Date: Sun, 27 Jan 2013 17:12:03 +0000 From: Keith Subject: Coming out at Uni - Part 5 Coming out at Uni - Part 5 Disclaimer: Each part of this story may contain vulgar language and descriptions of gay sexual activity. If such things are likely to upset you, or you are underage to read this material in your jurisdiction you should leave now. This is a work of fiction, and none of the characters are real people. * * * * * * * * * * * * As Jake slept, I sat there trying to evaluate what had happened. I had just kissed my straight best friend on the forehead, my drunk best friend, who I thought had passed out, but whose eyes flickered and mouth smiled in the aftermath of my mistake. What could I do when he woke up? My best hope, and quite a good bet given how much he had drunk, was that he wouldn't remember it happening. There was a fair chance that his last coherent memory would be some time at the disco, and I would be filling him in on how he got back to his room, not to mention his state of undress. I could then omit the small matter of my gesture of love towards my best friend, he would take some ibuprofen to ease his hangover, and we could return to normal. But what if he remembered the kiss? Maybe I could pretend I was drunk too, and had momentarily got him confused with a girl. That might ring true except for the fact that Jake knew I didn't have a girlfriend, might even set him thinking about how I'd never had a girlfriend. Why did he smile, I suddenly thought, diverting myself from the main question. Perhaps he thought it had been Em, but, as I'd addressed him as "mate", surely that wasn't right? Maybe he just liked the kiss? But it wasn't exactly erotic - it had only been a peck on the forehead. God, maybe he already knew I was gay, maybe he smiled because he wanted me to come out, because he saw it as a lever to get me to confess, he would be fine with it. Maybe he even knew about my crush on him for the last four years and was fine with it. My heart so wanted this to be true, but my head told me that this wasn't just wishful thinking, we had moved into the realms of fantasy, and if I believed that, then I was just one step from being taken away by the men in white coats. Where did this leave me and Josh? Not more than five minutes before I had forced myself on Jake, I had kissed Josh goodnight, and meant it. I really liked Josh, I had been hoping to continue my exploration of gay sex with him tonight, before Jake had gotten drunk and needed my care. I had been thinking about Josh becoming my boyfriend and had thought that this meant I was moving on from my crush on Jake, but undressing Jake, and seeing him lying there had stirred up all my old feelings. I wished there was something I could do to distract myself from these thoughts, but there wasn't anything. We hadn't even started our first term, so there was nothing to read, no notes to review, no coursework to think about. Just me and my guilt, and my worry that I had given away my secret and that it was all going pear-shaped. In my head, Jake's eyes opened and he smiled again. His hand appeared from under the blanket and grabbed my arm, pulling me onto the bed with him. My mouth met his, our tongues fighting for supremacy in each other's mouths, our bodies grinding together. He gently bit my ear, sucking it for a while, before nuzzling my neck on his tongue's route to my nipples, swirling around each one before nipping them with his teeth, and then continuing on, licking down past my bellybutton towards my now hard cock. He lapped at my balls and spread his saliva all over my engorged penis, now sucking at the end and gradually taking more and more into his mouth. His lips moved up and down my cock, each time taking a little more in, and eventually taking the head of my penis into his throat. His fingertips now traced the circles around my nipples that his tongue had done earlier, and I could feel my balls contracting and my body tensing, as the semen made its way into my cock and then I could feel myself about to erupt. I suddenly jumped off the chair. Oh fuck. I realised I had fallen asleep. Jake was still asleep on his side, hadn't stirred in fact, only the gentle rise and fall of the blanket giving any indication he was still alive. I was painfully erect, my tight jeans making it uncomfortable. I stood up and moved to the window, opening it slightly in the hope that some cold air might offer some relief. I leant on his window sill, staring at the road many storeys below, but not really seeing anything. This was getting worse. I knew I had a crush on Jake, but I'd never dreamt this vividly about him and me in a sexual context. The only silver lining here was that this was purely in my head and Jake couldn't possibly know about it, in reality I still only had to reconcile the peck on the forehead I had planted when I covered him over, and there was still a good chance he wouldn't remember it anyway. But the dream disturbed me; was my embryonic relationship with Josh doomed to fail if I was going to dream this erotically about Jake? Only this afternoon I had dreamed of Josh while napping on his bed, but nothing as sexually charged as the dream from which I had just woken. I switched on his reading lamp on the desk and turned off the main light, so that the room as a whole became darker, and more conducive to rest. A glance at his alarm clock showed that it was about 3:00 am, I must have dozed for quite a while. As my cock softened, I felt an urge to pee. A quick look at Jake suggested that he wasn't about to vomit, so I picked up his keys and quickly went to relieve myself. When I got back, I closed the door again and resumed my seated vigil, close to his head. He must have sensed the movement somehow, because this time his