Love's Given Up On Me: Part 1
Chapter 10: If dreaming is today
The sound was sudden, the front door closing rather harshly. I raised my head up off the pillow and looked at my alarm clock. The glowing red numbers saying, '2:48 am.' I shut my eyes again and leaned back into Logan, spooned up against my back, his chest inflating with each breath as I felt his arm subconsciously tighten around me. He nuzzled his face in my hair as I lazily mustered the strength to get up and see who it was at the door. I picked up Logan's arm and put a pillow in my place, his arms clutching it like a teddy bear. I sat up on the bed and rubbed my eyes as I got up.
"Fuck!" I said under my breath, my ass stinging as I attempted to walk. I chuckled as I told myself, 'well, love can be painful.... literately.' Well I guess love does make you do stupid things, well in my case, WANT to do stupid things. Even now I wouldn't mind waking Logan up and trying to attempt to impale myself in his canon of a cock.
Trying to forget about the discomfort between my ass cheeks I took a look at myself, realizing that Logan and I had fallen asleep in out pants, no biggie. The AC was on full blast since the afternoon.
I opened the door and found the small hallway empty. I took the few sluggish steps into the living room, my feet pounding on the carpeted floor as I tired to brush off the pain as it tore at my still aggravated hole. As I opened my eyes again I saw Terrance in the dark, still dressed and lying passed out on the couch. Looking over him was a bigger guy, maybe Logan's height and weight, he had on a running jacket and a dark colored baseball cap. He looked at me, even in the dark room I could still make out his face.
"What the hell are you doing here?" I said as I looked at him and then at Terrance blacked out on the couch.
"Well...uhh..." he muttered, "He passed out at the party and..."
"You brought him home," I finished for him.
"Yeah," he said as he looked back over at Terrance sleeping soundly on the couch.
I took a few steps forward, walking under the AC fan, the chill air almost biting at my bare chest and shoulders. I squinted as it blew my bangs into my face. He took a step back as if trying to stay in the shadows, he looked down as he said, "Well he's home....so I uh, better get going."
I watched him walk slowly to the kitchen table and placed Terrance's keys on it gently.
"Your other two friends left with a couple other guys....thought you should know," he said, his back to me as he opened the door. I was about to say 'thanks' when he quickly walked out and shut the door, softer than he had closed it when he entered. I stood there for a little bit as I tried to let it all sink it. So Terrance went to the keg party and I guess from what 'Mr. mysterious' said, Grant and Jeff went home with a couple of tricks. 'Typical,' I thought as I shook my head, rubbing my neck and walking back to the couch. As I got closer I could smell the alcohol off of him, vodka for sure. I contemplated on weather I should wake him. Well, least I could do was get him into bed.
I worked my arms underneath his knees and neck, picking him up with very little effort. Still completely passed out I carried him into the bedroom and placed him on his bed. I untied his shoes and pulled them off. Finding a spare blanket in the closet I threw it over him and finally crawled back into Logan's embrace, throwing the pillow he had in his arms back under my head.
What was Terrance thinking? He never gets so drunk that he passes out.... unless he's playing some drinking game with some 'hot' guy. And who was this guy that brought him home? I thought about it as I felt Logan's hold on me tighten. I felt his hot breath in my hair as he muttered, "What was that all about?"
I laughed on an exhale, "Terrance is home and he's in his bed."
Logan quickly got up on his elbow, looking over at Terrance still passed out, lightly snoring.
"He's drunk and blacked out," I said as he relaxed and fell back into bed.
"Uhh... some guy brought him home."
"Really?" he said rubbing his lips in my hair. He wasn't really paying attention to what I was saying as I felt his warm hands feel over my abs and then slip into the front of my jeans.
"Really," I said as I nestled back into his body, his chest hair brushing my bare back as he rubbed his parted lips against my neck. I don't know how he got my pants unbuttoned but the next thing I knew he was zipping down my fly as quietly as possible. I felt his colossal cock mount in his jeans and press into my ass, grinding gently as his lips now sucked on my neck.
"You think he's awake?" he whispered in my neck.
"Do you want him awake?"
"Well no, but it would be hot.... the thought of being caught."
I smiled to myself and got up out of bed, jumping out of his grasp and standing over him as I grabbed his hand, him giving me a look of 'what did I say?'
I held his hand tighter, "Well I'm not about to be caught by my best friend.... I'll never hear the end of it."
As I finished my statement I pulled him up and grabbed hold of him, "But the couch could still be fun."
Even in the dark I could still see his bright teeth as he smirked. As we walked into the living room I pushed him down on to couch. He landed, slouched there, his bare feet on the carpet as he grinned wide at me, his blue eyes almost flickering at me in the dark. My pants still open I pulled them and my boxer briefs off my hips, letting them fall to my ankles and then kicking them off.
"Fuck sleep," Logan said as he unbuttoned his own jeans, unzipping and then pulling them off past his knees, his 9 inches at full attention.
His jeans were clumped around his claves as I crawled onto the couch, straddling him as his hands immediately clutched my ass cheeks, kneading and spreading them as his monstrous rod nestled itself in the cleft of my ass, filling my entire crack and more. I kissed him slowly as he lightly began to stroke my crack with his cock.
"Mmmmm," I moaned into his kiss as his hands squeezed my ass harder. This felt good, even if he wasn't fucking me, his cock still belonged there. My arms around his neck held his head next to mine, kissing him as I ground my ass back into his thick 9 inches.
"Oh.... Ethan, Fuck!.... Mmmm..... yeah...." he breathed as I let his face go.
I couldn't sleep. This was all I had on my mind. Maybe a little pleasure would wash away the pain.
Now this was my idea of a midnight snack, Ethan straddling my lap as he ground into me, my cock filling his entire crack. I breathed heavily into his neck, past his Adam's apple as I laid my head back onto the couch. I licked at the cords of his neck as I let my tongue venture farther, biting and sucking on his pecs. I stuck my tongue out farther as I reached his nipple, hard and protruding. I swathed it with my tongue as his grinding went even heavier, one of his hands came around and pulled my face into his pec. I opened my mouth as I sucked his nipple between my teeth.
"Awwwhhh..... A'ahhhh...." he gasped as I chewed on his flesh, his ass cheeks now clenching at my tool grinding up and down his crack. His body tasted even better after sex, my hands now gripping at his inner thighs as he seized a fist full of my hair. His ass feeling so good with the grinding and stroking, being so fucking turned on at this point I don't think I even felt it as I realized that I was coming right there in the living room. I moaned and groaned as I gnawed on Ethan's chest. The feeling tingling through my body as I shuddered, letting the final spurts dribble down my cock and down Ethan's back. He withered on top of me as I felt him unload onto my chest and neck.
"Fuck.... Logan.... fuck... that cock of yours.... feels good no matter what it does," he gasped as his chest pressed into my mouth, me giving it my departing nibbles. I let go of his raw nipple and began licking at the minute traces of cum that managed to land on his chest.
"I needed that, "Ethan said as he hung is head.
"Why's that?" I said as I looked up at him taking another long lick up his beautiful chest.
"cuz my ass still tingles."
