Date: Thu, 20 Nov 2008 20:05:44 +0000
From: Steve Thomas <stevethomas535@hotmail.com>
Subject: Growing up Joshua, ch. 22

Growing up Joshua This is a work of pure fiction, but based on the author's
feelings,beliefs, and in some cases, experience.  Come to think of it -- it
mightnot be all that pure! There may be graphic sexual encounters at
timesbetween males, so if this offends you, you are invited to retreat.  If
youare too young or it is otherwise illegal for you to be reading this
kindif story, shame on you for reading it - - please stop here.  If not, -
-ENJOY!

Cast of characters:

Joshua Alan Black II

Barbie Warfield -- my mother

Dennis Warfield -- my stepfather

Alva Benson -- my Gram (Grandma)

Iver Benson -- my Pop (Grandpa)

Richard -- My favorite Cousin

Ray and Raul -- Richards' younger brothers.

Nate Willows -- My first roomie.

Rudy Chanbers -- Friend across the hall.

James Meriwether -- Mid-year Transfer

Morty Rankowiscz -- college friend

Zach Taylor -- new friend

Tom Clancy -- Zack's dad.

Jane Clancy -- Zach'z mom.

Dania, Darcy, Deanna, Danny and David -- Zach's Sibs



>From Chapter 21:

"James?"

"Yeah?"

"Please tell me the truth."

"What?"

"Um -- you know how I love Nate?"

"I ... think -- um -- I think so."  He said.  "Um -- what -- um - "

"Is that how you feel about me?"

Chapter 22

After a long silence, James said, "Well -- my deal is not like yours."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't mean to pry, or eavesdrop, but I've heard you talking to Nate and
your pop about -- your sessions -- with Sean."

"You mean Seth?'

"Yes -- Seth!"  He said.  "Josh, I feel very close to you, but I know where
your heart is."

"Where is that?"

"You love Nate.  And he loves you.  I can tell that from the way both of
you act and touch each other."

"But ... ?"  I said, knowing it was there.

"I'm not sure there is a but.  There was ... maybe -- when you dreamed that
you maybe had a chance with Richard (is that his name -- your cousin?)"

"Yes.  Richard is -- is -- his name.)

"You were going to say something ... else."

"I -- um -- yes!"  I said.  "I have always loved Rich.  He and I were
separated when he was 14; I was 11.  I think it was his gram that noticed
that we were so close.  Whether or not she knew HOW close, I don't know.  I
suppose at that age we weren't very good at keeping it a secret.  His dad
seemed to know at the wedding.  But we're off the question, aren't we?  How
do YOU feel toward me?"

"Don't worry about me, Josh.  I don't matter that much.  Shit!  I was cast
off by my own dad!  I'm used to it."

"You know we don't feel that way about you here, James!  But your changing
the subject again."

"Josh -- we're 19 now.  Of course it hurts me to see the way you look at
Nate."

"Aw, James, I was afraid of that.  And at the same time, I am pining for my
brother."

"Josh -- I see Nate's eyes adoring you as much as you do him."

"Wha ... ?"

"I swear it.  I envy you two being so close."

"But I want more than he will give me."  I said.  "Is that how you feel --
with me?"

"I realize that you are not withholding anything from me.  I really don't
think with Nate it is that he WON'T give you what you want.  I think it's
that he CAN'T".  At my perplexed look he continued.  "He just has this huge
prejudice about brothers.  It's funny -- I mean funny-peculiar -- that he
sees no problem with occasional sex, but long term love is not part of his
possibilities."

"I KNOW!!"  I said.  "I'm sorry that - "

"I told you -- don't worry about it."

"But I do -- and now I will even more."

"Please don't let that stop you from loving me as much as you are able."

"But -- James -- I don't see it as love -- I mean -- I DO love you.  Don't
get me wrong.  But it's not the same ... as what I feel for Rich."

"You mean Nate?"

"No -- I mean -- no!  If I had my choice, it would be Richard all the way."

