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"You lost your mind Sampson?" I ask
walking into the room.
He is on his bed and just as I walk
into the room I see how stupid I look almost immediately. They both have papers
in their hands. They are both looking down on the papers.
the only one there. Actually Dani is there too. She
is sitting on the side filing her nails as I run in.
what's wrong are you ok?" Sampson said, jumping up.
His head is wrapped.
I could see by how he makes a sharp noise
that it hurt him to jump up a little bit.
"He thought we were talking to each
other one on one," Quan stated and laughed, "Hey Dani, I'm cheating on you with Sampson."
started to laugh, "Sampson, your boyfriend ok in the head?"
These motherfuckers thought I was funny! I
looked over at T-Boy. He wasn't even helping me out.
He just looked away.
I didn't get it.
didn't think..." Sampson started.
"Cause we were running lines for Dani's theater class. She is a theater major. And she
needed help running lines. You can't
really think that I'd do that to you, do you?"
I shook my head, "Of course not."
his head, "I guess. You guys are
weird. Is this a real relationship
Sampson, I don't even think you're gay."
"Faggot, you want to see me fuck him
right now? I'll show you how gay he
on...he was just playing, calm down," Sampson defended him almost immediately.
I just let it go.
up and gathered his papers, "C`mon
Dani, Syn's trying to act
tough again. Sampson I'll catch you
"Yeah bro, see you later," Sampson
almost shoulder to shoulder with me when he turned around and looked back, "Oh,
Sampson, by the way have you met Syn's friend
My mouth closed quickly.
He was really about to bring Porter
up in front of Sampson. I could see
Sampson's face get a little suspicious.
With that Quan
left the room with Dani acting like the little
schoolgirl whore she was chasing behind yet another man with the highest heels
I looked over at Sampson sitting
"What does he mean? Whose Porter?"
I shook my head, "No one."
you're lying. Whose Porter, just tell me, I mean..."
"Some boy I know ok?" I stated and
sat at the end of the bed, "Sampson, who did this to you? That is what I'm
worried about right now."
I prayed he would get off the subject.
He sat for a second and I wondered if he
would pursue the situation about who Porter was, but instead he just put his
hand on his head and seemed to be trying to remember.
"I can't remember much about that
I added immediately, "You got a phone
"That's what Quan
stated, but I really blanked out and forgot all that stuff. It's like a blurry
dream that you don't remember. All I
remember was waking up...in water."
"You're lucky to be alive," T-Boy
T-boy was still in the room. I had
forgotten he was even there. He was standing quietly in the back stalking the
Almost as though knowing what this
meant, I could see Sampson grab me putting his hand on mine.
"Thank you for bringing him to me,"
"I mean you said you wanted to see
him so it was the least that I could do for you bro."
It was silent for a moment.
I felt bad just because Sampson was really
kind of making him feel bad a little.
I watched T-Boy's eyes gliding over
to how Sampson was holding my hand all of a sudden. Then they stared at the
"Listen if you got beef Sampson, you
need to let me know. You my brother,
I'll handle it for you bro...seriously..."
"I don't know who would do this to
me...seriously. Syn was the only one mad at me."
"Yeah, I knocked you on the head and
put you in the water," I said sarcastically.
He grabbed me pulling me onto the
bed completely, flinging my legs into the air.
I could see him wrestle me down.
"I figured it was you," he replied.
He started to wrestle me down trying
to squeeze the hell out of me. I struggled but it was to no avail.
Sampson squeeze me
and I laughed out until I caught a hard time breathing.
"If that's it then, I'll leave you
"No, can you take Syn back, I don't want him walking around alone...I don't
have a good feeling about yesterday."
I looked at Sampson, "Baby what do you mean?"
"I just think if they hurt me,
they'd hurt you. And it's ok if they do whatever to me, but I'll die anyone did
anything to you..."
"Listen I'll wait in the car," T-Boy
interrupted, "Syn you can come when you...finish up
He gave Sampson a nod and didn't
look at me at all before he walked away completely.
It was obvious something was bothering him
and he wasn't going out of his way to hide it.
Sampson looked at me and turned me
around, "You know he still loves you right?"
What was the point of him saying
He was sitting there seemingly
waiting for me to respond.
"Well you know Quan
likes you..." I suggested.
Sampson sighed, "Syn,
you can't be serious."
"Think about it Sampson. He's
straight. He met us holding hands and
kissing. Ever since then he's gone out of his way to be your friend."
got a lot in common," Sampson defended him, "You don't even know..."
straight guy is comfortable meeting someone in that way.
And if he was why would he go out of his way
to be his friend with just one of two us at that?" I replied.
you're an asshole sometimes..."
blurted the words out quicker then I even think he noticed.
Immediately my forehead frowned.
