Date: Mon, 30 Jul 2012 12:46:21 +0100 From: Kyro Clark Subject: Glitter and Trauma Chapter 19 ============================================================================== Disclaimer. This story is a work of fiction although it is loosely based on the real life experiences of the author. This story contains graphical depictions of sexual contact between two adult males. This story also contains harsh language or swearing and depicts scenes of alcohol and drug use. It should not be read by anyone where it is illegal to read such material and should not be read by anyone under the age of 18. The author retains the copyright, and any other rights to this story. This story may not be published, copied or redistributed in any way without the explicit consent of the author. ============================================================================= Authors note. Hey! So I guess this chapter is out a day later than I promised but that's because I was busy over the weekend, so apologies :p I have a few things I'd like to mention quickly. Firstly, a few people have commented about how dark the story is becoming. This story was always supposed to be grounded in reality and life is never without its challenges. The story's called Glitter and Trauma and there are supposed to be a few traumatic moments in the story. Thankfully Josh has helped me edit out anything too heavy or anything too detailed which could be used for purposes besides that of enjoyment of reading. Also, I have the next 5 chapters written and some of them have been edited. As such I've taken the decision to release chapters every 10 days. I know that seems like a long time but I have to confess, I enjoy writing more when I have a 3 or 4 chapter cushion than I do when I'm writing the most current chapter. I hope everyone can understand that. :-p A big thanks to everyone for all the emails, I have a few to catch up on as I've been away but will do so later today. And as ever, a HUGE thanks to Josh for all his editing and hard work. Send any feedback to: kyro3@hotmail.co.uk and feel free to add me on MSN for a chat. Also, follow my blog/follow me on Tumblr. I have tonnes of stuff on their and even one or two shorts and oneshots that aren't uploaded anywhere else. http://mad-rocket-scientist.tumblr.com/ ============================================================================= RECAP: My mind was all over the place for hours, but Ryan lay next to me and stroked my hair and my arm gently with his hand. Sometimes some tears would escape from my eyes and Ryan would hold me tighter and tell me it was going to be OK. I finally started to feel myself ease off when Ryan moved for the first time, he got off the bed and walked round to my side. I missed his presence more than I thought possible. "You're nearly sleeping, let's get ready and get under the covers before we both fall asleep." I nodded and sat up. I usually slept in my boxers and nothing else. But if Ryan and I were going to be sharing a bed, what should I sleep in? It was almost as if Ryan read my mind. "We'll just take off our denims and sleep with our t-shirts on, K?" I nodded and I slid off my skinnies as did Ryan. My t-shirt was wet under the arms. I had been sweating whilst I was sobbing against Ryan. I pulled off my socks and tossed them on the floor next to Ryan's socks. I paused for a minute. I guess Ryan had seen worse tonight than me topless, and I strangely trusted him. I pulled my t-shirt off and threw it on the floor. "It was a bit sweaty," I sniffled. "And you've already seen me topless before," I reasoned. I climbed under the covers and lay in the same position that I was in moments before. Ryan crawled under the covers and slipped his arm back under my head to hold me. He was topless too. "My t- shirt was a bit wet." He said. It was wet because I had just spent about two hours crying on it. "Sorry," I apologised. "Shhhhh," he said before he gave me a kiss. "Get some sleep." ============================================================================= Glitter & Trauma Chapter 19 - I thought Halloween was about candy, and Christmas was about possessions? By Kyro "Grrrrrr," I grumbled. "Fucking hair and this fucking hat." My dark dreadlocks were almost all the way down to my chest. All through my life I had wanted long hair, but not this long and certainly not dreadlocks! I adjusted the hat for the umpteenth time. It was sooooo itchy, but I guess I could grin and bear it for a few hours. I sprayed some aftershave on myself and then made my way into the living room where a sexy kitten and the Incredible Hulk had taken up residence. "AAARRRRRRRR! It's Captain Jack!" Rebecca said, getting up from the sofa. "Ready to get your face on?" I felt my shoulders slump. "Do I really have to?" "Yeah!" she said, astounded that I could even suggest otherwise. "Captain Jack wears eyeliner and a bit of mascara to accentuate his feminine and delicate features whilst still retaining a level of masculinity that makes you want him to run his hands through your hair and then utterly ravage you." "Jesus Christ! Steady on there," I said, taken slightly aback. "So, ready for your manscara and guyliner?" "You know calling them that doesn't make them sounds any less gay, right?" "Well word on the street says you're into a bit of bum-fun, so stop being such a bore, it's Halloween." "I'm being gayed-up by a sexy kitten," I said, rolling my eyes as I sat down Indian-style opposite Rebecca. "I like your costume," I said to Rebecca. "And I like yours too, John," I added, trying to take my mind off the fact that I was losing a serious amount of man-points as Rebecca 'put my face on.' It was so uncomfortable having her look at my eyes. I hate my eyes; they make me look like I'm some sort of druggy. They always look glazed and the blue in them is almost light enough to pass as white. GRRRR, why did it have to be my eyes that she was messing around with? I was so damn uncomfortable! "Thanks, you look really pretty too," John mocked. "Oh fuck this!" I said, standing up. John began laughing. "Shut up, John." Rebecca complained. "It's just Halloween; it's not as if he wears this stuff all the time. And for what it's worth, I think guys look hot as fuck with a bit of eyeliner." "I'm not wearing this shit," I said as