Date: Fri, 15 Jun 2012 18:47:43 +0100 From: Michael King Subject: Glitter and Trauma 17 ============================================================================== Disclaimer. This story is a work of fiction although it is loosely based on the real life experiences of the author. This story contains graphical depictions of sexual contact between two adult males. This story also contains harsh language or swearing and depicts scenes of alcohol and drug use. It should not be read by anyone where it is illegal to read such material and should not be read by anyone under the age of 18. The author retains the copyright, and any other rights to this story. This story may not be published, copied or redistributed in any way without the explicit consent of the author. ============================================================================= Authors note. Hey! So I thought I'd be able to get this out last week but got caught up writing another story. I've been in absolute writing overdrive lately! I've managed to bag myself a Beta reader for one of my stories (the one about angels) but I'm still looking for beta readers for my other projects. Volunteers welcome! Hehehe. I don't think people are going to like this chapter, there's a lot going on in it behind the scenes which is fun to write, but maybe not so great to read. Not only that, but I had to cut A LOT of it as it was nearly 12,000 words again :p (like I said, writing overdrive!) I guess this chapter's kind of personal to me, as I sort of feel the same way Jamie does. But like him, I'm working on it. Finally, in case anyone doesn't know, I finished writing my other story, The Truth about Coming Out, which is also on Nifty. It's in the Gay/Male/College section. In the author's note on the last chapter of that story, I give you a brief run-down of the other stories I'm working on. Also, yeah... I messed up the chapter numbers on my last post. lol....ooooops! THIS is chapter 17. As usual, thanks to Josh for editing, you do a great job and thanks to everyone for all the emails. Believe it or not, I've actually caught up and managed to reply to every email that everyone has sent me! Blue Peter badge for me ^_^ Send any feedback to: kyro3@hotmail.co.uk and feel free to add me on MSN for a chat. Also, follow my blog/follow me on Tumblr. I have tonnes of stuff on their and even one or two shorts and oneshots that aren't uploaded anywhere else. http://mad-rocket-scientist.tumblr.com/ ================================================================================= RECAP: "I'm drunk," Ryan announced. I couldn't help but smile. "Me too." "I'm sooooooo happy we're boyfriends, I really like you," Ryan gushed. I beamed back at him. "I'm happy too." "We'll talk tomorrow? Right?" Ryan asked. "Yeah." Ryan stepped towards me and planted his lips on mine. The kiss was a bit more drunken and sloppy but just as amazing as the last two. I loved how he wrapped his arms around me. It felt great to have this level of physical contact with anyone; it had been so long since I last touched another human being like this. After a few seconds of tongue action, Ryan broke the kiss and tried to nibble slightly on my lip before pulling away with it still in his mouth like he did earlier. But he was drunk and did so far too roughly; he bit down harshly on my lip and dragged his teeth along my lip causing me pain. If it weren't for the alcohol I would have screamed out, but it took a while for the pain to register in my mind and when it had, Ryan was standing in front of me smiling the most beautiful smile I had ever seen. My god this boy was so dreamy! "I'll see you tomorrow," he said as he backed up towards the exit of the living room. I smiled as he disappeared through the exit and into the hallway. I licked my bottom lip and could taste blood. He must have bitten down on me really hard to have made me bleed! And what the hell did I do to annoy him so much earlier on? The look he gave me was downright frightening! I sighed... who cares? I've got a boyfriend: a tall, beautiful guy who's as interested in me as I am him. Who cares if he's a little bit strange and a little bit moody? We had all been drinking tonight, I'm sure it was just something to do with him having too much to drink. I seem to remember him saying a while back that he doesn't drink too often. He was probably drunk... Hell, I'm drunk! I'm drunk on Ryan! ================================================================================= Glitter & Trauma Chapter 17 - It's Never Easy By Kyro I sat at the table in the kitchen of our flat wearing nothing but a pair of grey sweat pants. It was almost four o'clock in the afternoon and I had just made it out of bed. I was trying to gently chew my cereal without moving my head. It was ringing with a hangover. I heard a knock at the front door and I gripped my spoon all the more tightly. 