Date: Fri, 6 Jan 2006 16:28:07 EST
From: ImJeff0882@aol.com
Subject: My Roommate Nick, Part 14

The following story contains graphic sexual scenes involving adult males.
If material of this nature offends you then you should not read this story.
Additionally, if you are under 18 years of age in most states you are not
allowed to read this story by law.

This story is mostly true. The names have been changed to protect the
innocent.

The author (Jeff Hunter) claims all copyrights to this story and no
duplication or publication of this story is allowed, except by the web
sites to which it has been posted, without the consent of the author.

Comments are always welcome and you may e-mail them to
ImJeff0882@aol.com


My Roommate Nick, Part 14

This is going to be a difficult part for me to write.  Nothing major
happened; I mean between Nick and I.  Actually, it just seems to be getting
better.  But, I did have a couple of major melt downs.  Nick has already
said that he wants to add to this part.  He's enjoying the feedback, plus
he thinks he has a better read on all of this.

After Matt left, I had to deal with Bill who had been emailing me for a
while asking about coming for a weekend visit.  I won't keep you up in the
air, I decided that it would not be a good idea.

Nick was being very supportive in whatever I decided which at the time I
resented.  Bill wanted to come for a weekend and play, hook-up, have sex.
Having spent a long weekend enjoying Matt, it would seem that spending a
weekend enjoying Bill would be no big thing.  Well, if felt like a big
deal.

Nick said that he was feeling more than secure enough to have Bill share
our bed.  He said that at first the thought of Bill and I playing scared
him, but now he was more curious than scared.  He said that if we kept the
same rules with Bill as we did with Matt he would have no problem with Bill
staying the weekend.  He also said that if I didn't feel comfortable with
Bill visiting he was fine passing up the experience.

So, it was all put on me.  My gut said no way, but Nick kept questioning my
decision.  Not that he was trying to change my mind, so he said, but in
that he wanted to understand why I would say no.  At first, I told him that
I didn't want to be having sex with a married guy, even though I was having
sex with him a year ago when he was married.  Nick looked at me and said,
"Okay," but in a way that said, "Bullshit."  But, to his credit, he did not
push it with me.  Perhaps, I wanted him to push it so that I could argue
with him.  I'm learning that when I'm stressed out he becomes a convenient
target for my anger.  Actually, I think he's figured this out, too.

Days later, I received an email from Bill asking if he could make
arrangements.  I told him that I decided that I didn't want him to visit,
but that Nick and I could come to where he was going to be (He was going to
be at a conference in a city nearby) and have dinner with him.  He wanted
an explanation.  I guess by then the excuse that he was married sounded
like bullshit to me also.  I brought it up with Nick.  I guess it was about
7pm at night.  We had a light dinner about an hour earlier.  I told him I
wanted to go for a run.  He said he had reading to do.  I told him he could
come with me and we could talk or he could stay at home and read.  He
decided to run with me.  He said he would get his reading done when we got
back.  We ran.  We talked.  I told him that I loved Bill, but that I was
not in love with Bill.  I told him that in some odd way I did not trust
Bill and I did not know why.

Looking back now, in hind sight, knowing what I know now, (just how many
trite ways can I say this) the journey was worth the effort.  At the time,
however, it brought up a lot of painful feelings.

I'm not sure I can be clear about all that Nick and I talked about.

First, I had this image of Bill giving Nick a lot of attention.  Then I
imagined that Bill would ignore Nick and give me the attention.  Either
way, I was angry, nervous, scared, anything but enjoying the weekend.  I
told Nick that I worried that Bill would work it so that I would feel like
the outsider or worried that Nick would be feeling that way.

Nick said, "Okay, try to imagine this.  Get this picture in your head.  I'm
lying on my back in bed and Bill is on top of me, kissing my chest, licking
my stomach, playing with my dick.  He's starting to suck me."

"Okay, stop it.  I don't like this."

Nick said, "You're jealous."

I said, "I'm scared, angry."

"Seeing Bill and I doing it, does that make you angry at Bill or angry at
me?"

I said, "Angry at Bill."

"Why Bill?"

I said, "I hate the idea that he has his hands on you."

"No," he said, "Are you angry that he is enjoying me and not you, or are
you angry that I'm letting him enjoy me and I might be enjoying him."

As I said we were running.  I had to stop.  I thought I was going to throw
up.  "The idea makes me feel sick, scared."

"What idea?"

"That he's touching you.  I just keep thinking that I want him to stop and
go away.  I feel like he wants to break us up and take you away from me."

