Date: Mon, 4 Jun 2012 06:36:38 -0700 (PDT)
From: Jenny Tian <azulasn@yahoo.com>
Subject: i got a feeling, 6

Two days after Jason and Declan met, Declan came over to my house. He had
his girlfriend in tow since it was the 31st of December. Jason would be
here in about an hour to drive us to his friends house where the party took
place.

I didn't remember seeing the girl and Declan introduced her as Tiffany and
she just giggled as I smiled at her. I rolled my eyes at Declan and he just
grinned. That grin said so much and I chuckled.

"What's funny?" Tiffany asked with big eyes. She had big boobs, blond hair
and a good figure and she looked dumb. I mean, how stereotype was that?
Sadly Declan mostly cared about looks and getting the girls into bed. I
wondered if he would ever settle down. If he ever did it would have to be
one hell of a woman.

"Nothing."

"Oh." She said and giggled.

"Want to eat something?" I asked Declan and he nodded. We went to the
kitchen and I made us sandwiches. Out of politeness I asked Tiffany if she
was hungry too but she declined. Declan and I dug in and the girl excused
herself to refresh her make-up. As if she didn't have enough paint on her
face already.

"What's wrong?" Declan asked me.

"What do you mean?"

"Dude, don't try to hide this from me. Maybe I don't always know when
you're feeling down but I can see that you're not really in the mood to
party."

"No, I'm not. It's just..." I hesitated because I didn't want to ruin his
good mood.

"You know you can tell me anything."

"I know."

"So, tell daddy what's wrong." He said with a big grin.

"Daddy, yeah, sure. Well, it's just that I have a bad feeling."

"How bad?" He asked with a concerned expression.

"Not horrible, you know? Not like when my parents wanted to go on the plane
or when you wanted to climb that tree..." I was referring to the time when
Declan and I were playing in the forest and he really wanted to show me his
climbing skills. He chose a tree but I got a bad feeling and stopped
him. It was then that we saw a nest of wasps up there and I knew that
something would have gone wrong if Declan had climbed that tree. "I just
feel that it will be unpleasant. I'm not really sure."

"We can stay home."

"No. That would be even worse."

"Well, aren't those two wonderful options?" He asked with sarcasm dropping
from his voice.

"Don't let it worry you. It's got nothing to do with you. I think it's
Jason."

"You think he's into drugs or something?"

"I have no idea what will happen. Maybe it won't be that bad. But Jason
doesn't take any drugs. You met him and he does everything to please his
father and I'm pretty sure his father would kill him if he ever caught
him."

"You're right. Well, try to have a good time nevertheless, okay?"

"Of course. It's new year's eve."

"Yeah, drinking, partying, dancing with a girl..." Declan said with a
smile.

"Talking of girl... where the hell did you pick up that... erm, chick?"

He grinned. "She's the sister of one of the girls I dated like a year ago
or so. I'm not sure. We met in a coffee shop and began to talk."

"She was talking? Like really talking?" I asked.

"She can talk alright."

"Whatever." I grumbled.

"Hey, you're just jealous because you don't get laid as often as I do."

"I'm definitely not jealous of the chicks you..."

Tiffany chose that moment to come back and Declan smiled at her. "You look
great." He said and I just rolled my eyes.

We heard Jason's car honking outside around eight o'clock. My parents had
really wanted to meet him but they were invited to friends to celebrate
tonight and already went in the afternoon. Maybe that was good because I
could sense that Jason was in a bad mood. He was trying hard not to let us
see but I knew it right away.

"Are you guys ready to party?" He asked with a smile.

"Absolutely." Declan answered and he and his girlfriend got in the back. I
sat down next to Jason.

"Hey James." He said and started the car.

"Hey Jason. Are you alright?"

"Sure." He said with a shrug.

"Really?"

"Yeah." He looked over at me and then back at the street. "I just had an
argument with my father. But it's nothing. Let's just party and enjoy
tonight, okay?"

I nodded and wondered how much I would enjoy the party. It made me unhappy
to see Jason unhappy. And it made me feel even worse to know that my
feeling was never wrong.

Jason stopped the car in front of a house that was almost as big as their
mansion. I looked back to see Declan and Tiffany making out. "Declan, we're
here." I said and he looked up with a grin. When he saw the house his eyes
widened. "Damn, are all your friends so rich?" He asked Jason. His
girlfriend giggled and I wondered if she had different giggles, you know
like some kind of secret language.