'Fuck it! They can go away. I'm not getting up.' Another, more urgent knock came and then I heard someone's room door opening. Apparently either Alex or John had gotten up to answer the door. I heard muffled voices and then I'm sure I heard the door to the living room being opened. It was probably Rebecca and John. I fired another spoonful of cereal into my mouth and began crunching away when I heard the kitchen door being opened. I couldn't even find the strength to turn round and mutter a 'hello' but I soon felt something land on top of my head that made me jump. I flinched and looked around to see Ryan standing over me having just placed a kiss on the top of my head. It should be illegal to look that good, especially after staying up most of the night drinking. He hadn't straightened his hair this morning and it was starting to curl ever so slightly at the edges. I think I actually like it more this way. His lips looked so seductive. God, I wanted to throw him down on the table and just assault those lips with mine. He was standing with a huge grin on his face, but the grin was quickly disappearing. "Sorry, I didn't know it was you," I apologised for flinching. "What happened to you?" Ryan asked. Great, that's exactly what you want to hear your boyfriend tell you after a heavy night of drinking. "I've got a hangover," I replied indignantly. I was very aware that I was sitting topless now. "Not that, your lip. It's all swollen and bruised and..." Ryan leaned in closer to get a better look. "...bloody." I moved my hand up to my lip and winced slightly as I touched it. I had a quick flashback to the kiss Ryan gave me before he left the flat last night. "Eh... it was kind of your fault." "Me?" Ryan asked shocked. "Eh... yeah. Before you left last night you kissed me and then bit on my lip a little bit too hard." He dragged the chair to my right closer to me and then sat on it. He took my hand in his. "I swear to god, Jamie. I never meant to bite you that hard, it was an accident." I could see him getting flustered; I think he is overreacting a bit. "Don't worry about it, it's not even that bad." "It looks terrible." "Thanks," I said trying to make a joke to lighten the mood. Ryan began rambling. "I didn't mean it like that. I mean, YOU look great. AMAZING even. Especially without your top on." I could feel myself start to blush again and I let my hair fall over my face to try and hide it. Should I still blush like this even though we're boyfriends now? "Thanks," I muttered. Ryan got up without a word and made his way out of the kitchen. "Charming," I grumbled into my empty cereal bowl. A few moments later he returned with some cotton wool and a bottle of antiseptic spray. "It's really not that bad, honestly," I smiled, trying to reassure him. "Are you finished eating?" "Yeah, but honestly, you don't have to." Ryan tore a piece of cotton wool off and gave it a few squirts. "It's a good thing John's anal about all this stuff. The medical box in your bathroom is packed with all sorts." "I didn't even know we had one." "It's under your sink," Ryan said, leaning closer. "Now stop talking." He began brushing my lip with the cotton wool. It stung slightly, but I wasn't about to show any pain in front of Ryan. 'I'm a macho man.' As soon as the thought entered my head, I began snickering. "What are you laughing at?" Ryan asked with a smile forming. "Nothing. Sorry." Ryan continued to dab and brush at the wound he'd made. It was the perfect excuse for me to stare at his face and boy did I. His skin was unbelievably smooth. I don't think I could even spot any pores. His complexion was slightly pale but he didn't look unhealthy. His eyes though... those dark orbs were quite possibly the most entrancing and beautiful thing about Ryan's appearance. They were so big and so dark, like whirlpools that pulled you in and wouldn't let you go. It almost looked as if he had one giant pupil. "I think that's it clean," he announced. "Is it bad?" "I don't know." I smiled wickedly. "If only there was... I dunno... a guy? Who I happened to like and who happened to like me, who was floating around and who would be willing to give me a kiss to see if my lips still worked." Ryan blushed and tried to hide his bashful smile. He leaned in and gave me the softest of kisses. I felt myself sigh as he broke the kiss. "And if only there was a guy floating around whom wouldn't mind giving my sore lip a kiss to make it better." Ryan let out a giggle and then gave me another kiss; it was just as gentle as the last. It was unfathomable how he managed to do it. He was such a gentle and caring guy, but he was still so manly. I would have envied him if he wasn't my boyfriend. I gave him another smile. "And if only there was... " Just then the kitchen door opened and in walked John, breaking the mood. "Did you boil the kettle for me, Ryan?" "Eh... yeah. I boiled it a while ago." Ryan's eyes bulged. He never boiled the kettle. I chuckled to myself as I got up and put my bowl away. "So do you wanna head into your room and hang out?" Ryan asked. "Eh...there's nothing really in my room. We could hang out in the living room and play the 360 or watch some TV or something?" Ryan nodded his head. "OK." I wasn't ready to invite Ryan into my room yet. First of all, I hadn't even unpacked yet. I still had Outfit Mountain growing on my floor, I had aftershaves and other toiletries still scattered here and there, along with notepads for uni. But more than that, the room had just started to really feel like mine. After I decorated, the room still felt cold and foreign. But now that I had been living in it for a while, it had started to feel like MY room. It was starting to feel like the sanctuary I wanted it to be, and I wasn't ready to show Ryan that far into my life yet. We both walked into the living room. "I'm gonna go throw on a t-shirt. Back in a minute, Twilight," I said, giving him a wink. "Twilight?" Ryan asked. I snapped my teeth together and smiled. Ryan just blushed and took his seat. I think he liked his new nickname. * The next few days were some of the best, and worst, of my life. My nightmares were becoming more vivid and far more surreal. I was genuinely having difficulty distinguishing between reality