just met, I'd like to think we can be friends," she said, passing me a small towel and sitting down on my bed next to me. "Sort yourself out, and then tell me what that scene was all about." I wiped my face, getting my emotions under control. "Look, you're the only person I've ever told that I'm gay, and I suppose that guy back at the party, but knowing I'm gay and acting on it are two different things. I've never done anything with a guy, and after tonight I know I'm not ready to yet." "OK," she said. "I'm not exactly the voice of experience either. I'm not generally out, although I have messed around with a few girls. Why don't you think you're ready? You seem pretty sure you're gay." "Oh, I'm sure," I replied. "I dunno why I couldn't respond to that guy earlier. I mean he was cute, but it all seemed so, I dunno, so sordid I suppose." "Why?" she questioned. "This is Uni. It's what students do, hook up at parties. No-one's saying it has to be a lifetime commitment the first time you get with someone." "I guess I don't see myself as a playing around kind of guy. I think you've already hit on my problem. I don't just wanna fuck someone at a party. I wanna go steady with a guy, have a boyfriend, someone I can love and not just someone I can fuck around with and have no feelings for." "You said back in the park you had a crush on Jake. What would you do if he came on to you?" "That's not gonna happen. He's totally straight." "Yeah, but say it did happen. Could you see yourself responding to him, kissing him, having sex with him?" "I dunno," I answered. I lapsed into silence, but my mind was working overtime, the effect of the earlier alcohol having worn off on the walk home after leaving the party. Truthfully, the answer was yes, I could easily get with Jake if he came on to me. So what was it that would allow me to sleep with Jake, but that stopped me fooling around with Josh? "I think what you're saying," she said, breaking the silence, "is that you need to get to know someone, to take it real slow, before you can let yourself become intimate with them. That's why you can accept doing something with your friend Jake, but you can't mess around with someone you've just met at a party." "I didn't say I'd do anything with Jake," I protested. "Oh come on," she laughed. "Who are you kidding? It was written all over your face. Look Harry, did you think that guy was hot?" "Yeah, he was hot", I said, "but..." "Then why don't you go for it?" she demanded. "Call him up and ask him out on a date. Get to know him. Something non-sexual to start, like, I dunno, like go for a pizza or something. See if you connect." "Damn, you're good," I said, "but we need to get you hooked up as well. And I didn't even get his number." "Leave that to me. Em knew loads of people at that party; she's bound to be able to get it from someone there. Now I need to get going, we're not supposed to be in boys rooms after 11, and I don't wanna get sent home just yet." She leaned in and kissed me on my cheek. "I'll see you in the dining room for breakfast tomorrow. Be there at 8." Saying that she gave a little wave and left, closing the door behind her. I lay back on the bed, contemplating what my new friend had said. She seemed to know me better than I knew myself, and we'd only met that evening. Now that's what I needed to find, only this time in a guy. * * * * * * * * * * * * Please email comments to me at fcbfankeith@virginmedia.com (no abuse please). This is my first attempt at writing a story; let me know if you like the opening and if you want me to continue.