Date: Sun, 25 Jul 1999 14:06:39 -0400 (EDT)
From: sliders21@iname.com
Subject: hidden-desires-in-NY-2 (college)

Warning: Yada Yada Yada.you know it already, right?

Note: This is a work of fiction. I don't live in New York and I didn't
study in Columbia. I might get a lot of facts wrong about the city or the
university. Sorry about that. While I wrote some short stories before, this
is the first time I really posted anything so I might get some grammar and
spellings wrong.  Also, I'm not familiar with writing in the first person
so I might shift to the third person sometimes. Sorry if that happens.

*************

		" Hello? " I picked up the phone automatically when I heard
it ringing. My eyes were on the television just as Sandra Bullock was
walking down the aisle in the wedding scene of her movie " While You Were
Sleeping. "
		" Jason? " Josh's familiar voice came through the line. I
fell silent as the scene earlier came back to my mind. I shouldn't have
yelled at him like that. It's not his fault that I fell in love with him or
if he fell in love with Sarah.
		" Yeah? " I answered nonchalantly.
		" Ummmm, " Josh sounded very nervous. " I think we need to
talk. "
		" About what? " I said as the bitterness of years of
yearning for him seeped into my voice.
		" Can we just meet tonight and talk things over? " Josh
said to me frustratedly. " I didn't even know you felt this way about me
and Sarah! I thought you were happy when we hooked up! " I fell silent
again for a few seconds.
		" I was, " I said flatly. " I was very happy that you and
Sarah were happy. But I lost a friend in the process. I think I have a
right to be a little bitter and depress. "
		" What are you talking about?! " Josh asked me. " I never
stopped being your friend even after Sarah and I started dating, right? "
		" Yeah, " I said sarcastically. " What a fine friend you
turned out to be! You'll just talk to me when you want me to give something
to your girlfriend or to ask how she is! "
		" Fuck! Sarah's my girlfriend for god's sake! And she's
your cousin! It's natural for me to ask you to give her some letters or ask
you how she is. "
		" But when you guys broke up several months ago, you
stopped talking to me also for a while. " I said softly. " It's that the
deal Josh. I'm your friend just because your girlfriend happened to be my
friend. And now that you guys aren't together, we aren't friends anymore
also. "
		" Shit! That's not true and you know it! I knew you way
before I met Sarah! "
		" I can't help but wonder if you used our friendship to get
her, " I said to him harshly. " When was the last time you and I went out
to watch a movie together like we used too the first few months we were
here? All you ever cared about was my stupid cousin and that stupid Frat of
yours.  Thank you for being a really good friend Josh!" I slammed the phone
dawn angrily.
		I stood up and went to the ref and got a big slice of
chocolate cake and sat down on the dining table and drowned my sorrows in
that. I silently cursed myself for acting like a jealous lover with
Josh. Why is he so insensitive anyway? He and Sarah sometimes drag me to
their dates and make out in front of me. All he ever talks about when they
were together was Sarah and the Frat he joined the second year they were in
Columbia. The painful thing is that while we were freshmen, we were pretty
inseparable. We went out to bars and saw movies together every
weekend. Even when he started dating Sarah and when I moved into my own
apartment. Then when we met again the following year, he started to become
aloof. We still talk sometimes but not as often as before. I felt like he
was slowly phasing me out of his life.
		But it did do one good thing. I finally got over Josh
because of that. I knew that I was over him when Sarah told me that he and
Josh broke up and I genuinely felt sad for the both of them.  When they
started dating, I wanted to strangle Sarah's neck so bad because she was
stealing my man!  *******************
		" Hey! " Sarah greeted me as I got out of my last class for
the day. It was just three in the afternoon. I looked at her and saw this
big stupid smile plastered on her face. " How's my favorite cousin doing
today? "
		" Not as good as you, " I said slowly as I raised an
eyebrow. " You're going to tell me the reason why you are so fucking happy
right now even though I probably won't like it, right? "
		" I met a guy! " Sarah said as her eyes sort of twinkled. I
just groaned out loudly as we both sat on the floor. I leaned back on the
wall as she faced me.
		" Okay, okay, " I muttered out to her. " Tell me all about
him. "
		" We're classmates in my Statistics class earlier. He came
up to me after class and told me we were classmates in Economics also
and--- "
		" Tell me the guy isn't named Stephen! " I suddenly felt my
body stiffen as I looked at her in shock.
