Date: Thu, 19 Jul 2012 11:48:12 +0100 From: Kyro Clark Subject: Glitter and Trauma 18 ============================================================================== Disclaimer. This story is a work of fiction although it is loosely based on the real life experiences of the author. This story contains graphical depictions of sexual contact between two adult males. This story also contains harsh language or swearing and depicts scenes of alcohol and drug use. It should not be read by anyone where it is illegal to read such material and should not be read by anyone under the age of 18. The author retains the copyright, and any other rights to this story. This story may not be published, copied or redistributed in any way without the explicit consent of the author. ============================================================================= Authors note. Hey! So its been about a month since my last update and I guess most of you have been wondering what happened? Well...lots has happened ^_^ hehehe I've been really busy with some things in my private life but I've also been writing....tonnes!! I have the next four chapters of G&T written and they've also been edited :O. I've been messing around with chronology but I've finally settled on it thanks to some help from Josh. Anyway, I've not decided whether to release the next chapters one week at a time or fortnightly, I guess I'll just wait and see :-p Once again a HUUUUUUGE thanks to Josh for editing and for letting me use him as a sounding board. And to everyone who sent me feedback, thank you all, it means a lot! Send any feedback to: kyro3@hotmail.co.uk and feel free to add me on MSN for a chat. Also, follow my blog/follow me on Tumblr. I have tonnes of stuff on their and even one or two shorts and oneshots that aren't uploaded anywhere else. http://mad-rocket-scientist.tumblr.com/ ============================================================================= RECAP: The bed bounced as Ryan shifted slightly underneath me. It wasn't until I felt his lips lightly touch my cheek that I knew what he was doing. I smiled and rolled onto my back. Ryan leaned in and kissed me again, but he wasn't giving me any tongue. His kisses were short and teasing. I let out annoyed moans every time he would pull off of my mouth, and each time Ryan would let out a little chuckle. It was unbelievably erotic to hear Ryan laugh. After a few minutes, he pulled off my lips and straightened his back. "I'm getting a sore back," he declared. That was all the invitation I needed! I got up and tossed the pillow back towards the top of the bed. I shuffled closer to Ryan and he gave me a mischievous grin. I felt comfortable being around Ryan now, knowing that I could get close to him without him trying anything. We both wanted to wait and get to know each other better before we had sex, but that didn't mean that I couldn't suck the face off of him in the meantime! I leaned up against the wall and took hold of his hand. I gave it a slight tug and Ryan crawled towards me a bit. Our lips met in a suggestive kiss before I started to slide back against the wall and away from Ryan. He was laughing as he followed my lips with his until we were both lying down. My back was against the wall and I was lying on my right hand side, Ryan on his left. We kissed and kissed and kissed for hours. And when our lips were tired of kissing - mine were still stinging a bit from the cut Ryan had given me almost a week ago - we just lay next to each other and talked. I could listen to Ryan talk for hours. His voice fit his appearance perfectly, masculine but not macho. His voice was so utterly sweet, god it was sexy. But he wouldn't let me just lay there and listen to him talk. He was always asking questions about me. He wanted to know about me, ALL about me. He wanted to know the fun stuff. What's my favourite colour? What's my star sign? It was a special experience to have a guy seem so genuinely interested in me, even when I was dodging questions about my family and friends. And sometimes, when I felt so excited that he was so interested in me, and I felt like I was going to explode, I just leaned forwards and kissed him again. Getting up off Ryan's bed and walking home that night was one of the most difficult things I think I've ever had to do in my life. But I knew that if Ryan and I spent more time together like that, then soon I wouldn't be walking home, I'd just be staying put. ============================================================================= Glitter & Trauma Chapter 18 - Speaking with the Fishes By Kyro My back slammed hard against the wall. The resulting noise wouldn't go unnoticed this time, I was sure of that. I grimaced as I balled my fist up and clutched at my chest. I couldn't breathe. I wasn't gasping, I wasn't panting, I just purely and simply couldn't breathe. I was overcome with panic, and my need to keep these attacks hidden from anyone was put aside as I tried to call out to Alex, to John... to anyone... My vision became spotted as my voice caught in my throat, I could feel myself becoming weak... tired... I slid down the wall... I