Date: Mon, 16 Aug 1999 09:57:28 -0400 (EDT)
From: sliders21@iname.com
Subject: hidden-desires-in-ny-10 (college)

**************
Hidden Desires 10
**************

	I couldn't believe that Josh just kissed me in front of Sarah and
Stephen! I couldn't say anything as I looked at my cousin and Stephen. They
were obviously stunned by what Josh did.

	"I've got to run or I'll be late for my class," Josh said as he
leaned down and gave me another peck on the cheek. "See you later." Then he
faced my cousin and Stephen. "See you around guys." I watched him walk away
from us. I slowly faced Sarah and Stephen. No one spoke for a couple of
minutes.

	"I think I'll go back to the dorm," Stephen said in a strained
voice. "I'll see you later Sarah." He turned around and started to walk
away from me.

	"Stephen wait," I managed to get out as I ran up to him and placed
a hand on his shoulder. "I want to explain---"

	"Explain what?!" Stephen stopped walking but didn't face me right
away. There was bitterness in his voice I had never heard before. "I'm not
that dumb not to know what's going on!"

             "It's not what it looks like," I sighed out frustrated. "I'm
not--"

	"You're not gay?!" Stephen turned around and faced me. He was
giving this sarcastic look that made me step back a little. "What about
that little date you have with your boyfriend later, huh? And let's not
forget that kiss he gave you!"

	"I----" I said in frustration but he just shoved me away roughly.

	"Fuck you Jason!" Stephen said to me angrily. "You should have just
told me you weren't interested in me! I bet you and Josh had a good laugh
at my expense, huh? I was a fool to ever believe that once you got to know
me better, you'd like me the way I like you."

	"You....like me?" I croaked out softly. Stephen just turned around
and walked away briskly. I stared at him for a while before I decided to
follow him. I was about to run after him again when I felt someone grabbing
my arms firmly.

	"Let him cool off first," Sarah whispered to my ear softly.

	"But----" I sighed out deeply as I faced her.

	"People have been staring at the two of you for a while now," Sarah
said to me as she put an arm around my shoulders and led me to a nearby
bench. We both sat down on it.

	"So Josh is really gay huh?" Sarah whispered to me softly.

	"I don't know," I said in a tired voice as I leaned back on the
bench.

	"But what about the kiss and your date tonight?" Sarah said slowly.

	"I thought we were just going out for dinner so we could talk about
the way we have been treating each other lately," I said as I started to
massage my temples. "I haven't really talked to him since that thing back
at the Student Center. I didn't know he considered it a date." Then I sat
up straight and looked at Sarah weirdly. Why was she so cool about all of
this? Sarah just smiled at me weakly.

	"The reason Josh and I broke up is because he had been acting so
strangely the last few months we were together," Sarah sighed out
deeply. "At first I thought he was just getting tired being committed to me
and maybe we needed some time away from each other but I realized it was
more than that."

	"You doubted his sexuality just because of that?" I couldn't help
but look at her doubtfully.

	"It has been the little things I noticed about him that made me
sure that he wasn't happy with me anymore," Sarah shook his head at
me. "Remember how he always insisted that you come with us during our
dates? He was more interested in talking with you than with me. I was the
one who felt left out, not you."

	"And I saw how he look at guys," Sarah continued. "He tries not to
stare at handsome men but I catch him sometimes doing exactly that. And all
the macho things he had been doing felt so wrong. I don't really know what
exactly that made me so sure he was gay. Maybe it is because I saw how he
was so happy with you and when you guys started to drift apart, he became
so despondent. He was trying really hard to be so happy with me but he
didn't succeed."

	"Wha---what are you saying?" I hoped that I just heard her wrong. I
didn't want to know Josh felt something for me. Not when I had gotten over
him already.

	"I wanted so much to believe that Josh is straight and in love with
me," Sarah ignored me and was just staring at the sky blankly. "He was so
nice to me and I know in my heart that he really wanted things to work out
between us. But I knew I had to end things with him because neither one of
us will win. We might miss out on our one chance at real happiness because
we are so pig-headed to face the fact that he doesn't love me."

	"I still don't get it," I said to her truthfully.

	"I gave Josh the time he needed to figure things out about
himself," Sarah said to me softly. "He obviously came to a decision to come
out because he moved out of the frat house and into a single room at a dorm
a month ago. And I was right in thinking that he have a thing for you."
	