		" How did you know? " Sarah looked at me in amazement.
		" Fuck! " I said under my breath as I stood up and began to
walk away. I cannot deal with this right now. I cannot act happy for my
cousin because she found someone knew when it makes me miserable.
		" Jason! " Sarah caught up to me. She grabbed me by the
arms and forced me to the side. She looked at me concernedly. " Is anything
wrong? "
		" I know I'm supposed to be happy for you and all that, " I
sighed out deeply as I avoided looking at her eyes. " But Stephen isn't
exactly my most favorite person in the world right now.  "
		" What did he do to you? " Sarah asked me softly.
		" Nothing really. I..I just have a lot on my mind lately
and people I don't even know starts to irritate me, " I said lamely.
		" Jason! " Sarah folded her arms as she looked at me
grimly. " What's wrong with you?  You've been acting strange these past few
weeks. "
		" I'm not! " I said defensively.
		" Why then did you decide to return here a few weeks early?
" Sarah asked me sarcastically. " I thought you said you liked it when we
spend summer in our grandparents' house up in Maine? You were very depress
up there. What's wrong with you? "
		 I just stared at her speechlessly. I wanted to tell her
what's wrong. I wanted to tell her that I felt so disgusted with myself
when I heard one of our grandparent's friends make a joke about gays and
they all laughed out. I felt like they were making fun of me. The thing
that made it worse was that I had to force myself to smile or else they'll
all know I was gay.
		I knew then that I wouldn't be happy in this life
anymore. I was gay and there was nothing I can do about it. I want to come
out so bad but I wasn't ready yet. If I can only find someone I can talk
to. Someone I can trust. Someone I can love. Someone who can love me
back. Someone who-----Fuck! I saw him then. Walking just like the way he
walked in my daydream.
		" Jason? " I heard Sarah call out to me again.
		" Just leave---let me be alone for a while, ok? " I said
hurriedly before turning around and almost running away. Is this the way
it's going to be from now on? I can't even look at his eyes. If I do that,
I might just fall for him more. I was rushing out of the building when I
bumped into Josh!
		" Jason? " Josh looked at me in surprise as he grabbed my
arms and held me steady. I knew I looked like shit. I didn't feel like
dressing up that morning so I just out on whatever I saw.
		" Hey, " I said a little nervously before I looked at my
back and saw Sarah and Stephen coming towards me. " I.I got to go
now. Bye. "
		" Wait a minute! " Josh didn't let go of my arms. I stared
back at him and saw the fear in my eyes. " What's wrong Jason? "
		" Josh! Don't let Jason go! " Sarah yelled out to him as
Josh looked behind me.
		" Fuck! " I cursed out loudly. I pushed Josh a little too
roughly as I sat down on the stairs and bent my head to my knees and
breathed in deeply. I felt like I wanna puke just then.  Someone sat down
beside me and arm went around around my shoudlers. I thought it was Sarah
but when I looked up, I saw the deepest bluest eyes I had ever seen. Shit!
It was Stephen.
		" Are you okay? " Stephen whispered to me softly.
		" Yeah.yeah, " I said hurriedly as I stood up and pulled
away from his embrace. I looked at Sarah and Josh and saw they were looking
at me worriedly.
		" What's going on Jason? " Sarah said softly. " Josh told
me you're angry at him.  You're angry at me. You're--- "
		" I'm not angry at you! " I cried out frustratedly.
		" That's why you never returned any of my calls and when I
ask you out for dinner, you always say you have other plans, " Sarah said
drily. Then she put a serious expression again. " You're even angry at
Stephen here though you barely know him. He told me you just met yesterday
at your History class. "
		" Fine! " I said bitterly to her. " I'm angry at Josh! I'm
angry at you! I'm angry at Stephen! What the fuck are you guys going to do
about it? "
		" Did we do anything wrong Jason? " Josh asked him softly.
		" Just-----Just leave me alone! " I said as I turned my
back towards them and began to walk away. " I just need sometime to be
alone for a while. I don't need you or Sarah or Stephen trying to be the
nice guy and help me straighten out my fucked up life. " ******************
		I was tossing on my bed that night, the day's events
replaying in my head.  I knew I was way out of line when I said those words
but it felt so good when I released my anger like that. I glanced at the
clock on the night table and saw that it was just 10 pm. I stood up and
dressed in black jeans and white shirt and put on my jacket.
		I went out of my apartment building and walked to this bar
two blocks away. It wasn't a gay bar thought it wasn't a straight one
either. It was just a place where the locals liked to hang out. I had been
spending most of my nights here for a few weeks now.
		