awoke, lying on the floor, teeth chattering and body shivering. My chest felt like it was wrapped in chains. I sat up. It was still dark. I squinted at the alarm clock on my bedside table; quarter past six. I had only gone to bed at about half past two... barely four hours of sleep. That nightmare again... It was almost a certainty that I would have it when I went to sleep. Once a night, every night for god knows how long now. I walked over to the foot of my bed and sat down. I pulled the covers over myself to try and heat myself up. It was nearly the end of October and the flat wasn't particularly easy to keep heated, it was pretty old and poorly insulated. The heating bill was expensive too so we all pretty much just made sure to wear jumpers and such to keep ourselves warm. On top of my chest of drawers sat my fish tank with my best friends in it. The blue light illuminated them as they swam aimlessly and gracefully around the tank. I had told my fish about my parents, the only other souls in this world who knew about my predicament. It's amazing how quickly you can bond to pets if you bare your soul to them. Maybe it's something to do with them being non- judgemental. I know my little fish love me unconditionally, even if they can't show it by licking my face like a dog can, or nuzzling into my neck like a cat. But I could still tell they loved me, and I them. I took a deep sigh. "It's been a few days since me and Ryan had the whole condom argument that I told you lot about, and we've really started to grow closer. I guess I should be happy about that, probably delighted? But I'm not... all I feel is this... overriding worry and anxiety." "The Ryan that I met and went to the pictures with is slowly disappearing before me. His shyness is dissolving and I can feel him becoming far more comfortable around me." I took a few moments to collect my thoughts. One of the best things about talking to fish is you can pause to get things straight in your head without them interrupting or hurrying you. "I thought I was becoming more comfortable around him, until yesterday, when I got the biggest slap in the face. I decided to go a walk into town by myself when I met someone who I hadn't seen in a while. It was Gregg." I thought back to the meeting. "Oh my god, it's Jamie, right? Remember me?" Gregg said whilst stopping me in the street. "Oh, yeah, of course I do. How's it going? I asked. "Great! How about you?" "Yeah, I'm fine thanks." "You know, you never called me back after meeting that night?" Damn was this awkward. "Oh... em... yeah. Well, I guess I was kind of going through some stuff and stuff." Gregg let out a good-natured laugh. "OK, no problem. Have you worked it out then? "Em... Yeah." I thought of Ryan, I guess we had worked it all out, I mean, we were together, so that meant we're OK, right? "Soooo, if you've worked out your stuff, how would you feel about going out on a date with me." Oh shit. "Oh... em... well... actually..." "Don't tell me you've met another guy?" Gregg whined half-jokingly. I don't think he was serious about being upset, but I don't think he was too happy for me either. "Yeah," I gushed slightly. "I have, sorry." Gregg gave me a soft punch on the arm. "I knew you were too cute to stay single for long. I should never have let you go that night." I felt myself blush as he called me cute, but I also felt awkward at having him remind me that I was intending to go back to his flat with him that night. "Eh... I've really gotta go, Gregg. But it was nice seeing you again," I said as I began to walk away. "Nice seeing you too, and if things don't work out with you and this guy, make sure to give me a call!" I looked over at my fish and puffed my cheeks in exasperation. "Now that I think back to that incident with Gregg; it wasn't being outed on the street that pissed me off. It was meeting Gregg and being reminded of just how big a mistake I almost made. I'm not the type of person to meet someone and then just got back to their flat. But that night, I was ready to... I guess I was lonely and... maybe I missed my family a bit... I was definitely annoyed at Ryan after he treated me like such a dick, and I just wanted someone to... love me." I wiped a stray tear from my eye. "I was in a bad place that night. I was needy and I almost lowered myself. But I dunno if things've changed since then? I lost my temper with Ryan the other night and tossed some condoms and lube at him. But now that I look back on it, I dunno why I got so pissed off? It makes perfect sense to have a few condoms lying around, just in case." I ran my hand through my hair. "The truth is, I don't think anything has changed since that night with Gregg and that's why I got so upset with Ryan. When I saw the condoms, I thought all he wanted to do was just use me and throw me aside... and deep down, no matter how many times I tell myself that I'm in a better place now, I'm still just as needy as I was that night with Gregg. I... I... still just want to be loved." Another tear fell from my eye and I heaved a sigh. "But fucking stupid, typical me can't tell anyone that, and I can't