Date: Fri, 7 Sep 2012 13:26:51 +0100 From: Kyro Clark Subject: Glitter and Trauma 21 ============================================================================== Disclaimer. This story is a work of fiction although it is loosely based on the real life experiences of the author. This story contains graphical depictions of sexual contact between two adult males. This story also contains harsh language or swearing and depicts scenes of alcohol and drug use. It should not be read by anyone where it is illegal to read such material and should not be read by anyone under the age of 18. The author retains the copyright, and any other rights to this story. This story may not be published, copied or redistributed in any way without the explicit consent of the author. ============================================================================= Authors note. Hey! I've been utterly slammed with quite a lot happening in my private life lately, hence the late post. Even now as I write this I'm in a rush so I'll keep it short. Apologies for taking so long to answer emails, as I say, I've been busy. A HUUUUUUGE thanks to Josh for editing this chapter. I only have a few left to release but I'm not going to give a release date again as that was an epic fail :P Thanks for the all the emails and I hope you're all well! :) Send any feedback to: kyro3@hotmail.co.uk and feel free to add me on MSN for a chat. Also, follow my blog/follow me on Tumblr. I have tonnes of stuff on their and even one or two shorts and oneshots that aren't uploaded anywhere else. http://mad-rocket-scientist.tumblr.com/ ============================================================================= RECAP: Ryan kissed the top of my head. "Jamie?" "Yeah." "Were you... were you trying to kill yourself?" There was a strange quietness to the room, Ryan wasn't judging me. His tone was caring and worried. Was I trying to kill myself? If so, then why didn't I? I'm sure there were enough pills and alcohol there to have done so. I thought back to seeing Tweak. If he wasn't real, then he was all in my head. That means I wasn't arguing with him, that I was arguing with myself. All the things he was saying to me, those were all the things I thought people were thinking about me. But I told him they were wrong. I... told him that it wasn't my fault that I ended up in this situation. Did I believe that? Was I completely blameless for my situation? If so, then why do I feel so guilty, so helpless, so alone and so scared? I shifted closer to Ryan and hugged him a bit closer. "I don't think so. I think I could have if I wanted to. I think... I just... wanted to get away from all the pain for a while." Ryan rubbed my back a bit. "I'm always here for you when you're ready to talk to me." I thought back to my argument with Tweak and the words he shouted at me: "you're a depressive! You're holding all your secrets and hatred in, trying to protect everyone like you're some sort of martyr!" I swallowed hard. "I know. I'm gonna try, promise." ============================================================================= Glitter & Trauma Chapter 21 - Ryan's Tale By Kyro I looked around me. These bare, white corridors were familiar. I had seen them before but I couldn't place where. I felt a gentle nudging in the back of my mind as if it were trying to tell me something. But every time I tried to think where I had seen these corridors, or what the nudge meant, the thought evaporated. I continued walking down the halls, taking various left and right turns until I turned right and stopped at a dead end. For the first time since I began walking down these corridors, the walls weren't bare and the corridor didn't seem to stretch out before me. I walked over to the first painting, curious as to what it could be. My heart stopped. A picture of my brother stared back at me. He looked angry, vengeful even. I swallowed hard and moved onto the next painting. It was a picture of my other brother. The same look of hate and judgement plagued his face too. I moved onto the next picture. My mum. The next picture, my dad. I could feel the panic rising. "I couldn't help it," I confessed. "I didn't mean to be gay." I backed away from the paintings. They couldn't hurt me if I didn't look at them. Just then I saw something begin to stretch out of the painting. Something small and grey... a shoe? It was a shoe and with it came a leg. But something wasn't right about the leg. It was too long and too slim. It was huge in length and pencil thin. I backed away as legs started to emerge from the other paintings. What was happening, were things really coming out of these paintings? I took another step back as heads and torsos began to emerge from the paintings. The faces were rancorous and all of their eyes were fixed on me. The ceiling began to extend upwards to accommodate the size of these things that had come out of