Date: Mon, 24 Jul 2017 13:45:11 -0400
From: smithersleo@aol.co.uk
Subject: Coming out at university- submission 2

Coming out at university- submission 2

Thank you to everyone who sent feedback so soon after this story was
posted. I really do appreciate you taking time out to give me feedback. If
anyone has any suggestions, please put them forward to me. I'm just writing
this as I go along so if you have an idea and it fits the storyline, I'll
put it in, especially if it's a better storyline than I'd thought of. I'm
all ears!

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I woke up the next morning with a slight headache. I don't tend to get
hangovers too often, and if I do they aren't usually that bad. I think I
owe that one to my dad, in 18 years I'd never seen him hungover, despite
drinking a fair amount. I'd like to think that if I gained anything from
him, it would be his iron stomach, I certainly wouldn't like to adopt any
of his other traits. My mother, on the other hand, experiences them
regularly. I said I'd have time to talk about her more, so here's a little
something- she's an alcoholic, at least I think she is. She'd vehemently
deny it if she was ever accused, but it's fair to say drinking a bottle or
two of wine alone every night constitutes a problem, especially given her
slight physique. See, there are two sides to my mum, one of them is the
sweet, caring mother that I grew up with, usually makes an appearance from
late morning until about 5 o'clock. After that, the repetitive,
self-pitying bore appears until she either tires herself out or causes an
argument with each individual member of the house. I'd love to have the
former all of the time. But the other side of her was another reason why I
couldn't wait to start university, to get away from it all.

I looked around the room to see, quite frankly, a mess. Blankets were
spread across the couch and onto the floor, pizza boxes were left open and
Jane and I had got through another crate of beer during the two movies we
watched. I looked at my phone and saw it was almost 11:00, meaning our new
flatmates would be moving in in less than an hour. I gently shook Jane to
wake her, but it seemed she was already awake and scrolling through her own
phone. She turned around and smiled at me, then showed me the picture on
her phone that we took the night before.

"Hey this is one to remember." She said.

I smiled and asked her to send me it.

"The day I came out?" I asked.

"You bet. I'm glad I don't have one from the day I came out though."

"How come?"

"Ahh long story. Let's just say I wasn't exactly photogenic that day."

I looked at her with an interested expression, inviting her to say more.

She sighed, but continued, "I suppose since you told me one of your secrets
I can tell you mine..."

"Only if you want to." I stepped in, sensing this wasn't going to be a
positive story.

"It's fine now, just not great memories.." she began.

"My dad, he wasn't exactly happy about my 'choice' to be gay."

"He used that word?"

"I think his words were 'disgusting choice' actually, but I could probably
live with just the words.."

I could tell this wasn't easy to say, like when I tried to come out to her
last night, she was stalling, thinking about whether to actually tell me.

"Look, you don't have to tell me."

"No. I know. I want to... he was an abusive person. My mum, my older
brother and.. me, but not all of the time, only sometimes. It isn't really
that bad." She trailed off, seemingly trying to make it seem less serious
than it actually was. Excusing him in some way.

"He hit you when he found out you were gay?"

She just nodded her head.

I didn't want her to go into details for her own sake, so asked, "How did
he find out?"

"I told him. I said I was sick of lying, that it was who I was and that he
couldn't do anything because I was 18 and leaving home."

"You told him recently then...?"

"About a month ago.. I've been out to my friends a while before that
though."

"Fuck, and you think I was brave..."

She gave a weak smile, but quickly stood up and began tidying things
away. Maybe she didn't want to talk anymore about it, or maybe she just
realised that it would look pretty bad if our new house mates were to turn
up to an unclean flat and two lazy, hungover people lying around. I stood
up and helped her, making sure everything was ready for later. I suggested
we go back to our rooms and finish off unpacking, as well as have a shower
to seem more presentable to our new friends.

In my room, I began to think again about the night before. My initial
thought was fear, because I'd actually came out. That was something I'd
thought about for years, who would be the first to know, who else would I
tell? It's a pretty big deal when it happens, as I'm sure most of you
know. You'd think it gets easier with time, as in, because I live in a
generation where political correctness has taken over and homophobia is
rarely seen out in the open, it would be easier to come out. But it's
not. Granted, for those of you old enough to experience such blatant
homophobia, it would have been horrible. But the feeling still remains. The
feeling of being judged, at least by someone, even if we tell ourselves we
don't care about what that person thinks. If we tell our parents, they may
embrace us with open arms and tell us they love us for who we are, but you
know in your heart that there is an ounce of disappointment. Your dad's
homophobic mates will say things to him, your mum knows her chances of
being a grandmother has diminished. All of your straight friends will look
back and think of every moment they spent with you and, whether you fancied
them...