fucking SHOW anyone that. I'm so incapable of doing even the simplest of things right, and Ryan is the complete opposite. He is so patient, and caring, and so goddamn understanding, and that only makes matters worse, because now I feel guilty for not being able to open up to him, for lying to him about my family, for not being able to express myself and trust in him the same way that he does in me. And to top it all off, I think he knows that I don't trust him. I think he knows that I've put up walls to keep him at bay. I'm stuck in fucking damage limitation, just waiting for Ryan to get bored or figure out he doesn't like me and move on. He's asked countless times to come over and hang out in my room, and I've always made up some excuse. I'm just not ready to let him see that far into my life yet." I sighed, disgusted at myself. "I want to be loved, and I think a part of me wants Ryan to love me, but I'm utterly petrified at the idea of exposing myself to anyone. How can you ask someone to love you when your own family can't stand the sight of you? I don't know what to do. Give up on Ryan? I suppose that that's the obvious thing to do, I suppose that that's probably the best thing in the long run for both of us. I mean come on, I'm a broken mess and anyone would do well to stay away from me. I'm not dumb enough to be oblivious to that." I paused for a minute to collect myself; I continued to stare at the fish tank. My fluorescent friends swam over to the front face of the tank and bobbed open their mouths against the glass. I let out a small laugh and extended my fingers out to the glass. I touched the cool surface as they pretended to nibble away at my fingers through the glass. I sniffled. "The truth is... I'm too selfish to give up on him. Because every time he looks at me, every time he smiles at me or touches me or kisses me, I feel like all the problems in the world just melt away. I know that I'm hurting him by lying to him about my family... but I'm just too much of a scared and selfish bastard to do anything about it." "And now I've got the whole situation with Ben to deal with. He's been AWOL for a few days now, since he blew up with me in the café. I know he's skipping lectures and I'm fucking sure it's because he doesn't want to see me. All because I made a few cracks about him having a secret boyfriend." I felt my shoulders slump. I shook my head. I was so damn tired. "I'd kill for some respite from all of this shit! Just a day or two with no worries and some dreamless sleep." I snorted, knowing that that wasn't going to happen, just as I wasn't going to be a part of my family again, just as I wasn't going to be able to open up to Ryan. But Ben... the situation with Ben wasn't impossible. Whatever I'd done, whatever nerve I had touched by saying what I'd said, I was sure I could rectify it. I was sure I could apologise and he'd forgive me. I was POSITIVE he would... if he ever showed up to class again. I stood up and walked over to the fish tank, unscrewed the lid off of the fish food and dropped some into their tank. "You lot have gotta be the most unluckiest fish in the world. Having to listen to me and all my bullshit. Here," I said as I dropped another pinch of food into their tank and watched as they ate it up greedily. "You deserve it." * "So what's the plan for Halloween next week?" Ryan asked. His mood was bubbly and infectious as we walked from the last class of the day, together with Alex and Danny. Ben hadn't shown up at all today, for the fourth day in a row. "I dunno," I grunted. Ryan gave me a rub on the back. It made me jump slightly and I felt self-conscious. We were in the middle of the street! "What's wrong, Jamie? You've been sullen for a few days. Talk to me," he asked. Talk to me, in other words... open up to me. Didn't he realise just how difficult a thing that was to do? I sighed. I suppose I could sort of tell him, surely I wasn't that much of a recluse that I couldn't tell him about Ben. "Ben and I have sort of fell out, and I can't get a hold of him," I brooded. "Don't worry," he said, unusually upbeat. "You don't need him, you've still got us." I shot Ryan a shocked look. How could he be so insensitive? He knew how much Ben means to me. I think he saw the hurt in my eyes before he backtracked. "And I'm sure Ben will come round," he hurried. "Why don't you just head over to his pad if you're that desperate to talk to him?" Alex asked. "And I say we head out for Halloween. I'm sick of sitting in every weekend." "I don't know where he lives," I said still staring at Ryan. He looked away trying to avoid my gaze. Danny let out a snort. "You're joking, right?" I looked over at him. "No." God damn, Danny could be so annoying with his snide and pompous remarks. "Seriously?" Alex asked. Jesus! Alex too? "No," I said, getting frustrated. "Jesus, Jamie. I thought everyone knew where Ben lives. It's practically a mansion," Alex said. Danny let out another snort. "Practically? It IS a mansion." "Do you know where he lives?" I asked Alex. "Yeah." "Where?" Alex screwed his face up slightly. "If you want, I could head over there with you