Date: Thu, 12 Mar 2009 02:16:53 -0700 (PDT)
From: Crispin Taylor
Subject: Keep Bleeding, Chapter IV

Chapter IV--Collateral Collision

	The funny thing about hanging out with Chris was that we didn't
necessarily have to be doing anything. When Monday rolled around, we hung
out with Iwon again and watched TV...although I can honestly say there was
nothing good on in the least.
	It wasn't long before I noticed that my attraction and feelings
towards him were going to get me into serious trouble. I had struggled with
myself multiple times not to create awkward situations, but there were
times where hitting on him was necessary. It wasn't long before I realized
the jokes were returned. But hadn't he said we wouldn't do anything just in
case, because he didn't want to ruin our friendship--because I couldn't
control my stupid feelings? But what about the night before I left
Columbia? The night where he'd gotten drunk at Jeff's and called me. The
night where we IMed for quite a while until around 5am and he blatantly hit
on me? I could clearly remember the conversation from that night less than
a week ago, and I could remember his proposition for being my "bodyguard"
while meeting people from Manhunt--one blowjob would get me his bodyguard
services for one meeting. Yeah...I wasn't quite sure how to interpret his
mixed signals.

PTyler21 (5:23:20 AM): as soon as I land PTyler21 (5:23:22 AM): there are
PTyler21 (5:23:28 AM): 3 people I have to call Krzysowski12 (5:23:31 AM):
lol Krzysowski12 (5:23:32 AM): why?  Krzysowski12 (5:23:33 AM): oh
PTyler21 (5:23:33 AM): lol Krzysowski12 (5:23:34 AM): thomas
PTyler21 (5:23:38 AM): 1 Krzysowski12 (5:23:38 AM): your mom
PTyler21 (5:23:40 AM): 2 Krzysowski12 (5:23:40 AM): and your aunt
PTyler21 (5:23:42 AM): lol, no PTyler21 (5:23:43 AM): Liz
Krzysowski12 (5:23:46 AM): lol PTyler21 (5:23:51 AM): CLOSE
PTyler21 (5:23:53 AM): but no cigar Krzysowski12 (5:23:57 AM): lol
Krzysowski12 (5:23:58 AM): psh Krzysowski12 (5:24:01 AM): you gna suck my
cigar :D PTyler21 (5:24:04 AM): LMAO Krzysowski12 (5:24:05 AM): lol
Krzysowski12 (5:24:06 AM): wow

	And now that Thomas had effectively broken up with me (Saturday
morning, actually, after my first night in Chicago) due to his immense
jealousy towards Chris, the sexual tension between Chris and I practically
skyrocketed. Thomas even went as far as to try rubbing it in my face that
he had fucked his girlfriend, which I honestly didn't care
about. Apparently he had forced that poor girl to take "The Hammer," his
cleverly named penis, anally. I really felt for her...in some odd sort of
way.
	"So, what you wanna do today?" Chris said, turning to me from his
computer.
	"Hm...I dunno. I wanna party!" I laughed.
	"All we have is beer."
	I frowned to myself and shook my head. "What else could we do?"
	"Let's call Iwon up first and see what she's up to."
	She came right up and we ended up drinking Kahlua with coffee and
watching America's Next Top Model for hours straight before coming to the
conclusion that we were bored as hell. Iwon had to work at Payless from 4
to 7, but then proposed that we go smoke Hookah at this place called Samah
Lounge, which we were totally up for.
	So, around 8, when Iwon was back from work and showered, we headed
out to Samah, just the three of us. I must admit, being around them really
made me feel like part of the group. I had never meshed so easily with
people as I did in Chicago--and that was weird, because I had always
thought of myself as rather personable. It was just something about being
there that made me at ease. And maybe it was the fact that I was meeting
Chris's friends, and that's why I was so inclined to be as likeable and
friendly as possible. That or I was determined to let my personality win
Chris over more, because I knew my looks weren't going to be enough.