eyes did open blearily, but there was no smile. "My fucking head," he croaked. "Why are you sat there, Harry?" "Me and Josh had to carry you back, mate. You were out of it. I told him I couldn't leave you on your own in case you puked." "Oh. Can you get me some water, and some Nurofen from my drawer? If I move it's like there's someone hitting my head with a mallet." "Sure." I moved around his room quietly, getting the things he'd requested. "Did I undress myself?" I heard from behind me as I stood at his sink filling a pint glass with water. "You couldn't even move mate," I laughed trying to lighten the atmosphere. "I had to do it." I passed him the water and two Nurofen tablets. "Oh," he said again, putting the tablets in his mouth and washing them down with a large swig of water. "Finish drinking it," I advised, "it'll help rehydrate your body and the next time you wake up the headache will have eased." He did as I said, and lay back down. "You can go now Harry," he said quietly. "I'll be alright now, and you must be knackered. Thanks for staying with me." "What are friends for? Goodnight." I opened his door and then stepped back to turn off his lamp: the light from the corridor would be sufficient for me to make my escape. "Night mate." I had mixed feelings when I opened up my room next door and let myself in. Short term, it looked like I'd got away with the kiss; as I hoped he had no memory of even getting back to his room, let alone any of the subsequent events. This merely (merely!) left me the task of analysing my feelings to determine where this left me and Josh. As I undressed and cleaned my teeth, there was even a small part of me that was sorry Jake hadn't remembered the kiss; it would at least have forced the issue and might have been my route to coming out to Jake. I would have to have a talk with Jen about all this - she had been a good listener and friend so far since we met, and I trusted that would continue. As soon as I lay down, sleep took me. Jake, Josh and I were stood in a group by the canal, next to the bridge where Josh and I had kissed the previous afternoon. Jake and Josh were facing each other, Jake trying to accentuate the height difference between him and Josh, and Josh also trying to look bigger so as not to appear intimidated. "You don't stand a chance," Jake said to the smaller boy. "He's loved me for four years and you think you can take him from me just like that?" I was rooted to the spot, and mute. "You can't give him what he wants," replied Josh. "I can and I will." He pulled me between him and Jake, pressing his mouth to mine, his open eyes still watching Jake. His tongue forced my lips apart and started to probe inside, his hands wandering downwards, moving inside my jeans and resting on my ass. Suddenly, he released his hold on me, sweeping me aside to meet Jake as my friend moved forward. They both raised their arms, pushing at each other's chests to prevent themselves colliding in their anger. "Please, stop it!" I cried, "I love you both!" "You can't love us both," said Jake. "It's him or me." "Gonna be me, loser," answered Josh. "He can lie with me, kiss me and be kissed. Suck me and be sucked. Fuck me and be fucked. What can you offer? A fucking one-armed hug? Face it he's mine." "I'll show you the fucking loser," roared Jake. He lifted up his arms to break Josh's arms away and then pushed back in to Josh's chest. He heaved forward, but Josh had anticipated this move and had braced his small frame to defy Jake's efforts. I moved forward finally to break them apart, but got engulfed in the pushing and shoving, and suddenly I had been spun round and was heading backwards off the path and struck the water. I jumped again, awake now. Fuck, I thought, these dreams were just so disturbing. I got up and followed the advice I had given Jake next door, taking some ibuprofen and drinking water. I got back into bed and finally, mercifully, moved into a dreamless sleep. I woke late the next morning feeling not too bad. I hadn't actually drunk that much really, and the dancing would have burned a lot of it off before it had any effect. For some reason, the Hall didn't do any food on Saturdays, so I tipped some granola into a bowl and padded quickly to the kitchen to pour some milk on from the fridge and returned to my room to eat. I showered and got dressed, and decided I needed to find something to occupy myself, so gathered up my gear, selected some loud rock music on my iPod, and headed for the gym at the sports centre, deliberately choosing the road rather than the canal path. It was quite busy when I got there, obviously a lot of the students were taking the chance to work out before the pressure of studies (or the distraction of socialising) started to monopolise their time, but there were several trainers on duty in anticipation of this. I joined three other students in being given a tour of the gym by one of the female trainers; she showed us how to use the equipment safely, which I knew already, as I used the gym at home, although probably not as often as I should. She didn't take long, about 15 minutes, and then I moved into a routine. I didn't want to just run, as the monotony would allow me to get all introspective again, so I did a quick 10 minute warm up on the cross trainer before moving into a resistance and core workout, the variation and concentration on remembering the weights and setting up each machine to suit my size and limits preventing me from dwelling on searching for a meaning to my dreams and actions last night. I wasn't working out to build lots of muscle, just to tone up with low weights and high reps, which would hopefully boost my metabolism and help to burn calories faster. Once I had done all my sets on the equipment, and