the paintings. I tried to speak. "Dad, I'm so - sor - " The words wouldn't come as the faces of my family all stood high above me. They were united against me. My dad's face was fraught with hatred, I was petrified. I swallowed hard again, but something caught in my throat. I was struggling to breathe. My father began leaning down towards me and fear took over me. I snapped my eyes shut. I was rooted to the spot as the giants descended upon me, my chest tightening, it would only be a matter of seconds now before he got to me, before he got his revenge for tearing the family apart. A few moments passed as I fought to control my breathing. My heartbeat had become erratic and my breathing felt laboured and forced. Why hadn't he got me? I tensely opened my eyes and light as bright as the sun shone harshly against my face. I felt uneasy as the heat made my mouth and skin dry. I raised my hand up to try to block it out and get some respite. Once my hand caught the light, I could see in front of me. There was a crowd of people, all stern faced, sitting in expectation of me. But why me? And what was I supposed to do? I looked down at my body. A guitar hung around my neck. Its weight was intense and the strap was cutting into my neck. I was struggling to breathe, and I grimaced as I tried to adjust the strap. But it was no use, it wouldn't move. The crowd in front of me started to boo. I looked up and almost hit the microphone with my head. What was I supposed to sing? I could barely breathe, never mind sing! My chest grew even tighter as my breathing became arduous. I was grimacing with almost every breath. I felt my knees weaken. I was trying to apologise to them, but I couldn't talk. I hit the floor with a thud, the face of the crowd looking at me. Some of them booing, some shouting vehement abuse at me, and some of them were just laughing or smirking at me. I was a failure and they knew it. I felt the guitar strap tighten around my throat. It burned harshly as I looked out to the crowd feebly; no one was coming to help me. The guitar strap tightened and the air into my body was further reduced. I had to pant just to try and stay conscious. I clenched my eyes shut, trying with all my power to free myself from the guitar strap's vice-grip. But it was no use. I continued to lie there, panting, having accepted the inevitable tightening of the strap that would choke all life from me. It would soon be over. Everything was becoming dark. The crashing of waves startled me and I snapped my eyes open. The cold salt air hit my lungs hard as I continued to gulp in air. I sat up on the large cold rock that sloped gently downwards towards the sea. I felt a gentle nudging in the back of my mind again. This place was familiar. I tried to stand, but I couldn't, I was so feeble. The pain in my chest was excruciating. I didn't know how I was still conscious, and I was frantically gulping in air and clutching at my chest. I didn't think I could keep this up for much longer. The water began to froth and bubble and white foam began moving towards the rock I was laying on. The froth began lapping at the foot of the rock and I could start to make out a few colours coming through. My stomach sank. Now I knew what the nudging in the back of my mind was. I remembered this place and I remembered what was going to happen. Some things began to emerge from the water. They were walking out, upright. I couldn't move, couldn't run, I was helpless as the figures came closer. My family. I couldn't talk. I could barely breathe. This was it, I could tell that this was the end for me. I lay my head back on the wet rock as I turned my gaze to the cloudless sky. The sound of me struggling to breathe and the roar of the waves were the only sounds as my family took hold of my shoulders and moved me into the water. I looked into each of their faces and silently pleaded with them to stop as they slowly and effortlessly pushed my head and shoulders under the water. I tried to hold my breath, but my constant gulping for air had my lungs conditioned to greedily take in as much air as I could. What they didn't know was that I was now submerged and they would be taking in water. I was begging for help as the icy water began to fill my lungs. My chest felt like it was going to crush in on itself. The pain was unbelievable. I opened my eyes; desperate bubbles of air were popping all around me as I saw through the blurry water, two golden wings - I woke up gasping. I was trying desperately to breathe but my oesophagus felt as if it had been flattened. Ryan was lying next to me snoring lightly. I clutched at my chest as my vision became spotted and blurry. I was going to pass out again. Just then, I felt a cold sharp breath enter my lung. My body immediately reacted by trying to gulp again but my oesophagus clamped shut quickly. I was panicking. I knew that wouldn't help me so