	"He doesn't have a thing for me," I said to her weakly but I didn't
sound so convincing.

	"You're gay, right?" Sarah said to me to my surprise. I look at her
inquiring eye and realized that I haven't really come out to Sarah. She
obviously suspects I'm gay but I had never really told her the truth about
me yet. I tried to say something and no words came out of my mouth when I
opened it. I just didn't know how to tell her.

	"You don't need to tell me anything, I know," Sarah gave me a
reassuring smile as she leaned forward and hugged me. I wrapped my hands
around her and hugged her back tightly.

	"Thank you," I whispered to her ear softly.

	"Your welcome," She answered back to me. She let go of me and gave
me a huge smile. "So, what are you going to do with your dilemma?"

	"I don't know if I can tell my parents about---" I said to her
slowly.

	"Not that one," Sarah laughed at me nervously. "I meant, which guy
will you pick? Josh or Stephen?"

	"Ohhhh," I said as a blushed deeply. "I...I don't know. I don't
even know how they feel about me."

	"Stephen really likes you," Sarah said slowly to me. "He had been
pining for you since the first time he saw you. At least that's what he
told me."

	"You mean to tell me you've known about this and you didn't tell
me?" I looked at her in shock.

	"We were still trying to figure out how you'll react," Sarah
couldn't help but chuckle. "You should have seen the way Stephen smiled
when I told him we were going to a dinner and movie with you."

	"But he obviously hates me now," I sighed out again.

	"I told you to just give him some time to cool off," Sarah said
slowly. Then she looked at me warily. "Are you still going to your date
with Josh?"

	"Ummmm," I said gingerly. "I don't know if I should go to
dinner. Knowing how he feels for me and him being your ex-boyfriend and
all, It will be a little weird."

	"You obviously like Josh a lot, right?" Sarah sighed out deeply
again. "You don't have to answer that one. You guys used to be so close and
everything. If you want to start something with him, go ahead. Don't worry
about me. I'll be happy for you and for Josh if you guys ended up
together."

	"What about Stephen?" I asked her slowly. Sarah looked at me
silently for a while.

	"You like him a lot too, don't you?" Sarah said to me slowly.

	"I honestly don't know what to think anymore," I said in
frustration.

	"The only advice I can give you is to go with the guy that makes
you happy," Sarah said as she stood up. "I envy you Jason. Two great guys
are in love with you. I know a lot of people who would want to be in your
shoes now."

	"I don't feel that lucky Sarah," I sighed out deeply as I stood up
also. I gave her a hug and kissed her cheek gently. "Thanks for
understanding."

	"You should have told me this a long time ago," Sarah grinned at
me. "You know that I could never hate you. I always want you to be
happy. If a guy makes you happy then I'm all for it."

	"Thanks," I smiled at her. We said our good-byes and I headed back
to the bus stop. The bus came three minutes later. I was tempted to see
Stephen but I realized Sarah was right. I'll give him some time to cool off
before talking to him. Right now I have to settle some things with Josh
first.

*******************

	"Try the steak," Josh said to me as he offered me a small piece of
steak. He leaned over a little and was going to feed me the steak. "It's
really good."

	"Josh!" I hissed out at him as he sat back down silently. I
breathed in deeply. So far dinner wasn't going that well. I was very tense
while I was on the subway and it only got worse when I entered the
restaurant and saw Josh sitting in our table already.

	"Sorry," Josh mumbled out as he avoided my gaze.

	"Can I ask you a question?" I said softly to him. He looked up at
me and nodded his head. "Why did you kiss me earlier?"

	"Didn't you like it?" Josh flinched at my question. He was playing
with his napkin nervously.

	"Why did you think I like you kissing me?" I turned the question
back to him. I saw him turning pale-white as he clutched his table napkin.

	"You...you mean you're not gay?" He said to me in almost a whisper.

	"Why would you think I'm gay?" I asked him again but I avoided
looking at his face this time. I didn't want to ask the question but I
didn't really know what else to say.

	"Oh shit!" Josh muttered out as I heard him start to breathe
heavily. I looked up at him again and saw that he was very agitated. He was
giving me this nervous look. "I...I'm sorry. I thought you...that
you're..."

	"I'm gay," I cut him off. I couldn't bear seeing him like this.

	He didn't say anything but the color started to come back to his
face. A sigh of relief came out from his mouth as a smile started to
form. But it suddenly disappeared. He looked at me grimly. "You didn't like
me kissing you?"

