Date: Thu, 15 Sep 2005 18:28:26 +0000 From: Steve Thomas Subject: Jamey is Gay, ch. 15 This is a work of pure fiction, but based on the author's feelings, beliefs, and in some cases, experience. Come to think of it -- it might not be very pure either! There may be graphic sexual encounters at times between men, so if this offends you, you are invited to retreat. If you are too young or it is otherwise illegal for you to be reading this kind if story, shame on you for reading it - - please stop here. If not, - - ENJOY! Cast of Characters: James Thomas Arthur (Jamey) Harold Brian Arthur -- Jamey's Brother (Habby) Harold Garfield Arthur -- Jamey's dad William Pitts -- Roommate (Will) Ronny -- Will's best friend. George Wiggins Darrel -- George's roommate Dr. Steve Jordan -- Doctor Grant (Buddy) Windward -- Waiter at Holdren's John -- Neighbor across the hall. Jerry -- John's roomie From Chapter 14: John was sitting on the couch in the common area. Hi!" I said. He looked up with very tired eyes. "Hi." "You okay?" "Sort of." "What's wrong?" I said, clearly seeing that he was NOT okay. "I -- um -- I heard you guys last night -- and then again this morning. I had to come down here." His eyes looked terrible. "I guess there's not much chance for me, huh?" His face looked so hurt, but his eyes were dry. I sat down and took his hand in mine. "John - -" I started. Chapter 15 I was at a loss for words -- for the umpteenth time today. And it was still morning! He rescued me -- sort of: "I know I don't have any claim on you." He said. "It's just that -- well -- I've never felt -- this way -- about anyone before. And -- it's really confusing to me." I looked at my watch. He continued, "Oh, you probably have a class, don't you? You better go. I -- I'll work this out." I did some quick thinking and calculating in my head. "No. I can miss that class. I think I owe that much to you." "No, you can't do that! We can talk later." He objected. I strengthened my hand on his and got up. Someone else came in to the room, so I made as if shaking his had, but I said quietly, as I let it go. "I'm going back up to my room. If you want to talk, I'll be there." And I left the common area and went back to my room. He followed. Once in the room, he said, "Jamey -- you should go to class." "I HATE being late to class. Besides, I'd rather talk to you." "You're too much!" "John, I am confused too. It's true what you said. You don't have any claim on me. But neither does anyone else." I said, looking into his eyes for some sign of recognition of what I said. He was looking down, but when I said that, his eyes met mine. He looked like he wanted to say something but hesitated. I waited. "I -- I -- I really am confused. When I first saw you, I -- well, I wanted to meet you. I thought that was all it was. And I think that's true -- at first. You seemed like the kind of guy I could -- well -- talk to." His concerned look relaxed a little as he saw my slight smile. "And -- well, you know that Jerry isn't that -- um -- warm." He stopped again to think. "I guess what I'm saying is -- like I already said. I'm confused. I never counted on being -- well -- attracted -- in this way -- to a guy. And you -- you're the only one I know. I mean -- oh crap! That came out wrong! But -- it's true! I don't know any other guy who is -- um - " " -- gay?" I said. "Yeah. And you've been so nice to me and - " "Me? I've been nice to you? Dude! You were nice to me! When I needed a friend -- to stay with me -- to hold me -- to listen to my soul's complaint, even! I felt so protected when you were with me! I can't tell you how confused I was, losing Will like that, feeling lost, confused and guilty all at the same time! I can't ever make that up to you." "But you already have!" He said. "Already have what? Made you doubt yourself? Sent you into a tailspin that you may never recover from -- or feel like you can? Is that what I did for you?" "No. I've thought a lot about what has happened to me up to this point. I've thought a lot about you, me, you AND me, and how I have had these feelings for as long as I can remember. I KNOW some of the boys experimented and played with each other when I was in grade school. At least I thought they must! Because I wanted to so much! And I didn't feel I was any different than anyone else!" "I know." "But apparently I WAS different that all the others!" he exclaimed. "MOST of the others -- and -- I read that ALL little boys -- and girls -- go through a homosexual stage in their preteen years. So you really weren't that different then. Neither was I." I said. "But -- by the time I got to Junior High, the other guys lost interest in that kind of stuff. Somehow, no one