Date: Tue, 18 Nov 2008 16:17:32 +0000 From: Steve Thomas Subject: Growing Up Joshua, Ch. 21 Growing up Joshua This is a work of pure fiction, but based on the author's feelings,beliefs, and in some cases, experience. Come to think of it -- it mightnot be all that pure! There may be graphic sexual encounters at timesbetween males, so if this offends you, you are invited to retreat. If youare too young or it is otherwise illegal for you to be reading this kindif story, shame on you for reading it - - please stop here. If not, - -ENJOY! Cast of characters: Joshua Alan Black II Barbie Warfield -- my mother Dennis Warfield -- my stepfather Alva Benson -- my Gram (Grandma) Iver Benson -- my Pop (Grandpa) Richard -- My favorite Cousin Ray and Raul -- Richards' younger brothers. Nate Willows -- My first roomie. Rudy Chanbers -- Friend across the hall. James Meriwether -- Mid-year Transfer Morty Rankowiscz -- college friend Zach Taylor -- new friend Tom Clancy -- Zack's dad. Jane Clancy -- Zach'z mom. Dania, Darcy, Deanna, Danny and David -- Zach's Sibs >From Chapter 20: "I was fourteen when I was sent away. I have to tell you -- I cried myself to sleep so many times -- because you were taken away from me. Did you do that?" Asked Richard. "I guess I handled it in a different way. I was angry. Not at you, Rich! At your parents -- at your Gram. That's when I started Tai-kwon-do. I took out my anger and aggression in my lessons. My instructor, Antonio, was worried that I might hurt someone. And ... I did -- when it was necessary. But not often." "You feel awesome, Joshy. You're hard body and your hard -- um -- I'm so glad you are here for me this weekend. I'm a little worried." "What about Rich?" "I've -- erm -- never -- um -- done anything -- with a girl before. Joshy -- what if I can't -- um -- do it?" Chapter 21 "You're only 22, Rich. You HAVE to be able to." "I've never been with a girl, Rich. But I know I could -- fuck one -- if I had to. "I'll think of -- you -- if -- if - " "Why are you getting married to -- I mean -- of you don't even know if -- you're -- um - " "I need to show I'm ready to take over the head of the corporation -- before my dad retires. And he want's to do that soon." "But your dad is still young." I said. "And both his parents died relatively young. Gram was only 62." "Well, anyway, worrying about it won't make it easier. Just assume that it will work. What have you told Bunny about -- um -- you?" "NOTHING!" I wanted to talk to him about that, but it seemed a little late in the game, and also I didn't want to make him even more paranoid. "How's your head feeling?" I asked. "Dull throb. It'll be okay in the morning, I think." "Hey! You're gonna be married in less than 48 hours!" I said, hopefully sounding more upbeat than I was feeling. I felt a twinge of something stirring in my loins, but it was rather counteracted by the twinge of sadness I felt in my heart. Not only did I feel bad for him -- and his fears, but ... for me and my ... disappointment! Nighty-night, sweet cuz!" I said. I kissed him and we snuggled to sleep. "Were you sleepy heads going to sleep all day?" Came a staticky voice through the ancient P.A system installed in the Mansion. It was Richard's mom. "Will you be coming to brunch, boys? It'll be in 40 minutes. You're brother is already out here, Joshua dear." "Okay, okay -- we'll be there, Ma!" said Richard, half awake. I was still holding him. He giggled as he wiggled his ass against my pee wood. "Ohh, careful there, Cuz1 Too much Coke last night!" I said. I tried to hop over him, but he popped up and ran to the bathroom. I joined him at the toilet and we both tried to bend our stiff poles down to relieve out bladders. "My God, I don't think I'll ever get used to that magnificent piece!" he said, gawking at me. We were both unable to bend it sufficiently, so he suggested we take a shower. I don't mind golden showers ... when they're under a real shower! It felt great to let loose and we peed all over each other for ... it seemed ... at least five minutes! When we finished we stood under the hot shower spray and watched for our wood to subside. It didn't. I wonder why? We washed each others backs and dried on the softest, whitest towels I've ever seen. When we got to the dining room, my brother gave me a look as if he knew what we were doing. I just frowned at him. That's not to say I didn't want to. Every cell in my body was screaming out for my cousin! My mother looked better than I've seen her -- ever. Maybe it was her new financial status. Maybe it took a few wrinkles from her face or