	"I didn't even know you were gay and you felt this way for me," I
said slowly. "The last thing I expected was for you to kiss me in front of
Stephen and Sarah."

	"I thought you already knew considering the way I acted last Sunday
in your building," Josh said to me nervously. "I pretty much told you I
love you, right?"

	"You love me?" I asked him in total surprise.
	
	"I don't know," Josh sighed out deeply. Then he looked at me
straight in the eyes and placed his hands on top of mine. He squeezed it
real tight. "I do know that I'm very happy just to hold you hands like
this. I had never felt this way before about anybody. Including Sarah."

	"How come you never told me this before?" I said to him softly as I
pulled my hands away from his hands.

	"I was trying to tell myself that I can't be gay," Josh laughed a
little bitterly at himself. "That I'm straight and that I should just try
to avoid getting too close to you. Sarah was the perfect reason to be
straight. She's a very beautiful woman who likes me. She's intelligent,
charming, sweet. Everything a man can hope a girl to be. But I was more
interested in being with you than with her."

	"I did try to avoid you and for a while, I thought I finally had
gotten over you," Josh said to me. "You were also kind of avoiding me so it
wasn't hard to do that. But my life just wasn't the same without you in
it. I would just stare at my bedroom wall sometimes and wished the first
semester we had together never ended. Sarah finally noticed something wrong
and told me that we should cool off for a while and think about our
relationship and where it was going. I was really scared for a while
because she sounded like she knew I was gay."

	"She did," I said to him softly. "That's what she told me earlier."

	"Anyway, I did what she said and I realized that I could probably
marry her but I wouldn't be happy and neither will she," Josh said to
me. "Then I started to think about us and the times we spent together. That
felt so right somehow. I finally admitted to myself that I was gay and that
I love you."

	I was very tense as he was talking and no matter how hard I try, I
couldn't relax. This was what I had longed to hear for years. I looked at
Josh's eyes and saw that he was very serious. He was staring back at me. I
wanted to say something; anything but I couldn't think of anything to say.

	"I don't expect you to say that you love me too," Josh finally
spoke up when he saw that I wasn't going to say anything. He sounded
disappointed and that made me feel bad. Why didn't he tell me this some
months back!

	"I..I---" I was trying to come up with some way to tell him how I
felt but I didn't really know how I felt about him anymore. Yeah, I did
like him before and everything. But I'm over that now. Or at least that's
what I thought.

	"Just give me a chance Jason," Josh cut me off. He looked at me
hopefully. "That's all I ask of you. Let go out on a few dates and see
where this could lead."

	"You're my first real friend Josh," I said to him softly. "I had
friends back in high school but you were very different. You're the only
roommate I ever had and I guess I had to get to know you better to be able
to live with you."

	"What are you saying Jason?" Josh said to me slowly as a smile
started to form in his face.

	"I guess I'm saying that I'm sorry for not telling you that I'm
gay," I smiled back at him. "I didn't want you to hate me because you mean
so much to me. Aside from Sarah, you're the only person that I could talk
too easily. Not that we had been really friendly with each other lately."

	"That's all my fault," Josh sighed out deeply.

	"Why don't we just continue with dinner?" I said as I forced a
laugh to lighten things up.
	
	"OK," Josh smiled at me. "But I just wanted to say sorry for
everything that I ever did that hurt you." We started to eat silently
then. I started to tell him about my classes this semester and he did the
same. We eventually started to talk about the movies we had seen lately to
what our mutual friends had been up to. As dinner was ending, it felt like
old times. We were laughing and joking like we used to do when we were
still freshmen.

	We decided to stroll around a bit for a while and window
shop. Somewhere along the way, he grabbed my hand and held it firmly. I
look at him in surprise but he was just smiling at me.

	To my surprise, I didn't object or pull my hand back. We walked
like that for a while until we reached an ice cream parlor. We decided to
go in and have some dessert. After that, we decided to go home. We got a
taxi and he gave the driver my address first.  We were in front of my
building thirty minutes later.

	"I'll walk you up to your apartment," Josh said as he handed the
driver our fare.

	"You don't have---" I started to argue but he just placed his index
finger against my lips.

	"I want to," He whispered to me. We got out of the taxi and went
inside the building. True to his word, he did walk me up to my place. When
the elevator opened at my door, I was surprised to see someone sitting by
my door. Josh and I walked to my apartment slowly. The person stood up and
faced us. It was Shawn.

