Date: Mon, 19 Sep 2011 22:41:04 +0100
From: Kyro Clark <kyro3@hotmail.co.uk>
Subject: Glitter and Trauma 10

=========================================================================
Disclaimer.

This story is a work of fiction although it is loosely based on the real
life experiences of the author.  This story contains graphical depictions
of sexual contact between two adult males. This story also contains harsh
language or swearing and depicts scenes of alcohol and drug use. It should
not be read by anyone where it is illegal to read such material and should
not be read by anyone under the age of 18.

The author retains the copyright, and any other rights to this story. This
story may not be published, copied or redistributed in any way without the
explicit consent of the author.

=================================================================================

Authors note.

Hey! So I've started back uni and hopefully that means I'll be able to get
the chapters out a bit more frequently now. Guy is continuing to edit for
me (which I'm thankful for) and has worked his magic on this chapter. A few
people have asked how I'm doing in emails they've sent, I've picked myself
up and I'm doing fine now so thanks for all the support people. Also,
thanks for the feedback, it's great to hear everyone's take on the events
of the story and I have to admit that to a degree *SPOILER ALERT* I don't
think Jamie was responsible for the events of the last chapter (but perhaps
I'm just biased).


Send any feedback to:          kyro3@hotmail.co.uk

Thanks in advance :D
=========================================================================

RECAP:

After the movie, it was still relatively early so we decided to walk home
through the park, it was dark but there were plenty of street lamps
illuminating the park pathways.

"That movie was amazing! The part where the zombie started eating her face
and it showed you her eyeball and eye socket being eaten was awesome!"

"It was pretty cool," Ryan said. He was walking alongside me with his hands
in his pockets looking pretty distracted.

"Cool? It ate her face, her actual face! What about the part where the guy
took a chainsaw and started charging at the zombies? Not exactly a genius
is he? What a way to protect your family, by getting yourself eaten...
idiot." I began walking backwards now in front of Ryan. "I'm not ashamed to
admit that I've seriously thought of what to do if there was a zombie
apocalypse. Firstly - " I was about to tell Ryan all about my survival
plans when his head suddenly darted forward, his lips pressed firmly
against mine and he kissed me.

We broke apart and I stood still looking at him transfixed and shocked. He
stared back into my eyes questioningly, I felt his gaze pierce right
through me.

"What the fuck was that?" I blurted out.

Ryan's eyes unmistakeably widened, "N-N-Nothing, I've gotta go," he said
stuttering before walking past me and speeding away along the path. I stood
rooted to the spot as I watched him pace along the winding path and turn
the corner, what had just happened?

=================================================================================
Glitter & Trauma
Chapter 10 - Repairing glass.
By Kyro

I tore through the cold night, the icy air blasting into my lungs as I ran
off the illuminated path into the dense trees, the darkness consuming me as
I tried to keep my bearings in the heavy foliage. I mentally cursed myself
as I tripped over something small and solid, for all the running I did,
none of it was geared towards sprinting. I could jog for ever and ever but
I was lousy at sprinting. I picked myself up and continued to run and
stumble for a minute or so until I came out at the exit of the park, the
same exit Ryan would have to walk out of. I looked around for any sign of
him but saw nothing. I slumped down at the gate, panting. Maybe he was
still walking up the path? I decided to wait, hoping that he would still
emerge from the park. 5 minutes... 10 minutes... 20 minutes passed by.

Eventually I picked myself up and walked back to the flat defeated. I
couldn't believe how I had reacted, I had fantasised about kissing Ryan for
the past few years. Actually, I'd fantasised about doing a lot more than
just kissing, but it had always seemed like a wild fantasy with zero chance
of ever happening. But it had, and I had fucked it up, 'What the fuck was
that?' The words replayed in my head over and over as I entered the flat. I
walked into the living room; Alex was still sitting on the couch playing
the Xbox. There were 2 or 3 beer cans lying around.