"Josh, I think I'll find someone - - someday.  But until that time, I need
you -- as much of you as you will give me.  Even though I know that I fit
in somewhere behind Morty, Zack, Nate and Richard ... it feels good and you
really DO love me when we are -- um -- getting it on.  I can feel it.  I
know that it is not a forever love ... I DO.  But while it is happening --
I love it!"

"James, I don't think - "

"PLEASE don't go there.  If you get so you feel like playing with me is
cheating on ... whoever you are hot for at the time -- then tell me to kiss
off."

"Aw, don't say it like that.  I - "

"I love you, Josh -- like everyone else.  Everyone has their hang-ups.
Morty and Nate and Richard all love you so damned much!  I could even see
that as Nate looked at you.  But they have their hang-ups -- that keep them
from dealing with you.  Well, with me it's that same.  I know that I can
only love you from the sidelines ... until someone comes along that takes
my heart."

"I really do feel bad.  I wish - "

"You're the one who asked, Josh. "

"I know."

"So -- will you make love to me tonight -- nice, soft, quiet love?  Before
you see Zach again and make promises to him?"

"I am not sure -- wait a minute!  How do YOU know I haven't made any
promises?"

"He told me.  He called while you were gone and - "

"He called ... you?"

"I think he was trying to call you.  But he clicked on your home phone
instead of your cell phone."

"He never called me!"

"I know.  After talking to me, he decided to let you have your space while
you were in California.  He didn't want to have any reason to feel bad
about what you had done."

I crossed my arms and looked at the ceiling.  "I didn't do anything.  And
don't think I didn't want to!"

"Nothing?!!"

"I jacked off with my brother and my cousin.  And kissed them.  But that
was all -- oh wait!  Rich ate me after I started to cum -- once.  He
surprised me and got me when I was weak.  So I let him finish me off."

"You don't have to tell me all - "

"I wanted you to know.  Especially since you talk to Zach.  I don't want
you to have to be hiding anything from him.  That's not fair to you."

"You see?  THAT's why I love you."

"That's not a reason to love.  That's just being fair -- I'd give that kind
of regard to anyone."

"I have a lot to learn from you, Josh.."

"You know I'm moving to Vermont in a couple weeks -- right?"

"I've been trying to forget it."

"I'm sorry."  I said.

"No -- I don't want you to be sorry.  I want you to be happy that you gave
me something to remember you by -- tonight!"  He said that while he slid
his hand down to my very soft dick.  It immediately started to fill with
blood.."

"James -- no -- I don't think - "

"Please don't ... think!  Just let me love you -- tonight -- and no more."

I turned and in the dim moonlight coming in the window, I saw his pleading
eyes.  "Did you bring a condom?"  I asked.

"Josh!"  he said.

"I just came from California!  How do you know I'm safe?"

"Because I know you!"  Said James, now grasping my rock hardness.  He
jumped up and locked the door, then came back and reached into my drawer
where he knew I kept my lube.  He lubed us both up nice and slippery and
then sat on my boner.

"Omigod!"  he said.  "I forget how good this feels!"  He said as he started
to slowly ride up and down.  He grabbed my hand and placed it on his bone
and so I started to stroke him.

As I got more and more into what he was doing, I pushed my guilt further
and further into the far recesses of my head.  He let out some pretty
gushing breaths, before I gushed my crème inside him and he very quickly
sprayed all over both of us, from my face to his navel.

He then bent over me and I slipped out of him.  He lay on top of me and we
both were quietly gasping for air as he was also kissing me, getting a
taste of his own.  I felt that familiar feeling of total love that
accompanies the afterglow of a mutual orgasm.

"Thanks, Josh.  That was what I was more than I was hoping for.  I love
you!"

"I love you too, James."  I said.

"I know." He said.  And he did.  He knew ... "This too must pass."

I kissed him deeply, and he pulled his jams back on and snuck back to his
room.

I lay for a couple hours, as the glow wore off and the guilt returned.

I hadn't told Zach about my newly acquired independence.  When I called him
in the morning, he asked when I would be getting off work, assuming that I
had to go back immediately.  "Can I pick you up?  I'd like to talk a bit."

Wo! He wants to talk to ME?  "I -- um -- sure!"  I said.  "Pick me up at
home.  I'm -- um -- not working tonight."

