Date: Wed, 26 Sep 2001 17:25:11 -0500
From: Vodkapuddle <vodkapuddle@iamwasted.com>
Subject: 'Expectations' part 1

Lee didn't think he expected too much, but his friends begged to differ.
They said that he should play the field.  Go out, have a good time.  Meet a
nice guy, take him home..........Exactly one year ago, Lee would never have
contemplated making an effort to find a partner.  His theory was that love
would find him.  He would go out to the bars and have a great time, but if
a guy got too close and didn't meet his criteria then he would get the
ice-treatment.  This was becoming a problem- guys never made it past Lee's
high expectations.  He wouldn't even look twice at a guy if he had any
imperfection, even if he was good-looking.

It was Lee's 21st birthday last year and this is where the story is going
to begin, just before his party in his halls of residence.  Lee loved where
he lived.  The halls were amazing; they were on-campus and set up in
sections of 10 rooms in a circular shape, all facing in to one shared
kitchen.  It is impossible to not get on with your neighbours because if
you did, one would find it very difficult to survive.  Everyone basically
lived inside each other's pockets and everybody who lived there had become
a close family unit.  Lee had no idea that his friends had planned him a
party- he assumed that they would all hit the town and go to a club.
That's one of the things he really loved about his friends- they're full of
surprises.  They were certainly a mixed bag of people.

Lee's two best friends; Anna and Jason had decided to take him out for a
birthday lunch which he thought was a great idea.  Obviously he wouldn't
have had much of a choice if he didn't really feel like it because they had
to get him out of his room so that everyone else could sort out the party.
Anna was Lee's best friend because they 'clicked' so well.  At this point,
he had only known her for two years, but it already felt as if she was a
life-long friend.  They could just look at each other and know exactly what
the other was thinking.  They had so much fun together.  They were both
very bubbly people and so, when they got together, there was an explosion
of character.  Having said this, both Anna and Lee were very reserved
towards people they did not know.  It took a while for them to trust a
person, but once they did, they were accepted into the family.  Anna was
absolutely stunning and if Lee wasn't gay, he knew that he would be all
over her like a rash.  She was the girl of a lot of people's dreams with
her long waves of golden hair that played with the curves of her shoulders
blades and her intense blue eyes that you could literally just drown in.
It would be easy for another person to become the third wheel if they were
with Anna and Lee, but Jason was such a strong character that it never
occured.  Jason was just as stunning as Anna and could easily be a model if
he should have choosen to do so.  Anna, Jason and Lee were performing arts
students which brings a certain amount of confidence.  Jason stands tall at
6'3 and so it would have been easy for him to become very overbearing and
over-confident but Jason was also the loveliest person alive.  He was the
kind of person that went out of his way to help anyone, especially those
who are close to him.  He was the definite big brother-type towards Lee.
He could openly take Lee into his strong arms without anyone even slightly
wondering if he was gay.  He oozed heterosexuality and never had trouble
finding himself a very willing date.  There was just something about him.
He had chestnut coloured hair cut relatively short, kind of messed-up which
gave him this constant just-got-out-of-bed look.  His strong face was
complimented perfectly by a powerful jawline and his sparkling green eyes
always gave away what he was feeling.  Lee loved Jason and knew he always
would.  Lee believed that everyone had a guardian angel; someone to look
out for them, and Jason was his.

The three of them had just finished a huge chocolate gateau, much to the
distaste of the other customers in the restaurant.  The other diners were
positively disgusted with our behaviour which is understandable because we
had been drinking rather a lot of wine and were getting quite loud.  We
decided to leave and made a point of saying goodbye to every single diner
personally.  When all we got were sour faces, Jason decided to tell them
how rude they had been and swooped Anna and I under his arms and escorted
us out of the door.....at the same time.  After a few squeezes, we popped
out of the door.  I think it was safe to say that we had been barred from
that restaurant and I have never returned.  They probably have a large red
sign in the door saying,'Lee, Anna and Jason must not be permitted inside
the premises at any time.'  Oh well, their loss...................

