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"You are a very...attractive person," I replied.
"Answer my question?"
"Why?" I asked and smiled silently, "How many people have feed your ego? You wicked witch. I won't be your looking glass. All you need is a willing accomplice to fuck you up inside, make you brave with all the silly shit someone says. That way you won't feel so little. You'll always be the fairest as long as some silly motherfucker..."
"You aren't a silly motherfucker to me," he told me, "Not by any means and if you weren't such an idiot you would see that."
"Only you can see it. Maybe I should be YOUR looking glass."
I walked away.
I didn't know where the conversation was headed and it just seemed like all the tricky language, all the bullshit tricky language was a little too familiar. I had no time for it. I had no time to even fake interest.
it was a new time.
Weeks had gone by. No one was really talking to me, well at least the people that were important to me weren't talking to me. I felt alone. It was such an odd feeling.
I'd just go to class and come home. I don't think Angelina and Khan were holding any bad feelings towards me. I guess it may have been me being the awkward one. They were always with Porter, who was just getting more and more weird. Than of course Angelina was with Dani and Dani was with Quan. Of course Quan was with Sampson. That was the group.
When I was with Angelina or Khan, I could join the conversation and still feel left out. It felt like I was talking to them, but not talking with them. It was such a weird feeling. I knew they may have felt like it was because I was a bitter person or something. Maybe it was that they felt like drained the happiness from the room. If they did, they'd probably be right. It would be about time too.
It was a group I'd rather not have been in.
Then I went up to my locker one day and got the notice. The notice was clearly scribbled out on my mailbox. I had dreaded it.
I had no where to go. Honestly. I had no where to go. My parents were dead. The only living relative I had was a fucking lunatic of a grandfather and he lived all the way in the fucking voodoo swamps of New Orleans.
Something came over me at that moment. I don't know exactly what it was but then I started to understand it.
I hadn't suspected it. I stopped and turned around to see Dani there. She had scared the fuck out of me and I acknowledged that by jumping back.
"Whoa, calm down. It's ok."
"You scared me."
"I realized that.
But listen, Syn...I
was wondering if you had plans for your winter break."
"Well my parents had a cabin up there. I suggested to Angelina that we invited you and she thought it was a good idea. Khan is coming up as well."
"The whole break."
She laughed. I was being so serious. Dani and I weren't exactly the best of friends. The bitch was smiling like I really liked her. I considered myself to have more respect for certain species of bugs.
"You are Angelina's friend.
My sister really cares about you," Dani stated, "And after the shooting, I think it's a good
idea if we all get away you know...so maybe we can start really building a
friendship all together."
"I don't fucking believe you."
She shrugged, "Syn, come on. I'm trying to be nice and you cursing at me."
I looked around wondering where the fuck the cameras were, "Whose all going?"
"You, me, Angelina, Khan and Porter."
"I guess I can wade my options and let you know," I stated and walked away.
What fucking options. There were no damn options. This was DANI though. I had been trying to avoid her for the longest time. Even though her and Quan were `technically' broken up, they still hung around each other all the time. She was an annoying ass bitch and I knew it.
I had no choice though...it was either this or rent a hotel off campus. That just wouldn't work out...at all...
I packed as best as I could. Angelina said Porter was going to drive us up since he was the only one with a car. Dani of course would already be there so it would just be Porter, Angelina, Khan and I. I still wasn't sure what was going on between Khan and Angelina. By the untrained eye, it seemed like they were just regular friends, but the disappearences...the whispers...all that shit said otherwise.
And I didn't like it at all.
"Damn Angelina are these all your bags."
Khan asked as we opened Porter's trunk to get some of my stuff in. The stuff was already basically packed and luckily I had packed kind of light.
"Not...it's mostly Porter's."
Khan cracked up laughing, "Damn Porter. Materialistic a little?"
I couldn't help but smile too. T his guy definitely was a metrosexual if I'd ever seen any. He had all his shit neatly packed up in the car. It had to be the neatest pile of shit I'd ever seen. I didn't even want to move all the piles of crap in his trunk so I just threw my bag on top.
I went back to him. It had been the first time I really looked him in the eye for a really long time. He still looked the same. His brown eyes still set beautifully on me. His auburn dredlocks now had a very light brown tip to them. They were braided back in tight braids. He had a shape up that seemed to be painted precisely on.
He made my dick stand up...he was so damn sexy...I had to admit.
"Hey, Syn," he stated.
"Humph. I'll sit in the back."
"Actually, I was going to sit in the back," Khan asked, "Me and Angelina made some sandwiches. We figured we would share them on the trip."
"You feeding each other now?"