"Oh!  Well ... how about today?"

"You don't have a summer job?"  I asked.

"Mom and dad told me to take the summer off!"

"Really?"  I said, incredulously.

"I've been having the best summer I've ever gad -- taking my brothers to
the lake, and driving the wheels off my Mustang.  Mom and Dad just want me
to have a summer like I've never had -- and also they won't have to get
anyone to baby sit the kids."

"Ohhh!  You're the baby-sitter!"

"Well -- yeah.  But it doesn't feel like work."

"and -- um -- the Mustang?"

"Well, okay -- I've been driving the Caravan a lot.  But it's still fun.
My brothers are so funny!"

"And -- if we do something today - ?"

"We can go to the lake and the twins will stay close, while we watch the
girls.  Or we can go to the zoo."

"Lets choose the zoo. I've never been there."

"You've never been to the Milwaukee Zoo?  GREAT!  Pick you up at 11:30?"

"Sure.  See you."

When they arrived -- early as usual for Zach -- I volunteered to drive.
"Um -- well -- the steering on the Caravan is a little loose.  I'm used to
it, so- "

"I meant -- I could drive my car."

"You have a car now?"

"You didn't see it in the driveway?"

"What -- the Nissan?  THAT'S YOUR'S?!!"

"Yeah, I bought it in California."

"Wow!  That's awesome.  You're gonna have to work some extra hours to pay
for that!  Let me take you to lunch."

"No -- I'll take you all to lunch."

"What's going on?"

"I love your family.  I want to take you guys out for lunch."

"I can't let you do that.  We'll go to the Burger Palace and I'll pay."

"Okay."  I said.  I didn't want to spring too much on him at once.

I waited most of the afternoon, while we walked all over the zoo.  He
didn't tell me anything.  What was it he wanted to talk about?  After we
left the zoo, I sort of tricked him.  I told him it was my turn to
treat. I'd take them out to dinner.

When he agreed, and we called his parents, I took them to the Milwaukee
Chophouse.  I'd never been there, but most of the cars were Lexuses and
Caddies.  He objected, but I reminded him he promised.

"So what was it that you wanted to talk to me about?"  I said, kind of
amused.

"I -- um -- kind of wasn't quite honest about -- everything."

"What about?" I asked.

"I -- um -- don't live at home any more -- well, I mean -- I have a new
home."

"So you're NOT babysitting your siblings?"

"Oh -- I AM.  But it's to -- um -- pay my part of the bills.  I moved out."

"COOL!"  I said.  "That's what I'm planning on doing!"

"You?!"

"Yeah -- well as soon as I get back from Vermont."

"Oh -- yeah -- Vermont."

"You're gonna visit me there aren't you?"

"Um -- well -- about that -- um -- aren't you wondering where my new place
is?"

Until he said that -- in THAT way -- it didn't even occur to me.

"Oh!  You -- you've -- moved in with Morty?"  He nodded, like any minute I
might hit him.  "I -- um -- oh.  I see."  I stopped eating and set down my
fork.

"Just that?  You don't want to hit me ... or something?"

I thought about what I'd given up in the last three weeks -- because of the
guilt I felt at his account.  He was right.  I DID want to hit him.  I
turned away and looked at the twins and said, "So, Danny -- David -- do you
like the food here?"  They shrugged in unison.  I had easily gotten used to
eating in nice places.  They may have never been in a place this nice or
eaten anything this good -- well in my opinion.  They probably would have
preferred macaroni and cheese.

"Say something, Josh!  I'm -- I'm -- Sorry!"

"It's really kind of comical."  I said.  "I gave up doing things with my
brother and my cousin -- and even last night -- with James -- because of
guilt I felt about you."  Okay -- I hadn't given up MUCH last night --
except to let myself go completely -- to love James with more abandon.  I
know he felt what little holding back I did. "And for what?  To find out
... um -- how long have you been with him?  Oh -- can't be too long!  I've
only been gone three weeks.  How long?"

"Three weeks."  He said.