something. She was still thin as a wisp, but she looked nice. I told her so and she glowed. The rest of my family, The General, Mom and James, weren't there, but Bunny and her family were. Her sister looked like her, only she looked jealous of all the attention Bunny was getting. Well, duh! It IS her wedding! But it seemed like Bunny was intentionally rubbing it in. I wondered if Richard caught that -- or wondered, as I did, if that someday would be what he would have to put up with. Richard had told me she knew nothing, but it seemed like she was even giving ME a conqueror's look. I tried not to react. Breakfast was the last we saw of the women. Nate and I accompanied Richard to far flung places all over the Sacramento valley to pick up the tuxes and other various things that were necessary for the wedding and ... that bachelor party. I too felt a new sense of freedom, with my new status. I had no idea how much it was yet, but Richard assured me I'd never want for anything. I don't know if he knew what I wanted the most! I felt good being with him, but guilty about my feelings for him, and also for "cheating" on Zach. I really wasn't, but I felt that way. I insisted on paying for everything having to do with the bachelor party -- at least everything we encountered that day. Luckily I even got to pay the caterer! My brother thought I was going insane. Because of our promise not to make anything of yesterday's revelations, I couldn't tell him the truth. I just put it all on a credit card that I had gotten only three weeks before. Nate warned me that I was treading thin ice, and I even got a call from the credit card issuer, that someone was using my credit card a lot. I assured than it was me and that it was okay. We stopped in at the Roseville Nordstrom store and I bought one new complete outfit -- to wear to the party. I also insisted on buying Nate something. I bought a pair f designer jeans that I never could afford before, and when Nate saw them ... having no idea how much they were, he said, "That's what I want!" I said okay and told him to try some on. When he saw the $250 tag, he almost went ballistic. Again I insisted. "Pop's gonna flip out!" He warned. Both of us knew better. "Pop" would prefer to let me learn life's lessons the hard way than "flip out" over something like that. I bought a ribbed tee, and another expensive shirt to top it. When both of us were outfitted with new threads, we dropped Nate off at his hotel. We'd see each other next at the manor, for the party. Then I did something completely insane. I asked my cousin where a good place to get a hair makeover was. He took me to a salon on J Street in Sacramento, and though it was by appointment only, I learned the power of money. The stylist, Riley, was definitely gay, hair bleached white, and swishy. I looked through a catalog and found a very cute guy with a shag cut, with the ends tipped. Riley cut it and combed it all down then air dried it, and it fell completely natural. "Omigod, Josh! You look so hot!" Said my cousin. When the party started, each person that walked in had a different reaction to my new look. My mother and Mom said it was a "cute" and "darling" look. The General did a double-take and said, "Well, who's this boy and ... what have you done with my son!" But ... he was smiling. "Oh well, I guess you're a California boy after all!" He laughed. So did everyone else. They weren't laughing AT me ... were they? Of course when I say everyone, it was mostly men. My mother and Mom went out with my aunt for the evening. Uncle Richard sniffed and half smiled. He was proud of his number one boy, though. Richard looked very masculine and up scale, in relaxed jeans, a plaid, short sleeved shirt and an old pair of deck shoes with no socks. He had a platinum chain on his neck that disappeared down his shirt. The party was pretty sober until the strippers got there. Richard had promised Bunny that there wouldn't be any, but his father had other ideas. (Yes ... sorry to say ... they were girls!) They danced and stripped nearly all the way, then the hottest girl came, topless and with no more than a g-string on the bottom. And did a lap dance on Richard. She grabbed his crotch and said, "OHHH! You have something here you wish I'd take care of! Well, sorry, sexy, that's not in my job description!" Everyone laughed and she hopped up and dragged him up too and started to try to take HIS clothing off. But to her dismay, Richard was completely sober and not going for it. "Haha!" Said the girl, "Maybe you should have ordered up a pretty boy!" He lost his half