Date: Tue, 25 Dec 2001 01:40:03 -0500 From: One Shy Rugrat Subject: College Section: Losing Myself - Chapter 2 - Mind boggling days Warning: This is a story about two boys falling in love. If it offends you, please don't continue reading. Copyrights@ 2001. One Shy Rugrat. All Rights Reserved. Chapter 2 - Mind boggling days The morning sun woke me up the following morning. It was a Saturday morning so I allowed myself to just lay in bed awhile longer. I thought about Sam. I wondered about what he was like. I imagined what I would like him to be like. Most important of all, if we were going to become friends, or maybe more. This troubled me. I started to worry if we were going to become friends. If he was going to like me or not. If he would be willing to befriend me. How I could impress him. After dwelling on such ideas for about fifteen minutes, I realized I was way too concerned with something that is too far down the road and decided to get up and have breakfast. And even as I was munching away on my corn pops, I couldn't get him and his cute dimples out of my head. That smile, such a mesmerizing sight. This was what I was afraid of, unable to withdraw myself from such a state of bewilderment. It is hard for me because in the back of my head, I knew I shouldn't be having this kind of feeling. It would seem like a century before anything in the romantic area would happen to me. Not that I don't want it to happen, but being gay doesn't help. Having to meet my first boyfriend at a gay bar is definitely not what I would imagine I would be doing. Even if I did, it wouldn't happen because I don't see myself stepping into a gay bar anytime soon. Maybe stepping into a bar would be a good start. Nope, probably not. What are you suppose to do if you don't even remotely like the smell of alcohol? As usual, I spent the day reading for about half an hour and napping for two. But this Saturday was extremely hard to get through as Sam kept jumping in to my mind. I decided to take a walk around the stores around campus late afternoon. I got to say, everything I did seemed to lead to Sam. I imagined having breakfast with Sam at MacDonald's, then I imagined going to the supermarket with him, and yes, doing literally everything with him. I felt sad. My conscience was once again reminding of all the guys I had fallen for and they all turned out straight. After returning to my room with my Starbucks caramel mocchacino, I once again engaged in my studies as Sam kept invading my mind every once in awhile. I remember back in highschool, I had a crush on a close friend and our friendship crashed into nothingness because I knew I couldn't be around him anymore, so I decided to just avoid him. The incident created great controversy amonst my friends because they thought he had done something horrible to me. At the end of the summer, I had finally told two of my best friends about myself affinity for both sexes. Luckily they thought nothing of it and we remain close 'til now. I thought saying I was bisexual was maybe a way to deny I'm being gay, but I do find some girls attractive, though very few. Having to get into a meaningless relationship and hurting otheres on my way of self discovery is an absolute taboo for me because I think my search of identity should not involve others' emotions. If I started to date a girl to test if I'm really straight, I would probably end up hurting her. For many years, my friends kept asking me why I didn't date anyone. It was an easy question to answer as they all knew, I was a maniac when it comes to my academics. All I had to say was, "School." and they would just let the subject drop. It was true too, but I won't mind if a nice person comes along and is willing to take care of me. The perfect guy would be mature and caring. Though I think looks is quite important, they don't have to look like Brad Pitt. I think the quieter guys are just as great looking as the jocks. Guys like Sam, of course. And that they would be more stable and dedicated. A stable relationship is, afterall, what everyone is looking for. I hope Sam would be the one to begin my romantic chapters of my life. For the next week, everyday at meal time I would try to find Sam but he sat away from my table. I always want to go and sit with him but I didn't want to be too obvious. Also, a few of the guys on my floor didn't like Sam. I didn't know why and I didn't care. I was determined to know him better. I would purposely go get more food in the kitchen just to pretend to run into him. He always gave me a quick smile and quickly walked away. I knew I would return to my table with a goofy grin on my face. Everyone else just seemed to have vanished and I would be self-absorbed into thinking the way he had smiled at me. I thought I was losing it. Beginning to believe I was becoming obsess about this mysterious guy, I started to look at our residence's student directory for his room number, email and phone number. I felt I was starting to emerge as some kind of stalker. But don't a lot of teenage girls do this sort of thing when they have a crush on someone? Satisfied with my own excuse for acting like a freak, I wondered if I should call him just to hear his voice. Sam, that name is becoming more intoxicating by the second... Yes, unfortunately, thats the end of Chapter 2. I hope you guys think its unfortunate. Hahaha. Anyway, hope you guys liked it and email me your thoughts and comments. If you guys just want to email me just to talk, thats fine too. Contact me at one_shy_rugrat@hotmail.com Have a MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!