I stopped mid-lick and looked down, talking a deep breath. Should he still be hurting? I know I felt just a little sore.... but painful? Not really. I then felt him bring my face back up, his meaty fingers pinching my chin.
"I told you not to worry," he said, giving me a disappointed look.
"Well I can't help it," I said, almost complaining, "The way we were...... just a minute ago.... I though you were ok."
He smiled back and wrapped his arms back round neck, "I'm fine, nothing unexpected."
I smiled back as he replied, "I'm gonna do it you know?"
"What?" I said as I caressed his waist and ass, his soft skin in contrast to my callused hands.
"Take you," he whispered.
"All of it," he smiled as he ran his tongue along his teeth.
"And how do you expect to accomplish that?" I asked, curious myself as to what he had planned. So far everything I had tried had obviously failed.
His lips curled as he leaned into me, "Let's worry about that later, I'm actually tired."
I let my head fall back onto the couch as he licked my neck right below my chin. He got up off me and grabbed his jeans, pulling them up but not buttoning them. I did the same as he looked back at me and winked, tossing his wadded boxer briefs at me. I wiped off my chest and abs, hoping it wouldn't cake into my chest hair. I then gently wiped my impressive white mess from Ethan's back, kissing his neck as I did so. He grabbed my hand and led me back to his room, throwing his now messy pair of boxer briefs into the dirty laundry. He pulled me back unto his bed as I think he fell immediately back to sleep.
I laid there as I waited for the sleepy feelings, Ethan back in my arms. I held him closely to me as I wondered if things would be better if I had an average sized dick. I wouldn't have this problem with Ethan, would I? I let my hands feel down and up his arm. Fucking him or not, he still made me cum like nothing else. I think all I had to do was touch him to feel like I needed to explode. Well better go to sleep and quit worrying, if we were gonna have fun tomorrow night I better be a least well rested.
I lay in bed as I watched Terrance, waiting for him to wake up with the biggest hang over of his life. I was at the edge of my bed as I began to think about how much time Logan was spending here. Come to think about it, he spent half the nights here in my bed, which by the way wasn't very big. Plus he had his toothbrush here and a few of his clothes, not to mention like a weeks worth of clean underwear in my sock drawer. He practically lived with us. It hit me again that Grant and Jeff were thinking about moving to San Diego with my brother Kyle. And that meant that me and Terrance were stuck here with a 800 dollar apartment to split between the both of us. I wonder if Logan could..... no, he couldn't. He had to stay in the dorms, at least until the semester was over. If he did move in with me.... wait, that's a big step. For me and Logan that'd be like engagement.... if not marriage.
The sun felt warm as it filled the room, it was maybe 7:00 in the morning. And like every morning I had to take a monster piss. I got up as I left Logan alone holding onto nothing but air. The guy could sleep through a bomb blast I swear. Well the pain had gone down, it didn't hurt anymore but I could still feel it in a dull sort of way.
As I walked back into the bed room I found only Terrance still in bed, Logan was gone. I walked back into the living room and then the kitchen. I found the refrigerator door open and Logan crouched, digging around for something to call breakfast. His hair was a mess, his bread a grown back in no time and he was still half dressed, typical Logan.
I folded my arms and leaned against the wall as I watched him. Still searching he said, "You have all this food and still..... there's nothing to eat."
He finally turned and looked at me as he stopped rummaging and smirked, ".... except for you."
I let the corner of my lips curl into a crooked smile, "I'm not on the menu... at least not till later."
He got up and closed the door, "Then what do you suggest? I'm starvin'."
"So glad I don't play football... then I'd be eating 5 meals a day."
I strolled up to him and took hold of his hand, "let's take a shower first... then we'll see if we can't fix this food problem."
My god, I think the only reason me and Ethan even took showers together was just to find an excuse to get naked and fool around like the horny 19 year olds we were. I think we only spent the last 2 minutes out of the 15 minute shower actually getting clean.
As we walked back into Ethan's room I found that Terrance was still asleep. Wow, that boy could drink. I fallowed Ethan to his dresser as he pulled out the clothes he was going to wear. Next to his clothes inside the drawer, washed and neatly folded were a few of the clothes I'd been leaving here. I don't know what the feeling was but I liked the idea of us sharing a dresser drawer, made me feel like I could be with him at every moment, like I belonged in his life.... in a significant way.
He pulled out two of my shirts, "Ok, grey long-sleeve shirt or blue t-shirt?" he said as held them out. Still in my towel I grabbed the long-sleeve, a nice change from all the t-shirts I wore. I put it on and pulled my sleeves up so the scrunched around my forearm. I pulled a clean pair of jeans on as I watched Ethan dress as comfortably as possible in a black t-shirt and loose jeans, his hair longer than it had ever been still slightly damp as it fell forward at times, covering his face. I stood there entranced by him, just like before. But now, I had no need to hide it.
The both of up finally dressed we looked back at Terrance, still sound asleep. Ethan grabbed his cap and gestured me to fallow him outside the room.
"You ready?" he said as he slipped his cap over his head obscuring his face.
"For......?" I asked drawn out.
He punched me in the arm rather firmly as he smiled and said, "You wanted something to eat right?"
"Yeah...." I said as he slowly took a few steps backwards toward the dinning room table and snatched Terrance's car keys.
He dangled them from his fingers as he grinned, looking up at me from under the visor of his cap.
"His fault for coming home dead drunk."
I laughed as he lightly tossed them in the air and snatched them in front of his face, "Come on, we'll be back before he gets up."
I got out of the car first after we parked in front of the local Supermarket, glad to finally be on my own two feet. Ethan got out and walked around as I leaned against the car taking a few rapid deep breaths, "This is Tucson traffic, Ethan.... not the Daytona 500."
He smiled and laughed under his breath, "I wasn't going that fast.... was I?" he asked, looking up at me, his cap still hiding some of his face.
I stared, smiling at him as I nodded. He then shrugged, "Maybe cuz it's not my car.... sorry babe."
He swung his hand gently forward, letting his fingertips slightly brush the back of my hand. My smile went from humored to heartfelt, the look in his eyes telling me lingeringly that even though we were in public, that didn't mean that we weren't together.... and that he was sorry for the speeding.
As we walked inside he jogged ahead of me and grabbed a shopping cart, inspecting it as I caught up to him.
"You know if you don't check you always end up with the shitty one," he said as he looked satisfied with the cart he had chosen. The place looked like it was still opening, with hardly any people shopping, normal Sunday morning I guess. We walked down the produce isle as he started picking out oranges. Still putting them in a bag he said, "Steve thinks I should start strength training," he looked up at me as he finished.
"Well, a little more muscle doesn't hurt," I said as I grabbed the bag of oranges from him and placed them in the cart, flexing my bicep as I said so. I got a smiling reaction, "And... it's not like you really need it."
To me his body was perfect, not too big and defiantly not too small, and sexy as hell when he wasn't hiding it. And to think, I had him all to myself.
"So you wanna go with the gym with me then? Or will your jock friends protest?.... I mean.... my life doesn't exactly revolve around membership fees and protein shakes," he said as he tossed an apple at me. I caught it single handedly and threw it in the bag with the oranges.