and dreams. You would think this would be easy as I was generally being plagued by the same dream, the one where I was sitting on a rock and then my family raised from the water and drowned me. The last thing I always saw were these two tiny golden wings before I drowned and woke up. Sometimes I would wake up and I would be hot and sweaty. Those were the good times. Other times I would wake up and I wouldn't be able to breathe, my chest would constrict and I would be gasping for air. It was a strange affliction that only seemed to happen when I had nightmares. I couldn't tell anyone though; it was far too embarrassing. The number of hours I was spending asleep was decreasing too. Sometimes I was only getting three hours of sleep a night. How was I making it through the day? Caffeine. Caffeine in any and absolutely every form. I was drinking coffee, downing energy drinks, sucking on Frappuccinos, swallowing caffeine pills. I swear to god, I would have jagged caffeine into my arm if only I wasn't so scared of needles. But the strange thing was I barely even noticed any of this. The only thing that I was taking any notice of in my life was Ryan. It had only been a few days since we had agreed to go together, and I swear he got more special with every day we spent together. Every day I would notice something new and entrancing about him that only made me want him even more. The way he would brush his hair out of his face absent-mindedly whilst talking to me; the way his brow knitted together when he was studying and trying to concentrate; the way he would always smile when I looked at him, just before I looked away. That one was my favourite. It made me feel special to think that I could make him smile. Ben and I were sitting in the very back of October's, a coffee shop near the uni, chatting about partial differential equations when as usual, the talk turned to guys. "I'm genuinely jealous that you managed to bag yourself a guy, and a pretty hot one too," Ben said, winking at me. I grinned back at him. "What do you mean PRETTY hot? He's smokin'!" Ben let out a small laugh. "Yeah, yeah. Whatever. I'm jealous anyway." "Have you ever, y'know... thought about coming out? How do you think your parents would take it?" Ben screwed his face up a bit. "I've thought about it. I've thought about it for a while now. Now's not the best time." "Are your parents... homophobes?" I asked gingerly, not wanting him to think that I was insulting his parents. "It's just... not the right time, that's all." Just then, Ryan and Danny walked through the door and began walking towards our table. I felt a smile break out on my face and I soon saw Ryan return it as he drew closer. "Try and hold it together there, champ. You're blushing like a damsel," Ben said to me quietly. I didn't care. I was always blushing when I was around Ryan. He always managed to make me feel excited and nervous and just all-round giddy. He sat down on the chair to my left and then shuffled it closer so that our legs were touching. I instinctively shuffled away to keep some distance between us and ended up nearly sitting on Ben's lap. Ryan kept doing this, every time we were together; he wanted to sit close to me, REALLY close to me. I couldn't understand it. When we were alone at the pictures it was fine, but when we were sitting with our friends it made me feel uncomfortable. I gave Ben an apologetic look that he returned with a pretty confused expression. I turned to Ryan who was rolling his eyes at Danny. God... what just happened? "How are you?" I asked Ryan. "Fine," he sped back. An awkward silence fell over the group until Ben broke it with some joking sarcasm. "Jamie and I are fine too, Ryan. Thanks for asking." "I'm fine too, JAMIE. Thanks for asking," Danny said dryly. Eh... I looked at Ryan who was staring absent-mindedly towards the cash desk. "Do you want a coffee?" I asked. "What?" He said snapping out of his daze and staring at me. "I said, 'do you want a coffee?'" "I don't like coffee." I felt a waterfall of intimidation wash over me. Ryan hadn't made me feel like this since the night he and I became official. "Oh, right. I forgot. It was just because I saw you staring up at the cash desk. Do you want a hot chocolate or something else?" "I wasn't staring..." Jesus! He didn't even give me an answer. I shot a quick look to Ben to see if he could give me some help. "Eh... so are you two still coming up to Alex's tonight to hang out?" "Maybe," Ryan said as he stood. "I'm leaving, I'm pretty busy. Later." He and Danny sped away and I shuffled my seat back over so that I was sitting a bit further away from Ben. "What was that all about?" Ben asked. It was a good question. Did I have answer? No. But I had my suspicions. I think Ryan gets pretty annoyed when I don't sit next to him. That night back at the flat, when we decided to go out with one another, he sat really close to me. I felt a bit uncomfortable so I put some distance between us and then tried to make him feel comfortable by touching him slightly, but he got really annoyed. I think he wants me to sit RIGHT next to him. "He's just... I dunno. Touchy feely?" Ben shot me a perplexed look. "He's your boyfriend, of course he's touchy feely." "Well he doesn't have to do it in front of people; can he not see that it makes me uncomfortable?" "You get uncomfortable when Ryan gets close to you? Why?" I shrugged my shoulders. "Jamie, what's the point in having a boyfriend if you can't show him any affection?" "I can show him affection. I just don't feel like it when everyone's