Date: Tue, 10 Aug 1999 02:04:57 -0400 (EDT)
From: sliders21@iname.com
Subject: hidden-desires-in-ny-9 (college)

*************
hidden desires 9
*************

	I didn't really remember what I was thinking while I was sitting
inside the cab. All I know was that I kept saying to myself that Stephen
couldn't be interested in me. Not after all the stupid and rotten things I
did to him. Besides, he's with Gary now. I don't see where I can fit
in. And I don't think I could steal Stephen from Gary. I may be a lot of
things but I'm not that kind of person.
	
	It's ironic that as I was entering my apartment building, I
couldn't help but wished that Stephen was straight.  I wouldn't feel this
bad about myself if he was. I could justify my attitude towards him if that
was the case. I feel like killing myself for being the reason why Stephen
wasn't with me tonight. If I hadn't been such a bitch and tried to be
friendly with him I would have learned he was gay much earlier and then
maybe we could have ended up together.

	Fuck! I thought it was bad when I couldn't have Stephen because he
was straight and interested in Sarah. It was doubly painful to know that I
couldn't have him even though he was gay. This is all my fault!

	I exited the elevator to my floor and began to walk towards my
apartment. I was surprised to see someone sitting down against my door. I
squinted my eyes and recognized Josh. He stood up as I walked up to him.

	"Hey," I greeted him as I got my keys from my pocket.

	"You fucking asshole!" Josh suddenly grabbed my collar and pushed
me against my door. I was so surprised by his actions that I dropped my
keys to the floor. I looked in his eyes and saw that he was really angry. I
knew that the last time we saw each other, we got into a fight but I never
realized that he was this angry.

	"Wh-what is---" I began to stammer out. I was a little scared of
him because I haven't seen him this angry before.

	"You and Shawn went on a date today, didn't you!" He said with
contempt and bitterness in his voice as he let go of him. "Don't bother to
deny it. Someone saw the two of you having lunch together! You said nothing
was going on between the two of you!"

	"Josh, I---" I said calmly as I tried to reason out to him. This is
kinda funny. A week ago, I was the one venting and raving and he was the
voice of reason. Now our roles are reversed.

	"What? You're in love with him, is that it?" Josh said as I saw
tears fall from his eyes. But there was still a lot of bitterness and anger
in his voice. "Why him Jason? Why Shawn of all people?!"

	"Would you please listen---" I said a little louder this time but
he interrupted me again.

	"Why him Jason?!" Josh asked me again as he backed away. When his
back was on the wall, he slid down to the floor. He began to sob
uncontrollably. "Why not me? Why can't you love me like you love Shawn?"

	For the second time that night, I felt my heart stopped beating. I
stared at him and opened my mouth but my mind couldn't think of anything to
say. Josh just continued to sob as I stared at him stupidly.

	"Wh-what do you mean?" I asked him slowly as I knelt down in front
of him. He looked up at me and I saw the tears rolling down his cheeks. A
very frightened look suddenly appeared on his face. He pushed me aside
roughly as he stood up and ran away.

	I was still in shock at what he said so the only thing I did was
stare at him as he ran to the stairs. I didn't have the strength to even
stand up for the next few minutes. What did he say? Did he just say the he
wanted me to love him?

	I finally picked myself up, got my keys and opened my apartment
door. I walked inside and sat down on the couch heavily.  Shit! What's
going on here? First there was Stephen who I really like, love even. He
made me feel things I haven't felt before. The first time I saw him, I saw
fireworks.  If that's not love, I don't know what is. I finally learned
that he was gay only to find out that he was seeing someone already.

	Now Josh!  I had a thing for him before. I had a serious crush on
him. But after years of pining for him, I finally was able to get over him
and move on. I haven't even thought about Josh sexually for months now.
Could it be that he's also interested in me all this time?  But why doesn't
that excite me? Josh is gay! Maybe something can happen between us. I had
been interested in him before and it looks like he's interested in me too.

	But he wasn't Stephen.  When I first learned Stephen was gay, all
sort of stupid things ran through my mind. But the emotion that stood out
was anger. I was angry because I didn't find out sooner that he was gay. I
was angry at myself for being so self-absorbed that I didn't even try to
get to know him better.

