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I Hate You - Justin's Side
The good things about going to college during the summer semester were smaller classes, sunny days and weekends skating. It also gave me time to write and prepare for the adjustment from living at home to being a college student without the intensity of the Fall Semester. I'd always been a bookworm; my father had to practically kick me out of the house to get me to do anything other than read, write and study. Dad had been a jock; I wasn't what he'd wanted out of a son. My sister was a better son to him than I was; of course, as far as Dad was concerned, he had two daughters. Yeah, my parents knew I was gay. They'd been cool with it, and supported me through my coming out, but I know it was just one more disappointment for my father. When I had a chance to go to college early, I jumped at it.
The only problem with summer semester was the heat. Why I chose a southern college was beyond me. I suppose I was planning on having warmer winters and didn't think about the fact that summers would broil your skin off by noon. Of course, that also meant there were a lot of great looking guys wandering about with their shirts off. I think that's how I fell for Bryan; it wasn't quite love at first sight, we had English class together so we'd already seen each other a lot, but it was definitely infatuation at first stumble.
"Look Out!" It was all I could think to call out as some idiot walked right into the skate-zone while I was taking my turn. He ruined a really good shot at some air. I didn't plow right into him by a combination of his quick reflexes and my nearly throwing myself off the board to keep from hitting him.
He was muttering to himself as I got back to him, shaking his head and brushing himself off. I realized who it was before he looked up. "Hey, Bryan, you ok?"
He looked stunned, and for a moment I was worried. Then he had to hit me with that ironic sense of humor of his. "Damn, Justin." Standing up, he finished brushing off. "I know you like me, but you don't have to plow me into the dirt to get my attention."
I choked. I hadn't planned on being in the closet, but I also hadn't told anyone I was gay. I didn't realize it was that obvious. The worst part was that I did like Bryan. He was tall, handsome, intelligent and really nice. I looked at the ground and turned to go back up to the start of the run. "Yeah, sorry Bryan."
"Hey, how long you going to skate?"
I stopped and checked my watch before shrugging. I really hadn't made any friends yet at school, and I was feeling a little lonely. Being a freshman sucked. "Another half hour I guess. Asphalt will be too hot to do anything after that."
"Some guys are getting together for Frisbee down on the field. Why don't you come down after you're done?" He looked me over like trying to assess if I was up to it.
I blinked. "Really?"
"Yeah, I'll even hang while you finish your freaky shit." He winked.
I don't think I'd ever had a good looking guy wink at me before. It was only friendly, but damn if it didn't curl my toes. I nodded and jogged back up for my next turn. I did better that half hour than I'd done the last two weeks; I think having an audience helped. One thing was for sure; I'd impressed Bryan.
"I just can't believe a bookworm like you can skate like that."
I beamed. I couldn't believe how good it felt to have someone notice. "Dad insisted that I had to be outside doing something 'physical' any day it wasn't raining. I hated team sports so I just rode my board around. After a while, I just got into it."
He laughed and then waved at some guys tossing about a Frisbee absently. "Hey guys, this is Justin."
They all greeted me with smiles. Bryan was apparently quite popular with a diverse set of people, and the addition of a geeky freshman didn't seem to faze them. I thought that was so cool.
Bryan looked at our group for a moment. "Want to do teams?" The affirmative nods went all around, but I was feeling more than a little outclassed. Bryan just smiled and put his hand on my shoulder. "Well, since Just's already shirtless, we'll be skins."
Tony, a dark guy with shoulders about two miles wide, decided he'd go skins since he was shirtless too. Teams were set; I was doomed. Smiling, Bryan handed me the Frisbee and peeled off his shirt. I just stood there, awestruck. Bryan was perfect; tall, dark hair, hazel eyes, wide shoulders and just enough hair on his chest and abs to say "I'm all man". I felt like such a loser; I also had to fight the urge to throw a bone. That would have gone over like a lead balloon.
He laughed and mussed my hair. "Come on, squirt, let's teach these lard-asses that brains and beauty always win over brawn."
I blushed. I couldn't tell if he was teasing me because he knew what I was thinking, or if he was just having a good time. We didn't win; honestly, I suck at team sports. I'm not scared of the ground, getting hurt or looking like an idiot. I just don't seem to coordinate well with others. Bryan didn't seem to care.