I grinned as I said jokingly, "Ethan Harrison... are you asking me out on a date?"
He laughed at my reply, "Yeah, the weight room is the new romantic getaway."
I chuckled as I pushed the cart past him so we stood next to each other, "You'll fit in just fine, besides if any one talks shit I'm sure you can put 'em in their place, and yes... I'll go to the gym with you."
He looked down at the floor and then at me, his eyes hiding under his hat as he said, "Ok then."
We started walking through the next isle as I looked at the bread selection, "Think Terrance wants toast?"
Ethan grabbed a generic store brand, "Maybe," he said as he dropped it in the cart and took hold of the handle bar. I watched as he jogged a few strides and stood up on it, leaning forward and riding the cart as I rolled down the isle. I grabbed a jar of jam and took off after him. In the main isle I found him looking at sports drinks on sale. As I began to approach him I watched a couple of girls, stereotypical college bimbos look at him and giggle as they took another glace. I know I said I'd be fine with girls looking at him, it's a fact of nature, but the more I let the thought sink in.... the more I realized, I didn't like it. If we were 'out' I could just, maybe grab his hand and tell all the on-lookers to fuck off. But for now, all I could do was bite my lip and endure it for as long as I could.
"Hey speed racer," I said behind him as he turned and looked at me. At least he only smiled at me.
So far we'd been wandering the grocery store for about half an hour. We'd grabbed all the usual breakfast fixins'; pancake mix, eggs, bacon, and oj. We were walking past the meat department when Logan stopped and let me stroll a few feet until he said, "Hey, how 'bout some cereal?"
He disappeared down the isle before I could say that Terrance already had a stash in our room, boxes of cereal with masking tape that said in big letters, 'T's cereal.' As I shook my head at him as I noticed another guy out of the corner of my eye; tall, skinny, with a sparsely filled shopping basket, looking at me every so often as he pretended to look at hamburger meat. I ignored him the best I could as I began to worry that maybe what all my friends were telling me was true, that it was obvious that me and Logan were together, in love, happy, and scary of all..... not at all straight. So could this guy tell? Did he notice that I was in love with Logan, a guy? That I was gay?
My mind began to slightly panic when I heard a familiar voice, a deep resonating voice, "Ethan?"
I turned and looked around until I noticed a big guy holding a gallon of milk looking at me. I smiled as he approached, "Hey Garrett."
He looked into mine and Logan's shopping cart as he asked, "Isn't a little early for two college freshmen to be up on a Sunday?"
"Yeah well...." I answered, "So where's Dave at?"
He looked behind him, "Uhh.... he should be back soon, went for some steak sauce."
"Well, milk and steak sauce, sounds like some breakfast you got planned."
"Your usual jarhead breakfast," Garrett's smile went cheesy. It still scared me a little, a guy his size and as masculine as he was... he just didn't look like the type of guy to smile, maybe because I still thought of him as the hard ass Marine Gunnery Sergeant. I also noticed that underneath it all he seemed a little on edge about something.
"So.... you guys gettin' ready for Thankgiving?" I asked as I think Garrett scared my admirer away.
Just then Logan appeared, looking at the two boxes of cereal he was carrying, "What do you think Ethan? Lucky Charms or Cap'n Crunch?"
He finally looked up at me as he noticed Garrett standing there. His smile went big, "Hey... Garrett, how you been?"
"Uhh.... Ok....You could say," Garrett said hesitatingly, me and Logan giving him a somewhat confused look, something was bugging him.
"Dave's parents are comin' to stay with us for the holiday. And their only reason for visiting is to make me feel like the most unsuitable partner for their son."
"Why?" Logan asked as he threw both boxes of cereal in the cart.
"Cuz I'm not a woman," Garrett said almost as a joke.
Logan laughed and I tried to hold my laughter in.
"You? Hard ass Marine? A woman?" I asked, chuckling as I said it.
"Ex-marine...," he commented, "and uhh.... yeah I know, but.... Dave loves 'em, they're his parents. And I'm willing to put my ego on ice for him."
As Garrett finished his statement Dave walked up behind him and pushed him lightly, "Hey Sgt. Drake, see you found some company."
"Hey Dave," Logan said excited as I just kinda nodded at him.
"So what are you two doin' here?" Dave asked as I watched in almost slow motion, his hand fall into Garrett's grip. Logan's smile shrunk as I tried to avert my eyes. No way, no, no, they aren't doing this here. Even thought the four of us made up half the people here in the store, it felt like we were in the middle of campus at lunch hour, and even if it wasn't Logan and I holding hands, just being with Garrett and Dave while they were felt just as frightening. Logan didn't seem bothered but I on the other hand knew I was nervous about anyone seeing US, THEM.
It seemed that the three of them were carrying on small talk when Logan gave me a worried look. I tired to smile it off as I refocused on reality and noticed that I had all eyes on me, Logan's soft stare striving to settle my nerves.
"Somethin' wrong?" Dave asked as I threw a smile back on my face.
"No....no.... I uh....nothin'," I said as I tried to inconspicuously see if anyone was watching us.... no one.
I felt a sigh of relaxation run through my veins as Garrett smiled back at us, "Well you two boys stay out of trouble and.... we'll see you later."
Dave grinned at us both as they walked down the isle and left Logan and I alone. I looked back at the cart and slowly began pushing again. How did they do it? And why didn't it scare the shit out of them? Something told me that it couldn't be just 'they didn't care.' It couldn't be that easy. Ethan, you're such a chicken shit. You weren't even the one holding hands and still you freaked like it was the fucking end of the world..... Would it kill you so much to let the world know that the guy next to you made you the happiest mother-fucker alive?
"Hey," Logan said, his voice pulling my eyes to his, looking at me with a piercing icy blue. As messed up as the world could be, he made me feel like it was somehow, unexplainably bearable.
I half smiled at him as I took off my cap and ran my fingers through my hair as he asked, "So what else are we missin'?"
We walked out of the store with about three bags each, Ethan just staring at the pavement as I fallowed him. What was bugging him? I wish that he would just tell me other than letting it get to him. Something was telling me that it had something to do with Garrett and Dave's little 'public display of affection.' I'll admit, I was a little thrown, but knowing Ethan, I'm sure he freaked. We got in the car and threw the bags in the back, Ethan and I buckling our seatbelts as he started the car, the blasting rock music turned low.
"Well..... unexpected meeting them there..." I said as I rested my hands on my knees and smiling warmly at him, hoping he'd smile back.
I heard Ethan's seatbelt unclick as I watched him lean over and with one hand, pull my face to meet his. His kiss was nervous but warm, brave but brash. I felt the need and want mixed in as well as I kissed him tenderly, gently as possible, trying not to let my beard scuff away at his skin. With my eyes still closed I felt his lips let mine go as he still held my face, our noses barely touching.
I opened my eyes to see him slowly open his. He bit his lip to keep it from quivering, "Logan... I-..... I'm sorry I freaked....."
He closed his eyes again, "I just wish we were like Garrett and Dave...."
I leaned forward and kissed him lightly to keep him from saying anything else, "You don't mean that.... I'm happy just the way we are."
His face went slightly surprised. He smiled as he looked down, his forehead still touching mine.
