Date: Mon, 13 Nov 2000 06:22:05 EST From: SLK2308888@aol.com Subject: I Wanna Be With You Ch. 5 General Announcements~ Hey everyone, I know this is SOOO unbelievably late and I'm sorry for those who've been waiting for more. I've been super busy with life in general, trying to figure out life's little mysteries I guess (For those of you who don't have your B.S. translators handy, basically I'm a lazy ass). Thanks to the people who have influenced this story in some way shape or form. This story is entirely fictional, the characters represented in the story are merely fictitious ones who have been influenced by people that I know or experiences I've had. Superficial arrogant comments made by the main character are not the views of the author (OK maybe half of the time but you shut up its my story damnit!). If you're under 18 or 21 in some states, you shouldn't be here (SCRAM before I make you take my O Chem Final, now that's a fate worse than death!) If your 18 and older (cute, funny, and know the answers to the above mentioned O Chem Final email me! lol) go ahead and read! Enjoy the story! Any questions/comment/suggestions can be sent to SLK2308888@aol.com with the subject heading of ~I Wanna Be With You~. Stick a fork in me . . . Cause I am DONE! = )~ ------------------- I Wanna Be With You By Rick ------------------- Chapter 5: Object of my Affection We drove off with no clue of where we were going or where we were headed. Like automatons we stared intently at the road. At this point in time I was manually telling myself to breathe, to think about these conflicting signals I was getting and undoubtedly giving back. Here I was in the prime of my life! I was going to be somebody, make a difference in this world, and well lets face it with my looks and my oh so beautiful car where could I have gone wrong? I couldn't force myself to see it, to turn my head and look . . . at him. I was a coward, too afraid of entertaining the idea that maybe, just maybe my soul mate was a guy. But did that mean I was ready to go out and join a parade? Did I care about him enough to step out on a limb, hell the damn Grand Canyon, and admit to him and myself that I was feeling something? The more I questioned the more the feeling of vertigo set in. What had I done to deserve this almost life shattering change in my life. Was this so called "God" somehow punishing me for questioning religion so much that I once made my Catechism teacher cry in frustration. If that was the case I guess she was right, he/she/it is a vengeful god. She obviously didn't "pray for my soul" enough apparently for I was in way over my head. Its hard to describe exactly what I felt but in any case there's this certain section in The Bell Jar, by Sylvia Plath, where she uses a metaphor of a fig tree. She looks up at this magnificent tree and sees branches and branches filled with delicious figs. (Well I personally don't care for them but hey that's my opinion), in any case, she knows that she can only pick a single solitary fig. The rest will fall to the ground, whither and die. Those figs were a metaphor for the infinite possibilities of her futures, each being perfect like all the rest, yet she knew that if she just chose one she wouldn't be able to choose any of the rest. OK, well leave it to me to reference a goddamn book but in any case I now understood how she felt in her position. Do I reach for Jase, a very wonderful and caring person, or do I reach for the fig next to it containing the house, wife and 2.5 kids. Do I pick the successful practice where I'm respected by my peers and my patients or be the one others feel uncomfortable around and have rumors spread about him. Whatever the choice may be there could be no going back, and as I tried to decide the fig I wanted they all begin shrink away and die. I was at a stalemate; do I go with the synaptic firings of my neurons or go with the pitter-patter of my four chambered heart? "What the hell is wrong with me?" I thought to myself. He was driving me nuts, I can't concentrate, I can't think, this is crazy! Well like talking to yourself is any less crazy but damn I'm desperate. The squeal of breaks ended the utter silence; I looked up and noticed we were parked in some lot near an abandoned playground. Jase just sat there his hands still holding on to the steering wheel like it was his only grasp at reality. He just stared off into space. He seemed to have the same bewildered look as I did, as if we were both trying to find out what to say to salvage our friendship. But apparently that requires speaking to one another of which neither of us wanted to initiate whatsoever. All I could do was just sit there like a jackass and watch his knuckles turn white as he kept tightening his grip on to the steering wheel. "Jase" I finally choked out, he slowly turned his head at me with the deer caught in the headlights kind of look, which truthfully kind of made me want to laugh so I kind of felt more relaxed. "Dude, you need to calm down," I tell him as I grab his arm and try to pry his vice-like grip off the wheel. Every fiber in his body tenses as I feel this jolt of electricity as skin comes into contact with skin. Prickly heat rushes through me, and as desperately as I try to fight it I can feel myself blushing like some schoolgirl. "Jase," I try to begin again, "I . . . I think we need to talk about . . . about things between you and me." "Patrick . . . I know what you're going to say so let me speak first," Jase finally spoke out. "OK," I nodded. "We've been friends for a few weeks now right, and ummm . . . I guess we've gotten to be close. Close enough that I feel you deserve the truth . . . I like you, in fact I like you a lot . . ." he stated nervously, which was so god damn cute and endearing. "But . . . I also know there's no chance of that happening so don't think I'm going to be putting the moves on you or anything . . . I'll, I'll try to keep the physical touching to a minimum, I sense you feel kind of embarrassed around me when I touch you," he confided. "Jase, that's not what I was going to say," I argue. "I . . . I think I have feelings for you too . . ." I state nervously. Jase