In fact, that was when we started hanging together more. We made Saturday morning board and game a ritual. I would skate till the asphalt got unbearable and then we'd head for the fields for a Frisbee or V-ball game. I tried to get him on the board a few times. He sucked at it almost as bad as I did at team sports, but tried to look cool doing it. I suppose it was just as well; he got to spike me into the sand more than a couple times in V-ball. It was kind of like sibling rivalry; to me it felt almost like foreplay. Being with Bryan made me feel special; not the "in the glow of a popular guy" special, but he simply seemed to genuinely like me and went out of his way to make me feel welcome.
Ok, I had a crush on him by the end of the summer. What gay guy wouldn't? It was near the end of the summer session when we got our room assignments I'd gotten placed in one of the older dorms, Brownstone Hall; Bryan said the place sucked. We were having lunch just before exams week when Bryan threw me for a loop.
"Just," he asked between bites of his hotdog, "would you like to room together?"
I thought I was going to choke. I dropped my burger on the plate and took a huge swig of Coke. Blinking back the tears, I coughed. "You mean it?" I couldn't believe a sophomore as popular as Bryan would want a freshman roommate. Not to mention, Stafford Hall was a great place.
"Yeah. My freshmen roommate sucked, and since you didn't sign up for anyone you know you're going to be in a crapshoot for whom you get." He shrugged. "We get along, and there's a chance they'll stick me with some jerk at the last minute. At least with you, I know this year I'll like my roomie."
I smiled; if only he knew how incredible he made me feel. I still couldn't figure out why Bryan liked hanging out with me. He'd never shown any indication that he was gay; if anything, he seemed indifferent to the whole idea of dating and sex. "You don't mind rooming with a freshman?"
Laughing he punched me in the arm. "Nah, you're a geek but you make me laugh!"
Bryan really didn't push me about explaining my family life or anything. He just took me as I was. I don't think I ever told him how important that was to me. I was so overwhelmed with being a freshman, and away from home, that it was great just to have someone who was there for me. It only got better when we moved in. The first really personal question he asked was over a picture. I don't think I was ready to discuss it, but I wasn't going to hide either. Along with the pictures of my parents and sister, I had a picture of my best friend and first love. God I missed him
"Hey, Justin, who's the skater?" He nodded to the picture as I stuffed my socks and underwear into my dresser.
I went over and picked up the picture. My fingers traced it. "That's Matt, Matt Thompson. He was my best friend." Matt had been the guy I'd come out for. It wasn't so much a full blown love affair as it was "friends with benefits." It didn't mean I wasn't missing him.
Bryan cocked his head. "Was?"
I sighed and set the picture down. "Yeah. He was a year ahead of me in school so I haven't seen him in over a year." Shrugging, I grabbed some shorts and opened a drawer. "We still email, but he went to school up north. Since I started University in the summer, I haven't seen him since Christmas Break."
"That's less than a year." He smirked and tried to keep the mood light, but it didn't work.
"Yeah, but he'd met someone and all he could do was think and talk about 'love'." I know I sounded bitter as I stuffed my shorts in the drawer. "I'm happy for him, but it felt like I wasn't even there."
I was just standing there, feeling sorry for myself, when he draped his arm over my shoulders and mussed my hair. "Well, you've got me now. I won't be graduating and leaving you behind."
I don't think he had any idea what that meant to me. Bryan always seemed to know what to do to make me feel great. "You're the greatest, Bryan."
He laughed and went back to his unpacking. "Yeah, it's hard to be perfect, but someone has to do it."
Bryan really helped me come out of my shell during the semester. I would normally just eat, do classes, go to the library, and return to the dorm room. Bryan would have nothing of it. If I didn't do something social at least three or four times a week, he was on my case. It was like having my own social director.
Don't get the wrong impression of Bryan. He was even more dedicated to his studies than I was. His studies, however, involved relating with people; he was a thespian, and that meant being able to shine in a crowd. Oh boy did he ever. To keep him from driving me nuts about being someplace other than the room or the library, I started doing some of my studies during his rehearsals. It was cool, actually, and a hell of a lot of fun. It was like having TV playing in the background, but the TV had no commercials.
One thing I did notice was that nearly everyone flirted with Bryan. I do mean everyone. The guys, the girls, the teachers; they all found him irresistible. The weird thing was, Bryan noticed and played back a little, but he simply wasn't interested. How a guy who was a walking wet dream could avoid all the opportunities being thrown at him was mind boggling. I knew if I'd had people hot after me like that, I'd have been set. Sometimes, when someone would make a pass at him, he'd look at me with a "can you believe this shit" roll of his eyes and a whimsical smile.