noticed -- not even myself -- that I DIDN'T lose interest! I knew that we had to undress and shower for P.E. with the rest of the guys. I couldn't wait!" "I know." He said. "and man! The guys made fun of anyone who was different. In 7th grade, some guys had big dicks, but not many. Guess who got made fun of? The guys with the big dicks! But by ninth grade, most of us had matured, and there were only a few who still had their little dinks! Then it was they who were made fun of! I was a special case." "Special case?" I queried. "Yeah! My dick grew fast, and so -- even though now it's nothing out of the ordinary -- in ninth grade I had one of the longest in the shower room. But - - I had NO hair down there yet. So that made me look even larger!" "And they teased you for that?" "Well, not really, but I FELT like they did. I just KNEW what they were THINKING"! He said. "Or THOUGHT I knew! I withdrew into a shell for three years while my hair growth caught up with my other secondary sexual stuff." "Wow!" I exclaimed. "And now, in my second year in college, I find out that I am -- um -- THIS way!" "Gay." I said. "Damn, I can't say that!" "I know. It's hard at first. But -- are you still attracted to girls?" "What? No! I never was! I always figured that when I got older I would be more excited about girls. I remember telling my best friend -- well, I didn't really have a friend close enough to call him my best friend -- but anyway, the best friend I had -- I said, `What gives? Do guys have sexual organs in their fingers -- or hands, or something? What's the big deal about feeling a girls tits? You know what he answered me?" "What?" "He laughed and said his sexual organ was in HIS hands and fingers as often as possible!" At that, John finally smiled. I laughed, and it eased the tension a lot. "Anyway, it took a night with you to help me see the light." "Glad to be of service -- I guess." I said. "But now I don't know what to do." "Join the club!" I said. "I mean -- well, I always knew I was gay. But I still didn't know what to do with it! I couldn't tell anyone!" "I know!" He said. "and now -- it's no different. I don't know anyone -- except you -- and obviously you are not interested in me, so what - " "Who told you that?" "What?" He said. "Who told you that I was `obviously not interested in you'?" "Well, I just assumed, and then I saw you -- and heard you -- with that other guy last night -- and this morning, and - " "I'm not going with him! I like him, though. I just met him -- or rather got to know him this weekend. We both agreed that we're not ready to be tied down -- just yet." John looked at me for a long moment, then said, "So -- where does that leave us?" "It leaves us pretty much where we were -- well -- last week." I said. "Except - " "Except what?" He asked. "Except -- we had not shared with each other what we just shared -- last week." I looked into his eyes. Or rather I got lost in them. They were kind of sad looking, kind of haunting looking, and definitely alluring to me. They lacked one thing -- hope. I didn't want to give him false hope, but I brought my face closer to his, laid my hand against his cheek and kissed him. "I don't want you to make too much of that, but you have meant a lot to me in the past week." I said. He grabbed me in a close embrace. Finally he let go of some tears. "Sorry!" he said. "I just -- I dunno -- it's such a relief that you still are not -- um -- taken." "I'm not." I said seriously, looking into hopeful eyes. For a moment I felt like I held some sort of magic power that I didn't know how to control yet. I really like John. He is so sweet and vulnerable. But -- so is Buddy. And Buddy is so hot to look at. John's not ugly, but not outstanding like Buddy. But somehow that did not matter this morning. "It's nearly time for the next class. I have a free period now -- you?" I said. "No. I have English Lit." "Okay. So you better go, huh?" I said, looking from eye to eye, out noses almost touching. "You just missed your class for me. I can miss Lit this once. I don't think we were finished." He said. "Me neither!" I said, and this time I grabbed HIM and kissed him deeply. He kissed me back. I locked the door, and pretty much did the same to him as I had to Buddy last night. Only -- he didn't object when I played with his anus. He wiggled a bit and cooed and groaned, but seemed to love it as I slipped my wet finger in and out of him as I sucked him off. Per my usual style, I didn't let him do me at that time. I was satisfied with what went down as it was. Besides, I had gotten off twice this morning as it was! I talked to Buddy later in the afternoon. He wanted to come by for another "study period", but