I began to walk to the kitchen. "I'll never hear the fucking end of it once Alex starts on me." "Oh come on Jamie. Don't be so sensitive, it's just a bit of fun. I mean look at John, he's dressed up as the Incredible Hulk. If that's not an oxymoronic piss-take then I don't know what is." "HEY!" John shouted offended. Rebecca and I let out a chuckle. "Come on, let me finish?" she asked. "You sound like Ryan," I quipped. Rebecca scrunched up her face, feigning disgust, but she couldn't hold back her laugh, which melded with John's. "What?" I asked feigning ignorance to their apparent objective faces. "I have to assert my masculinity somehow." I sat down opposite Rebecca as she began assaulting my eyes again with her pencils and brushes and various other tools. "I don't think making jokes about having gay sex is really asserting your masculinity," John pointed out. "Really?" I asked unable to keep the smile from my face. "Tell me what can be manlier than two guys, butt naked, greased up and going at it like the fine gladiators they are." Rebecca was smiling in front of me. I heard John let out a chuckle. "Fair point." Rebecca continued to poke and prod at my eyes for the next few minutes until she finally declared that I was done. I stood up and made my way over to the mirror on the wall. "You know Jamie, you have really nice eyes. They're almost this greyish colour." I felt myself cringe at her compliment, and I chose to ignore it. I caught my reflection in the mirror; it didn't actually look too bad. Rebecca hadn't put a tonne of the stuff on my eyes. I think she had gone easy and had... done a good job? My only problem with it was that I thought it drew attention to my eyes, my most detested feature. Just then I heard some moaning and groaning. I turned to the living room door leading to the hall and in walked a six foot tall green monster, Alex's incarnation of Frankenstein's monster. I started chuckling. "You look awesome!" I beamed. Alex laughed. "You don't look too shoddy yourself there, Captain Jack. Very man-pretty if I do say so myself." "Screw you, Jack Sparrow is an androgynous guy with feminine features and... er... stuff that are... eh... Rebecca, tell him." "Captain Jack wears eyeliner and a bit of mascara to accentuate his feminine and delicate features whilst still retaining of level of masculinity that makes you want him - " "OK, OK, we don't need you repeating the last bit," John interrupted. I caught Rebecca grinning and did the same. "Jamie, I've got a question for you. It sort of follows on from the whole gay thing we were talking about a minute ago," John asked. "Shoot," I said, catching a can of lager that Alex threw to me and taking a seat. "How did you know you were gay?" he asked. "Oh that's easy," Alex jumped in. "I remember he told me this story a while back," I arched my brow; I don't remember talking to Alex about this. "He told me that he had a rough experience with a girl. He went out one night, pulled a girl and went back to hers. He said he went to do the deed with her but when he pulled her knickers down he was faced with, and this is his words, 'something that looked like the stabbed back of a gorilla.'" "Oh for fuck's sake, Alex," I said, disgusted but still laughing. Alex managed to take control of the conversation again before I could speak. "Nah, seriously, he did tell me though. You had a girlfriend for a few years, right?" he said looking towards me. "Eh... yeah." Had I told Alex why I thought I was gay? I don't remember; but maybe I did. If I'm honest, I don't even know why I'm gay. Maybe I had given Alex some sort of logical, drunken explanation that I couldn't remember. "Yeah, and he said he thought he was straight until the first time his girlfriend asked him to go down on her." "Wha-" I tried to interrupt but Alex carried on talking. "Yeah, that's right, and then Jamie got down there and took a look. He stood up a few seconds later and said, 'I dunno what to do with all that plumbing?'" I shook my head as John and Rebecca lapped up everything Alex said up. "The worst part is, his girlfriend thought he was joking and sent him back down there for round two. He said he tried to stop it from leaking by blowing on it, but apparently that only, 'made things worse.'" I shook my head again as Rebecca and John continued laughing. "After a few minutes Jamie stood up and said he didn't know what the fuck to do, he said that he thought it was 'broke' and that she needed 'Mario and Luigi.'" I put my hand over my face and let out a few embarrassed laughs. Alex was such a dick sometimes. Thankfully I heard someone at the door and I was quick to get up and answer it. I pulled back the door and before me stood some sort of football player, Buzz Lightyear, and the most shockingly gorgeous Peter Pan. "Hiiiii!" Louise said as she gave me a massive hug. "You look awesome. I love Jack Sparrow!" I smiled. "Thanks," I said bashfully. "You look cool too. Which football player are you supposed to be?" Louise shrugged her shoulders. "I'm just a sexy soccer star," she said, wiggling her eyebrows. I smiled and said 'hello' to Danny as he walked in. I think he muttered a 'hello' back to me but it was pretty hard to tell. I guess that would have bothered me had it not been for the utterly and astoundingly sexual scene in front of me. Ryan looked utterly drop-dead gorgeous. I stared him up and down and I could instantly feel myself starting to harden. He was wearing a typical Peter Pan costume with an absurdly cute hat all in tow. His green jacket was rather short and he was wearing the most skin-tight pair of green tights you had ever seen in your life. His long, slender legs looked like they themselves were six feet long. He was sex on legs! He let out a nervous giggle. "Are you going to invite me in? Or just leave me out here and perve on me?" "Obviously you can come in," I said, embarrassed that I had been staring. He came inside and I closed the door behind him. I couldn't help myself. I walked over and planted my lips on his. It started off soft but soon he snaked his arms around my waist and I was leaning into him. Our tongues were exploring each other's mouths and my hands started to wander. I don't think it was something I did consciously, but my hands came to rest on Ryan's soft