Dustin's World

Dustin was glad to walk into the warm computer science building after being out in the cold November air. It had been a much busier weekend than he'd planned. Getting arrested would have been one thing. But having his best friend stop in, and finding out that he was going to be a father... It gave him a lot to think about. After Billy had gone home, Dustin had tried to call Sarah a few times. He really wanted to talk with her. He wanted to plan what they were going to do about their kid. He didn't like not knowing what was going to happen.

He was sitting on the floor near the door to Dr. Thompson's classroom, lost in his own thoughts. There was going to be a final that day. Dustin knew that he was going to ace that. Dr. Thompson's class was the easiest class on his schedule. It was so easy that he had ended up spending most of it staring at Luke.

And now he'd had sex with Luke. He still couldn't quite get a handle on that one. All that time he'd thought about it. But he never expected it to actually happen. And the way it happened! He'd never imagined a situation like that. He could still feel Luke's overstretched hole and Scott's dick squeezed against his own. He wondered if Luke would be embarrassed when he saw Dustin.

He didn't have to wait long for the answer. Luke walked around the corner. He was smiling and happy, as if he'd just received an award or something. But he stopped smiling when he saw Dustin. He looked embarrassed to be in the same hallway with him. Dustin was afraid it was going to be like that. It's not everyday that you have two guys fuck you at the same time. It had to be weird to see one of those guys later on.

Luke surprised Dustin though. He quickly regained his smile and walked over to Dustin and sat down beside him on the floor.

"Hey." Luke said quietly.

"Hey." Dustin replied.

"That was some party the other night, huh?"

"Yeah. It was different." Dustin replied awkwardly. He was surprised that now he seemed to be the nervous one. He was glad the hallway was empty.

Luke leaned in and whispered. "I loved every second of it. You don't know how long I wanted you to fuck me."

"Uh... Well I'm glad you liked it." Dustin replied.

"My ass still hurts, dude. It felt great, but I haven't walked right since. Maybe we should have another round sometime, just you and me."

"What about Nate?" Dustin asked.

Luke smiled. "Nate can't do what you can do. We always have to be so darn careful. We have to use rubbers, and spermicidal jelly and all that shit. It's a pain. I miss going bareback sometimes, you know?"

"What do you mean?" Dustin asked.

"Well, why do you think I went to that party in the first place? I just needed a little bit of freedom. I love him, but sex shouldn't be a chore that you have to spend all that time worrying about."

"Why would you worry about having sex with Nate? He's your boyfriend."

"Do you know what Nate used to do, Dustin? He used to sell himself to old men for favors. He'd let them fuck him and he'd take their money to survive. It was a hard life, and he's paying for it now."

"So you're afraid that he'll give you something?"

"Come on, Dustin. Wouldn't you be afraid to let somebody with HIV fuck you without a lot of protection?"

"What?" Dustin asked.

"He's got HIV. He's had it as long as I've known him. You didn't know?" Luke asked.

"I... How could I have? I hardly know him." Dustin replied.

"Oh, don't worry about last Saturday. I'm perfectly clean. I get tested all the time, being around him and all. It's not like you fucked him or anything, right?"

Dustin didn't say anything, he just sat there looking at nothing.

"So you see why I have to get out every once in a while. I love him, but I love sex too. You know what I mean? I just need to get laid without all the work every now and then."

"Yeah..." Dustin said, his voice barely a whisper.

"I just felt so sorry for Natey, having to sell his body and getting HIV like that. I really do feel bad about going out without him, but I couldn't have taken him, obviously. Anybody who'd have sex with him without protection would be fucked, that's for sure."

"He never said anything about it..." Dustin said.

Luke smiled. "Would you?"

The doors to Dr. Thompson's room opened and the hallway was filled with people. Dustin never got the chance to find out anything more from Luke. All Dustin knew was that he felt cold. He couldn't think or feel anything but a cold sense of dread building inside him.

"He didn't say anything." Dustin kept thinking as he sat at his desk to take his test.. "If he knew, why didn't he tell me?"

But then Luke's question kept coming back to him. "Would you?"

He just sat there numb. He didn't notice Luke looking back at him every once in a while and smiling. He just felt like his whole world had suddenly disappeared, and only the thought that at that very moment little microscopic viruses were destroying his immune system. He looked at his hands. He had nice hands. He had felt so much male flesh with them that he'd long ago lost count. Now somewhere inside him there was something that was going to slowly kill him.

He put his head down and held it up with his hands. He felt his hair run between his fingers. People always loved his hair. He loved his hair. He liked it when Mr. Johnston called him Red. He loved being known as the red-headed guy with the big dick.