smile turned red and jerked his hand away so fast that she stumbled on her high heels. She pouted and came to me. I just turned around and ignored her. She looked at Ray and Raul, but they were obviously too young for that kind of shenanigans. She found a willing partner in bunny's father. He danced and played her game like it was HIS party. After the girls left, some old football and soccer videos -- of Richard and Nate at the Point -- came out. We watched those for a good 40 minutes, then Bunny's Dad left, which was the beginning of the end. Soon everyone was excusing himself, and then it was only me, the boys and Uncle Richard. "Sorry about the girls son," said my uncle to Richard, "but when Ralph (Bunny's father) told me of your promise, I had to do something about that!" This night we went to Richard's suite completely sober and not really that tired. As soon as we got in and he closed and locked the door, he said, "Okay ... tonight I am completely sober and know what I am doing. Last night I could explain away sleeping with you as I did. I was drunk -- right?" "Um -- yeah," I said, "I guess." "When Bunny made me promise that there would be no girls, of course it was no problem -- for me! I didn't want any. She's gonna be pissed when she hears about it." "Really? It wasn't you who arranged it. And ... did you see how -- well of course you did. Her father was the one who playing their game!" "Maybe that's why she is so touchy about the subject." He said. "What she DIDN'T talk about was my last single night." He said. Then he grabbed me and kissed me passionately -- fiercely. I melted in his arms. But as he pressed his advantage it made me uncomfortable. "Rich -- you're going to be married tomorrow. Maybe we should cool it a lit - " "Joshy! You're absolutely right! I AM getting married ... tomorrow! But tonight is MINE. Tonight is OURS! Cuz -- we may never get another chance ... to do what we can do tonight!" He looked from at me from eye to eye. Everything in my said YES! My body ached to have the one boy that I've never stopped loving -- in my arms -- in my embrace -- in my ... "NO!" I cried. I jerked away and in doing so, I stumbled back and fell on the floor. He fell on top of me and pinned me. I didn't have it in me to push him away. As he lay on top of me he kissed me again. I resisted, but gave in quickly. He started to hump on me and said, "Josh, for the love we never got to share growing up. For the love that I will probably always have for you -- just this night. JUST THIS ONE NIGHT!" I was so torn, so confused, so ... burning with desire! I wrapped my arms around him and held him close, shaking from the excitement I felt ... and the raw horniness! Richard extricated himself from me and helped me up. We undressed, doused the lights and climbed in the big king-sized bed. "I want you so bad, Josh, but -- you have a guy back home -- don't you?" "Yeah." I said. "Are you going steady with him?" I thought long and hard about it before answering, "No." "Have you made any promises? -- Oh! Wasn't he supposed to come out with you to the wedding?" "Yes." "Why did he stay back?" "I know why -- and I still don't want to betray him." "You know why? Asked Richard. "Why?" "He didn't want to get in the way of you ... and me." "Damn, Joshy! Did he say that?" "Yes." "Well, then he was as good as giving you permission -- to - " "He was, but I know it would still hurt him. I can't do that, Rich." "I understand. It's why I love you so much! I hope he knows what he's getting!" He said. He said that and again wrapped his body around my own and kissed me deeply. I returned the kiss. It was obvious that we were both leaking pre in abundance. "Can we at least have a wank together?" He asked. In the dim light I saw him take his out without my answer and start to stroke it. I removed his hand and put it on mine. "Oh!" He said, the smile obvious in his voice. "Okay!" I started to stroke him. Because of my hood-protected head, I was gasping before he was ready. I expected him to slow down a bit, and let himself catch up, but he didn't. When he could tell I was going to blow, he quickly positioned his face in my crotch and caught the spunk. I was not in any shape to stop him. He continued to wank himself as he drank my nectar, and was soon spraying spooge all over both of us. He climbed back up and kissed me deeply and I tasted of my own strong sex. Again, he spooned up to me, and I held him close all night. I'm not sure if I woke up slightly or if it was dream -- him crying softly in the night. The young teen voice of Richard's 14-year-old brother