Date: Sun, 28 May 2006 13:29:51 -0700 (PDT) From: John Gerald Subject: connections 4 During break, Mike decided to go back to school a day early in order to set up the wood shop for the Architecture school. He thought that he'd maybe start in on increasing his hours since Julie had vetoed dancing after the incident at the Convention Center. Brad was a little surprised on how insistent Julie was about him properly recovering, but Mike was OK with it so it didn't seem like a big deal. But having no dance gigs blew a big hole in his school budget that wasn't going away on its own. The shop was a great place to do make up the difference, as he was making decent money and learning about different tools and techniques as a bonus. On invitation from Mike, Brad stopped by after the first day of classes to take a look at it.. The two of them had hung out a couple of times since their museum visit, including going downtown, along with Hana, for the New Year's fireworks. They even got together for a pro basketball game with Julie and Roger, plus a couple of Mike's high school friends and they all had a great time. In fact, Julie noticed Mike and Brad's chemistry right away, and made a mental note that at the first opportunity she would grill Mike on what was going on. Mike met him at the door and gave him his safety goggles, which all visitors were required to wear even if they weren't working on the machines. He just had a couple things to finish before he could give Brad a quick tour, so asked him to just wait for a couple minutes. As he chiseled out the broken dowel from a chair leg while wearing a tool belt and flannel shirt, Brad looked at him keenly, trying not to stare. He thought that Mike looked really butch and chuckled to himself. "Hey Brad, be real careful, OK? Probably best to not go near any of the machines, they can be pretty nasty. If there's one that looks interesting to you, just ask me and I'll show you how it works. But if you just think it's a lot of noise, I'll be closing down in a couple minutes and we can get out of here," He laughed to break down any pretentiousness from the safety warning. "This guy over here just wants to make one cut for his desk but he needs some help. You might want to take a look because it's kind of interesting." Brad watched him walk the fellow student through the methods of running a piece of plywood through the table saw, how to adjust the blade height, set the fence and hold the wood, He was knowledgeable, calm, and encouraging, but without being overbearing or patronizing in the least. He thought that Mike would make a great Dad. As the next weeks rolled by, Mike and Brad were spending increasing amounts of time with each other. If their schedules allowed it, they usually met for lunch at one of the cafeterias and sometimes had dinner and then studied at Brad's place. He enjoyed cooking, and if truth be told, enjoyed taking care of Mike even more. Mike would help where he could, but, not feeling a particular talent for the kitchen, was glad to accede the chef role to Brad. At the same time Brad had gotten back to his normal schedule, and then some, since the cast had come off. Part of his routine was to work out a couple of times a week, plus play intramural basketball on Tuesday nights at Memorial Gymnasium. Over the last few weeks, he had also added racquetball once a week or so with Mike, the secondary benefit being seeing more of Mike's body. Brad practically shot a load in his jockstrap the first time he saw Mike's legs. Of course, he was afraid of that even since he learned that Mike played soccer. Julie used to say "Legs to pull plow," in a faux peasant accent, when she saw him in shorts. His thighs were lean and slim but all muscle. Watching those hairy muscles stretch and strain during a match drove Brad crazy. And he hadn't even seen his chest yet. But there was a lot more driving his thoughts than simple lust. Tipping the window blinds to the side, Brad watched him walk to his car after an evening of dinner and studying. He watched every movement as he strolled across the lawn, backpack slung over his shoulder, only barely visible under the dim streetlights. As he reflected back, it had been a fantastic evening of just normal life. They did nothing but the most banal stuff that night, yet it was so great. He really felt at peace, just being alone with Mike. He'd made sausage, which he was beginning to discover was Mike's favorite food, along with sauerkraut, which he also liked. Brad thought that this menu was just OK, but seeing how Mike enjoyed it made him enjoy it more himself. Mike didn't allow him to do all the work, though. He never did. He wasn't one of those guys who expected to be taken care of, or take advantage of the favors of someone else. He stepped up and did his share, including picking up the ingredients for dinner and leading the cleanup afterwards. Brad thought it sounded kind of corny, but the best time was when they cleaned up together, side by side, and just chatted about their day. One statement from Mike had started to get him a little concerned, though. "Hey Brad, the next couple