I walked down the corridor looking for the room allotted to me.... and spotted it just as I turned the corner.
I pushed open the door and looked in. There was this guy sitting at the desk writing something. He didn't hear me I guess, for he never looked up from his work.
"Hi, I'm your roommate." I said as I entered the room, greeting the guy.
"Hi, welcome. I'm Ralph," said the guy looking up finally and smiling.
"Luke." I said extending my hand, returning his smile.
Soon we were settled and got busy with class... A whole new life lay before me - new friends, a new sense of freedom and a whole new experience. Ralph turned out to be an amazing person, full of life and fun to be around and with each passing day we grew closer and closer... And the more we got to know each other the more we seemed to like it, enjoy each other's company, both realizing how much alike we were..... Our passions, our thoughts, ideas, our childhood dreams and even our dislikes were uncannily similar. And soon enough we found that we just couldn't do without each other. We became inseparable!
Things went fine for a while when suddenly I started having this odd feeling, like maybe I was being dishonest, like I was cheating him.... holding back the truth and as time went by the feeling became stronger, more intense. I wanted to tell him, tell him that I was gay. But I was also scared stiff about revealing the truth, for I didn't want to lose him, lose his friendship. Yet I also couldn't live up with 'hiding' it from him, the guilt was too much for me to handle.... and moreover, I wanted no 'secrets' in our friendship. So finally I decided to come out and tell him and face whatever consequences or ridicule there was to face.
It was a Saturday and had been raining the whole day and as we sat huddled in the room late that evening I decided that the time was right, I had to let go and 'confess'.
"Ralph..." I started, looking at him as he lay on the bed reading some magazine, "I... I want to tell you something about myself...."
He closed the magazine and looked up at me.... maybe I looked funny or something for he placed the magazine on the side table and sat up, looking intently at me and said, "Anything serious?"
"Well, yeah.... I guess. " I paused, suddenly not so sure anymore.
"Well?" he asked, alert.
"I.... um, well, I...." I was unable to go further.... like my voice was failing me.
Ralph got off the bed and came over to where I sat at the desk and stood in front of me.
"I don't know what you have to say Luke, but there is something I want to tell you.... I need to."
"Huh...?" I looked up at his face.
"I'm gay." he said, short and clear.
I stared, my mouth opening and closing like a dying fish gasping for air.
"Well...?" he said smiling.
I sat there like a fool still staring....
"Now, won't you tell me what you were about to? he smiled.
My head swam.... here I was all ready to 'confess' and hoping to retain his friendship and love and he tells me that he was GAY !!!! Jesus, I was totally amazed!
"Won't you tell me.... Oh c'mon now Luke, I already know!" he laughed, slapping my back.
Now I was shocked! How did he possibly KNOW?!
"You look shocked.... surprised.... Well, is it 'cause I'm gay or because I seem to know that you're gay too, huh?"
I still went on gulping air.... my eyes wide.... "Both..." I finally managed.
"Simple my dear Watson...." he said with a smile, trying to sound like the great Sherlock Holmes, "I'm gay and I know that.... as for you its pretty obvious." his smile widened. "We never talk about girls.... I don't 'cause I'm gay, but why don't you, huh? We don't date girls.... I don't 'cause I'm gay, but why don't you...?" and he continued with his amazing 'deduction'.... now truly sounding like Sir Conan Doyles' famous character.
"And that look on your face gave it.... I knew you were ready to "confess" and believe me, I had been waiting for it for a very long time now."
Well, with that out of the way I relaxed.... I looked at him and we both started laughing.... It felt amazing.... I got up and we hugged.
"Whew... that was a relief!" I finally managed to say.
"Yeah buddy, you can say that again." He said giving me a hard squeeze. "But hey, you took a long time... eh?"
"Well, I was afraid.... I didn't want to lose you." I replied.
"I was waiting for you to say it before I told you." he smiled.
"But how did you really guess?" I asked still surprised.
"Hmmmm..... now let's see.... uh, the way you kept staring at Mr. Jennings, the librarian and also the Dean I could only wonder.... well, he is a nice guy, real mature and sexy...."
"You too?" I asked surprised and excited.
"You mean older guys? O, yeah! I go for the dad types...." and we burst out laughing.
Soon we were discussing, animated, about our experiences, our likes and things like that. We realized we were both 'grave diggers', both liked older guys.... guys in their late 40s and above.... He told me about his past lovers and about Alan, his present lover, a guy in his 50s and a lawyer. I told him about my only affair with my uncle's friend. And we spend the better part of the night just talking.
We became even closer after that night and he encouraged me to go out and find someone and told me about his weekends when he went to meet Alan. And taking his advice I started going to the local bar every other evening in the hope that I would find someone.... someone that I could really love and care for and who would in turn give me all I desired.... I wasn't for one night stands or things like that and was looking for a more permanent relationship and so was wary about jumping into bed with just about anybody.... And that's when I met Matthew.