Bryan knew he was good looking; he just didn't seem to care. He treated his looks like a set of clothes or the size of his shoes; they were what they were, and he would use them if needed and keep them in good condition when he wasn't using them. At the moment, he wasn't using them. That made him all the sexier, because good looking guys who don't flaunt it are really hot. I wasn't the only one who thought that way.
We were kicking back, looking at the autumn leaves after a game of Frisbee, when I just had to know. "You don't date."
He laughed. "No time."
Was that an evasion, or was it that he really just didn't care? I was trying to figure him out when he grabbed me around the neck and made me laugh by nuggying me. I made half-hearted attempts to get away, but I really did like having him rough house with me. "How can I have time for dating with you around? You're such an attention hound!"
I pulled out of his hold and stuck my tongue out at him. Yeah I know; really mature. I was blushing, and studied my toes for a second before smiling. "Ok."
We were best friends, but everything Bryan did had me believing that maybe we were something more
I really enjoyed school. I love study and research. I also had an easy time explaining things in ways others understood. I planned to go for my Masters and possibly a Doctorate, and then try my hand at teaching writing. I had only one problem; exams. I always froze during exams. Maybe it was a phobia, or a neurotic fear of failure, but the moment a test was under my nose I would forget everything. I'd survived mid-terms with only a minor panic attack; finals were an entirely different thing. If it hadn't been for Bryan, I wouldn't have survived it.
I'd been frantically searching my notes for my Philosophy exam forever. After another complete disassembly of my notebook, Bryan finally tossed down his text and snapped at me. "Justin, chill out! You're driving me nuts."
I knew I was losing it, but like a lemming running for the cliff I couldn't seem to stop. "I'm sorry, Bryan. I'm so fucked up."
He came over and massaged my neck. God his fingers felt good. All I wanted to do was lean into him and have him take me away from it all for a while. "All you need is a good night's rest, bud. You've been drinking Coke like water and falling asleep at the desk for days. You're going to be fried by finals."
I bowed my head and nodded. "Yeah. I've always been like this. I used to drive my parents nuts."
"So, how'd they deal with it?"
He dug into one of the knots in my shoulder and I moaned. I hadn't wanted to tell him, but it just slipped out. "It was really stupid."
I swallowed. "How Mom dealt with me." I shrugged off his hands and stood up. "Thanks, Bryan." I was so embarrassed.
"You didn't tell me what she did." He smirked. "How can I help my bro out if I don't know what to do?"
"Drop it; it doesn't matter." He already knew I was gay. I didn't need to let him know I was a wimpy little mama's boy too.
He reached out and mussed my hair. "Come on, Just. What?"
I couldn't meet his eyes. "Mom used to hold me and sing me to sleep when it got bad."
I waited for him to laugh at me; I know I'd have laughed at me. What college aged guy needs to be sung to sleep when he's stressed? Instead, his reaction was anticlimactic. "Oh."
I blinked at him. "Oh? I'm a fucking wimp and all you can say is 'oh'?" I was trembling.
"It's weird, but I accepted you're weird when we became friends." I wanted him to hold me. I wanted him to tell me I wasn't a loser. He didn't do either. "I'm just trying to figure out how to get your Mom up here to help."
Oops, he hit the shiny red button; I blew. "Oh, fuck you! I don't need my Mommy to kiss away my booboos!" I grabbed for my stuff and tried to get to the door.
"Hey!" He grabbed my arm. "I didn't mean it that way."
I panicked. It was irrational and completely nuts, but I fought him. Of all the people I didn't want to freak out on, Bryan was the one I never wanted to do it with; so much for what I wanted. My books went everywhere as the struggle overturned my book bag. Landing on my bed, he held me to him and didn't let go till I stopped fighting.
I started crying into his shirt. I was so ashamed. "I'm sorry, Bryan." I couldn't stop shaking. I'd never let anyone know what I'd just told Bryan; even my Dad didn't know. It was my secret, my shame, and now it was out. I couldn't look at him; I knew he must have thought I was such a loser.
He didn't say anything about it. He just looked at the clock and was so kind and patient. "Let's get some rest, Just. I don't think either of us could study any more tonight."
He let me go and stood up. I nodded absently and got off the bed. We stripped down to our boxers and took turns brushing and using the toilet. When I got back into the room, Bryan pulled back the sheets and climbed into my bed.