	All I felt for Josh was sympathy. I was really very concerned that
he was crying and upset over Shawn and me. But nothing inside me was doing
a triple somersault at the thought of something developing between us now
that I know he might be interested in me too.

	I sighed out deeply as I pushed everything that had happened
tonight at the back of my mind. I still had that essay to finish. I stood
up and went to my bedroom to get my notebook and some paper and pen.

***********

	"Are you alright?" Someone asked me softly. I was sitting at my
seat, thinking about last night's events. I felt like I have been on an
emotional rollercoaster ride for the past few weeks.

	"Yeah," I said automatically before looking up. I saw Sarah smiling
down at me before she sat down on her seat next to mine.

	"Stephen told me that he saw you at this party last night," Sarah
said softly to me. I sighed out deeply and then faced her.

	"Mike got engaged to his boyfriend," I said to her as I looked at
her face. She seemed to be smiling at me slyly. That couldn't be good. "I
pointed Mike out to you before when I showed you my yearbook, remember?"
	"Stephen told me that you were flirting with Mary," Sarah told me
to my surprise.

	"I was flirting with Mary?" I repeated what she said as I
laughed. "Where did he get a stupid idea like that?"

	"So you're not flirting with her and nothing's going on between the
two of you?" Sarah asked me in a serious tone.

	"Of course not," I denied it vehemently. "You've met Mary already
once, remember? She's just a very affectionate person. She like to touch
other people while talking to them.  And she likes to joke around."

	"Stephen will be happy to hear that," Sarah said mysteriously.

"Wait a minute," I said to her as I looked into her deeply. " How come you
never told me Stephen was gay?" I was trying to judge her reaction. If
she's surprised then Stephen was lying and Sarah doesn't know anything
about his homosexuality.

	"You never asked," Sarah just gave a short, nervous laugh. "And you
never really wanted to hear anything about him, remember?" I was about to
defend myself when I saw Stephen coming down the aisle towards us.
	
	"Good morning," Stephen greeted us happily as he sat down next to
Sarah.

	"You woke up at the right side of the bed," I said slowly. I
couldn't help but feel a little jealous. Gary and him must have fooled
around a bit last night. "Did anything else happen last night at the party
after I left?"

	"I don't know," Stephen shrugged his shoulders. "I left a few
minutes after you. I could ask Gary if you want."

	"You left the party without Gary?" I couldn't help but be
curious. "I thought you were his date last night."

	"I left without him," Stephen smiled at me. "You and Shawn came
together too and you left separately."

	"But Shawn wasn't a date type thing," I laughed a little nervously.

	"Neither was Gary," Stephen gave me one of his smiles. The
professor showed up a little early this time so our conversation was cut
short. We listened a little bored at the lecture.

	"Jason?" Stephen said to me as we stood up and began to walk out of
the auditorium. "Can I ask you a favor?"

	"Sure," I nodded my head at him. "What is it?"

	"You remember that report we have to do for our history class?"
Stephen was looking a little flustered now. I just nodded my head at him
and gave him a reassuring smile. "I have to report next week and I still
can't understand half of the article I'm supposed to report on. Can you
help me out?"

	"Sure," I said and saw him relax a little. "Just give me a copy of
the article tomorrow." I said my goodbye then as I rushed off to my next
class which was on another building.

*************

	I saw Josh right after my last class. He was waiting for me outside
the room. I stopped in my tracks as I saw him giving me a very nervous
smile. I walked up to him slowly.

	"Hey," Josh smiled at me nervously.

	"Hey yourself," I smiled back at him.

	"We need to talk Jason," Josh said to me softly.

	"I know," I sighed out deeply at him.

	"I'd love to buy you dinner tomorrow night if that's ok with you,"
Josh said hastily as he blushed deeply. I couldn't help but smile at him in
amusement. He really looks cute when he blushes like that.

	"I'm free tomorrow night," I nodded at him. "Where?" He gave me a
name of a restaurant and a time before quickly leaving with a goodbye. I
watched him walk away before I turned around and headed in the other
direction. I decided to go to Stephen's dorm and get the article I'm
supposed to help him out with.  I was about to go inside the building when
I bumped into Mark.

	"Hey," I greeted him with a smile. "Is your roommate around?"