tomorrow or something?" "No, I wanna go just now. It's important." "I've got some stuff to do just now," Alex said. "I could head over with you and show you where it is?" Ryan offered. "No... I wanna go by myself. Can someone just tell me where it is?" I snapped. Everyone went quiet for a few moments. I was too brusque with Ryan, shit. "I just... have to talk to him about some stuff... alone." Ryan finally told me where he lived. It wasn't too far from the uni, so I said my goodbyes and then I set out for Ben's house. Ryan said that it was 'gigantic' and that I wouldn't be able to miss it once I got on the right street. After walking for about half an hour through the cold but sunny streets, I finally turned into the cul-de-sac that Ben lived in. It didn't look too different from where Alex's parents lived. Sure, the houses where a bit bigger, the street looked a bit cleaner and was a bit less crowded, but it wasn't anything too otherworldly. At least, that's what I thought until I followed the road of the cul-de-sac round a sweeping bend and caught sight of what was simply the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life. I knew as soon as I saw it that it was Ben's house. There was a wrought, black iron fence that stood atop a small brick wall surrounding the house. A large lawn and a beautifully paved pathway led up to the front entrance from the large double gates. The house itself was breathtaking, not just because of the size of it, but because of the architecture. This wasn't any box with a few windows; whoever had built this had put a large amount of time and effort into it. The beige brickwork stood slightly darker in certain spots and gave the house a rustic and archaic feel that made it all the more endearing. I approached the gate and looked for the handle to open it. There wasn't one. How the hell was I supposed to get in? I gave the gate a tentative push, hoping that it would budge, but I had no such luck. I thought about jumping over the fence. Where I come from that wouldn't be a big deal, but I wasn't sure if it would go down too well in this neighbourhood. I surveyed the gate and finally noticed an intercom on the right hand side. Wow! Aeronautical engineer in the making... I waked over to the intercom and gave it a buzz. A few moments passed and then I gave it another buzz before a woman answered. "Hello?" "Hi! Is em... Ben there?" I asked. "Who is it?" the voice asked. "Oh, em... I'm his friend from uni. I was just wondering if he's in at the moment." "Ben's not in just now." "Oh..." Damn, I never thought that he wouldn't be in. Or maybe he is in? Maybe he told whoever this is to say that he isn't in? "Oh... well... em... OK. Thanks anyway." I began to turn away until the voice called out to me through the intercom. "What did you say your name was?" "Oh, em I didn't. It's Jamie. My name's Jamie. If you could just tell him I stopped by please, I would be grateful." The gates in front of me started to swing inwards without so much as a noise. "Ben will be back soon, please come on up to the house and wait for him." "Oh, em... thanks." I walked up the pathway and took in the beautiful scenery. The stillness of the surrounding area was striking; it was hard to believe that we were still technically in the heart of the city. I made my way to the door and was about to knock before the door swung open and a tall man in a neat polo shirt and trousers stood in front of me. "Come on in, and welcome to the McLaughlin residence." Something about the way he said it made me think back to Alex's parents' home. I didn't think this was Ben's dad, but judging by the way the man was dressed, I was sure he wasn't the maid! "Thanks... em, I'm Jamie, Ben's friend." "And I'm William, the McLaughlins' Butler." I shot him a quizzical look. "You don't really look like a butler." Weren't they supposed to wear suits? "That's because William isn't the butler, he's pretty much a part of this family." I spun round to see a small woman in an electric wheelchair turn the corner and head towards me. She was wearing an orange blouse and had a blanket thrown over her lap to keep her warm. I could tell as soon as she came close enough that this was Ben's mum. She had the same colour of hair as her son, but it was her eyes that were the feature that gave her away. They were the exact same shade of blue as Ben's. I paused for a minute as something else caught my attention. There was a bag of clear liquid hanging from a thin silver pole that extended up from the wheelchair. I could see a thin transparent tube extend from the bag and enter into the side of her arm. "William's been with us for over 30 years. He isn't a butler; he's much more than that." William smiled. "Can I get you anything?" "I'll have a glass of lemonade," she said. "Would you like anything to eat or drink, dear?" She asked me. Her face was so warm and... motherly? It had been a long time since I had been around anyone like that; it reminded me of how my own mum used to talk to me. "Em, could I have a coffee please?" "Which type of beans would you like?" William asked. "Oh, em. I don't mind. Just