There was only one place that they could go now.  They gave each other
knowing looks and then right on cue, screamed at the top of their
voices,'HENRY'S!'  Henry's was their favourite bar in the city.  The decor
wasn't great but it was quite cosy.  It was a good, fun place to get drunk.
All the people were the same and every night was pretty similar but they
never get bored of it.  They began a sprint to their favourite bar almost
knocking over many people in the street.  Jason lead the way with his
powerful strides and every once in a while would effortlessly perform a
'Fame' jump and then carry on running.  They looked like the village
idiots, but hey, they were drunk so they didn't care.  As soon as the badly
painted entrance of Henry's became visible Lee, Anna and Jason cheered in
unison.  Lee was definitely in the mood to get even more drunk.  He decided
to use the 'birthday' card as much as possible and pointed to Anna
saying,'Your round!'

'Hey, no way, birthday boy.  You're not getting away with that!  We paid
for the meal, the least you can do is buy the first round of drinks!"  Anna
retorted.

Lee knew that he wasn't going to win this one so he obeyed Anna and bought
his two best friends three shots of tequila each.  It was never a good sign
when Lee started drinking tequila; it was a good sign that he would be on
the floor later on, though.

'OK, let's make this a bit more interesting, Pup,' Jason said using his
nickname for Lee.  He loved Jason calling him that, it enhanced the Big
Brother feel.

'Oh yeah?  Go on........?'  Lee asked, slightly worried at what his answer
would be.

'Right, let's play a little bit of truth or dare,' He suggested.

'That's a bit childish, don't you think?  I'm a big boy now,' Lee said
doing his best baby voice.

'Aw, come one, indulge me.'

'Oh, come on, Lee.  Don't be a pussy.'  Anna joined in.

Lee looked at Anna and then at Jason.  Again- he knew that he wasn't going
to win.

'Oh, OK.  But nothing too........too.......well, you know; too you!' Lee
warned.

Anna just giggled evilly and he knew that they weren't going to hold back.

'OK, I'll start.  We all have to drink the first shot and as soon as we
slam it on the bar we have to say which part of our bodies we dislike the
most.  If you are the last to say yours then you have to explain your
reasons for your answer.  Get it?"  Jason was one of those guys who knows
ten thousand and one drinking games and always has a stupid party trick up
his sleeve.

'I think I get it, but I'm not sure what I'll pick......I'm just so
gorgeous!' Lee said, doing his best camp voice.

'Oh yeah, gay boy?  Would you rather I picked a part of you to pick on?'
threatened Jason.

'Everybody ready?  One, two, three!'  Jason announced.

Arms flew as we licked the salt took our shot.  Anna bit on her tongue as
she went to bite the lemon and so she was howling in pain by the time Jason
and Lee had shouted their answers (knee and ears, respectively).  Jason's
answer was because he had been plagued with a knee injury last year after
hurting in it an intense dance rehearsal.  Lee picked his ears because they
were quite small in comparison to his head. It wasn't abnormal, his ears
were just the first thing he thought of.  Like his friends, Lee had been
quite lucky in the looks department- he stood at an average 5'11 and was
very toned from all of the dance that he did.  Lee was naturally tanned and
had dark hair.  People were shocked when they realised that Lee had blue
eyes, they expected them to be dark like his other features.

'That was so not fair!  I bit my tongue!'  Anna complained.

'Oh well, Doll face, you're gonna have to tell us why you picked your boobs
now!'  Lee laughed as he and Jason high-fived.

'Oh God, OK.  I picked my boobs because I have a birth mark by my nipple on
the left side.  And now I can't believe that I didn't just make something
up instead of actually revealing that to you two.'

Jason and Lee were now screaming and pointing at Anna's breast.  The old
men that were sat at the bar beside us leered at Anna as old men tend to
do.  Anna squirmed as she saw them and swiped at Jason's head but he ducked
and so she hit Lee straight in the face instead.  As he clutched his cheek,
Jason began to cry with laughter.  That was Lee's cue to try and punch him
in the chest but he just caught his fist and pulled him into a big hug.
Lee just melted into him as he usually did and Anna threw her arms around
the outside of us and they were all friends again.  It was Lee's turn to
pick a question.