took a double take at me before looking out the window. "You're just confused," he finally stated whimsically, smiling nervously at me. "You just think you're having feelings for me because we've been hanging out with each other so much." "I don't think so Jase, it's a lot more than that," I sigh. "Dude, you're so not!" he proclaimed vehemently. "How do you know?" I question back with frustration. "Because . . . because man I don't know . . . but you're not. Its that 'I think my friend is so cool, I wonder what it'd be like . . .' phase. You don't want to be gay Patrick, take it from me, I wouldn't be gay if I had a choice, that's for sure." "I can't stop thinking about you man," I sigh, "if this is just some phase why do I want to kiss you so badly it hurts?" "Is that what it would take for you to get it out of your system?" Jase seriously asked. "Well . . ." I choked. Tell him to kiss you, you fool! "I . . . I guess I would know what I'm feeling for you." "Fine!" he huffed, before giving me a hasty peck on the cheek. "Turn back into a frog for all I care." "Jase, please?" I implore. "If I'm going to get this out of my system I have to know what it feels like for real." "This . . . this isn't a good idea Patrick. You're not ready for this and I sure as all hell don't want to face the consequences. If something happens to our friendship . . . I would just . . . just be sad, the risks outweigh the benefits." God, you would think the guy was some sort of analyst now. By this time I was past my initial shyness about the subject. Well shit I just told him I liked him the least he could do was kiss me! Why the hell would he NOT want to kiss me, I had money, I was smart, funny, cute and handsome. "Damnit I'm a catch!" he should be honored that I even have feelings for him. "Jase," I whisper, "tell me you don't want to kiss me and we can go back to being friends." OK, OK so I was coercing a kiss out of him but you shut up! I'm desperate here; the guy is making me lose my much-needed beauty sleep. "You know I can't tell you that dude," he muttered. "Then you know what you have to do," I state with a smirk as I slowly move closer to him. I can see him fighting with himself internally, deciding the best course of action, but I know in my heart this feeling can't be denied. "Patrick," he whimpers and I see in his eyes that he's lost and scared. "Please Jase," I ask desperately, "I need to know . . .." This is my chance and I have to take it. To hell with morals and ethics, if I don't take this moment now this fantasy of him will gnaw away at me. I lean in closer and I can hear my heart beating in my own ears. He's still nervous but he's not stopping me. I'm mere inches from his face my eyes subconsciously close at their own accord and finally, after fruitless longing, our lips touch. How could I possibly describe it? Soft. Sweet. Beautiful. I could feel my breath catch as we kissed. It's so hard for me to explain without reveling in the ecstasy of it all. It was everything I had hoped and dreaded it would be yet to describe it by words would not do it justice. Like the definition of love, there isn't a single concrete definition to all that goes into it. I don't know how long it lasted, nor do I care, all I know is that it changed me. It marked me as his forever and always. As we finally broke away I felt myself flushed with heat and panting for breath. My lips tingled as they tried to memorize each and every aspect of that kiss to memory. "Well?" I slowly open my eyes to see him staring right at me. "What do you think?" I pant out. "Told you so, come on lets get back to the school before it gets too late," he replies with a smirk. "WHAT?!?!?!?" I mentally erupt inside. Is he kidding me? Didn't he feel anything? That was nothing? I only saw my life flashing before me and he didn't think it was anything? As he drove us home, the whole ordeal was eating away at me. I can't believe he didn't feel a thing when I basically had the equivalent of a mind orgasm. Then I began to think of WHY he didn't feel anything and that basically put the blame on me. Clearly I was not his type, or I wasn't good enough for him, not smart enough, not beautiful enough, not special enough for him to feel the spine tingles I felt. I couldn't even blame him, I was the stupid one annoyingly pushing for us to kiss, so sure that anyone would want me. I clearly wasn't taking the rejection well as we had come to a complete stop without my notice. "Well . . .." "Yes, 'Well' you fucker, I can't believe I felt something and you didn't." I fumed mentally. "I'm glad we got this all sorted out, now we can just go back to being good friends right?" he asks with a huge smile plastered on his face. Don't make this a big deal. Don't show him your body's aching for another kiss. Don't show him he just crushed you with his nonchalance. Don't show him he means the world to you. Smile. "Me too . . .." I manage to say. "So I'll see you at school tomorrow then?" he inquires as he steps out of the car. I slowly get out of the passenger side to drive my car home. "Sure, tomorrow . . ." I mutter visibly shaking as I feel myself on the verge of breaking down. "All right bro, I'll meet you for lunch at the commons then," he replies hastily as he gives me one of those "brotherly" hugs. I'm dying, god why does he have to torture me so. So close to my heart yet I'm the furthest thing from his, why is this happening to me. I have no energy to reciprocate any sort of a hug. A part of me wants him to know how much this is killing me but what would that accomplish? He'd still be feeling nothing and I would be falling for someone who couldn't reciprocate those feelings the way I wanted him to. "Bye guy," he whispers as he slips from my grasps and runs into his apartment complex. I watch as he disappears into the darkness, taking with him my better self, my heart, my happiness. To Be Continued?????? I know it was short, and you waited this long I'm an ass, sorry. Write to me at SLK2308888@aol.com and praise, critique, vent, chat, whatever. Make a mental note that I go a lot faster with adoring fans begging for more (well not really but I love talking to you guys).