a normal white coffee please." William smiled. "No problem." And with that, he turned and walked away leaving me with Ben's mum. "So you must be Ben's mum. I'm Jamie. It's nice to meet you ma'am." I said extending my hand. I don't know why, but I always feel awkward when shaking hands with women. Ben's mum shook my hand softly. "Please, call me Jenn." I nodded my head. "Em, I didn't mean to intrude. If you're sick and stuff, I can just leave and I'll catch Ben another time." Jenn waved her hand in the air at my suggestion. "Are you kidding? This is one of my better days. And besides, do you think I'm going to pass up the opportunity to talk to the boy who my son hasn't stopped talking about for the past few weeks?" I felt myself flush a little and Jenn smiled. "Follow me and we'll get you a seat." I walked through three or four of the most beautifully decorated rooms I'd ever seen in my life. Each one had deep mahogany flooring and numerous fireplaces as well as intricate wallpaper. And every room served a different purpose. One was clearly being used as a library, one for playing games like chess, and one even had a piano in it! We finally entered a smaller and far cosier room. It was less busy than the other rooms, containing only a couch, a coffee table and some books. There was a large window that let in enormous amounts of sunlight and gave the room a warm, welcoming feeling. I could hear some quiet classical music being played, but I couldn't see where it was coming from. "So you're Jamie." I smiled. "Yep! I mean, yes," I said, trying to speak properly. I didn't want Ben's mum to think I was some sort of gutter rat. Jenn let out a chuckle. "You don't have to censor your words around me. I don't care where you come from or how you speak, you won't get judged here." I felt myself relax as she gave me the warmest of smiles again. "So I guess you're here because Ben hasn't been at university all week." I felt my stomach lurch. What had he told her? How much did she know? "Em... yeah. It's just, I tried calling him the other day, and he didn't pick up. And he's not been to uni and stuff, so I just wanted to make sure he's OK." Jenn nodded her head. "He's been pretty sour the past few days and keeping to himself. I don't suppose you know why?" The way she asked me wasn't accusingly; I could tell she was genuinely concerned for her son. "Em... well... actually. I sort of upset Ben last week." "Ahhh. So that's what it is. That makes a bit more sense," she said knowingly. "What do you mean?" "In order to understand why Ben's been so sour, you have to understand Ben. You see, Ben never really had many friends when he was growing up. He had the odd acquaintance or the odd person trying to get close to him, but most of them were only interested in Ben because, um... well, he comes from a family that's... really well off. That meant that Ben never really had anyone who he was close to as a child and he's carried that pattern on into his university life. He's said a lot about you, Jamie, and I can tell he really likes you, I think he looks at you as his first real friend, and maybe he even likes you as something more..." My body went frigid as the reality of what she just said set in. She knew Ben was gay? She thinks he likes me? What the hell am I supposed to say? "Eh... I- I don't know what you mean," I stammered. Jenn gave me a gentle smile. "It's OK Jamie. I know my son's gay, a mother always knows." Her face was warm and her smile never faltered, she never seemed angry or judgemental at all. What was I supposed to do? I couldn't confirm to her that Ben is gay if Ben hadn't told her himself. "I think you've got it wrong," I said, trying to throw her off the scent. "It's OK Jamie; you don't have to say anything. I know Ben's gay and I've known for a while now. I'm just glad he's managed to find someone." I could feel things getting out of hand. "Mrs McLaughlin, you've got it wrong, Ben and I are just friends." "It's OK, dear. You don't need to worry about me, I don't care who my son loves, even if it is another man." She wasn't prying the information out of me, but there were plenty of traps for me to fall down. I sighed. She knew, it was clear she knew and she obviously didn't care about it, but I still couldn't explicitly tell her she was right. "Ben and I are just friends, really good friends, but just friends nonetheless, honestly. And if Ben were to have a secret, for saying's sake, and he chose not to share that with people, but he chose to share it with me, I'd never break his confidence by confirming the suspicions of anyone, no matter how close they were to the truth." I gave her a look and she gave me a knowing smile. We understood one another. "I can see my son chose well when he chose to befriend you, Jamie. There's nothing more important in a friend than loyalty." I felt myself blush. I felt a bit awkward and I wanted to break the tension. "That's why I came over today. I wanted to apologise to Ben for upsetting him. It was my fault that we fell out." Jenn nodded her head and smiled again. "Don't worry, friends fall in and out all the time." I