	"Stephen?" Mark looked at me quizzically." He's got a class right
now. How come you're looking for him? I thought you're angry at him or
something."

	"He asked me to help him out with his report in our History class,"
I explained to him. "I wanted to get a copy so I could read it tonight."

	"I'll tell him that you're looking for him," Mark nodded his
head. Then he looked at me warily. "He was telling me he bumped into you at
his gay party thing he went to last night."

	"The one who got engaged was an old high school friend of mine," I
didn't let the smile disappear in my face. Did Stephen tell everybody I was
at Mike's engagement party last night? "So, you knew about him?"

	"You mean about him being gay?" Mark just laughed at me. "Of
course.  He told me the first week he moved in."

	"Why didn't you tell me?" I said to him in frustration. "I was
making all those wild accusations about him being interested in my cousin."

	"It's not my secret to tell," Mark shrugged his shoulders at
me. "Besides, he told me that he wanted to tell you personally about
that. I just couldn't go around telling everyone that my roommate is gay,
right?"

	"You've got a point there," I accepted that explanation
grudgingly. I said goodbye and left. I was still searching for some proof
that this is just some sick joke Stephen was playing on me. I guess it was
not.

**************

	I was flipping through the channels later that night when I heard
the bell ringing. I got up and asked who it was. To my surprise, it was
Stephen. I let him in and opened the door. What could he possibly want with
me?

            I waited for him by the door and he showed up a few minutes
later. He was giving me this nervous smile as he stepped into my
apartment. I closed the door behind him before facing him.

	"Would you like some beer or some soda?" I offered him as we walked
over to the couch.

	"Beer," Stephen said to me. He sat down on the couch while I went
to the kitchen and got a beer. I gave it to him and sat down on the couch a
feet away from him.

	"What brings you here?" I asked him slowly as I watched him drink
his beer.

	"Mark told me you stopped by the dorm earlier," Stephen explained
to me as he gave me a folder. "Here's the article I'm supposed to report
on."

	"Ohhhh," I nodded my head in understanding as I opened it and read
the first few sentences. I groaned out under my breath as I closed it and
looked up at him. "This is a tough one."

	"Your telling me," Stephen said with a laugh.

	"If you want, we can start analyzing this right now," I said as I
stood up. I went to my bedroom and got my History book and some papers and
pens. I returned to the living room and as I was sitting down, I saw
Stephen giving me a strange look. "What?"

	"You don't waste time when it comes to school work, huh?" Stephen
said to me dryly.

	"Nope," I smiled back at him. "This is a tough one so we'd better
start now." That's exactly what we did for the next two hours. We just did
Stephen's History report. But I got to know more of Stephen because he
couldn't help but tell me some stupid story about him. He even got me to
tell him a few things about myself that I rarely tell anyone else.

	After doing his report, he stayed to watch a movie playing on
HBO. We were talking and laughing on the couch until it was midnight. It
just felt so natural for me to talk with him.  I felt really good spending
time with Stephen. Now more than ever I knew I really felt something much
deeper for this guy than anything I ever felt for anyone before. It's just
too bad that he's spoken for already.

	When the credits began to roll, I turned off the TV. That's when I
heard a soft snoring sound coming from Stephen. I glanced at him and saw
that he had his head on the armrest and was sleeping. I sighed out deeply
and went to my bedroom and got a pillow and blanket.

	I sat down besides him and watched him for a few seconds. I just
couldn't believe that a nice handsome guy like Stephen could ever be
interested in a bitter and angry guy like myself. I lifted his feet onto
the couch and put the pillow on his head and covered his body with the
blanket as I tucked him in.

	"Wh-what's up?" He woke up groggily as he tried to sit up. I just
pushed him back on the couch.

	"Go back to sleep," I whispered to him softly.

	"Thank you," Stephen said to me as he closed his eyes. There was
this huge smile on his face. I watched him for a few more minutes before I
went to my bedroom to sleep.

**************

	I opened my bedroom door and I heard bacon sizzling and the scent
of coffee brewing hit my nostrils. I walked to the kitchen wearing my
boxers and a shirt. I saw Stephen preparing breakfast. He was just putting
a plate of bacon and eggs on the table.

	"Good morning," Stephen greeted me warmly.