"You know that's absurd.  I mean, you know that could never happen," Nick
said.

"I know, but I feel like he'd be happy if that happened.  That would make
things the way he wants them."

"Do you really think that Bill wants you to be unhappy?"

"No," I answered.  "I don't understand it.  It just makes me feel crazy
thinking about him being with you.  When I think about him having sex with
me and you being there, it makes my skin feel weird."

"And none of this happened with Matt?"

"No, not at all," I answered.  We ran for a while.  "What are you
thinking?" I asked.

"I guess I have mixed feelings.  I think it would be kind of interesting to
see what he's all about; you know up close and naked.  But, I'm also
feeling kind of happy that you are being so protective and jealous.  I'm
also wondering if you still have feelings for him."

"If you mean feelings like I want to be with him, I promise you that I
don't."

"Are you sure?"

"Okay, now you're pissing me off.  This is your shit that you're laying on
me.  I know what I feel and I don't want to be with him."

"My shit?"

"Yeah, I think you still worry that I want to be with him rather than you,
and that's really pissing me off."

"Why are you getting pissed off at me?"

"What the fuck do I have to do to prove to you that I don't want to be with
anyone, not Bill or anyone else," I growled.  "It gets boring after a
while.  We are having a conversation about Bill and right away your
insecurities come in.  Just because your parents^Å"

"Okay, cut the crap.  This is not about my insecurities, and leave my
fuckin' parents out of it.  Whenever you start getting crazy about
something you always try to take the focus off of you and put it on me.
And Buckoo, that's what's getting boring."  We ran for a while and didn't
say anything.  "You don't have to do anything; I know you want to be with
me.  Stop using me to get your anger out.  I'm just asking questions," Nick
tried to convince me.  "What also gets boring is your impatience."  Again,
we ran for a while and did not speak.  He was thinking, I could tell.  "Are
you pissed at me?"

"No.  Well maybe, yes.  But mostly because you are probably right and that
pisses me off."

"You know you haven't seen him since the last time you two spent that
weekend together.  The last time you two saw each other you were both hot
and heavy all over each other and planning your next get together.  Then, I
came along."

"You didn't come along.  What does that mean, `I came along'," I yelled.

"Okay, look you asked me to come running with you to talk.  I am trying to
talk to you about this.  When I think out loud I know I sound stupid but,
damn it, I'm trying to help.  So knock it off."

"Okay; go ahead and you do sound stupid."

He laughed, "You are such an asshole.  Anyway, I don't know what to call
it, but you went from making love to him, to us being boyfriends," Nick
said and stopped running.

"What?" I asked stopping.

"That's it.  You've never even cried about him, have you?"

"Yeah, I think I did."

"No, really.  You two broke up on the phone because you wanted to be with
me, but you never really got all fucked up about it."

I started feeling sick again.  I was getting a headache behind my eyes.

"Jeff, fuck," he said pacing around.  "You never got down and miserable
about you two.  I mean you guys were together for how many years?  At least
four, right?"

"I guess.  But, we were never together.  He was always married.  We just,"
I stopped.  I never knew what to call what we were doing.

I started running again.  He wouldn't run.  "Nick if you don't keep up with
me, I'm going to just leave you here."  He started running.

"Jeff, you never said goodbye to him.  You couldn't.  If you would have
been all depressed and miserable about him when we were starting, I would
have been miserable and feeling bad.  It's like you just tucked all that
stuff away and opened yourself to being my boyfriend."

"I was happy that you and I were together.  I wasn't miserable.  I was
happy."

"Fuck; I get why you're angry at him.  I get why you're so scared, too."

"Oh yeah, so tell me," I said.

"Fuck, you're all messed up over you two breaking up and never having been
miserable about it.  Jeff, that's cool with me.  I don't think you'd rather
be with him and I'm not thinking that if you're all messed up over breaking
up with him that means you don't want to be with me.  Fuck, I never even
thought about it.  Fuck, I'd be angry, too"

"Angry at who?"

"At him."

"Why at him?"

"You're upset about the break up which you've ignored for a year and now
when you two are going to get together for the first time he emails you and
says let me fuck you and Nick.  It's like he's not upset.  Either that or
he's coming here to make love to you as if nothing has happened.  You were
in love with him, but was he in love with you?  I'd be angry I think."

"I don't know if I was in love with him."

Nick laughed and almost got hit.  "Okay, whatever you want to call it.
But, dude, I read my cousins Paul and Bill and you were into him.  That
ended and I think you've got all kinds of unfinished shit with him.  And,
that's cool and I don't think you're going to run off with him.  And, you
want to know something?"