'OK, guys.  My question is, who would you sleep with out of the people in
this building?  One, two, three!'

This time Jason came last intentionally.  Anna and Lee both screamed,
'barman'- it was the obvious answer.  He was the youngest person in the
building aside from themselves.  Jason began to point his finger first at
Anna and then slowly towards me.  Lee was suddenly dumbstruck as Jason
paused.

Jason chuckled as he quickly pointed to the corner at an elderly woman
tenderly sipping at a small glass of sherry.  Lee laughed nervously as Anna
gave the old lady a wink,'Why did you pick her, Jason?'  Lee asked.

'Sorry, Pup.  You were the obvious choice,' Jason joked,'but in the end,
those saggy tits just got to me!' Jason made a gesture of a large pair of
breasts as Lee looked embarrassed for the old women.  The gesture made him
remember just how hetero Jason was.  Fortunately, the old woman was
probably too deaf to have heard him anyway.

'Right!  My turn!'  Anna exclaimed as she licked her hand and poured a
little pile of salt onto her hand.

'Uh-oh!'  Both Jason and Lee said in unison.  Anna just smiled and
continued.

'When was the last time you had sex?  One, two, three!'  Anna had a head
start on her shot as she had already put salt onto her hand so it was a
race between Jason and Lee to finish.  Jason won.  Anna's answer was 'last
week' and Jason's was 'last night'.  Lee felt slightly sick from the
alcohol and also from the fact that he would have to explain my answer of
'six months ago'.

'Well, mine was six months ago.'  Lee answered plainly.

'And why is that, Lee?'  Anna said mockingly- she already knew the answer.

'Is it because you're too picky and too judgmental?' Anna had answered for
him.  Lee looked to the floor feeling a bit emotional.

'Don't worry, Pup.  We still love you.'  Jason put his arm over Lee's
shoulder.

'Yeah, sorry, Lee- I didn't mean it.'  Anna apologised.

'Yes, you did, Anna, but that's OK.  It's true.  Can we just go home?  I'm
not in the mood now,' Lee replied.

Anna and Jason exchanged looks and Jason mouthed,'Oops.'  They left Henry's
less happy than they had been when we arrived which hardly ever happened.
They were relatively silent on their way back to the campus which was a 10
minute walk and a 5 minute ride on the bus.  Soon the ivy-covered building
of their halls became visible and they entered.  Lee led the way to their
floor and reached his hand to the door of their kitchen...  The door to the
kitchen opened slowly as Lee pushed it.  Things were quiet, a bit too
quiet.  There was always something going on in the halls.  This was no
exception.  Lee was greeted with a huge,'SURPRISE!' and Lauren throwing
herself at him.  Lauren's room was on the left of Lee's with Jason on the
other side of him.  Lauren was a very affectionate girl and could knock you
over if she could get a run-up to her hug.  It was so strange because she
was such a small, dainty person and looked a bit like a mouse.  She was an
English Literature student, incredibly well-spoken and very intelligent.
Lee wouldn't say that they were very close, but he knew he could go to her
whenever he needed to speak to someone.

Lee was so shocked- he couldn't believe it.  His friends were the best.
Lee had suddenly become completely happy again.  Lee looked behind him at
Jason and Anna and gave them a grin.  Jason winked back at him as Lauren
announced to group,'Uh-oh, I smell tequila on his breath!'

The whole room gasped and oo-ed as Lee began to hug each of his friends
one-by-one thanking them for such a great surprise.  Lee got to Zack, the
Goth member of the family and went to hug him.  He did his signature hiss
and said,'It's not even for you anyway.'

Lee just laughed and hugged him anyway.  'I know you love me really, Zack,'
he answered.

'Yeah, yeah,' Zack swished his hands in dismissal as Lee moved on around
the room. The party had begun and a thumping bass beat pumped around the
room with a promise to bring the walls down.  As he scanned the room filled
with his friends, he noticed a stranger sat at the kitchen counter with a
party hat.  He was sure he had never seen him around campus and Lee always
remembered a face.  He had some face too.  He was dark-haired and was
nicely toned.  His teeth were stunningly white and Lee realised that he was
smiling in his direction.  He had to make the decision to acknowledge him
and go and speak or to pretend not to see him and walk away.  It was then
that Lee made the change in his life.  He remembered Anna's analysis of why
he hadn't had sex in a while and he knew that he had to speak to this
stranger even if he wasn't gay.  He had to make an effort.  Lee smiled back
to the stranger and advanced towards him.  Lee walked around to his side of
the counter and reached out his hand to say 'hello'.

