Loves Given Up On Me 4


Disclaimer: this story is of a homosexual nature. If you don't want to read it, then don't.

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Chapter 4- Think Twice: part 1

I got to the door of my dorm room and fished the keys out of my pocket. I had just gotten back from Ethan's place. I think I spent more time there then my own room. I also got to meet Ethan's friends over the past few weeks and at least make friends with them. Of all of Ethan's friends I saw more of Terrance than anyone else. He took on the more mature role, like being the DD at parties. But he still knew how to have fun. At times he went with us to play pool or to the arcade or play basketball. But still, I wondered why he wasn't seeing anyone. It wasn't that he was bad looking in any way. He was about 5'11''... 6 foot. With wavy dark brown hair cut a little above his ear, with a dark hazel color to his eyes. He dresses like Ethan, maybe a little more rocker. When he wasn't with us or Grant or Jeff, he was at the pool. So that gave him the sleek build of a swimmer. Grant and Jeff on the other hand were like party twins, crazy and unpredictable, shaving their heads and getting one more tattoo to add to their collection. Personally I didn't see much of them. They usually hung out together while Ethan and Terrance ...and I hung out.

In this particular instance it was just me and Ethan. We had ordered pizza and played videogames almost all night. I ended up crashed out on the living room couch. Ethan woke me up and we both made breakfast together. Our friendship was almost perfect. Over the past month he had become my best friend... in college. I think he spent more time with me than he did with his friends. And along with our friendship, my feelings for him also grew. My body almost ached to touch him. He was my embodiment of everything I found interesting about a person. He was sincere, honest, generous, loyal, innocent, you could say almost like a little kid, with the carefree attitude to go with it. He always seemed to put me before himself. I couldn't get enough if him. I just had to be near him, it was that simple.

I eased the door open and found that Terry had already left. I walked in and threw my bag on the floor, stripped off my clothes and got in the shower. Maybe the cold water would wake me up. I looked down and noticed I was sporting a morning missile. I proceeded to wash myself off but my wood just wouldn't seem to go down. There was only one thing to do about it. I turned the water to warm. The shower was small so I leaned back so the water sprayed into my crotch. I let my head rest against the shower wall as I slid my hand down my abs and over my hard on. I took it in my hand admiring my own thickness as I took a long stroke from the base to the head, one long 9 inch stroke. I stopped as my fingers snagged under the crown of the head. I let out a low moan. It was sensitive right there. I drew my hand back down as I let the erotic thoughts fill my mind. But what came into my mind was something totally different. It filled with images of Ethan. I didn't picture him doing things to me or me doing things to him. I thought about his face and how I longed to just stare at him for hours. His back, his chest, arms, abs and shoulders, form the first time I saw him. And how he smelled... how it excited me. I imagined ...him. Little did I notice, I was pounding my meat like piston. My breath was rapid and my eyes were shut. Then I felt it. The tingle as it left the tip of the head and sprayed across the other wall. I almost lost my balance as my muscles tightened and my jaw clenched. My legs almost gave out as I sprayed again, over and over. I let out a few grunts as the sensation finally faded. Never had I cum like that in all my 19 years. I caught my breath as my erection left me, the last drops falling to the floor and washing away as I finished up. My legs still weak and my breath a little paced. My mind still clouded from the orgasm that rocked my body.

I stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around my waist. I walked into the room and sat on my bed. How am I gonna work this out? He's my friend, and it's not right for me to want him. I pondered that thought. Then what are all these feelings I have? I can't say they don't mean anything. It's too strong to ignore. And I can't keep living like this. I'm gonna have to tell him or let him go. I took a deep breath, laid back and stared at the ceiling. I guess when the time comes I'll know. As for now I gotta get ready for class.

Should I go? I sat there in algebra class spinning my pencil in my fingers and looking out the window at the football stadium towering over the rest of campus. I looked back down at my notebook, at the math problem I had half way solved. DAMN IT! I couldn't concentrate. All that seemed to be running through my mind was waking up this morning, making breakfast and his little invitation.

'Hey if you want, you can come to the football game tonight, not sure if I'll be on the field, but it'd be cool if you were there.'

I could even remember the anxious happiness in his voice. Well I had nothing really planned, just tae kwan do training, but I could do that whenever. I chewed on my pencil eraser as I noticed all the other students packing their stuff away. Was class already over? Well I spaced my way through that hour and a half. I grabbed my skateboard and bag, throwing everything in at once and left running out the door, almost running over a girl on the way out.

"Sorry, sorry."