	One of my biggest issues was my physical appearance while in
Chicago. I do not think I'm very attractive--although, I guess I have my
days. I do know that my time in Chicago, I was at my physical worst. I had
just lost a ton of weight (not by choice) to the point where I weighed
about 130. I stand at just over 5'10, and my hair is in awkward phase; I'm
mixed four ways equally among white, black, Native American, and Mexican,
so my hair is semi-retarded. When it's short, it looks somewhat like black
people's hair, but when it's longer, it looks more like a Mexican or Native
American's hair...only thicker. It also grows forward, not upward or
backward, if that makes any sense. At this point, my hair was about a
half-inch or so, so it was starting to "uncurl" and beginning to wave out
like it does when it's longer. I couldn't do anything with it like spike
it, so I just wore hats. Unfortunately, I had about 3 hats. One was a
Friday's hat and one was a Germany hat from Hamburg. Did I really want to
wear a work hat? No. Did I really want to wear a hat from my ex's home
city? Hell no. Did I want to go out in public with weird hair? Fuck no.
	To make matters worse, I'm allergic to shaving cream so I use an
electric razor. But as I said before, in my ingenious haste to pack for
Chicago, I left it back home...nearly a thousand miles away. I guess
because I hit puberty early, I got "graced" with fast-growing awkward
facial hair. It would grow on my neck and cheeks, upper lip, and just under
my lip, but was never actually "thick" enough to create a real beard or
anything. At most, it was just annoying and obnoxious. And not to mention,
extremely uncomfortable while trying to sleep. I had tried improvising by
using a regular razor and shaving cream while taking 3 or 4 Benadryll to
prevent massive breakouts. It didn't work. Not only did the razor just pull
the hairs out, the shaving cream managed to make my jaw line look like my
face had been boiled in acid. Luckily it went away after about a day, but I
could definitely not risk shaving with shaving cream again. I guess it
didn't help that I never really learned HOW to shave since I never had an
actual father figure. But...that's another story for another time.
	So here I am, extremely underweight, shittily shaven, and wearing a
blue and awkwardly hard Hamburg, Germany hat. How sexy.
	Chris never made any comments about my physical appearance, which I
guess was a good thing. He never seemed like the kind of person to just
dish out compliments anyway, so him not saying "wow you're ugly" was a good
sign, I guess.
	"Can you blow smoke rings?" Iwon asked me as she proceeded to do a
series of them.
	"Uh...no," I said, watching in childish awe.
	Chris chuckled, took the Hookah Hose from her, inhaled, and
demonstrated his own smoke ring blowing prowess. I have to admit, I was
jealous. But I think I was also quite content with watching him. He was
wearing a green shirt that is still my favorite to this day. It's a pale
green of sorts, like the color of mashed peas or something, and it's like a
T-shirt, but it has long white sleeves under it. There is an outline of a
flying eagle in white on the front, or something like that, but it really
brings out his eyes and features, I think. I dunno. Something about it
makes it my favorite.
	I guess it was then that I realized how wide his neck was. He
wasn't lying when he said he had a footballer build. I had already noted
his extremely broad shoulders, but I guess I'd never noticed the short,
broadness of his neck.
	"Can you teach me?" I asked, snapping back to reality.
	Iwon laughed, "You put your lips like this, and blow."
	"What are you trying to teach me how to do?" I joked, mocking her
lips.
	Chris spluttered on smoke and the three of us laughed at his
misfortune.
	"It's actually really easy. You don't use your tongue at all; it's
all in our jaw."
	"Hm..."
	Chris handed me the hose, raising his eyebrows in a gesture of
saying "try it."
	I was a bit hesitant, since I definitely didn't want to seem stupid
and incapable of doing it. Nonetheless, I took hold of the Hookah, inhaled,
and sat with the smoke in my body for a few minutes. Then I exhaled,
forming a circle with my lips and slightly blowing out.
	A stream of smoke escaped.
	"Haha, not quite," he commented.
	I rolled my eyes as I continued to try. I snapped my jaw in an
awkward manner, continually trying to mimic Iwon, but to no avail.
	"Yeah, I can't do this," I said, finally exhaling the rest of the
smoke. I tried again, and again, and again, until my head became too light
and I passed the Hookah back to Iwon.
	"I am so lightheaded right now."
	I think hours passed, but between laughing and hookah, I couldn't
really keep track of the time. The dim lighting in the room, the soft
pillows around us, and the overall quietness of the lounge made me drowsier
than I had been in a while. I wanted to just lay on him, but...once
again...I held back.