I had to forcefully restrain my arm from a quick jab to his sternum.  It
was really just an automatic response -- to an exterior attack.  I wondered
why I felt ... nothing.  I thought about being worried that he may be
feeling badly about me -- doing something -- with my - buds.  I smiled.

"Is everyone ready to go home?"  I asked.

"Thanks, Josh!"  said the twins.

"Thank you, Joshua!"  said the little girls.

"I'm sorry -- Josh.  Thanks for dinner.  I can't imagine how you are paying
for all this."

I decided I'd let him wonder.

As soon as I entered the house, I made eye contact with James.  I knew he
picked up on my mood.  I knew he'd be kneeling by my bed later.

"How was your day with Zach?"  Said Mom, with everyone else there.

"Interesting."  I said.

"That doesn't sound good."

"You know what surprises me the most?"  I said, and without waiting for a
response I went on.  "I really am surprised that it really doesn't bother
me all that much."

I told them what happened.  I actually had to defend Zach.  They were
calling him names.

"Please don't blame him."  I said.  "It's not his fault.  It's no one's
fault."

Later -- as expected, he slipped silently into my room and knelt next to my
bed.  I was lying awake, dry-eyed, tense, staring at an unseen ceiling in
the dark.

"Josh."  He whispered.

"Yeah -- I'm awake."  I think I sounded bored or something.

"Am I bothering you?"

"No."  I lied, but I think I covered it.

"I could tell you were not okay when you came to bed"

"I've been expecting you."

"Aww -- Josh.  Is it okay?"

"Yeah.  You're the only one here that really gets me.  How can I say that's
not okay?"

"Josh -- it's gonna be okay.  You know that ... right?"

"Yeah."  I said, dryly.

He didn't ask this time.  He merely got up, closed the door and climbed in
with me.  Immediately I relaxed into his arms.

"Let it go, Josh.  It's me -- I don't care if you -- er -- what you do."

I knew exactly what he meant.  I let out a silent but deep sob. He held me
closer and tighter.  My shoulders started to shake before the rest of my
body caught up.  I didn't realize how much I was hurt until there came a
knock at the door.  "Joshua -- are you gonna be okay?"  It was my pop.

James flew to the door, unlocked it and opened it.  "It's okay, General.
He just needs to vent a little."

It wasn't until he turned to the side that, even in my emotional state, I
noticed that his jams were tenting straight out.  Pop must have seen that.
The hall light went out as James closed then relocked the door.

It felt good to just cry.  I didn't have to explain.  I wondered how many
times James had cried alone.  Well, I wasn't crying alone.  After Pop left,
James kept up with me.



"But Seth -- he's hurting too!"  I said.

"His hurt will go away naturally.  You being away for a year -- will help,
actually.  He'll have to find solace elsewhere."

"Solace he never got from me!"  I said.

"That's not so.  But he got just enough to give him hope ... or if not
that, something to wish for.  Now he'll have to go out and get it.  You
said he wasn't shy before."

"He wasn't!  He was bold -- well, when it came to being outgoing.  Now that
he knows he's gay -- he's not so outgoing."

"He was probably bold to hide his true feelings ... even from himself.
He'll learn to deal.  It hurts deeply that his dad has rejected him, but
that too can be overcome.  So ... not to change the subject but -- are you
coming soon?"

"Is next week soon enough?"

"Heh!  Luke's giving me a hard time.  I have to admit, I'm more than a
little excited by this."

"I don't think he quite knew the thrill that went through me when he said
that!

"It's like -- I was always the little brother.  Even here, I am still the
little brother ... to just about everyone!"

"And ... now -- you get to have a little brother!"  I laughed.

"Something like that!  Luke is also anxious to meet you.  Do you surf?"

"I came from northern California -- inland.  No surf there.  And definitely
no surf riding on Lake Michigan!"

"Aww -- you have to have done a boogey-board or two!"

"Well -- yeah."

"You probably will have no problem keeping up with me.  Luke is the serious
surfer."



Before I left, I took the whole family out to dinner, then the night before
I was to leave I took James out just with me.  I reserved a suite at a
hotel next to the airport ... even though I was driving out.  I knew that
we would want a special good bye ...