ass. I gave it a gentle squeeze, which made Ryan jump and break the kiss. He let out a flirtatious laugh. "Hey you. No groping me." I felt a smidgeon of embarrassment poke at me and I grinned bashfully, but it didn't rattle me with self-doubt like usual. I felt like nothing could get to me when Ryan had his arms around me. I felt strangely protected even though Ryan wasn't the biggest of guys. "You're really beautiful, Ryan," I said whilst staring into his eyes. I saw his cheeks flush but he never looked away. Instead he just stared back at me. "Not half as beautiful as you," he replied. I felt a surge tear through me and all I could do was look away at the wall before muttering 'thanks'. Ryan moved his mouth to my ear and whispered in a low, serious voice, "You look sooo sexy wearing eyeliner. I love your eyes so much, Jamie. I wish you'd look into my eyes more often." I felt myself turning crimson. "I don't like my eyes," I whispered back to him. "You're not the one who gets to look at them, though," he whispered again. "You're so beautiful Jamie; I just wish you could see it. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes." I felt Ryan inhale the scent of my hair. I don't know why I found that so erotic, but it made me stand fully erect now. "I really like you, Ryan. You're really special to me." I felt Ryan tense up slightly. Had I said something wrong? Suddenly I felt a hand on my chin as he moved my face to look at him; he brought his lips to mine for another passionate kiss. I felt as if the world just disappeared, and for those few seconds, the only things that existed were us. Just the boy of my dreams, and me, locking our lips together in the most sensual and sexual of ways. I had completely lost myself to the moment and was only snapped out of it when I heard someone clear their throat and startle both of us. I made to step away from Ryan but he held onto me. Danny was standing in front of both of us. "Can I talk to Jamie a minute?" Danny asked. He wanted to talk to me? Maybe he's come to apologise for being such a dick all the time? I was about to answer before Ryan beat me to the punch. "Sure," he said upbeat. A few awkward seconds passed where everyone just sort of stood still and looked at one another before Danny spoke again. "Actually Ryan, I wanted to speak to him Jamie by himself." I felt Ryan pull me slightly closer to him as he tensed up slightly. He went quiet before he let go of me and gave Danny a stiff nod. "OK, but hurry up, I want to leave soon." He gave me a quick kiss before he made his way up the hall and into the living room. Danny watched him go before he turned to me, was he finally about to apologise and soften towards me? He took a step towards me. "I'm only gonna say this once, so listen good and get it through your pretty boy skull before me and you have a problem. If you ever fuck Ryan around, even if it's just a little bit, I'm gonna kick the shit outta you. If you're just in this thing that you two've got going for shits and giggles, or if you're just looking for your nuts, then I suggest you step back before I break your legs and you can't step anywhere. If I find out you've mistreated him, laid EVEN a finger on him, or even upset him just a little bit, I swear to god I'll fucking hurt you so much that you'll begging for your mum when I'm done with you." I had unconsciously balled up my hands. The way Danny's face was contorted had my natural instincts ready to act. I was ready to take a swing at him if he made a move. My temper was flaring and I could see a red mist descending. Who the hell was he to tell me how to treat Ryan? There's not a person in this world who would treat Ryan better than me. Did he expect me to back away from Ryan just because he made a few threats? It was going to take more than that to split Ryan and me up. I clenched my fist even tighter. He turned to walk away before stopping. Apparently he had forgotten something, "Oh yeah, and if you tell Ryan about this little talk of ours... well... if I were you, I wouldn't." I couldn't help myself; I let out a small, bitter laugh. Danny spun round with a surprised and pissed look on his face. I think he was expecting me to cower before him. I walked towards him and let my words flow in a way they hadn't in a while, without me censoring them and trying to sound posh. I let my 'gutter rat' tongue run loose for a second. "You know, I'm not some dumb pretty boy from the west end. You n' all your talk isn't gonna phase me n' it's definitely not gonna put me off Ryan." I walked straight past him and kept my back to him as I made my way up the hall towards the living room. "Ryan's the best thing in my life at the moment, n' I'll be fucked if am gonna let you get between us or try n' scare me off. I may be quiet n' a bit shy, but don't take me as a fucking pushover or an idiot. You throw a punch at me n' I'll take a swing back. And trust me, I know how to fight, I've had two big brothers kicking the shit outta me since I was a kid, so you better be good or it'll be you begging for your mum after I'M done." I paused at the entrance to the living room. I had to get my temper back. Acting like this did no one any favours and if I went into the living room spitting fire then Ryan would ask questions. I knew he'd be upset if he thought Danny and I were arguing. Damn I hated Danny; did he really think I would back away from Ryan just because he tried to intimidate me? I turned to Danny. "I'll look after Ryan and I'll treat him well. But not because of you or what you say, because he's the kindest, purest and best person I've ever met in my life, and he deserves to be treated like royalty." I opened the door and stepped into the living room. Ryan was facing me with a can of beer in his hand and a look of embarrassment plastered across his beautiful face. "I mean seriously, Ryan," Alex was saying, "you've got some set of pins for a guy and not a bad arse either." I gave Alex a dig on the shoulder. "Hands off there, STRAIGHT boy. Ryan's mine." I walked over to Ryan, slipped behind him and wrapped my arms around his slim waist. his soft body felt so amazing to the touch. I was peeking my head out next to Ryan's right shoulder when I saw Danny walk into the living room. He gave me a look and I didn't look