around." "So you're ashamed?" "WHAT? I never said that." "That's what it sounds like and I'm pretty sure that's what Ryan thinks. You've just started going out with him, Jamie. I'd get this sorted otherwise you two will be over before you've even begun." "I'm not ashamed," I pouted. "It's not a big deal to not be a physical contact type of guy. Some people aren't. But Ryan obviously thinks that you are for some reason. Have you done anything to make him think that?" Shit! I had done tonnes of things to make him think that. We sat as close as possible to one another when we were at the pictures; we'd been holding hands sometimes when no one was around; and we'd been pretty much locking lips whenever we had a minute or two to ourselves. "Eh..." "Jamie, stop taking this as an insult and try to answer it honestly. Are you maybe a little bit ashamed or uncomfortable with being gay?" I swallowed hard. Am I? Is this the reason that I feel uncomfortable when sitting close to Ryan? "I don't think so... I dunno." "We all know you and Ryan are gay and we all know that you two are together, there's nothing wrong with sitting with your arm around him or something like that." "I know that... I just... I dunno. He's the first guy I've ever been with. It's all just a bit new and a bit daunting. I mean, I kinda wanna sit with my arm around him, I mean... I love being close to him. But there are no girls in this relationship and I always just imagined that guys wouldn't do that." "Well you just said that you like it when you sit close to him, and Ryan obviously wants some affection, so where's the problem and what's the harm?" "Won't it make us...? I don't know.... Effeminate?" Ben let out a snort of laughter. "You think showing your boyfriend a little bit of affection somehow makes you effeminate? Jesus, Jamie. There are tonnes of straight guys out there who show their girls affection all the time and you don't hear anyone calling them effeminate." "But that's cause they're with a girl. It's different if you're with a guy." "It's not. It's only different because you're making it different. Look around you, Jamie. There're gay couples everywhere at this uni. Holding hands in cafes, kissing goodbye on the street, frolicking in the park..." "Frolicking?" I cut in, shooting Ben a sceptical look. "Yeah, frolicking. Ok, so they don't sit in the middle of the park where everyone can see them, they take it to a more secluded spot, but no one gives a shit." "What's your point?" "When Ryan comes over to your flat tonight, just show him a bit of affection." "How?" "Jesus Christ, Jamie. He's YOUR boyfriend. Figure it out. Give him a kiss when he walks in the door, that way the night gets off to a good start. And if there's a chance, try and sit next to him." I sighed. "This shouldn't be this hard. I shouldn't need relationship advice." "It's probably not that big of a deal, just do what I said tonight and I'm sure this'll all be small potatoes." "Cool," I said, mulling it over for the last time. "So what are you up to tomorrow?" "I'm busy," Ben responded. "You're always busy on Saturdays. What the hell do you get up to?" "Nothing much." "You're ALWAYS busy on Saturdays, but you don't get up to much?" I asked sarcastically. Ben shrugged his shoulders. "Seriously... what do you get up to? I know it's not training because you've got that during the week." A sudden thought crossed my mind. "Oh my god... have you managed to nab yourself a secret boyfriend?" "No, shut up," Ben said, getting defensive. I could see his face turning red. I think I'm actually right. "Oh my god, you totally have!" "I've not, now shut up!" I couldn't help myself and picked my most dreamy and fantastically love-struck voice. "I imagine he's still closeted. Desperate and in turmoil as to whether he should come out and announce his love for his, decidedly average looking boyfriend, or remain in the closet in fear of the wrath of his evil parents. His love for his partner is constrained to their weekly meeting. But once Saturday night rolls around, their love knows no bounds as his lover's tender embrace -" "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Ben stood over me, his face flushed and his teeth clenched. Where the hell did this come from? He snatched at his notebooks and put his finger in my face. "You don't know what the fuck you're talking about. So just shut up and keep your nose out of my business." He stormed out of the café and left me sitting by myself wondering what had happened. It was just a bit of fun. It wasn't even rough teasing, it was tame at worst. I packed my things up and made my way to the café exit but stopped just before I made it outside. I noticed two girls sitting in the corner on one of the couches. They were both sitting really close together. Could they possibly be together? I shook the thought from my head. Girls are always really friendly with each other; it's just what they do. I skulked back to the flat with the conversation with Ben replaying in my head. I had a sinking feeling in my gut; maybe he did have a boyfriend. Maybe it was exactly as I had described it; maybe I had hit the nail on the head and touched a nerve. Shit! I walked into the flat and made my way into the kitchen to get some coffee when I heard Alex walk in at my back. "Jesus, more coffee? You're gonna give yourself a heart attack with all that shit!" I shrugged my shoulders as I waited for the kettle to boil. "Is everyone still coming over tonight?" I closed my eyes and shook my head. I was so tired. "I dunno. Ryan and Danny probably