smiled. "Yeah, I know but, it's just, I don't really know why Ben got so upset with me, and I don't know why he's avoiding me either." Just then, William came in and dropped off the coffee and the lemonade before leaving. "I don't mean to pry, but if you'd like, I could try and shed some light on things if you want to tell me what you fell out about." I thought about it for a minute. I guess it couldn't hurt to tell her. "Well, Ben and I hang out a lot. He sometimes comes back to my flat and we just chill, or sometimes we go to a café or we even go bowling together, at his dad's bowling alley." Jenn nodded her head. "But, for some reason, we never hang out on a Saturday night. Like ever..." I made sure to choose my words more carefully here, the last thing I'd need to do is explicitly confirm that Ben is gay. "It's not a big deal, but I was just asking him why and he never really had a reason. So I started teasing him, saying that he had a secret girlfriend that I didn't know about, and then he blew up and stormed off." "Ahhhh, well. I think I know what the problem is here. You see, every Saturday night, Ben and I spend time together, just the two of us." "Oh... I don't understand? Why was he so piss - I mean angry at me then?" Jenn let out a small laugh before she reached up to the bag of clear liquid hanging from her wheelchair and gave it a slight squeeze. "Because I'm sick and Ben thinks it's his duty to protect me and the family by not telling anyone." "Oh... I'm sorry. Are you gonna get better?" Jenn's smile faltered slightly for the first time, but she recovered herself pretty quickly. "I still have a bit of time left." I felt a whirlwind of emotions tear through me: shock, sorrow, shame, pity, but most of all I felt like such an idiot for not even realising. I was supposedly one of Ben's closest friends, his closest if you believe his mum, and yet he never told me about something as HUGE as this. "I'm really sorry," I uttered trying to hold back tears. Jenn let out another laugh. "What for? You didn't do this." "Still..." "You're a sweet boy, Jamie." "I don't know why Ben didn't tell me," I murmured. "It's difficult to explain and it's a bit complex. You see, Heath's companies wouldn't do so well if everyone found out his wife was sick. Plus, there would be a tonne of 'well-wishers' at my door every day just to look at the circus attraction and see if I'm still breathing. We may have a bit of money, but we've never wanted the attention that comes with it and we've certainly never fitted in with the social circles you encounter when you have money. So we chose as a family to tell as few people as possible. That way it wouldn't affect Heath's business, I wouldn't have everyone drowning me with their pity, and Ben could go on living as normal a life as possible without people pitying him either." "I see..." I swallowed hard. "I promise I won't tell another living soul." "I know... I can tell you're a good person and I'm sure Ben wanted to tell you, but I doubt he knew whether he could or whether he should. Having a 'close friend' is still pretty new to him." I smiled just as I heard someone shout from somewhere else in the house. "I'm in here," Jenn called back. Just then the room door opened and in walked Ben. The look on his face was one of utter horror. I immediately stood up and Jenn moved towards her son. "Your friend Jamie came to see you and I invited him in to wait for you. You two obviously have a bit to talk about, so I'll leave you to it." Her wheelchair whirred as she sped out of the room and left Ben and I alone. "You've been avoiding me," I started. "Why did you come to my house?" "Because you've been avoiding me." "You had no right coming here." "Your mum told me about what you do on Saturday nights. She told me about her not being well." I couldn't bring myself to say that she told me she was dying. Ben started towards me. "I swear to god if you tell anyone - " He had his fist clenched and for a heartbeat, I thought he was going to hit me. I clenched one of my eyes shut and leaned back a bit. I may be from the east-end, and I may be able to fight. But Ben was huge, he could murder me and I wouldn't even stand a chance. I don't know if it was the shock on my face, or the sudden realisation of what he was saying or who he was talking to, but Ben stopped in his tracks, his face still contorted slightly with anger. A moment passed before I took a step towards him and put my hand on his shoulder. "It's me Ben. I'm not gonna breathe a word to anyone." I gave his shoulder a squeeze. "I wouldn't have taken the piss out of you if I'd have known, I'm really sorry." Ben was staring at the floor. I could see him beginning to tear up. "It's OK. I know you didn't know, but it still got to me," he said. "I'm sorry," I repeated. Ben nodded his head. "After I blew up with you in October's, I thought we'd be done as mates." "Jesus, Ben. It's gonna take a lot more than a stupid argument like that for us to fall out." He was completely awash now and tears were freely falling from his eyes. He couldn't even speak; all he could do was nod his head. I stepped in and