away, nor did I blink. I know I was acting a tad possessive, and part of me was worried that I was coming between Ryan and his best friend, but I really liked Ryan. Really, REALLY liked Ryan, and I didn't want to give him up. I really don't react too well to being threatened, and I'm sure if Danny had come to talk reasonably we could have hammered this thing out. But he didn't, and now I knew exactly where I stood with him. He may have been Ryan's friend, but he wasn't mine. He hated me just for being close to Ryan, and truth be told, I could handle that. If having Danny hate me was the only downside of having one of the most beautiful boys in the world in my arms, then I hoped Danny would hate me for a long, long time. Ryan let out a nervous giggle. "You know, I can't really sit down like this." I smiled at him and then gave him a kiss on the cheek. He giggled again before I let him go and he took a seat on the couch. I followed him over and took a seat right next to him. He casually tossed his arm over my shoulder and I shuffled closer to him so that there wasn't a millimetre of space between our bodies. Ryan gave me a huge smile and I felt myself gush. OK, so maybe I was being a bit more than just a 'tad possessive' before when I was holding Ryan and when I was talking to Danny, but this wasn't a one-way thing. I really believed Ryan when he said he cared for me. Shouldn't Danny respect his friends' feelings and back off, even if he doesn't like me? "I'm glad you're not shy about being close to me in front of people," Ryan said softly in my ear. I smiled. "What can I say? You're too damn irresistible." Ryan gave me a kiss as reward for my compliment. I felt myself sink into his body. Ever since we spent the night together, two nights ago, things had been strange. We had been closer, but things had been a bit awkward for me. I thought back to that night. I had spent most of it lying in Ryan's arms crying and being soothed, and I felt a bit embarrassed about it. Not only that, but I had had the same nightmare again only this time, rather than getting to the end and drowning, Ryan had woke me up before it finished. That only further increased my embarrassment, but none of it ever seemed to faze Ryan. He just hugged me again and told me to go back to sleep, which I did. And when we woke the morning after, things were a bit awkward. We both had erections and we were both pretty much naked except for our underwear. I snuck a peek that morning and noticed that Ryan didn't wear boxers. He wore briefs, and my god did they look great on him. I was dying of embarrassment thinking about the night before, but once I pulled on some jogging bottoms and Ryan pulled on his clothes, and he came over and gave me a good morning kiss, it was almost as if my breakdown didn't happen. Ryan was quite simply the most patient and caring person I had ever met in my life. I smiled thinking back to that night. "Actually... em..." he started, snapping me out of my daze and back to the here and now. "This is gonna be the first time we've been out together since we decided to be a couple." I nodded thoughtfully. "We've spent lots of time together at uni, but I suppose this'll be our first time on a night out and stuff. How do you feel about... y'know... us being close together and stuff when we're out?" I asked. "Well we're going to the student union, and we sort of decided that we didn't want everyone at uni knowing that we were gay..." I could feel a smidgeon of anger in Ryan's voice, it wasn't prominent, but it was there. It was me who decided that we should cool it at uni. I was still getting a few snickers from complete strangers, but especially from those same two girls. I guess I never really gave Ryan a choice when I asked him to take it easy in lectures and that. "You know why I don't really wanna out myself to my whole uni year, right? It's not that I'm ashamed of you or even myself for that matter," I said. "I know, and there's no rush, we'll do it when we both feel comfortable." He tightened his arm around me and gave me another kiss. 'God, screw the party, let's just stay here,' I thought to myself. "So we'll keep it pretty hands off tonight?" I asked. Ryan smiled. "Promise." I felt myself relax. Ryan wasn't a big drinker and I knew that if one of us was likely to get a bit handsy when drunk, it would no doubt be him. "So do we all have our costume themed chat up lines ready?" Alex asked. A puzzled silence fell over everyone. "Oh come on, we all have to have the odd, stupid chat up line. Jamie what are your chat up lines?" Of course he was going to turn to me first; I'm like his right hand man. I was still sitting on the couch as close to Ryan as humanly possible, and Ryan still had his arm draped over me. Alex gave me an angry look. "Just because you're with Ryan doesn't mean you can't take the piss out of a few girls and have a laugh. I know for a fact that you've already got a few worked up." I couldn't hide my grin. Of course I did. This was one of the best things about Halloween. I sat up a bit. "OK, so I've only got five. In ascending order, number five. Ahem." I put on my best pirate voice, "How would you like me to shiver your timbaaaaars?" I got a few laughs and Alex started to crack a grin. "OK, number four," I said very professionally before reverting back to my pirate voice. "How would you like to scrape barnacles off me ruddaaaaar." I got a few more laughs. "Em..." I pondered again, struggling to remember. "Ah....ahem... I'd love to drop me anchor in your lagoon, arrrrrr." I felt Ryan shake with laughter, this next one was actually my favourite but I thought with everyone laughing it would be funniest if I were to deadpan with this. "Next is..." I widened my eyes and attempted a more serious tone, "prepare to be boarded." "Awwwww, Jesus!" Rebecca complained, but she was still laughing with everyone else. "And our winner and number one is, I'd love to plunder your dungeon, arrrrr." We all gave out a few laughs before Alex cleared his throat. "OK, so far mine are. Hello, I'm Doctor Frankenstein and I've got a monster," he said wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. After the chuckles died down John decided to call time before things got out of hand. "Right, no doubt we'll hear the rest of