Raul came over the old P.A. system. "Okay, Drop your cocks and grab your socks!" Then 16-year-old Ray, said, "OR ... drop each OTHER'S cocks and - " Then in the background, we heard Uncle Richard say, "I just asked you to wake them up!" Richard pushed the button on the transceiver by his bed, "Yeah, yeah! You two just keep talkin' about YOUR morning ritual! We're awake!" We showered together. "You looked so damned hot in those new clothes! I wanted to eat you!" "I believe you did." I said. "Oh -- yeah! Thanks for that!" "It wasn't as if you asked permission." I quipped. "You could have stopped me." "I could have, but my head was not in a place to stop you." "I know -- and I'm sorry, Joshy! Forgive me?" "No need. I feel justified. It's cool." "I wish it was you I was marrying." Said Richard, with a serious face. "I wish you were too!" I thought. "But I have to -- keep up an appearance -- if I want to inherit the CEO-ship from Dad." "Almost doesn't seem fair." I said. "What?" "My inheritance doesn't have any strings on it. But you are his son and you have to - " "My inheritance is the same as yours -- no strings attached. But in addition, I -- and my brothers -- get equal shares of company stock -- about triple what you and your mom got, when you figure in our mother's inheritance. That's over and above what we all got the other night. I could take this money and run, but -- no, I can't." "When will you tell Bunny about -- about -- you, Rich?" "She and I have an arrangement. Our marriage was arranged. She is a virgin, and so am I -- at least with girls -- and neither of us is very attracted to the other." He suddenly grabbed me and stood under the shower for a few moments. "Sometimes I hate myself." He said. "I cried most of the night, you know." "I wasn't sure if it was a dream or - " "It wasn't a dream." He said and started to cry again. I held him for several more minutes like that. Then we got out and dried off As we were walking out to the dining room, he said, "A lot of couples learn to love each other as time passes." As if he were assuring himself. "I hope so." I said. I didn't find out until the reception -- which Bunny's parents arranged at a very baroque hall in Sacramento -- that they also wanted me to attend another reception in Pennsylvania, after the honeymoon. I only saw Richard once more, the morning they flew off to Tahiti. He got me alone long enough to say, "It worked!" "I TOLD you!" I said, smiling. "And Joshy ... I LIKED it!" "Great!" I said, and it felt like something died inside me. But I flashed him a wide, triumphant smile and a thumbs up. I tried not thinking the rest of the day, because every time I did, I got a conflicting message: "What the F!!! do I want him to fail at this? GROW UP!" While at the same time, a plaintive wail that I could not really even understand, but it felt like "It's not fair! He was lost, then he was found and now he's lost again!" "Are you okay, Bro?" Asked Nate. "Yeah -- sure!" I said, none to convincingly. "Hey -- d'ya think we could find our way back to that corner down in Sacramento -- you know the gay corner? Where was it?" "20th and K." I said. Numbers have always had a way of sticking in my head. "Only first I want to go somewhere that I saw earlier." I told Nate to get dressed to go clubbing, and then I asked one of my cousin's to drive us to the Shingle Springs Nissan dealer. When I told Ray to leave us there, Nate asked if I was crazy. "I think I may be getting that way!" I said, as Ray drove away. Hey, Nate, do you have time to drive back with me?" "Huh?" "I'm gonna buy a car." "You're crazy!" "I know, but it's time." "You've already spent so much on your credit card -- you'll spend most of the rest of this decade paying it back! As your brother - " "Half --brother!" "As your Half-brother ... you OLDER half-brother -- I have to tell you - " "Nate -- sit down. I am nineteen now and -- not a little boy any longer I - "" "Hello! I'm Archie! May I help you boys?" Asked an aging salesman. "Um -- yeah, I want to drive that Xterra there -- the silver one." I said. "Could you get me the key?" It was in the showroom and was completely pimped out. With large diameter run-flat tires with chrome rims. It sat about 18" off the ground! "Joshy!" said my brother. "Yeah, so does every boy that walks in here. I'm afraid - " Said the salesman, as if he were talking to someone in junior high school. " -- but my brother and I have something to discuss first." I said, turning my back on the guy. I sat with Nate on a bench inside the show room. The salesman sniffed and walked away. "What