It was a Friday and I had managed to get out early and went straight to the bar and as I sat sipping my first beer this guy walks up and introduces himself and sits down.... God, I blinked.... and gulped.... He was a dream come true! I couldn't have asked for anything better. He must have been about 45 and just gorgeous.
We started talking and after about half an hour I was sitting with him in a cab heading for his hotel room.... and that was it. Before the door was even fully closed he took me in his arms and kissed me and I just melted.... It was the best night of my whole life and when I finally limped out of the room the next morning I was kinda flying... my feet didn't seem to touch the ground as I floated down the corridor to the elevator and out of the huge building. He told me he had to leave early next morning but that he visited town practically every weekend and we could meet then, maybe even spend our whole weekends together.... "In the room...." he added with a twinkle in his eyes and a wink. He told me that I could call the front desk and ask for his room. He always had the same room, he said and if he answered then I could just drop in.
The next few months were just heaven for me.... Matt was everything that I had ever dreamt of, an amazing person and absolutely fantastic in bed. He made me feel so complete, totally satisfied and within a very short time I realized that I was madly in love with him, totally 'smitten'. The time we spend together was incredible.... and I started looking forwards to our weekends together, practically living for those few hours of total bliss....
We spend the whole time in the room, in bed, making love, just cuddled together and nuzzling.... lost in each other. But sometimes he also had to work, meet people and then he asked me to leave early but he always made up for the lost time the following weekend, giving me extra time that I had missed.... Being with him, in his arms was all I could ever ask for, was all that I cared for....
And then something dreadful happened....
It was another weekend and Matthew was in town. I had called the hotel, as had become my usual practice every Friday evenings and he answered the phone, asking me to come over immediately...
All excited and ready for a long, hot weekend together, I took a long shower, taking extra care and as I came out into the room Ralph looked up from his desk and smiled.
"I see that the little boy is ready for his 'dad', eh?" he said with a wink.
And as I was getting ready there was a knock on the door and Barry popped his head in to say that there was a call for Ralph. He went out and as I was about to leave he returned.
"Who was that?" I asked.
"My dad.... Wants to meet me tomorrow." he answered with a scowl.
Ralph had never mentioned his dad before and neither had he ever received any calls from him in the past few months that we had been together, so it did surprise me a bit.... But then, I was too preoccupied with the plans of things we would be doing over the next two days to bother much about Ralph and his dad!
"He's in town.... he normally comes every other weekend and this time he wants to meet me, said something important he wanted to discuss with me." he added and went back to his work.
"OK, see ya." I waved at him as I walked out for my date with Matt.
Friday night was the usual - absolutely HOT AND CRAZY! And so was the next morning... and as we sat eating a very late breakfast in the room, Matt looked at up at me....
"Luke, I want you to leave this afternoon.... have a few important things to take care of," he said to my utter disappointment. He went on to say that he was very busy this time, had to meet some people and would also be leaving early... but then seeing the look on my face he smiled and promised that he would spend an extra day the next weekend to compensate for it....
I looked at him and pouted, blinking rapidly....
He laughed, "Always horny, eh? But I have to work too and you should realize that," he said reaching out and tousling my hair before pulling me into his arms, crushing his mouth to mine, probing deep.
We were both breathless as I pulled away and slid down between his splayed thighs.... looking straight at his throbbing erection. I took it in my hand and squeezing it lightly, kissed the large head.... making him shiver and groan. I began a slow stroking and watched his hips squirm and dance in delight, the fat cock twitching and the tiny piss slit start to leak the clear fluid of lust. My other hand went lower, collecting the large hairy sac in my palm, cradling the twin globes in a loving caress, squeezing them gently.
My tongue darted out to swipe over the pulsing underside, along the thick chord... lapping at the drooling pre cum, up to the bloated head. I planted another kiss on the tip and felt the cock twitch harder, more cream gushing out. Matt just slumped back and opened his legs wider, his hips thrusting forward.... hands reaching out, gripping my hair as he pushed me down further into his steaming groin.
I licked and kissed along the whole, rigid length, moving up and down, the pointed tip of my tongue playing over the smooth surface, teasing the sensitive junction of head and shaft.... poking where the foreskin attached to the flesh column. And my reward was instant... his hips moved higher, the cock gushing pre cum like a sprinkler... Turning my face slightly and opening my mouth wide I gripped the thick shaft gently between my teeth.... sliding along the length....
"Aaahhh...!" he moaned lustily, pushing my head further into his crotch, wanting me to take it in, "Suck it.... umm, suck it Luke....!"