It was nearing 12:00 so I knocked on Jane's door and suggested we head into
the kitchen to give a friendly face to the new arrivals.

I decided to make a big pot of tea that I could offer to people, (yes the
stereotype of British people is somewhat true, we do enjoy a nice cup of
tea). Jane and I chatted for a while before the sound of the heavy fire
door suggested someone was here. Moments later a black guy with a low skin
fade haircut entered the room with his mum, a big white smile gleaming from
his mouth.

"What's happening guys, I'm Tino." He said, offering his hand to me and
then to Jane.

We exchanged names and the usual questions that are asked when you meet
people at university. I can't help but wish there was a more original way
of getting to know someone, other than asking then where they're from, what
they're studying and what grades they received. Anyway, I offered to help
Tino with his bags as Jane

asked his mum if she wanted to sit down and have a cup of tea. We made two
trips from his mums car back up to the flat, talking generally along the
way. He seemed really upbeat and happy, telling me a story about his friend
who was off to a different university the same day. Apparently his mum
drove the car over his foot as she was leaving, leaving him with a broken
metatarsal on the doorstep of his new flat. She had no idea and so drove
away, meaning he had to get treatment before even meeting his new friends.

"Kind of like this?" I laughed, holding up my bandaged up hand from the
night before.

He asked what happened but I simply said it was an accident and just a
cut. We made our way back to the flat and by the time we were back in the
kitchen, two more fresh faces greeted us, this time two girls called Olivia
and Emily. They seemed nice, but I quickly caught on that they came here
together, probably knew each other from school and seemed to want to do
everything together. They were both equally as lively, giggling and
talking, a bit too much for Jane's liking it seemed, still recovering from
her own hangover.

She looked at me and said, "apparently there are two more to come, we've
got a smaller flat than most."

That was good, I was wary about having to share a kitchen with so many
other people, but as it seemed, there would be plenty of space for everyone
and they all seemed nice so far. A few minutes later, another guy came in
with an air of confidence. He went straight over to the girls and
introduced himself, then over to myself and Tino to shake our hands. He was
a handsome guy, quite large, bushy eyebrows and a well defined jawline.

"Jay" he said, with a firm handshake as he greeted me. He seemed to come a
little too close for my liking, almost as if he was trying to intimidate
me.

"Tristan." I replied, matching his eye contact but still feeling a little
uncomfortable. I'd met guys like this before, they test you out. See if
they can take advantage of any weakness they see. If it's at a bar, they'll
try to drink you under the table, and stand a little too close in the
urinals when you go to the toilet.  They'll make little comments, aimed to
piss you off in the hope you'll bite, or if you stand up to them and show
them you don't take shit, they'll respect you and leave you be. Jay seemed
like one of these guys, so I was taking no chances. Our handshake was a
little too firm, again like a test of strength. Kind of like Donald Trump's
awkward handshakes where he tries to belittle the other guy.

The greetings ended and, out of courtesy myself and Tino went to help him
with his bags. I noticed he didn't come with anyone else like we'd all
done, but he said he'd driven here alone. He didn't speak much to Tino, he
didn't seem interested in him. All of his questions were aimed at me. I
also noticed that he didn't have as much stuff as the rest of us, just a
few cases, which isn't a lot considering we'd be living here all year.

When we got back to the flat, Tino's mum was ready to leave, she said he
goodbyes and thanked us for the tea. When she hugged Tino, I caught a
glimpse of Jane's face, looking somewhat sad. I went and sat next to her
and subtly put my hand on her leg. She smiled again, although it seemed a
little forced. She didn't say much about her own mum, but I could tell she
was envious in some way of Tino.

We were now all sat at the table, finishing off what was left of the
tea. We were still awaiting the one last person who'd be living with us,
but to prevent an awkward silence, the two girls suggested we go have lunch
together, and meet the other person later when they turned up. All of us,
except for Jay agreed. He said he would stay in the flat and wait for the
new person, which I was a little wary about. I didn't exactly think he was
the most welcoming face for any nervous newcomer, but rather than have him
breathing down my neck I was quite pleased he wasn't coming.

We made our way down the stairwell, the two girls in front giggling away
and myself, Tino and Jane following suit. We reached the exit door of the
accommodation block, and when we came outside, a group of guys from the
party were stood having a cigarette against the wall, including Luke. I
stood almost in shock as I saw him, until he turned and caught my eye. He
hesitantly stood up from the wall and took a step forward. I told Jane to
go on ahead and to meet me at the cafe we were going to.