I declined, citing a lot of make up time needed at my desk. "I can probably help you with that!" he said hopefully. But I still said no. (I was gentle!) Then I asked if we could get together tomorrow night. (Thursday) As I was studying, it was about 10:45. I was having trouble staying awake. There was a light tap on the door. "C'min!" I said, finally glad for the diversion. I knew it was John. He came into the room and sat on the bed next to where I was studying. "Am I bothering you?" "Naw! I don't think I could go much further tonight anyway." I said and yawned. "Can I stay here tonight?" he said. "Jerry's being a butt." I tiredly nodded my head. "I can sleep on this bed, if you want." He said. He was sitting on Will's old bed. Well, actually I was studying at Will's old desk. "Naw," I said, "The sheet are all clean and stuff." The ridiculousness of what I said hit us both at once. We started laughing almost hysterically. All we did was sleep together. Well, maybe that's not ALL we did. We went to sleep close together -- after some heavy kissing and fondling. Well, okay -- we both got off -- and didn't even clean up before falling asleep in each other's arms. It felt every bit as good as it did our first night together. "Hi Jamey!" Buddy was in his college guy persona. It was mid-day and I stopped by the student union for a bite to eat. "How are you?" he showed his gleaming Hollywood smile. "I'm fine." I said between bites. "How's John?" "Huh?" I said, shocked out of my mid-day lethargy. "Oh! He's -- okay too -- I guess." "He didn't look too good yesterday morning when I left your place. He was in the common, and -- well -- he looked like a train ran over him." "I -- um -- talked to him. He's fine -- now." "You made it fine?" He pressed me. "Okay, Buddy, we have to set some boundaries here." I said flatly. He lost his man-on --the --town look immediately and sat down. He looked at me, concerned. I continued. "I like you -- a lot! It's tempting to say, I love you -- especially since you have told me the same several times now. But -- no, I mean -- and -- er -- Shit! Buddy I DO love you. I hardly know you, but I do!" His eyes started to glow again. "But - - I also love John. He has been a life-saver to me. What I am saying is -- we have already agreed -- your choice -- not to be boyfriends. So you can't ask me about other guys. It's -- well -- really, it's none of your business." His inner light was easy to see. It turned off again -- or nearly. "Can -- I mean -- do you want me to -- still come over -- tonight?" He looked fearful when he asked it. "Of course!" I said. Light back on! "I hear of people `playing the field'. I don't know if this is what they are talking about. It's stressful, you know?" "No." "No?" I reiterated. "How would I know? I have gone here for over three years. You are the first guy I have really gotten to know. You're the first guy I have been BRAVE enough to get to know. It's scary, though. It seems too fast. I guess I'm playing the field too, but you're the only one giving me anything to field. On one hand I envy you and on the other - - I -- I -- dunno!" "We'll talk more about it tonight -- BEFORE we `study'. Okay?" I said. "I'll bring dinner. No -- wait! My roommate will be gone tonight! Can you come over to my place?" "Cool!" I said. Around 6-ish?" I said. We both laughed. "Very cool!" he said. And he got up to leave -- but stopped and turned around. "Have you heard anything from that Steve?" My look made him change his mind. "Oh, never mind. None of my business!" I smiled. I had one more class and an afternoon lab. When I got home, I barely had time to get cleaned up. I put on a lightweight turtle neck - it was getting really cold. And I wore my black leather jacket with black jeans. I shaved and as I was fixing my hair, there was a tap -- John's tap -- at the door. "C'mon in, John." "Oh! You're going out? Wow! Must be a big date! You look great." "Thanks." I said. I'm just about to leave. What's up?" "Nothin'. Going out with that other guy?" "I'm going out with AN other guy." I said. And if you mean the guy who was here the other day, that's Bud -- er -- Grant." "Grant! That's it! Can't ever seem to remember that." "Why would you need to?" I said, a little more snappish than I meant to. "You're right. I should mind my own business." "John -- I don't want to hurt your feelings. But -- geez, my personal life is -- well -- mine. I want to continue to see you. I would hope that you would see someone else too. John, I'm late. Can we take this up later?" "Sure! Stop by on your way home tonight." He said. "I may not be home tonight." "Oh. Okay. Well, see you later, then." He walked out, and tried to close the