I stepped on the stool and scanned the loft. I found what I was looking for. I jumped down with a beige steel case in my hand. It was one of those invaluable antiquities that were usually passed on from one generation to another. This one wasn't. My mom had ruthlessly thrown it out of the house for a sale. It has been mine every since I shoplifted our own garage sale.

When I unlocked it and lifted the cover, the intoxicating aroma was sufficient to send my brain on a reverse rollercoaster into my gloomy past. As I opened a manila envelope I could see his face peeking out, teasingly. I removed the first photo. We were standing in front of Andy's house, smiling at the camera. The second one was one of Mom with Andy. She loved him like her own son. Before I could look at the third photograph I heard a knock on the door.

"Jesse you awake?"

"Don't you wanna watch the late night movie??"

"Nah...I am busy with something...maybe later okay?"

"I've got ice-cream!"

"Oh...be right there then!"

Eating ice-cream and catching up with my roommate was at the moment a better use of my time than sobbing over my past.

"Ice-cream does the trick every time doesn't it?"

"You bet" I said, quickly hiding my trunk below my bed and pushing it towards the wall as if it contained secret military documents. "Just a sec Will..."

"Err...if you're masturbating, take your own time okay..."

"NO I am not masturbating!"

Willow was twenty two years old. Although I was only a year and half younger than her, she always treated my like her kid brother. I moved in with her only two months back. Although I was disappointed to get a roommate of the opposite sex, she was a great roomie. As I sat there looking at her big eyes glued to the television, not giving a damn about my presence, I knew she would be there for me when I needed her.

"Hey Jess...grab a spoon...before I empty it.", she said.

One thing that we both couldn't resist is ice cream. We devoured every spoonful of the ice cream watching the late night movie. Willow had to work next day, I had college, and we needed sleep badly. But right now we had the more important task of emptying the ice cream bowl.

*

Walking on the corridors of the university I was still getting used to my new environment. I had embarked a new life...about to pursue my post graduation in one of the - not in any top list - universities. The first day was uneventful. I smiled at myself when I remembered how foolish I had been. I had come in late for my first lecture and was more busy looking around for handsome guys rather than listening to the professor. People were actually looking at me weirdly, probably wondering if I was some kind of freak or they had already perceived that I was.

Today was no different. I looked around again as if I was expecting an angel to drop from the sky. But nothing happened. Everyone was busy talking and so not looking at me...

"Hey Jess..."

It was Pat. I happened to sit with him yesterday and had got acquainted since.

"Hi Pat...what's up man?"

"Did you hear?"

"Hear what?"

"Three guys got kicked out!"

"What?"

"They were terminated from college! They have to get their asses out today."

"But...Why?"

"No idea...rumors say that they were involved in some kind of vandalism..."

"Shit...so they have to quit? That is ridiculous..."

"I guess so..." Pat said, relaxing himself on his chair, "But on the brighter side, the three guys might be replaced by three hot chicks!"

Even though that comment really pissed me off considering my missing angel in this class, I tried to look impressed.

"Yeah? What if they recruit three new guys?" I of course meant three hot athletic clear-cut smooth hunks.

"Boy...you are so pessimistic!"

Only if he knew this boy likes other boys.

I stopped myself from responding. I knew it would get me no where. Even if Pat and I were the last two humans on earth I wouldn't care a rat's ass to tell him I was gay.

As I was waiting for the class to start, the three new guys I hoped for, turned up. To my utter disappointment they were three new GIRLS. Pat had a broad smile on his face and he was already introducing himself to them.

"And this is Jesse..." he said.

"Hi..." I said. I knew it came out worse than I thought. It was as if I wanted to take a magic wand and make them disappear...or better magically convert them into guys. I sulked at my total desperation.

"Hi Jesse...I am Laura...my friends Paula and Dennis" the blond girls said, pointing to two red-heads.

"You are going to love it here..." Pat said, as if he had studied here for years.

"Oh...I am sure" said Paula.

I liked Paula. She has this real sweet innocent voice and something attractive about her that I wanted to get to know her. But I couldn't concentrate in rest of their conversation. I had drifted again, into my past. Thinking of Andy, wishing he'd be here to cheer me up.

"So are you coming...?" the blond girl, Laura, said.

"What?" I asked, as if I just woke up.

"To the party...we'd sure like to know people around here..."

"Ohh...I don't know..." I said. I wasn't in the mood to party. I didn't know what I was in the mood for.

Paula spoke up, "Oh...do come Jess." She called me Jess.

"Ah...I guess I can get to know new people right!"