For dinner we went to the same place I took Zach, and James loved it!  But
I could see him tensing up more as the night wore on.  By the time we got
to our hotel room, he was obviously depressed.  And I was getting more and
more paranoid about sending him the wrong message.

"What's wrong James?"

"I'm gonna miss you!"

"And I'm sure I'm going to miss you!"  I said.

(Why do we say, "And I'm sure", when we mean the exact opposite?)

"Yeah -- you'll be able to sleep at night ... now!"

"James -- we've been through a lot this past year.  I'm sorry that I've
been so self absorbed.  I - "

"NOooo, You - "

"James -- how many times have I come to your room, just because I knew you
were hurting?"  I asked, rhetorically.  "Maybe once.  You have always been
there when I needed someone to hold me.  Of COURSE I'm going to miss that!"

"I got as much from it as you did -- or more!"

"What do you want tonight, Bro?"  I asked.

"As much as you will give me."  He said.  "It may be the last time that we
-- that we -- do anything like this.  I want something to dream about."

"Do you really think it will be healthy for you to dream about me?"

"I don't have anyone else to dream about!"  He said.

"You will!"  I said.  "You're a good looking guy, buff and macho, you'll -
"

"Ya' know, I've actually thought about that.  And I know it's true.  But
for now -- for tonight -- I have you -- don't I?  I want as much of you as
you can give to me."  I opened my mouth but he continued, "And also -- I'm
considering this -- our last time.  So I want to make it memorable!"

We made it memorable.  We did everything that either of us had ever done --
with each other or with others.  We kissed ... a LOT!

We came home with smiles on our faces -- tired smiles.  We slept very
little and on the advice from the General, I called ahead to a Chicago
motel for a reservation.  I didn't want to go into the city, so I chose a
Motel 6 on the other side of the city.  It's only a short 2-hour drive and
that's all I had energy to do!

I didn't plan to even change clothes in Chicago ... only sleep a few hours
and get back on the road.  So I only planned to take what was on my back
into the room ... plus a tooth brush.  As I was checking in, a youngish guy
was at the desk.

"Look, I can afford it!"  He said to the desk clerk.  "My dad is - "

"It really doesn't matter who your dad is, young man."  She told him.
"Your credit card was denied.  You've been very sweet during your stay, but
I don't have the authority let you stay on the promise that your father
will pay - - later.  The $106 dollars must be paid up front if you do not
have another card.  Can't you call your father?"

"He's -- traveling -- in Europe."  He said, woefully.

"I'm truly sorry, Sir."  She then looked beyond him -- to me.  "May I help
you, sir?"  The other guy slumped down in a nearly chair.

"I -- um -- have a reservation for tonight."

"When will you be checking out?"

"Early tomorrow morning -- maybe as early as 3:00 AM.  Can you set a wake
up call for me at 2:30?"

"Of course."  She said, making out a reservation card.  "License number of
your car?"

"I'll have to go out and look.  It's new."  I went to the out and read the
number on my license.  When I got back, the guy was up and looking
animated.

"You look tired, dude.  Are you interested in a massage to help you sleep
better?"

I looked at the clerk.  "He's been here for the last 2 nights."  She said.

"I was here at a massage convention.  I'll give you a deluxe massage for a
good price!"

I looked to the clerk again.  "He's massaged several here already, sir.  I
can vouch for that.  And ... the clients seemed pleased as they checked
out."

"What price is the massage?"  I asked the guy.

"One hundred and six dollars!"  He said.

"You might want to at least charge enough to buy yourself some dinner,
boy."  Suggested the clerk.  Then she said, "Oh!  Mr. Turner -- who just
walked out - seems to have rented our last room.  O dear!"  She seemed
genuinely distressed.

"What kind of room did you rent me?"  I asked.

"It's a no smoking room."


"How many beds?"  I said, sizing the young man up.  I decided I could
easily take him ... if it came to that.

"Two -- queen sized!"  She said, with a smile, understanding why I asked.
I looked at the kid.  He didn't have a clue what we were talking about.

"How old are you, dude?"  I asked.

"Twenty-two."