them tonight at some point, but it's nearly ten, are we going to get going soon?" I stood up and offered Ryan a hand up. I loved to see him smile and he didn't disappoint as he beamed at me before he took my hand. I hauled him up off the couch and straight into my arms. I was going to spend the entire night with him and I wasn't going to be able to kiss or even touch him in any way other than the usual brotherly hetero way. I gave him a deep kiss as I heard everyone else standing up and getting ready to leave. "All right you two, geez" Alex complained. "Trying to make the singletons like me, Danny and Louise jealous." I felt myself cringe inwardly. Did he have to say that? I was pretty sure that's what Danny was already thinking though, so it probably didn't make any difference. "I think they're sweet and I've got to say, watching two guys get off with one another is hot!" Louise said. I stopped kissing Ryan and couldn't stop smiling, I could tell by the light pink hue that came to his face and the shy smile he gave me that he was embarrassed too. I let him walk out of my arms and we made our way out the door with everyone else. The walk through the park to the union wasn't long; we all sort of kept our heads down and kept quiet as the cold wind blew around us. I could tell that Ryan was really cold, and I wanted to walk over and give him a rub to try and heat him up. I wanted to just hold him in my arms. Everything in this world just seemed less hostile, less wrong and somehow less difficult when he was in my arms. I felt the ache in my heart, in my very soul, lessen when he looked at me. A part of me believed him when he told me that I'm special. We made it to the union and thankfully there wasn't a queue. I guess it's hard to ID people when they're all wearing makeup, face paints and masks. We made our way into the club and got ourselves a few drinks, I turned round at the bar, looked across the dance floor, and the place looked like some sort foggy loch. The smoke machine must have been working overtime and the place was drenched in atmosphere. People were already dancing and seeing the amount of different and funny costumes on offer gave me a shot of adrenaline. This was going to be a great night. The union was already busy and there weren't any seats free, so we decided to just head onto the dance floor. We made our way near to the middle next to a dancing dice before Alex started cutting some shapes. Usually I'd be right there next to him, busting moves that would put any girl to shame, but I felt self-conscious because Ryan was here. I'd never been to a club with him before and I was worried he'd find my dancing ridiculous. After half a song and some awkward feet shuffling from me, I decided to head back to the bar so I could get some liquid courage into my system and loosen up. Alex, knowing that I was going to do some shots, wasn't going to be out-drunk by anyone, so he followed me. "What the hell's up with you?" he asked. "It's bouncing and you're walking around like the grim reaper." "I'm still sober." "When's that ever stopped you before?" "I know, it's just cause of Ryan." "Ryan? You two looked fine earlier. Did you have an argument?" I shook my head. "It's nothing like that, it's just.... We've never really been to a club before and stuff. This is sort of our first night out in a club together." "Ahhh, say no more my friend," Alex beamed. I saw him lean over the bar and indicate six with his fingers. I mentally did a quick tally in my head. There were seven of us. "Alex, there are seven of us, not six." Alex just gave me a cheeky smile as the barman poured six shots of jaeger. I heard him shout back to Alex "six quid". I looked to Alex. "it's a pound a drink?" He smiled even wider and handed me three shots. "Who are these for?" "You," he said before necking his first shot and picking up his second. I wasn't going to let Alex out drink me. I may be gay and I may be haemorrhaging man-points left, right and centre tonight by wearing this makeup, but if there's one thing I could and do well, it was drink. I downed the first shot of jaeger and a small pleasurable burning in the back of my throat made me want more. I drank my next shot and crushed the empty, plastic shot cup just as Alex did. We were both on our final shots. We clinked the plastic cups together before we both spanked them. We both let out 'ahhh's' as the burning in the back of our throats increased. "Ready to head back?" Alex asked. I shook my head before I turned to the barman. "Can I get two rainbow rounds, please." The barman gave me a smile. "You two are going for it tonight." "Hard and fast," I said back to him. The barman put out ten shot glasses and began to fill them in pairs with five different coloured shots. "What the fuck is this?" Alex asked. "It's a rainbow round. Five different shots of Apple-Sours and you've gotta do them all at once," I grinned. "Jesus! We're gonna be fucking steaming for midnight." "Awww. Does baby wants his mummy-kins? Man-up, it's just Apple-Sours." Alex shook his head. "I can't believe I just got told to man-up by a guy wearing makeup." "Fuck you," I laughed. I paid the barman and then we set about tackling our rainbow rounds. The alcohol in them didn't burn in the same way that the shots of jaeger did, but when we necked the purple shot, I think we were both surprised at the taste and ferocity. It was almost like liquorice, but it had been spiced and almost blew my mouth off. If had been doing this rainbow round with anyone else, I would have stopped, but I couldn't chicken out in front of Alex, so I picked up the last shot. It was blue; that was worrying, blue's a little too close to purple for my liking. I downed it, hoping to rid my mouth of the taste of whatever the purple shot was supposed to be, and thankfully, the taste of bubblegum filled and soothed my mouth. Alex's face was still a bit scrunched up. "Easy!" he declared and I burst out laughing. We both knew that that was anything but easy, and anyone looking at his face knew it wasn't easy. I never uttered a word though. We picked up a round of drinks and a round of shots for everyone. We had only been at the bar for ten minutes max, but I could already feel the alcohol starting to loosen me up. We made it back to the group with