Date: Tue, 27 Jul 1999 15:58:15 -0400 (EDT) From: sliders21@iname.com Subject: hidden-desires-in-ny-3 (college) Note: There was a lot of typographical errors in part 2 and I hope that this one won't have that many. I've gotten a lot of mails and I wanna say thanks to all of you written. Someone wrote me that I shouldn't have the characters drive cars since the story is in New York so I'll have them use taxis and subways to get around. Note: I know it's irritating when I shift from the first person to the thrid person. I try not to do that but like I said, I'm more used to using the third person. I'll try to get someone to proofread my stories so I can correct all of my mistakes. I read this one and I didn't find any mistakes. At least I think I didn't find any. ******************** Hidden Desires in New York - 3 By Sliders21 ******************** I was picking my food absent-mindedly while I was debating whether I should come out of the closet or not. I couldn't fool myself anymore into thinking that I was happy pretending to be straight. I probably could hide my homosexuality for long time. But should I sacrifice my happiness just for the sake of avoiding all the consequences of coming out? I was so lost in my own thoughts, I didn't see Stephen coming up to me until he placed his tray on the table and sat down opposite me. " I hope you won't freak out and start yelling at me again like you always do, " Stephen joked lamely but I just stared at him with a slight annoyance in my face. His face became serious as he said softly, " I just wanted us to be friends Jason. " " Sorry if I was very rude to you before but as you probably know by now, I have some very big problems and I couldn't care less if I come off as an asshole to anyone, " I said to him as I tried to control my emotions. I really wanted to lash out at him harshly so he won't act very concerned for me anymore and give up his insane idea to use me to get my cousin to bed. But looking at him right now, I can't help but feel like he meant all he had said to me. " That's why we're here Jason, " Stephen said to me softly. " I know you don't consider me a friend but Sarah's very worried about you. You know she'll help you out no matter what. Josh seemed to be very concerned about you also. You need friends during a time like this. " " You know what I really need in my life right now? " I said as I stood up and glared at him angrily. " I need to be left alone by people. Especially people that I barely even know and who's trying to get Sarah into bed by pretending to be a knight-in-shining-armor that helped out her cousin in his time of need. I don't know if you are blind or just plain stupid but I'm not a helpless damsel in distress. And even if I was one, I sure the hell wouldn't accept your help!" I stood up and left the cafeteria in a huff. I just couldn't stand seeing him act that way and knowing it was all an act. And if it wasn't an act and he truly wanted to be a friend to me, I knew I did the right thing. I was at a crossroads in my life and I don't want him to mess me up any further by making me fall madly in love with him. I knew I was attracted to him physically. That was very obvious from the first time I saw him. It will just make things worse if I knew just what a nice, caring, gentle guy he really is. If I make him a manipulative bastard then I will forget this stupid thing I have for him a lot sooner. ************************** Art is a very funny thing. I knew I suck at it. I barely can tell violet from purple. Maybe they are just the same thing. And I easily get bored at art museums. But as I stared at this awful painting of a girl picking flowers, I couldn't help but feel a little relaxed. For the first time in a long while, my mind wasn't filled with any thought other than how repulsive that painting is. " You like that? " A very soft voice suddenly whispered to my ear. " Huh? " I said in a daze as I was brought back to reality. I saw Shawn smiling at me as he handed me a glass of wine. I thanked him with a smile as I accepted the glass. I nodded back to the painting and said, " Actually, I thought that this is the most horrible painting I had ever seen." " I'm glad you were able to make it, " Shawn said to me as we walked over to the next painting. " I thought you'll go to the party instead. " " Like I need to see some moronic, dumb, dull-witted guy score with every girl in the party while I am probably in some corner, wallowing in self-pity, " I said with a laugh. " You seeing anyone right now Jason? " Shawn asked me warily as we joined a group of people. A guy was trying to explain just what the painting meant. " Not that I'm aware of, " I shrugged my shoulders. " I never heard Josh mention you having any girlfriends, " Shawn said to me as he looked at me expectantly, waiting for an explanation. " That's probably because I never had one, " I said casually as I tried to control my nervousness. Shawn was obviously fishing for information. I had to be very careful at what I say. I figured that the less I say, the better so I didn't offer any more explanation to him. " Ohhhh, " That was all Shawn could say as we turned our attention to the guy. He was an art critic and was saying his opinion about the painting. I didn't even understand half of what he said. " You wanna ditch this and head to this cozy bar I know? " Shawn said as we followed the group around for the next five paintings. " It's just a few blocks away. Don't worry, it's not a gay bar or anything. What do you say? " " Sure, " I said to him. " I really need some break from all this art stuff anyway. I have to remember to bring a dictionary the next time I go to a thing like this again. " We decided to walk the short distance to the bar. It turned out to be a blues bar. We sat down on a table and listened as this lady