"No one to drink with?" I asked.

"Hey, no, nobody to drink with," he said sullenly.  "How'd your night go?"

"There's some Vodka and stuff under the sink, I'll go and get it." I walked
into the kitchen and fetched the bottle of Vodka, turning to head back into
the living room but Alex was standing at the door.

"Jesus! What the fuck happened to you? Did you run through a fucking
field?"

"Don't ask."

"What happened? How'd your night go?"

"I'm home before 12 and I have a bottle of Vodka in my hand."

"What happened?" he asked again.

"I just don't wanna talk about it. Grab some cups and the rest of the beers
form the fridge."

Alex sighed, moved towards me and put his hand on my shoulder, "Don't sweat
it mate."

                                                                           *

I was standing in a darkened hallway with a wooden floor at my feet. I
looked around and there were paintings on the walls, paintings of faces all
starting at me, judging me. I took a step forwards whilst trying to ignore
the paintings, the sound of my footsteps echoed off the walls around me.
Suddenly a light came on, illuminating the hall in front of me. My family
were there, staring. I stood there looking back at them unsure what to
say. They didn't seem happy, they were still angry at me for being gay.

I looked at each of their faces and felt a pang of guilt in my stomach; I
had torn the family apart and I knew it, and so did they. I tried to reach
out to them, touch them but they were too far away so I tried to take a
step forwards but my feet were rooted to the floor. I swallowed hard as I
was about to apologise for tearing the family apart, I flicked my hair out
of my eyes and tried to speak but I couldn't, my throat was tightening up
and it was becoming difficult to breath, I bent over and reached for my
throat as I began to gulp for air, my hair fell over my face blocking my
family from view as I gasped for air.

Then I felt something strange and wiry forcing its way down my oesophagus,
I reached up and felt that it was my hair! It was growing and forcing its
way down my throat, choking me as it did so. I tried pulling it out but it
was no use, it was too strong! I fell to my knees as my hair engulfed my
vision and began constricting my chest from the inside. I lay on the floor
desperately clutching at my chest and reaching out to my family who were
barely visible through my hair, "help me," I pleaded, but they just stood
there. They just stood there and watched as all the life was choked from my
very body, "HELP!"

I jerked awake and looked around me, the living room was spinning slightly
and my heart was hammering in my chest. I took a deep breath as the
perspiration on my face dripped onto my chest cooling my fever-like
temperature. I was lying on the couch in the living room next to Alex, we
had sat up most of the night drinking and we must have fallen asleep, I
rubbed the sweat from my forehead, I had had nightmares almost every night
since I moved in to the flat but when I had been drunk, there had been
respite, not tonight though. I slumped back down on the couch getting
myself more comfortable; I was still drunk and definitely needed some more
sleep.

I felt my whole body shake and judder as I opened my eyes; Alex was
standing over me shaking me awake with a cup of coffee in his other hand.

"Here," he thrust the coffee towards me. I lifted my head up off the couch
were I had been sleeping.

"What time is it?" I croaked

"It's almost 2."

I sighed heavily before I took the cup from Alex's hand and sat up; the
room was too bright so I closed my eyes.

"How you feeling?" Alex asked.

"Ill."

"No wonder, you pretty much drank a litre of vodka and a half dozen cans."

"You were drinking the vodka too," I pointed out.

"I had three vodkas," Alex said simply.

"Lightweight," I said before smiling. I heard Alex let out a small chortle.

"Why did you wake me up anyway?" I asked.

Just then I heard the living room door screech open and felt a blast of air
cool my hot, sticky skin indicating that someone had just walked into the
room, "Afternoon," a gruff voice said. It was probably John I thought.

"Afternoon," Alex said perkily.

"You disgust me," I muttered to Alex, annoyed at his bouncy mood.

"I'm watching the TV in 5 minutes," John said stiffly as he disappeared
into the kitchen.

"No probs," Alex replied.