door. "John -- wait!" I said. I walked over and kissed him. "I WANT to see you later!" He smiled sadly and said good bye. I arrived a little after six. The sun was nearly down to the horizon. Buddy grabbed my hand and pulled me out to the beach. "Take off your shoes and socks! The cold sand feels great!" We walked out to the water's edge. The sun was huge and halfway behind the waves by now. It was dark enough that if anyone saw us -- we were not the only ones on the beach -- all that was visible were silhouettes. Buddy turned and looked deeply into my eyes. This was the first I noticed - his were swimming. "I'm afraid I'm losing you." He said, forlornly. "and the stupid thing is -- I never HAD you." "Yeah, you can't lose what you never had, can you." I said. "Buddy! You aren't losing me! I just don't think either of us is ready to -- settle down." "I though so last weekend. Now I'm not so sure!" I embraced him closely. "I have learned a few things in the few months since school began, Bud." I said. Maybe we should talk a little about those things." "Okay." He said, sounding worried. "Okay. First of all, don't look so sad. I'm not letting you down gently!" He smiled a little. "Buddy, you are adorable, cute, and when we are alone, so vulnerable and sweet! I love that." He relaxed a little. I taught him a few of the things that Seth taught me as well as some that I learned on my own about thinking I was in love with whatever guy I was getting intimate with. Problem was -- his only guy is me! "Buddy, I still feel the same way. I feel like I love you when we're having sex. I do! But I know from experience that this is a reaction from all the good things that are happening to my body. Remember Seth? I told you about him." He nodded. "He assures me -- and I trust and believe him -- that when real love happens, I will know it. It will feel much different. Much more -- than the emotional high of post sex. I wouldn't have known this -- at this time -- if Will had not died. I thought I loved him. But here it is less than two weeks after he died, and I am pretty much feeling those same feelings with you." "And John." He said." "Okay." I said. "And Steve." "Nope. Steve and I haven't -- done anything. I just like him." "Heard from him?" "This isn't about me and my other friends. This is about us." I reiterated. "I want you all to myself." He said. "And when I'm with you, I want YOU all to myself." I said then continued. "But you keep bringing my other friends into OUR space. Can you stop doing that?" I said gently. "I guess." He said. It was completely dark now and getting colder. We went back to the house, picked up our shoes, and went in. "That could have been a lot more romantic. Sorry I blew it, Sweetie." He said to me. Somehow the way he said `Sweetie' hit a chord with me. The rest of the evening went smoothly. We had the usual sex except he decided it was my turn to get "service" first. He had been reading some things -- probably on the internet, because he used some techniques I didn't know about. But the main thing that surprised me, was when he put his finger in my butt. He first wet it in his mouth and then massaged my sphincter for awhile. This was much more pleasurable than I realized it would be. I tried not to compare it with the way John had done it, but it was impossible. Buddy's technique was much more smooth and felt better. Well, he was ready with a slippery lube for one thing. When he was finished with me -- and had swallowed every drop of my spunk -- he kissed me and said, I love you sooooo much!" I believed it this time. When we were almost asleep, he said, "Jamey, will you be my boyfriend? Just mine -- for at least now?" As tired as I was, my heart sank. I know I waited way too long to answer. I felt lame when I finally did. "Buddy, I have only known you a week. Less really." "Okay, okay, I know." He interrupted. I shouldn't have - " "Let me finish, Bud." I said gently. We were in such an intimate position, it made it a little easier to "be gentle" "I have felt so -- um -- well, almost humbled when you have told me that you love me. I am so new to this myself; I can't quite fully understand it. But for some reason, you are drawn to me -- I don't know why. But I know from my own limited experience -- that a sexual relationship makes ME feel that I love. I can't answer for you, if that's true, but I really don't think you can either. I just don't feel like I'm ready for that kind of commitment right now. Can you understand that?" "I can." He said. "I understand that you aren't ready. I feel I am, and I guess that's my problem, not yours. But -- I still want to see you -- and have the chance to love you. When we have had