I just blinked at him; my brain was burned out. "Bryan, what are you doing?"
"You're Mom's not here; I thought I'd help my little bro' out."
I looked down at my feet. For a moment his eyes seemed to beg me not to argue. I just couldn't understand why he'd go to all the trouble. "You don't have to..."
"Oh shut up and get in." He snapped at me, but when I looked up he had a grin on his face. "I'm not going to threaten your virtue!"
I laughed. "Not that I could stop you if you tried."
"Yeah, I could have had you any time I wanted; I'm such a stud. Now get in here before I change my mind." He didn't know how true that was. All he'd have to do was ask; I'd have done anything he wanted.
I got in, and he reached across me to turn off the desk lamp. I waited, holding my breath, and tried not to get excited. I had one of the hottest guys in the theater program, nearly naked, in my bed. Finally he just wrapped his arm around me and pulled me to him. We were spooning. Matt and I had done that a few times, and it was my favorite position. I couldn't ignore the bulge pressed against my ass; he wasn't hard, but he wasn't completely flaccid either. I started to wonder if he wanted me to do anything.
Before I could decide, he started to hum. It was a soft, relaxing tune, and I realized in addition to everything else, Bryan had a great singing voice. I melted, and just sank against him. He had me; we both knew it. I murmured, "I love you," under my breath, and my body trembled for a moment before I fell asleep. That was the first thing I thought when I woke up. I'd told him the truth, but I hadn't been awake to know how he'd reacted to it.
The long, hard part of him that was pressing against my butt led me to believe he didn't object to being there. I certainly wasn't objecting. I'd had enough toss-off fantasies of Bryan while I was in the shower that I knew exactly what I wanted to do. The problem was that his hold was a bit too secure for me to move much. I had to content myself with rubbing my ass against his shaft. I moaned a little when he pulled me in a bit tighter and started to nuzzle my neck. He wasn't awake, but I didn't care. One of his hands was petting me as I ground against him. It wasn't long before he was wedged completely between my cheeks while rubbing his chin along my jaw and ear. I wished he was awake; I wanted Bryan to push me down on the bed and fuck me. I didn't last long enough; just the feel of him against me, with his morning stubble rubbing against my ear, had me trembling as I bit my lower lip to keep from crying out. My boxers were soaked.
Bryan continued to caress me for a little bit, but then he just stilled and held me to him. He hadn't woken up, and I was beginning to feel guilty. I had no real idea if he was interested, and I'd just used him as a sex toy. It took a little doing, but I got out of bed and into the bathroom without waking him. I felt so dirty. I couldn't look at him when I got back in; he'd woken up while I was in the bathroom changing my soiled pants. "Morning."
He got out of bed, reached out and mussed my hair like nothing had happened. "Feeling better?"
"Yeah, thanks." I rummaged around, picking up my books while Bryan went to the bathroom. He came out wearing nothing. That wasn't unusual, but this time it meant something more to me. I'd had that body against me all night; I'd shot my wad with him caressing me in his sleep. My eyes followed him as he went back to his bed and flopped down. Suddenly, I was scared. "Are you ok with me?"
He blinked. "Sure, we're cool." After a moment, Bryan smiled at the ceiling. "It was kind of nice. I've never sung someone to sleep before."
I felt like jumping for joy; I was so happy. We were ok; no, we were more than ok. The way he smiled and the undertone in his voice were so warm. I just knew he must have felt something.
Finals came and went without a hitch. Thanks to my god of a roommate, I was able to handle it without a nervous breakdown. I was in love, and I knew it. Bryan and I were having our breakfast ritual; Starbucks coffees, muffins and fruit out in the park. It was cold but we didn't care. We'd started it last summer and had no intention of stopping. We were both packed for the holidays and would be heading home to our families for Christmas.
He raised his coffee to me with a smile. "To a semester survived!"
I laughed and raised my cup. "To not freaking out during exams."
His smile broadened. God I was so gone on him. That still didn't prepare me for what he said next. "I think we should start dating next semester."
Coffee spewed everywhere as I tried not to choke. I gasped a few times and stared at him. "What?"
He shrugged. "You know, girls, dating? I think we're becoming hermits. Maybe we need some more social outlets, you know?"
My world went from Technicolor to muted greys in the span of a few short words. It took everything I had not to cry; I'd been wrong, and it hurt like hell. I looked at my cup and shrugged. "Yeah, sure."