are you doing?" Asked Nate. "Nate -- we were asked not to say anything until everyone was gone -- so as not to take away from the wedding. Nate, when my step-father died, he left me a fortune -- and not a small one! I can afford this." Nate took a moment to let what I just said sink in. "You're serious, aren't you?" "Fraid so! I'll explain more later if you need me too. But for now, let's buy a car!" I stood and looked around. Outside the showroom were several guys standing around, waiting for the next customer to come. I saw a very young looking guy -- maybe between my age and Nate's -- and walked up to him. "I want to buy that silver Xterra in there. Can you handle the sale?" I said, walking back into the showroom, with him trying to keep up. "Oh! Well! I -- um -- I'll need to talk to my sales manager." Before I could say anything, he signaled someone in the building and out came Archie. "Let me guess! This BOY wants to drive the silver Xterra!" "He never said anything about driving it. He only said he wants to buy it." said the young sales dude. "Son, that's the oldest ploy on the books. He want's to drive it! He's already tried with me. I told him no way!" I asked the sales dude his name. "I -- I'm Auggie." "Can I speak with the sales manager, Auggie?" I said, ignoring Archie. "Hello!" said Archie, smiling triumphantly. "I am the sales manager. How may I be of service?" "You may get yourself out of Auggie's way, so he can sell me a car." "What you don't understand is ... BOY ... even if you COULD buy that car, you'd still have to go through me to do it. You see, I was your first contact, and - " "We don't give a flying fuck if you own the place!" Said Nate. "Customers deserve some respect -- at least where I come from!" "And I will have to ask both of you to remove yourselves from these premises!" Said Archie. "Guys, you want to help these boys on their way?" said Archie to a group of nearby salesmen. "Nate, sit down." I said quietly. Then I turned on Archie. "I expect you should get your supervisor here now, sir. I want to talk to - " "That would be me!" Said a voice from down the hall. A man in a gray suit strode to us and asked, "What seems to be the problem?" "These ruffians here are demanding to - " Started Archie. "Are you the owner of this store?" I asked. "Yes." "I want to buy the silver Xterra here." "Have you checked his references, Arch?" "No, Bill, he's just - " "He's just a customer, Arch!" the owner said. "Do you have any references, Son?" Asked Bill. "Only if the name Dennis Warfiield means anything." I said. "Mr. Clark, please wait for me in my office." Said Bill to Archie. Archie looked daggers at me as he slumped into the office. "Now, how may I help you, Sir?" Asked Bill. "If it's okay, Auggie was very nice to us; can he help us?" "Of course." "And -- please understand: I don't want anything to go to Mr. Clark from this sale -- Bill." I said, shaking his hand. "Neither do I. Archie is a good motivator, but sometimes he is overly judgmental of some customers. But you must understand ... he's my brother-in-law ... " He smiled sadly. Maybe he was just relieved that I didn't demand Archie's resignation. We drove to 20th and K in style. There was a parking place right in front of The Depot. We walked in and there was a long bar with a couple video screens going above it -- of sexy guys dancing or posing. In the back room were a pool table, and a dart board, plus a door outside as well as another to another bar. There were mostly young people outside, so we headed there. It was the smoking area. We went back in. We really felt like tourists, as no one paid us any attention. In their defense, we may have appeared to be together. We went across the street to a larger complex, with a regular bar, with another outside smoking area, another patio, a country and western dance floor, and a karaoke bar -- Faces Nightclub, it was called. Nate pulled me on to the C&W dance floor, where several cowboy looking guys were already gyrating to the C&W music. Two guys had seasoned looking cowboy hats on and as they were topless, we could see a very hairy chest on the older looking one, and the younger one -- looked younger than I -- was smoothchested, and with 6-pack abs. Another was in no more than a hat, and some skimpy cut off jeans ... and boots! He was skinny but - cute! The others looked the part of cowboys. As we danced, one of the guys came up to my front and rubbed himself on me. We then went to the karaoke bar and Nate showed me that he could sing! He sang a C&W tune I never heard before. Everyone was laughing