sex, it seems to be vulgar to refer to it even in that way. To me it is just the physical manifestation of what I already feel for you. And - - lots of even high school kids `go together' -- even if they are not ready for a -- or `the' -- lasting relationship. He continued, "And I know it's only been a week. I'm sorry to put you in this position. I know you must feel like crap, to have to tell me no. Please don't." He said. "No! Forget I said that. It wasn't fair. Just -- I guess give me a fair chance at your heart. I feel pretty unqualified when I am competing with a doctor! But give me a chance." "I wish you didn't think you were competing at all. Steve hasn't even called me since before the funerals. John is -- well -- he's been very sweet to me -- as you have!" "But it's still a competition. I know John wants you. And I know that you dream of Steve. Just -- give me some kind of hope." "Well," I said, "For what it may be worth, I have not decided on anyone -- yet. I definitely have not ruled anyone out -- and that includes you." He didn't say any more. I could tell when he went to sleep. I felt cold when, about an hour later, he moved away from me in his sleep. I'd like to say that I dreamed about him -- or anyone -- but I didn't. I couldn't. I didn't sleep all night. I thought about what he said. I thought about how he felt. I thought about how I felt! What I felt was immature and confused. He said that I dreamed about Steve. How could he know. Steve intrigued me. He was like the only piece of stability that I had to grab on to. He was mature. He was stable in his job and in himself. He had what all three of the rest of us wanted. But he was so much older -- and - - he had not called me! "Hello, Jamey! Nice to hear from you! What a nice surprise. What prompted you to call me?" I hadn't thought that far. I was again at a loss for words. "Oh! I guess you have caller I.D. It surprised me that you knew who I was!" DUH! I felt really stupid, and also -- what to say now? "Yeah. Normally, cell phones don't show up, but yours is programmed in, so it does. What's up?" "Oh! Well, uh -- I -- I -- just wanted to say -- um -- that -- I really appreciate you making Will's funeral so much easier for me." "Uh huh!" Steve said. "You told me that last week, but I appreciate you calling me and telling me again." I felt completely lame! Why didn't I give some thought to what I was going to say! "Uh -- yeah. Um -- well, thanks." "So -- how are you? How was that other funeral?" "Well, it wasn't so much the other funeral -- which by the way was fine -- but I met a very sweet and great guy because of it." "Reeeeally?" he said. Something told me -- his tone of voice -- that he misunderstood. "Oh! It wasn't that kind of guy -- I mean he wasn't -- I mean - " <> "He is a counselor for the county. He is the cousin of the other guy who was murdered. His name is Seth. He's happily married! "Oh!" I still think he misunderstood! "I mean -- look! Nothing happened between him and me -- except he helped me see some things. You know -- like -- reality. He's a reality therapist." "Oh." I think he finally got it. Or at least got that I had not fallen in love with someone else! What am I saying!!?? "Anyway, I am fine. How are you?" "Well, always busy -- with work. I was thinking about you. I wanted to call you several times to see how you were. But it's only been a week since last Friday. I didn't want to bug you." "You wouldn't have!" I said more quickly that I should have. "I mean -- I'd have loved to hear your voice." <> "I mean - - Seth made me realize some important things." "Well, obviously, you want to share them with me -- I hope. Why don't you do it over dinner tonight -- are you free?" "Yes. Um -- Actually, I am! Okay!" I couldn't help the pleased sound of my voice! "Great! Can I pick you up? About 7:00?" "7:00 would be great!" I said. "Cool! We can go to Holdren's and then drive down to the beach to talk. I am so glad you called." "Okay." I said, still glowing. Then it hit me. "No WAIT! We can't go to Holdrens!" "Why? You don't like it?" "No -- it was fine -- only -- can't we go somewhere else? I haven't been to many restaurants up here. Actually an In-and-Out burger would be fine with me!" "Then that's where we'll go! Bring your coat, we'll drive to the beach and eat there! I gotta go -- got a surgery in a half hour -- gotta prepare. Bye! I'm so pleased you called!" "Bye!" I said. Could I have been any more LAME!!! I guess I'll never be smooth. Maybe we'll laugh about this years from now. Years from now!!?? I couldn't tell Buddy what I would be doing even next week -- or John, for that matter! And now am I projecting me with Steve - - years from now? When he