"Are you two gonna clear this fucking place up anytime soon? It's a mess
and it stinks."

"I'm on it," Alex replied.

"Jesus, what's his problem?" I muttered.

"Leave it," I heard Alex whisper to me from across the room.

"What?" John barked from the kitchen.

"Nothing," I muttered.

I sat in the same position, with my eyes closed, nursing my coffee as Alex
cleaned up around me.

"Aren't you gonna help him? It was you who made most of this mess," John
barked.

"Jesus, get off my back, I've got a hangover for fucks sake. Alex, I'll get
it next time, is that cool?"

"It's fine man, I'll help you into your room."

"I'm fine; just leave me here for a bit. Any motion could be fatal in terms
of emptying the contents of my stomach," I complained.

I heard Alex give a small laugh and I smiled, John sat down on the couch
opposite me and sighed heavily; obviously he had spoken to Ryan. I leaned
back into the couch as I thought about last night with Ryan. What happened?
I know he kissed me, but after the kiss he just paused and gawked at me
like I was some sort of zoo animal. I don't like people staring at me,
especially when they're making eye contact, it was weird and I panicked, my
mind went from being totally blank to just blurting out the first thing
that came into it, my words came out hostile; aggressive even.

I felt Alex sit down next to me; this was strange as he usually sat on the
opposite couch. I couldn't help but feel that there was a tiny war being
waged in the living room and Alex sitting next to me was a sign that he was
on my side. My mind drifted back to Ryan, I liked him, I liked him a lot
and for a long time, but when he kissed me I became afraid. Was that the
type of person I was becoming?  Am I the type of person who is afraid to
form relationships and bonds with people just because my fucked up family
rejected me? Was I becoming emotionally damaged? My family may be able to
take certain things away from me; my home; my best friend; my old life; but
they aren't going to stop me from having friends and being me, I believe in
people, in friends, in not going through life alone.

"Where does Ryan live?" I asked John suddenly opening my eyes; I felt a
resurgent defiance flow through me as my eyes winced; it was unbelievably
bright in the living room.

"He doesn't wanna see you."

Great! "Is that what he said or what you say?"

John turned to look at me, he looked pretty menacing and if I wasn't still
partially drunk I probably would have backed down, but I had just enough
liquid courage in me to stand my ground without being hostile towards him.

"Why do you wanna see him?"

"That's between me and him," I replied trying to sound firm but
non-provocative.

"I'm his mate."

"I know, but it's still between me and him."

"Not good enough."

I sighed heavily, annoyed at how arrogant John was being, I could easily
ask Alex where Ryan stayed and I'm sure he would tell me but I thought it
would be better if it came from John.

"I wanna talk to him about... last night... and... apologise and stuff..."
I said feeling uncomfortable; this was an awkward enough conversation to
have with Ryan never mind John.

"You'd better go and get showered first," Alex said.

I turned and looked at him, he widened his eyes. I think I knew what he was
trying to tell me, if I went and got a shower then he'd try and convince
John for me.

"I'm gonna go get a shower just now," I announced before I left the room.

I had a shower and dressed myself quickly; I was wearing my last pair of
clean jeans and would have to get Alex to show me how to use the washing
machine soon. I was anxious to see Ryan as soon as possible so after I
drank two Alka-Seltzer's and fed my fish before I headed into the living
room to find Alex and John sitting watching the TV.

"Blueberry muffins," John said.

I looked at John and then to Alex utterly lost. "What?"

"Ryan loves Blueberry muffins, I bought him a pack that I was gonna take
over later, they're in the kitchen lying on the worktop. He lives six flats
over that way and round the corner," John said pointing towards the
TV. "Number 161, flat 2/2"

A smile spread across my face, "Thanks," I looked to Alex and mouthed the
word thanks to him.