		I went inside and scanned the room for anyone I knew. I
spotted a few people I knew casually. They waved at me and I nodded to them
in greeting before going to the bar and ordering iced tea. I was never
really a big alcohol drinker so I tried to avoid drinking any if I can. I
wasn't that depress yet to drown my sorrows in alcohol. I was drinking it
slowly as I watched the dance floor.  Everyone looked so happy. Why can't I
be that happy?
		" Jason? " I heard someone call out to me on my side. I
turned my head and saw a guy that looked sort of familiar.
		" Shawn, right? " I forced a smile as I remember the
guy. He was in the same Frat as Josh.
		" Yeah, " Shawn smiled at me as he sat down on the stool
next to me. "You here alone?  "
		" Pretty much, " I nodded my head. " You? Alone or is some
of your frat brothers with you? " I saw Shawn cringed as I mentioned
that. He lost his smile and tried to avoid my eyes.
		" I'm.I don't belong to the frat anymore, " Shawn said to
me just loudly enough so I could hear.
		
		" Why? " I asked in surprise.
		" I.I left the frat because.. " Shawn mummbled out the rest
under his breath that I didn't catch it.
		" Because what? " I asked him curiously.
		" I'm gay! " Shawn said to me again, louder this time. He
glanced up to my face and saw the shock in it. Shawn had been one of the
most masculine guys I had ever met. He was one of those rugged, cowboy type
that you'd think was very homophobic.
 		" Ohhhh, " I managed to say to him. I felt so guilty then
as I watched him squirm in his seat. Why can't I just tell him that I'm gay
too? Maybe if I tell him, something will happen between us and---Fuck! What
the hell was I thinking! My parents will disown me if they knew I was gay.
		" I'll just leave you alone now, " Shawn said to me as he
jumped to his feet. He was avoiding my eyes as he made his way out of the
bar. I stared at him dumbly for a few seconds before I placed my drink on
the counter and went after Shawn. I caught up to him on the streets.
		" Hey, " I said as I put my hand on his shoudler. He
stopped and looked at me quizzically. I breathed deeply and said out
loudly, " I'm sorry for acting like a jerk back there. I just didn't expect
you to say that. I never realized you were gay."
		" It's ok Jason, " Shawn smiled at me weakly as he started
to walk away again. I walked beside him as I gave him a smile.
		" I know this quiet caf‚ down the block and they serve
the best hot cocoa in the city.  You wanna go with me and talk there? "
		" You..you want to talk to..me? " Shawn stopped dead in his
tracks as he looked at me in surprise. "Are you--- " Then he blushed
deeply.
		" No, " I said, lying through my teeth. " But I really need
to talk to someone right now.  That's why I was at that bar. So? How about
it? I'll even treat you. "
		" Ok, " Shawn said as he smiled at me. We walked to the
caf‚, ordered some pasteries and hot cocoa and sat ourselves by the
window.
		" When did you.. ? " I asked him as I stirred my cocoa. I
trailed off as I looked at him uneasily.
		" Just last March, " Shawn laughed at my discomfort. " I
was seeing this guy discreetly and thought it was love. I decided to leave
the frat and come out because I hated seeing him on the sly like we were
doing something wrong."
		" Thought it was love? " I echoed what he said.
		" We lasted until last month when he dumped me, " Shawn
tried to smile at me. " That asshole was seeing this other guy behind my
back. I never should have trusted someone taking up Sociology as a
course. "
		" Sociology? " I looked at him in surprise. " You were not
seeing Gary, were you? "
		" I was, " Shawn looked at me keenly. " Don't tell me you
were seeing him also! " He laughed out like the last line he said was a
joke.
		" No! " I said a little to defensively. " We shared a few
classes before and he didn't hide his sexuality from anyone. Actually, he
joked once to us that he had a boyfriend from one of the more well-known
frats in the Univeristy. We thought he was just joking. "
		" I'm surprised Josh never even mentioned me being gay to
you, " Shawn said to me. " I thought you guys were pretty close. He always
invited you to all the parties we had. "
		" He was just being friendly because my cousin was his