all the drinks intact. It was no small feat considering we had a drink and a shot for everyone and only two people carrying them all. We handed out the drinks and we all whooped and wooed as we drank our shots. I walked over to Ryan and handed him a vodka and coke. "What's this, you already gave me one," he said, motioning towards the drink in his hand. "Yeah, but that's just the drink that Alex got you because it was his round." I paused for a minute. "I got you this one...." I smiled. "...just for being you." I think the alcohol was loosening my tongue and I was worried that Ryan would think I was being an idiot. But he giggled bashfully and took the drink from me. "Thanks..." he muttered. I had completely embarrassed him, but I think it was in a good way. I went back over to Alex who handed me my drink. I took a sip and looked at our group. We were right at the heart of the dance floor with everyone around us dancing and having fun, and yet we were all sort of looking round at each other nervously. We had been in each other's company before, lots of times. And we had all seen each other drunk before, but we were all a bit unsure of how we should act together in a club. Apparently I wasn't the only one who felt self-conscious about dancing. I don't know why I had felt self-conscious. It seemed like a pretty stupid notion now that I thought about it. I started to move a bit and joke around. Alex, finally having someone he could bounce off, joined in. Soon we were dancing around and cutting all sorts of shapes. We weren't doing anything outlandish or drawing attention to ourselves, I'd never have the guts to do that, but we were just moving around and really enjoying ourselves. After a few songs, Louise moved over to dance next to us as did Rebecca. We were all really having a good time and soon I noticed John was dancing next us too. I looked around after a few minutes and I couldn't see Danny or Ryan. I asked John and he said they'd went to the bar, so I carried on dancing with everyone. After a few minutes they returned and Ryan had a slightly dopey grin on his face. He subtly shuffled over to me once he handed out some drinks and then handed me two drinks and a shot. I was already half-way there and I knew that that these drinks would more than likely put me over the top. I probably should have said no. I know I should have said no. But it came from Ryan, and that made it all the more special, even if he was just returning the favour from earlier. Just then, as if the universe itself intervened into my happy thoughts, a sort of tunnel opened up on the dance floor. It cleared the way for Ryan and me to see two guys, dressed as burglars in black and white horizontally striped jump suits, getting off with one another. I knew Ryan had seen it and I knew it would get to him; this is what he wanted of us. I had told him that I wasn't past the whole public display of affection thing yet, but that was a lie. I was way past that. I just didn't need any more grief from people in our year, and I'm sure a few of them would have a few things to say if they saw me getting off with another guy. I HATED that they laughed at me and talked about me behind my back. Why couldn't they just leave me alone and let me get on with my life? I looked over at Ryan. He was still staring at them. I think he felt my gaze, because he turned to look at me and gave me a weak smile before I looked away. All I felt was shame. I was letting him down again. I tried to brush the whole incident off and began dancing again. Ryan actually joined in and was dancing next to me. Watching his slim hips and slender legs move was entrancing. I wanted so much to be able to just touch him. He had a slightly drowsy look on his face. I think he and Danny had followed Alex's and my lead by doing some sneaky shots at the bar when no one else was looking. I actually had to stop myself from looking at him a few times; a problem kept arising in my underwear and the dance floor was no place for that to come up. Just when I was starting to forget about the two guys kissing and was starting to enjoy myself, especially with having Ryan dancing so close to me, a girl decided to move closer to Ryan and started to dance with him. I knew Ryan was gay and I did trust him, but I was still jealous about seeing him dancing next to this girl. I think Louise saw me watching Ryan and getting a bit annoyed, because she soon went over and started to dance next to Ryan, hoping to scare the other girl off. Ryan even tried to move away a bit, but the girl moved with him and her friends actually followed her. Soon there was a small gaggle of girls encircling Ryan. Louise gave me an apologetic look and I tried to give her a smile to tell her it was OK. At first Ryan looked uncomfortable, but soon he started dancing away with one of the girls. I knew I shouldn't be feeling this, but I felt so hurt and so god damn angry. Why the fuck was he dancing with a girl? I finished my drink and then headed to the bar. Of course Alex followed me and he tossed his arms over my shoulder while we waited to get served. "This place is bouncin'." "Yeah, "I grunted. "What's up with you? Is the Grim Reaper back?" he asked, teasing. I was pretty drunk now and in no mood to mess around. "Leave it out, Alex." "What's up, seriously? Tell me. Is it something to do with seeing those two guys getting off with one another?" He saw that too? "No... yeah... sorta. I just wish Ryan and I could be a bit more... together, when we're in public." Alex widened his eyes. "Wasn't it you who had problems with PDA's? You didn't even like it when he sat too close to you in the flat. And that was just when it was in front of me and John and that." "I know, I know. Fuck's sake I know. But, I WANT to be close to him." "So what's the problem? I know Ryan doesn't have a problem with it. And if anyone was to give you shit or homophobic comments and stuff, you know me and John and Danny would have your backs." "It's not that..." Alex straightened up. "Jamie, what's the problem then?" I sighed. "I just hate having people look at me and fucking talk about me. Especially over here at uni. This place is packed full of people from our course, the last thing they need is anymore ammo to talk and laugh about me behind my