He draped his arm across my shoulders and gave me a quick hug. "It'll be great, Just. You'll see." Maybe for him; I was determined not to bother.
I had no idea what to do. I didn't want to move out, but I also knew I'd fuck up if I had to spend too much time around Bryan. I added another course when I got back; it put me in academic overload, but it also kept me too busy to think about Bryan. Ok, that wasn't true. I thought about Bryan constantly. One night in his arms; a basically platonic experience, at least on his part, and I just couldn't get it out of my head.
It didn't help that he just kept getting better looking. At times I almost hated him. He seemed to unconsciously do everything short of rubbing himself against me to keep me in a perpetual state of frustration. He was standing in front of his dresser, naked as usual, when I couldn't help but stop what I was doing and remember what he'd felt like. I wanted to take that long, soft, inviting meat that he kept on display and show him how much I appreciated the view. I was practically drooling over my need to taste it.
He caught me staring and he grinned at me. God I hated that; it was almost a "come hither" look. I wasn't his bitch; even if I wanted to be. I frowned. "Why do you do that?"
He looked bewildered. "Do what?"
Maybe I should have told him, but I chickened out. "Wander around nude all the time." I rolled over and tried to ignore his naked body.
I swear he sounded disappointed, or maybe a little hurt. "I didn't know it bothered you."
He didn't know it bothered me? Of course it didn't bother me; it drove me nuts. I spent half my time trying not to drop to my knees and worship him. I tried to toss the comment aside. "Did I say it bothered me? I was just curious."
"Never thought about it, really, you rather I keep the towel on?"
I shut my book and jerked off the bed. I was getting pissed "Why the fuck should I care what you wear, Bryan?" I grabbed my textbook and board. "I'm gonna hit the library." I got out the door before he could make matters worse. Little did I know that in a few hours it would get much worse.
Bryan came bursting into the room like the winner of the tri-state lottery. Behind him he was dragging a pretty girl from Campus Theater. Her name was Tina. I'd seen her a few times and she was a really good actress; she was also as good looking as Bryan. For a few moments, I was amused and caught up in Bryan's enthusiasm. "Justin, I got the part!"
"Which one, you only rehearsed a half dozen?"
"Romeo!" He stepped back and gestured to Tina. "This is Tina; she's Juliet."
I felt my stomach tighten and I knew I must have been turning green with envy. At that moment, I hated Tina. "You'll make a great pair."
"We're going to have to rehearse a lot; we've only got a month." He couldn't seem wait to get going.
Neither could I; I was feeling sick. I nodded and tucked my laptop into my backpack. "I've got some research. You guys can use the room."
His face fell. I knew he was excited and wanting to share; if I wasn't looking my primary rival in the face, I might have been able to share. Instead, I just rained on his parade and headed for the door. "Ok." I was almost out the door before he asked, "See you at dinner?"
I paused; his eyes were pleading. I guess I was being hard on him for things that weren't his fault. He'd still been the same Bryan I'd fallen for. He continued to treat me like gold, even when I actively put up barriers and made distance. I was shutting him out, and I didn't have the guts to tell him why. "Yeah, sure, I've got to eat anyway. Thanks."
He finally cornered me at dinner. "Ok, Justin, what gives? Last semester you didn't mind when I rehearsed in the room."
I frowned. "Well, last semester I wasn't taking twenty one credits."
He shrugged. "Granted, but that hurt when you just walked out like that. I thought you'd be happy for me."
Stabbing at my mashed potatoes, I sighed. "I am, but look at it from my point of view; Romeo & Juliet is a romance." I couldn't get more obvious than that.
"So?" He sounded genuinely confused; he couldn't possibly have been that clueless.
I couldn't face the idea that he couldn't see how I felt; I looked at him anyway, but it hurt. "It'd feel like I'm the third guy on a date, Bryan. I know it's just a play, but you guys are going to be declaring your love, kissing and stuff." I shrugged and looked at my plate again. He didn't get it; I could see that in his eyes. I lied. "It'd be too distracting."
"It's not like I'm dating Tina or anything, Just. It's just acting."
I shrugged; it didn't matter, and I saw no point in bringing it up now. "I know. Let's drop it, ok?"
He sighed and let it go. "Ok."
I gave them the space they needed. I know it bothered Bryan, but I just couldn't face it. I tried a couple times, but I could see the connection growing. The chemistry was almost explosive and I knew it was only a matter of time. I could see them, years from then, as one of the "hot couples" of the theater or Hollywood. Even so, I wasn't prepared for seeing it first hand.