girlfriend, " Jason tried not to let his bitterness show and thought he had
gotten away with it. " Besides, we haven't really been talking that much
lately. "
		" Is he why you wanted to talk to someone tonight? " Shawn
asked me softly. I stared at him fearfully for a while. I knew I'm not
exactly one of those muscular jock types that reeks of masculinity but I
thought I acted pretty straight. I engaged in sports and went to the gym
pretty regularly.  That only thing that might show that I was gay was the
fact that I never had a girlfriend before. Even back in High School.
		" Sort of, " I said slowly. " I just realized a lot of
things lately. One of which is the fact that Josh was only a friend because
he's Sarah's boyfriend. " We fell silent for a while as we sipped our
cocoa. I smiled at him as I placed the cup back on the plate, " So? How's
being gay in Columbia? " Shit! Why didn't I just ask him if I'll like
coming out and being gay!
		" It's not that bad really, " Shawn said slowly as he
stared at my eyes. I just stared back in his eyes to show him I wasn't
hiding anything. He was the first one who broke the gaze as he began to
stir his cocoa again. " People in general are pretty tolerant. Some of my
frat brothers are still very friendly towards me. Of course there are a few
who gave me a hard time but considering what other gay people are
experiencing in other places, I'm pretty lucky I decided to study here in
Columbia. "
		" Enough about that, " I smiled at him as I tried to change
the topic. " Tell me about your classes this fall term. You're going to
graduate this year, right? " Shawn just looked at me curiously for a few
seconds before answering. I hope I didn't give away anything to him. I've
been pretty lucky so far but I knew my luck will run out. I just hope that
before that happens, I'll get the courage to come out just like what Shawn
did.  **********************
		I was sort of smiling as I got out of my car and proceeded
to the auditorium where my Economics class was being held. Shawn and I
spent an hour talking in the caf‚ last night and that somehow made me
feel good about myself. I rounded the corner and I saw Sarah and Stephen
standing by the entrance, obviously waiting for me.
		" Jason? " Sarah said softly as I walked pass them them. I
really didn't know what to say to them.
		" Yeah? " I stopped and faced her and her new boyfriend.
		" You ok now? " Sarah asked me gently as she took my hands
into her and squeezed it.
		" Yeah, " I nodded to her and gave her a weak smile. "
Sorry about all the stuff I said to you guys yesterday. " I said that as I
looked at Stephen in the eyes for a second, to acknowledge his prescence.
		" You wanna tell us what's bothering you? " Sarah looked
into my eyes and I saw the concern in them.
		" I'm not ready to talk about that yet, " I whispered to
her.
		" We're here for you Jason, " Stephen spoke up as I watched
him put a hand on Sarah's shoudler and smile at me. I felt sick to my
stomach. He's actually using me as a reason to touch my cousin. I tried to
control my anger
		" Look, " I said as I closed my eyes for a second before
opening them again.. " I know you guys are pretty damn happy to be dating
and everything but could you spare me your sweet nothings and leave me to
my misery, ok? " I turned around and quickly headed inside the
auditorium. I went to seat in the fifth aisle and just stared at the front
blankly. I felt someone seating down next to me.  I tunred my head and saw
that It was sarah and Stephen sat down next to her.
		" Sorry for always snapping at you like that lately, " I
apologized as I forced a smile at them. " Both of you. ".
		" I don't know what's going on with you Jason but I'm
always here to listen to you, you know that, " Sarah said to me gently.
		" Me too, " Stephen spoke up. I sort of looked at him in
surprise. This guy never stops!  He's trying to paint himself a saint in
front of my cousin at my expense. But I controlled my anger this time and
just continued with my fake smile.
		" Thanks, " I said half-heartedly.
		" And Jason, we are not dating, " Sarah laughed softly. "
At least not yet. He agreed to be my date for the Frat party this Friday
night. "