I picked up the muffins from the kitchen and then headed out onto the
street with a sense of excitement in my limbs, hoping I could fix this,
hoping that Ryan and I weren't over before we had even got to know each
other. I counted the flats as I walked past them, 4... 5... 6... Number
161. I approached the heavy looking wooden door and gave it a tentative
push, if it were shut, then I would have to buzz Ryan and I somehow doubt
he would let me in, thankfully the door gave way to the little pressure I
applied and I walked inside. I walked up the stairs and stood outside the
door of flat number 2/2.

The excitement which was flowing through my extremities moments ago had
been replaced by dread and fear. What if he didn't want to see me? What if
he was pissed off and started shouting at me? I made a mental note to hold
my temper, the last thing I needed was to start running my mouth off and
make matters worse, which wasn't uncommon for me when I was feeling
pressured or nervous. I wiped the palms of my hands on my t-shirt and took
a deep breath before I knocked. I could hear people on the other end of the
door moving around before I heard footsteps getting closer. The door swung
open and Rebecca stood there staring at me, her face hardened immediately.

"What?" She barked.

I cleared my throat, "Is - Is Ryan there?" I stuttered.

"He's busy."

"Can you tell him I'm here, please?"

"He doesn't want to talk to you."

So much for him being busy, at least we've dispersed with the niceties.

"Look, I don't know what you heard, or how much you've heard, but I didn't
mean to fuck up and I just want to apologise to him." Apparently Ryan had
taken my outburst worse than I thought.

I could see Rebecca's face soften although she was trying desperately not
to show it. Finally she relented and opened the door fully, "He's in the
living room, you've got five minutes and then I'm letting Danny in."

Jesus, she made Danny sound like a terrier. I walked in through the front
door, "Thanks."

She closed the door behind me, "Wait here," she said before she disappeared
into a room at the end of the hallway. A few moments passed and I began
bouncing my leg on the ball of my foot. My palms were becoming really
sweaty and I was constantly wiping them on my jeans, the heat in this flat
was sickening. Eventually I heard a scuffle of feet and the scraping of
chairs and then the door Rebecca had entered a few moments ago opened and
out of it came Danny, Louise and Rebecca. Danny came bursting through it
and headed straight through the door on the opposite side of the hall
without a sideways glance at me, Louise gave me a sharp look and then
finally Rebecca stopped in the hall, "He's in there," she said pointing to
the door everyone had come out of, "You've got five minutes."

I nodded my head gravely and swallowed hard as I walked towards the room. I
stepped over the boundary into a large, bright and spacious living room
with the butterflies in my stomach making me feel nauseous, my oldest tell
began to show; my hands were shaking, I put them in my pockets to hide my
trepidation. There was a large flat screen TV on the wall and an expensive
looking Hi-Fi sitting in the corner. There were a few couches and a few
chairs scattered around the room. Ryan was sitting on a two-seater couch
with his legs pulled up alongside himself. He was wearing a pair of
sunglasses and was staring off out the window disparagingly. I made my way
over towards him and sat down on the edge of the couch tentatively.

"Hey," I said, hoping to start things off well.

"What do you want?"

I scrunched my left hand up into a fist; I hope I haven't fucked this
up. "I just wanted to give you these," I said before moving the muffins
towards him. "And I also wanted to say that I'm sorry... for last night I
mean." Nice one genius, of course for last night.

"Don't apologise."

"But I have to."

"I don't need you feeling sorry for me," Ryan said with the anger rising in
his voice.

I took a deep breath, "Last night when you kissed me," I heard a cracking
noise and I looked down at Ryan's socked feet, he was scrunching his toes
up, clearly he was uncomfortable. "Last night when you kissed me," I began
again, "I was totally shocked. I thought you were straight and I thought
you didn't really like me. You kept giving me the cold shoulder and
stuff..."

"It was just a mistake, forget about it," Ryan cut me off.

Is that what he really thought? Was it some sort of sexual experiment for
him? Was I just a guinea pig to him? I didn't want to believe that. Surely
I was worth more than that? "Are you -" I broke off unsure if I should ask
this question, "Are you... gay?"