Oh I was an asshole sometimes?
mean it was true but to hear it from my own boyfriend? What was that really
about? I struggled to get up and I
could see him struggling to keep me there.
didn't mean it...I mean I did, but not like that."
"Get the hell off of me."
"You're acting like a kid. Can you
let me explain it?"
"I'm an asshole. How do you explain
that? Is that what your new `friend' has
been feeding you."
"No...that's all me," he stated
getting up, "Syn, we are getting older.
Like all the
attitude, the immaturity, come on...it needs to change. I called your job asking how'd you do on your first job and he let me know what
"You did what?"
"I called your job. Syn, why were you trying to hide the fact that you got fired. Were you going to tell me?"
"Listen good," I stated, looking
over at Sampson, "Don't call my fucking job.
I don't care how many times you fucked me, it
doesn't give you any right."
"Oh see, that's the LEGENDARY
attitude of Syn. When are you going to
drop it Syn and realize you can't be like that
forever. How far will you get acting
"All this because
JUST my friend. People don't like
you...how many friends has your attitude cost me Syn?
Seriously, I won't let it cost me another
"YOU JUST MET HIM!"
I couldn't believe this.
My anger was really starting to boil
over. He was pissing me off
completely. I hated when Sampson
pretended like he was such good friends with someone.
He'd known me for years. And he was sitting
there defending this boy with all his might.
I couldn't believe this.
"You not understanding my point," he
told me, getting back to calm, "Come over here, Syn...let's
talk about this."
"Go talk to Quan,"
I started to walk away.
I stopped for a minute thinking about it, but
then I was like fuck it. Sampson and I
had known each other way too long for him to bullshit me over someone.
We'd been together way too long for
him to bullshit me over some idiot. Fuck
was his problem?
All that arguing
for a random friend?
I tried not to cry.
It was easy, I had
trained myself to try to hide my emotions, both inside and out.
However I had forgotten who I was with.
T-Boy had parked right outside of my
dorm. He gave me a look before he let me
out of the car. The look almost seemed
familiar for once to the looks he used to have.
"Fine...you can talk about it," T-Boy
"I don't know what the hell you
I started up away from T-Boy.
He pulled his hand out and touched me.
He grabbed me.
It was the first time that he willingly tried
to touch me since we started talking again.
"Don't you hate me now T-Boy?" I
started, "I mean, what is this? Don't
you have some big resentment towards me.
Don't let me being sad break that up...ok?'
"I just want you to read something."
"It's a lyrics
to a song from Amy Winehouse."
I offered him my hand.
He shook his head, "Syn, no it's not on paper.
It helped me get through some hard times. Maybe it can help you get
through some hard times for you too. The
print is kind of small. Hope you can read it."
He turned around and there were the
lyrics there, permanently tattooed on his back.
It was long, running down the left half of his back from hi shoulder
blade all the way to the smalls in his back.
It was in a very cursive
letter. I found it kind of sexy in a
"May I?" I asked him.
I touched the skin, my fingers running
across each letter trying to make it out what the very cursive letters said.
For you I was a flame
Love is a losing game
Five story fire as you came
Love is a losing game
One I wished I never played
Oh what a mess we made
And now the final frame
Love is a losing game
Played out by the band
Love is a losing hand
More than I could stand
Love is a losing hand
Self professed... profound
Till the chips were down
Though you're a gambling man
Love is a losing hand
Though I battle blind
Love is a fate resigned
Memories mar my mind
Love is a fate resigned
Over futile odds
And laughed at by the gods
And now the final frame
Love is a losing game"
get a lot of it," I stated.
by the gods...fate resigned...Self, professed and profound.
The idea seemed to be so simple but some of
the words just didn't' seem to click.
could see the sadness in it. The defeat was written all around his back.
down his shirt and shot me a quick, yet serious look, "You should think about
it. Because you are sitting here so upset right now, like you don't get it.
Love is a losing game."
talking about Sampson and me.
look back at T-Boy as I got back out the car.
I felt like it was completely fine with him.
He didn't seem that pressed one way or
back at the car. Was he right?
Was love really so hopeless?
It was two weeks later.
and I were still talking, on cool terms. But he always seemed to busy.
He always seemed to running off with Quan somewhere.
Truthfully it was getting on my last nerves but I didn't want to keep
arguing on the time.
"That is wack maybe you two just need space," Angelina suggested.
sitting in our usual meeting spot...the lobby.
Khan shook his head the entire time Angelina was talking.
let Quan have him. I think Quan's
you," I stated, "Finally someone agrees with me."
laughed like this was the funniest thought in the world, "Quan
is not gay. You two are horrible.
Khan you follow everything Syn says."
rolled his eyes, "Only if it makes sense."
don't want him to be gay because that means Dani will
mean every straight guy on campus is going to be in her...Including Porter—"
she said that Khan pinched her. We both
looked up to see Porter standing over us.
