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Chapter 6

These Social Drugs

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"You lost your mind Sampson?" I ask walking into the room.

He is on his bed and just as I walk into the room I see how stupid I look almost immediately. They both have papers in their hands. They are both looking down on the papers.

Quan isn't the only one there. Actually Dani is there too. She is sitting on the side filing her nails as I run in.

"Syn what's wrong are you ok?" Sampson said, jumping up.

His head is wrapped. I could see by how he makes a sharp noise that it hurt him to jump up a little bit.

"I thought..."

"He thought we were talking to each other one on one," Quan stated and laughed, "Hey Dani, I'm cheating on you with Sampson."

Dani started to laugh, "Sampson, your boyfriend ok in the head?"

These motherfuckers thought I was funny! I looked over at T-Boy. He wasn't even helping me out. He just looked away. I didn't get it.

"Syn you didn't think..." Sampson started.

"No...um..."

"Cause we were running lines for Dani's theater class. She is a theater major. And she needed help running lines. You can't really think that I'd do that to you, do you?"

I shook my head, "Of course not."

Quan shook his head, "I guess. You guys are weird. Is this a real relationship Sampson, I don't even think you're gay."

"Faggot, you want to see me fuck him right now? I'll show you how gay he is...dickhead."

"Syn, come on...he was just playing, calm down," Sampson defended him almost immediately.

I just let it go.

Quan got up and gathered his papers, "C`mon Dani, Syn's trying to act tough again. Sampson I'll catch you later."

"Yeah bro, see you later," Sampson stated.

Quan was almost shoulder to shoulder with me when he turned around and looked back, "Oh, Sampson, by the way have you met Syn's friend Porter?"

My mouth closed quickly.

He was really about to bring Porter up in front of Sampson. I could see Sampson's face get a little suspicious.

With that Quan left the room with Dani acting like the little schoolgirl whore she was chasing behind yet another man with the highest heels possible.

I looked over at Sampson sitting there.

"What does he mean? Whose Porter?"

I shook my head, "No one."

"Syn, you're lying. Whose Porter, just tell me, I mean..."

"Some boy I know ok?" I stated and sat at the end of the bed, "Sampson, who did this to you? That is what I'm worried about right now."

I prayed he would get off the subject. He sat for a second and I wondered if he would pursue the situation about who Porter was, but instead he just put his hand on his head and seemed to be trying to remember.

"I can't remember much about that day."

I added immediately, "You got a phone call..."

"That's what Quan stated, but I really blanked out and forgot all that stuff. It's like a blurry dream that you don't remember. All I remember was waking up...in water."

"You're lucky to be alive," T-Boy added.

T-boy was still in the room. I had forgotten he was even there. He was standing quietly in the back stalking the situation.

Almost as though knowing what this meant, I could see Sampson grab me putting his hand on mine.

"Thank you for bringing him to me," Sampson stated.

"I mean you said you wanted to see him so it was the least that I could do for you bro."

 

It was silent for a moment. I felt bad just because Sampson was really kind of making him feel bad a little.

I watched T-Boy's eyes gliding over to how Sampson was holding my hand all of a sudden. Then they stared at the floor.

"Listen if you got beef Sampson, you need to let me know. You my brother, I'll handle it for you bro...seriously..."

"I don't know who would do this to me...seriously. Syn was the only one mad at me."

"Yeah, I knocked you on the head and put you in the water," I said sarcastically.

He grabbed me pulling me onto the bed completely, flinging my legs into the air. I could see him wrestle me down.

"I figured it was you," he replied.

He started to wrestle me down trying to squeeze the hell out of me. I struggled but it was to no avail. Sampson squeeze me and I laughed out until I caught a hard time breathing.

"If that's it then, I'll leave you two alone."

"No, can you take Syn back, I don't want him walking around alone...I don't have a good feeling about yesterday."

I looked at Sampson, "Baby what do you mean?"

"I just think if they hurt me, they'd hurt you. And it's ok if they do whatever to me, but I'll die anyone did anything to you..."

"Aww baby..."

"Listen I'll wait in the car," T-Boy interrupted, "Syn you can come when you...finish up here..."

He gave Sampson a nod and didn't look at me at all before he walked away completely. It was obvious something was bothering him and he wasn't going out of his way to hide it.

Sampson looked at me and turned me around, "You know he still loves you right?"

What was the point of him saying that?

He was sitting there seemingly waiting for me to respond.

"Well you know Quan likes you..." I suggested.

Sampson sighed, "Syn, you can't be serious."

"Think about it Sampson. He's straight. He met us holding hands and kissing. Ever since then he's gone out of his way to be your friend."

"We got a lot in common," Sampson defended him, "You don't even know..."

"No straight guy is comfortable meeting someone in that way. And if he was why would he go out of his way to be his friend with just one of two us at that?" I replied.

"Because you're an asshole sometimes..."

Sampson blurted the words out quicker then I even think he noticed. Immediately my forehead frowned. Oh I was an asshole sometimes?

I mean it was true but to hear it from my own boyfriend? What was that really about? I struggled to get up and I could see him struggling to keep me there.

"Get off."