'I don't believe we've met,' Lee spoke, only slightly slurring his words.

'Hi there, I'm Joshua, Emily's exchange student,' the stranger answered in
the most beautiful American accent Lee had ever heard.  The American accent
really did it for him.  Lee didn't know what it was about American men, but
they were the sexiest.  Lee realised that Emily (room directly opposite
mine) had told him that she was looking after an American student while he
stayed in England.  What she hadn't told him was that he was a he and he
was drop-dead gorgeous.  He had beautiful eyes like emeralds and Lee felt
drawn to them from the moment their eyes made contact.

'Oh yes, of course.  Hi!'  Lee reached out my hand for Joshua to shake not
realising that he had already done that.  He chuckled softly and clutched
my hand with his.  He also clasped Lee's hand with his other hand and held
it there a little longer than would usually be comfortable for him.  But
this time he did feel comfortable.  Very comfortable.  Joshua broke the
hold and asked Lee if he wanted a drink.  He answered,'Yes, just as long as
it isn't tequila.'

'OK, can do.  Give me two seconds.'

His version of two seconds lasted around 10 minutes yet Lee still waited.
He came back very apologetically,'I'm sorry, Lee.  I got pulled aside by
Anna- is that her name?  I think she wanted to chat a little longer but I
said I had to get back to you.'

Maybe Anna hadn't had sex for longer than just a week.  It wasn't like her
to make the moves.  There was definitely something about this guy.

'Here's your drink, I hope you don't mind warm vodka.  I was holding for a
while back there,' Josh handed him the slightly warmed glass and he held it
feeling his body heat, absorbing it through his skin.

'Thankyou, Joshua.  Where's your drink?'

'Oh, I don't drink.  I like to keep a clear head, you know?'

'That's really......really..........um.......'  Lee said, searching for the
right word.

'Sensible?'  Josh tried.

'I was thinking more 'weird'' Lee disagreed, sounding slightly more rude
than he had intended.  Joshua just took it with a pinch of salt and smiled,

'I have my fun in other ways,' he replied possibly sounding more forward
than he had meant to.  Lee wasn't sure how he managed to get the courage to
do what he did next, but he did it.  He leant his face in towards Josh's
and inched closer to his full lips.  Lee was slightly surprised to find him
also coming closer; he still didn't know if Joshua was gay or not.  It was
then that the tequila decided to make a reappearance.  Lee's stomach began
to convulse as his birthday meal flew out of his throat right onto the
front of the black button-down shirt Joshua was wearing.  That was the last
thing Lee remembered before waking up in his bed- other than Josh's
surprised yelp and Jason's arms catching him before he fell to the ground.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I woke up at 7:00pm and opened my eyes to be met with a blurred vision of
Jason sitting on the edge of my bed.  As his image became clearer, he
noticed that I had awoken and he welcomed me back,

'Hey, Pup.  Right on time; you passed-out for exactly two hours- same as
usual.  I don't know why we let you drink tequila.  It's always the same;
you drink, you pass-out, you awake after missing two hours of fun.  And
this time its your party.  you ready to get back out there?'

'Yeah, I guess so.  Did you sit with me the whole time?'  I asked Jason,
still groggy from my sleep.

'Yes, Pup, but I wasn't alone.  Joshua decided to wait with me.  He was
worried about you, you know.  We had a good chat.  He's just gone to get a
glass of water.'

'He waited?  He was worried?  Really?  What did you talk about?  Me?' I
shot these questions at Jason in such a hurry that anyone could have
guessed I was very interested in Josh.

'We did talk about you, bud, but we talked a lot about him too.  He's an
interesting guy- he writes and sings a lot of his own material.  I've told
him that he should bring over a guitar some day and give us a performance.
You've made an impact on him as well.'