few weeks I'm going to be really swamped and may have to do some all-nighters, so might not be able to come over like this." Brad was crestfallen for moment. Knowing that he was getting a little insecure about where his relationship with Mike was, he instantly thought that maybe Mike was getting bored with him, or was onto him or there was some other problem. "Um, OK. Uh sorry, you have to do all that. You sure the bad food isn't driving you away?" Brad forced a laugh. Unknown to Brad, Mike sensed his anxiety and quickly allayed it. "Oh no, it's not 3 star food...." "4 star" Brad countered. "Of, course, 2 star," Mike continued blandly, but smiling. Brad didn't realize that Mike himself was nervous about the next question. "I was, uh, hoping that if you could stop by the studio we could just get something quick nearby and then I could go back work. I know it might not be real convenient, but if you could... Brad interrupted, not able to hold back his enthusiasm. "Of course, guy. That's great, I mean no problem. Let's do it!" He was so relieved that he rambled a bit, but regained his composure as they worked out their schedules together to make it happen. It surprised him how much this affected him, that momentary thought that Mike might not be around. It was a completely innocuous comment from Mike. His suspicions were completely groundless, but it made him realize how much he was becoming used to Mike in his life. And it got him thinking. Really thinking. He always thought that Mike was cute, and respected him hugely after that first evening, when he saw how he stood up for Julie. And as he got to know him better he there was more to like. He was smart and clever, but still a warm and caring person. He even had a funny side that was staring to emerge. Brad finally faced another fact, too. He was falling in love with him. He almost regretted letting it get this far. If Mike rejected him he would be devastated. He had carefully protected himself against this, against letting someone get inside him. Hiding it from most people, who just saw the outgoing guy and the playful bravado, he was a sensitive guy to the extreme. His family difficulties had a lot to do with this, and unknown to Mike, things were tough with Brad's family even before the gay issue came up. He thought he was impregnable, the way that he'd built up such carefully constructed walls. Only a couple of long-time, trustworthy friends had even a hint of what he had been through. No one else was allowed in. But if he was truly honest with himself, he would have realized that Mike had knocked down his walls the instant he saw him. But how did Mike feel? Brad had no doubt that Mike considered him a close friend, but was there more? He didn't even know if Mike was gay, though he never mentioned any women. But there were a lot of things that Mike didn't talk about, so what did that mean? When they talked about high school, there seemed to be a blank in Mike's Senior year -- what was that about? And he never asked Brad about his gay life. Maybe it made him uncomfortable, or didn't think it was relevant, because he was straight. Or maybe he just wasn't interested. It was the speculation and mental gymnastics that gays go through over and over with guys of unknown orientation. Besides the ambiguity inherent in any relationship with the hope of romance on one side, the sorting out of fact from fantasy is even more convoluted and tortuous. He didn't know how he was supposed to figure this out, but he had to start somewhere. As the days went on, he found himself thinking more and more about Mike. He fantasized what kind of life they'd have, where they'd live, what they would do. Sometimes he felt that these imaginings were taking over his real life. These thoughts were going to get him in real trouble if he didn't settle his questions soon. If nothing else he was having trouble keeping a focus on his school work, and a good law school would be out of the question if his grades faltered. He decided that the first thing he had to try to do is figure out if Mike was even gay. The plan he hatched for this embarrassed him to the extreme, but he knew he had to start somewhere, sometime, or this not-knowing would drive him crazy. The coming weekend they were going bowling with a couple of Mike's friends, including Julie and Roger, and a couple of Brad's pals also. He called the plan "Operation Smoke-him-out" *** He showed up at the lanes wearing his big down winter jacket, but didn't plan to take it off until he met up with Mike, who had come separately. He finally tracked Mike down, standing near the counter where he had just rented some shoes. After greeting Mike, Brad slowly began to unzip his jacket, making sure that he was standing right in front of him. As it came off he revealed his tight, muscular torso in the very skimpiest sleeveless t-shirt he could find, a shirt which showed practically every muscle on his chest. You could almost see the entire 6-pack. But the real treat were the nicely framed biceps. The shirt, thin and almost transparent from age and innumerable washings, showed them off to perfect