She gave me a coy smile as I apologized. She had long dark brown hair and equally dark eyes. She was pretty and I occasionally caught her stares in class. But pretty as she was, she seemed a bit out of my league. Before she had a chance to say anything, I was gone.

Outside, the courtyard was packed with people trying to get from class to class. Logan had a history class across campus, so I wouldn't be seeing him until later. I looked around and finally caught sight of Terrance sitting alone on a bench about 50 feet away. He was listening to his MP3 player and playing his portable Nintendo, the heavy guitar blasting as he bobbed his head. I strolled up behind him and flicked his ear. He turned quickly about to curse something.

"What the Ffff.....?"

Seeing it was me he looked disappointed, "Oh, it's you."

I took a seat next to him. He pulled his headphones from his ears as I watched all the 'Kens and Barbies' stare at us. Were we that different? I took a look at the clothes Terrance and I were wearing. Yeah, maybe a little scary, if skater-rocker was anything to be scared of. Sure beat looking like a frat guy.

"God kicks, take forever."

I shrugged my shoulders in response and smiled.

"You ready to go eat something?" he said putting his toys back into his pockets.


He looked past me and then around, "Logan not coming?"

"No," I said confused.

"Oh, it's just you two just seemed to be..... yeah."

I narrowed my eyes at him. What was he getting at? He gave me a cheesy smile and got up. Avoiding something? Anyways, I was too hungry to wonder about what. I was still sitting down when I asked.

"Hey T, you wanna come with me to the football game tonight?"

It was his turn to look at me confused.

"You serious? You do know we've never been to one, even in high school."

I took a deep breath, "Yeah I know but Logan invited me, uhh... I mean us."

He raises an eyebrow at me, "To cheer him on? Nah, he's got all those plastic cheerleaders to do that for him. Besides, we don't exactly fit in with the 'jock' crowd."

"Uhhh...." I scratched my head. And before I had to time to think of something to say in response Terrance interrupted.

"What the hell, let's go. I'm sure Logan would appreciate it... even though I'm not into football jocks, there maybe a few worth lookin' at."

My smile went wide as I laughed at Terrance. I really wanted to see Logan play; if he was as good as I imagined. That and... something else made me feel like I should be there.

"Thanks man," said as I got up.

"Ok, so now that that's settled, let's get somethin' to eat."

Adam and I sat on the sidelines with a good chunk of the other freshman players. It was the 5th game of the season and so far we had been undefeated. If that continued, I doubted that I'd ever get to play. Coach Randell had the senior quarterback, Alan Racker, out on the field. And as long as he kept scoring those touchdowns, couch was going to keep him out there. So far I'd begun to think that maybe it was a waste of time to just be sitting here and doing nothing else but cheer and yell from the sidelines. All I was was back up.

As I watched the game my mind wandered back to Ethan. God he was on my mind all the time. I think if he knew he'd freak out and probably never speak to me again.

I flashed back to this morning. I asked him to come to the game. Kind of a stupid idea, I'd never find his face in the bleachers, that's if he even did come. I was on such a high from last night and then this morning at his place. I smiled just remembering the smell of burning bacon and hearing him laughing, reminding me over and over that he didn't know how to cook. That he couldn't even make toast. After that, I just asked him, 'You want to come to the football game tonight? It'd be cool if you were there.' I didn't think he'd say yes. But what purpose did it serve? I could see him, much less know if he even here.

The game came to a close as the camera flashes went into a frenzy. Did we win? I watched as everyone jumped up, coach, Scott, Adam. I did the same as not to be the odd one out. I was happy for the team but with Ethan on my mind, I don't think I had much room left for victory.

"6 and 0," coach yelled out. Yeah, we won.

After the crowds had gone home I walked out of the locker room. Scott and Adam had left in a hurry. Scott said that his parents were taking him out for dinner; victory feast. Adam said he had a date but wouldn't tell with whom. Well at least they had plans.

I walked out of the stadium with my duffle bag and saw a few people loitering, trash all over the pavement and what looked like gum on my shoe. As I stood there scrapping the pink shit of my shoe when I heard a familiar voice.

"Good game."

I looked up and then to my right. I saw two guys leaning against the wall in the shadows. The first stood up and took the few steps into the street lights. All the shitty feelings were chased away. Ethan stood there, in his favorite zip-up hoodie... and his favorite cap. He had his skateboard in his hands as he walked up to me.

"Didn't think you'd come," I said, forgetting the gum on my sneaker.

"Yeah well..."