	That was the story of my life. Always hesitating. Always
calculating everything meticulously to make sure I was never let down. That
was my fucking problem. I could never just take a risk. Never just let
things go and go for it. Even my spontaneity is planned. All of my faults
would coalesce into this whirling pool of self-loathing that I would come
to drown in. But that wasn't for quite some time. For now, I was still
semi-assured that I would maintain my self-esteem and win Chris over
completely. No more of this "on the edge" stuff.
	Eventually, we finished off our hookah and headed out, our stomachs
growling like lions. "Do you wanna get food?" Chris questioned, turning to
me.
	"Yes, food sounds amazing right now!"
	We exited the hookah lounge and began our walk down Clark, toward
Belmont, and down the street. Somehow, in the process, Iwon managed to walk
herself into a brick wall. We didn't let her live that down for a while.
	When we finally reached Giordano's, a must-dine Chicago restaurant,
we were all somewhat chilly. Lucky for us, the restaurant was almost empty
and nice and toasty.
	"Just three, please," I spoke to the hostess. She sat us at a
booth, a busser dropped off three waters, and then they left us in silence.
	I reviewed the menu while Iwon and Chris told me what was good,
insisting that I try "stuffed pizza." Whatever it was, I was willing to try
it with my appetite so outrageous.
	"I can feel my heartbeat," Iwon said suddenly.
	Chris and I looked at each other before laughing together. "I would
hope so," I prodded.
	"That's what it's supposed to do," added Chris.
	"No, feel it!" Iwon half-shouted, grabbing his hand and setting it
right above her breast. Across from us, a woman and her boyfriend stared in
shock.
	"They're looking at us!" Chris giggled, blushing.
	"So what? You wanna feel too?" Iwon spoke loudly.
	We erupted with laughter before the waitress interrupted. She took
our order, warned us that it would take about 35 minutes, and left.
	An hour later, we were fully satisfied with our meal. We packed up
the last few slices of pizza, grabbed our check, and left. I paid.
	Back at the dorm, we simply crashed. The next day would be a lot
more fun, as Chris and Iwon had a friend named Ania who was coming to
visit. We would all hang out and drink; that was the plan!
	I awoke the next morning feeling refreshed. Chris had made lunch
plans for us to meet with Matt at an Italian restaurant Chris had bragged
about before. I have to admit, I wasn't "stoked" about sitting and having
an all-out conversation with Matt, but I would do my best to remain polite
and interesting.
	We met him at Best Buy around 2 PM, and then headed to Nancy's
Pizzeria from there. It was then that I got a good look at Mr. Matt. First
of all, he was about my height; his body type seemed to be a little soft,
though it looked like if he would spend some time working out, he could
have a nice body. His hair was a brownish color that lacked any real
luster, and I noticed a few gray strands that I was just dying to point
out. But I bit my tongue. If this was my competition, I should be golden!
	Around 3, we arrived at Nancy's. We ordered and talked. Matt and I
exchanged questions, and everything was going fine.
	"So where do you go to school?" Matt asked, wiping his face with a
napkin. At least he had good dinner manners!
	"Oh, I'm not in school right now, but I applied to DePaul."
	"So you're from around here, then?"
	"Oh no," I laughed, "I'm from South Carolina."
	"..."
	Chris noticeably cleared his throat as he ate.
	"Why'd you lie to me, dude?" Matt inquired, fixing Chris with a
strong stare.
	Chris didn't respond immediately.
	"Wait, what?" I was lost. "What do you mean?"
	"How do you two know each other?"
	I looked to Chris for guidance in this question. Had he not told
Matt? Was I supposed to tell him the truth?
	"We met...online," I answered cautiously. "I don't really want to
say anything else, because I don't really feel comfortable. I feel...bad."
	Matt assured me otherwise. "No, it's fine. Where'd you two meet?"
	Chris finally spoke up. "We just met online, dude."
	"Well why'd you lie?"
	"Because I thought you'd get mad."
	"Why would I get mad, dude?"
	"Cuz you always get skeptical when I say I'm just hanging out with
a `friend.'"