I tried to calm down and take slow deep breaths. I had to control my lungs and not let them gulp for air. Just as I felt the dizziness overcome me again, another breath of air made it into my lungs. As soon as it did, I held my breath as I felt my lungs spasm again, trying to get more air. I tried taking another long deep breath and it worked; I was managing to control my breathing. My vision began to come back and the pain in my chest eased off. I was sitting up, still panting, the duvet stuck to my skin, but I was conscious. I sat there, trying to get my breath back and make as little noise as possible. I didn't want to wake Ryan. The sweat was lashing off of me and the heat was intense. I peeled the covers off of my chest when I became acutely aware of something. My sweat-covered body was cooling quickly all over, all over except for my lower half. I put my hands under the covers and the shock and embarrassment threatened to stop me breathing again. I had wet the bed. I felt myself immediately tense up; thankfully there was a small gap between my right leg and Ryan's leg. I pressed hard on the gap with my right forearm, hoping to stop it spreading from my side of the mattress to Ryan's. I did the same on the other side of my left leg. I could feel the wetness now against my legs. This was utterly humiliating. There was nothing I could do, there was no way I could clean this up without waking Ryan and there was so much of it, I couldn't just lie down and hope Ryan didn't notice it or hope that it'd be all gone in a few hours' time. I could feel it spreading down towards my toes, which meant that it would be spreading past my arms towards Ryan too, soon. I had to do something and quickly! I gave Ryan a few nudges with my elbow. I couldn't risk taking my arms off the mattress. I had to keep pressing down on it to stem the flow. If I could just get him out of the room, then I could turn the mattress and take the sheets home. I could tell him that I wanted to wash them since it was me who slept in them as a guest. It was a stupid idea, but it was the best I could come up with. "Ryan, wake up. Wake up Ryan," I said, nudging him with my elbow. "Wha - what is it?" he said groggily. "What's up?" I swallowed hard. This wasn't going to be easy, but there was nothing else I could do. "I'm not ready to spend the night with you; I want you to get out until I get dressed." "What? What are you talking about?" he asked, waking up pretty quickly now. "I want you to go outside your room until I get dressed; it was a mistake for me to stay the night, I wasn't ready." He looked over at the alarm clock. "But Jamie, we've spent a few nights together now. The time when you were passed out and the time when you asked me to stay over at yours. And it's nearly five o'clock. You've practically stayed the night, what difference would another few hours make?" "I want you to go NOW," I reaffirmed. "This was a mistake." My tone was cold and heartless. I could see a whole new level of hurt in Ryan's eyes. This would be it for us; I knew it from the second that I looked into his eyes. He'd never forgive me for this. He crawled out of bed and walked to the foot of it, he bent down to pick up his clothes when he stopped for a minute. "Jamie have you spill - " he was looking at the side of the bed now and then he looked up at me, his eyes ablaze. I couldn't meet them for long, I was humiliated. I had pissed the bed and he knew it. "Please, just go." I said, staring away from Ryan at the corner of the room. I could feel tears of shame begin to roll down my face. He walked up beside me, leaned over and tried to pry my hands off of the duvet. But I wouldn't budge; I could feel myself cutting off the circulation to my fingers as I gripped the duvet tight and pressed my forearms down against the mattress. He pulled my head towards his chest again and held me. "It's OK, don't worry about it, it's OK." "This is not OK!" I sobbed. "None of this is OK! I shouldn't be here! I shouldn't be doing this! It's not OK! I'M not OK!" I wanted Ryan to let me go, I wanted him to get as far away from me as humanly possible. He shouldn't be dealing with this, he shouldn't be seeing this! But he wouldn't let go and he wouldn't let me shake out of his grip. He held me tightly and continued to plant soft kisses on the top of my head until he slowly got me to loosen my grip on the duvet. "Come on, let's get you showered." "I can't move." "Come on," he said, trying to get me to move. I refused. "I've gotta clean this mess, if Danny or that were to - " "No one's going to find out," he rubbed my back soothingly. "We've got to get you cleaned up." He tried to move me again but I didn't budge. "Can you... look away?" He knew what I'd done. But I still didn't want him to see it. "OK, I'll go run the shower." I saw him walk out the door. I peeled the covers back and stepped out of