and having fun. But ... again -- except for the flirty cowboy -- who was way too old for me -- no one acted interested in saying anything. I suppose that our own shyness worked against us as well. We called it an early night, and went back to the Manor. When we rang the bell, we were taken to the den, where Uncle Dick had invited our dad and Bunny's dad for the evening. They were involved at the pool table, playing a game of cutthroat. "Early night for you guys, huh? Wanna challenge the winner?" Asked Uncle Dick. Naw, I'm kinda tired, I said, yawning. I think I'll just get myself to bed." "You might like your brother to stay with you. I know that Richard would insist you use his room." Added Uncle Dick. "Actually," my pop said, "Nate at least should come back with us to the hotel. We'll be leaving in the morning for Milwaukee." "Oh -- about that, Pop. Joshy wants me to drive back with him." "Drive back ... in what?" "I bought an Xterra this afternoon." "You what?!!" Said my dad. "And how were you planning to pay for this -- this car?" "Actually the boy has plenty" Said Uncle Dick. Pop looked at him as if we were all crazy. "His stepfather provided well for him." "Nate, the plane fare is non-refundable." Said our dad. "What airline?" Asked Uncle Dick. "United." "I'll fix it for you. Let the boys have their fun. God knows it will not last forever." Said Uncle Dick. I never knew his to be so warm and friendly. Maybe he felt secure now -- with Richard "safely" married. When we got up to Richard's room, Nate said, "I have been meaning to ask you about something, Joshy." "What's that?" "Well, I was really disappointed that you didn't come to my graduation from the Point." "Gosh, I sure wanted to -- what with both you and Richard graduating. Had I known what I know now, I would have. But I didn't want to quit the Burger Palace. They've been awfully nice as it is, giving me time off." "Are you okay with Richard?" "What?" I said, not willing to immediately admit what I was feeling. "You're my brother, Joshy. I saw you several times -- probably thinking no one was watching. You looked -- um -- well -- pretty hurt -- that Dennis was being married. You really -- um -- love him, don't you?" I clouded up and said, quietly, "Yes. I have to ask YOU something now." I said, wanting to get the subject off me. "Anything, Bro!" He said, smiling. "Did you and Rich -- ever -- do anything?" After a long pause, he said, "Um -- well -- yeah." "It's okay. Neither of you had any way of knowing there could be a connection." I said. "What -- did you do?" "Joshy -- you shouldn't be hurting yourself this way. I can tell this is painful. He's married now. Just try to forget." "I want to know, Nate. What did you do?" He took my hand and let me to the bed, pulling me down to sit next to him. He held both my hands, looked into my eyes and said, "Pretty much everything." "So he was pretty -- um -- sexually active -- at the point?" "I don't think so. I was! I was the one who drew him out. He was pretty shy -- at first." "Oh." "Is that good?" Asked Nate. "Uhm -- oh! Yeah, I guess." Nate and I could not sleep together without touching, but all we did was cuddle. I think he knew I was not ready. And he had promised Seth not to push me. The next morning, I called my boss and thanked her for all she'd done for me and told her I would not be coming back to work. And as this all happened right after graduation, Nate didn't have a job yet. With two weeks to get back home, then to the Pennsylvania reception, we took our time driving to Wisconsin. We went to my parents' hotel to say good bye. They ooed and awed over my new car. We took them to Sacramento International, and when we dropped them off, I headed to the stores in Roseville that Richard had taken me too. I bought us both very hot and stylish traveling clothes, then he asked me where I had my hair done. I knew it was south of 80 on J street. We found it. The white haired guy was there. I tipped him largely and he quickly gave Nate a twin cut to my own. My mother asked me to stay in California, but my life was in Wisconsin. My only reason to have moved to California was on his honeymoon in the south seas. And -- sorry to say -- even though I have forgiven my mother -- I don't feel all that close to her. I asked if maybe she wanted to come to Wisconsin. "Brrrr!" Was all she replied. The next morning My brother and I were off across country in my new Xterra. Our first stop would be Lake Tahoe. Lake Tahoe in June is gorgeous. From the shore you can see bands of colors, as it gets deeper, starting out with almost yellow