advantage. He didn't look directly at Mike as he removed the jacket, but at his reflection in the glass of a nearby trophy display case. Pretending to be flattening his own hair but really giving a nice flex for Mike, he reached behind his head with his arm out parallel to his chest. If someone had told Brad a month ago that he would get desperate enough about another guy to do this mock striptease he would have told them they were crazy. Though it was in fact a desperate gambit, and totally out of character for Brad, it worked. He saw the reflection of Mike's jaw was hanging open, not a sound coming out. Brad started to make some small talk, but all he heard in response was "uh huh" to anything he said. Glancing down he saw a lump quickly form in Mikes pants. The reaction was all that he was hoping for, but he kept his eye on Mike all evening to make sure that the "reaction" came from him. Keeping his eye on Mike wasn't hard. He always tried to be as attentive to him as possible, and even though he was in full hunt mode, it made no difference as to how he actually treated Mike. Whatever happened, he wanted to make sure that Mike had a good time. Mike was a pretty good bowler, in fact a little better than Brad, and as the evening went on he was in second place amongst their group, behind Roger. Brad was getting ready for his turn in the 10th frame and was within striking distance of Mike's score. With the ball curled up in his hand, bicep flexed tight, he heard Mike approach behind him. "Hey Brad, can you check something here on the score sheet, I might have made a mistake." "Sure, just let me get this one off and I'll be right there." "Oh no, um, could you do it before you go, just so I don't mix up the scores even worse, since it's so close." Mike gently wrapped his hand around his arm and pulled Brad back by the bulging muscle. "Sorry, it'll only take a sec. Just take a quick look, will ya?" Oh god, it had worked a thousand times better than he planned. Just for fun, he gave the muscle a tight flex. If he wasn't mistaken he thought that Mike had stopped breathing. Of course, even the best laid plans have their glitches. Smugly approaching the lane after this success, and on the verge of a 200 game, he didn't realize how hard his own dick had become when Mike felt him up. Just as he was about the release the ball his rock-hard meat got tangled in his underwear. `Yeow!!!" he cried silently to himself. The ball didn't travel more than 10 feet before it went straight into the gutter. *** After working late in the studio one night the following week, Mike decided to stop by the gym to catch the end of Brad's game, and perhaps walk him back to his place, which was on his own way home. He was a bit apprehensive, though, thinking that perhaps it would be too much for him to show up at one of the games. Maybe he would look out of place, since no one really watched them except girlfriends or guys waiting for the next game. He took the plunge anyway, his increasing feelings for Brad propelling him almost against his will. Any apprehensions were immediately put to rest when Brad gave him a big smile and wave during a time-out. The only other person at that end of the court was Kate McDonough, the girlfriend of Peter Cassini, Brad's best friend on the team. Brad was out to both of them, and as Kate saw the two guys wave to each other, figured that it might be one of his gay friends. Directing his team like a general, Brad yelled the plays as they ran down the court. Not tall enough to be a forward or center, he played guard but used his natural skills as a leader to take charge on the floor and lead his team to third place in the 12 team league. It was clear that they depended on him and respected his leadership. And as much as they fed him the ball he was always looking out for opportunities for others to score and shine. It wasn't just an academic involvement, either. Last spring Brad had been elected President of the league. Typically, this is an honorific position, having to do mostly with coordinating the schedules and arranging the final blow out party at the end of the season. This year, however, it took on a lot more meaning. The University was closing the skanky old gym that the intramurals formerly used and was giving them terrible hours in the new fieldhouse. In spite of a lot of opposition, especially from the varsity sports teams, Brad led the way in negotiating better hours for the league in the new field house. It was a long, drawn out process that actually got some publicity in the local papers, and made Brad a few enemies on the varsity team and in the athletic administration. But he was proud of the league, especially as it drew in people who normally wouldn't be involved in sports, and was determined that it wouldn't die from institutional neglect. When the game was over, Kate noticed the two of them talking afterwards; she was struck by how quickly Brad changed roles, from his loud, aggressive position on the court to very quiet and almost gentle when he spoke to Mike. She especially noticed how Brad didn't take his eyes off his friend. After Mike