bed. I pulled the duvet back over the mess; he didn't need to see that. I glanced down next to my clothes; the sheet that covered the mattress had a clear wet patch on the side of it, that's how Ryan knew I had wet myself. I grabbed the pair of Alex's jogging bottoms that I had taken earlier tonight and I set out for the bathroom. I used them to try and cover the stained underwear. Ryan was standing outside and I could hear the faint spray of the shower coming from behind the door. I couldn't bring myself to look him the eye, I was so ashamed. "I'll be done in two and then I'll get out of your way," I mumbled as I walked past him. "I'll probably be in the kitchen," Ryan replied. I walked past him and entered the bathroom. I quickly stripped the cold, stained boxers off of me and put them in the sink with some cold water before I stepped into the shower. The spray was warm and relaxing. I could feel it cleanse me as I rubbed the shower gel all over my body, but the feeling of shame and embarrassment wasn't so easy to wash away. I began crying again, the tears blending with the water from the shower. I was utterly wrecking any chance I ever had with Ryan. We had barely been going out for three weeks and I was already leaning on him and showing him all of my problems and frailties. I'd be surprised if when I turned this shower off and opened the door, and Ryan hadn't left my clothes lying in the hall with the message 'get out!' I washed my hair and stayed in the shower until my sobs disappeared. Finally, I stepped out and put on Alex's jogging bottoms. I had no choice but to go commando. I took the stained boxers out of the sink and gave them a twist to try and dry them out. I walked out of the bathroom and entered into the kitchen. Ryan wasn't there. A part of me expected him to be gone, and even wanted him to be gone. After all, he didn't sign up for this. But it was still a tiny heartbreak that somehow managed to make me feel even worse. He hadn't left my clothes lying around though, so I'd have to go back into his room to get my t-shirt and jacket before I could leave. I trotted back to the room and opened the door, almost tripping over something. Sheets? Bed sheets? What were they doing there? I looked over to the bed and Ryan was just about to finish changing the duvet cover, having already put a new sheet on the mattress. "Hey. I've cleaned the mattress and flipped it over. I've just about finished changing the sheets and the duvet cover. And I changed the pillow slips too. I thought I might as well change them if I'm changing the rest." He let out a small chuckle. I was speechless. He had tidied up my mess. I felt embarrassment wash over me; he saw first-hand the mess I had made to his bed. Ryan finished changing the duvet and looked over at my shell-shocked body. "Ryan I'm, I'm really so sorry." He must have seen something in my face, because he walked over to me and planted the softest kiss on my lips as he wrapped his arms around me. I had no fight left in me. All the crying and sobbing had taken that out of me; I just sunk into his embrace. After a few minutes, Ryan let go of me and then picked up the sheets. "I'll put these in the washing machine and I'll put it on for a long wash." "I'll get them," I protested. "Just get back into bed, I'll be back in a jiff, and give me those too," he said as he took my damp boxers out of my hand and sped away. Get back into bed? Did he honestly expect me to get back into bed after what happened? I sat on the edge of the bed with my eyes closed, I was so tired but I dare not go back to sleep, not after what had just happened. Ryan came back a few minutes later and started to strip his jeans and t- shirt off again. "You're not going to sleep in those joggies? Are you?" he asked. "I'm not going to sleep." "Jamie, it's half five and we never went to sleep until two. You can't just keep surviving on coffee. You have to sleep." "And what? Piss myself again?" I couldn't lift my gaze from the floor. I was a disgrace. Ryan walked to his side of the bed and I felt the bed bounce as he crawled into it. "OK then. If you don't wanna sleep then fine. But you could at least just lie with me?" "If I lay with you though, I'll fall asleep." "SO if you're tired, then what's the problem?" "I just pissed the bed, Ryan. For fuck's sake I think you can guess the problem!" I bit. I felt Ryan run his hand up and down my bare back softly. "Has it happened before?" "What? NO! I'm some sort of serial fucking bed wetter." "OK, OK. I was just asking." There was something in the way he said that that made me think he didn't believe me. I turned round to face him. "I never wet the bed, this was the first time, OK? I was just... I just...." I swallowed hard. "...nightmares," was all I managed to say before I turned back around. Ryan returned to rubbing my back gently. "Do you want to talk about them?" I shook