arrived, John was just leaving. There had been a power outage and we were just standing in the hall talking. "Hi Steve! This is John. He's my room mate -- I mean, no! Well, Dorm mate -- I mean -- he lives across the hall. "Nice to meet you, John. Hey, Jamey -- I like In-And-Out burgers fine, but they don't hold a candle to the action at me place -- Hamburger action, I mean! -- heh! So I thought we'd just head back there. You ready?" "I just have to grab my coat." "Yeah, you may need that -- if we decide to go outside. Ohhh, too bad you weren't there about an hour ago. The sunset was gorgeous! Very romant- erm -- beautiful!" I grabbed my coat, and as John was disappearing into his room, he said, "Will I see you later, then?" "I -- uh -- dunno when I'll be home." I said. "K. Bye." He said. As soon as we got into the car, while we were buckling up, Steve said, "So -- tell me about what this Seth did for you!" As soon as we were out of the university streets, I noticed his hand was setting comfortably near my leg on the center console. It was a struggle not to place mine over it. I talked non-stop all the way to his house. As I walked in, I was again reminded of the last time I was here. But this time, the table was set with nice dinnerware and there were candles -- unlit -- on the table. The lights were low. There was a fire going in the fireplace. Well, if I had missed the romantic sunset, the candles, fireplace and low lights didn't escape my attention. He fired up a grill in his kitchen, and threw on four hamburgers. "Four?" I asked. "I wasn't sure what you liked at In-and-Out. I like the double-double myself!" he said as he turned them and threw some slabs of cheese on the tops. I continued to tell him about my conversation with Seth. Steve just let me talk. When I was finished talking, Steve looked deeply into my eyes said, "Sounds like you were falling for HIM." The implied missing phrase was "instead of me!" "Heh! I suppose I could have. He -- I mean -- anyone could, maybe. But he is securely taken." "Yeah, I got that when you said he was married. It must be hard to be the wife of a therapist. They say that everyone falls for their therapist." "Oh, he doesn't have a wife." I retorted. And -- well, he's not really married. But he and his partner feel like they are." "Partner? Is he gay?" "Didn't I mention that?" "I don't think so." He said, seemingly trying to see into my soul through my eyes. I had to look away momentarily. "Well, anyway," I hedged, "He helped me to realize that what I had with Will was not -- all that deep, I guess." "I kinda got that the first day you came into Will's room" He said. "You did?" "Uh huh. But I'm not a counselor, and I'm not in any position to be anyway." He said. He looked intensely at me. I felt uncomfortable. "Do you understand what I'm saying?" "Er -- not exactly." I said. "Jamey, I've never thought much about romance -- I haven't had time to. And when I did think about it, I didn't think in terms of anyone as young as you are -- what 22?" "Um -- actually 18 -- almost 19." I said. His head dropped to his chest. He put his hands to his face and shook his head. "What are we doing here, Jamey?" He finally asked in an almost desperate voice. "We're two friends having dinner -- a romantic dinner -- I hope." I said, surprising myself with the calmness of it. "You really do? Jamey, I could be your father!" "I suppose -- if you were sixteen when you knocked up my mom!" I laughed. He laughed after me. "Everything is telling me that you're too young for me -- and that was when I thought you were 22!" I took control of the conversation in a way that even surprised me. I reached and touched his hand. "Steve, we were thrown together into a mutual chaotic situation. We still hardly know each other. I'm very inexperienced. I hardly even know about you. Have you ever been in a serious relationship?" "Not since -- high school. Too busy." "High school?" I said with surprise. "Was it a guy?" "No. A girl. Heh! How serious could it have been, huh?" He looked embarrassed. "Well, anyway, you've been too busy to grow up -- in this way, and it seems that I have been forced to grow up faster than most my age. Even with my inexperience, how many guys -- or people even -- have lost someone to a murder?" "You have a point." "To me, the point is -- the sixteen years difference means nothing to me -- well, in all honesty, it plagued me at first -- but not any more." "So ... did you say, at first? Then," he did a little happy giggle, "so you too have been -- um -- thinking about me?" "Yes, I have. It's just that I don't want to go too fast, and I was afraid at your age -- sorry -- that you might be more than ready to go