Through it all, I kept fighting with the conflicted signals I got from Bryan. He would act like we were just friends, but every so often he would do something that said it was more. Those little things: the unexpected neck massages, the smiles and warm looks when he didn't think I was looking, they all kept my hope alive.
I was too caught up in what I was thinking to notice the odd sounds coming from the room as I unlocked the door and walked in. I just stood there, staring, as Bryan's sweat covered body flexed against Tina. I knew we weren't in that kind of relationship, but having it presented in no uncertain terms took the wind out of me. I couldn't even say anything as Bryan scrambled out of the bed. That only made it worse. I finally got to see what I'd been dreaming about for months; he was naked, flush, glistening with sweat, panting from exertion, and hard as a rock. I lost it.
Bryan grabbed my arm as I tried to run out the door. This time I wasn't going to be restrained. "Justin, wait!"
He flinched as I glared at him. He let go. I hissed at him through my tears before I slammed the door on our friendship. "I hate you." I don't think I've ever regretted anything so much as that in my whole life. I didn't hate him; I never could. That was what made it hurt so much more.
I don't know how long I wandered around aimlessly. I finally ended up at Jeff's room. He was my best friend after Bryan, and he knew all about how I felt. He'd warned me not to fall for a straight guy. He'd been there himself and had honestly tried to divert disaster. I hadn't listened. He held me as I cried myself out, and then suggested it might be best if I just spent the last few weeks before exams with him. His roommate had graduated in December, and he had the room to himself.
When I got back to the room, Bryan was sitting on his bed looking miserable; he hadn't even put on any clothes. I didn't say anything; I couldn't. I just pulled out a bag from under my bed and started putting some clothes in it. He stared at me. "What are you doing?"
I shrugged; I couldn't look at him. "Jeff said I could room with him till the end of the semester."
"Why?" He choked it out, and the pain in his voice forced me to look. He was crying, and it was contagious. "I thought we were friends."
All I felt was defeated. Even with all the pain he still didn't get it. "I guess that's all we were, Bryan. It's not your fault I thought it was more." I turned back to my bed and finished stuffing what I needed into the bag.
"Do you really hate me?"
It felt as if he'd slapped me. I couldn't even say it; it hurt too much to know that with everything that'd happened he just never saw me the way I was. I couldn't break my eyes from his as he stood up and crossed the gap between our beds. Just being that close to him had me trembling. His hands bracketed my face and he studied me for a few moments. It was as if he were looking at me for the first time. He bent down and kissed me.
I whimpered as he pulled back. My reality had just been turned upside down and I wasn't ready. "Bryan..." He put his finger to my lips. His eyes begged me not to end the moment. I didn't.
When he kissed me again, I gave way. I could feel him hardening between us and the way he kissed me was too real to deny. I didn't care if it was only for one night; I needed it. Then it happened. It was like a circuit had been thrown and suddenly we understood each other.
We didn't even do much more than some oral work and exploring each other with our hands before we blew. It was the most intense orgasm I'd ever had. I almost blacked out as I struggled to keep from screaming. Bryan followed me moments later, and I knew he wasn't acting. No one was that good an actor. I fell asleep, spooned against Bryan with his dripping need between my cheeks. My body trembled again, just before I fell asleep. I was where I was supposed to be, and my body knew it.
I woke like I had back in December, but this time Bryan's hard-on was wedged against my ass without my having to do anything. In fact, Bryan was slowly working his shaft back and forth with slow, small motions as he kissed my neck. I sighed as I pressed back against him. He was awake.
His movements stopped, but he held me tighter to him. "I'm sorry, Just. I'm sorry I kept you waiting so long."
"It's ok." I was smiling, but there was still a small pit in my stomach. "I love you, Bryan." I kept my eyes closed and prayed he wouldn't freak.
He didn't. His fingers brushed my chin and tilted me up so he could kiss me. "I know..." When I opened my eyes, he grinned at me. "I hate you too."
For a moment, the words jarred me, but then I realized what he meant. The words didn't matter; what mattered was what emotion they carried. I'd screamed them at him, but we both knew what I'd really meant. Through all the pain and frustration, I was still telling him I loved him. He finally understood. I smiled, and I knew we had a game we'd be playing for a long time. "You know what I'd hate?"
He nuzzled me again and I felt him flex against my ass. "No, but I'm hating this."