stepped away to get him some water from the lobby vending machine, Kate approached Brad. "Is that a `friend" of yours, Brad?' She said, with a playful emphasis on the `friend' part. "Yessss, Kate," Mike replied, in a fake weary way, "but we're just friends. He's a nice guy, though. I wish I had gay friends like him." "That's surprising. He sure seems smitten with you." "What do you mean?" Brad was suddenly alert. While he had seemed very loose and relaxed with her just a second ago, he suddenly became intense and focused without even knowing it. Kate picked up the change in mood immediately. She was like military radar on these kinds of things, and was pretty sure of what it meant. "I was behind him in the stands, and he never took his eyes off of you. And when you fell that one time, well, I thought he was going to run down there to pick you up. Then he goes out to get you a drink. Not that I am any different with Peter, of course. But we have new rules since the Engagement," she said with a smile. "Brad, remember, once they think they have you, you lose all bargaining leverage." Peter said, laughing as he joined them. Kate smiled, and then focused again on Brad. "I don't know what his story is, but you do have a friend there. Anything more than that?" She knew the answer to her own question by now, but wanted to see if Brad would fess-up. "No, we're just friends, but we get along pretty well," he said as he looked up the court to see Mike coming with his drink. I'd like to introduce you guys if you have a couple minutes." "Of course!" Kate's busybody side would not be denied. She had known Brad since freshman year, when they were in a Sociology 101 study group together. The had hit it off immediately, and she did feel some attraction to him, but it was pretty clear that he wasn't responding to her come-ons. She was far from the vainest girl around, but she knew that she had the "package" of a great bod, strawberry blond hair, and huge tits that would bowl over any guy. Except a gay one. She did get Peter out of it, though. He and Brad had become fast friends playing basketball, which is how Pete met Kate. Pete actually was concerned for his friend and his future when he found out that Brad was gay, and was quick to tell him that they were still buds. The bonus was that he didn't have to hide his crush on Kate anymore, which he did out of respect for his friend and what he (mistakenly) took as their romantic relationship. After Mike joined the group they noticed that he was a bit shy at first, but was soon into the conversation at full steam. The four of them stood talking for almost a half hour, until the lights started being turned off by the janitor. Brad mentioned that it was time to go anyway. He remembered that Mike had an exam first thing in the morning so begged off for the both of them and they gave their goodbyes. Neither of them knew Mike so they couldn't be absolutely sure about his thoughts, though the signs were there, including a certain pride in his complimentary references to Brad's play in the game. But they both knew Brad, and his subtle but nonetheless undeniable fussing over Mike (making sure his jacket was zipped, offering to carry his pack, asking about his sniffles) rang bells for them both. As the guys walked off, Kate gave a quick glance to Peter as they each exchanged a knowing smile. *** It took her a while to arrange it, but Julie was finally able to hook up with Mike for lunch in the Student Union. He had been having most lunches with Brad, but on Wednesdays he had a seminar on the Weimar Republic, so Mike was on his own. It didn't take long for here to get to the point. "So Mike......what is going on?" She said briefly and with forced nonchalance, knowing the inflection of the question would say the rest. "What do you mean, Jules?" he said, and looked away, avoiding eye contact but smiling. "You know what I mean, mister. Spill it!" They both laughed. "Oh, you must mean - Brad?!" "Yes. What else?" Mike let out a breath of air. "Well, I don't know how obvious I am, but I must have betrayed something during our bowling night, right?" "Mike, you both did. You guys were glued together. Not that you touched each other inappropriately," she teased, "but all you could say to each other was "Do you need this, do you need that, great shot! Does your hand hurt? Are you thirsty? Are you hungry?" Turning red, he was barely able to look at Julie, but still smiled. "You know, we aren't always like that. When we go to the museum or movies, or play racquetball, we can be very tough on each other and actually a little combative. I think that we take each other real seriously. I have to say, though, that I did love being there with him." "He had a very short sleeve shirt on, and I was always trying to watch his nice biceps flex as he lifted the ball," he said as he gave a slight giggle. "Oh, and by the way, I have to tell you that there was one lie that you didn't catch me at earlier." "What do you mean? Did I miss a clue earlier? When did you slip one by me?" With a mischievous grin, he looked right at her. "Remember when I said I didn't remember