'Really?  Wow?  Even though I, you know, threw-up on him?  What did he
say?' I really wanted to find out everything he had said about me.  I had
hoped he was gay and I was glad to find that he actually was.  My bedroom
door suddenly opened and Joshua stood in the doorway, smiling.

'Hey there, Lee.  You OK?'  That accent really got me going.  I was now
well and truly awake.

'Ye-yeah, I'm great,' I stammered.

'You had me surprised out there.  I didn't expect to be vomited on when you
went to kiss me,' Josh remarked.

I blushed.  Even though I knew Jason was really cool with me being gay, I
didn't want to talk about kissing another guy in front of him.  It just
seemed too awkward for me, especially since I hadn't had any action for a
long time.  I couldn't even believe I had been so forward with Josh either.
I was also glad I had as well.  maybe I would get some action tonight after
all.

'Yeah, sorry about that, Joshua.  I'm ready to get back out there now
though.  Is everybody cool?'  I asked, trying to sound as relaxed as
possible even though my stomach was in knots.  Josh led the way followed by
Jason.  I was the last out of my door, and as I entered the lounge/kitchen
area, the room errupted in applause and cheers.  I took a bow with a big
grin on my face and Emily ran up to me and dragged me off to a corner.

'What was that all about with Josh before you zoned-out?  Is he gay?  Anna
is really not impressed with you, especially since Josh waited in your room
with jason until you woke-up.'  Emily scares me sometimes.  She is very
well-meaning, but can sometimes be quite aggressive without even meaning to
be.

'I don't know what I was doing, it just felt like a good thing to do.  Why
is Anna upset?  Why were you spying on us anyway?'  I decided to get on the
aggressive too.

'I wasn't spying, you were right there for everybody to see anyway.  I was
just making sure Josh was OK.  I guess Anna had her eyes on him too and you
kind of stole him away.' Emily had backed-down a little.

'That's not like Anna.  Oh well, we'll have a good chat later but first,
I'm gonna get my claws into Josh!'  I was really getting tense thinking
about getting close to this American stud which was so not like me but I
really needed to release some of that tension.

'What's up with you, Lee?  What happened to the high standards?'  Emily was
clearly surprised with my behaviour.

'Emily, I'm not sure what's going on with me, but you have to admit that he
is gorgeous so I'm hardly dropping my standards,' I reasoned.

'OK, Stud.  Go get him,' Emily ordered with a shake of her finger in Josh's
direction.  He was talking with Zack.  Zack actually looked to be enjoying
the conversation which surprised me no end.  Josh really must be a special
guy to have Zack smile at him.  I was feeling great and my head was clear
of alcohol so I marched right up to Joshua and pulled at his arm.

'I need to have a talk with you in private, Josh.  is that OK?'  I asked
him as I continued to drag him across the room towards my door.  I really
didn't give him much of a choice.  He was coming with me whether he liked
it or not but I hoped that he didn't mind coming with me.  I hoped he
wanted to.  The rest of my friends looked highly amused at the scene they
were witnessing and all conversation stopped as they watched me drag Josh.

'WHAT?'  I asked the room with a smile on my face.  No-one answered,
everyone just grinned back apart from Zack who looked highly annoyed that I
had stolen Josh from him.  I later found out that Zack was ready to pounce
on Josh just before I had taken him.

I got Josh into my room and sat him down on the bed.  I turned and shut my
door making sure to lock it.  I tried the door handle to make sure it was
locked.  I didn't want anybody to walk in on what I hoped was about to
happen.

'You're a subtle man, Lee,' Josh mused.