back." "Why does it bother you so much?" Alex asked. "I don't know... cause I'm not like you. You're fun, you're outgoing and you've got a big personality. You don't mind being the centre of attention and it suits you. You're the life and soul of most nights out. No one talks shit about you and when they do, you just shrug it off." "That's because it doesn't matter what a bunch of fucking strangers and weirdos over here think about you. If your friends like you, then who cares about what anyone else thinks?" "I do! You're not the one they're all fucking sniggering at behind your back. YOU actually fit in here." "Oh fucking thanks a lot Jamie. I fit in with the 'weirdos'." "You know what I mean. Your parents are pretty well off. You know how to speak right. You don't spend almost every day in an environment where you know you don't fit in, having people who think they're better than you, looking down at you, laughing at you and destroying any self-fucking- confidence you actually manage to muster up." "Is that what this is about? Because those dicks in our class laugh at us?" "Not us Alex, ME. They're laughing at ME." "NO Jamie, they're laughing at US. Do you want to know what they find so fucking funny? Do you want to know what they're saying about us? They call us peasants. That's it. They laugh at us because we're poor." "But... you're not poor." "So? Like they give a shit. That's my point. They know nothing about me or where I come from. They just think I'm poor because of the way I dress and because we hang together. You used to get the bus to uni every day last year; they call it the peasant-carrier. So some brain-dead bastard came up with the ingenious idea of calling us two peasants." "They wouldn't be calling you that if you didn't cut about with me." "So what? Do you wanna bomb me out now and hope that they stop talking about us." "Shut up, Alex. You know I'd never do that." "Exactly. And do you know what? This is why I hated Ben. Cause I thought he was one of those pretty little rich kids, but, fair play, I'll hold my hands up, he's not like that. But you and him becoming mates didn't exactly help things." "Why?" "Come on Jamie, you're gay. Look at Ben objectively as if he wasn't your friend. I'm straight for fuck's sake and even I can tell he's a good-looking guy. Plus he's loaded and he's obviously got some brains if he's on our course. Half the girls on our course wanna screw him and half the guys wanna be his BFF." I let out a laugh. I never imagined Alex ever using the term 'BFF'. "And now you start hanging with Ryan and Danny too. Two guys who pretty much kept to themselves since we started in first year. I mean, anyone who gets close to Ryan usually gets put off by Danny." "So what?" "Jesus Christ, Jamie. Are you that fucking stupid?!? They're JEALOUS of you." I let out a snort. "Fuck off Alex." "You think I'm joking? How many times have you seen Laura and Angela talking to Ryan? How many times have you seen them trying to get cosy with Ben? Jesus Christ! The only reason I gave Ben a chance was because he didn't hang with them and their cronies." I was at a loss for words. I was genuinely gobsmacked, and my inebriated mind was struggling to digest everything. "So if the reason that you're scared to be with Ryan in public is because you value the opinion of those fuckwits so much, then maybe you oughta get your head checked. They're just cliquey, stuck- up elitists who haven't grown the fuck up. They still think they're in school, where fucking social status means everything." I felt ashamed at myself. I actually felt embarrassed for the way I had been thinking. "Oh yeah, and for what it's worth, I'm not rich, my parents are still holding out on me, so you're buying this round," Alex said. I looked up and he had a coy smile on his face. I gave him a weak smile as we continued to wait on the barman. "Fucking peasants! Can you believe that? As if they couldn't come up with something better than that," Alex fumed. I let out a small laugh. "You're actually more pissed off that they couldn't come up with something better than peasants than the fact that they're talking shit about you behind your back?" "Fucking damn straight. Peasants is so cliché. I could have come up with something more creative than that." "True. I don't know why I was getting so pissed off." "Exactly," Alex enthused. "You've got a right to be upset; you come from a pretty wealthy family. But they hit the nail on the head with me. My family's so poor, when we go to the pond, the ducks throw bread at us." Alex let out a laugh. "Seriously? You're making pauper jokes?" "I've got about a hundred more of them," I grinned. I paid for the next round of drinks and we set off back across the dance floor to find the group whilst using the dancing dice as a homing beacon. As we approached I saw John, Rebecca and Louise still dancing but with Danny standing beside them looking pretty grumpy. As I got closer I saw what he was looking at. It was Angela and Laura, and they were talking to Ryan. I felt a bullet of hurt tear through my chest. Why was he talking to THEM?!? I could see Laura giving Ryan subtle touches to his arm here and there. She kept leaning her head in too, pretending that she couldn't hear what Ryan was saying; did she think that everyone didn't know exactly what she was doing? I heard Alex over my shoulder mutter, 'oh shit' as I approached the group. I handed everyone their drinks before I waked over to Ryan. He had his back to me and couldn't see me approach. I walked up to Ryan and handed him his shot and his drink. He took them out of my hands and I asked him, "ready to down 'em?" He smiled and gave me a stiff nod and we both finished our shots. I took a step towards Ryan, put my arm around his waist and attached it to his hip so that we were standing side by side. Laura gave me a strange look as if she couldn't understand what the hell I was doing. I looked at her for a split second before I turned to Ryan; she wasn't going to say hi anyway. Ryan's face was a picture of bewilderment, but he didn't try and move away from me at all. "Your shot looked different from mine, what flavour was it?" I asked. Ryan furrowed his brow. "It looked the same colour as yours. I think it was - " I leaned forwards and pressed our lips