"No," I said to his surprise.  Actually, he looked hurt.  "What?"

"Asshole; I think you're angry because he can come here and fuck us and
leave and be fine and not be upset like he lost the best thing that ever
happened to him.  Fuck, Jeff.  If you broke up with me there is no way I
could come here a year later and fuck you and your new boyfriend.  It would
fuck me over so bad I'd jump out our window."

"That's not saying much, we live on the second floor, cock bite," I said.

"Fuck; he wants to come here acting like nothing ever happened between the
two of you.  When Matt was with us, it didn't matter because, well, nothing
was ever there or would be between us.  But, fuck, Jeff, he's coming as if
there was nothing."

"Maybe he'd be fucked up."

"Okay, maybe he would, but if he is coming here because he has the kind of
feelings for you that I do, then I can tell you this, if it was me, I'd be
coming here to break you up.  I'd be coming hoping that you'd want me
again.  But, you know, I don't even know him and I'd bet anything that's
not it.  I bet he's coming here to get his nut.  And I know you."

"What do you know?" I asked.

"There's no way that's what it was about for you with him."

"I don't think it was just about sex for him.  I think he cared about me,"
I said, but not sure.

Nick laughed.  He almost got hit again.  (I'd never hit him, but I tell him
that he is almost getting hit.)  "I can't imagine that he wouldn't care
about you.  I am sure he loved you.  I am sure he couldn't wait to see you
and be with you, but I don't think it was for him the way it was for you.
He was miserably married and you were his affair, but his head was really
wrapped around his marriage and school and his job, but not you.  Knowing
you, your head and heart was wrapped around him."

I just ran and didn't say much.

"Jeffery."  I don't like being called Jeffery , but he gets away with it a
lot.  "Don't you get why you're angry and scared and sad."

"I never said I was sad."  He laughed again, loudly.  "Why are you
laughing?  Are you trying to piss me off?"

"You're sad.  I know you.  I've seen you cry over less.  You are sad,
`Buckoo'," he said and poked at me.

We ran for a while.  I said, "I'm sorry I said you sounded stupid.  You
never sound stupid.  Actually, I think sometimes you're too right on."

He said. "I know.  I'm pretty good aren't I?"  He laughed.  I shook my
head.  "I'm sorry I called you an asshole."

"No you're not," I said and pushed him.  He laughed.

We ran back to our apartment.  I told him I was going to shower and that I
wanted to shower alone.  That's not something we do very often.  I used all
the hot water.  When I got out he was naked and waiting to get in.  When he
got in, I said, "Laugh it up, "Buckoo"," and laughed.  I went to the
bedroom to put on my sweats when I got jumped on and wrestled to the bed.
We were laughing.  It was cold in the apartment so after he stopped trying
to wrestle with me (and I say try because in one second, if I wanted to,
he'd be pinned face down on the floor) I told him I wanted to either get
dressed or get under the covers.  He said since he had to wait for the
water to heat up that I was going to wait naked with him.  So we got under
the covers.

We talked about what I was going to say to Bill in the email.  Then we
talked about the fact that I would be seeing him at Thanksgiving.  He and
his wife would be having Thanksgiving with "the family" and Nick and I were
invited.

We never spend too much time in bed when we are naked and don't wind up
going to sleep or having sex.  I told him that I wasn't going to have sex
with him until after he showered, but before long we were all over each
other and the smell and taste of his body was, to my surprise, getting me
crazy.

I guess Nick and I are still basically naïve when it comes to man sex, but
we've never made love after working out without showering.  We've made love
in the morning without showering, and we've made love in the afternoon or
evening without showering so I know what he smells like and tastes like at
those times; and it's a turn on.

But, this was different.  First, the way he tasted; salty.  I was getting
nuts licking his chest.  When I told him how hot he tasted he told me he
was pissed that I had showered.  He made me promise we'd run the next day
and make love afterwards.  The closer I got to his crotch the saltier he
tasted and the muskier he smelled.  We got in the 69 position and I buried
my face in his crotch.  His balls were still damp and the smell was all
Nick and more.  I lock my legs around his head with my dick deep in his
mouth and began thrusting as I kept licking and sucking on his dick and
balls.  I felt like a crazed person.  I had never gotten so completely lost
in his man smell.

The fact that we were still under the covers only added to the intensity of
the experience.  He rolled on top of me and began thrusting into my mouth.
His damp and musky balls lay on my nose as he moved deep into my throat.
If I had not needed to breathe I would have kept his cock buried in my
throat so that his balls would stay rested upon my face.