'Yeah, well.  I like to be up-front- get used to it,' I replied to Josh in
my best sexy voice.  He seemed to be comfortable with my pushiness so I
advanced towards my bed.  Josh went to speak but I quickly placed my index
fingertip over his full lip and hushed him as I lowered myself to his face.
I leant my face towards him confident that I would not embaress myself
again like the last time I tried to kiss him.  Josh turned his face upwards
as my lips met his. I instinctively reached up my right hand and brushed
his cheek.  The thing that really turns me on about kissing another man is
the feeling of rough stubble scratching against my skin.  It sends shivers
all over my body.  Josh pulled the back of my neck so that I was seated
next to him and it was then that his other hand wandered down the small of
my back, tracing paths all around it.  The feeling of his slightly rough
fingertips made me shudder heavily.  I was losing my power over him
dramatically and I wanted to be in control for this scene.  I suddenly
placed my hand on his chest and pushed him backwards and in no time I had
stripped him.  I jumped on him and sat on his stomach with my legs either
side of his hips.  Joshua tried to say something again but, for the second
time, I hushed him.  Josh just gave me a grin and I continued my assualt on
him.  I was still fully clothed at this point and the feel of his naked
body against the material of my trousers was driving me crazy.  I began to
grind my toned ass cheeks against his groin which was met by a groan from
Josh.

Up to this point, I had never been fucked before.  I had always done the
fucking.  I was probably to afraid to let someone else have complete
control over me.  Although I had been quite forceful with Josh, I wanted
nothing more than having him fuck me.  Josh was not huge in the cock
department but he was beautifully sized.  Not too big, not too small.  His
cut dick was framed with a perfect amount of dark hair that also spotted
around his stomach and upper chest.  He really was beautiful.  I felt my
control over him melting as I realised how much of a catch Josh was and how
lucky I was that he was interested in me.  I leant down to him and kissed
him softly never losing contact with his eyes.  The kisses were as light
feathers for a few minutes and then I allowed Josh's tongue to enter my
mouth.  I was now totally his.  The roles had reversed.

Joshua began to lift my shirt from me as I closed my eyes, savouring the
moment.  He then un-buckled my belt and undid my fly.  My trousers were
soon lying on the floor alongside my shirt.  All that remained of my
clothing was my black briefs that had considerably tightened in the last
few minutes.  Joshua leapt from the bed and pushed me down so that I was
flat on my stomach.  He practically ripped my briefs from me to reveal my
ass which was clenched in surprise.  Although I wanted Josh to fuck me, I
hadn't anticipated that he would be this forceful.  I wasn't sure that I
liked what was happening.  I heard him spit and within seconds I felt
Josh's stiff cock invading me.  He hadn't prepared me for this in any sense
and I let out a muffled scream.  My scream did not sound loudly as the
pillow I was biting into acted as insulation for the sound.  I suddenly
became very aware of the heat and small space that we utilised.  I turned
my head and noticed the walls begining to change colour right before my
eyes.  I was back in my bedroom of 11 years ago- a frightened, weeping
child.  An image of my father appeared, towering above me.  His fist raised
high.  The vision blurred and began to spin as I suddenly realised where I
was. Josh was still pistoning in and out of me on a never ending journey
and I knew that I had to stop this.  as much as I had wanted Josh
initially, he was now really scaring me.

'Joshua, stop,' I commanded.  Josh immediately halted and witdrew from me.
I was glad.  I was expecting some kind of fight erupt from making him stop.

'What's wrong?' he asked innocently.

'What's wrong?!  What the hell did you think you were doing?' I didn't
believe that he had no idea why I had made him halt.

'Lee, I thought that this was what you wanted.  All the signs were there.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you.  I thought you were enjoying
yourself?'

'I was until you decided to practically rape me.  I thought you would be
loving and gentle and I happy for you to fuck me.  Just not like that.
Please just leave.  I'd prefer it if I didn't see you again for the
remainder of your stay here.'  I was really giving Josh the ice-treatment
and he really did deserve it.  I merely pointed at the door and he left
after dressing himself, without another word with his tail between his
legs.

As my door closed, I pulled my legs up to my chest and wept quietly into my
knees.  After a few moments I heard a light tap on the door and it opened
moments after.  I looked-up and saw Jason looking down on me with a
concerned look on his face.  I am so close to my friends that I was almost
completely unaware that I was naked.  Hell, they've all seen it all before
so what's the biggie?  I hung my head in shame and continued to cry.  Jason
sat beside me and cradled me in his arms.

'Pup, what happened?  What did he do to you?' Jason asked me in a soothing
tone.

'It was my own fault- I let him........you know........and he just turned
into this relentless animal.  I hated every moment of it.  I told him to
leave.'  I sniffed loudly as Jason hugged me tighter.