"Insecurities and all," I said as he looked back up at me. His lips curled into a smile as I took the initiative, letting my lips and breath sweep across his. Whether he knew it or not, our time would come. We'd be like Garrett and Dave, have that security and that confidence. Even though in a fight he needed no one to protect him, I loved it when he needed me to make him feel safe.
'Logan..... make it all go away.' His kiss felt like morphine, chasing away any panic or fear that ailed me, which lately have been a lot. And right now, I needed his kiss more than anything else.
"You feelin' better?" he asked, coaxing my eyes open. I nodded and smiled as he softly began to sing along to the radio to some modern rock ballad.
"... heaven's dead when you get sad....I see your wishes fly...." he sang as he hummed the rest of the melody. 'Retard,' I told him in my head. At least he made me smile, and... I guess I did feel better.
We both stared at each other as neither of us noticed the car pull up across from us. A nearly deserted parking lot and of all the spaces they had to park in front of us. Logan and I finally looked out to see a senior couple take notice of the two young men in the car in front of them about to go for another make out session. '...fuck...' I thought as I realized they knew exactly what Logan and I were all about. But surprisingly..... they smiled back at us, or at Logan, I had a somewhat stricken look on my face. The woman grabbed her husbands arm as they gave us another smile and walked towards the supermarket entrance.
"That wasn't so bad was it?" Logan said as he finally sat back into the passenger seat.
I looked at the steering wheel for a split second, then at Logan, "No... I guess not."
My first semi-public kiss with Logan and I didn't even have it planned. I laughed under my breath as Logan began to chuckle.... I guess when you think about it, it was pretty funny.
We got back to apartment as I tried not to speed... too much. Logan and I jumped out of Terrance's car and raced to the apartment door carrying the grocery bags.
"Sick fuckers..." was all we heard as we opened to door to see Terrance sitting at the table with a cup of water and a split bottle of aspirin. His voice groggy as he looked up at us with dark circles around his eyes, still dressed in the clothes he slept in and still reeking of vodka.
I threw his keys back on the table, "Oh quit your bitching" I said, putting the grocery bags on the table as well.
Logan started unpacking as Terrance took another sip of water, "Sorry you two, I thought you were Jeff and Grant."
Logan let out a deep laugh as he placed the orange juice, milk, butter and bacon in the fridge. I bunched up a grocery bag and threw it at Terrance's face. He didn't even attempt to catch it as it rolled off his nose. Well, it's obvious he was paying for last night.
"So what happened?" I asked I walked over to Logan who was in the kitchen pulling out a mixing bowl for pancakes.
"Those fuckers left me for cock....." he said as he turned in his chair to face us.
"...bitches..." he said under his breath.
Me and Logan looked at each other. Must have been some night... at the party at least.
Terrance looked like shit. The former soft curls of his hair were now everywhere. His lips were dry and his eyes had seen better days. Even though he slept almost all morning he was having the mother of all hangovers, one reason why I don't drink. Well, at least he was gonna get some breakfast. I decided that I was gonna be the one that was going to make the pancakes. That meant Ethan had bacon duty.
"So where did Jeff and Grant go anyways?" Ethan asked as he messed with the bacon packaging, trying to rip it open with his teeth.
I chuckled at him as Terrance answered, "They found themselves a pair of guys from the Air Force base..... and you can guess what they all had in mind."
Ethan finally had the bacon opened as I dumped the mix into the mixing bowl and started pouring in the milk
Ethan turned to me, "So don't expect to see 'em until noon."
"Oh, ok," I said as I popped a couple of eggs into the batter and started the mixer.
"So.... what about you?" Ethan said as he started heating up the frying pan, "Why didn't you go home with anyone?"
Terrance scoffed at him, blowing his bangs out of his face, "I was more intent on getting drunk than getting some.... but that doesn't mean that there weren't any possibility at the party."
Ethan raised an eyebrow at him as the sizzle of the bacon started.
"Anyways, there was this asshole who kept telling me that I'd had enough to drink and offered to drive me home...."
"And...?" Ethan asked, flipping the bacon over, the sizzle getting louder.
"I dunno.... I uh, think I passed out after that..." he moaned as he held his forehead and closed his eyes, must have been the head ache.
Ethan looked at me and gave me an amused look as I remembered Ethan mentioning that some guy brought him home this morning. I wonder if Terrance knew that.
"So....." Ethan said excited, "How'd you get home?"
Terrance looked up surprised, his mouth open and his eyes almost vacant. It was obvious he had no idea.
"You know what.... I don't remember driving at all," he said trying to work a smile, which turned out to be an uncomfortable one.
Ethan had the bacon all cooked and on a plate while he opened the fridge and pulled out the carton of orange juice, kicking the fridge door closed when he finished.
"So you don't remember eh?" he said as he placed the bacon and orange juice on the table. I flipped another pancake as Terrance shook his head in embarrassment.
"Well I had a run in with someone this morning.... in the living room at about 3," Ethan said as he walked back over to me and watched me flip another pancake.
I brought my arm around his waist as Terrance asked from across the dinning room into the kitchen, "What?.... who?"
Ethan gripped my shoulder as he looked over at Terrance, "I dunno, maybe this 'Asshole' you mentioned had the decency to bring you home."
Terrance looked stunned, "So he was here?"
Ethan smiled as he said, "Yeah, drove your car apparently."
Terrance sighed and looked down at his lap, "I'm never drinking again."
Ethan dropped his forehead on my shoulder, trying to hide his face from Terrance as he laughed, "Never gonna happen," he said as he calmed down.
"So who was this guy?" I asked as I finished flipping my last pancake.
Terrance's face went pensive, "All I remember was that he.... was a nice guy."
"A nice guy?" Ethan asked, "That's all you can remember?"
"Hey I was drunk," Terrance said in his defense, "he was nice."
"So what did this 'nice guy' look like exactly?" I asked as I began to rummage through the fridge looking for the syrup and butter.
"Uhh... brown hair, blue eyes.... exactly my type," Terrance said, smiling and for once not looking like it was painful.
"So... what stopped you?" Ethan said taking a seat across form Terrance.
"Well he was just..... too nice," Terrance replied.
"And nice is bad?" Ethan asked as I brought the pancakes over to the table along with the maple syrup and butter.
"No, nice isn't bad.... it's just I dunno, he seemed really into me and I didn't want to do anything in the shape I was in last night," Terrance said looking at the empty plate I placed in front of him.
I placed two pancakes on his plate. He looked at them and then at me, "Logan, these are seriously the ugliest looking pancakes I've ever seen," he looked at them again, "If you weren't practically married to my best friend I'd have you shot."
Just then Ethan tossed a bacon piece at Terrance, hitting him right between the eyes, "Shut up.... we made you breakfast."
"They aren't ugly?" I said in defense of my culinary skills, "...Are they?"
Ethan chuckled under his breath as Terrance nodded at me with a weak smile. Well I guess if lopsided, non-circular, partially burnt pancakes were ugly then, I guess my pancakes were ugly. That's ok, I still liked cooking.