Ryan stood up at this point, "like I said, it was just a mistake; I don't
wanna talk about it anymore."

I stood up too, "A mistake?" I repeated disappointed. "It didn't think it
was a mistake," I grumbled more to myself than Ryan. "Last night I totally
froze and fucked up," I said finding my voice. "But it still felt... nice
and stuff," I said while I reached across and held my left elbow with my
right hand.  Ryan didn't say anything so I continued, "Last night, getting
something to eat, sitting next to you in the pictures, walking home with
you, it didn't really... you know... feel like a night out with two mates,"
I said hoping that he would understand what I meant. "It felt like... like
a date or something..." I trailed off. "I didn't realise that at the time
and I know I fucked up, you just totally caught me off guard, I can't
stress the last part enough - "

Rebecca walked into the room, "time's up."

"Just gimme two more secs," I said before I turned back to Ryan. I was
beginning to feel pressured and I didn't know if Ryan was responding to any
of this, I couldn't get a read on him because of those sunglasses. I
stepped closer to him, "Go out with me," I uttered in hushed tones hoping
to keep the conversation private from Rebecca. "Go out on a date with me, I
don't care whether you're bi or gay or experimenting or confused or just
looking for a guinea pig or whatever, just go out on a date with me this
Friday," I pleaded solemnly.

"I think you should leave now," Rebecca said again.

I stood staring at the darkened glasses that completely hid his eyes from
me, desperate for him to say yes or give me some sign.

"Let's go," Rebecca said while putting her hand on my shoulder and turning
me towards the door. I walked backwards for a few steps hoping that Ryan
would give me an answer but when I walked through the door into the hall it
became apparent that he had given me his answer. I walked out of the flat
and out into the street. The rain was lashing down onto the grey pavement
and I made no attempt to try and keep myself dry. I looked up to the grey
sky and felt the large drops of rain land on my face; I had fucked this up,
big time.

                                                                                   *

I lay on me bed listening to the bubbles of the air pump in my fish tank
rise and then disappear with a faint pop whilst staring at the ceiling. To
any onlooker it must have seemed like I was staring absent-mindedly, but I
wasn't, my mind was racing with what I had dubbed Ryan-gate. I don't know
why I was so oblivious to this at the time but the entire notion of
everybody suddenly deciding that they didn't want to go to the pictures was
completely heinous. Perhaps it was just because I was so excited to be
alone with Ryan that I didn't realise that the whole night out with him was
a set-up.

Ryan's friends had all pulled out one by one so that it was just me and him
at the pictures, this thought gave me encouragement that Ryan maybe liked
me as something more than a friend but it also brought another truth to
light, Alex was in on it. I had thought that it was strange the way he
seemed to be looking forward to going to the pictures one minute and then
seemed totally disinterested in it the next but I completely ignored my
better judgement and let the whole issue slide.

KNOCK KNOCK!

I jumped out of my skin as someone rattled my bedroom door.

"Go away," I replied tediously.

KNOCK KNOCK!

"GO AWAY!"

"It's Alex."

"Go away!"

I heard my room door swing open; I buried my face in my pillow.

"Jesus! You're still in your bed. It's been two whole days."

"I don't wanna get up."

Alex sighed, "Aren't you gonna get up and have something to eat? It's 8
o'clock and you've been in here for 2 whole days."

"I know how long I've been in here," I added bitterly.

Alex sighed, "Are you gonna go to uni tomorrow?"

"We don't have uni tomorrow," I pointed out.

Alex sighed again, "You're just stewing in here, you've gotta get outta bed
and get up and get on with it."

"Thanks for the motivational speech," I said snidely. The truth is I had
been out of my bed, I had spent ages sitting in front of my fish tank
watching my amphibious friends meander about their tank, I enjoyed nothing
more than just watching them peacefully float about their tank while I told
them all my problems, but because I hadn't been outside my room and because
I hadn't been dressed Alex just assumed I had spent all day in bed.