Yeah, the big dick... The very way he'd killed himself. Billy was right. How many times had he been warned that he was going to kill himself if he wasn't careful? How many times had he laughed that warning off? Nothing was ever going to happen to him. He was Dustin Dwayne Smith, goddamn it. He survived his dad raping him. He'd survived his mother's so-called love. He'd been through too much to let a little thing like HIV kill him.

But it was going to. It was going to kill him. He was going to die a slow painful death. He was going to get sicker and sicker. He was going to end up in a hospital, weak and dying. He couldn't afford to buy drugs. He couldn't afford to get sick. He would just have to let the disease take over and kill him. He would forever be known as that red-headed guy who got AIDS and died. All his hopes, all his dreams, everything he'd planned to do with his young life would never happen now. He was going to die.

And he'd done it to himself.

And he'd only answered one question on his test when Dr. Thompson walked up to him.

"Dustin."

Dustin was startled by the intrusion of real life back into his world. He looked around the room and saw that everyone had left the room except for him. "Oh..." He said.

"Are you feeling alright, son?" Dr. Thompson asked.

"I... I don't know..."

"You only answered one question."

"I did?"

"Yes. Dustin... I cannot treat you differently just because of our relationship. You know that."

"I know."

"I know that you're in a difficult part of your life. You're struggling with your sexuality. I've been there. I know. And you're struggling to discover what kind of man you are going to become. Trust me, you are one of the most brilliant students I've ever taught. I know that you will become a great computer scientist. And you already are a fantastic lover. When you learn to combine that animalistic passion of yours with that mind, you will make somebody very happy."

"If I live that long." Dustin replied.

"Don't say things like that. Just be careful and you'll be alright. Now, about this test..."

"I'm sorry. I just can't think right now." Dustin said.

"Why don't you come back to my office and we'll discuss it privately."

"I don't want to have sex right now." Dustin said.

"Well neither do I. I just want to make sure that my best student doesn't fail this test."

"Oh." Dustin replied. "I thought you..."

"Dustin, I do have students in my office for educational purposes, you know. In fact you are the only one who was ever bold enough to... Well... Let's just get you though this test, shall we?"

Dustin and Dr. Thompson walked to his office and together, Dustin managed to focus long enough to get through the test. Afterward, he walked outside into the cold November air. Luke wasn't at his bench of course. He would have been met by Nate and been long gone. He wasn't sure whether it was really foggy out or if it was all his imagination. One thing was for sure, he wasn't able to see very far ahead.

He sat on Luke's bench and tried to figure out what he was going to do. He kept going back to the night he'd fucked Nate. Mike had pissed him off. Mike and his wanting to get together with what's-his-name. That was why he had got in touch with Nate in the first place. And now he was going to die because of it. It wasn't fair!

"I wish I'd have had it when dad fucked me." Dustin whispered. "Then he'd have got it when he made me bleed. Then he wouldn't have come back and I wouldn't have had sex with Sar... Oh fuck."

Dustin realized what he had done. If he had been infected by Nate, then there was no doubt that as many times as he'd ejaculated inside Sarah that he would have given it to her.

"Sarah has to know." Dustin said aloud. "I have to tell her."

Dustin became more and more worried as he walked to his bike. If he'd given it to Sarah, then he'd given it to his baby too, hadn't he? Dustin wasn't entirely sure how HIV worked, but he thought that there was a chance to save his baby even if both he and Sarah had it. Sarah had money. Sarah could save the baby at least, even if the baby's father had been an idiot.

Dustin rode slowly as he left California and headed toward his old hometown of Donora. He wasn't looking forward to telling Sarah that he may have unknowingly given her HIV. He wasn't looking forward to being called what he knew he deserved to be called. He wondered if she'd sue him. He certainly couldn't afford that. For a second, he thought about riding his bike into the path of one of the trucks that was going the other way. But the thought that his baby was on the line kept him from being stupid.

"Besides, I might survive and be an invalid." He thought.

He kept riding.

Night was falling by the time he reached Sarah's neighborhood. Christmas lights were coming on all around him as he rode. It was only a few days before Thanksgiving. And yet the lights were on at every house. Dustin pulled into Sarah's driveway. He turned off the bike and walked to the door. She couldn't ignore him this time. He wasn't going to let her. This may have been the most important thing Dustin ever said in his life and he wasn't leaving until he'd talked to her.

So he was disappointed and a little scared when he knocked on the door and it was her father that answered the door.

"Can I help you, young man?"

"Mr. Taylor..." Dustin gulped.

"Wait a minute... I remember you."

"You were president of the school board at my school. You cost my best friend valedictorian." Dustin replied.