"Is that..?" She said, almost in a whisper.

"Yes, now go... I'll catch you in a minute."

She walked on but turned her head and smirked. I looked again at Luke and
with a guilty expression I walked toward him. He told his friends he'd meet
them back inside as he began walking towards me too. I started walking away
from the group, as he did the same.

"Look, I..." I began, the moment I was within reach of him.

"Just.. we'll find somewhere to sit. Hang on"

I was so nervous, I didn't know what to do with my hands, where to look,
and now I had to think about what I was going to say to him. I didn't have
an explanation lined up, this is the sort of thing that you need to
practice... We found a bench around the corner from the exit door of the
accommodation block, and I sat down hesitantly before facing him. It was
exactly like last night, the feelings were coming back. Sat there, facing
him with those pure blue eyes and skin which glowed even in the dim light
of an overcast day. I just wanted to do it again. I wanted to kiss him.

"Before you say anything, you don't have to explain... I just need to know
if you're interested." He said quickly, before looking down at his hands,
breaking the eye contact.

I didn't expect that. He seemed as nervous as I was, holding his own hands
to comfort himself, too scared to look me in the eye like he'd so easily
done last night.

"What happened last night was..." I began, before he interrupted,

"I get it, you don't have to..."

"That was my first time... with a guy."

He looked up this time, almost in disbelief. His face looked so innocent,
his button nose and wide eyes... I've said it before but fuck me he was
beautiful.

"So you didn't want to..."

"No.. not at all... I... I'm not out, yet."

"Shit." Was all he said, looking at me with a kind of curiosity.

"Last night.. it just happened really quickly and, I don't know I just.. I
didn't think anything like that would happen. I wasn't ready."

"That's why you ran off?" He asked.

"Pretty much.."

He smiled, showing his dimples, something which I'd always been
complimented on myself.

"But yes.. I'm interested." I said, almost forcing the words out of my
mouth. I could feel a hint of reluctance about what I was doing. It seemed
almost instinctual to deny I was gay, since I'd spent years doing exactly
that. Now the opportunity came to actually tell a guy I liked him, it was
hard, especially to a guy so perfect as Luke. It surprised me how he even
asked the question, that he doubted that I would be interested. I mean,
look at him!

I realised I needed to gather my thoughts before really getting to know
him. I was insanely tense just from seeing him again, and to tell him even
this much wasn't easy.

"Can we meet up sometime, actually talk to each other? I said, again in a
rushed tone, reflecting my nerves.

He smirked and came closer to me, and said, "only if you promise not to run
away this time."

We both laughed, making the situation a little less tense than it was. I
gave him my number and told him to let me know when he was free. We both
stood up and didn't quite know what to do. He sensed my awkwardness and
said,

"I really want to kiss you again, right now. In front of everyone. But... I
know that's a lot for you to take in so soon."

I smiled at him. He understood me already. I needed to ease into this, and
I wasn't ready to come out to everyone yet. I took a small step past him,
lightly brushing my hand against his and turning my head back at him.

"I'll see you around." I said, walking away, turning my head away from him
in relief.

I found the cafe that Jane, Tino and the girls were at, and walked in with
a massive smile plastered across my face. I couldn't stop smiling for some
reason, and Jane was the only one who knew why.

"What's happening big man?" Tino asked, in his usual upbeat tone.

"Just some good news" I said, giving Jane a knowing look.

"Come on, spill?" Olivia said, leaning forward, with Emily copying her
exact movement.

This was the next obstacle. Do I tell them too? They all seem
understanding, and I would be living with them for a year, if not longer if
I chose to live with them in my second year of university. I could tell
Tino and I would be seeing a lot of each other, and I liked him
already. Surely he should know at least. But then, thinking back to Jay, if
he found out I was gay I don't know how he would react. He doesn't seem
like the type to accept people for who they are.

I decided to compromise, I'd tell them I'd met a guy when I needed to, but
I wouldn't lie to them.

"I've met someone, last night. Just gave them my number."

They almost cheered me, asking if anything had happened last night and if
I'd gotten lucky already. I tried to brush off the questions as much as I
could before we were saved by a waiter coming to ask what we'd like to
drink. We ordered some food and coffee, enjoying a nice meal together. I
liked this group, the girls seemed nice and innocent, quite funny together
as a pair. Tino just seemed happy all of the time and of course, I don't
know where I would be without having Jane here with me in the short time
I'd been here.

"So what do you guys think of Jay?" I asked, genuinely interested in their
impressions.