"Well you two go have fun, I'm gonna go pass out again," Terrance said as he stacked his now empty dishes and all but crawled back into the bedroom. I shook my head as he walked away.
"He's not gonna be back to normal 'til tomorrow, right?" Logan asked, grabbing my attention as he dropped his fork on his plate and scooted his chair back.
"Yeah," I said as I got up and walked towards him. And before he could get up I swung my leg over his lap and straddled him in his seat. He grinned as I dropped my head and kissed him deeply, his mouth welcoming my invading tongue, his large hands gently gripping my waist as I squeezed his thick shoulders.
"Thanks for breakfast," I said as he smiled big, "Pancakes were great."
I watched him blush a little at my compliment. Well, he did do a good job cooking. They weren't the best looking pancakes, but in the end it's all about taste, and it was Logan who made them, that was all that mattered to me.
He looked up from my chest and sat up straight, "So... we now officially have the day off. No fucking football practice for me and no training for you."
I moved my hands around his neck, stroking the hair on the back of his head. His hands holding me in place as I thought.
"Hmm... why don't we get out of the house and.... let's see where we end up... that ok with you?" I asked, looking up at him as I lowered my head.
He smiled as he moved his head closer, closing the gap between our bodies, reminding each other that once we were out that door, nothing else could happen between us. I wanted Logan to know that even thought we weren't 'out' we were still in love.
The occasional car sped by as Logan and I walked along the sidewalk, enjoying each other's company a great deal more than the late morning heat. But it was cooling down as the winter months were coming up fast. I had coaxed Logan into coming out and just wandering with me as we meanderingly killed time walking to a somewhat unknown destination. I had a small idea of where we were headed, although I didn't say anything to Logan. I wanted it to be somewhat of a surprise.
I listened to him talk about his family as I swung my skateboard at my side, carrying it for once and enjoying the stroll. It reminded me of the first days we met. It felt like a daydream and I was really half asleep in math class.
"Ok, let me get this. You have 2 brothers, Matt and Kurt, and one sister, Camille, Cammy, right?" I asked, smiling as Logan nodded at me.
"Matt is 26, married to ahh.... Holly. Kurt is 23, single, just graduated from College. You're 19....."
"Involved," he said, adding his bit of important information as he grinned at me, making me blush.
"....And Camille is 17, still in high school. Did I get it all, Kenneth?" I asked.
He gave me a sour look. He hated his first name. But I said it anyways. Deep down I knew he loved it when I called him Kenneth.
"So what about your siblings? Are they as good-lookin' as you are?" he said as he smirked at me, his hands in his pockets as he eyed me up and down. Why was I dating a total perv? Maybe all football jocks WERE the same! Anyways, I'm sure he meant it as a joke.
"Hmmm...." I looked up as I readjusted my cap, "Well... I have 4 older sisters..."
"They hot?" he asked, licking his lips, teasing me again.
"You're mine damn it!" I said as I knocked him in the shoulder, "And no, they're not hot, they're annoying."
He laughed it off as he rubbed his shoulder. He was a big guy. He could a take all the rough play I could throw at him. I shook my head and laughed as he grinned back at me. He was fine.
"OK ok, if I ever do meet your sisters I will remind myself that I am exclusively yours," he said as I watched the pride swell up within him. I wanted to stop, throw him against the wall and give him the hardest kiss I had. I wanted him to hold my body against his and let me devour his mouth. Wanted the world to disappear and let us be the only two people in the city street. But I didn't do anything.... all I could do was give him a smile and hope he understood completely.
I looked back at the sidewalk as I tried to remember what we had been talking about.... oh yeah, my sisters. I smiled to myself as I remembered each one of them.
"Well, the 4 drama queens are Avery, Morrigan, Kat and Natalie."
"They all older?"
"Yeah, they made life a living hell for me and Kyle. If Satan had four wives they would be Avery, Morrigan, Kat and Natalie," I said as I smiled up at Logan, "I feel sorry for my brother-in-laws, they're good guys.... I don't know why God is punishing them."
He laughed as he said, "You're just saying that cuz they're your sisters."
I grinned and then looked back out at the street in front of us, "Yeah, maybe."
We walked to the corner and found ourselves in front of the movie theater.
"Here we are," I said as I took off my cap and looked at Logan.
"I know its a little cliché, but I didn't bring any clothes to play basketball... and neither did you," I said as I nodded towards the open high school courts on the other side of the street. Movies or sports, it didn't really matter as long as I was with my boyfriend, and seeing Logan you'd think sports over movies.
He looked at me and nodded as we slowly continued to walk towards the theater.
"You know, I was gonna ask you to go to the movies but....."
"But...." I asked, hitting him lightly with my board. He chuckled nervously.
".... I dunno, I though maybe you'd think it was too.... conservative..." he sighed, shaking his head, "Maybe conservative's not the right word.... like the movies would be a place that a guy takes his girlfriend.... not his boyfriend."
I looked back at him as I put my cap back on, "I enjoy the movies."
"Me too..." he said softly.
"And believe me, they'd be a whole lot better if I was there with you."
We looked at the movies listing as Ethan began digging into his back pocket for his wallet.
"Hey, I got it...." I said as he froze and looked me surprised as I pulled out my own wallet. He shouldn't be paying when he has other bills to pay. Me on the other hand lived in the dorms, that and my dad gives me money like it grows on trees. I dunno, maybe he thinks that money will make up for all the missed birthdays and earn him some sort of forgiveness. I don't know about my brothers and sister, but I accepted the fact that we came second in his life, only to his job.
"So.... comedy beef or cannibal horror movie?" I said I pulled out a twenty dollar bill, "You pick."
"Since you're paying?" he said as he smiled back at me and held his board behind his head. I nodded at him. He shrugged and looked back at the list of movie matinees.
We waited in line and finally made it to the cashier. As I paid she looked at the both of us and smiled suspiciously. Oh please don't tell me she knew just by looking at us, but then again two guys going to the movies together, two guys who looked like they had nothing in common but each other. That didn't kinda did spell 'date' right there. I dunno, maybe I'm just paranoid. I really didn't care if they had ideas about me, but I did worry about what they thought about Ethan. He could punch a guy if he ever called him a fag. As she handed me the tickets she looked at Ethan and then his skateboard.
"I'm sorry sir, but you can't take that inside," she said smiling nervously at him.
"Oh... ahh ok," he said as held it out and looked around, "So where do I put it?"
She pointed to the doors and we saw an usher there looking straight at us. Ethan frowned and held his skateboard out for him to take.
"You'll get this back at the end of you visit sir," the usher said as we walked by and into the theater.
"Do I look like a 'sir' to you?" Ethan said as he took off his hat and looked up at me, his brown eyes glowing in the dimmed sunlight, his hat hair making him all the more attractive.
"Well, no...." I said as I tried to focus on something else other than my boyfriend's dashing good looks.
"So I look like a miss?" he said as joke.
"NO... its just 'sir' makes any guy sound old," I replied as I pulled my wallet back out and held it in front of Ethan.
"I gotta take a leak," I said as he took my wallet and laughed under his breath at me, "I'll be really quick, I promise. And uh... get something to eat."