my head. "Jamie, come lay with me. I promise I won't let you go to sleep." I shook my head. I felt him urge me by pulling gently at my hips. "Come on Jamie, you can trust me this much. I promise I won't let you sleep." I gave in slightly and I fell back against the cool bed. I went underneath the covers with Ryan but kept my back to him and some distance between us. It was a difficult thing to do in a single bed. He was allowed to get some sleep if he wanted to; it wasn't fair that I should keep both of us awake. Once I was under the covers, Ryan shuffled closer to me and spooned, with him being the big spoon. He draped his arm over me and I almost jumped at how close he was. "What are you doing? Get away! What if i... what if it happens again?" I said trying to squirm away, but Ryan wouldn't let me. "It won't happen again, cause I promised not to let you sleep." His voice was so calm, so assured. "Hmph..." I stopped struggling and Ryan loosened his grip around my chest, his hand was hanging lazily around my body. "We need to get a bigger bed," I said. "We're too cramped in here." I could feel his warmth behind me; his body was like clay as it melded to my very shape. I could feel him press himself up against my cheeks. He was hard but he wasn't pressing it into me or urging me. I guess if I were in his position I would probably have found myself hard. "I guess we've been struggling a bit lately, haven't we?" he asked. "It's my fault, I'm a lousy boyfriend," I said, defeated. It was true. "Why do you think you're a lousy boyfriend?" I let out a snort. "Come on Ryan, you don't need to coddle me. I know I suck at this. I fly off the handle at every little thing. I spend most of my days thinking about you, thinking about being with you, and then when I do spend time with you, I do everything in my power to keep you at arm's length. The only ones I talked to honestly were my fish. How pathetic is that?" He gave me a small kiss on the back of my neck. "That's not pathetic. Before Danny came along, I used to tell all my secrets to my cat. His name was Stereo." "Stereo?" "Yeah, he was awesome." "What happened to him?" "He died before I left home and came to uni." "I'm sorry." "Yeah, he was a great cat and he was my best friend for a long time. But once he died, I thankfully had Danny to help me get through life." I absent-mindedly began fiddling with the sweatband around Ryan's wrist. He let out a chuckle. "What?" I asked. "It's just... I mentioned Danny and my cat, and then you started messing with my wristbands." "Why is that funny?" I asked. "You're not the only one who has trouble opening up, Jamie." He let out a deep sigh. Something big was on his mind, and I was too afraid to speak in case I startled him into clamming up. "When I was younger, I knew I was gay. I mean, I knew I was gay when I was like, twelve or something. And I guess, I thought that it was natural. I told my mum and dad when I was thirteen. My mum is really religious and she wasn't convinced that I was gay, but her and my dad were really supportive. They told me it was OK and that even if I thought I was gay then, it didn't mean I wouldn't develop or change as I grew older. They told me that no matter what I was or how I defined myself, they would always love me. I thought maybe my mum's religion would be a problem, she's really a strict Catholic, but apparently on this issue, she thinks the church have got it wrong." He paused for a moment. "Anyway, when I was at secondary school I got teased a lot. Kids used to say that I looked like a girl and they picked on me a lot. Of course it wasn't long until people started calling me gay. The only people who knew that about me were my parents, so I knew that they were guessing, but that didn't stop people from spouting 'batty boy' and 'poof' and 'knob jockey' at me every time they saw me, as if it was fact. Anyway, after a while, I guess I just got used to my own company. By the end of second year though, I met this kid in the toilet, he was crying because three guys in fifth year had took his bag off of him and stuffed his notepad and jotters down the toilet before they kicked him around." "Jesus," was all I replied. "I guess you could say we bonded. We understood each other, the constant teasing, the fear of getting our asses kicked, the humiliation of not being able to stand up for ourselves, and the self- loathing at having to lie to our parents when we would come home full of bruises. It was a special kind of helplessness that no one could really understand until you were in that situation." I took Ryan's hand and clasped my fingers in between his before tightening it. "We spent the remainder of the school year getting closer, and something had started to grow between us. Something besides friendship. I was too scared to act on it, but even then, at fourteen, I knew that this wasn't an ordinary friendship. One