	"Hey," I greeted him back before I yawned sleepily. I pulled out a
chair and sat down. "I didn't know you can cook."

	"There's still a lot of things you don't know about me," Stephen
just gave me a grin. "Thanks for letting me crash on the couch last
night. You should have just woke up and sent me back to the dorm."

	"It was pretty late when the movie ended," I shrugged my
shoulders. "Besides, I wouldn't have my own personal cook if I sent you
home, would I?"

	"I knew I was only being tolerated for my cooking skills," He
laughed out at me. I excused myself and went to the bathroom. When I
returned, Stephen was already finished. He was sitting there on the table
and he sipped a cup of coffee.

	I sat down besides him and we began to eat. He asked me what
happened to the movie and I told him how it ended. I couldn't believe that
I was talking to him like nothing had ever happened between us. Could he
have forgotten the way I acted towards him already? He really seemed
genuinely interested in talking to me.

****************

	I met Lisa and Mark that day for lunch. We were supposed to discuss
the party we were going to have Saturday night for the Singles. It was
going to be held at this bar in the city. I entered the cafeteria in the
Student Center and saw the two were already there.

	"Hey," I smiled at them as I pulled out a chair and joined them.

	"This is kinda creepy," Lisa said as she looked at me keenly. "How
come there's a huge smile plastered on your face all of a sudden? Are you
the same guy who was brooding and scowling at everyone?"

	"I had a terrific weekend," I said to her but the smile didn't
leave my face. I just couldn't forget the way Stephen cooked breakfast for
me. I know that it's probably just his way of saying thanks for crashing at
my apartment but I can dream, can't I?

	"Stephen said that he was going to your place last night but he
didn't come back," Mark said to me warily, expecting me to blow up angrily
at him.

	"He slept at my place," I said simply to them as I looked at the
counter. "What are they serving today?"

	"You guys slept together?!" Lisa couldn't help but exclaim out.

	"Don't tell me you also know that he's gay?" I looked at her
sharply. "Am I the only one who didn't know about it?"

	"Stephen's gay?" Lisa looked at me quizzically then at Mark. I saw
Mark nodding at her affirmatively. Then the two looked back at me.

	"No, we didn't sleep together," I said slowly but there was a smile
of amusement in my face. "He slept on the couch. We did his report and we
ended up watching this movie. He fell asleep on the couch."

	"That's a relief," Lisa sighed out deeply. "For a moment there I
thought you found someone to love and you'll leave the Singles."

	"No wonder the three of us still haven't find anybody," I said
jokingly. "Instead of praying that we find someone to love, we are praying
for the opposite."

	"If you want to date Stephen that's fine with us," Mark shrugged
his shoulders. I stared at him open-mouthed. It wasn't what he said but the
way he said that the surprised me. He was so serious when he spoke.

	"You think I'm interested in guys?" I said slowly to him as I told
myself to stay calm. My reflexes were telling me to get angry at him and
walk away but I'm not going to let anything spoil this day for me. The man
of my dreams cooked breakfast for me! This is the happiest day of my
life. Nothing's going to ruin it.

	"Ummm," Mark looked at me uncomfortably. "No......I
mean-uhhhhh......"

	"You think I'm gay?" I asked him in a more calm manner.

	"There are times when we think you might be gay," Lisa said to me
slowly.
	
	"And the rest of the time you think I'm straight?" I replied back
sarcastically. "Thanks a lot guys."

	"Don't be angry," Mark said to me hastily. "We don't really know
what to think. You don't go out with girls."

	"And I go out with guys?" I said to him dryly.

	"No!" Mark said to me automatically.

	"The truth is we don't know if you are gay or not," Lisa explained
to me in slowly.

	"I'll go get some lunch while you guys to make up your mind whether
to place me in the hetero world or not," I said to them sarcastically as I
stood up. I went to the counter and got myself some soup, a sandwich and a
macaroni salad. I returned to the table and saw Mark and Lisa looking at me
apologetically.

	"We're sorry Jason," Mark said to me quickly as I sat down.

	"Let's just forget it," I sighed out deeply. "It doesn't really
matter what you guys think. Besides, being a lonely gay guy is just as bad
as being a straight lonely guy."