I pointed to the concession stand as Ethan put my wallet in his pocket. I turned around and jogged towards the men's room. Inside I quickly maneuvered myself around all the bodies and made it to the urinal. Ahhh.... finally. I was in the middle of my piss when I saw a guy walk up to the empty urinal beside me.
"Hey Rian, what's up?"
"Hey....." I said I smiled, surprised to see him there, "Paul Keiser, what the hell are you doin' here?"
Paul was another teammate I had, his bright blonde hair made him stand out along with his medium brown eyes. We didn't really talk to each other. He was just another sophomore on the team.
He finished up and zipped up his short cuts, "I uh... I'm here with a friend. How 'bout you?"
"Uh..." I felt guilty saying it, but I knew now wasn't the time to go telling everyone that asked, 'I'm here with my boyfriend.'
"I'm here with a friend too," I said as I weakly smiled and buttoned up my pants.
I wiped my hands dry on my jeans as I walked out of the restroom with Paul.
"So you ready for the last game of the season?" Paul asked as he looked around, most likely for his 'friend.'
"Yeah I guess so. I probably won't even get on the field."
"Yeah, that sucks, but once Racker graduates it's all you."
"Yeah," I said as I finally found Ethan standing in the concession line.
"Well I ah... better go," I said as I began to slowly walk to where Ethan was on the other side of the lobby.
"Yeah, me too," Paul said as he slowly walked towards the other end of the theater.
Funny meeting him here. That was probably the only time we've ever really talked. Other than Scott and Adam, I really didn't associate myself with the football team outside of practice. But I wonder, Scott said he thought Paul was... well, that he played for 'MY' team. Well I had no clue when it came to identifying other gay guys, and neither did Ethan. But what was kinda scary was that maybe other gay guys had clues about us. Maybe it didn't really matter if the gay community knew all about Logan Rian and Ethan Harrison.
I stood there and looked at the menu. Large popcorn or medium? Well that depends on how much Logan could eat.... Large, definitely. As I got closer to the front I reached into my front pocket and pulled out Logan's wallet, weathered, black leather, must be old. I opened it up and found a good 200 in 20 dollar bills. Well all I can say in my defense is that I'm not dating him for his money. I looked at the rest of his wallet, at his credit card, school ID and then his driver's license. I pulled it out of the sleeve and took a good look at his photo. I guess back in Colorado he still looked like the scruffy, rugged lumberjack with the cheesy smile.
As I put his license back I noticed a warn dollar bill hanging out. I pulled it out and unfolded it. 'Ethan 978-1763' I said in pen, scribbled in my handwriting. He kept it. I had no idea at the time I wrote this that things would end up the way they had. It made me smile that he guarded it the way he did. It looked like it had been read a hundred times over, the folds were tearing and the ink seemed faded. I folded it back up and gently tucked it back behind his driver's license. Don't I have the most charming boyfriend.
Just then Logan appeared beside me, "You pick something yet?"
"Uh.... gonna go popcorn and coke?" I said as I handed him back his wallet.
He looked at it and then smiled at me as he took it slowly. I guess he knew that my curiosity got the best of me and I went digging through it.
"Sounds good," he said he stuffed his wallet back into his back pocket, "just get me a large Mt. Dew."
We walked into the movie room and looked around for a few empty seats. Lucky for us it was practically empty. I walked up the stairs with my coke, Logan fallowing me with the tub of popcorn and his large Mt. dew. We got to the top and took our seats in the middle of the back row, no one near us.
"The back? Harrison.... what do got planned?" Logan said, smiling at me in the dimly lit room.
"Nothin'," I said as I slouched and threw my feet up on the seat it front of me, "just kinda nice being by ourselves, that's all."
He gave me a coy smile as he sipped away at his soda. Secluded and alone, I was going to enjoy this opportunity.
I watched Ethan as he took off his cap and placed it on his knee, the lights fading as the movie started. The room almost dark I felt his head rest on my shoulder, his hair brushing my neck and ear as he reached over and took a handful of popcorn. He looked up at me, the tiny shards of light reflecting in his dark eyes. I stretched my arm around his shoulder and let my head rest against his. This felt good, inside and out.
No one bothered us as we sat there in the back of the theater, the movie rolling as he just let me hold him in my arm, my other hand holding his. At one point I think he fell asleep as he nuzzled the side of his face into my shoulder. By the end of the movie our drinks had turned to half melted ice and what was left of the popcorn were crumbs.
We got up and separated as the lights brightened. The credits rolling as he slowly let my hand go to grab his empty cup. His smile almost saddened as we stood there, separated.
"Come on, you lug, it's a long walk back," he said as he lovingly punched me in the chest. I laughed and smiled back at him as we walked with the few other people out of the movie room. Along the way I grabbed Ethan's cup from him and threw it away along with my cup and the tub. As we opened the doors and walked into the theater hall, Ethan elbowed me gently in the side.
"Look," he said as he nodded at a couple of guys at the other end of the hall almost yelling taunts in each other's faces, the beginning works of a fight. I turned and watched as I noticed one of the guys was Paul. Paul!? What the fuck was he doing?
"Paul?..... Stay here," I said, placing my palm on Ethan's chest as I quickly walked then jogged towards the fighting ring that was about to ensue.
As I approached I watched as the guy pushed Paul pretty hard. Paul pushed him back and then it happened. The guy's fist flew and crashed into Paul's temple. I stopped, frozen as I watched in utter shock, sure that my mouth was open. Did that just happen? Paul staggered as the guy taunted him again, "Faggot," rung out into the hall as he spit on Paul as he got back up. Paul was a big guy and it would take a few heavy hits to take him out. What was this all about?
Just then a body raced by me, black t-shirt, Ethan. I watched as his cap flew off as he ran into the ring and got between Paul and his assailant. Ethan....no! I snapped myself out of the shock I was in. I raced to the fight, pushing aside a few of the onlookers.
"What the FUCK is your problem?" Ethan said, getting the guy's face.
"Move it pretty boy, my problems not with you," he said growling at Ethan as he looked over at Paul, cupping his eye as his companion held him up.
"MOVE IT!" he all but screamed at Ethan, attempting to grab at his shirt.
"DON'T FUCKIN' TOUCH ME!" Ethan said as he smacked the guy's hand off his shirt.
"Oh, you some faggot-lover huh?" he said as he pushed Ethan, "You like watchin' them mack on each other.... huh? You watch 'em hold hands?"
Ethan didn't say anything but just looked at him. He must have seen me there on the sidelines as he held his hand out, signaling me to stay back. Ethan, I hope you know what you're doing.
I looked over at Paul, who was still cupping his face, a guy holding him.... they were... together. It was obvious. And it was obvious this fight had something to do with it. I looked back at the asshole and Ethan. The guy must have had enough as he got ready to throw another punch. Ethan knew what was happening. I watched in slow motion as Ethan side-stepped, the guy lunging forward with his fist, flying right by Ethan. The next thing everybody saw were Ethan's hands on the guy's back and his knee in the guy's gut, the assailant's face showing shock and instant pain. Ethan knocked him down in one move.
The guy fell to his knees and then fell over, "ffuuuuuccckkkk," was all he could groan in pain as he clutched his stomach.