`Syn, I didn't mean it...I mean I did, but not like that."

"Get the hell off of me."

"You're acting like a kid. Can you let me explain it?"

"I'm an asshole. How do you explain that? Is that what your new `friend' has been feeding you."

"No...that's all me," he stated getting up, "Syn, we are getting older. Like all the attitude, the immaturity, come on...it needs to change. I called your job asking how'd you do on your first job and he let me know what happen..."

"You did what?"

"I called your job. Syn, why were you trying to hide the fact that you got fired. Were you going to tell me?"

"Listen good," I stated, looking over at Sampson, "Don't call my fucking job. I don't care how many times you fucked me, it doesn't give you any right."

"Oh see, that's the LEGENDARY attitude of Syn. When are you going to drop it Syn and realize you can't be like that forever. How far will you get acting like that?"

"All this because of Quan?"

"Quan is JUST my friend. People don't like you...how many friends has your attitude cost me Syn? Seriously, I won't let it cost me another one."

"YOU JUST MET HIM!"

I couldn't believe this. My anger was really starting to boil over. He was pissing me off completely. I hated when Sampson pretended like he was such good friends with someone. He'd known me for years. And he was sitting there defending this boy with all his might. I couldn't believe this.

"You not understanding my point," he told me, getting back to calm, "Come over here, Syn...let's talk about this."

"Go talk to Quan," I stated.

I started to walk away. I stopped for a minute thinking about it, but then I was like fuck it. Sampson and I had known each other way too long for him to bullshit me over someone.

We'd been together way too long for him to bullshit me over some idiot. Fuck was his problem?

All that arguing for a random friend?

 

 

I tried not to cry. It was easy, I had trained myself to try to hide my emotions, both inside and out. However I had forgotten who I was with.

T-Boy had parked right outside of my dorm. He gave me a look before he let me out of the car. The look almost seemed familiar for once to the looks he used to have.

"Fine...you can talk about it," T-Boy replied.

"I don't know what the hell you talking about."

"Syn, I know you."

"Congratulations..."

I started up away from T-Boy. He pulled his hand out and touched me. He grabbed me. It was the first time that he willingly tried to touch me since we started talking again.

"Wait..."

"Don't you hate me now T-Boy?" I started, "I mean, what is this? Don't you have some big resentment towards me. Don't let me being sad break that up...ok?'

"I just want you to read something."

"What?"

"It's a lyrics to a song from Amy Winehouse."

I offered him my hand.

He shook his head, "Syn, no it's not on paper. It helped me get through some hard times. Maybe it can help you get through some hard times for you too. The print is kind of small. Hope you can read it."

He turned around and there were the lyrics there, permanently tattooed on his back. It was long, running down the left half of his back from hi shoulder blade all the way to the smalls in his back.

It was in a very cursive letter. I found it kind of sexy in a way.

"May I?" I asked him.

"Yeah."

I touched the skin, my fingers running across each letter trying to make it out what the very cursive letters said.

They read:

For you I was a flame
Love is a losing game
Five story fire as you came
Love is a losing game

One I wished I never played
Oh what a mess we made
And now the final frame
Love is a losing game

Played out by the band
Love is a losing hand
More than I could stand
Love is a losing hand

Self professed... profound
Till the chips were down
Though you're a gambling man
Love is a losing hand

Though I battle blind
Love is a fate resigned
Memories mar my mind
Love is a fate resigned

Over futile odds
And laughed at by the gods
And now the final frame
Love is a losing game"

 

 

"I don't get a lot of it," I stated.

Laughed at by the gods...fate resigned...Self, professed and profound. The idea seemed to be so simple but some of the words just didn't' seem to click.

However I could see the sadness in it. The defeat was written all around his back.

He pulled down his shirt and shot me a quick, yet serious look, "You should think about it. Because you are sitting here so upset right now, like you don't get it. Love is a losing game."

He was talking about Sampson and me.

I didn't look back at T-Boy as I got back out the car. I felt like it was completely fine with him. He didn't seem that pressed one way or another.

I looked back at the car. Was he right?

 

 

It was two weeks later.

Sampson and I were still talking, on cool terms. But he always seemed to busy. He always seemed to running off with Quan somewhere. Truthfully it was getting on my last nerves but I didn't want to keep arguing on the time.
I wante

"That is wack maybe you two just need space," Angelina suggested.

We were sitting in our usual meeting spot...the lobby. Khan shook his head the entire time Angelina was talking.

"Yeah and let Quan have him. I think Quan's gay."

"THANK you," I stated, "Finally someone agrees with me."

Angelina laughed like this was the funniest thought in the world, "Quan is not gay. You two are horrible. Khan you follow everything Syn says."

Khan rolled his eyes, "Only if it makes sense."

"Well I don't want him to be gay because that means Dani will be single."

"So?"

"That'll mean every straight guy on campus is going to be in her...Including Porter—"

Just as she said that Khan pinched her. We both looked up to see Porter standing over us. He had his shirt off yet again. He must not have known exactly how sexy his body was or maybe he did know and just purposely wanted people to look at him with envy.

"Um...can you guys stop talking about me..."

Khan, Angelina and I all had these weird looks on our faces.