together. I thought Ryan was going to pull away. He certainly did a little bit at first, but after he got over the shock, he opened his lips and let my tongue enter his mouth. God, the sweet taste of the alcohol made Ryan's kiss even godlier. I heard a girl screaming her head off so we broke the kiss. It wasn't coming from the Laura or Angela though, but rather from behind us, we turned round and Louise was gushing as she stood and took in the sight of Ryan and I kissing. Rebecca had her arms around John's neck but was also beaming at us. Alex had a huge shit- eating grin on his face and Danny's face was as stoic as ever. I looked back into Ryan's eyes. "Wanna dance?" He beamed at me. "You bet." I gave him another small kiss before we walked back towards our group without as much as a backwards glance at Laura or Angela. We started dancing again, only this time Ryan wasn't dancing next to me, he was dancing WITH me. His hips were even more hypnotic now that he was dancing directly in front of me, and his legs were so sexy in those damn tights. I don't know how much contact Ryan was comfortable with, but I literally couldn't keep my hands off of him. Soon we were standing almost on top of one another boppin' and grindin'. His hands were so seductive and they were all over me. I may have had my fair share to drink, but it wasn't the alcohol I was drunk on. I was drunk on Ryan, and I still hadn't had enough. After a half hour or so, I saw Alex beckoning me to the bar, so I begrudgingly gave Ryan a goodbye kiss and made my way through the crowd. In amongst all the smoke and hustle and bustle though, I somehow managed to lose him. I knew he was heading to the bar so I made my way through the crowd and waited there for him. I stood on my tiptoes. A giant green monster couldn't be that difficult to spot. I spun my head left and right a few times, but I couldn't see him. I stood at the bar; still scanning above everyone's head when suddenly the guy in front of me spoke. "Well if it isn't the Damsel herself?" I gave the stranger a look before I ignored him and continued to scan for Alex. "What's wrong? Can't you see through all your makeup? Don't you even recognise your own brother?" I gave the stranger a second glance. He was dressed as some sort of soldier and was wearing a large camouflaged helmet that looked too big for him. "David?" "Got it in one pretty boy." I beamed a huge smile. "David!" I couldn't believe it, my brother was here! I made a move towards him to give him a hug when he put his hands up to stop me. "Easy there, pillow muncher. Let's save the kisses and cuddles for your boyfriend." His tone was serious and intimidating. I didn't understand. "How... how are you?" I asked. "The family and I are doing great! Not that you give a shit." "What?" I asked dumbfounded by his level of animosity towards me. "So how's your little experiment coming along? Tired of munching sausage yet?" "I... I..." His face was coarse with anger. This wasn't what I was expecting. I took a sharp breath as the adrenaline started to flow and my hands began to quake. "Yeah, I thought so. Well don't think about coming back home, we don't want you. We're doing fine without you." I swallowed hard and straightened up. I couldn't believe what he was saying. "Thought I'd tell you just in case you thought we were all pining for you and crying ourselves to sleep every night. I didn't want you to get the wrong idea," he said, giving me a wink. I couldn't talk, I was speechless. My throat was so dry and it felt like I had tried to swallow an orange whole. "Don't get me wrong. For a while, mum was upset. She even convinced dad to let you come back after a day or two." They would have let me come back? I couldn't believe what I was hearing, they would have accepted me; they would have accepted that I was gay...? I felt my heart lighten. Maybe there was still a chance? Maybe I could show them that being gay isn't that bad? Maybe I could show them that it isn't wrong? "Yeah, mum spoke to dad and after a few days he agreed to let you come back. He even went to a few places to see if they could help you. One of them has nearly a seventy percent cure rate for poofs like you. They could have got you help." After I heard him speak those words, it was like my heart broke all over again. The pain in my chest blazed and my breathing became tense. I could feel my eyes start to water, but I didn't want to cry in front of him. "Personally, I'm glad you didn't come back. The last thing we need's a little cock hungry whore like you running around trying to catch glimpses of us all in the buff. Wanking over thoughts of our arses and shit like that." He took a step towards me and squared up to me, but I couldn't even look at him. His words had rendered me catatonic as I looked at the floor. I couldn't believe what he was saying. "Things are far better without you. We want you to stay gone." "Is everything OK, Jamie?" I looked round, still shell-shocked. Ryan was standing there, a look of concern on his face. The tears were almost falling down my cheeks now. "I- I- I have to go to the bathroom," I said before I made my way through the crowd. I pushed and squirmed my way through the crowd before I made it to the club's exit. I rushed outside and made my way to the park. I couldn't believe what he said. They had wanted to CURE me, they were better off without me, they didn't want to me to come back. I was trudging through the dark of the park; I had strayed from the path to try and get home quicker. The density of the trees around me increased as I clutched at my chest again, how could they think that I could be cured? Did they think I had a DISEASE!? I stopped rushing and stood against a tree. My breathing was too laboured and my chest felt like it was crushing in on itself. How could they be so heartless? How could they HATE me so much? I felt the pain in my chest increase as I was openly gulping for air now, I felt as if I was drowning. How could they do this to their own son? How could they do this to their own brother? Doesn't family mean something? I can't change being gay, I've tried and it's IMPOSSIBLE! Why.... Do... they... hate.... Me...... To Be Continued... Send any feedback to: kyro3@hotmail.co.uk I hope you enjoyed it and thanks for reading!!!