faster. Do you understand?" "Of course I understand. He said grinning from ear to ear. "And I am completely content to go as slow as it takes." "As slow as what takes?" "As slow as it takes for you to get comfortable." "Steve, I'm dating two other guys. I know -- there goes that extra measure of maturity out the window. But I'm pretty confused right now." "Wow! Well, so am I -- now. Have you -- I mean -- have you been -- um - " " - intimate with them?" I said. "Sorry, that's none of my business." "Okay. I have had very little experience -- with guys. I have played a little with those two -- and with Will. Nothing penetrating, though. Does that answer your question?" I tried not to let it sound as frustrated as I felt. After all this is the third time I have had to defend my -- my -- position. "Wow! Yes, it does. Well, ok. I hope I'm your first." He said and smiled. "You and too many others!" I thought, but did not say. "Well, hey! Those hamburgers are smelling great. I'll have one of those double-doubles please! With fries and a chocolate shake!" I was joking of course. Imagine my surprise when he filled my order as requested. The fries were already cooking, and he made the shakes form real ice cream, milk and put malt in. "Tell me THAT'S not better than in-and-out!" He said. I couldn't resist saying it: "I wouldn't know yet! Maybe someday you will be the one to show me." "Oho! Well, if that's the kind of in-and-out you are talking about -- then NO! The hamburgers are definitely NOT better!" "So -- you have had some experience -- while you were in med school?" He looked only a little guilty. "Well, I didn't say I was a hermit or a priest during all that time." But he was still smiling. I dunno why but I felt somehow comforted by that. I guess I felt safe with his experience. I might rather have my first time with someone who know what he was doing. "Wow!" He said. "Where did you go? You looked far away there for a minute." "You're very perceptive." I hesitated to tell him what I was really thinking about. But again -- I felt safe with Steve. "I was just thinking that it might be better my first time with someone who knows what they are doing!" "Oh, well!" He exclaimed. "I can't claim any great prowess or vast experience. I've just had some experience -- that's all." "We can't seem to get off this subject, can we?" I said. "What was it we came here to talk about, again?" "Well, originally it was your counseling session with that Seth guy. Was there more that you wanted to say about that?" There really wasn't but I wanted to change the subject from where it kept going. "Only that you should see the Smith family!" I told him how rich they were, how both of their children were gay, and that they were so kind to all them, their friends and cousins. I described their house and the guest house that Seth and Luke stayed in as best I could. "Their son, Jake, and his -- well, husband -- along with their cousin and a former roommate, and both their lovers-slash-husbands -- and their six children -- live on a compound in Vermont. They adopted a family of children that recently had been given up to an orphanage, when their father was killed in a war. The mother could not care for them. They split the children between the three couples, but they found out who the mother was, and brought her here to give the children the normalcy of having a mother." "Wow! It sounds too idyllic." "Probably wouldn't work if two of the guys weren't so rich. But they are. They have a compound similar to the Kennedys'." "Do you want kids?" He said. "Doesn't everyone?" "I'm not so sure about that." "Don't you?" "Yeah. But I too feel that they need a mother in their life. It would be hard to do that as your friends have done." "I doubt it was that easy for them." I said. "Your maturity in so many things is amazing to me!" He said. We talked into the evening. There was no talk of staying the night. At about 11:30, I said I should be getting back. He was almost falling asleep in front of the fire. Well, so was I! He popped up and grabbed our coats and threw mine to me. Before he opened the door, he asked, "May I kiss you?" "I've been dreaming of it all night!" I said. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed me tenderly. Not too much tongue. But so tenderly. Our bodies were in full contact. I could feel his soldier getting aroused, as I am sure he felt mine. Then he took me home. At home I fell into bed. Before I was completely asleep, I heard John's familiar tap on my door. I ignored it. Notes: No note is necessary here. It would spoil the sweetness -- right?" But your comments are welcome any time. To Steve at stevethomas535@hotmail.com. Thanks and love, Steve