I came first, and when I did it was with my legs shaking, my hips thrusting
and my face still buried in his crotch.  I moaned loudly even with his dick
in my mouth.  I could hear him moaning as my cum exploded into his mouth.
I have to admit, his moaning and swallowing my cum is one of the best parts
of receiving head from Nick.  My body reeling in pleasure, my cum exploding
from my cock, my mouth filled with his dick and him moaning loudly as if
he's saying `yeah, keep cumming, thank you for cumming in my mouth, I love
your cum, I love making you feeling like this'.

I love the sound of his moans when I am cumming.

When I was finished cumming, he kept gently sucking at my dick.  I rolled
him over so that now he was under me.  My dick was still in his mouth.  I
began bobbing up and down on his dick with feral lust as I played with his
balls.  It's hard for him to just lay still and let me suck him off.  He
always has to make the smallest thrusts with his hips.  I was sucking him
hard.  He stopped sucking my dick and then buried his face in my butt.  He
was close.

He licked and bit at my butt.  He began grunting and groaning.  I felt his
dick get rock hard and his dick head swell.  I ran my fingers over his
balls and then felt his cum hit the back of my throat.  I swallowed and
moaned as the rest of his load filled my mouth.  He was cumming a lot.  I
swallowed rather than lose any of it as he kept cumming.

He pulled out of my mouth and spun himself around.  After Nick cums he has
this powerful need to kiss.  I love it.

He wanted to get up and take a shower.  I told him I wanted to just lay and
cuddle for a while.  It was only about 10pm, but I fell asleep.  I had a
great night's sleep, too.

When I woke up in the morning, coffee was made.  It was 6:30am and Nick was
awake and reading.  I asked him what time he woke up and he said that he
set his alarm for 5am to get the reading done that he had not gotten done
the night before.  He said it in a way that was to let me know that I was
supposed to feel guilty.

I laughed.  He smiled.  I said, "I'm worth it, aren't I?"

He laughed and shook his head no.  I got up to pee and then got back in
bed.  He brought me coffee and got in bed with me and went back to reading.
We usually leave at 8:30, so I asked, "How much more reading do you have?"

"Why?"

"Well, I thought if you have the time, I'd make it up to you."

"Don't get me started.  I still have at least an hour."

"Okay.  Tonight?"

"We'll go for a run and not shower," he said and smiled.

"Okay," I said.  I could see the covers moving.  He was getting a hard-on.
I laughed and lifted the covers.

He pushed the covers back down and said, "Don't start."  I didn't.  I just
drank my coffee.

That night he got home from work/school and immediately wanted to go for a
run.

"What about dinner?" I asked.

"We can have a late dinner."  I was making us a big salad.  I put
everything back in the refrigerator.

We went for a run.  He started with, "I really don't think Bill is a bad
guy.  And, I don't think he didn't love you.  I just think he wasn't into
it like you were.  I don't think you should be hard on him, but I don't
think we should have sex with him."

"I already emailed him and told him that it would be too difficult for me.
I told him that when he and I ended our relationship the sex part had to be
over.  I told him that I love him and want to be friends with him, but that
I didn't want to have sex with him."

"Okay, cool.  So, I get to meet him at Thanksgiving," he said.

"If we go."

He laughed.  "Like you are going to tell your mom that you're not coming
for Thanksgiving."

"Maybe; maybe I'll be too busy," I said.  "I didn't go last year."

"Okay; well, I'm going.  She might be okay with you not going, but I know
she'd be disappointed if I didn't go," he said with a big smile on his
face.

"Asshole."

We ran about four miles but I made him do push-ups, sit-up and pull-ups
along the way.  I love to hear him bitch.  We got back to the apartment.  I
walked to the bathroom and he said, "Don't even think about it."

"I've got to pee," I said.

"Don't even get in the shower.  I've been thinking about this all day, and
don't forget I get to do what I want."

"Who said that?" I said and laughed.  "I never said you get what you want."

"You made me have to wake up at 5 to finish my reading, so I get what I
want."

I just laughed.  When I entered our bedroom he was naked and on the bed.
"Your all sweaty and on our sheets."

"We'll change them later.  Shut up and get over here."  I was laughing,
looking at him laying there, watching me undress as he stroked his hard
dick.  I was facing him as I was undressing and he said, "Turn around."

"Why?"

"Turn around.  I want to see you undress from behind." I knew exactly what
he wanted but I played dumb.

"What are you talking about?"

"Turn around and take off your sweats."  I turned around and undressed.
"Bend over."