I sighed. "I'd hate it more if you were to finish what you've been doing all morning. I'd hate that a lot."
Bryan slowly pressed me down onto the mattress, his cock never leaving my cleft as his full weight settled onto my back. "You'd hate that huh?"
I bit my lip as he rocked against me. He was dripping so much that I knew we didn't need any lube. "Yeah," I gasped, "I'd really hate that."
Matt had proven I was a consummate bottom. It wasn't that I wouldn't top, but I just really got off having a man in me. Matt had been a bit longer than Bryan, but Bryan was thicker and had a nice size head. He rubbed himself against my hole, pressing in a little and pulling back. I was panting by the time he felt I was moist enough to venture in.
I gasped as my ring gripped around his shaft after he pressed in. Oh God he felt good. Bryan moaned. We didn't say anything else as he slowly claimed me. Honestly, I think we claimed each other. I had no idea how long he stayed above me, supported on his arms while he slowly slid in and out of me. All I knew was each stroke sent me further and further from the loneliness and frustration I'd been living with since December. When I came, I whimpered out his name before shuddering into the sheets. I must have really clamped down on Bryan because he didn't get more than three strokes further before he bent forward, shaking, and bit into my neck to muffle his cry.
Bryan sank down against me as his trembling subsided. I was deliriously sated. Then he did the only thing that could make the moment even better. He chewed softly on my ear and whispered, "God, I love you, Just."
We missed our morning classes. I didn't care. Bryan made love to me three times that morning. The wall was gone, and the warm looks and smiles he gave me meant so much more. That night, while lying in his arms, I asked him about Tina. He said he'd deal with it.
He did. I came face to face with Tina the next day between classes, and I didn't know what to do. She just leaned in, kissed me on the cheek, and said, "You two make such a great couple." We had dinner, and she explained how it had happened, and how guilty she felt. She was between boyfriends, but she honestly hadn't been after Bryan. Now that they both knew the state of things, she knew it would never happen again. Honestly, I believed her.
Over the week we discussed us, our dreams, and the fact that neither of us wanted to give up our relationship. I still couldn't believe Bryan loved me, but he said that looking back, he'd fallen in love when I'd plowed him down on my skateboard. He only asked me to do one thing; he hated my glasses. Lucky for him; I had contacts, I just never wore them. I called home and had Mom ship them to me. I planned to surprise Bryan for the opening night. As we got closer to the first performance, I got nervous. The one thing we hadn't discussed was whether or not we were going to be "out".
Bryan just smiled and hugged me when I asked. I wanted a definitive answer, but all he would say was, "Just let what happens, happen."
I had to blink though the tears as I watched Bryan and Tina take their bows. Part of the reason was I wasn't used to the contacts; the other was that the performance really was that good. They had such a connection on stage that to anyone watching it the romance went further than the roles. Of course, only a week ago I believed that too. Seeing his eyes immediately search for me the moment the curtain was down and Tina had danced off to the dressing room made it clear that was not the case. Tina and Bryan did have a connection, a strong one, but Romeo was looking for someone other than Juliet.
I had to stay tense to keep from throwing myself at him as he saw me and made his way off stage. Bryan was just that hot; most of the girls and nearly all the gay guys were lusting for him. Honestly, it was intimidating to be there. We'd only been officially together for a week, and I still wasn't certain it was real.
"What'd you think?" The way his eyes laughed and his lips curled with mirth, I knew he was faking. He liked playing with me this way. I didn't mind; it was a reminder of how close we'd come to ending and what it'd taken to get where we were. Of course, I'd always over-analyzed everything. Bryan was all about the experience; I was all reasons why.
My lips curled into a grin as I looked into his eyes. He liked what he saw; I'd put away my "practical" eyewear for the sting and inconvenience of my contacts. He was worth it. He could just melt me; the way his eyes burned as he looked into mine made my heart beat faster. "I hated you in that scene."
I stiffened for a second as his arm snaked around me. Then I just let go and let him pull me in. Every time he held me I'd tremble; it was like my body was recalibrating itself or something. What ever it was, he's the only one who ever did that to me. If you've never had a beautiful, strong man pull you up against him and nuzzle your neck in front of God and creation, then you haven't lived. He kissed his way back to my lips lightly before pulling back and smiled. "Yeah, I know, I hate you too."
I didn't need the words; not any more. Everything he did, or said, told me what I needed to hear. I love you. It was easy to understand once you knew the language.