Guide to a New Life
By Cyrus B. Alvarez
Chapter 5 - How to Lie by Telling the Truth
FIRST, appear as if you are the most open and honest man on the planet.
You have to establish a reputation of honesty, sincerity, openness and frankness. Once you've established this image, everything ought to be easy.
However, you have to keep the air of mystery surrounding your personality. This will keep everyone interested in you.
When your new girl best friend, Roxanne, asks you how many lovers have you had, say, "Two serious and a few flings."
If she gasps with disbelief, tell her that you never had to court any of them and you don't know how to formally court anyone anyhow.
If she asks how you `get' those girlfriends, say, "It just happens. You know, instant attraction."
If she inquires further how you know if you were already a couple with a girl, say, "I just know."
Then add, "By the way, not all of them are girls." Smile naughtily.
The creases on her forehead indicate that she doesn't really get what you mean. Don't elaborate. Let her think what she wants to make of it. People always tend to believe what they want to believe, anyway, no matter how hard you try to explain the truth.
If, after a while of deep thinking and concluding to herself that she really doesn't get what you mean, she asks you if you have anyone right know, answer truthfully, "No."
Say, "Yep!" Then, smile sweetly and paint the picture of your `prospect' in your mind. Blush.
When talking about your erstwhile crush, proceed with caution.
Never refer to your prospect using English pronouns. Use Filipino.
Say, "Cute siya... fair complexion... a really great, sweet smile... and talagang sweet siya."
At this point don't tell Roxanne the name. It will dispel her illusions.
Do tell her, however, that you've had your eye on this one for a long time, but you don't know how to go about it. Say, "Iba kasi siya... I don't think my `techniques' could apply sa kanya."
Roxanne says, "Well, just do everything to get close to her. That usually works."
Follow her advice.
Organize an overnight outing in a nearby resort. Invite your prospect... and a bunch of your other friendly friends for cover. Say that it is a celebration of the end of a very fruitful school year. Don't take no for an answer.
At the outing, sit between Roxanne and Chuckie. Be extra-attentive to your prospect, but don't overdo it.
Play truth or dare. Always choose truth.
Answer your friends' questions truthfully. Boast that there isn't any question they can throw at you that you can't answer frankly.
But when your friend, Harvey, asks who this long-time prospect is, blush. Say, "You got me... I think you've found the question that I really can't answer." Blush some more.
If Harvey insists that you answer the question, say, "I can't... it's too close to home." Turn into 9 different shades of red.
When the drinking session begins, offer some liquor to your prospect. If you are turned down, persist a little. But, again, don't overdo it. You don't want your prospect to get angry with you.
Try to talk to your prospect. If unsuccessful, sulk in a corner. Wish that your friend brought stronger liquor.
Watch as your prospect talks to your friends. Pity yourself. Wish that you didn't bring your friends along in the first place.
Listen to their conversation. Butt-in. Sulk again when your prospect ignores your comments. Shut up.
Watch as your prospect lies down on a bench and goes to sleep. Sleep on the opposite bench and blame yourself for not being able to talk with your prospect.
Feel the chill of the cold mountain breeze. Wish that you have your prospect's warm body in your arms. Try to sleep even though thoughts of you and your prospect sleeping on the same bench, holding each other and warming up each other's body, are continuously running through your head.
In the morning, try to make up for the night before by being extra-sweet to your prospect. Watch with loving stare as your prospect eats breakfast. Invite your prospect for a swim. If turned down again, just smile and suppress that profanity that's about to come out of your mouth.
Wonder why your prospect agreed to go in the first place.
Wonder some more why Roxanne is acting stranger than usual.
Suppress your smile as she blushes and asks you, "Last night, when you said that your prospect was `too close to home', uh... were you referring to... uhm... me?"
Laugh out loud. Say, "Nope!" after you are able to suppress your giggle once again.
Enjoy the moment when she turns purple with embarrassment. Then, finally confess who your prospect really is.
Say, "It's Chuckie." Smile.
Don't elaborate. Let her think what she wants to make of it.
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