near the shallows close to the shore, then greens, down to deep blue where it is the deepest. We drove around the lake, getting to Carson City, Nevada. We took highway 395 south, taking a short detour to Virginia City, a city made by the silver era. Mark Twain published a news paper there for a time. 395 quickly returned us to California, where we drove through the Tioga Pass to Yosemite, to see the great Half Dome and El Capitan rock formations, as well as Yosemite Falls, then down through Kings Canyon and Sequoia National Parks. Devil's Postpile was eerie! You may wonder why we went south before going east. Two words: Las Vegas! After driving through Death Valley, the driest, hottest and lowest place in the USA. It is 282 feet below sea level. From the lowest place you can see the highest peak in California -- and the continental USA, Mt. Whitney, at 14,505 feet above sea level. After visiting "Scotty's Castle" which we learned never belonged to "Scotty" and it wasn't a castle ... we drove to Las Vegas. I was too young to gamble, but that wasn't why we went to Vegas, anyway. Both Nate and I were completely blown away by all the casinos. When I think of a casino, I think of a place to play gambling games. But these places were much more than that. Each was a hotel compound, with a city in the basement. You can buy anything ... and almost anyone -- you want -- in Las Vegas. Las Vegas is in the desert, and it is desert hot all summer, but these places are of course all climate controlled. Not only that, but they had ceilings painted like the sky, and one of them even had periodic rainstorm ... where we actually got wet! We felt more at home in Vegas than anywhere I've ever been ... at least where it concerned being gay. In the first place, no one cared, and besides that, there were so many obviously gay people everywhere we looked. Guys walking around, holding hands, kissing ... some of course making a spectacle of themselves. We stayed at a place called the Bellagio. It has a wonderful, very large fountain in front of it where the shooting water was choreographed to music. It could have actually been quite romantic. We stayed only one night there, in the most luxurious room I have ever seen. It had a Jacuzzi tub in the bathroom big enough for two, with a TV on the wall. That was the closest we came to doing anything sexual with each other. We got in the bath tub, and as I sat between Nate's legs, I fell asleep -- we both did. When the timed water jets stopped, we woke up and the water had cooled considerably. We got out and went to the almost locker room sized shower. "Hey, Bro!" Said Nate. "Wash my back, Huh?" I soaped up one of the wash clothes and started to wipe it over his back. "Oooo -- that feels great. Push harder, though." I couldn't push harder without putting my arm around his chest and pulling at the same time. I couldn't help noticing his raging wood. I ignored it and scrubbed his back. When I got to the small, he said, "Mmmmm -- that feels great, Joshy! Go on down and get my butt -- I'll do you after." I knew what he was talking about and though I had already decided not to do anything, when he said he'd do me ... it affected me more than I realized. As I scrubbed his butt, he added, "Ohh -- that's a little rough. Use your hand!" It brought me to full mast as I rubbed his soft skinned butt. I couldn't help squeezing and massaging it. I saw pre ooze from his bone, and felt some warming inside my hood as well. He then turned and wrapped his arms around me and kissed me. I didn't even hesitate this time. I was thoroughly horned up and just kissed him back with as much lust as he showed me. Our soapy bodies were slipping against each other in a most delicious way. He looked into me eyes and then kissed me again. Then, breathing hard, he said, "Please, Joshy -- we may never get this chance again." I pulled him in close and hugged him tight. Our stuff was mashed together. I pulled his head into my neck and said, "No, Nate. Let's not do anything more -- please?" "Josh, I promised Seth not to push you, but -- well -- if you change your mind, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas!" I was not overly worried about what Seth thought. But I didn't tell him that I was trying to kind of save myself for Zach. I knew if I did, he'd start asking about our relationship and truly -- I can't really answer him. I'm not bound to Zach -- really -- but I think it would hurt him if I did anything. Again we cuddled all night. In the morning, before we got up, he rolled over on his back and just started to wank. It was