Khan ignored my question as him and Angelina got into the back of the car. I rolled my eyes. I couldn't believe this shit. I was sitting in the front seat with this walking statue. At least Sampson was real looking. Porter just seemed kind of painted on. A little too perfect.
The ride started the same. Most of the trip was the three of them talking about the nonsensical bullshit they talked about. Khan of course thought he knew every fucking thing. He thought he was fucking Jeeves or something. He was such a nerd! Then there was Angelina who was just so damn nice it slightly was starting to make me sick. At least she wasn't all over Porter. That was probably because Porter was dazed out driving making little slick comments as he held onto the wheel.
Before long, I knew the awkward time would come. Khan and Angelina fell asleep in the car. It was getting kind of dark. We'd been driving for about 2 and a half hours. We had two more hours to go.
It would have been easy to pretend to go to sleep...but that would be easy.
What's the fun in that?
The only sounds were coming from him humming this annoying ass song that there were playing on the radio by Sean Kingsley.
"I hate this song, can we change it?" I asked, breaking the awkward silence.
"Right after this song."
"There would be no point in
changing it AFTER this song, because it's THIS song I have a problem with."
"Syn, I really like this song. You see me hummin man...damn."
"Why you like it...it's tacky."
"The same reason you liked Sampson. He's tacky."
I laughed. It was unexpected. It seemed like Porter was good with the unexpected stuff. I found it kind of funny to be honest how he was like this. It was amusing. He raised an eyebrow with his smart little comment as well.
So he was provoking me?
"What's tacky is the fact that you always have to be perfectly shaped up. You like a damn drag queen."
"But you're the gay one Syn."
"That we know of so far..."
He laughed. It wasn't like he found me amusing. It was like he found my comment unsettling. He felt disrespected.
"Whatever. This is my car, we are playing what I want."
Who the fuck...did...he...think...he...was...talking...to...
"So whose going stop me from doing this."
I turned it off.
"Stop. Syn," he said turning it back on.
I turned it back off. He pushed my hand away from it aggressively and then turned it back on again. Oh this motherfucker wanted to play.
I reached over his seat and grabbed his pocket knife out of his armrest holder. In a few seconds I was jamming the pocket knife all the way into the radio. I stuck it all the through the cd slider until I pulled at some chords and the entire radio went off. It wasn't my first time fucking up someone car radio.
What the fuck!"
"I told you the song was annoying me."
"You just broke my FUCKING radio."
"Relax princess. You just have to replace a few chords. I'll pick `em up from PepBoys on the way back."
"YOU JUST FUCKING BROKE MY RADIO
because you were mad at me playing a song," he stated.
"I told you it annoyed me."
"So you BREAK it!"
He was shocked. I was surprised Angelina and Khan was sleeping through this. Porter was having a bitch fit. I looked back at Khan, hoping he would wake up.
"I really...didn't like that song."
"You're a mad man...you know what. I'm pulling over. Get out."
He really was getting over into the slow lane and trying to pull off the road. A smile spread of disbelief spread across my face. He was really giving me a run for my money huh.
"If you pull this car over...god help you, if you pull this car over. Khan you better wake up and calm me the fuck down."
Khan huffed waking up a little but not really enough to understand the situation.
He huffed and puffed, not making eye contact, "I'm not fucking scared of you, lil boy. I'll beat dat ass."
"I can do worse."
I turned to him. My eyes were inflamed in my threat. It was obviously written all over my face. I had mastered the art of... "doing worse".
"You fucking crazy son."
"And you know this. That's why you didn't pull over yet."
He continued driving. Shit if it was awkward then. It definitely was awkward now. I could see him shaking his head and just getting real fired up. There were several instances along the rest of the ride where I felt like he would just turn over and swing his huge fist in my face. I would have not been surprised at all.
It was hours of the same sort of thing. We argued over little things.
When we arrived to the Poconos where Angelina and Dani's parents had the little snow lodge, Khan and Angelina were back up. They looked around confused. I knew they saw the smile spread across my face. I knew they saw the angry grimace on Porter's face.
"I just want to say one thing
before we get out this car," Porter stated, "I do not like Syn. Just to make
this known right now. Any activities you
guys are doing this week involving Syn...WILL NOT be
involving me. I WILL fucking hurt this immature kid if
you bring him the FUCK near me this week!
Now that's all I had to motherfucking say!"
Porter's aggressiveness, I had to admit turned me on. I watched as he got out of the car slamming the door so hard that I thought it was going to break.
Boy ... he was STEAMING.
"Um...did I miss something?" Angelina asked.
"Syn what did you do?" Khan stated.
"Seriously. We just had a musical difference. No biggie."
I walked out of the car. It would take more energy to really give a fuck. I got up and walked over to help unload the stuff. Of course Porter no where to be seen. I guess he had to cool down before he got his stuff. Not me. I was fine.