He had his shirt off yet again.
He must not have known exactly how sexy his body was or maybe he did
know and just purposely wanted people to look at him with envy.
you guys stop talking about me..."
Angelina and I all had these weird looks on our faces.
hadn't been around us in the longest time.
He'd self-exiled himself from us. From a lot of people
had been acting kind of...weird.
aren't talking trash about you or anything," Angelina stated.
it's just idle conversation."
nodded, "Ok, I understand but I just don't like to be talked about. I just want
to keep to myself."
wrong?" Khan asked, "I mean we were all cool. You just don't mess with us
anymore or something?"
shook his head, "I don't have a problem with you guys."
that right?" I asked him.
at me and nodded, not speaking just nodding very silently.
It was real awkward.
I could see even Angelina was acting awkward
and real jittery. She moved from the couch, to lower the television and then
went to sit back on her couch, then went over to sit on the arm of Khan's
She was a bumbling mess.
It was the first time she was around Porter in a long time.
looked over at him, "Then why don't you come sit down.
Talk with us for
looked over at me and Angelina. I can
tell he was still feeling awkward about that night.
That's probably why he had gone M.I.A for so
doesn't have to," I stated, "He can go cower somewhere and make up lies."
gave me a look. I didn't know what it
was about. It was almost as though
agreeing with me that then turned away and walked away.
his hand on his face and laughed a little, "You just had to say something to
He ran in
here demanding we stop talking about him. Why the hell was he listening?
Angelina nodded, "Maybe Syn's
right. Like...Porter seems weird. Distant.
He seems like he doesn't need anyone around.
I don't know. Maybe he can't get over Dani."
kind of feel bad for the kid. He seems like he's going through something and
has no one to talk to."
save the world," I stated.
definitely couldn't. We sat there and
continued to talk and bullshit the day away.
You just had to take things one step at a time.
Rush Week. Rush week was the formal
recruitment time for all the fraternities and sororities on campus.
Khan dragged me to one of their little meetings/parties.
Classes had been beating my ass. There was no
way I wanted to be at one of these dumb little meeting.
really going to go through with this?" I ask Khan.
through with what?"
into this fraternity?"
closer. It was the big Alpha party.
Alpha Phi Alpha was supposedly the hardest
black fraternity to get into. I looked
at the line.
laughed, "Why because I'm Asian?"
because you're a geek Khan," I laughed.
at me and rolled his eyes, "Why don't you pledge Alpha?
I mean truth is, I feel like it'd help you a
build bonds with guys like you..."
them are like me..."
reason. You can teach them a lot."
into the Alpha party. I had to admit,
there were a lot of attractive guys in this room.
A couple turned to look at me as though a
little amazed by me being there.
nice to see you again," A guy stated.
tall, lean and skinny. He had on a
sweater that looked real hot actually.
He walked over and shook Khan's hand.
I've been to every Alpha event this week, I'm really interested," Khan stated.
definitely one of the more dedicated," the guy replied.
conversation was boring me.
over to the refreshment table. Yeah, I needed some of the more INTERESTING
stuff in my life right about now.
"Whose your friend?" The guy stated.
looking right at me.
out to shake my hand, "Nice to meet you Syn.
"Ok," I stated, my eyes
slowly turning to the refreshments.
brings you here?"
I stated honestly, "This is slightly more interesting then thinking of ways to
hang myself. Just slightly though..."
JOKING," Khan stated loudly.
tell he was immediately embarrassed. He
knew why I was. Why risk it and bring me here.
If he needed a way to make him look good because of his obnoxious friend
then he was definitely succeeding at that.
Nyno asked, "Is he?"
over to Khan, "Am I? Excuse me you
guys...I'm a little busy. Well not really.
I'm just a little bored with this conversation."
friend is interesting," Nyno stated.
sorry," Khan replied.
leave now and get snacks and maybe you can discuss me behind my back like everyone
hurry, go," Khan stated, getting real red in his face.
wait...do you know about Alphas?"
I replied, "I'm with the whole man on man relationships though.
That's probably the closest I get to this jibber jabber."
you're gay too. Khan, I like your
"The Kappas got this new pledge, Sampson.
I guess he's this all American guy but he
also happens to be gay. The twist is
attracting a lot of attention to the Kappas.
If we had someone so different, new and fresh
like your friend pledge Alpha, we may be able to be the new talk of the town..."
new and fresh...he sounded like a bad marketing.
say Sampson?" Khan asked.
over at me.
was pledging Kappas.
Why didn't he tell me? Wait...wasn't
Quan a Kappa. Explains why they'd been spending so
much time together.'
turned to me, "What!"
"I'll do it.
I'm interested in being an Alpha. How do I