"What?"

"Bend over.  I want to see you bend over."

I mumbled, "You are really a perv, you know that?"

"Whatever.  Just bend over and then get your ass over here," he said
smiling.  He loves to sound like he's in charge.

I bent over so that he could see my balls hanging between my legs.  For
some reason, that's a big turn on for him.  Then I crawled over him and lay
beside him.  He rolled over on top of me.  "So, what are you going to do to
me?" I asked as if I didn't know.  When he's like this I know exactly what
we are going to do.

"Just lay still and let me blow you," he said and smiled.

"And then you're going to fuck me," I said looking up at him.  He nodded
and smiled.

He licked my sweaty stomach and then began licking and sucking my dick and
balls.  He was really turned on.  I could hear him breathing hard and fast
and his hard dick was pushed against my leg.  Each time I tried to get more
involved he pushed my hand away or moved me back so that I was lying on my
back.  I finally just lay there and let him bring me to orgasm.  I watched
him excitedly sucking and licking at my dick and balls.  He reminded me of
a hungry animal devouring his prey.  Again, he moaned loudly as I gifted
him a nice big load.

We kissed for a while with him lying on top of me.  I'm not sure I
understand the emotion, but feeling his passion, his need for satisfaction,
his excitement always makes me want him inside of me.  I lifted my legs and
wrapped them around him.  He moved off of me and told me to roll over.  As
I did he got the lube.  It didn't take but a few more seconds and he was
inside of me.

"Damn, take it easy," I said.

"You love it and you know it," he said.

I laughed.  "You are crazy when you get like this."

"And you love it.  Don't you?" he asked.

"Yeah, I guess."  He slipped his arms under mine and then held my shoulders
and began pushing into me.  "Yeah, I do love it."

"I won't take long.  I'm so horny.  I've been thinking about you all day.
I had a hard-on most of the day."

"Take it out on me then."  I whispered, "Fuck me until I can't walk."  He
fucked me. I yelled out, "Stella, Stella."

"AH, I think you've got it wrong.  You're Stella," he said pushing hard
into me and added, "and here's Stanley," he said and pushed into me.

I laughed, "Fuck, I hate you."  He continued fucking me and breathing hard.
We were under the covers.  He was biting my shoulder and moaning and
fucking me slowly.  We were sweaty before we started playing but now we
were hot and wet from fucking.

"You feel so good," he said breathing hard.  "I love being inside you."  He
pushed into me.  "I love the way you feel under me."

He was getting close.  "Take your time, I'm liking this, too.  I'm getting
a hard-on."

"You always have to be on top, don't you," he said and pushed hard into me.
He slowed down.

I laughed to myself.  The game was on, I thought.  "What were you thinking
about?"

"What, are we going to have a conversation now?"

I laughed.  "No, I mean you said you were thinking about me all day and had
a hard-on.  What were you thinking about?"

"I don't believe you.  I was thinking about when you fuck me like you're
being an animal."

"What does that mean?"

"Can't I just nut and then tell you?"

I laughed and said, "No, tell me now."  I was having fun.  "What does that
mean?"

"Last Sunday, do you remember?  I was watching a game and you came in and
wanted to massage me.  You got me naked and on the floor and you kept
playing with my ass.  Then you got naked and started spreading my cheeks
and then the next thing I know you spit right on my butt hole.  I knew then
I was going to get fucked and fucked hard, like I was there just to get
fucked."

"Wow that sounds nasty."

"No.  Yeah I guess, but it turned me on a lot.  You fucked me like you were
possessed.  And, I loved it.  I loved turning you on so much and it felt so
fuckin' intense to just lay there and be fucked by you.  I mean I could
tell you were really into it."

"And that had you turned on all day?"

"Yeah."

"So then you come home and want to fuck me like that?"

"Yeah."

"Cool.  Okay, go ahead."  He started laughing. He stopped fucking
me. "What?"

"Ah, you're giving me permission.  Doesn't that kind of take the animal
thing out of it?"

"Oh sorry," I said and laughed.  "Okay, Nick, don't fuck me, please."

He started laughing.  "You are such a bitch.  What's with you?"

"I want to be on my back while you fuck me.  I want to be face to face and
chest to chest with you.  I don't want to do it like this."

He pulled out of me and said, "Roll over."

I did.  "Are you okay with this?" I asked.

"Very.  I think the animal is gone, but he'll be back."  I lifted my legs
for him.  He moved into me.  "I want to say one thing and then please shut
up," he said.

"Okay, what?"