gave him a hug. His bulky, muscly body was too big for me to get my arms around, so I put them as far around him at chest height as I could and gave him a squeeze. He soon put his arms around me and I felt him rest his cheek against the top of my head as he sobbed gently for a few minutes. "You're my best friend, Jamie. I've never had anyone like you before." "I'd better be you dick, cause you're my best friend and I won't have you two-timing me." Ben let out a laugh and he soon broke the hug, his eyes were red and puffy, but thankfully he had stopped crying. We both took a seat. "You know Ben, I know it's your family and you'd want to keep this sort of thing private, but you don't have to go through this alone. If you ever want to talk about anything at all, whether it's to do with your mum or anything, you know I'm here for you." "I know. It's just, we've kept this a secret for so long now, and it's weird to even think about telling anyone." I nodded my head. "So you spend most Saturdays with your mum then?" "Every Saturday night. And we try and go away as much as possible too. We've been all over. France, Italy, Spain, Germany, we're going to Japan tomorrow, and we come back next Friday." I nodded my head. "I'll miss you," I said trying to lighten the mood. Ben let out a chuckle. "We'll only be gone for a week." A few moments passed. "So your mum's really sick then?" Ben took a deep breath. "She's got leukaemia. People think that if you've got money then you've got everything, that you've got the WHOLE world in your hands. But that's just not the case. Even with all the money my dad makes, even with all the money his companies make; we still can't find a marrow donor for her." "Can't you give her yours?" "Sometimes even family members aren't a match." The way Ben said it was so sullen, so defeated. "I see..." There was nothing much else I could say, nothing much else I could do. After that, we went into the room with the chessboard and played a few games. Apparently the chessboard was from India and was made from ivory over two hundred years ago. It was a really remarkable set and I'm glad that it was, because if it had just been an ordinary chess set I think I would have gotten bored pretty quickly as Ben savaged me time and time again. I knew if he had a chess set then he'd be good, but I never for a second thought that he'd be this good. After the fourth game we continued to play but it became apparent that I was no match for Ben, so he started to let up and we spoke about all the usual things. The subject of guys came up and for a second I thought about telling him that his mum knew, or at least suspected that he was gay, but I didn't think this was the time for that. After staying for a few hours, I decided it was time to head off and Ben said he'd give me a lift. He dropped me off and promised to come see me the second he got back from Japan. Just before he left, we bumped fists. After that one small and seemingly insignificant action, I knew we were OK again and that everything was back to normal. That thought should have made me feel better; it should have had me walking on cloud nine. But it didn't. I had been trying to put a brave face on things for Ben, but the idea that his mum was at death's door had utterly traumatised me. It was only made worse by the fact that Ben was trying to put a brave face on it for his mum's sake, and Jenn was trying to put a brave face on it for her son's sake. It wasn't right. They didn't deserve this. I walked into the flat. I felt as if I were about to implode. Everything was weighing so heavy on me. I couldn't face another coffee; I couldn't face any more caffeine. It had to be close to eleven o'clock and I knew that if I went to bed just now then I'd be awake in a few hours' time, panting like a mad dog having had that dream again. I decided I'd be as well getting a glass of water, hopefully that would wake me up slightly. I stepped into the living room and glanced at the sofa, expecting it to be Alex who was watching the TV. And it was, but he had company. "Ryan?" "Hey! You're back," he said, standing up and coming towards me. "You were gone for ages." His tone wasn't unfriendly, but there was definitely something else there. Or was there? God, I'm just so out of it at the moment. "Yeah, we got things cleared up." "It took you nearly six hours to get things cleared up?" "What?" "You've been away for nearly six hours." I shrugged my shoulders. I had to get away from Ryan. Everything just felt wrong. I couldn't place the feeling, I just felt soooo wrong. I turned around. "I'm gonna go to bed, I don't feel well." I began walking down the hall towards my room when I heard Ryan following me. "I waited for you, y'know? That's why I'm here, I waited to see you." "I didn't ask you to wait." The words were out before I thought about them, before I could catch them. I knew they would hit Ryan hard, but I'd deal with that tomorrow, I just had to get away from the world at the moment. "Well I did," he said obstinately. I was at my room door now. "I'm sorry, I just really wanna be left alone right now, I don't feel well." I