"He seems cute, it was nice of him to stay and wait for the last person."
Emily said, with Olivia agreeing.

"I don't know man, he didn't say much to me, but he didn't seem fully
there..." Tino said.

Jane began, "your mum didn't like the look of him Tino, said he gave her a
funny look."

"What do you mean?" Tino asked.

"Like a dirty look, I don't know, maybe he's a racist..?" She suggested.

"Ahh fuck man. I thought I'd got away from that immature shit. We're at
Cambridge for fuck sake, ain't we supposed to be clever here?"

We all laughed a little, before Jane said, "what makes you ask anyway?"

I traced my finger around the edge of my coffee cup, before saying,
"There's something about him, he seemed to be testing me.."

"Testing you?" Olivia asked.

"You know like sizing me up, looking at the competition or whatever."

"Well he's losing already ain't he?" Tino laughed, referring to the
'person' I'd already met.

I laughed with him, but added, "just, watch out for him, all of
you. There's something weird about him."

We went back to talking generally, about our home towns and picking up on
slight differences in our accents. Tino had a slight cockney accent,
obviously from somewhere in London. The girls were both from Manchester,
which gave us a few points for discussion about how to pronounce the word
'bath' and what a bread bun should be called. When we were finished eating,
we headed back to the flat. We knew there was an introductory lecture which
was compulsory for all students in an hours time.

On the walk back, my phone vibrated. It was a message from Luke.

 It read <<Hi Tris, it's Luke. I'm free tonight if you fancy doing
something? Let me know>>

I decided to ask everyone if they wanted to go for a drink later on at a
local bar, just to get to know each other a little more. When they agreed,
I asked if I could bring the person I met. They were fine with
this. Actually, they seemed pretty excited to meet him, although none of
them except Jane knew that it was a him.

I replied to Luke's message saying <<People in my flat are going out
tonight if you want to come with?>>

His response was quick, less than a minute passed and he replied, <<I'll be
there, as your date, or as a friend?>>

This was a tough one. I realised as I read this message that Jay was likely
to be there with us, and I wasn't sure if I wanted him to know I was gay,
at least not until I figured out how he'd react.

<<for now, just as a friend. Got a housemate that I think might be
homophobic.>>

<Sure thing. See you tonight x >>

I figured it would be a good idea to tell the girls and Tino about Luke
before tonight. I didn't want them to blurt out if this was my date in
front of Jay, not yet anyway.

We all went our separate ways when we got back to the flat, with the new
arrivals going off to unpack the rest of their things as myself and Jane
sat in the kitchen.

"You know you're going to have to tell them you're gay today, since you've
already invited this guy out with us..?" She smirked.

"Yeah I know, but I'm not going to tell Jay yet so keep it quiet from him
for now. If he asks, my 'date' is just a friend." I winked.

"What's he called by the way? He's so cute."

"Luke.. and I know. I hope I don't fuck this up."

"Don't worry, the way he looked at you when he first saw you this
morning... he likes you a lot."

"I hope so.." I said, before smiling to myself like a loved up schoolgirl.

Suddenly, Jay entered the room. Looked around and asked,

"Where is everyone?"

"Just unpacking." I replied. "Any sign of the new guy?"

He paused for a moment and looked at me. Again with that expression of
judgement, trying to figure out what I was thinking.

"Nope." He said, before walking out of the room slowly.

Jane whispered, "you're right, definitely something strange about him."

I nodded, then stood up and said I was going to tell Tino about Luke. She
wished me luck, and assured me things would go well.

I knocked on Tino's door and entered. He smiled when I saw him, although I
think that was a permanent feature of his face.

"What can I do for you T?" He asked, while folding clothes and putting them
away in his draws.

"I need to talk to you about something." I said, before asking, "Can I sit
down?"

"Sure man, this important?" He asked, a curiosity emerging from his usual
tone.

"It's about the person I met, I didn't tell you this before but, it's a
guy.." I said, with confidence this time. I noticed straight away, how easy
it was to say it. With Jane, it was almost agony to utter the words out, to
Luke, even to admit that I came out.. to a gay guy.. was harder than this.

"You're into guys?" He asked, raising his eyebrows.

"Yeah... but, thing is.. I'm not out. At least, I wasn't until last night."

He looked down at my hand, "the accident?" He asked.

"Yeah... it was a big deal for me."

He stopped folding clothes for a moment and sat on his chair opposite where
I was sat on his bed.