"You are so fuckin hot, you get me nuts, and I love you, and you are such a
fuckin' candy ass control freak and don't think I don't know it."  I
started to say I love you, too, but he said, "Shut up.  Just fuckin' make
love to me and shut up."  I laughed.

I wrapped my legs around him and held him as he began fucking me.  We
touched each other and kissed each other.  I said, "You are so fuckin' hot
and you get me nuts, too."

He groaned, "Just shut up," and started fucking me harder.  He was licking
my shoulders and biting my neck.  "I'm gonna cum," he moaned as he began
pushing harder and faster.

"Yeah, do it. Buckoo."  He started laughing as he pounding into me.  His
arms held me tight.  His chest pushed against my chest; his hips pumping
hard against me.  I lay there and felt the full force of his orgasm as it
took over his body.  I could feel his cum erupting from his cock.

We lay in bed for a while.

I said, "I've got a hard-on."

"Yeah, so," he said,

I laughed.  "Roll over on your stomach."

He began laughing.  "No way, buckoo.  The back door is closed until after
dinner."

He jumped out of bed and ran to the shower.  I followed him into the
shower.  I begged, pleaded and cajoled him, but he would have none of it.
He just laughed a lot.  We dried off and then finished making a salad for
dinner.


I emailed Bill, again and told him that I just didn't want to open our bed
to him.  It's odd that I would even have to give a reason, but I was
feeling like I had to explain.  I told him that I felt that it was too
emotionally charged for me.  I thought that would be it, but a couple of
days later he called me.  I had just come home.  I knew I should have made
an excuse to hang up when he asked if I was alone.  I said yes, and then
wished I had not.

He wanted to talk about my decision.  I wanted to tell him that it just
wasn't okay with Nick, but I knew Nick would be angry if I did and I also
didn't want to lie.  I told him that I gave him my reason and that I really
didn't have to explain any further.

"I'm just asking for a weekend with you two?"

I said, "Don't you get that I don't want this to happen?"

"But, why?  Talk to me, maybe we can work through this."

"I don't want to work through this.  I don't want you to come here.  We'll
see you at Thanksgiving."

He answered, "But we won't get time alone."

"Exactly.  We are not going to get time alone.  It's not going to happen."

"Why are you doing this?  I really thought we had something."

I said, "I thought we did, too.  But now I am thinking we didn't, because
if we did you'd back off."  I was really getting angry now.  I mean very
angry.  I was about to go into a place I don't usually go and that's where
I get screaming angry.  I get stupid and say stupid stuff and I really try
not to go there.

Bill said, "Okay, I guess I understand that it's weird if the three of us
get together, but I don't get why you can't hook up with me."

"I'm going to hang up."

"Don't.  I just want an answer."

"Let me ask you something.  Are you being so persistent because you're
wanting me, or because you want sex with a guy?"

"What's the difference?"

"Are you into me, or are you into the sex and it doesn't matter if it's me
or not.  Am I just easy and safe to ask for sex?"

"You think this is easy."

"You know what the fuck I mean, now answer my question."

"I don't know."  There was silence.  I was not going to speak until he
answered my question.

"Is there a correct answer here?"  I didn't speak.  "I guess it's both in
away."  I still did not answer him.  "You know I love you and sex with you
was always hot and fun and safe and easy."

"If, let's say Anthony and you and I had been having sex and I said I'm out
of this, would you now be calling Anthony and not bothering me."

"Why would you mention Anthony?"

"Fuck, it doesn't matter who.  I'm just using him because we know him.
Pick someone, anyone."

"I guess I'd be calling them."

"Fine.  So then I suggest you start working on finding someone else and
stop bugging me, because I am no longer available, and as you said, it's no
longer easy."  I guess I was calming down.  I think I figured I finally
made my point or got through to him.

"It's not that easy you know.  And, I made it pretty easy for you, too."  I
couldn't believe he was going to go on with this.  "I put a lot of time and
energy into you and I think I deserve more."

This is where I lost it.  The `deserve it' thing always gets to me.  It's
like I am being unfair, or unreasonable, or being a fuck.  I started softly
growling, kind of yelling under my breath, "Look asshole, you deserve what
I say you deserve.  And what you deserve is shit.  I never asked you to do
anything you didn't want to do.  I never bothered the fuck out of you."
This is where I started yelling.  "If you would have ever said no to me,
you stupid cheating fuck, I would have backed off.  Just because you can't
get your sexuality fuckin straightened out, don't try to guilt me into
taking care of your needs.  If you need it so bad go downtown and fuckin
pay for it, but leave me the fuck alone."