night, when Brian was at my house hanging out, he kissed me. I was so scared to act on it, but when he saw that I never pulled away or ran a mile, he kissed me again. After that, we spent almost every second we could together and he told me that he loved me. I had never felt so complete or so special in my entire life." I knew it was petulant and I knew he was talking about things that had happened years ago, but I still felt jealous hearing about Ryan being with another guy. "When school broke up for the summer holidays, things got even better at first. I used to spend almost all my time over at his house. His mum was always home, so we never got time to get up to anything sexual, but it was still great just to spend time with him. Then one day, when we were in his room getting off with one another, his cousin came in and caught us. His cousin was a year older than us and had just recently moved here. He told me to get scarce and I did." Ryan let out a sigh. I could tell this was hard for him. "After that, Brian stopped hanging with me as much. At first he said it was because he was busy and that he really missed me, but by the end of the summer holidays, he would barely even answer the phone to me. I guess a part of me thought that once we got back to school, we'd start hanging out again. I was wrong. Brian's cousin started at the same school as us and apparently he and Brian had a new set of friends, and they hated my guts. "I didn't understand what was happening and I finally managed to corner Brian one time in the toilet. I asked him what was happening and why he was hanging with the kids who were kicking the shit out of me. He told me that I had turned him gay and that he didn't want anything more to do with me. He punched me hard in the stomach before he walked out and left me in the toilet all by myself." I could hear the pain in Ryan's voice now. Hearing him tell this story was killing me, but I knew he wanted to get it out so I remained quiet and gave his hand another squeeze. "I had taken a few punches in my time, but none of them hurt as much as that one. I thought he liked me, I really thought he LOVED me. A few days later rumours started to fly round that I had tried to molest Brian and that I had tried to turn him gay. Brian and his cousin's word had almost become gospel in school. Suddenly people who would just normally walk past me in the corridors started to give me hassle. I was getting two, sometimes three kickings a day as well as all the usual verbal stuff. "I had never felt so lonely or so ashamed. I felt like scum, like I didn't deserve to walk amongst these other guys, like I didn't deserve to breath the same air as them... like I didn't deserve to live." Ryan's voice was cracking now, he was unmistakably upset and I'm sure I heard him sniffle. "After a few weeks of all the teasing, all the beatings, all the heartache, I did something stupid, Jamie. I tried to kill myself." Ryan was openly crying now. I turned round on the bed and shuffled closer to Ryan. It was my turn now to console him. He continued to talk even through the crying. "I took a knife to my wrists and I cut deep, three times on each wrist." "Shhhh, it's OK, it's OK," I said, trying to soothe him. "My mum found me and called the ambulance. I was completely out of it by then. She wasn't even supposed to be home that day, she got sent home from her work because the machinery broke down. I can't believe I did that to her, I can't believe I was such a selfish bastard. I was just struggling so much and I never even thought about what I was doing to my parents." I continued to hold him tight and whispered words of comfort, but the truth is, hearing Ryan cry like this was breaking my heart and I was doing my absolute best not to burst into tears too. After a while, Ryan began to calm down so that he could speak again. "I spent a while in the hospital and I had to go see this doctor twice a week. He tried to help me and gave me lots of medication, but it was no use. I was broken." The word resonated with me. That's exactly how I felt. Broken. "They let me out of the hospital and sent me back to school, but I never told them why I did it. I still had to visit the doctor a couple of times a week too. Everyone knew what had happened, word got round that I'd tried to top myself. For some kids, that was enough to get them to back off and leave me alone, but for others, that just gave them more ammunition. I had only been back for a few days when I got caught between classes by two guys from the year above me. They started ripping on me for being gay. I couldn't even bring myself to say anything back, I just started crying and those bastards actually mocked me even more. 