"Some." Jason just said. The house really was impressive and had a big
front yard. Now the trees were all without leaves and looked dead but I
could imagine it looking really beautiful in spring and summer. The house
was a little secluded and as we stepped out from the car we could hear loud
music coming from the inside. I also noticed that the house had a terrace
that had an amazing view of the lake where they would display the fireworks
tonight.

When Jason knocked at the door a girl opened. "Hi Jason." She said with a
charming smile.

"Hi Charlene. These are my friends James and..."

"Come in." She said before he had time to finish introductions. Declan's
girlfriend giggled again, gave Charlene kisses and we followed her
inside. She just pushed us towards the music and then went back to the door
when someone else knocked.

"Charlene and Marc live here. Marc is her older brother and a friend of
ours. They always throw great parties but the best ones are in summer when
we can be outside, they have a huge pool." Jason explained while Declan and
I looked around in the beautiful house. I wondered why their parents
weren't worried about all the expensive vases and pictures getting stolen
or broken. "You can go everywhere except the rooms that are locked. There's
always good music as you can hear, dancing, drinking, whatever you
want. And I can assure you that all the beds will be occupied sometime."

"That's cool." Declan nodded and his girlfriend giggled. I rolled my eyes
but I don't think anyone noticed but I would have bet my life that Declan
and Tiffany would belong to the ones ending up in one of the beds.

We walked by a few more people, Jason greeted some and then he opened the
door to a big room and the music, the heat and the mass of people hit
us. There were already many guys and girls, I could see that most were just
standing around, talking, drinking and not many were dancing yet. But
everyone seemed to have fun. Next to me I felt how Jason began to relax a
little. He had been really tense until now and I hoped that we would have
fun nevertheless.

Declan and Tiffany went off and the next time I saw them they were talking
to some other people. Jason introduced me to some of his friends after we
got something to drink and then he saw Kyle with two other guys. One of
them was Marc, the host. We went over to them and talked a little. The
music was loud but it was still possible to talk if you raised your
voice. It wasn't just music from boxes, there was a DJ but it was like he
was just warming the people up and waited until everyone was feeling a
little more loose, ready to party and then he'd really raise the beat. I
wasn't really a party person but I liked to go out sometimes with Declan
and our friends and wasn't that bad at dancing. So if I hadn't had that
feeling I would probably really look forward to it.

I noticed that Jason was drinking a lot, downing one cup after another and
was a little worried about him but not sure if I should say anything or
not. He seemed to be able to hold his liquor until now and it seemed to
make him feel better. I really wondered what he and his father had fought
about.

The time passed fast and around ten or so the DJ indeed picked up the beat,
turned on the music louder and made everyone dance. Of course it was not
possible for Jason and me to dance together so we agreed to have a good
time and dance with girls. I danced with a girl called Nena and she was
really nice and I had fun. Occasionally I looked over to Jason, we always
met up after half an hour or so. I noticed that he was more drunk every
time and told him not to drink too much.

"Gotta have fun. There's only one new year." He slurred a little but had a
big grin on his face and it was beautiful so I just told him to be careful.

I had to admit that this was a really cool party and I could understand why
so many people were here. They were all becoming more and more drunk, more
happy and everyone was looking forward to midnight when the old year was
over and a new one would begin.

Nena became more and more clingy and pressed her body against mine. I felt
a little sorry for her but then thought that she couldn't really be
interested in me, just my body. I excused myself and walked to a corner
that wasn't as crowded. It was really getting hot in here and I needed some
water. Jason was nowhere to be seen and so I went to look for the
kitchen. It wasn't that hard to find and the clock that hung at the wall
said that it was twenty minutes before midnight. Almost new year.

I took a glass, filled it with some water and as I walked back to the main
party room I saw couples everywhere. I could see couples going upstairs,
definitely to use some of the bedrooms, others were just making out, one
guy was practically humping a girl that was pressed against a wall and let
out moans. I was sure that Declan was probably upstairs with his
girlfriend, doing whatever they did and I really didn't want to picture
it. But all those people, making out, having sex, drinking until they
puked... it made me feel bad for some reason.

So yes, call me a fool or a hopeless romantic but I really wanted my first
time to be with Jason and it should be special. I wasn't really sure what
he was up for, if he'd be repulsed by oral and anal sex but I wanted that,
had dreamed of it and really looked forward to exploring everything with
Jason. I had waited 21 friggin years to meat my soul mate and I was sure
that others probably thought that was crazy, screwed up and
pathetic. Perhaps it was.