"Who the fuck do you think you are talking to?" he shouted.

"I don't know.  I really don't know.  You use to say that we could be
friends if the sex was stopped.  I am asking you to back off this sex stuff
and you're like an obsessive sick fuck.  Hasn't anyone ever said no to
you?"

"You're really an ungrateful fuck you know that."

"And just why should I be grateful to you?"

"How about all the ski trips I took you on.  The tickets I paid for. The
camping trips."

"And what, that bought you my dick for how long.  Until you decide you
don't want it any longer.  Fuck off.  I swear Bill, if you don't back off,
if you get in my face, if you,"

"Yeah, what, what will you do?"

"I'll bust you."

"Meaning."

"I'll call Anthony and tell him he needs to talk to you."

"You're a real bitch," he said.  "You said you'd never tell anyone about
us.  You promised and you told him."

"I didn't mean to tell him.  It just slipped, and besides I didn't tell him
everything.  But, I swear Bill, if you don't back off I'll call him and
tell him to tell you to back off."

"Fuck you," he yelled and hung up.

I was so angry I was shaking.  Immediately, I started feeling like I had
been unfair and that I shouldn't have said what I said.  I sat down of the
sofa and started crying.  I almost called him back, but I knew the only
outcome that would be okay with him was if he and I met or I invited him
over to spend time with Nick and I, and I didn't want to do that.  I wanted
to call Nick and tell him about the conversation, but I knew he'd be upset
and he was at work.  It occurred to me that very few people can do this to
me.  Nick for sure, my mom and dad, for sure and Bill.

I decided that I didn't believe that it was just easy for him to ask for
sex.  I decided that he is still really into me and can't admit it.  That
made it ever worse for me.  I thought that I must have hurt him in the
worst possible way.  I was confused and starting to get crazy and I
couldn't talk to anyone about it.  I knew I had to wait until Nick came
home to talk to him.  I wanted to call Anthony.  I knew he'd listen and
he'd talk to me and make sense of it, but I also knew he'd call Bill and
that would make it even worse for Bill, especially after what I said to
him.

So, I waited.

Nick came home and found me on the sofa curled up in a ball.

I told him about my conversation with Bill.  He listened.  I kept worrying
that it was going to hurt him, or scare him, or make him hate Bill.  And I
didn't want any of that.  But I had to tell him.  I'm not that good an
actor and I knew he'd be on me about why I was in a mood and then I'd start
a fight with him.

I asked him to please not get crazy.  He listened.  He said, "He's in love
with you.  This is not about easy sex.  I bet he has other guys he has sex
with.  There is no way he's gone a year without.  And you say he's hot, and
he's on a college campus; he's getting it.  He just misses you.  He doesn't
want to admit that to you, though.  I think he figured of the two choices
you gave him that was the one that might have gotten him in our bed."

I said, "But that makes what I did even worse."

"He's an adult.  If he plays games, then he pays the price.  If he told you
that he was in love with you, you would have never said those things.  If
you ever said to me that I was just easy safe sex I would lash out at you a
lot worse than you did.  If he said he was in love with you and wanted you,
I think you would have cried and said you just can't or something like
that."

"I was such a fuckin asshole.  I hate when I get that angry."

"Yeah, you can be an asshole sometimes, but this wasn't one of them.  He
hurt you and he's being an asshole.  Email him; tell him you are sorry and
that you'd never bust him and that you still don't want to sleep with him,
but you want to see him at Thanksgiving and that you hope you can be
friends."

"I don't know.  Maybe we shouldn't go."

"I'm going.  I promised your mother and Anthony.  Maybe you can break
promises to them, but I can't."

"I hate you," I said.

"You are going to have to face him sometime.  Get it over with."

I was lying on the sofa while we were talking.  He was sitting on the floor
looking at me.  He still had his jacket on.  He got up, took off his jacket
and shoes and then pushed me to make room for himself on the sofa.  He lay
beside me and wrapped his arms around me.  The first thing I thought was if
he wants sex right how I'm going to physically hurt him.  He didn't.  He
held me and didn't say anything for a while.

"Maybe the only way he could get over you was to provoke you.  Maybe he
couldn't let go of you and wanted to make you push him away."

"So then I shouldn't see him at Thanksgiving."

He laughed and said, "It's kind of cool seeing you be a coward."

"Asshole, I really do hate you."

He laughed, "I know and I hate you, too."

"No, you're not making any sense.  If he needed to push me away then
shouldn't I stay away?  Why am I being a coward?"  He laughed again.  "You
better stop the laughing.  I'm close to getting angry at you."