	"What is going on?" I finally demanded. I was getting edgy with the
3rd Degree Matt was giving Chris.
	"He told me you guys went to the same high school."
	I nodded to myself and glanced in Chris's direction. I didn't
really care. We'd been lying about how we met since we first started
talking. Neither of us wanted to say we'd met on Adult Friend Finder. It
was somewhat...embarrassing, I guess. It definitely brought a lot of
unwanted questions to our relationship.
	"Ah..."
	"C'mon dude, where'd you guys really meet?"
	"I don't really think it matters," I respectfully said.
	"No, I just wanna know. I don't really care, just curious."
	"It was on AFF."
	I looked at Chris warily, but bit my tongue. If even a drop of
criticism came from Matt's mouth, I was going to definitely give him a good
talk.
	We continued our conversation in good graces, though, and finally
requested our check. To my severe dismay, Matt wanted to pay. I did not
want to be indebted to him, but he insisted. He took the bill, inserted his
card, and returned it to the waitress. I clenched my fist next to me, but
decided to smile and thank him. It was a very generous motion and even in
my dislike of him I could see that.
	We left Nancy's, parted ways at an intersection, and headed back to
Chris's place. We hung around there for a while until Ania arrived late
that night around 9. The night at ensued was full of craziness, but I also
remember it very clearly for two reasons.
	The first reason is that Iwon told Chris and I about a game called
"Fuck U," which she, him, and I played a few nights before. We played a few
games, then switched to Truth or Dare. Ania, though she was sick, was
playing too. She dared me to kiss both Chris and Iwon. It was the first
Chris I ever had with Chris, though it lasted for about 2 seconds.
	The second reason was that Chris really came out of his shell--and
clothes--that night. He was dared to streak down his hallway, which he did
after much chiding. He kept his boxers, though, so that he could hold them
in front of his crotch. Apparently he wasn't so confident about "The
Monster" when it was "sleeping."
	I remember hoping something would happen that night, but nothing
did. We simply went to bed around 4. The next day, Thursday, Chris, Iwon,
me, and Iwon's roommate Renee made plans to go to Samah once more. Renee
wasn't entirely sure if she could make it, so Chris invited Brent...much to
my disdain.
	Yet, true to his fashion, Brent ended up standing Chris up. Renee
showed up and smoked with us and I instantly befriended her as
well. However, towards the end of our Hookah session I noticed Chris
getting into a funk of sorts. He had made plans to hang out with Brent
after we were done at Samah. He was going to ditch me to hang out with
Barbie. Oh yes, Brent's "girl name" as deemed by Iwon, was Barbie. I was
being ditched for fucking Barbie.
	Though it pained me to see Chris upset over being stood up, I was
happy he wasn't hanging out with Brent. When we left Samah, we hit up
Dominick's to get some cookies. Chris told us to go upstairs and he would
wait for us on the steps. When we returned to the steps I know I saw liquid
near his eyes. And instantly a tsunami of anger bubbled up inside me. Right
then and there I wanted to strangle Brent or anyone who dared to hurt
Chris.
	I talked with Iwon about it a little, but not much. When we got
back to the dorm building, I went with Iwon to the 5th floor and he headed
up to his room on the 7th, saying he would "be right back."
	After 20 minutes, I went upstairs to fetch him.
	"You okay dude?" I asked him tentatively.
	"Fine," he responded quietly. I inched closer to him where he was
standing at the closet/pantry between the bathroom and the bedroom.
	"You sure?"
	"Yeah. I'm fine."
	"Well...Iwon told me not to come back with you," I chuckled, trying
to lighten the mood. "So, what do you say we both head downstairs?"
	I was still fuming over the fact that he was going to ditch me, but
my overall concern for him muffled that anger. It was beginning to melt
away, so he turned around and smile hesitantly; it was a fake
smile. "Ready?"
	"Sure," I said evenly. "Oh, actually...I need to call Liz really
fast anyway, do you mind if I stay up here and call her?"
	He shrugged and headed for the door. "Just make sure you lock up
before you come down, kay?"
	"Sure thing."