belted out some pretty amazing songs. Before I knew it, Shawn was telling me that we should leave. I looked at my watch and saw that it was already midnight. We shared a taxi and Shawn told the taxi to take him to his place first. Shawn was also staying off-campus and was living alone. He told me that he figured that it was much better for him to live alone in an apartment rather than stay at the dorms because he was gay. He didn't want to tempt fate. " Ummmm, " Shawn looked at me very nervously. " You wanna come up for a while? We could catch a late movie or something. " I looked at him for a few seconds, deciding what I should do. " I guess I could come up for a while, " I said slowly. We paid the cab and got out. Shawn lead me up to his apartment. I sat down on the couch as he went to the bedroom. I grabbed the remote and turned on the television. I switched the channel to HBO. Some crappy movie was playing but I decided to wait for Shawn. He might like this. " You want some beer? " Shawn's voice said behind me. I turned my head around and saw him coming from the kitchen and was carrying two bottles of beer. But that wasn't what got my attention. Shawn was just wearing silk boxers and a loose white shirt. " I--I don't drink actually, " I said as I focused my attention back to the television. I hope he didn't catch the nervousness in my voice. Fuck! I could feel my heart beating faster. " But you drank earlier, " Shawn pointed out to me as he placed my beer on the coffee table. I glanced at him and he gave me a smile before he took a drink from his beer. " I drink during occasions like that but I usually limit myself to a glass or two, " I said as I forced a smile. I have to stay calm. So what if a very hot and good-looking guy is sitting besides me and he's just wearing boxers and shirt. We are at his place and he just wants to get comfortable. I just focused on understanding the damn movie and not on him. " Jason? " Shawn called out to me. I tore my eyes from the television and looked at him. I was very surprised when I saw him move closer to me and felt him give me a quick kiss on the lips. I pushed him away and looked at him in shock. I couldn't say anything to him for a while. He was also just staring at me silently. " You don't have to say anything Jason, " Shawn said as he moved back close to me and placed his right hand on my legs and squeezed it gently. " You don't even have to do anything. You can just let me do all the work. I've always been attracted to you. " He pressed his lips on mine again as his hand moved higher. I quickly pushed him away again. " Why did you do that? " I asked him hotly. I was still trying to understand just what happened. A guy actually kissed me! Though I knew I wanted to kiss Shawn, it just didn't feel right. I was still so confused about coming out. " I--I thought that was what you wanted, " Shawn said to me slowly. "Didn't you? " " What?! " I burst out loudly as I stood up. I looked at him in disbelief as I started to get angry. I wanted him to kiss me? Yeah, maybe I did but I never did anything tonight to make him think that. I was having a very difficult time as it is trying to come to gripes with my sexuality without having him force me to make that decision right now. Having sex with a guy is a very big step for me. " You mean...you're not..." Shawn stammered out as he looked at me uncomfortably. " I don't know what you're thinking, " I said a little icily. " I'm here right now because you're one of the few people who makes me forget my problems. I don't know If I gave you any signs that I wanted to have sex with you. I thought we were just being friends and hanging out together. " " I--" Shawn said as tears flowed from his eyes. He began to sob loudly. I stood there and just watched him. I wanted to sit down besides him and put an arm around him and tell him it's ok. But I knew that I couldn't risk doing that. He's doubting my sexuality already and I don't dare do anything else to make him suspect me even more. So even if it tore my heart to leave him like this, I decided to do the macho thing and just walked out on him. ******************************* I was sitting on the dining table as I poured milk on my cereal. I felt so terrible leaving Shawn like that last night. Even if we weren't really friends, I never figured that I could be a cold-hearted bastard and do a thing like that to anybody. I can barely recognize myself lately. I'm not the nicest guy on the face of the Earth but I do try to do all the right things whenever I can. But shouting at my cousin, hating a guy I barely know and leaving someone when he needed a friend are I wouldn't have done. At least before I started to slide into this depression and started acting like a total jerk. Maybe it's time I really did something instead of just worry what could happen. But I also knew I just couldn't pick up a phone and call up everyone I know and tell them I'm gay. As I finished my cereal, I realized that I finally decided to come out. The question now is can I go through with it. ********************************** To Be Continued: ********************************** Note: This one is a little short. I'm still trying to decide how the story should progress. I've received some very interesting suggestions. To tell you the truth, I really didn't plan on writing this story. I was going to write another one when this one came to me. That means the next one might take a little longer to be written. One last thing. I said I'll try to get something sexual started in this post. Something sexual did get started but sorry if I didn't really get to finish it. I just think it's not time yet for Jason to have sex. I hope you'll stick around till he actually does have sex. E-Mail: Sliders21@iname.com Thanks again to those who wrote. I really appreaciate your e-mails.