'I'm proud of you, Pup.'  Jason told me.

'Why?  What have I done to be proud about; I picked-up some random American
guy and freaked out big style.'

'Lee, you would never have done that last week.  I'm proud of you that you
managed to get over your 'greater than thou' attitude and finally took a
plunge.  You can only learn from this experience, Pup.'  I love the way
Jason can be so comical in one sentence and then suddenly be so insightful
and surportive.

'I guess.  Thanks, Jason.  I love you, big guy,' I squeezed Jason tighter.

'You too, Pup. You too,' he whispered as he rocked me slowly.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

This kiss would be their last.  She knew this, but she found it hard to
accept it.  Two years of endless highs and lows.  The high points were like
standing on the highest of all peaks where she could behold all of the
beauty around.  When see could see these views, it seemed that the graceful
creatures of the air would call to her, beckoning, 'Come fly with us.'  It
would seem as if she had finally arrived at her promised land, when all of
her dreams burnt out and she was drowning in guilt once again.

The low points dug a hole for her where she would find herself wallowing in
the slime that filled it.  This is where all of her clutching, snarling
demons dwelled.  The demons that told her what she knew she should do, they
told her which decisions to make.  She knew they were right and that is why
they seemed so evil.  The low points were the ones that tore her apart.

She cherished the moments she kissed him, embraced him.  She could lay all
of her problems on him.  He loved to fill her, destroy her.  She loved the
element of danger he brought into her life.  She was always anticipating
the moments when she would have to say a hurried goodbye and then usher him
out of her window.  She knew why he was with her and that was why she had
to end the bond that they shared.  He was bad news.

This would be her last cigarette.

Estelle swayed in the swirling cloud of smoke as it circled her like a
snake.  the smoke examined the curves and shapes of her body, extending its
flowing tendrils.  The spirals of addiction swam inside her nostrils as
they sucked at the magical air, yearning to be filled.

As Estelle danced in the mass of curling mist, she could see each object in
her room lose their forms as each new branch of smoke came to life.

Estelle whimpered as the filter of her cigarette began to burn ever closer
to her boney claws; she knew it was time.  The ashtray that had been hidden
underneath a blanket roared at Estelle with its gaping pit of a mouth.  It
already held the lifeless matter of previous lost lovers and Estelle did
not want to add her latest love.  As she stubbed out her addiction, Esteele
could her the screams of remorse echoing inside her skull.  Her body
trembled and twitched as the dying fag hissed, 'This is not the last time,
you'll be back for more.'

A knock at her door made Estelle jump and quickly reach for the airspray
and breath freshener that she always used after having a cigarette.
Estelle felt so ashamed that she was so addicted to smoking- she was a
singer, she needed to take care of her voice at all costs.  She always gave
in to the thought of nicotine in-take.

"Hold on a second, I'll be right there," squeeled Estelle as she began to
frantically spray from each of the cans she held.  She couldn't allow
anyone to know about her smoking.

"OK, it's only me, Anna." replied the voice from the other side of the
door.  It seemed odd to Estelle that Anna should be at her door.  They
rarely had tiome for each at the best of times.  She was tempted to ask
Anna to leave and come back later but she was also intrigued as to what
Anna would have to say to her.  Estelle went to her door and opened it to
find Anna smiling at her.  Anna looked beautiful as usual which really
bugged Estelle.

"What can I do for you, Anna?" Estelle asked bluntly, making sure not to
smile back.

"Hi, Estelle.  Um, I could actually do with a good chat if you have any
time to spare?" Anna made sure she was as sweet as possible.

"Um, sure, but why don't you go and talk to Lee or Jason about whatever it
is you want to chat about?"

"Well.....it's about Lee and Jason wouldn't understand," Anna grinned slyly
with her answer and she knew that Estelle would have to let her in; she was
obsessed with Lee and genuinely thought that he would turn straight and
sweep her off her feet.

Estelle was immediately excited about the latest news on Lee and so she
ushered Anna into her room.

"What is that smell?" Anna asked slightly more rudely than she had
intended.

