Date: Sun, 5 Feb 2012 12:52:57 +0200 From: Romy Harb Subject: Little Smile - Chapter 1 The characters and events in this story are completely fictional. Copyright 2012. All copyrights reserved He couldn't sleep. It's been a while that he was staying awake all night and then surrendering to sleeping pills so he could sleep all day. He's been at his parents' house two months now, and he still hasn't decided what to do with his life. He recovered from his depression so it's time to think about a major, a major that wouldn't be as hard as the previous one he dropped off, a major that he would like. He had in mind psychology, literature and philosophy, since he's been on the human sciences side. Actually he was better at sciences at school, but he was good at pretty much everything, that's why he decided he would make a great doctor. But it turned out to be very difficult for him to bear. And he kind of started losing his interest in studies. That boy had some issues; he's been on therapy a few years now, with medication. There was no particular reason; it's just that he had a few complexes: he didn't like to go out; he had trouble making friends, etc. He was too fragile so when life hit him he just couldn't take it. He then decided one day to go to that department at his university where they guide students, the orientation department. He talked with the counselor and discussed with him the options. He then left but wasn't so satisfied. The summer passed. He has already read a lot about psychology. He was determined: next thing in the morning he was going to ask about registration errands. He went to that department again since it also was the information department, and asked where to go if he wanted to register for psychology. A guy working there gave him a name, so he went and did the stuff. It happened that the same day he had an appointment at the shrink. He went and, unusually, was there on time. He waited outside like five minutes and the door opened, and came out a young guy who smiled at him and went away. Then the shrink said: come on in Paul. When that guy smiled he remembered: "Oh my, that's the guy who gave me the name at the department! What's he doing here?!" Actually there was something fishy about that smile. He started wondering: "Was it just a nice gesture or was it kind of more than that?" The smile just killed him and he couldn't take it off of his mind. In fact, he started remembering the guy's face: "Damn he looked so sad at the department. Indifferent. What a coincidence, seeing the same guy twice at the same day and at two different places. And then that smile!" He was looking for the last time at the list of majors at the university so he can make sure what he wants, then he stopped at a page of the manual: "Oh my God! That's him in the picture! So he's at human sciences too. I wonder if I will see him there. We might actually get to know each other. Wait, why am I obsessing with that guy? Oh, he's sitting with two girls, so he might be gay. I wonder what his name is. What am I saying?" He saw the guy another time at the shrink's, but that time Paul avoided looking at him. He started the major as fall came, and it's a month already. Everything seems fine, things are going slow, and he's not learning much yet. But still he hasn't seen that mysterious guy. See, Paul has learned not to fall in love or seek relationships or even hook ups for one night. He thought he might do better that way. And this guy isn't anything but a crush. Actually he thought that love eventually will always hurt, and sex appalls him: he liked sex but only as a fantasy, as seen in porn, but he considered that sex in real life is never as pleasant, is sometimes gross, is never satisfying and is never an expression of love when it's in a relationship context. So he waited for the right circumstances, he didn't want to search, he waited for the right guy to come and if they really wanted to, they can have sex. He always hoped that he'd see the guy at the shrink's, and then one day he came out of the shrink's office, but the shrink went to the toilet. He looked at Paul in a sympathetic way, Paul did the same but then looked away. So the guy left. That was over for Paul. There wasn't a chance. But then the lad came back in, so Paul looked perplexed, and then the young man said: "Hi, I'm Ryan. I know this is awkward, meeting here at the shrink's, but I remember you came at the department where I work and that you wanted to major in psychology, so you did?" - Yeah. - Great! I'm in psychology too. {smiling} So what's your name? - Paul. So how come you're not seen at the campus? - Oh I'm in forth year now so we don't take classes there anymore, we work on the field. - Okay. - Yeah, so I was thinking, since we both study the same thing maybe we could talk about it sometime. you know, share stuff. - Oh, okay. - Yeah, I'm coming to the faculty this Thursday - some errands - and I'm going to see my friends. so maybe I'll see you there? - Sure! Yeah! - Great." And as he was walking away, Paul said: "What time will you be there?" So Ryan replied with a big smile on his face: "I'll finish the stuff at around 12. Will you have class by then? - Oh I don't start on Thursdays till 3. - Good. Take care. - Okay." Ryan left and then after 10 seconds Paul mumbled: "You too."