 "I've got a friend who came out when he was young... told me and this
other guy at the same time. The other guy couldn't handle it, started
calling him names and saying how he didn't want anything to do with him. My
friend didn't come out of his room for nearly a week, locked himself right
in there. Wouldn't even speak to his mum..."

Again he paused, but looked up at me and continued. "You came out last
night, and yet here you are, telling me already. Fuck, you've already met
someone. You're moving fast, you should be proud of that."

For the first time. Tino wasn't joking. He was speaking honestly and each
of his words felt soothing and quite frankly, I didn't expect it. I didn't
know how this conversation would go. It was a kind of 'fuck it' moment. But
it was easy... Telling Jane was like getting stabbed. Talking to Luke was
like ripping off the plaster on the wound. Talking to Tino was nice.

"Thanks Tino... You've got no idea how good that feels to hear."

"Don't sweat it T. You telling everyone or?"

"That's what I'm thinking, in time. Although I'm unsure about Jay."

"Good point. I have to say I'm a little uncomfortable around him after what
Jane said about him eyeballing my mum."

"We'll just have to be careful. The guy I met.. if Jay asks tonight, he's
just a friend."

"Sure thing."

I stood up to leave, before thanking Tino again for what he said.

"Don't worry about it, one more thing though..."

"Yeah?"

"The girls will be pretty pissed that you're gay. They were talking about
you before in the hallway."

I smiled, then left. Last night I was taken over by waves of anger and
emotion. Today, it was the opposite. I felt genuinely happy, the way I
broke the truth to Tino filled me with hope. The girls would be fine with
it, most girls are. They like a gay best friend. The annoying thing though,
is that I wouldn't be the typical gay best friend. I'm not feminine at all,
I'm just a regular guy. I don't know anything about hair or makeup, I don't
particularly like to gossip, I guess I'm socially straight.

Again I knocked on Olivia's door, although Emily answered it and invited me
inside. They were both pretty busy, one of them getting ready and the other
still putting clothes away. I asked if I could speak to them for just a
minute, to which they both agreed and sat on the bed in front of me as I
took the chair this time.

"I'll say this quickly since you're both in a hurry, but I've got something
to tell you both."

"Oooooh what is it?" They said in unison, followed by a laugh since they
copied each other.

"The thing is, the person I met, the person coming out with us tonight,
it's a guy. I'm gay. "

Those two words. I still hadn't gotten used to saying them.

They both looked shocked, but Olivia quickly said, "really? I wouldn't have
guessed that one."

"Hmmm yeah I thought Tino would be the gay one." Emily followed, to which
Olivia agreed.

The conversation felt so casual, it clearly wasn't a big deal to them. This
was getting easier each time, their only reaction was surprise. I only wish
Jay would have the same reaction when he finds out, because let's face it,
he will find out at some point.

They began asking questions about my former relationships and some rather
personal questions about what experienced I'd had. The real shock came when
I told them how recently I'd came out. I didn't quite get the same speech
as I did from Tino but there were comments like "that's amazing" and "well
done" which seemed a little condescending but still nice, nevertheless.

I let them carry on what they were doing before asking them to remain quiet
about Luke in front of Jay. They agreed it was a good idea to keep it from
him for now, so I left and found Jane to tell her how well everyone took
it.

"I told you things would go well." She said, before hugging me. "I can't
tell you how happy I am for you. I can't wait to meet Luke properly
tonight."

"Yeah me too, I need to calm down when I'm with him, I get carried away
with how beautiful he is." I said, again talking like a loved up teenager.

We all met again an hour later to head over to the university for the
introductory lecture. Jay was with us this time, so we filled him in on our
plans for the night, to which he unfortunately agreed to. He didn't say
much, he just walked ahead of us like some sort of ring leader. To his
credit he found the lecture hall quicker than I could have done, so we took
our seats and sat through two hours of boring formalities. I found myself
looking around the hall for Luke, desperately wanting to catch another
glimpse of those eyes, despite knowing I'd be seeing him the same night. I
didn't see him at all, but there were a few of the same lecture in
different halls to accommodate the vast number of new students. He must
have been in another hall.

We left the hall and headed straight back to our flat, again with Jay
leading the way. He didn't seem interested in making friends, not even
making eye contact on the way back.

I received another text on the way out, again from Luke

<<I'll meet you at the Square at 7>> the square referring to a local pub
just outside of the university campus. I was becoming increasingly
nervous. How was I supposed to act tonight? If I'm staring into Luke's
dreamy eyes and Jay sees, he'll know something's up. I couldn't even speak
to Jay long enough to find out what he was about. Why had I agreed to do
this in front of him?

END OF CHAPTER 2