 

Porter hadn't been around us in the longest time. He'd self-exiled himself from us. From a lot of people actually.

He just had been acting kind of...weird.

"Porter we aren't talking trash about you or anything," Angelina stated.

"Yeah bro, it's just idle conversation."

Porter nodded, "Ok, I understand but I just don't like to be talked about. I just want to keep to myself."

"Porter...what's wrong?" Khan asked, "I mean we were all cool. You just don't mess with us anymore or something?"

Porter shook his head, "I don't have a problem with you guys."

"Oh is that right?" I asked him.

He looked at me and nodded, not speaking just nodding very silently. It was real awkward. I could see even Angelina was acting awkward and real jittery. She moved from the couch, to lower the television and then went to sit back on her couch, then went over to sit on the arm of Khan's chair.

She was a bumbling mess.

It was the first time she was around Porter in a long time.

Khan looked over at him, "Then why don't you come sit down. Talk with us for awhile."

Porter looked over at me and Angelina. I can tell he was still feeling awkward about that night. That's probably why he had gone M.I.A for so damn long.

"He doesn't have to," I stated, "He can go cower somewhere and make up lies."

"Syn..."

Porter gave me a look. I didn't know what it was about. It was almost as though agreeing with me that then turned away and walked away.

Just like that.

Khan put his hand on his face and laughed a little, "You just had to say something to him."

"I don't like him."

He ran in here demanding we stop talking about him. Why the hell was he listening?

Angelina nodded, "Maybe Syn's right. Like...Porter seems weird. Distant. He seems like he doesn't need anyone around. I don't know. Maybe he can't get over Dani."

"I just kind of feel bad for the kid. He seems like he's going through something and has no one to talk to."

"You can't save the world," I stated.

You definitely couldn't. We sat there and continued to talk and bullshit the day away. You just had to take things one step at a time.

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It was Rush Week. Rush week was the formal recruitment time for all the fraternities and sororities on campus.

 

Khan dragged me to one of their little meetings/parties. Classes had been beating my ass. There was no way I wanted to be at one of these dumb little meeting.

"Are you really going to go through with this?" I ask Khan.

"Go through with what?"

"Rushing into this fraternity?"

We walked closer. It was the big Alpha party. Alpha Phi Alpha was supposedly the hardest black fraternity to get into. I looked at the line.

Khan laughed, "Why because I'm Asian?"

"No because you're a geek Khan," I laughed.

He looked at me and rolled his eyes, "Why don't you pledge Alpha? You know? I mean truth is, I feel like it'd help you a lot."

"Why?"

"You can build bonds with guys like you..."

"None of them are like me..."

"Even more reason. You can teach them a lot."
"I'll pass."

We walked into the Alpha party. I had to admit, there were a lot of attractive guys in this room. A couple turned to look at me as though a little amazed by me being there.

"Khan, nice to see you again," A guy stated.

He was tall, lean and skinny. He had on a sweater that looked real hot actually. He walked over and shook Khan's hand.

"Yeah, I've been to every Alpha event this week, I'm really interested," Khan stated.

"You are definitely one of the more dedicated," the guy replied.

This conversation was boring me.

I turned over to the refreshment table. Yeah, I needed some of the more INTERESTING stuff in my life right about now.

"Whose your friend?" The guy stated.

He was looking right at me.

I turned to him.

"Syn Clinton."

He reached out to shake my hand, "Nice to meet you Syn. I'm Nyno. Nyno Childs."
"Ok," I stated, my eyes slowly turning to the refreshments.

"So what brings you here?"

"Boredom," I stated honestly, "This is slightly more interesting then thinking of ways to hang myself. Just slightly though..."

"HE'S JOKING," Khan stated loudly.

I could tell he was immediately embarrassed. He knew why I was. Why risk it and bring me here. If he needed a way to make him look good because of his obnoxious friend then he was definitely succeeding at that.

Nyno asked, "Is he?"

I looked over to Khan, "Am I? Excuse me you guys...I'm a little busy. Well not really. I'm just a little bored with this conversation."

"You're friend is interesting," Nyno stated.

"I'm so sorry," Khan replied.

"Can I leave now and get snacks and maybe you can discuss me behind my back like everyone else does?"

"Please, hurry, go," Khan stated, getting real red in his face.

"No wait...do you know about Alphas?"

"No sir," I replied, "I'm with the whole man on man relationships though. I'm gay. That's probably the closest I get to this jibber jabber."

"Well, you're gay too. Khan, I like your friend."

"You what?"

"The Kappas got this new pledge, Sampson. I guess he's this all American guy but he also happens to be gay. The twist is attracting a lot of attention to the Kappas. If we had someone so different, new and fresh like your friend pledge Alpha, we may be able to be the new talk of the town..."

Different, new and fresh...he sounded like a bad marketing.

"Did you say Sampson?" Khan asked.

He looked over at me.

Sampson was pledging Kappas. Why didn't he tell me? Wait...wasn't Quan a Kappa. Explains why they'd been spending so much time together.'

"I'll do it?"

Khan turned to me, "What!"
"I'll do it. I'm interested in being an Alpha. How do I sign up?"