	With that, he was gone. I withdrew my cell phone and sat down in
his computer chair at his desk. I was about to hit the ever-familiar digits
when I saw it. My breathing must have stopped momentarily because I
remember having to will myself to exhale. There, on his desk, part of him
still clinging to its surface, was his pocket knife. That tsunami of rage I
felt towards Brent before? Yeah, that was back times a thousand. If there
was ever a time I felt absolute rage, it was then. I remember my tunnel
vision kicking in, my eyes almost zeroing in on the knife. I begged there
to be an absence of blood, that maybe he had just contemplated doing it and
not actually gone through with it.
	But as I opened the heavy metal handle to examine the blade, the
fresh crimson marks stained my eyes. And suddenly, that anger toward Brent
was gone. My throat constricted and I became sick to my stomach. All those
20 minutes I was downstairs, then outside smoking a cigarette with Iwon
while talking about what could be wrong with him, he was up here slashing
at his forearms. All that time. I was supposed to be his friend. I was
supposed to be there. I was supposed to stop him. And yet I waited. And
waited. I gave him his "space" because I thought that's what he
needed. When in reality, what he needed was someone to tell him he was
worth caring about--that plans with him weren't cancellable. That he was a
priority to at least one person.
	I allowed my eyes to burn for a few minutes more. I knew I was
probably going to cry. I let him down. I fucked up. I should have been
there. But...he should have come to me. He knew I wouldn't judge him--hell,
I had been in the same boat before. He could have come to me. He knew
this. So why didn't he come to me?
	I continued to be frustrated with myself, but I cleaned the knife
and put it away in his drawer. I wanted to let him know that I knew...but I
wasn't sure how. Then I remembered what he was wearing at the hookah
lounge...and how it was a t-shirt...and how when he just went downstairs,
he was wearing a long-sleeved blue shirt. If there was any doubt in my mind
at this point, it was gone now. I went to the bathroom, but once I saw the
sink I realized he hadn't gotten the chance to clean up. I didn't want him
to be embarrassed...but I wanted him to know I knew! I ended up cleaning up
the blood anyway.
	I went downstairs for a few minutes, but seeing him so depressed
was too hard for me. I got my phone charger, went upstairs, and went to bed
early. It was the first night I had gone to bed without him laying a few
feet away from me. It was weird, to say the least. I didn't fall asleep
until he got back.

	The next morning I woke up a little early. Unable to sit in bed for
much longer, I crept into the living room and felt the urge to write
whatever came to mind. I couldn't think of his laptop's password, so
blogging was out of the question. I grabbed my notebook, a pen, and the
thoughts flowed out easily.

	"I don't really know where to begin this or if I can even somewhat
portray how I feel right now. I feel completely destroyed, like I can't
breathe and like this pain will never, ever subside. I'm not sure I can do
this without being melodramatic, but at this point, if I don't get these
emotions out, I'll end up saying things that could seriously destroy the
last half-year.
	"I met this guy online last year in October, around a huge rough
patch in school. I'd actually watched him on webcam via AFF, and I thought
he was just the cutest thing ever. I'd tried, several times, to muster up
enough courage to speak to him, and finally, when I saw his profile said he
spoke German, I messaged him in German. We exchanged a few messages and he
eventually invited me to chat on Yahoo!, so of course I did. Apparently, in
the beginning, there was a mutual attraction. He wanted to hook up with me
as much as I did with him; plus, he was genuinely funny and really
cute...in a naïve manner, too. I suppose you could say I emotionally
cheated on Jan, since I never bothered really trying to talk to him. This
guy was 100X hotter and much more interesting simply because he was so much
different than guys I normally attracted.
	"Christopher John Barowski, or Chris as I call him, lived in
Chicago. I believe this was one of the main reasons we never hooked up in
those early days. Nevertheless, he wanted to meet someway or another, so we
kept it in mind. Meanwhile, I'd broken up with Jan, part of me secretly
wishing Chris would take his spot. Not long after, Chris got insanely drunk
and opened up to me. Me, of all people. Not sure if there was anyone else,
but I felt needed, wanted, and...protective. I loved being there for
him. This, I would leater learn, was my permanent role in my
reciprocally-hindered relationship with Chris. He would give me a nudge
whenever I was really down, and I would give him a huge boost, devoting
time and effort into helping HIM. I never really thought about myself with
him, which I can't describe as good or bad, I just know I made him and his
comfort a priority."