"Oh, the big red-headed kid. Roberts' friend. Douglas Smith."

"Dustin Smith." He replied sharply.

"Oh yes. That's right. Whatever." Mr. Taylor scoffed. "So what ever brings the town drunk's kid to my door?"

"I have to talk to Sarah. It's private."

"Private? Well, that does sound important. Let me interrupt her valuable time studying to tell her that David Smith has to talk with her privately."

"It's Dustin, goddamn it, and yes, I have to talk with her! It's a matter of life and death."

"Get out of here you little scamp. We were happy when Sarah got away from you cretins and went to Dartmouth and we certainly don't need you distracting her now."

"Daddy, let him in." Sarah interrupted. She had heard the commotion from her room and had come to see what was happening.

"Sarah, I don't think..." Mr. Taylor started.

"It's okay, daddy. What is it Dustin?"

"We need to talk."

"There is nothing to talk about."

Dustin looked nervously at Mr. Taylor. "It's about the baby."

"WHAT!?!?!?" Mr. Taylor exploded. He grabbed Dustin by the shirt. "What have you been doing with my daughter?"

"Daddy let him go." Sarah demanded. Mr. Taylor looked at her, confused.

"What is he talking about, Sweetheart?"

"She's pregnant with my baby." Dustin blurted out.

Mr. Taylor released Dustin and walked toward Sarah. "Is this true?"

"Of course not, daddy. I'm not that kind of girl anymore. You know that."

"I can describe her room if you'd like." Dustin replied. "I could tell you about the birthmark, but the whole school knew about that."

"Why would my daughter want to be with somebody like you?"

"Why don't you ask her? Maybe she felt like slumming." Dustin said angrily.

"Sarah, tell me the truth, sweety."

"Oh alright, I slept with him." Sarah replied. "I felt sorry for him."

"Sarah..." Mr. Taylor said disappointedly.

"You felt sorry for me?" Dustin said angrily at the same time. "I didn't need a pity fuck, I needed somebody to talk to! You're the one who turned it into sex!"

"Yes. It was a mistake. It was all a big mistake! But you don't need to worry about it."

"I damn sure do need to worry about it! It's my baby just as much as yours!"

"There is no baby." Sarah replied.

Dustin started to say something but then stopped. "What? What do you mean?"

"I said, 'there is no baby.'"

"You mean it was all a lie?" Dustin asked.

"No. I was pregnant. I took care of it."

"What do you mean, 'took care of it?'" Mr. Taylor asked.

"Mother and I went to the health center in Pittsburgh and got it taken care of. I won't let my mistakes get in the way of my education like they did before."

Dustin's eyes brimmed with tears. "You mean to tell me that you killed..."

"I got an abortion, Dustin. It's my body and my life."

Dustin felt as if someone had reached into his chest and ripped his heart right out. He fell down to his knees and clutched his chest where his heart had once been. "You... You... No!!!!! God please, no!!!!" Dustin wailed.

"Oh please." Sarah said coldly. "Get up."

"You killed my baby!" Dustin cried in anguish.

"It's my body, and my choice."

"It wasn't your body! It was as much my baby as yours!" Dustin cried.

"It was a mistake, Dustin. It was nothing but an accident."

"You fucking bitch!" Dustin raged as the tears streamed down his face. "Why did you even tell me about it?"

"Because I didn't realize how pathetic you are until it was too late." Sarah replied. "Come on. We're not from the same world, Dustin. I have a future to think about. A career. A real family. You? You're never going to be anything. You're a queer who can't admit it to himself whose daddy beat the shit out of him and treated him like a whore. Because you are one! You're worthless. You're a sad, scared, pathetic faggot with a big dick but nothing else. You should have been taken care of before you were born too."

Dustin just knelt there, unable to reply. Deep down, he figured she was right. It wasn't like she was saying anything that he hadn't heard before, or had told himself.

"It's not like you would have been a part of its life anyway, so what are you all upset about? You think any child of mine would have anything to do with a pathetic piece of garbage like you?"

Dustin rose to his feet. His eyes were now bloodshot and burning. He silently walked toward the door. He no longer had any reason to be there. He opened the door and started to walk out, before he stopped and turned around.

"I think I have HIV. I hope to God I gave it to you, you fucking murderer."

Then he turned and walked out of the house. He got on his bike and stared at the house. He'd conceived a child in that house, but now it was dead. Gone forever and called a mistake. Dustin's baby was killed because he wasn't good enough to be a father. He was killed because of Dustin. His chest ached worse than any pain he'd ever felt. And he knew that it was his heart breaking.

The thought of dying didn't seem so bad anymore.

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Chapter Nine - The Worst Day

by Jeff Wilson