"I hope you guys like it," Angelina said as she guided us up some wooden planks, "My parents used to bring us up all the time when we were smaller. It's the first year they are letting us use it."
"I'm sure we'll be cool," Khan stated, "As long as Syn is cool."
"Why wouldn't I be?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean why would I have a reason not to be cool."
"I figured you were actually coming up just to start shit?"
"You mean with Porter?" I stated, "He'll get over it. I told you we just had a musical difference, that was all."
Angelina and Khan looked at each other.
"Oh god what?"
Angelina stopped looking at us, she pointed back towards the car that was upcoming, "I thought Dani would have TOLD you. I knew it was too good to think you'd just be cool with this."
"Cool with what?'
I turned to the car and realized who was in the car.
You had to be kidding me.
Dani was driving, but who she was driving was more interesting. It had to be the three people that I definitely didn't want to see the most. He came out the car, his boot hitting the white snow. It was Sampson.
Then right after him was his FUCKING new boyfriend Jamel.
As if that wasn't even worse, there came Quan behind them.
"You didn't know?" Angelina asked me, "I'm going to kill Dani. She told me she told yoU!"
Angelina when running right up to the car like a bat out of hell when Dani came out of there. That was exactly how I was feeling right now. I felt like a bat. Not the ones you see on the discovery channel that mind their business. No I felt like a blood sucking vampire, ready to rip all the life out of this entire trip.
Khan looked at me, "So you can do one two things. Option one. You can ignore them and just let bygones be bygones. Option 2 is..."
I held my hand up immediately.
"I choose option 2."
I walked away far enough from the stoop that I wouldn't have to bump into them as they brought their bags in. I watched them bring their bags in. Sampson didn't speak to me. His boyfriend gave me a broken smile as he walked in the house. Then there was Quan who completely stopped all together.
Quan looked at me and I looked at him. He was so damn cocky. I had never seen someone so cocky in my life. He smiled almost like we were friends. How could his aunt have been Athena. Athena would never have been so fake to her enemy.
Maybe that was the problem. Maybe Quan really somewhere in that twisted little mind of his thought that he wasn't my enemy.
"Sampson, come on now, you two should start being more social," Quan stated.
Sampson turned around as though annoyed, "Hi Syn."
I crossed my arms, "I don't speak to crumbs."
Sampson turned to Quan shaking his head as though it was something they both had been discussing beforehand, "Told you."
He had said it with such a blunt unbothered motion. I had been waiting so long for a chance to burn Sampson and he was acting as though he didn't care. He was acting as though he had expected it. Quan laughed as Sampson said it. I guess the two had their own little language or something that they only understood.
What would have been the use of telling Sampson that Quan was the evil villain of the story?
They walked inside...together. I looked over at Dani. She had disappeared from sight . Angelina came back to the car.
"She's avoiding us. She knows what she did. Come on, let's just go inside. We'll make the best of the week."
"A week here...a week with Sampson and his boyfriend...AND QUAN!"
"Come on," Khan stated, "We'll make the best of it."
"Impossible. You guys don't know me. You don't know what I am capable of. I will destroy...EVERYTHING. And Angelina I like you, so I will just avoid burning down your parent's vacation home. I'll ask Porter to take me home."
"Did you just see how Porter looked at you earlier?" Khan asked, "Good luck with that...seriously."
"I'll take the train if he says no."
I looked at Angelina. I could tell she was a little bit hurt. A part of me wanted her nice little friend weekend to work out. I had been drifting away from her. I had been drifting away from Khan as well. The thing was that I wasn't like them...I wasn't like any of them.
The only person I was like was Quan and that was why I needed to get OUT of this house immediately.
"Well go talk to him," Khan stated, "He's right over there still cooling off from when YOU pissed him off. I'm going inside."
Angelina grabbed Khan by his arm. At first I would think the little reach was kind of in a needing way, but I could have been mistaken.
"Khan, wait I'll come with you. Syn. I really hope
you change your mind and decide to stay."
She gave me another one of her puppy dog looks. Hell if my heart wasn't something like Cruella Deville, I probably would have fallen for it. The truth was I really didn't even think puppies were all that cute. They were wrinkly, annoying and pissed everywhere. Who wouldn't prefer a nice warm fur? Sorry PETA. Syn is not a supporter. Spill blood on my mink and I'm digging in that ass...
I walked over to Porter slowly.
I could tell he was annoyed with my presence. He took a deep breath. He didn't turn towards me. All the others were back in the house by now except for us. Porter was just standing by his car taking deep breaths and looking around. He refused to make any sorts of eye contact when I approached him.