But these people... they were just looking to screw someone. I was sure
that most of these couples weren't real couples, that many of them wouldn't
remember this night, that most would have a hangover and wondered if any of
them would regret sleeping with someone they barely knew.

As I walked back to the party room I was just in time to see Marc getting
next to the DJ who quieted the music down.

"Hey guys and girls, I hope you're havin' a good time." He yelled into a
microphone. Everyone cheered and yelled.

"It is now a quarter to twelve and a new year is coming! And because of
that we have prepared champagne for everyone." And as he said that a door
opened and I saw his sister Charlene and another girl pushing in a cart
that had a huge pyramid or champagne glasses and there were many, many
bottles, already open, ready to fill the glasses.

"We're going to fill these glasses now and everyone can take one, at
midnight the gong will sound and we'll clink glasses and a quarter after
twelve there are the fireworks. You can all go outside on the terrace and
watch them. Or..." He made a theatric pause and then got a big grin on his
face. "...you can just continue to party and screw around." This elicited
another cheer from the crowd.

Minutes later everyone went to get a glass of champagne, I got two because
I couldn't see Declan anywhere. And then I felt the pulling in my gut and a
sad feeling overwhelmed me. I wasn't sure what was happening but I glanced
at the clock, 11:53, and went to look for Jason.

I couldn't find him on this floor so I went up the stairs just as Declan
and his girlfriend walked down.

"Hey, are you coming outside?" Declan asked me but then frowned. "Where's
Jason?"

"I'm looking for him." I said with a shrug.

"Upstairs?" He asked, clearly thinking what I did but I didn't want to. It
couldn't be, right?

I shrugged again.

"Should we help you look for him?"

"No, it's alright. Go outside. Less than five minutes until midnight. I'll
meet you there."

"Okay." He said but the frown didn't leave his face.

Upstairs I saw that many doors were half open and I could see couples on
the beds. They didn't seem to care about the fireworks and certainly were
not very modest. A few of them were just making out but as I walked down
the corridor I mostly saw naked, writhing messes on the beds, some on the
floor, some standing. It was a new and weird experience for me since I had
never seen people having sex in real life.

I wasn't sure what I was expecting to see or if Jason was really on this
floor. I just slowly walked down and glanced into the rooms. No
Jason. Stairs again. I climbed them up and saw more rooms. Some were locked
and others were like the ones downstairs. Half open and sounds coming out.

There were more rooms to check and I just glanced into the room, ready to
walk on but then my heart stopped. I just saw the bed, the guy's back and
knew who it belonged to. I could see legs around the guy's waist. They were
slim and had high heels on them.

My foot pushed the door open, both my hands held glasses, filled with
champagne. And then I took a slow step inside, just stood there and saw my
boyfriend making out with some chick.

I probably should have just left but I couldn't move. I felt numb and then
I dropped the glasses, just as I heard the gong and people cheering
outside. It was midnight, it was a new year.

Jason turned his head first and then looked at me with horror, I think. He
got up, pushed the girl out of bed and she fell on the ground.

"James... I... I'm sorry, I..."

"Hey, why're you pu... pushin' me?" The girl slurred and slowly got up,
obviously way too drunk to walk normally.

"Get out, bitch." Jason yelled at her.

She flinched and looked at him with big eyes. "Why're you so... so mean?"
She asked, barely able to get the words out.

"Just get out, will you?" He asked. The girl obliged, stumbled outside and
I was still not moving. I guess I really was shocked to find out my
suspicions were true and it hurt more than I imagined. I wondered why he
did it but I suddenly felt tired, exhausted and wanted to go home, sleep,
forget the whole evening, waking up in the morning to find it was just a
bad dream.

But I couldn't move and just stared at Jason. Why? I asked myself
again. Why was he making out with some girl? My head was in turmoil and I
couldn't really get my thoughts ordered.

"I'm sorry. It's not what you think... I just... you know my father..."
Jason stuttered and I saw his hands trembling.

"I want to go home. I'm tired." I just said. Jason's shoulders went down.

"Can't we talk? Please? I can explain." He said.

"I just... I need some time, need to think."

"Jame... I'm really sorry, you have to believe me."

"Please, drive me home."

His shoulders slumped. "I'll let Kyle drive you home. I drank too much." I
just nodded and he walked to the door. We went outside where everyone was
clinking their glasses and wishing one another a happy new year.