Ethan stood over him and shook his head. He then looked at me, an almost contrite look of victory on his face. He took the few steps towards me and to my complete surprise, he grabbed me by my neck and pulled me into him, our lips crashing together in front of everyone there. I brought one arm around his waist as I closed my eyes and I told myself, 'no, Ethan would never do something this brash, would he? I opened my eyes as our modest kiss ended. I looked at Ethan, a weak, nervous and scared smile on his face.
He dropped his hand from my neck and let it fall perfectly into my hand. He looked back at the asshole as he got back up slowly, processing all that had just happened.
"This 'faggot' just kicked your ass. Now get the fuck out of here!" Ethan sneered as he got up and walked out of the circle of on-lookers. Ethan glared at a few other guys, certain they were his friends. They stepped back and gestured that they didn't want any trouble and jogged off after their defeated friend.
I looked back at Paul as a few other people were checking if he was ok. One guy came running back form the concession stand with a bag of ice. Shit! Paul. Still holding Ethan's hand we jogged up to where Paul sat on a patted bench. What did he do to get himself into this much trouble?
Shock and Amaze. That seemed to be the theme as everyone stared at Paul and his 'friend' and then at me and Logan. A lot of them gave the praising look worthy of a hero, while others just looked confused. I still didn't really quite understand why I did what I did. But it was too late to do anything to change it. Shit! Was I ready for all this, all this.... attention? I tried to rewind it all, but all I could tell myself was that it happened so fast. There was no room for thinking, just action. I held onto Logan's hand tighter, hoping in some inexplicable way it would make me disappear. It only did the opposite.
Just then Logan gave me a worried look as he pulled me along as we ran up to where Paul sat holding a bag of ice to his face, his friend's arm around his shoulder.
"Keiser, you ok?" Logan asked as Paul opened his eyes.
"Yeah man, I'm fine," he said as he dropped the bag from his face. Whoa, that was gonna be ripe tomorrow.
"At least you're not bleeding," I said as I looked hard at the now visible bruise around the outside of his eye. Paul chuckled through his discomfort.
"Are you ok?" we heard as we all looked up to see the theater manager there looking at all of us.
"I just heard what happened, and let me reassure you that form what I hear it wasn't your fault," the manager explained as he looked at Paul and his companion, "Do I need to call for medical assistance?"
"No....no, I'm fine," Paul said as he got up, "Just a bruise, it'll take more than a punch to put me in the hospital."
"Ok then," the manager said, "So you're fine?"
"Yeah," Paul said as he took hold of his 'friends' hand.
I looked at the both of them. They didn't deserve this. I looked at Paul, his bright blonde hair and his friendly brown eyes. I'm guessing he was one of Logan's teammates. His build kinda said that. His 'date' was a smaller guy with reddish blonde hair and light brown eyes. They weren't hiding anything. I wonder what happened. How did they get mixed up with a guy like that?
I quickly ran to the front and retrieved my skateboard. I ran back and found Logan with Paul and his date walking out slowly. As I reached them I saw that Logan had picked up my cap.
"Hey Ethan, sorry about all this. Didn't really plan on getting you or Logan involved," Paul said as he smiled at me from under his ice pack.
"No, no problem."
I still wasn't sure how big the damage was, to my reputation or Logan's. Either way, quite a few people were gonna know. The question was, were they gonna care?
"Sorry, Paul right?" I said as he nodded back at me, "I don't think we've quite met."
"Yeah, Logan told me your name just now."
"Yeah, Logan said yours right before he stormed off, I just assumed you were Paul," I said as I grabbed Logan's hand, noticing a few other people take notice. I lowered my head and looked down at the carpet and then at Logan. All he did was smile back at me. It must be nice not having to worry. Oh Logan, did I do the right thing?
"Oh and uhh... this is Todd," Paul said, grabbing my attention as he looked at the guy in his other arm.
"Hey," I said as I nodded at him. Logan smiled at him as well.
"Nice to meet you guys," he said as he smiled shyly.
"He's a little timid, that all, it's our third date," Paul said, looking at us and then him.
"So what happened?" I asked as Todd and I pushed open the front doors.
"Well... you know how some people get when they see something they're not familiar with," Todd said as he pulled his car keys from his jeans.
"We...uhh... were holding hands and this asshole said a few things and threw a few pieces of popcorn as us.... as we were leaving," Paul said as we walked into the parking lot.
"I'd had enough and..... " he didn't finish his sentence, he didn't have to.
"Oh," was all I could say.
Why did some people react with such distain? Are we that much of a threat? So now that I'd come out to mostly total strangers, did I have to defend my feelings? All I knew for certain was that people were gonna talk. I was happy being invisible on campus. But now I'd probably be seen as 'that guy dating the football quarterback.' Shit.... this was never gonna easy, not matter what I did.
"So after you got punched why didn't you jump the guy?" Logan asked as we finally found Todd's car, a jet black Maxima.
"You kidding? Ethan looked pissed. I wasn't about to interfere and get my ass kicked as well," Paul said, bringing a little humor into the circle. We all laughed nervously as things suddenly went silent.
"Sorry, if we outed you guys," Todd said, sorry soaked into every word. He opened the driver side door and looked at me and Logan.
I looked down at the pavement. It wasn't their fault. I could have kicked his ass and said nothing. But something made we feel like I had to stand up for them, stand up for us, that even though we were gay, we were still men. I looked back up to see a sorry look on both Paul and Todd's faces.
"Hey," I said smiling, "Don't worry. It was bound to happen. At least we did it kicking ass right?"
They all laughed at me as I held Logan's hand tighter. He looked at me and smiled lovingly, his thumb caressing the back of my hand. It was better this way.... right?
Paul and Todd offered us a ride home, me and Ethan sat in the spacious back seat. It would be nice if Ethan or I had a vehicle, because it seemed that we were always hitching a ride with someone, or barrowing their car. What had happened at the theater still replayed fresh in my mind. Were we really 'out'? Did it happen that quick? I guess it was still too soon to say anything. In the mean time the conversation had turned to more trivial things; school, cars,... ex-boyfriends.
"I came out in high school, so I've almost always dated guys," Paul said as he continued to hold the pack to his face, the ice melting and running down his cheek.
"Well, good for you Paul," Todd said, stopping at red light, "The rest of us haven't been so lucky."
"Some of us are still learning?" I said from the back seat, looking at Ethan.
"WHAT?!" Ethan exclaimed, "I personally consider myself experienced enough."
I laughed as I kissed the side of his head, a token saying that I was kidding. I just wanted to see him smile.
"So am I only one on the team that knows?" I asked as Paul looked back at me, his face going pensive.
"I think so, unless the other guys think other wise," he said as he shrugged, "You know, we're there to play football, nothin' else."
He was right. But knowing the team, I wasn't sure if letting them know was the best idea. I know if I had a choice I'd rather not let them in on my personal life.
"So do you care if the team finds out?" I asked, holding Ethan as he looked out at the street.
"Well... yeah I do. You know how they are.... I don't think they wanna play a contact sport with a gay guy, right?" he said, a bit of lament in his voice, "But if they find out...."
He looked over at Todd, "Nothing you can do about it."