He shrugged as I saw Terrance walk out after him sipping a large soda. I smiled at him then turned my attention back to Ethan. He looked up at me from under his cap.

"It was kinda hard trying to figure out which one was you. You know you all look the same on the field from the ass end of the stadium."

I chuckled, "So I guess you got bad seats."

"For the price I paid?.... yeah I think I did."

Terrance finally getting a chance to speak asked, "Yeah Logan, what's up with the 5 dollar cokes?"

He laughed at me as I remembered the outrageous concession stand prices.

"Yeah T, sorry about that."

He raised his cup at me, telling me he paid anyways.

"So you gonna call it a night then?" Ethan asked.

"Uhh, yeah, unless you got something else planned?"

"," he said looking down and shifting his weight.

Terrance spoke up again, "So Logan, whose you teammate? Medium brown hair, blue eyes, big tall guy."

There was only name that came to mind.

"Adam?" I said, guessing I answered his question.

"Oh," he said as he smiled, biting his straw and looking at Ethan. They both smiled at each other.

"What?" I asked, looking at them both.

Ethan answered, "uh, nothin'. T here just thought he was fuckable."

"Oh," I said amused. Adam? ... I guess he was....?

Ethan adjusted his cap and cleared his throat.

"So we just gonna stand here?"

Terrance and I took a few steps, leaving Ethan standing there.

"Thought so," he said, as he jogged the few strides and caught up with us.

The night was colder than usual, but I couldn't feel it. I felt warm all over. The three of us made jokes as we walked back to my dorm building, taking our time as usual. As we approached the front of the building Terrance took off running leaving me and Ethan standing there alone.

"Just gonna throw this away," he yelled holding up the empty cup and making for the trashcans a good ways away.

"So...," I said, turning back to Ethan as I tried to catch every glimpse of his face from under his cap and under the clouded glow of the street lamps.

He looked up at me. No matter how dark it was, I could always find his eyes. He locked gazes with mine and we just looked at each other for what felt minutes. What was he thinking? I would have given anything, anything to know if he thinking of me. My mind and body hurt to believe that he was. And if it wasn't true...? I don't think I could handle it if it wasn't true. Ethan finally looked away as Terrance came jogging back and then looked down at his own feet.

"So, I'll see ya later then?"

"Yeah," I said as I modestly smiled.

"Ok then," he said as he took a couple of steps back and gave me a slight wave.

I watched him leave with Terrance. I couldn't let him go. I could already feel a shadow of the pain just thinking about it. I guess my only option was to tell him. For all I knew he could feel the same way, or he could hate me, or we'd stay friends and act like nothing happened. That nervous sensation came falling into my gut as Ethan and Terrance walked out of my view. I turned, walked up the steps and through the front doors. I really didn't want Terry to be the last person I saw before passing out.

I stared at the sidewalk as I reflected on what just happened. We didn't talk, we just.... looked at each other. I guess saying that 'the eyes are the windows to the soul' was an understatement. If he did see into mine, he'd see one confused young man. I didn't quite understand why I just let it happen. It felt... I don't know, natural? I remembered his gaze as I could almost feel it penetrating me again. What did I see? I saw a lot of things. Maybe even a few things that I thought were better left untouched. I sighed to myself. If I had the chance to do it over again.... I would.

The sound of Terrance kicking a rock over the cement brought me back to reality.

"You know we can always walk right back," Terrance said as he kept his attention on the rock.

"What?" I said. Did he mean go back to campus?

I looked over at him as he kicked the rock again, this time into the empty street. He smiled back at me.

"Nothin'," he said as he took of running.

I looked behind me, the way we came, back at the University. Why would I want to walk back? I throw my skateboard down and skated after Terrance.

-Think Twice: part 2-

Wow, how time was flying. It had already been a week since the football game. That meant October was half over and my training was gonna pay off soon at the competition. I sure hoped it would, I'd been working like a dog for this. It took up almost all my free time, and whatever time I had left, I usually spent it with Logan. I was happy that we had become good friends, I felt like I knew him for much longer than the few months we had. The only difference between him and my other friends was that he was straight. But I got a feeling form him. Nothing that made me uneasy or scared, but a feeling like he genuinely cared about me. And that made me comfortable around him. I didn't mind him looking at me as much as he did or him punching my shoulder. It was like he was almost a brother. And in turn I cared a lot for him too. Being with him really showed me that I should open up more,... maybe even start dating again. I felt it was time. Hell, it'd been time for a while now, and it was long over due.