could feel the dam about to burst, I was close. "Damn it, Jamie. I've just waited for six hours to see you and you're pushing me away AGAIN? I still haven't even been in your room yet and I know you're purposefully trying to keep me out of there." "I'm not. I'm just not feeling well." Why wouldn't he just go AWAY? "Quit fucking lying to me. It's obvious that you're keeping me at arm's length and it's not fair." I opened my room door and stepped inside. "I'm sorry, I'm just not feeling well," I said as I shut the door behind me. I couldn't deal with Ryan; I couldn't deal with anything or anyone. My mind was racing so fast that it had gone blank. Everything was caving in on me, my parents, my dreams, Alex's parents, Ben's mum, and those fucking girls at uni who always laugh at me, the constant snide remarks by Danny, and all the nasty shit that I was surrounded by. My guilt about not being able to open up to Ryan, my guilt for the way I am treating him, my guilt at mocking Ben for spending time with his dying mother, what sort of person does these things? I crawled on top of my bed and pulled the pillow over my face. I began sobbing uncontrollably as darkness swallowed me up. I had an aching in my chest that I feared threatened to consume me. I felt someone's weight on the bed in front of me after a few moments. I thought it was Alex until I felt them lie next to me and pull my head against their chest in a tight embrace. "It's OK, Jamie. I've got you," Ryan whispered. I kept the pillow over my face as my sobbing intensified to almost all out wailing. I couldn't stop myself, I couldn't control myself, the feelings of dread, guilt, panic, disgust, and loathing all coursed through my body completely unchecked. My defences had crumbled and I was reduced to a howling mess in front of the guy who I only wanted to show my best to. My tears began to dry up after a while. Evidently I was all cried out, but the feelings that had reduced me to this hadn't gone anywhere. If anything, they had intensified. Ryan tried to take the pillow away from my face but I gripped it all the more tightly. "It's me, Jamie. Your face is beautiful no matter how much you've been crying. One of his arms was still trapped underneath my head and was holding me tightly, but the other he used to gently run up and down my arm. "It's OK, let it go." I don't know why I listened, perhaps it was tiredness, I don't know. But I eased my grip on the pillow and Ryan removed it. I felt the cold air sting the corners of my eyes. I pressed my face in closer to Ryan's chest and he responded by holding me all the more tightly. "I didn't mean to push you," Ryan said softly. "You know you can open up to me whenever you want?" I nodded my head against his chest. "Is it something to do with Ben?" There it was again, that strange something in Ryan's voice, why couldn't I place what it is? I tried shaking my head. "Do you wanna talk about it?" I shook my head. This was not the time to talk about it. I could barely think at the moment, never mind tell Ryan about everything. I felt him exhale. He was annoyed, he wanted me to open up to him, but he didn't want to push me. I could tell it was hurting him by keeping him at arm's length. "Stay with me," I mumbled against his chest. "What?" he asked. "Stay with me... tonight I mean... please...? I.... don't want to be alone." I felt a soft kiss land on the crown of my head. "No problem," he said softly. My mind was all over the place for hours, but Ryan lay next to me and stroked my hair and my arm gently with his hand. Sometimes some tears would escape from my eyes and Ryan would hold me tighter and tell me it was going to be OK. I finally started to feel myself ease off when Ryan moved for the first time, he got off the bed and walked round to my side. I missed his presence more than I thought possible. "You're nearly sleeping, let's get ready and get under the covers before we both fall asleep." I nodded and sat up. I usually slept in my boxers and nothing else. But if Ryan and I were going to be sharing a bed, what should I sleep in? It was almost as if Ryan read my mind. "We'll just take off our denims and sleep with our t-shirts on, K?" I nodded and I slid off my skinnies as did Ryan. My t-shirt was wet under the arms. I had been sweating whilst I was sobbing against Ryan. I pulled off my socks and tossed them on the floor next to Ryan's socks. I paused for a minute. I guess Ryan had seen worse tonight than me topless, and I strangely trusted him. I pulled my t-shirt off and threw it on the floor. "It was a bit sweaty," I sniffled. "And you've already seen me topless before," I reasoned. I climbed under the covers and lay in the same position that I was in moments before. Ryan crawled under the covers and slipped his arm back under my head to hold me. He was topless too. "My t- shirt was a bit wet." He said. It was wet because I had just spent about two hours crying on it. "Sorry," I apologised. "Shhhhh," he said before he gave me a kiss. "Get some sleep." To Be Continued... Send any feedback to: kyro3@hotmail.co.uk I hope you enjoyed it and thanks for reading!!!