I grinned as I lifted up, releasing his cock and lowering my face between the splayed thighs I started licking at the large globes. His hips rose in response as he groaned heavily, still pushing my face into him. I rolled my wet tongue over the wrinkled sac, prodding at the balls, playing, hefting the loaded testicles.... and then, opening wide I took one into the warm and moist embrace of my oral cavity, sucking on it like a tasty morsel. He shuddered and grunted, his ass pushing over the edge of the chair on which he sat....
I sucked on, one hand toying with the other ball while the other hand stroked the thick shaft lovingly. Releasing the ball I took the other one into my mouth and sucked as before, saliva dripping all over, rolling down the relaxed sac... and Matt kept grunting, lifting his ass off, pumping into my fist as it held the thick base of his cock.
Leaving the balls I returned back to the throbbing shaft, kissing the reddened crown, licking along the length. But the temptation was too much and with a soft moan I took him in, beginning to suck in real earnest, bobbing my head up and down on the fat cock, taking him deep, squeezing the broad head with my throat muscles before pulling back and with just the flared crown still in, lashing the sensitive head with my tongue.... tickling the tiny opening....
He started to buck under my oral ministrations, grunting heavily and gripping my head in a tighter clutch shoving me down, my nose buried in his lush pubic bush... I felt his cock stiffen further and twitch.... his breathing rapid and shallow and then he lunged up, shoving the throbbing pole deep down my throat and exploded!
And as Matt growled and shook, flooding my mouth with his rich cum there was a soft knock at the outer door. I quickly finished the job and pulled away, leaving the still stiff penis glistening and the tiny slit at the tip dripping strings of pearly cream.
"I think that will be my new suit, will you take it please." he said, bleary eyed and still panting.
Pulling on his robe and licking the specks of cum coating my lips I went and opened the door, my hand already outstretched to receive the package. But there stood Ralph.... right in front of me, his smile frozen.
"What are you doing here...?" he asked, surprised.
"And what are you doing here?" I asked in turn, more surprised.
"Well, I came to meet my da...." and suddenly pushing me aside roughly he rushed into the inner room.
I quickly turned and followed him, totally confused but also quite angry at his surprise intrusion and rude behavior. But as I entered I froze. Matt still sat on the chair, buck naked, his wilted cock dangling between his spread thighs, a glazed look on his face and Ralph stood near the inner door stock still, staring at Matt, breathing fire!
"Hey, Ralph...." I started to say when he turned and gave me a freezing look before storming out of the hotel room, slamming the door shut.
I just stood staring at the closed door, very surprised but more annoyed.
"That was my room mate and I don't even know how he got to know that I would be here...." I didn't get to finish as Matt spoke...
"Luke, I think you better leave, now."
"What do you mean.... I'm not to be blamed for this.... I didn't even give him the name of the hotel..."
"I said leave, now." Matt cut me short sounding very stern.
"Listen Matt.... OK, I will leave but believe me I...."
Again he shut me up.... "Why didn't you tell me which school you were in?" He asked suddenly looking at me.... making me scared for the first time with the look in his eyes.
"You never asked." I answered.
"That was my son.... He was supposed to meet me this afternoon."
I stood stunned, rooted to the spot.... shock isn't the word that could possibly describe my state. I was mortified!
I walked out of the hotel feeling totally devastated.... I didn't feel like returning to the room.... I couldn't, I just wasn't prepared to face Ralph, not yet. I walked down the crowed street, my head bowed low, hands thrust deep in my pockets.... My mind, refusing to work.... in utter turmoil.
I didn't know where I was going.... I didn't see, I didn't care, all I felt was this tremendous sense of loss, totally weary. I felt like crying.... Suddenly looking up I saw that I was standing near the entrance of a park, in a part of town that I had never been to before. I went in and sat down on a bench. I felt so lonely, so lost.... I wanted to, needed to talk, needed a friend, but the only person I had was Ralph.... and he was the one I was trying to escape from.... I buried my face in my hands and let out a groan.
Life had seemed so lovely, so beautiful just a while ago and then in one single moment everything was shattered.... everything destroyed ! A single stroke of the invisible hand of fate taking away everything I had... the man I loved, the only friend.... could life get any worse I wondered, the tears finally overflowing, coursing down my face.
I don't know how long I sat there but suddenly noticed it was dark and much chillier.... Looking at the watch I was shocked to see that it was already past 8 p.m.! I had spent practically the whole day walking around and then sitting there on the park bench and hadn't even realized it.... And I was suddenly hungry too. I got up and decided to head home - I had to go.... had to face him..... what's the point in delaying the inevitable. The sooner the better I told myself.