my core routine on the mats, I moved onto a bike to finish the session, setting it for 20 minutes to cover a randomly changing resistance to keep altering my effort to pedal at the same rate, but nothing too strenuous. Again, the regular change in intensity diverted my concentration away from my thoughts. When I finished I showered again, careful not to let my eyes wander - I neither wanted to lead anyone's thoughts to me checking out them or anyone else, nor did I need to complicate my own thoughts any further. As I left the sports centre, I got my mobile out and texted Jen, "u up? meet for lunch?" as I walked towards the heart of the campus. As it started to ring, I could see she was calling me, and I answered it. "I really need to talk to you. You up for lunch?" We met up in the refectory, and wanting to continue my healthy start to university life (the alcohol aside) I decided on some grilled chicken breasts with salad and a lime dressing, while Jen had a beef enchilada with guacamole. We found a table a little way away from anyone else and sat down with our food. "Go on then," she urged. I told her about everything that had happened after we parted at the disco last night. Undressing Jake and putting him to bed last night with the kiss. The thinking I had done while watching him. The dream after I nodded off in the chair. The fact that Jake didn't appear to remember any of it. The second dream after I got back to my room. "What does it all mean?" I asked her, thinking that ironically, in different circumstances it would be Jake, my best friend, that I would approach to make sense of all this. She had been listening carefully, but carried on eating her lunch in silence. Eventually, she put down her knife and fork together on the empty plate, and said, "to be honest, I haven't got a clue. You're seriously mixed up, hiding your true feelings from just about everyone except me, which is kind of flattering I suppose. I think you actually need to know how Jake feels about you being gay; until you have the answer to that one, you can't resolve anything else." "But you know I'm not ready to go through with that yet," I responded. "Can I love Josh, or am I just kidding myself?" "I think you've got feelings for him," she said after a moment's reflection. "But you're not sure what he sees in you, which is your inferiority complex again. You think of yourself as nerdy and unattractive, hence the visit to the gym and the healthy lunch," she said, nodding towards my plate, "which you're not, hence in your dream Josh only defended his relationship with you in physical terms, and not emotional ones. Once you see that he's really fond of you already, and wants to be with you for you and not just to get off, then maybe you can make a go of it with him without feeling guilty about dumping Jake, which is absurd really as you're not in a relationship with him and never have been." "Wow, you sure you're an engineer? You should be a psychologist." "I dunno about that," she replied, "I'm just saying what I think based on my long experience of girlie magazines. I might be barking up the wrong tree entirely. The other option is that you believe that on some level Jake already knows your feelings for him and is ready to reciprocate." "No, I don't think so. Jake's as straight as they come. I wish I knew what he thought about homosexuality in general, then I could judge whether I can come out to him or not." "How has it never come up in all the years you've known him?" "Cos we live in a town where the subject just doesn't arise. I don't know anyone in our hometown who's gay, so there's no-one to talk to Jake about. Like I said to Josh the other day, I don't even know how my parents feel about it. They go to church every week, but on the whole they're quite liberal Christians the way they live and all. I don't have any idea how they'd react to their only kid being gay. I know my mum sees a future involving grandkids, so she's not gonna be over the moon I'm sure." "There's ways round that..." "Hey, we're getting a bit ahead here. I've never even had a steady boyfriend and now we're discussing my children?" "That was all you, you brought it up," she laughed. "Anyway, reality check. Your parents are a medium to long term issue. Right now, you need to sort out where you stand with Jake and Josh. And then when we're done with your soap opera, you can help me find a nice young lady to fall in love with!" Just then my phone buzzed. I had a message from Josh. "assume ur up. went to ur room but no answer. want 2 c u. x" "Make that your first step then," Jen offered, having read the message at the same time as me. "We'll head back and you can go and see what he wants." "Might as well I suppose," I replied. "It's as good a plan as any other." "Be with u in 20.x" I texted to Josh. "Come on then," I said to Jen and pulled her into a hug. "Put me down," she chuckled. "What's that all about?" "For being such a good friend even though we only met a few days ago. I don't know how I'd be coping without you." "You'd sort it out," she said. "You're stronger than you think; you just need to believe in yourself and worry less." "Yeah, easier said than done though. I wonder what Josh wants." * * * * * * * * * * * * I love receiving emails from those of you who are enjoying the story and try to answer each one. Please email comments and/or suggestions to me at fcbfankeith@virginmedia.com . Use the same address if you wish to go on my mailing list to be notified when each chapter is submitted. Don't forget that the many wonderful stories on the site are brought to you courtesy of Nifty, and a donation to express your gratitude wouldn't go amiss and would help continue the service. You can donate at http://donate.nifty.org/donate.html .