I assumed he was lying.  "You're awfully young, but -- if you think you can
trust me -- you are welcome to stay in my room."

"I promise I won't be any trouble."  He gushed.  "My father is gonna bust
me when he finds out I stayed with a stranger, but -- I don't want to spend
my last night in a rental car!"

"He'll stay with me." I said.  The smile on the clerk's face told me a lot.
She liked the boy, so he must have shown her some respect.

"You're gonna get a massage that you will remember the rest of your life,
Sir!"

"I don't think I want the massage ... and if you call me sir one more time,
I might not let you stay at all.  My name is Joshua."

The boy extended his hand.  "I'm Ryan.  Ryan Crayson Jr."

"Well, Ryan Crayson Jr. ... it looks like you will be bunking with me
tonight!"  I grinned.

He schlepped his bags to my room.  He brought in a large satchel which I
figured out was a massage table.

"You're getting a massage, Mr. -- er -- Joshua.  No refusals allowed.  I
promise I'm not gay!"

"Heh.  Well ... I am!"  I said.

"Haha!  That's a good one!"  he said then he saw my face.  "Oh -- you're
not kidding!  Oh!  Well ... I have nothing against gays.  Heh!  My dad's
one, too.  Actually -- heh -- they both are!"

"Don't you have a mother?"

"I did, but I barely remember her.  It makes me feel bad, because my sister
doesn't remember her at all.  And Dad doesn't talk about her, so I am the
one who has to keep Mom alive in her mind."

"Well, I guess if you're going to insist on massaging me, we better get
some dinner and then get to it.  You heard me say that I will be leaving at
3:-00."

He shivered.  "Yeah -- I was trying to forget!"

"I'll leave quietly!"

He looked at the floor.  "But -- you go on out.  I'm not hungry.  I'll be
waiting to feel you up when you get back!"  He laughed.

"Look -- Ryan -- I'm not going to let an under aged boy mess up my life.
You - "

He whipped out his drivers license AND his CMT certificate.  Both confirmed
him to be 22 years old!

"Well, I'll be damned!"

"Well -- I'm not THAT much younger than you then, am I?"

I decided -- for the time being -- to let him think that.  "I am surprised
you are that old.  You look like a teenager!"  I said.

"Everyone says that."  He said, chagrinned.  "And please -- I'll feel badly
of I can't repay you.  Please let me give you that massage.  You KNOW you
want it.  And -- since you're gay ... I know you want it too!"

"Okay -- but first you're going out to dinner with me!  Since I am gay, I'm
just vain enough not to want to eat alone!"

"I'm also a third degree black belt in Taekwondo.  So I could protect you
from possible attackers."  He said.  I also kept my own Taekwondo status
from him -- for now.

"Where is a nice restaurant, Ryan?"

"There's a Denny's on the corner."  He said.

"And you consider Denny's a nice restaurant?"  I realized as soon as I said
it what a snob I must seem to be.

Ryan laughed.  "I just don't like to assume anything.  There's a nice one
downtown."

"I want to avoid downtown."

"Then do you know Chop House Restaurants?"

"NOW you're talkin'!"

"Haha!  There is one about 10 minutes away on route 94, just before Gary."

"That's fair enough!"  I laughed.  "But I only got about an hour sleep last
might.  After a Chop House dinner, I may be too sleepy to even drive ten
minutes."

It was only 4:30, and he insisted on driving his rental car.  "My gas card
is not maxed out!"

"Where are you traveling to -- in the morning."

"Well, unless I can get hold of my dads -- I will be driving straight
through to Vermont!"

"Vermont??!!  That's where I'm heading!"

Really?  Where in Vermont?"  He asked.

"Well -- I've never been there, but I guess it's near Williamsburg."

"Nuh-uh!  That's where I live!  Oh acreage outside town!"

"You -- you don't happen to know a Seth Gary, do you?"

Notes: I just love little coincidences!  Should they join forces and travel
together?  Can a straight guy be that close to a gay guy.  Is Ryan really
all that ... straight?  He IS a massage therapist!  Comments are welcome to
-- Steve at stevethomas535@hotmail.com.  Thanks and love, Steve