	I stopped writing and looked out at the cityscape behind me. The
living room of Chris's dorm was starting to get colder, but I pulled my
hoodie closer, cracked my knuckles, and continued onward.
	"Now, all this time, I was clinging to the possibility that he
might've liked me back. This came to be guaranteed (for a time being) when
he "cleverly" showed me a conversation with an online friend. Chris had
said he liked me, but when I inquired further, he stopped me because he
didn't want to talk about it; so I let it go. I believe that may have been
my biggest mistake. I can't say with 100% certainty, but I feel like if I'd
pursued, I may have saved myself some hurt. Anyway, with this in mind, we
planned a meeting over Christmas break, the 27th--3rd, where Liz and I
would drive to Chicago and stay in a hotel; then we'd all hang
out. Unfortunately, I ended up telling him a bit too much and I feel that
he pulled away at my illogical liking towards him. After that, things fell
apart with Liz and the Chicago trip was canceled.
	"I was incredibly upset about the cancellation, but I managed to
hide it. Meanwhile, I lied to a really nice guy named Calvin and told him
I'd in fact gone to Chicago and hooked up with Chris and that we were
dating. I only did it to get him to get the picture that I wasn't
interested in hooking up or dating. I'd gotten really weird and felt odd
when I hooked up with people other than Chris, who I'd never even met. Now,
don't get me wrong, we'd cammed together before and exchanged pictures, but
nothing else. Hell, at this point, Liz had heard his voice and I hadn't. I
knew my situation was weird at best, but I found myself unable to stop
talking about him. I didn't want to freak him out, as he seemed a little
naïve about how people always tell their friends about people they're
interested in. So, I kept quiet while his attraction to me faded. I always
recall one night when he told me he didn't get "jealous," but that he
worried I wouldn't like him anymore if I hooked up with other guys. I now
find this extremely selfish.
	"Time passed quickly and we made plans for me to visit over spring
break. The plans changed several times, but as we came to trust each other
more, the plan finalized one night as we voice-chatted. I love his
voice. We planned on me coming Friday, March 21st by plane, and returning
on the 31st, unaware that it was a Monday. As residence, I would stay with
him, in his dorm, while his roommate was away.
	"Around the end of February, my mom started giving me sleep-aids
and tranquilizers; they never helped me sleep, but instead made me trippy
and high. One night, while voice chatting, I got hit with a wave of
depression, mainly by feelings I'd kept hidden from everyone: ones about
Chris. I think I was smart enough to go to bed, but still under the
influence, I wrote a letter more emotionally in-depth than I knew
possible. In the letter which I sent to Liz for proofreading via MySpace, I
described my all out feelings for Chris. I think at that point I realized I
loved him, which was stated in the letter as "falling for you." I fought my
emotions bitterly but as spring break drew nearer, they grew. Chris never
responded to my letter in depth. There was some passive bullshit he gave me
that screamed with venomous rejection. I knew at that point that he no
longer felt for me.
	"Now here I am, in his dorm, on his couch. He's asleep right now,
but my feelings have been driving me insane. I find him cute, hot, sexy,
and irresistible all at the same time, and all the emotions are
overwhelming me. I get jealous about other guys, but can't help but wonder
what's wrong with ME. Why am I not attractive enough to at least get a
one-night-stand? Fuck, at this point, I'd even take a sympathy screw. But
no. I'm just Patrick. I'm inherently made from stone and don't read into
jokes or get jealous. I'm void of feelings, according to his actions."
	By this point, I began to shake. I pulled back the tears that stung
at my eyes and threatened to fall. Then I sucked in a deep breath and
continued to write.
	"I'm not sure if he's just not understanding that I'm human too, or
if he's TRYING to hurt me. Well it hurts. Please stop. Because I honestly
don't know how much more I can take. I've completely fallen in love with
him, but I don't know how I can withstand the pain of not having him. It
hurts worse than any injury I've ever sustained, and it keeps me awake. It
tears at me when he talks to other guys. And it burns so hot when he looks
at me with eyes like the clearest of oceans. I can't take anymore of his
sexual jokes that are not intended as truth. So please, for my sake, stop
or love me."

--KB: IV