won't but Rebecca and Louise might." "What's up with Danny and Ryan?" "Blergh. I dunno. It's just this thing with Ryan and me." "A fight?" Just then, the kettle clicked so I moved to pour my coffee. "Sort of. I dunno. He never argued or shouted at me. He was just... pissy and cold towards me." "Meh, it beats you being cold with him." I looked up from my coffee to Alex. "What are you talking about?" "Well you're not exactly the warmest of boyfriends." I felt myself getting defensive. "What? Because I don't throw myself onto his lap every time he walks in the fucking door then I'm cold?" "Wow! Take it easy, I never said that. All I'm saying is, usually in the early stages of a relationship, people can't keep their hands off one another. You don't really seem to have that problem." I let out a sigh; there was no point in arguing with Alex as well as Ben and Ryan. "When you had a girlfriend, didn't you feel uncomfortable if she sat on your lap or kept ramming her tongue down your throat when you were sitting with your friends?" Alex shook his head. "Not really. I mean, I didn't usually get off with her like that when we were with everyone, but I didn't think there was anything wrong with throwing an arm round her shoulder or giving her the odd kiss here and there. It's not as if we groped each other whilst sitting with John and that." I let out another disgruntled sigh. "I know. I don't even know why it makes me uncomfortable. I've thought about it, and I just don't know why it makes me feel uncomfortable." "Some guys are like that in general. If it's really a big deal then talk to Ryan about it. He probably thinks you're having second thoughts or something." "I'm not, honestly. I just... I dunno." "You know that none of us give a shit about you two or the fact that you're gay, right? I mean, we do care, we're happy for you two and stuff, but it won't make any of us uncomfortable or anything." "Yeah... I know..." "Just... if Ryan comes up tonight, try and take him aside, talk to him and tell him how you feel." I nodded my head and started to feel a bit better about it. Alex was one of only a few people who could really get me to see things clearly. "I'm just being weird; I'll talk to him if he comes over later. Fancy a game of something?" I asked looking to lighten the mood. "The 360's broke. Three fucking red lights." Alex complained. "Typical... have you got a toolkit?" Alex arched his brow. "Yeah..." "Grab some tools and I'll fix it." "You know how to fix three red lights?" "Grab your toolkit and the thermal paste I gave you ages ago. Also, I need a few pennies..." * A few hours had passed and I was still sitting on the living room floor, intently fiddling with the insides of the Xbox whilst Alex breathed down my neck, observing everything that I was doing with an almost lustful fascination. I loved repairing things. I loved the simplicity and logic of it all. Everything had its own place, its own function. It was the best thing to clear my head besides running. I was so tired at the moment; I don't think I could walk round the park, never mind jog. I was fully engrossed in repairing the Xbox and never noticed Alex get up from the couch that I had my back pressed against. But I noticed him sit back down and heard the hustle and bustle as Rebecca, Louise, Danny, and Ryan came walking into the living room. My heart leaped as I saw Ryan. He didn't look happy... what should I do? Should I go over and give him a hug or something? Maybe he'd make the first move and hug me? Not likely, he hadn't tried anything like that since after the night we decided to go out. What should I do? I know... I'll just sit here, and if he sits on the floor really close to me, then I won't move. Hopefully that'll show him I'm not having second thoughts. I looked back down at the Xbox and continued to reassemble it whilst watching Ryan out of the corner of my eye. My heart sank as he sat on the couch opposite me. Damn it! What should I do now? I felt Alex sit down on the couch above me. I bit my bottom lip in annoyance and frustration. Why am I just sitting here? Why is he just sitting there and what am I supposed to do? I felt as if everyone was staring at me as Rebecca and Louise continued to talk about some soap that I've never even heard of. I could feel myself making a mess of this and I really didn't want to. I really liked Ryan, but I just didn't know what to do. Should I stand up and ask him to follow me out into the hall? I haven't known him long enough and I didn't feel comfortable enough to ask him into my room yet. That place was too private and intimate. That's my sanctuary. If I asked him out into the hall, you can bet everyone would be eavesdropping and wouldn't that be making it a bigger deal than what it is? If I just randomly got up off the floor and went over to sit on the arm of the couch next to him, that would be awkward and I'm pretty sure everyone would be looking at me and thinking, 'what an idiot.' Alex bumped me with the side of his leg. I looked up and he nudged his head over towards Ryan. I looked over and Ryan was looking pretty sternly at something on his phone. Even with his semi- scowl, he still looked gorgeous. His skin was flawless and his hair was unbelievably straight and silky looking. I had a longing to run my hand through his hair. Alex gave me another bump with his leg and I snapped back to the here and now. I had to do something and all my options were likely to be embarrassing. Why were public displays of affection important? Wasn't it enough for him to know that I liked