I took a cab and got off near the front entrance.... The night seemed darker, even eerie as I slowly walked down the path towards our building. I dreaded the moment but then, was it my fault? I didn't even know it was his dad... or that he was Matt's son. How could he blame me? But then, he hadn't said a thing.... not yet..... Well, what would he say... what would he do...? And what would I tell him...? My head swam.... with shame, with a sense of guilt... like I had betrayed him, my best friend.... But had I? For a moment I thought of turning back and heading for home.... maybe I could get a transfer to some other school.... but again, why should I be running away? I was so confused.... I shook my head and tried to clear my thoughts, I was only thinking about them.... but what about me, my feelings.... my shock at the whole episode.... my hurt, my pain.... did anyone care for me?
Immersed in my thoughts I suddenly found myself standing in front of our room, the door suddenly looking ominous and heavy. With trembling hands I reached out and pushed it open. The room was totally dark, maybe he wasn't back, maybe he had not returned.... I entered and flipped the switch, flooding the room with the pale white glare of the florescent. And as I looked towards the bed I saw him lying on it, fully clothed and on his stomach, still.... maybe asleep....
Slowly I went close and called out his name.
"Look Ralph, I'm really sorry about the whole thing.... I mean, I didn't know Matt was your... your dad.... I... Well... " I didn't know what to say, how to say it.
I sat down on the bed and reached out, touching his shoulder lightly. I felt him stiffen, the muscles tense under my touch.
"Ralph, I'm sorry.... I really mean it. I really don't know how to say it but I feel so bad, so weird about the whole thing.... Ralph, aren't you going to say anything?"
He still didn't move nor turned, lying still like dead.
I slowly got up and went to my bed and sat down. "I can understand how you must be feeling.... but what about me, my feelings? Aren't you being selfish? Have you thought what I must be going through?" I said softly, on the verge of tears. I needed to hear him, hear him say something, anything. If not his forgiveness at least his anger. I couldn't take his silence, it was more painful... frightening!
I got up again and went into the bathroom, my eyes blurred with the unshed tears.... It seemed I was the one that had spoilt everything.... Matt wanted me out.... Ralph didn't even want to talk.... I opened the shower and got under the warm spray after undressing, letting the tears flow finally.
Over the next three day he didn't say a word, never spoke to me. He came and went as if I didn't even exist. We were like two stranger in the room, the atmosphere heavy and tense. He sat at his desk working or just lay on the bed, silent, never even looking at me. And with each passing day I felt a little bit more of me dying inside.... I couldn't handle it. I loved him, cared for him and within the few short months he had become a part of my life, my very existence and I couldn't take his rejection of me.... I wanted him badly! I mean I could take his hate and abuse but I couldn't accept his total silence. If he cursed me, accused me at least I would have something to go by, try to explain.... try to justify but his stony silence was killing. I tried to talk to him many times and told him how really sorry I was.... but could see no change in him.... no reaction.
It was Tuesday night and I sat at my desk, the books lying open in front of me but my mind far away, in turmoil... I felt like dying, didn't see any reason to live on, what with having lost my only true friend and my love, both at the same time.
I heard the door open and looked up to see Ralph enter the room and suddenly I was determined that I had to do something about this whole mess.... I just couldn't live with it anymore. I got up and went over to him as he set his bag down and taking him by his shoulders I tried to turn him to face me....
And that's when he hit me.... In one swift motion his fist swung up and hit me on the lower jaw, snapping my head back. I saw stars as I fell down, my jaws aching mighty. And then he started kicking me as I lay sprawled on the floor.... in my stomach, ribs, the small of my back, chanting "Son of a bitch..... son of a bitch...." I tried to get up, ward off the kicks but it was impossible and finally in desperation I hit him in the groin and he doubled up and fell down by my side.... writhing in pain. I quickly straddled him pinning him down.... both gasping as we struggled.
"Now look here Ralph, I didn't know he was your father and neither did he know you were my friend.... C'mon man, I didn't even know his second name.... I've said sorry a million times over the past three days and I really meant it.... Then why can't you just get over it.... Is it just because I slept with your father or is it that you can't accept your father's gayness, huh?"
"Then what about him.... what if he was to reject you for being gay.... C'mon dude, who are you to judge.... and isn't your Alex someone's dad too..... aren't we both aware that we look for a 'dad figure' and then why should we get so damned uptight if our own dad's gay, huh?"
I felt him relax slightly under me.... but his eyes still burning with hate.... but the flames somewhat milder now.
"Listen.... I really love him.... I truly do. He is the guy I've always dreamed of but let me also tell you.... I value your friendship even more.... and I'll never meet him again.... ever. I may never find another like him but that's a promise I make to you, my best friend, and I will keep it even if I have to go without anybody else all my life." I got off him and went and sat on the bed. "And I'm sorry I hit you.... I had to, you wouldn't listen."
He lay there for a while longer and finally got up and went into the bathroom. He came out a little later, his eyes blood shot and face wet.... the whole front of his shirt dripping water. He came up to me and sat down and turning to me hugged me tight.
"I'm sorry...." was all he said, the tears still rolling down his handsome face.
© 2001 by the Author