		" You'll be there, right? " Stephen asked me as he flashed
me one of his smiles. I knew I should be irritated with him right about now
but he had to smile at me like that. I just had to smile back at him.
		" Maybe, " I answered him truthfully. " I don't know yet. "
		" You've got to come! " Stephen said to me to my surprise.
		" I--- " I was about to say when I saw Shawn coming our
way. I was surprised since he wasn't in this class. Shawn made his way to
the aisle behind us.
		" Hey Jason, " Shawn smiled at me as he nodded to Sarah and
Stephen.
		" Hey, " I stood up and leaned on the seat before mine. "
This is Sarah's new boyfriend, Stephen. Stephen, this is Shawn. "
		" I..I'm not Sarah's boyfriend, " Stephen laughed
uneasily. " And we know each other already. We share a class also. "
		" Ohhhh, " I sort of blushed from that honest mistake.
		" I just want to thank you for last night, " Shawn turned
his eyes on me. " I was wondering if you were doing anything this Friday
night. "
		" I haven't made any plans yet, why? " I saw Sarah looking
at me curiously as I talked to Shawn.
		" A friend of mine is going to have an art exhibit and
since it was near your place, I thought you'd like to drop by for a second
or two, " Shawn said slowly to me.
		" Call me up tonight and tell me the details, " I answered
him.
		" Ok, " Shawn said before he said goodbye and left the
three of them.
		" I didn't know you and Shawn were good friends, " Sarah
said slowly as I sat back down. " What did you guys do last night? "
		" We met at this bar and I invited him to this caf‚ and
we just talked, " I shrugged my shoudlers casually.
		" You were in a gay bar?! " Stephen couldn't help but
exclaim out. I just stared at him open-mouthed for a few seconds before
anger took control of me.
		" What the fuck are you talking about?! " I hissed out at
him. " If you have to know, we met at this singles bar and it's not
exclusively a gay bar. And I don't think it's any of your business if I do
go to gay bars or not! "
		" But it's mine, " Sarah interjected. She was looking at me
warily as she said, " Are you gay? "
		" Fuck! " I muttered out under my breath as I turned my
anger to her. I know she was my cousin and that she really cares for me but
who the fuck does she think she is to just ask me a question like that in
public! And the ironic thing is that she was the reason why I was very
miserable! I wouldn't be out in that stupoid bar last night and met Shawn
if Stephen hadn't fallen in love with her and I could pretend I have a
chance with him. At least I would still have my dreams and but even that
she had stolen from me.
		" I.I'm sorry, " Sarah blushed in embarassment as I glared
at her. She obviously thought I was offended by her question because I was
straight and not because she stole the man of my dreams man! Not just once
but twice!
		" Look, " I said through gritted teeth. " I don't want you
to ask me that question again. "
		" O...OK, " Sarah said as she avoided my eyes. " Sorry. "
		I leaned back on my chair and let my anger cool down. I
didn't speak to them until the class started. After we were dismissed, I
quickly walked out of the auditorium without waiting for either of them.

To be continued...

************************

Note: I don't know yet whether to hook Jason up with Stephen or Shawn or
Josh or maybe someone else. I'll try to get something sexual started next
time. I'll try to post the next part ASAP.

Email address: sliders21@iname.com