him, and I acted as if I didn't recognize him at Captain Baillie's?" "Yeeea?" She said as she deliberately dragged out the question. "Well, I absolutely did remember him. I only saw him for a brief moment before I passed out, but he was so damn cute. I could never forget that face and that curly black hair. And what he did for me. He was like my hero!" He said, laughing hard at his own exaggeration, though deep down he believed just that. "You little shit!" "Oh, yea, and to top it all off, He's gay!" He then related the story of how Brad's friend outed him at the restaurant, which greatly amused Julie. But after seeing them together several times, it didn't surprise her at all. "That's all really great, Mike. I'm real happy for you, but -" Mike knew what was coming, and braced for it. "Have you told him that you're Gay? Have you told him about your health?" "No, not yet to both questions." He said very quietly, radically switching moods. "I'm not worried about the gay part, for obvious reasons, but they're all bound together and I'm afraid, Jules. I'm afraid for me and I'm afraid for him. If he does like me, why should I put him through all this shit with me? No one deserves that. And then again, he might just tell me to get lost," he said, looking away. She wasn't going to let go of this, though. "It's going to be tough Mike, but you know you have to do it if you want to continue even a friendship with him. You need to get this out into the open, before you both get too far down the road and everything crashes." "I know, you're right, but....I might be pretty far down that road already myself. Believe me, I think that he's as hot looking as it gets, but we have a connection that makes it a lot more than that. He's warm and human, but at the same time he's an incredibly strong guy. His parents are raving homophobes and have been belittling and belligerent to him since they found out about him , but Brad still gets up in the morning and looks forward to life." "I guess I just want to innocently enjoy it a little longer, but I know what your saying is right." "Remember what they did at Jesuit High when it happened? Phil Hardy, my best friend since I came to America, who I actually learned English from, thought I was a freak and wouldn't talk to me anymore. I guess they were scared, maybe I shouldn't have blamed them. It is scary. I don't think I can face that again, but I may have to." "Don't sell him short, Mirek. He might surprise you. I hate to say this because it will inflate your fat head, but even though that guy hasn't said anything yet, he obviously does care about you. A lot." "Well, I think, or I hope, that you're right, Julie. And I feel the same about him. And I owe him the truth, whether it's easy for me or not. And besides, he's a smart guy, and probably sees through me already, at least the gay part. It's obviously hard for me to hide how much I care about him" "Just don't get nervous, babe. You're a great catch, I ought to know." He looked at her, and put all their history into one smile. They continued bantering for the rest of lunch, talking about Julie's upcoming wedding, their classes and when they could get together again. When they parted, she made sure to give him an extra tight hug for encouragement. As the days went on, Mike was trying to think of the best way to broach his secrets with Brad. He continued to delay, knowing that sooner or later they needed to talk, but events were to soon force his hand in a way that would throw their relationship into turmoil. *** True to his earlier prediction, Mike had been doing a string of all-nighters in preparation for his project presentation. Brad could see that he was looking a bit haggard, but seemed in great spirits, which Brad ascribed to pride and satisfaction with the project. That was true for some of it. He didn't realize how much of that had to do with just seeing him. During mid-March on a Sunday night, Brad left the library at closing and stopped by the Architecture building to see if Mike wanted to go out for a midnight snack. He looked especially tired, but was still enthusiastic about Brad's visit and the offer. He almost never turned down an invitation to do something with him. Just as Brad started to look through wallet to check for available cash, someone pulled the fire alarm. The sirens and strobe lights started going off, causing the usual clatter and racket and light show. Brad was merely annoyed at this, as it happened somewhat frequently in the building where his seminars were, but was stunned when he looked over at Mike. Mike was standing, not moving at all, staring at the flashing strobe light. Mike called out to him, but he didn't answer. Brad studied his friend, and thought about what was happening. Then a frisson came over him. `Oh god, Mike' he thought, `why didn't you tell me?' He knew immediately what was wrong. He had grown up with a neighbor, a middle-aged guy, who did this often, only sometimes a lot worse. All the signs were there. And Brad had to face it. Mike was having a seizure. He had epilepsy. When Brad was growing up he was often an eyewitness to