The incident with Ryan hadn't angered me, it hadn't hurt me; it just
further deepened my apathy. It was just another fiasco to throw on top of
the pile of social failures that my life seems to have been blessed with
recently. I put it to the back of my mind along with what happened with my
family and my friends, trying to convince myself that it was nothing worth
worrying about.

"It's eight o'clock so most of the day is gone already, but tomorrow I'm
gonna come in here and annoy you until you get up."

I sighed deeply, "why didn't you go to the pictures the other night?"

"What?"

"I said why didn't you go to the pictures the other night, with me and Ryan
I mean?"

"I didn't wanna."

"But you were up for going right up until about an hour beforehand. In
fact, you were up for going right up until I left for the shower, when John
came in," I remembered.

Alex shifted uncomfortably on the edge of my bed. "I just didn't wanna go,
it had nothing to do with anyone," he said adamantly.

I arched my brow totally unconvinced, "You and Ryan seem to be becoming
good friends all of a sudden."

"What do you mean 'all of a sudden?' I've known him for ages."

"But you haven't always been close, you said so yourself."

"And?"

"And now you're pretty much best of friends."

"Hardly. What's your point?" Alex said with a little hint of annoyance in
his voice.

"Just that you and 4 other people all pull out of going to the pictures on
the same night leaving me and Ryan all alone seems a bit... coincidental."

"And?"

"And am I expected to believe that that was a coincidence?"

Alex shifted uncomfortably again on the edge of my bed.

"Ryan asked you not to go, didn't he? I don't know why but he and you have
become tight recently and he asked you not to go and you agreed, didn't
you?"

Alex never said a word.

"Why are you not saying anything? I thought we were mates?"

"We are, it's just... I can't tell you. I promised that I wouldn't tell
anyone."

"Tell anyone what?"

"I can't tell you," Alex repeated.

"But who did you promise, you don't have to tell me what it is just who you
promised."

"Don't ask me to break confidences, Jamie."

"Oh, so it's OK for you to practically lie to me but you won't even tell me
who you promised something to."

"When did I practically lie to you?" Alex asked starting to get distressed.

"When you said you didn't want to come to the pictures because you couldn't
be arsed, that was a lie and you know it. You knew Ryan wanted to go out
with just me and him and you didn't tell me beforehand, you didn't even
give me a heads up. You talk about breaking confidences? You didn't seem to
mind setting me up without any warning even though you knew I liked Ryan."

Alex stood up and straightened his t-shirt, "I've got a date that I'm gonna
be late for, I'll be in tomorrow to make sure you get up," he walked
towards my door; apparently that was the end of the conversation.

"Whatever."


                                                                                *

KNOCK KNOCK!

"Alex, GO AWAY! I know it's Wednesday and I'll get up when I'm good and
ready."

"It's not Alex," came a deep voice from the other side of my door, "It's
Ben."

Great. "I'm busy just now," I lied.

"No you're not. You're lying in your bed doing nothing, I'm coming in."

"NO! DON'T COME IN!" I shouted trying to keep Ben on the other side of the
threshold.

Ben popped his head round the side of my door, "Geez, what's your problem?"

I sighed loudly as for the second time in two days someone entered my room
against my wishes. It was my room, it was private and I didn't want
everyone just walking in and out of it.

"Nice room," Ben said.

"What do you want?"

"Jesus, chirpy aren't we?"

"If you're just here to add to the general sarcasm levels of the room then
you can leave."

"Alex told me what happened and mentioned that you're sulking in your
room."

I rolled over on top of my bed (I wasn't under the covers but I was
dressed) and I looked at Ben. I was ready to argue with him about his
'sulking' comment, but I just couldn't be bothered. I exhaled heavily,
"whatever," I said before I rolled over again with my back to Ben.

"You look like shit."