I walked into the dojo and made my way to the restroom. I proceeded to change into my gi. As I pulled my shirt over and off my head I heard a whistle. I turned around shirtless and saw Chris leaning against the doorway.

"Looks like someone's been workin' hard."

I blushed, bad.


Chris just laughed and pointed towards the mirror. Yeah I saw how I leaned up. I had more definite lines and ripples. Well I guess all that extra training did pay off in other ways. My muscles looked sleeker, less bulky but definitely solid. Starting into the mirror I remembered Logan and that evening at the apartment. I guess I knew now what he was looking at... I guess it wasn't a bad sight at all, if he was even into guys, or into me at that matter.

"Hey you boys dressed...?"

Chris and I turned and saw Derek right outside the door.

"Well, Ethan. Looks like all that extra training really is paying off," Derek said as he came in to check on us. He smiled at Chris and then at me as I quickly pulled my gi top over my head and over my torso, still flushed and embarrassed.

"Well, Sensei, should we start?" I said tying my belt.

"Oh yeah, you and Chris start the stretching. I gotta piss."

We walked onto the padded floor as the class started to walk in. I sat down and started stretching my legs, grabbing my feet with my hands. My head was down when I heard a familiar voice.

"Um, Ethan?"

I looked up and saw one of the intermediate students standing over me. Her name was Beth. She had long blonde hair that she liked to keep down with bangs that quite nicely framed her face. She had a smile of confidence as she stared at me with her green eyes. I looked at Chris who just gave me a smirk and nodded his head. I looked back at her as she pulled the stray hairs back behind her ear.

"Can I ask you something," she said.

"Yeah,... what can I do for you?"

I threw my backpack off my shoulder as I walked in the door. God! My day was hell, assignment and more assignments. I grabbed the phone and threw myself on my bed. I relaxed and lay back as I dialed Ethan's number and listened to the hum of the ring tone. It rang maybe twice before I heard his voice.


God he sounded good after a shitty day. I smiled for probably the first time in hours.

"Hey dude...what you up to?"

"Uhh... I just got back from karate class, gonna get changed, you?"

"Ahh, nothing. Just wondering if you wanted to hang out later, I got nothing planned for the rest of the night."

There was a pause for maybe 3 or 4 seconds and then a sigh. Something was wrong, I could feel it.

"Uhhh... I don't think we can hang out tonight dude... I kinda got asked out on a date."

Someone could've kicked me in the face. My stomach jumped into my chest as all the bright emotions fell into my gut. I was crushed and felt sick. I let him fall through, I waited too long. Why was I such an idiot? Like a ton of bricks the phrase 'you should've told him' hit me. Now there he went and where was I? Still in shock I didn't answer for a few seconds, and then forced my mouth open.

"Oh... yeah... dude, th- that's great," I lied.

"Yeah, I hope so. I haven't been on a date for a while."

"Well, I ...ahh, hope all goes well bro," I was going to hell.

"Yeah, but I better get ready. But hey, I'll call you afterwards and tell you all about it, K?"


"Ok, well later."


My last word barely coming out a whisper. The phone clicked. I sat there on my bed, the phone still in my hand. The dial tone the only other sound I could hear other than my own breath. I felt like shit, depressed and lost. I felt like cracking right down the center. I had to get out of here. I changed into some shorts and some cross trainers and left the room at a quick pace, the whole time staring at the floor. The world didn't seem to penetrate me, as I thought about how stupid I'd been. Why the hell was I even interested in him if there was no chance of him having interest in me?

I finally made my way to the gym. This is where I came to get things off my mind. It didn't register until later, but I was here a lot for exactly that reason. I sighed and walked up to the bench press. I got under the bar and began my rep. I was so pissed at myself that I paid no attention to the burn as it got worse. I finally snapped out of my state of mind by David's voice.

"Logan? You ok?"

He stood next to me, his face hovered above me. Breathing heavily I lied, "Yeah, I'm good."

"You sure? Anything I can do to help ya out?"

I could tell I wasn't fooling him. He looked genuinely concerned. I looked away.

"Spot me?"

He smiled, "No problem."

I began to feel a little better that Dave was there. Ever since Chemistry class we'd shared this odd connection of trust, I'd like to say he was like a counselor. But the point is, I trusted him. I guess my secret crush being a friend, I needed someone else to vent out my problems in love. A topic I knew for sure Scott and Adam didn't excel in. But even though Dave and I were allies, I still kept the fact that I was gay and Ethan being the object of my affection in the dark.