	"Hey," Shawn said uneasily as Josh and I walked up to him.

	"Hey," I smiled at him warmly. "What are you doing here?"

	"I tried to call you but no one was answering so I decided to go
here and wait for you," Shawn said slowly as he looked at Josh
nervously. "I guess I'll just talk to you tomorrow."

	"I was just about to leave actually," Josh said to Shawn
sweetly. "Ummm, Sorry for acting like a jerk before and calling you a
faggot. I was just going through something and I took it out on you. I'm
sorry."

	"That's what I heard," Shawn said slowly as he looked at Josh
keenly. "Some of the guys at the frat said that you're gay also."

	"That's true," Josh said as he put an arm around my waist. "I guess
I had more trouble accepting that than you. I'm sorry again for being a
jerk."

	"Are you guys.........?" Shawn was asking but he stopped and turned
beet-red.

	"It's all up to Jason here but if it were up to me, I'll say yes,"
Josh said with a laugh. He bent down and gave me a kiss on the cheek. "I'll
call you up when I get back to the dorm." Then he faced Shawn. "Bye Shawn."
Josh turned around and walked away. I opened my apartment and quickly
ushered Shawn inside.

	"Stephen was right!" Shawn said as soon as I closed the door. I
faced him as I placed the keys on a table besides the door.

	"What the hell are you talking about?" I said nervously as I
remembered Stephen. I saw Shawn walking to the couch and sitting down
comfortably. I walked towards him and sat down on the couch also.

	"He said that Josh was your boyfriend," Shawn said as he smiled at
me slyly.

	"Josh is not my boyfriend," I said nervously.

	"You were holding hands when you came out of the elevator and he
kissed you goodbye," Shawn said to me dryly.

	"We had dinner together," I said to him slowly. "But it wasn't a
date. At least it wasn't a date at the beginning. It turned into something
very complicated while we were eating."
	
	"Josh isn't your boyfriend?" Shawn looked at me in surprise.

	"Not exactly," I said as I choose my words carefully. "He told me
he loved me."

	"That's great!" Shawn looked at me happily. Then he saw that I
wasn't smiling. "You don't love Josh?"

	"I don't know," I cried out in frustration as I leaned back on the
couch tiredly.

	"You don't know?" Shawn was taken aback by what I said. "It's
probably just me but Josh is a very handsome guy and he's pretty nice
too. The way he talks about you tells me that he really does feel something
for you. You're attracted to him, right?"

	"Yeah," I said to him slowly.

	"Then what's the problem?" Shawn asked me exasperatedly.

	"Stephen," I said slowly.

	"Oh," Shawn said to me as he looked at me understandingly. He took
my hand and gave it a squeeze. "Stephen's a pretty nice guy, isn't he?"

	"Yeah," I smiled at him.

	"And he's attractive also," Shawn said slowly. "Some people might
even say he's drop dead gorgeous. Someone that could sweep a person off his
feet." I just nodded my head him.

	"I'll give you an unsolicited advice," Shawn said to me as he stood
up and let go of my hand. "Stephen's very jealous of Josh so I guess that
pretty much mean that he likes you too. Why don't you ask him out tomorrow
night?"

	"What about Josh?" I asked him weakly.

	"You said he's not your boyfriend, right?" Shawn sat back down. I
just stared at him for a while before he understood the whole thing. He
sighed out deeply as he lean back on the couch too. He said to me after a
while, "Who do you really love Jason?"

	"I don't know," I said to him honestly. "I don't want to hurt
either one."

	"That's your problem then," Shawn said as he sat up straight and
looked at my eyes. "They're both very special to you so you don't want to
hurt either one. But I don't see how you can avoid that from
happening. You'll hurt one of them or possibly both of them and yourself if
you don't do something quickly."

	"What should I do?" I asked him softly.

	"Pick the one that you really love," Shawn said simply. He stood up
and said goodbye and left me alone to ponder my future. Do I want to be
with someone who I'm just starting to fall in love with or with someone who
I had longed for the quite some time now and who just told me that he loved
me?

************
to be continued
************

Note: I'm sorry if this part took a little longer to post.  I'm starting to
get a headache trying to figure out how to end this thing. To be honest, I
don't know up to now whom Jason should end up with. I'm trying to come up
with a good ending so if it takes a little longer for the next part to be
posted, I'm sorry. Hopefully I can write part 11 very soon.

Email: sliders21@iname.com