not as if we'd never done that many times when we roomed together. But now -- in the morning -- in the semi light -- it really got my already hard boner going. "Aren't you gonna join me? You GOTTA be as horny as I am, bro!" I didn't answer, except to start pumping myself. I worried about what Richard had done, but before I built up enough steam, Nate was moaning loudly, his nectar spraying on to both of us. When he was finished, I started. He didn't do what Richard had done that night, but he just leaned in and kissed me as I was cumming. It was pretty awesome. "It's great to have a brother I can share anything with!" He said, as he crawled over me. I thought he was going to get off the bed, but instead he lowered himself down onto me, our cum drenched bodies warming to each other's touch. "I do love you, Joshy!" "I love you too, Nate." "Can we always reserve at least this for each other?" "I -- um -- dunno." I said. "I think I'd feel somewhat funny if my boyfriend still wanted to -- um -- do this kind of thing with his brother." "I -- um -- guess I see that." He answered, in his usual quick recovery mode. I know it hurt him though. "But," I added, "We can do it while we travel together -- this trip!" He collapsed on me and nuzzled my neck, then popped out of bed and ran to the shower. I let him finish before cleaning myself up. All the time I lay there waiting, I was trying to justify what I had just told him ... and what we had just done. We drove up through the native American places in New Mexico. There were already posters up for a big Indian nation celebration in mid-August. The Ozarks were beautiful. We were warned on a website to steer clear of doing anything remotely gay while in anyone's sites, there. We saw so many places, and I wrote extensively in my journal. (It was my personal journal that Seth asked me to write in each day. I'm not sure he wanted me to write as much as I did. I told about everything!) We of course kept in contact with our dad. I looked forward to getting back home a few days, before going to Pennsylvania for the other wedding reception. I tried not to dwell on it, but I had to admit to myself that Zach wasn't the only reason I kept myself from getting into more with my brother. The real reason was Nate himself. It's so confusing sometimes. Does everyone always want someone ... who wants someone else? My first choice would be Richard. I try not to think about how much I love him. I thought I forgot about him, even though I dreamed about him regularly. But that was the 14-year-old Richard. When the 22-year-old Richard came back into my life ... for me at least ... it was as if he never left. Every feeling I had for him then was the same ... except more so. At 19 years old, my hormones are so much stronger, and Richard ... Oh my GOSH! He is sooo much more -- EVERYTHING -- than he was when we were younger. I would love to have my brother ... for my boyfriend. Nate still makes my insides quiver. I know that he still has a problem with actually being my boyfriend, though. He wants to play, but ... he only wants to play as brothers. I can't emotionally keep it that way with him. I want more. But ... James on the other hand ... We're so different ... I think. I don't mind playing with him ... sometimes. It doesn't hurt with him -- when we stop. Oh ... crap! I wonder if he ... if he feels the same about me -- as I feel about Nate. He's always ready to do anything he can to "be there" for me. Is that fair to him? It is "really" as okay as he says? Our first night back in Milwaukee, things were back to normal ... except that I insisted on paying my way. I asked if it was okay to stay -- in my bedroom -- for awhile. "You stay as long as you like, Joshua!" Said Mom. I looked at my Dad. He looked all choked up and said, "What she said!" I truly felt like I had a real mom! Later that night, as I was lying on my back, almost asleep. thinking about my trip and what to do next, I heard my door quietly open. It was dark in the hall. He came and knelt beside the bed as he usually does. "Hi." I said. "Hi." He said. "You okay?" I hesitated too long before saying, "Yeah." "Move over." He said. James slipped under my covers and lay his arm over my chest, and lay his hand on my face. "James?" "Yeah?" "Please tell me the truth." "What?" "Um -- you know how I love Nate?" "I ... think -- um -- I think so." He said. "Um -- what -- um - " "Is that how you feel about me?" Notes: Why does love have to be so complicated? Is it always that way? It must be harder for people who have been abused as children. Comments are welcome.