'Look at him, he's crying. What're you gonna do, huh? Go home and kill yourself again?' "They just never gave me a minute's peace. They never let up or gave me any respite; they were relentless. I had no defence against them. I just stood there, but then something happened. This guy stepped in and told them to back off and when they didn't, he kicked their asses. Both of them." Ryan let out a sniffle. "It was Danny. We ditched the rest of classes and he took me back to his house. He told me that I shouldn't let those kids hit me. He told me that I shouldn't let them bully me. That my friends and I should stand up to them. I told him that I couldn't fight; that I didn't have any friends... that he was the first person in my life who had ever stood up for me... "Do you know what he said? He told me, 'I'll be your mate and we'll stand up to them together'. Just as simply as that." Ryan loosened his grip around me and wiped some of the tears from his eyes before he took hold of me again. "I didn't believe him. I told him that he didn't want to be friends with me. He asked why and I told him that it was true... that I was gay. I told him that I never molested Brian, that it was him who kissed me and that that was all that we had done. I told him that I thought I loved him, that Brian had told me that he loved me. I thought Danny would have ran a mile. Most people would have. But all Danny said was, 'Brian's a dick and so is his cousin. You don't need 'em.'" Ryan let out a chuckle. "That was all he said about it. I asked him why he would want to be friends with someone who was gay. I told him, 'I'm gay, isn't that a problem?'" Ryan let out another laugh. "All he said was, 'I'm straight, is that a problem?'" He sniffled a few times. "He can be a bit blunt and to the point, a man of few words. But he gets his point across. He couldn't give a shit if I was gay. I didn't believe him though, not until the next day. After first period I was getting some hassle again. This time it was just this one guy. He started getting physical, he was constantly pushing me against a locker and asking why I wasn't hitting back. He was calling me a bitch and telling me that only girls took it like this. I didn't know what to do until Danny knocked the guy on his ass with one punch. He told the guy to keep the fuck away from me otherwise he'd beat the shit out of him. "I guess that's when I started to believe that maybe Danny was going to be my friend. We ate lunch together that day and Danny walked me to and from most of my classes. He was my personal bodyguard. We even had a few classes together now that we were in third year and they had shuffled us around. I asked Danny a few years later why he decided to help me that day. He told me that he helped me that day because 'he never noticed me getting picked on before then.' "The rest of the week went the same way, with Danny walking me to and from classes and eating lunch together. He kept telling me that I had to stand up for myself; that I had to stop letting people walk over me. That if I would only stand up for myself then people would back off. But I couldn't, even with Danny in my corner; I couldn't find any reason that I should stand up for myself. I still thought I was dirt. "I think word got round that Danny was hanging around with me and the he had stuck up for me, but apparently some people didn't believe it. I don't think many people knew who Danny was until then. He wasn't unpopular, he was just a bit of a loner. Anyway, on the Friday afternoon at lunch, Brian, his cousin and their two friends came over to our table. Just seeing Brian was like a cold pike through my heart, but I kept talking to Danny as if nothing was going on. Eventually though, Brian's cousin started to make a few comments about me being gay and molesting Brian. I looked at Brian. He just sat there quiet, he didn't even deny it. "Danny stood up and told him to shut his mouth. I told Danny to just leave it, but he wouldn't and Brian's cousin wasn't going to back down. He started talking shit saying that I tried to rape Brian and that I had tried to get him and Brian to have a threesome with me. Danny nearly took his head off with the first punch. He jumped on top of him and started beating the shit out of him when Brian and two of their friends jumped in and started to kick the shit out of Danny. Danny was a good fighter, but there were three of them, four when Brian's cousin managed to get up. "I'd never really been in a fight before. I'd had the shit kicked out of me, but I had stopped fighting back a long time ago. I was past trying to stand up for myself, but there was something about seeing Danny fighting, knowing that he was only doing it because of me, that made me help him. I started fighting, not for me but... for Danny. Someone who I'd only known for a few days." "Did you kick their arses?" I asked. Ryan let out a snort. "No. I can't fight to save myself and I got a bit of a beating. But Danny really kicked the shit out of them. He made sure for every punch I took that they