"Just air-freshener, that's all........um.....anyway......so what's the
latest?" Estelle changed the subject nervously.

"It's just Lee, he's being........well, you know how he gets.  He
so.....so.........selfish."

"Selfish?! Why?" Estelle was not thinking of the word 'selfish'; 'gorgeous'
maybe.

"He takes that American guy away from me at his party and he doesn't even
realise who else he's hurting," Anna answered viviously.

"Anna, that guy was gay, right?  So what does it matter that Lee got him,
he wouldn't have gone with you anyway.  What do you mean 'who else he's
hurting'?"

"Well, he may just have annoyed me but I'm sure he hurt one or two other
people."

Estelle knew that she was one of those people, but it wasn't Lee's fault,
he was gay and she had to admit to herself that there was nothing she could
do about that.  She had no right to be hurt really.  Esteele had no idea
who the other person could be.......maybe it was Zack.  He did seem annoyed
when Lee dragged Joshua away from him.  But Zack was always annoyed about
something.

"Look, I give-up.  Who else has Lee hurt, Anna?"

"Don't you see it?  It's so obvious," Anna replied with a huge amount of
malice in her tone, "Jason, you fool, Jason!  I can't believe I'm the only
one who sees it.  Haven't you seen the way Jason takes care of Lee and hugs
him and all that shit?  He's in love with Lee!"

Estelle used to think that Anna was beautiful, but the way she was speaking
about her 'best' friends at this point made her change her mind and feel
slightly sick.  Why couldn't Anna accept that Jason and Lee might just be
close?

"Look, Anna, I don't see it but why does it bother you that Lee is
supposedly hurting Jason- which I don't think he is, and why are you
telling me all of this?"

"I'm telling you because I think everybody should know what Lee is really
like.  He's so selfish and heartless."

"He is not selfish or heartless.  He is kind and caring and just
discovering himself.  Why are you blowing this entirely out of proportion.
What's really bothering you about Lee?"  Estelle couldn't believe she was
standing up to Anna like this, she was usually so intimidated by her.
Estelle really did care for Lee and she didn't want to hear of anyone
bad-mouthing him, especially one of his best friends.

"Let's just say I'm used getting what I want.  I thought you might be able
to help me with this but apparently not," Anna was not impressed with
Estelle.

"Help you with what?"

"I want to break those two up before they start anything and we can keep
the pieces for ourselves.  I'll take Jason and you take Lee."

"Anna, that's a horrible thought.  Anyway, I didn't even think Jason was
gay and I know for a fact that Lee is totally gay," Estelle was slightly
melancholy as she remembered the times she had thrown herself at Lee to be
told countless times that he was gay.  Men only.

"Jason, my dear, is a very confused young man and he has told me in
confidence that he is not sure about what he feels towards Lee.  I've been
his shoulder to cry on for months now and it makes me sick.  I can love him
and take care of him but Lee has to have everything." Anna was being
incredibly patronising in her tone and Estelle really did not like it.  She
had had enough.

"Anna, listen to me; if you try and boycott anything to do with Lee's
happiness then I personally see to it that it is the last thing you do."
It was a sight to see the comparitively small frame of Estelle standing-up
to Anna's tall stature in this way.  However, her threat seemed to work.
Anna turned on her heels and stomped out of the door, slamming it behind
her.  Estelle meant what she had said and even though she would love Lee to
love her, she knew he never would and so, looking out for him would be the
next best thing.  At least she could make him happy in some way.

Estelle was still not sure about what Anna had told her.  She couldn't
believe that Jason was gay or even bisexual.  She had seen him with many
women and he always looked as if he were completely comfortable and happy
in their company.  Estelle had also seen the way Jason fathered Lee and the
way he was also so comfortable and happy around him.  Maybe it wasn't such
a far-fetched notion.  Guys don't have to be completely flaming to be gay
and Estelle saw that in Lee and Jason if indeed he did turn out to be
gay. She was genuinely surprised when Lee had come out to her.

Estelle sighed as she sat herself down on her bed.  Ske looked at the floor
below her and told herself that she would stick to her word- look out for
the guys and maybe she would give-up smoking.  Again.