Jason walked to Kyle, said a few words and Kyle nodded. He came over,
smiled at me and led me outside to his car. We got in and Kyle started the
car but didn't say anything.

After a while we could hear the fireworks and I realized that Kyle couldn't
see them because of me.

"I'm sorry." I mumbled.

"It's okay." He just said and gave me a reassuring smile.

"No, really. You should be there with your friends."

"You're also a friend."

I shrugged and then thought of Declan. Shit, I just left without telling
him anything.

Kyle was incredible. He probably saw the look on my face and seemed to know
what I was thinking. For a second I wondered how much he knew.

"I can drive Declan and his... girlfriend home." He said. I had to smile at
the way he said girlfriend.

"You're a good guy." I said.

"Thanks. But you're also very nice. And Jason is a good guy, too even
though he sometimes does stupid things."

I looked at Kyle, not sure how to interpret his words and then just
shrugged. When we arrived at my home Kyle patted my back, wished me a good
night's sleep and then drove off.

My parents were not home yet, of course and probably wouldn't be until two
or three o'clock in the morning. Inside I just walked to my room, got rid
of my clothes and dropped down in my bed.

But even though I felt really exhausted and tired I couldn't fall asleep. I
just kept seeing Jason making out with that girl and wondered why he did
that. Hadn't we agreed to try to try the boyfriend thing? And shouldn't
boyfriends only make out with each other? And it was only so short since we
got together. I kept replaying that scene again and again and again.

And then I thought back to how amazing the kisses with Jason had been and
just when I heard my parents' car pull into the driveway I fell asleep.

==============

The doorbell woke me up the next morning, or afternoon as a look to the
clock told me. I didn't hear who it was, still half asleep but a minute
later I heard the steps on the stair and knew it was Declan. The door
opened and Declan appeared.

"Morning, sleepyhead." He said and smiled at me.

"You woke me up."

"It's already late."

"Why are you awake already? I want to sleep."

"None of that. We're gonna talk. I want to know what happened last night."

I groaned and tried to hide my head under the warm cushion. Declan just
pulled the blanket away, leaving me cold and shivering. "Go take a shower,
then breakfast and when you're awake we talk." He said and I slowly got up
to take my shower. After a long, hot shower I felt more human. Because I
wasn't really hungry we just sat down in my room and talked. He was sad at
how fast trouble was coming and worried about me but I told him I was
alright and Jason and I would probably talk. Declan really was the best
friend anyone could wish for.

I slept much better that night and felt much more relaxed that day. Declan
had work already, I still had that day free and so I just sat around at
home, read a little, watched TV, surfed the net and was really bored. I
actually grabbed my phone a few times, wondering if I should call Jason. Of
course I was still hurt and pissed at him but we had to talk and honestly -
I missed him. I felt really pathetic for that but it was what I felt and I
really wanted to just go into his arms, have him tell me that everything
was okay and that he would never hurt me again.

But I also wondered if he was the unfaithful kind of guy. He hadn't struck
me as a real flirt but catching him with that girl really made me wonder
how much I could trust him. Perhaps he had a good explanation but I
couldn't really believe that.

It was at the evening that I suddenly got this really bad feeling and yes,
it had something to do with Jason. I immediately picked up the phone and
called him.

"James?" He asked with an unsure voice.

"What the fuck were you going to do?" I asked.

"What do you mean?"

"I'm asking you! I just suddenly got this bad feeling that you were going
to do something."

"Oh... I... James, I'm so sorry. Really. There are no excuses for what I
did but I was angry and... and I'm so sorry. I'm going to stop this hiding,
I hated not being able to dance with you. I'm going to tell my dad."

"NO! Absolutely not!"

"But..."

"Jason, now is not a good time. You will make everything much worse."

"I can't hide anymore." He said and it suddenly struck me how different we
were from others. Wasn't it usually the guy that was out who wanted the
closeted guy to come out? And here I was, well, not very out but at least
to a few people, and I was stopping Jason from coming out.

"Jason, there will be a better opportunity. I promise. Not today, maybe not
for days, weeks or months but it will come."

"James..."

"Are you busy?"

"No." He said and I hesitated a little, not very sure if I should meet
him. On one hand I really wanted to but on the other hand I was still
feeling hurt. "Can we talk somewhere?" Jason finally asked.

"Yes. Let's meet at Starbucks."


-----------------------------


I hope you enjoyed chapter six. Let me know what you think.
Best wishes