took three. I don't remember much about the fight itself, except that at the end, just before the dinner ladies and teachers broke it up, I was on top of Brian and I was punching the living shit out of him. Something inside me snapped that day. Seeing Brian join with the people who made my life a misery was the final straw. When sitting at the head teacher's office afterwards with Danny, I looked over at him and he had a burst lip, a black eye and a smile the size of Jupiter. I asked him why he was smiling, we were probably going to get expelled. And all he said was, 'you stuck up for yourself. Well done, most of them will leave you alone now.' "I tried telling him that I did it for him and not for me, but he wouldn't listen. We both got a two week suspension and my mum and dad forbade me from hanging out or even talking to Danny ever again. They constantly pressed me for details on why I was fighting, but I didn't tell them. I couldn't. I had some bruises in my time when I was growing up, most of them I tried to hide, but I tell you, those black eyes, swollen lip and countless bruises on my arms were worn with pride. "On the first day of the suspension, Danny came round to my house in the morning when both my mum and dad where still home. My mum was livid. But Danny wasn't intimidated; he stood outside my house, on the steps and waited until my mum was done shouting at him and calling him a bad influence and telling him to stay away from me. When she was done, Danny asked her if she knew why I tried to kill myself; he asked her if she knew what I was fighting for the other day. I told Danny to shut up, but he didn't, and I'm glad he didn't, because I was so tired of trying to hide everything. He told my mum about the beatings and the bullying. He left out the part about Brian, thankfully. But he told her and my dad about all the rest of it and I made sure to tell her how Danny had only been fighting to help me out. My mum asked me if it was true and I confessed that it was. "The look of hurt and shock on my mums face was indescribable. Do you know what she did after Danny told her? She hugged him, she actually hugged him! It was a complete one-eighty in a matter of seconds. My god, you've never seen anything so funny in your life. Danny isn't much of a hugging guy, especially when it's strangers. He was squirming and pulling faces, but my mum gave him the warmest of hugs anyway. She still gave us a row for resorting to violence, but she actually invited Danny in and thanked him for sticking up for me. We spent the next fortnight hanging out every day, usually playing computer games. It was usually at my house and my mum even made us her special shortbread that she usually only makes at New Year. "I guess I didn't get it then, but now that I look back on it, that was when things really started to turn around for me. It's funny how having just one guy in your corner can change things and make it all the better for you. After our two week suspension, we went back to school and almost everyone was staring at Danny and me. They were staring, but they weren't saying anything. He was right. All I had to do was stand up to them and the majority backed off. The rest of school was a breeze after that. Danny and I had a few run-ins with people here and there, but it was mostly plain sailing. No one really wanted to mess with Danny after word got round that he put two guys in the hospital." "Jesus! He put them in the hospital?" I asked, shocked. "Yeah, he put Brian and his cousin in the hospital. One had a busted face, I think it was his eye socket or something and the other one had a few broke ribs. Danny really kicked their asses although I think I had something to do with Brian having a busted eye socket," Ryan said, letting out a little chuckle. I poked at his side. "Jesus, I'd better watch, I'm lying next to the next Mike Tyson." Ryan giggled again. "Nah, I'm not a fighter. Sometimes people just push you and you end up doing things you don't want to do, that you don't think you can do, but you somehow do for the sake of your friends." "I know what you mean." A few moments of silence passed. "Jamie?" "Yeah." "Where were you on the night of Halloween, you were away for ages before you came back to the flat. And who was the guy you were talking to in the union?" I sighed. I guess this was my first big test. "I was in the park for a while, and the guy you saw me talking to use to be someone I knew. He used to be close to me, he used to be important, but he's not anymore. I don't know him anymore." "The only reason I'm here today, Jamie, is because I had Danny in my corner. No matter how low I was, no matter how much I felt like scum, Danny was there for me. I just want you to know that I'm in your corner, no matter what." To Be Continued... Send any feedback to: kyro3@hotmail.co.uk I hope you enjoyed it and thanks for reading!!!