this neighbor, sometimes the only one, and he had to know what to do. He knew that only a small percentage of people with epilepsy are susceptible to flashing lights, but it was a clear sign because he'd seen it before. Hopefully, Mike wouldn't begin to convulse or collapse, but Brad rapidly pushed away the desks and chairs from the area, just in case. Some of the desks were incredibly heavy, definitely two-man jobs, but somehow he found the strength to do it. He then kept his eyes glued to Mike in case he collapsed. Thoughts went through his mind rapidly. It was obvious that this was a secret that Mike tried to keep quiet, for understandable reasons. People would think he was going to hurt himself, or them, or was crazy. This explained the overheard comment that Julie made to Roger after the punching incident, where she told him to watch Mikes eyes closely. Then Julie's insistence that they not do any dancing until he properly recovered. It has seemed a bit extreme at the time, but it made more sense now. Mike knew what epilepsy meant, because he saw the toll it took on the neighbors. For a moment, he thought, do I want to get into this? It could be a tough on him and on the relationship. He wasn't even absolutely sure that Mike was gay, although his behavior, including the bowling night, his poorly disguised glances down Brad's shirts and lack of interest in dating women was hitting Brad's gaydar loud and clear. Then he thought of the Mike he did know and was sure of. Of his kindness, generosity, intelligence and strength, and what he's gone through to get this far in his life. Moving as a kid and leaving all his friends, learning a new language, struggling to finance school. Standing up and defending his friends. And he probably didn't know the half of it, especially with this new revelation. And the guy never complained! He could imagine all the problems and anxiety that would be in his life if he was with Mike, but was far more shaken when he thought what his life would be without him. Just then, one of Mikes' classmates came over and spoke to Brad over the din of the alarm. "Hi, I'm Todd Metz. I noticed what's going on with Mike. Can I help?" Brad just briefly acknowledged him, keeping his focus on Mike. He didn't remember him ever mentioning this guy. Todd approached him closer and spoke quietly, but still loud enough to be heard just above the alarm. "Are you OK? Do you know what's happening?" "Yea, but he hadn't mentioned it to me. I know what to do, but I don't know his history of these or how he reacts, so I have to watch close." In fact, he had only barely glanced at Todd during the introduction and couldn't have remembered his face if he saw him on the street the next day. "I wanted to let you know that I accidentally overheard heard him talking about this on the phone a while back." Todd said. "I've tried to keep an eye on him, but didn't want to tell him I knew. We don't even know each other well, though he seems like a good guy and is a really good designer. Anyway, I'll get out of your way, since it looks like you know what you're doing. Just wanted to see if I could help." "Thanks, Todd. I sure he appreciates it, unknown as your efforts are. I appreciate it, too." "No problem and good luck. Let me know if you need anything. I'll keep an eye out down here just in case," He went back to his drafting table at the other end of the studio, constantly looking back at Brad and Mike. After the lights stopping flashing Mike came to consciousness relatively quickly, and took a minute to get his bearings. He hadn't noticed all the desks and chairs moved before, and then realized what had happened. `Oh god,' he thought, `what does Brad think is going on? He probably doesn't realize what it was, but I have no idea how long I was out.' While Brad was desperate to talk to him about this, he didn't want to be confrontational, thinking that that would just put pressure on him. He thought he'd treat it a bit humorously to get over this episode, but knew he would need to keep a close eye on him in the future. "Earth to Mike...first Czech astronaut...are you there? Earth to Mike...." Mike paused in his response, still trying to get his bearings. "Sorry, guy, I guess I just zonked out for a second. Just thinking about my project, I guess. Well, you ready to go?" "Sure, bud. Hey, you OK? Brad was unable to hid a look of concern. "Yea, no prob. We should get going, it's getting late." Brad watched Mike closely as he started to walk for the stairs and noticed that he clearly wasn't very stable. He needed to make up some story so that Mike would rest but not be self-conscious or aware of his suspicion. "Hey Mike," he said, putting his hand on his friend's shoulder, " Let me rest a second, I'm feeling little off tonight, I don't know, maybe I'm getting a little flu. Just give me a sec, then let's take the elevator, if that's OK." "OK, no problem. You going to be all right, guy?" Mike spoke slowly, with fatigue showing in his voice, and as usual, he thought of his friend before himself. But he was scared and concerned about the consequences of what had just happened.