"So...Angelina and Khan still acting weird. They need to just drop the bullshit."
He remained silent.
I looked over at him, noticing his hands stuffed in his pockets and I shook my head, "You didn't bring gloves. Porter you're seriously going nuts."
"Is there a reason you are bothering me?"
"You're right. I'm not a bullshitter. I'm definitely not a bullshitter. I need you to take me back."
"I need you to take me back home."
That was when he said something that I didn't even expect him to say in a million years. He turned to me, making eye contact for the first time and then he said in a low voice, "Get in."
I didn't answer at first. I just did as he told me.
In the car I kept wondering what was going on. Why had Porter just let me go so quickly.
As we started to drive it started to snow. It was snowing so hard that it was hard to see the road. We were driving slow because we ended up hydroplaning a little bit. We skid enough to know that we needed to slow down drastically. The snow was definitely falling harder and faster. The roads were slippery. We had mostly been driving in silence but I realized more and more that he was getting anxious. Him getting anxious was making me anxious. We were only less than 20 minutes into the drive. It was coming down from the sky like huge clumps or something. I figured this had to be the reason why Porter was in such a rush to make his decision.
"Are we going to make it?" I asked him.
"Yeah. The storm is setting in, but we should make it before then."
"Are you going to come back up here."
"So what will you do with the rest of the week?"
"Probably go visit some family. That was the original plan. I only came up because...shit...nevermind."
"Nevermind. What are you doing when we get home."
"I have no where to go."
"You can come with me..."
Just at that moment I looked up at Porter. He didn't seem angry anymore. I was confused. No one had ever forgiven me so quickly.
I didn't answer his invitation, but instead looked over at him, "Porter, why come you agreed to bring me back? You know...I was a dickhead to you. Why'd you want to bring me back?"
He looked over at me, "Believe it or not, we have a lot in common. I don't talk about my past much. I used to be a juvenile delinquent. I didn't follow directions you know. I had so much anger and it showed in everything. It showed everywhere I go. I couldn't express it enough. Sometimes when you act differently from other people, it seems like a language that I can understand. It seems so familiar to me that sometimes I think you are just a reflection of the person that I used to be."
"Why were you a delinquent?"
"Wow. No one's ever asked me that," he stated and laughed, "I guess no reason. Well...I guess there was a reason, but I never really told anyone. Damn...I can't believe I'm doing this now."
"Well you already started."
"My father died when I was young," Porter explained, "My mother didn't work, but she was beautiful. With me and my sister alive she had to do something to support us. First she started to strip. Stripping soon lead to prostitution. She was beautiful enough that it wasn't hard for her to get out of the game though. One of her tricks took us away. He married her. He was the man I knew as daddy. And I've never told anyone and I promise you nothing really happened beyond this...but sometimes Daddy used to look at me...different."
"Yes in a way, but sometimes even deeper than that. I could best just describe it as differently. My mind tried to excuse it so many times. He never acted differently besides the stare. Daddy would just stare and stare. And I became so angry. Is that stupid?"
He laughed, surprised, "It's not?"
"No. You didn't understand. You didn't understand how to demand your respect yet. There was a time I didn't understand either. Quan's aunt Athena showed me back then. That anger that you had...wasn't anger. It was passion. That was your respect. It was meant to be embraced, but you probably stifled it so long that it disappeared. You allowed your standards to be modified for another. Just like my mother. You lived in discomfort. You adapted to discomfort."
"I never thought of it that way. I always thought I was the one in the wrong."
"No he was. You knew what that stare was. You KNOW what that stare is. You changed an instinct that was true. You allowed yourself to forget it. Could you imagine the sick thoughts behind that stare. You know they are true. Maybe next time he'll stare at another little boy. Maybe next time, he'll think that little boy won't say anything either. Maybe next time it'll be more than a stare."
I could tell I was making Porter by how he moved around in his seat and quickly said something to completely stop me, "So what should I have done."
"You MAKE him never want to stare at you that way again," I continued.
He didn't say anything. He just turned away. Whether he had listened to me was another story. Maybe he didn't listen. Maybe he just ignored what I said as jibberish. Some souls were so weakened by the value of worldly norms that they weakened themselves in the process. Porter had lost himself before he had even known it. He was just like the rest of these walking corpses, abiding to the laws of man.
If you feel comfortable, you best not say anything, because it wouldn't look "posh" to do so. You are supposed to take it, close your mouth and be happy.
Signs were coming up everywhere. ACCIDENT. ROAD CLOSED AHEAD.
"I'm sorry Syn. I tried."
"No. Please don't tell me what I think you are saying."
"We have to turn back."
"But the rate that it's snowing, we will be stuck out there."
"I know Syn. I'm sorry. You'll just have to deal with them."