him? I stood up and wiped my hands on the back of my skinnys. I had some dust and a little bit of dirt on them from the Xbox. I could see Danny staring at me from the corner of my eye, but I didn't return his stare. I walked over to Ryan who was still messing around with his phone. Once I stood before him he looked up and the scowl on his face eased slightly. I leaned forwards, put my hands on the back of the couch on either side of Ryan's face, and I kissed him. It wasn't the most passionate kiss we've ever had. I mean, it wasn't a peck with my lips closed or anything like that, but I didn't use any tongue either. It was a kiss in front of everyone nonetheless, surely he'd appreciate that. Once I broke the kiss I pulled back an inch or two from his face. "How are you?" I smiled. It was almost like some sort of transformation took place before my eyes. Ryan's face lit up as he beamed a massive grin back at me. "Brilliant," he replied. I felt all the tension ease out of my body. "Have you seen inside a 360 before?" Ryan shook his head ever so slightly. "Do you wanna?" He nodded his head and continued to grin back at me. I stood up straight and extended my hand to help Ryan get up off the couch. I pulled him up and he sort of stumbled into my personal space. I caught the smell of his aftershave and instinctively took a deep breath. I swallowed hard as the sudden erotic urges washed over me. I could feel myself staring at his neck, getting lost in his essence, until I snapped myself out of it. I glanced at Ryan's face and he was still smiling. He didn't seem to mind my sudden ogling. I smiled, embarrassed, and then took my seat on the floor again with my back to the couch. Ryan sat right next to me. I pulled the Xbox closer and began pointing out the various components with Ryan asking questions here and there. He was just as big a geek as me but wasn't too sure about the internals of things like Xboxes and PCs. After about ten minutes or so of sitting close to Ryan and messing around with the Xbox, I saw him yawn and stretch. When he was done stretching though, he threw his arm around my shoulder and I nearly jumped out of my skin. I looked up from the Xbox and couldn't help but laugh. "Did you really just do that?" I asked him quietly so no one else would hear. I could see Ryan begin to blush and he shrugged his shoulders. "Are you OK with it?" I thought about it for a second. It felt strange, there was no denying that. I had spent the majority of my life denying to everyone that I was gay and making sure never to do anything that could be considered dubious or incriminating. And now, here I was, sitting in amongst a group of people with my boyfriend's arm draped over my shoulder. "Yeah... yeah I'm OK with it." I answered and gave him a smile. "Your smooth moves have won me over," I said, chuckling. He leaned in and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I could feel myself turning red so I hurriedly began fidgeting with the last few screws on the outer casing of the Xbox. It was just about fixed. "So I was wondering," Ryan began, "If once you've finished fixing that, if you'd wanna come back to mine and chill for a while. Just us two I mean. We could watch a DVD or something." I had been over to Ryan's flat a few times since we started going out, but we had never been alone and never had we had any private time together. I could feel my face flush again. "Yeah, this is finished so we could go just now," I enthused. "I mean... if you want," I said, trying to make myself sound a little less eager. Ryan smiled. "Yeah, let's go." He stood up and this time he offered me a hand up. I smiled and thanked him before we made our farewells and left for his flat. "I don't think Danny appreciated being left there by himself," I said. "I told him I'd probably be inviting you back here." "Oh... cool." I said as I slipped my Converse off and Ryan shut the door to his flat. "Do you want anything to eat or drink?" "Em, can I get a coffee?" "Sure," Ryan said. "My room's in there," he said, pointing to the door on my left. "Back in two." I watched him walk up the hall and enter into the kitchen as I walked over to the doorway. I turned the handle and stepped inside his expansive room. He had a dark, solid wood flooring that made a thump as I stepped on it. The walls of his room were a light shade of olive green that was harmonious with the dark flooring. Running parallel to the wall opposite me, pushed up against the corner of the room, was his bed with a bedside cabinet sitting next to it. He had a chest of drawers sitting near the door that I had to step around as I entered. I stepped inside and looked to my left. Directly opposite Ryan's bed was a HUGE flat screen TV mounted on the wall with a Blu-Ray player, an Xbox 360, a PS3, a Wii and a satellite box all sitting on an immaculately white stand underneath his TV. Jesus! That lot must have cost a fortune! I walked over to his bed and noticed a bag sitting on top of his covers. It was from the chemist. I looked over at the door. It was still closed. I knew I shouldn't look; it was from the chemist so it was probably private. But curiosity got the better of me. I picked the bag up and glanced at the contents. The hurt and shock hit me like a tidal wave as I saw what was in the bag. I pulled out a bottle of lube and examined it. 