We finally reached my apartment. Wow, didn't think we walked that far. Logan and I slowly got out of the vehicle and said our good-byes and thanks to Paul and Todd. They drove off, leaving Logan and I walking to the apartment door. Logan walked slower than ever as he reached out a grabbed my hand. Part of me still jumped as I though about the neighbors watching. But then I looked at Logan's face, worried and discouraged for some reason. I let my fingers interlock with his as we walked up the stairs and into the door. If my boyfriend wanted to hold my hand, then I was gonna let him hold my hand.
"I ahh.... I'm gonna go to the bathroom..." Logan said, gently let my hand go.
I was usually the worried and scared one, but seeing my normally happy boyfriend depressed over something made me even more depressed. As I took a seat on the sofa Terrance popped out of the room.
"Hey there.... fucker," he said as he sat down next to me.
"You're obviously feeling better," I said as I looked at his face. He almost seemed back to normal.
"Yeah I took a long nap," he said as he smiled at me, I tried to smile back.
"Somethin' wrong dude?" he asked.
Fuck! Where do I begin? I looked back at him, letting all the worry fall over my face.
"....I-I came out..." I stuttered as I looked at my lap.
"SHIT! To your parents?" Terrance all but yelled.
I smiled nervously and looked in front of me and the black television, "No.... uhh.. to about 20 strangers."
"At the movie theater."
Terrance sat back and took a deep breath, "So... how do feel?"
"....Scared..." I said as I gripped my knees.
"I-I......I-I dunno.... is it possible to feel scared but....then again feel somewhat relieved?"
Terrance took another deep breath, "I dunno, I can't tell you how you should feel."
I chuckled as I looked down at the carpet, "I am kinda glad it's over with."
"Yeah," Terrance said smiling at me, "So what are you gonna tell people if they ask?"
I sighed as I looked at him and then at the bathroom door, "I dunno, I guess I'll worry about that when the time comes."
Terrance shrugged in agreement as I asked, "So where are Jeff and Grant?"
Terrance pointed to their room, "Passed out."
"So did they...." I started.
"Yeah... apparently all night," Terrance said grinning.
"Good for them," I said chuckling.
"How about you?" Terrance asked biting his lip.
"Uhhh......," I laughed as I realized that I had totally forgotten about the discomfort I had been feeling almost all morning.
Terrance gazed at me and smiled, "Fine, keep your secrets..."
I nodded at him as I heard the bathroom door open. We both looked to see Logan step out, his face still long. He looked up and half smiled at us.
Terrance looked back at me, "Go on, looks like your man needs you right now more than I do."
I nodded at him as I got up, patting him on the back as I walked over and grabbed Logan's hand. He looked at me, like a confused 14 year old as I led him into my room, kicking off my shoes as I passed through the door. He kicked off his as I led him to my bed. I laid down as he laid next to me, spooning me into his larger frame, his arms coming around and holding me close to him, his nose in my hair as he took long deep breaths. I relaxed into him and caressed his hands and forearms as they held me.
"So what's wrong?" I asked as I felt him sigh.
"I-I dunno....I mean I've wanted this for so long," he said, "To be with you and not care about the world.... to tell all those guys... and girls that look at you that your mine."
"But...?" I asked as I traced the muscles of his thick and defined forearm.
"The team...." he said, sadness falling out well, "I just wanna play, I don't want them thinking I'm any less of a ball player just because I'm gay."
I turned over, facing him, his arms still around me, "I know the school hasn't seen what you can do... but you left Colorado to show them, and just because you love me doesn't make you any less talented."
"And if they find out?" he asked.
"What are they gonna do?" I said as I ran my fingers through his short hair.
"I dunno...suspend me?" he said, worry all over it.
"And If I can't play football, there goes my scholarship," he said as he lowered his head and closed his eyes, "It's the only thing I'm good at."
"Hey," I said, making him open his eyes, "And loving me isn't? Being my boyfriend isn't?"
He looked almost ashamed for saying what he said.
"Logan, my life's always been a mess. And ever since you walked into it.... I've felt more grateful that I made it though it all. Because if I hadn't, I'd have never come here... and I'd have never walked into that arcade that day and saw you there. Like you were waiting for me to wake up and realize that I deserve to be happy, that I deserve you."
His smile turned warm as I felt his fingertips lightly brush my cheek. I looked away as I continued, "I did what I did at the theater because I wanted to be as strong as you think I am. I wanted to know that I could show my true feeling for the guy I love where ever I want."
I watched his eyes glaze over, the moister filling them, "Oh god, Ethan.... I love you so fucking much."
Even when he swore saying it, those three words bore into my chest and branded his name on my heart.
"I love you too," I said as I wiped the forming tears from his brilliant blue eyes.
"I know I'm new to this whole gay thing but I want us to work, I want to know that we'll still be this crazy about each other 10, 20, 30 years form now," I said as he finally smiled at me for once, "And don't worry about the team. At the end of the day, you don't go home with them."
Maybe I am overreacting about the team knowing. I mean Scott and Paul already know. Well.... Scott's a good friend and Paul... I guess they really don't count. This all seemed so much clearer when we were still... in the closet. It was so much easier to say that I didn't care about other people's opinions when they weren't a problem. I guess it still held true. People in the street or people on campus, I still say I really didn't care. But my peers, my teammates, I can't say it was true for them. What would they say if they knew they were tacking a gay quarterback? Probably some shit like, 'he likes it.'
I held Ethan closer to me, his face in my neck as I took long, slow breaths of his hair. Those small little things about him always seemed to calm me down. All I can say now is that... what ever shit I would have to go through, he was worth it. Loosing him was far worse than loosing any scholarship.
I held him to me as I brought his face up, telling me that he was worried about me. I smiled at him. As worried as I was, I was a big boy. I brought his face up and kissed him as softly as I could, our lips opening against each other. Yes Ethan, be my only obsession. I felt his hand grab my waist as he pulled me harder into him, our legs tangling together. I cupped his cheek and let my tongue claim his mouth, his slight beard tantalizing the nerves in my palm, my own beard scratched at his lips. He never complained about it.
"Oh God, close the door," we heard as we both shot up right and looked at the entrance to the bedroom.
Terrance stood there and smiled at us, "Continue," he said as he locked the door and shut it.
"I guess we have permission," I said as I laid back down, Ethan falling beside me, his fingers feeling over my face... he liked the facial hair.
He chuckled as I think he felt a little embarrassed that Terrance had somewhat walked in on us.
"Well.... I guess now isn't the appropriate time to strip and go at it like rabbits," I said as tugged at his belt.
"Maybe when we're a little bit more alone, you know how loud we can be," he said as he felt up my arm, over my long-sleeve shirt.
"Yeah I know, I just kinda like laying here with you," I said as I kissed him lightly.
"Besides, you can fuck me anytime you want," I hissed into his ear as I licked his ear lobe.
"Don't fucking temp me," he said as he started to bury his hands in my jeans, slipping his fingers under my underwear.
I'd come to the conclusion that I'd left Colorado to be happy, not playing football, but being here in this room, being with Ethan, making memories like this.
End Chapter 10: If dreaming is today