"We'll be there..." Pat concluded.

After the lecture began I asked Pat what party they were talking about. For a second Pat looked at me weirdly probably wanting to ask, "Where the was your fucking brain man?" He then told me it was a party hosted by the blond girl at her home and made it sound like it was some once in a life time opportunity for us to screw the blond girls and her friends. Straight guys were just extra-horny.

*

I came home only to find Willow missing. She was probably working over time at the hospital. I opened my wardrobe and imagined the possibility of meeting a guy at the party. I immediately stopped myself from getting carried away.

I dressed myself in sand brown jeans and an appropriate shirt to go with it. I knew I dressed well. It was one of those things that you knew without other's confirmation. I took a cab to the party. I promised I would pick up Pat at his place and so I did. We both were in for a shock.

*

When we opened the door to the blond girl's home, we were taken aback the stench at her home. I could smell everything - alcohol...cigarettes and a faint smell which I thought was one of cum. I immediately rejected that thought. If parties were given a scale from one to ten for their dirtiness, I would give this one an eight. The music was obviously too loud...people were dancing...some were lying on the floor looking dead...some were pouring dirnks on the sofa...drinks were everywhere. There was one guy shirtless and trying to stick chips on his nipples. It was insane. I looked at Pat. If he was as shocked as I was, he didn't show. I suddenly realized that my mouth was half open. I closed it. It was going to be a long night.

Five minutes later I found myself sitting on a sofa. Pat was lost in the crowd. To my right was an almost naked girl. She was badly drunk. She was blabbering something. She looked at me, and for a second I was scared.

"Hey...there...you...yeah...you..." she said.

"Yeah?" I asked. I didn't want to get up and leave, because there was no better place.

"Why are you drunk Mr.Tom..."

"But I am not Tom...are you looking for someone?" She was drunk, why was I even talking to her?

"But you are Tom. You have to trust me."

"Okay..."

"And I am Jerry...Okay?"

"Right." I said. I was on the verge of killing myself or someone for coming to this party.

"Good...Now Mr.Tom...I am going to get up and run...and you should chase me...okay?"

"Of course" I smirked. My brain had been switched off long back.

The half naked girl got up and swirled around before falling on top of me.

"Oh...look how fast I am zunning...catch me Mr. Tom...catch me!" she said and closed her eyes.

I was relieved to see that she had passed out. I gently laid her on the sofa. I took the bottle from her hand and started drinking, whatever was in it. It was an incredibly stupid thing to do, but I had already done a lot of stupid things tonight.

Few moments later I got up and while looking at her I walked away, only to hit something.

"Ouch...look where you are going man!" he said.

"Ohh...sorry..." I said, looking down.

When I looked up I was bedazzled. My brain suddenly switched itself on and chemicals were rushing in and out.

"What are you looking at??" he said.

"You are beautiful..." I mumbled.

"WHAT?"

"Ah...you..." I suddenly felt my brain switching off again. I fell down, right on top of the girl on the sofa.

"Hey are you okay?"

I opened my eyes. My brain was struggling to make sense of the signals my eyes were sending.

"I want to see you...I can't see you! Why?" I said.

"Because you had lot more drinks than you can handle dude..." he said.

"No I am not drunk! I had just two..."

"It doesn't matter...looks like this one has something mixed in it" he said holding the girl's hand.

"How can you tell holding her hand?"

"I am holding the bottle not her hand..."

"How coonderful!" I had actually joined two words - cool and wonderful and didn't have a clue.

The guy laughed. I so wanted to see his teeth but couldn't, I was dazed.

Suddenly I started singing.

"Pat and I wore a panty
But they weren't scanty
Blond girl had a party
She forgot to wear the panty."

The guy laughed again. I managed to smile at him. I didn't know why he was laughing. What did I say?

"Oh so I reckon you know Pat! Let me get you something to make you feel better bro..."

"Pat had a cat named Zat...but he didn't like the panty...why-o-why?"

It was minutes later that I realized that the guy had left me. I could see birds swimming in the floor and fishes in the sky. Suddenly I saw giant shoe.

"Here...this should make you feel better..." The guy was back. He had brought something in a cup.

"Nice shoes man...give them to me..." I blabbed.

I tried to drink from the cup, but couldn't find my mouth. Fed up, the guy grabbed the cup from my hand and helped me find my mouth.

"I hate orange juice..." I said.

"That isn't orange juice...its strong coffee" he said.

"But it is red you fool!"

"Just lie down here...and you will feel better tomorrow morning."

The last thing I remembered before passing out was someone removing my clothes.