"Is this your plan for cheering me up? Abuse? Next it'll be reverse
psychology or you'll blame my mood on my mother or something."

"Clearly I'm dealing with someone who is an expert in Freud."

"Clearly," I sarcastically echoed, "Look I don't mean to be a dick but I
just wanna be left alone. I've already promised Alex that I'm gonna go to
uni tomorrow and I got up and ate some cereal this morning before I got
dressed, so there's nothing to worry about, you can ask Alex if you don't
believe me," I said uninterestedly. I just wanted to be left alone and even
holding this short conversation with Ben felt like a chore. I felt so
unenergetic.

"I know, he told me," he paused for a minute, I could tell he was trying to
find a conversation starter, wasn't I making myself clear enough? I just
wanted to be left alone. "So I like your room and that but, what exactly do
you do?"

"What?" I asked confused and annoyed.

"What do you do?"

"What do you mean, 'what do you do?'" I mimicked with a hint of annoyance.

"You've got a pretty cool room with nice wallpaper and stuff, and your fish
and fish tank are awesome, but you don't have a PC, you don't have a
console, there are no books or DVD's and no sign of any hobbies or past
times. So I ask again, what do you do?"

"I used to play the guitar," I replied slightly annoyed at his suggestion
that I didn't do anything or have any hobbies.

"Used to?"

"Long story, I don't have a guitar anymore," I brooded.

"How come?"

"What the fuck's with the twenty questions?" I snapped.

"Nothing, nothing. What sort of guitar did you have?"

I sighed as he asked me another question, "It was a black and orange
sunburst Gibson."

"A Gibson? But you listen to blues."

"Beggars can't be choosers, it was a gift. And I listen to more than just
blues."

"You need to get an archtop."

"I saw a bottle green and cream archtop guitar like the one Jack White uses
the other day," I sighed knowing that I'd never have the money to own one.

"Sounds silky."

I sighed annoyed that he seemed hell-bent on getting a conversation out of
me.

"Well I've got about twenty different sports clubs to keep me occupied,"
Ben announced.

"Thanks for that info," I added bitterly.

Ben shrugged off my snide comment, "So are you gonna get out of this bed
today?" he said shaking my knee.

"No," I said monotonously.

"I thought you'd say that," Ben said before he began to make a lot of
noise, I rolled over as he pulled out what I thought looked like a laptop.

"It's a portable Blu-ray player," he said almost reading my mind, "Knowing
you as a bit of a geek I brought the Lord of the Rings trilogy, we're gonna
watch the special extended version and pig out on pizza until you either
wanna talk about Ryan or your mood improves."

I winced as Ben mentioned Ryan's name, "Is that right?"

"Mmm hmm," Ben uttered matter-of-factly. "We're gonna have to order
Dominoes as Spearo doesn't deliver, but I think a bit of double decadence
will compensate for the fact the Dominoes on average, offers a far lesser
pizza experience than Spearo's."

"I have no money whatsoever," I deadpanned.

"Jesus, don't be such a bore, if I didn't know any better I'd say you
didn't want me here."

"I don't," I added becoming more annoyed.

"Nonsense, anyway I'm thinking ham, pepperoni and chicken on the pizza, any
objections?"

I grunted in annoyance at his constant questions.

"Excellent!"

Ben kicked his shoes off and shuffled up close to me so that we were lying
side by side. I looked up to him as he sat with his back against my
headboard, "Comfy?" I asked him.

"Quite," he said while he started the movie and pulled his mobile out of
his pocket to order the pizza.

I shook my head at his jovial stubbornness, he really wasn't going
anywhere, I sighed exasperated.

                                                                                   *

"So are you gonna tell me what happened?"

"Leave me alone," I answered.

"Alex, couldn't you ask John what happened?" Ben asked.

"He won't tell me."

Ben sighed, "So are we just gonna go on like this? With Jamie moping away
all day long?"

"No one asked you to sit next to me."