I continued my rep and work out with Dave there spotting me. I guess I would've felt even more stupid if I'd hurt myself. Being angry was a good motivator if I didn't end up in the University Hospital. We hardly spoke the entire time, but I was sure he knew by now that I wasn't alright. By the end, I was burned out. Every muscle in my body pissed at me for the grueling lock down I put it through. All because I couldn't get my head straight.

Still sweating I walked out of the workout room with Dave. The place was vacant as we walked down the hall that led back outside.

"You sure you're ok? You look like you're going through a metal breakdown."

We were walking slowly as I looked down at him.

"In a small way, yeah."

His smile looked worried, "You just put your body through hell... Must be a big small problem."

I sighed then looked back at the floor and let my shoulders slump.

"It's just, I really like this person... and I'm just too chicken-shit to say anything."

"Well why don't you just say what you want to say? Don't get much more complicated than that."

I scoffed lightly and before I could even think about it, I blurted out, "Because HE'S on a date right now."

I then heard Dave's voice perk up, "Well that clears up a lot."

My eyes widened as my heart skipped a beat. Before I could even think again I opened my mouth, "Oh, SHIT!"

Dave started laughing, "God you closet cases are hilarious."

I tried to think of something to say in my defense but I drew a blank. To my surprise he stopped laughing and smiled, "Don't worry. Secret's safe with me, I won't tell anyone."

Still panicking I stood right in front of him, "Dave!... I..."

Before I could even finish he put his hand on my shoulder and looked me in the eyes, "I'm gay."

All the panic left as he lowered his arm and left me standing there stunned.

He raised his eyebrows, "You trust me now?"

I pulled myself together and looked back at him, "You are?"

He laughed again, louder this time, "Yeah, I came out in the Marine Corps, and I'm practically married and living with my ex-drill sergeant."

"Yeah?" I said still trying to process it all.

"Yeah, his name's Garrett, but just to play I call him Sgt. Drake."

He chuckled and then I did under my breath nervously. My smile was uneasy as I took another look around. We were the only people in the entire hallway. I looked back down at my feet and then at him. I opened my mouth and struggled to get the words out.

"Well... Uhhh... so far you're the only one who knows... Oh well you and my ex-girlfriend."

"Oh?" he said with a barley surprised look.

"Yeah, I still don't know what my preference is just yet... but, I know I want to be with... ahhh him... or...ahh this guy."

"And does this guy have a name?"

I hesitantly made myself reply.

"Uhh... Ethan," I said in a small voice.

Ho looked away and nodded his head, "Is he by any chance that guy that waited for you a couple of times outside of lab class? Kinda skater, likes to hide his face in a cap."
Just the thought of him made me smile, "Uhh, yeah that's him."

"Ohh, I see."

"Huh?" I said, kinda puzzled.

"Well it's just I noticed how you look at him. That kinda gave you away. DON'T WORRY. Its just I noticed it. Any other straight guy wouldn't think twice about it"

I sighed in relief.

"But when I pass by you two, and when I do get to see him under his cap..."

My eyes locked on him, nodding my head slightly for him to go on.

"...he looks at you the same way."

I raised my head, looked at the ceiling then closed my eyes, letting the feeling of comfort take over me. I lowered my head and stood there. I then heard Dave's voice again.

"So you gonna tell him?"

I opened my eyes. Dave was staring at me with a look of 'well?' I shifted my eyes and blinked.

"I uhh...I dunno."

"Listen," he said kinda sternly, "This uh, date he's on. Is it a first date?"

I scratched my head.

"Yeah, why?"

"Well, that's it. Just a first date. I doubt it's anything special."

It finally registered. It was a first date and he was the one asked out, not the one who asked. If someone did ask Ethan out, I couldn't imagine him saying no. I finally realized it and felt the look of discovery in my eyes. Dave grinned and nodded towards the exit.

"Well, if I were you I'd see if he's back."

I nodded my head in compliance and was all of a sudden anxious to leave. Dave laughed again, "Get going, we'll talk later."

"Yeah," I said almost taking off like a sprinter at the sound of gun shot.

"And Hey," he yelled, "don't forget the assignment for lab Wednesday."

"Yeah," I said yelling back while waving and rounding the corner and out of sight. I sprinted back to the room and threw on some warmer clothes. I looked at the clock, 10:26. I called at 4:30. 5, 6 hours, I wasn't sure if he'd be home, but I was gonna go by anyway. I grabbed my pull-over sweatshirt and left, almost slamming the door. I think I woke Terry up.

End chapter 4- Think Twice