'For your lover's pleasure,' read the slogan. I tossed it on the bed before I pulled out the other items in the bag. Condoms. I could hardly believe it. A rage blazed through my body as I picked up the bottle of lube. Did he really think he would just get me back here and fuck me? I heard the door behind me open and I spun round. Ryan sat the coffee on the chest of drawers to my left. "I'm not really good at making coffee but hopeful-" He broke off as he saw me standing there with the condoms in one hand, and the lube in the other. I couldn't stop my hands from shaking in anger and I knew it wouldn't be long before tears came. "You fucking dick!" I shouted. "Jamie, I swear to god it's not like that," Ryan pleaded. But I was past listening to him. I threw the lube at his head but he ducked and it hit the wall behind him. I threw the condoms at him too and they hit off his arms as he raised them to defend himself. "I thought you were a fucking decent guy. I thought you wanted to spend some fucking quality time with me, but you just wanted to get me alone so you could fuck me senseless." I burst through his room door and made my way for the exit before I lost my temper completely and hit him. I heard Ryan following. "Jamie, please. I swear to god it's nothing like that!" "Did you think I was some sort of slut who you could go out with on the Saturday and then fuck the following Friday?!" I was scrambling to get my Converse on now as the tears came. "Jamie, listen to me, I swear to god. They're not mine." I had managed to get my Converse on. They weren't tied and the laces were hanging down but I just had to get out of there. I put my hand on the door handle and turned it; but Ryan put all his weight on the door to stop me from pulling it open. "Jamie please! Listen to me. They're not mine. Danny gave them to me." I snorted. "Yeah right, cause Danny needs lube to fuck." I made another pull at the door. It opened briefly before Ryan put his weight on it again and closed it. He was really winding me up. "No, he gave me it because of you." "Oh, that makes me feel sooooooo much fucking better," I bit sarcastically. "So Danny gave you the lube so you could fuck me? So who else have you told that you were getting your nuts tonight?" I let go of the door now and squared up to Ryan. I was seething. I saw the fear on his face. "No one. Danny was just looking out for me. He knows that gay sex is dangerous. He got the stuff for me without me asking. I wasn't planning on using it tonight." I was about to cut in but he raised his voice and kept going. "I wasn't planning on using it any time soon. Honest," he pleaded. "It was just Danny's way of making sure we're safe." "And what? We can't fucking buy it ourselves?" "Yeah, of course. I don't know. It's just what Danny does. He knows I'm shy and wouldn't go into a shop and buy that stuff. So he's just making sure that I've got it and that I'm safe in case we do ever do it." My chest was still heaving as took deep breaths to try and calm myself. I was seconds away from hitting Ryan. "Please, Jamie," he said, putting his hands on my shoulders. "I would never ever force you into anything like that. That kind of thing is miles away for us. We're just getting to know one another. I would never think that of you." I didn't say anything. The red mist was beginning to ascend. "It's just what Danny does. He's like my brother. He may be straight, but he knows all about gay guys and STDs and stuff. He was just making sure that I was safe. That WE were safe. I never asked him to buy it or told him that we were going to do it. Honestly." I started to feel a little bit calmer now. "I'm not gonna have sex with you anytime soon," I said. "I know and I'm OK with that. I'm not ready to do it with you either." I exhaled heavily. "I just... I saw the lube and then the condoms and I thought - " "I know. I know. But honestly, it wasn't like that." "It was just the condom theory, right?" I asked. Ryan screwed his face up, puzzled. "It's better to have one and not need it than to need one and not have it," I said. "Yeah, exactly!" Ryan said giving me a nervous smile. "He's just looking out for me. Sometimes he can be a bit overbearing, but he's like my brother." I brought my hand up to face. I felt mortified about how I had reacted. "I'm sorry I threw that stuff at you." Ryan smiled, "It's OK. I know why you did it." I nodded my head. "So, I mean... if you still want to, we could watch a DVD or something?" he asked. He still wanted to watch a DVD with me after I nearly took his head off with a bottle of lube? "Em... yeah, sure. If you're still OK with it?" I said meekly. Ryan smiled. "Obviously." I took my shoes off again whilst Ryan walked into his room. I followed him in and he was standing near the door again holding my coffee for me. I took it off of him and thanked him even though it tasted awful. I made a mental note to make this the one and only time I ever ask him to make me a coffee. We decided to watch the Matrix, which we had both seen before but enjoyed. I made my way over to Ryan's bed and sat with my back to the wall, facing the monstrous TV. Ryan put the DVD on and then sat on the bed with me, but he left a lot of space between us. You could have driven a bus between us! Didn't we just get over this?!? Didn't I make the first move in front of everyone earlier so that he would know I was OK with showing affection? I rubbed my forehead as Ryan started the movie. We sat in silence for a while with both of us staring at the screen. I was supposed to be watching the movie, but all I could think about was this distance between us. Why wasn't he sitting next to me? Was he messing with me? Was that it? Was he playing some fucked up game? Getting annoyed when I didn't want him sitting