"How can we resist that charm?" Alex teased sarcastically.

"Such warmth and cordiality. Come on, cheer up, it's pay day for Christ
sake," Ben added.

"I liked it better when you two didn't get on," I needled. "Why'd you have
to apologise to him, Alex?"

That seemed to do the trick and silenced both of them.

We were waiting on the last lecture of the day. Ben and Alex had spent the
previous lectures trying to cheer me up with no success, knowing that I was
bringing them down was only making me feel worse, I had dragged myself out
of bed this morning with the intention of coming to uni and getting over
the Ryan incident, but I couldn't, I physically couldn't. I felt so down,
nothing was going for me in my life at the moment and everything was a
struggle. Even the friendships I have with Alex and Ben hadn't come without
hard work. It shouldn't be like that, things shouldn't always be this
difficult! But I just couldn't bring myself to do anything about it. I
didn't want to talk to my family, I didn't want to talk to Tweak and I
didn't want to go over every gory detail about what happened with Ryan. I
sighed, I couldn't get up from this down; everything was weighing on me,
why was I such a fuck up? I stood up.

"Where are you going? Ben and Alex asked.

"I forgot, I've got some stuff to do today."

"What stuff?" Alex asked.

"Bank stuff," I lied coolly.

"Why can't you do it later?" Ben asked.

"Because I've got an appointment," I said while I pushed past Alex. "See
you later," I said trying to keep my voice as up-beat as possible.

I walked down the stairs towards the exit and covertly searched the first
few rows for Ryan or Danny; I couldn't see them and hadn't seen either of
them all day. I walked onto the street and then entered the park, the rain
started again. I loved the feeling of the rain on the bare skin of my arms;
I sat down on a park bench while the rain around me intensified. People
were taking shelter behind trees and running to and fro trying desperately
to stay dry. I sat on the bench, letting the rain consume me, drench me and
drown me. Why were people trying to avoid the inevitable? They were going
to get wet; there wasn't an umbrella or a raincoat in the world that could
prevent that, not in this weather. It was raining sideways for Christ's
sake!

I sat on the bench and let the rain soak through me, I didn't move, I
didn't think, I just sat there and watched the raindrops hit the puddle
forming at my feet. After a few hours I felt the temperature drop and the
water that had soaked through me became unbearably cold. I stood up and
began traipsing through the puddles back towards the flat. I didn't bother
sticking to the paths, I was already soaked and muddy; walking through the
trees wasn't going to worsen that. I walked through the front door of the
flat and peeled off my Converse. My socks were stained from the muddy water
so I shed them as well.

"What the fuck? Was the bank underwater?"

I looked up and through my hair I could see Alex standing at the other end
of the hall.

"I need some towels."

"They're in the living room, I'm doing a wash."

I walked into the living room behind Alex; John was sitting on the couch
with Alex standing behind him. I walked over to the pile of towels, took
one, and began vigorously rubbing my hair. The warmth from the towel
radiated through my hair and warmed my face.

"Friday night, eight o'clock," John said.

I stopped drying my hair and looked round at John, did he mean what I think
he meant?

"What?" I questioned.

"Ryan said he'll be ready for eight on Friday night. I think you'd do well
not to be late."

I stood looking at John and then I looked up to Alex. He was grinning madly
at me and giving me the thumbs up behind John's back. I picked up another
towel and then walked back to my room, I sat on the edge of my bed, still
soaking, perplexed at what had happened. Hadn't Ryan been totally
unresponsive to me on Sunday? Why the change of heart? Was he even gay? I
shook my head confused as I stared at my fish, "OK, I've got another head
fuck for you lot."

To Be Continued...
Send any feedback to:      kyro3@hotmail.co.uk
I hope you enjoyed it and thanks for reading!!!

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Editor's note:

Could things be about to turn around for Jamie, or is Ryan just going
through a phase? I guess we will have to wait for the next chapter to find
out.

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