	"So does this mean you're not interested in Stephen?" Mark asked me
again warily.

	"Ok," I said as I stared deep in his eyes. "What does that suppose
to mean?"

	"It means that if you want to go out on a date with Stephen, I
could probably just might set something up," Mark gave me a weak
grin. "With us being roommates and all."

	"Isn't he seeing Gary?" I couldn't help but ask.

	"As far as I know he's not seeing anyone," Mark shook his
head. "That's what he told me yesterday. He was asking me if you're
available and-"

	"What?!" I looked at him in shock. "He's asking you about me?!"

	"Shit!" Mark said as he became pale white. He lowered his eyes to
avoid looking into mine.

	"Mark!" I hissed out at him. "What have you been telling your
roommate about me?!"

	"Uhhhhh," Mark looked up and I saw that he looked at me timidly. "I
might have told him that you could be interested in guys."

	"Fuck!" I cursed out loudly as I stared at him in disbelief.

	"Sorry," Mark said to me slowly.

	"Why did you do something like that?" I asked him as I kept my
anger in check.

	"He was always asking me all this stupid questions about you," Mark
sighed out deeply. "Asking me if you have a girlfriend or if you were
seeing anyone or what your type is. You get the idea. I just blurted out to
him that you were still looking for Mr. Right."

	"I don't know whether to kill you or just laugh," I said to him
honestly.

	"Stephen really likes you Jason," Mark said to me to my surprise.

	"Huh?" I still couldn't accept that fact even though there were a
lot of things telling me that it was true. Why else would he have put up
with my attitude?

	"It's pretty obvious," Mark said to me as he looked at my
face. "You haven't noticed it before?"

	"Why should I notice it?" I laughed out nervously. "I don't go
around and putting meaning into all the actions of people. I thought he was
really just a very nosy person."

	"We're all nosy when it comes to the affairs of the one we love,"
Lisa said to me softly. I stared at her in shock.

	"And when did you become a philosopher?" I asked her sarcastically.
	"The exact moment when your lovelife picked up considerably," Lisa
laughed out at me. "I'll miss you at the Singles."

	"Could we just go on with our stupid meeting?" I muttered out to
them.

	"You won't tell Stephen that I told you about him asking me a lot
of question about you, will you?" Mark asked me slowly.

	"Like I could go up to him and say 'Hey Stephen, your roommate told
me you have a crush on me? What's the deal with that?'" I said to him
dryly. Fortunately for me, Lisa started to discuss the party then. The
three of us conveniently forgot the whole Stephen thing.

****************

	"Hey," I heard a familiar voice behind me. I turned around and saw
Sarah and Stephen smiling at me. I was at the bus stop, waiting for a
bus. I was going back to my apartment to take a shower and change before
meeting Josh at the restaurant for dinner.

	"Hey yourself," I grinned at Stephen and Sarah.

            "We were walking back to the dorm but we say you standing here
and Stephen insisted that we say hello," Sarah said to me as she elbowed
Stephen. I saw Stephen blushing a little.

	"I'm happy to see you guys too," I gave them a smile.

	"Stephen told me he spent the night with you," Sarah looked at me
slyly.

	"Sarah!" Stephen said as he elbowed my cousin. Then he looked at me
as his face became flushed. "Sorry."

	"For what?" I was amazed I was this calm. "You did sleep at my
apartment, remember?"

	"Here comes Josh," Sarah said to us as she nodded behind me. I
turned around and saw Josh waving at me. He crossed the street and ran up
to us. He was giving me this huge smile that I found a little creepy

	"Hey!" Josh nodded at Sarah and Stephen as he came to a stop
besides me. To my surprise, he put an arm around my waist and pulled me
close. I turned to face him but he just planted a quick kiss on my lips! "I
hope you are ready for our date tonight,"

	The only thing on my mind then was Stephen. I turned to face him
but I saw that he was staring at Josh and me open-mouthed. He lost the
color on his face and I swear I could see his knuckles turning white.


************
To be continued
************

Note: I hope I can get part 10 posted as soon as possible. It's going to be
the last part of the story. Of course I might get a little lazy and break
it down into two parts so the story might run up to part 11 and not part 10
like I wanted. But I am going to end the story.

Email: sliders21@iname.com