next to me one minute, and then sitting on practically the other side of the bed the next, after I'd shown him that I'm OK with showing affection? GRRRRRRRRRR!!! I rubbed my head again. Was this something to do with what had just happened? Was that why he had put some distance between us? Maybe he still thought I was angry. "I'm not angry y'know?" Ryan looked over at me. "About the condoms and stuff." Ryan nodded. "OK." We both went back to looking at the TV when another thought entered my mind. "Are you?" "What?" he asked. "Angry... are you angry?" Ryan shook his head and let out a small laugh. "No, why?" "No reason," I said before turning back to the TV. Another few minutes passed before I couldn't help myself. I stood up and walked over to the chest of drawers where I sat the empty cup down. When I came back to the bed, I took one of Ryan's pillows and threw it on Ryan's lap. Ryan shot me a quizzical look but before he could say anything, I lay down with my head on the pillow on Ryan's lap. I could feel Ryan's tension underneath me, but after a few seconds, I felt it start to ease and him relax. I smiled knowing that he was a bit more comfortable. "I was... and I guess I still am, a bit uncomfortable with public displays of affection." I confessed. Ryan moved his hand and started running it through my hair. His touch was gentle and soothing. "I know that now. For a while, I thought you were starting to get cold feet about us." "Yeah, I kind of guessed you thought that after what happened in October's." "I was a bit pissed off." I let out a laugh. "I noticed." Ryan let out a chuckle too. I took a deep breath. "I like being close to you, especially when we're alone. I'm a bit uncomfortable when we're close though, and people are around us. That's going to take me a bit of getting used to." Ryan continued to stroke my hair. "That's OK, I've got good patience." I smiled. "Ryan?" "Yeah?" "You're the first guy I've ever been with and I've never... you know... done it with a guy before." "It's alright. I don't mind." There were a few minutes of silence where I just lay and enjoyed the feeling of Ryan running his hands through my hair. "Am I the first guy you've ever been with?" I asked. I felt Ryan slightly tense up underneath me. "You're not my first boyfriend, and I have done stuff with guys. But I've never been all the way." "How many boyfriends have you had?" "Just one." "How many guys have you done stuff with?" "OUCH!" I yelled as Ryan pinched the skin on my neck. "Just one, obviously." I laid my head back down on his lap. "All right, all right," I complained as I rubbed my neck. Ryan brushed my hand away gently and then started brushing the area where he pinched with his thumb. "It's just... y'know. Some guys like to play the field a bit," I reasoned. "I'm not like that. I'm not really into sex without there being a connection." I felt a sense of relief and sudden happiness overcome me. "Yeah, I know what you mean." The bed bounced as Ryan shifted slightly underneath me. It wasn't until I felt his lips lightly touch my cheek that I knew what he was doing. I smiled and rolled onto my back. Ryan leaned in and kissed me again, but he wasn't giving me any tongue. His kisses were short and teasing. I let out annoyed moans every time he would pull off of my mouth, and each time Ryan would let out a little chuckle. It was unbelievably erotic to hear Ryan laugh. After a few minutes, he pulled off my lips and straightened his back. "I'm getting a sore back," he declared. That was all the invitation I needed! I got up and tossed the pillow back towards the top of the bed. I shuffled closer to Ryan and he gave me a mischievous grin. I felt comfortable being around Ryan now, knowing that I could get close to him without him trying anything. We both wanted to wait and get to know each other better before we had sex, but that didn't mean that I couldn't suck the face off of him in the meantime! I leaned up against the wall and took hold of his hand. I gave it a slight tug and Ryan crawled towards me a bit. Our lips met in a suggestive kiss before I started to slide back against the wall and away from Ryan. He was laughing as he followed my lips with his until we were both lying down. My back was against the wall and I was lying on my right hand side, Ryan on his left. We kissed and kissed and kissed for hours. And when our lips were tired of kissing - mine were still stinging a bit from the cut Ryan had given me almost a week ago - we just lay next to each other and talked. I could listen to Ryan talk for hours. His voice fit his appearance perfectly, masculine but not macho. His voice was so utterly sweet, god it was sexy. But he wouldn't let me just lay there and listen to him talk. He was always asking questions about me. He wanted to know about me, ALL about me. He wanted to know the fun stuff. What's my favourite colour? What's my star sign? It was a special experience to have a guy seem so genuinely interested in me, even when I was dodging questions about my family and friends. And sometimes, when I felt so excited that he was so interested in me, and I felt like I was going to explode, I just leaned forwards and kissed him again. Getting up off Ryan's bed and walking home that night was one of the most difficult things I think I've ever had to do in my life. But I knew that if Ryan and I spent more time together like that, then soon I wouldn't be walking home, I'd just be staying put. To Be Continued... Send any feedback to: kyro3@hotmail.co.uk I hope you enjoyed it and thanks for reading!!!