"You always talk about people being responsible for themselves.  Now you
are wanting to be responsible for Bill.  I think you are just afraid to
face him because it is going to be hard.  If Bill has to not see you then
he should not come, not you."

"Fuck, I hate you."

He laughed again.  I looked at him.  "Sorry," he said smiling.  "It's just
nice to be able to take care of you the way you take care of me."

"I'm not feeling taken care of."

"Yes you do."

I smiled and said, "I really do hate you.  And I really do want to fight
with you.  I mean I really do.  Please say something so I can start yelling
at you."

He laughed again and said, "I know.  I've been waiting for you to let me
have it."  We both started laughing.  I know he's becoming part of my
family because he's started using my family trite sayings.  He said, "I
feel like I'm walking on thin ice and I am about to get my ears boxed back,
or you're going to go and get that pot that everyone talks about."

I started laughing and nodded.  "I know.  I was feeling that you were about
to get it, too."

We lay on the sofa for a while longer and then I got up and emailed Bill.
I told him that I was really sorry for being so angry and I didn't mean
what I said.  I told him that I'd never bust him.  And I told him that I
was sorry he was upset about my decision, but I was doing what I thought
was best for me.  I told him I loved him.

Nick and I had stir fry for dinner.  We spent the night doing school work,
and then we went to bed.  We didn't have sex of make love, we just spooned
and went to sleep.

The next day I checked my computer and there was an email from Bill.  He
said he was sorry for being so pushy and that he didn't take anything I
said seriously.  He said that he wished my decision would be different but
that he would try to accept it.  He said he loved me, too.  He said he was
nervous about meeting Nick and was sure Nick must hate him.

I sent him an email and said "Thank you.  I've told Nick everything and he
doesn't hate you at all.  He said that he understands and is looking
forward to meeting you."

I guess I was relieved but also depressed.  As much as this is what I
wanted I was sad.  I guess I was in a mood for about a week.  Nick was
pretty good about it, or maybe he was too afraid to get in my face about
anything.  I cried several times during the week.  It actually felt nice,
in some weird way.  It wasn't a bad crying thing.  It was more of a letting
go crying.  And, since I wanted to let go, it was okay.  We made love
several times during the week but not as much as usual.  I think we both
noticed, too.

But that was temporary.  I guess I knew it would be.  Before long we were
both very involved with school and the pressure of papers and each other.
Bill was just a background concern.  Thanksgiving was weeks away.

But, of course, weeks pass and before long we were planning our trip to
Anthony's.  That's where we were having Thanksgiving this year.  We were
going to have Christmas and my parents and usually Anthony's father has a
holiday, but he hasn't been feeling well so Anthony decided he wanted to do
Thanksgiving.  If my uncle was having Thanksgiving at his house, Nick and I
would not have gone.  He doesn't agree with the homosexual `lifestyle'.
Anthony asked Nick and me to stay at his house.  We accepted.  We were
flying there on Tuesday night and having dinner with Anthony and his wife,
my uncle and his partner and my cousin Margaret and her husband on
Wednesday night at my uncle's house and then Thanksgiving dinner with the
family, including Bill and his wife, on Thursday.

Nick and I would be celebrating our one year anniversary the week after
Thanksgiving.  We decided that we wouldn't buy gifts for each other.  That
was just going to be too weird.  And besides, my birthday and Christmas
were coming up.  We decided that we would either do something for each
other, or make something, or promise to do something.  I knew Nick would
come up with something sexual, so I decided that I would have to do
something funny, romantic and something that would touch him.  I thought
about it for a while.  I talked to Anthony.  He had no ideas.  I talked to
his wife, she had one.  I liked it and laughed about it a lot; a lot.  I
knew he'd hate it so much that he'd love it.

I decided I would give it to him at the dinner on Wednesday night with
everyone there.  We had dinner and then my uncle brought out a cake that
had written on it Happy Anniversary to Nick and Jeff.  He laughed and then
my uncle said, "I hear that Jeff has something for you."

If you've been reading this and if you remember, Nick hates the way I sing.
Actually, he says what I do is not singing, it's more like the sound a
dying animal would make, or someone who is constipated and trying to take a
shit.  He has others that he comes up with while I sing.  I might add that
everyone in my family has heard me sing in the past.  My mother says that I
just have a style of my own that is yet to be appreciated.  Moms are
wonderful that way.

Anyway, I stood up and left the room.  Nick just stared at me.  Anthony's
wife, Carol, had found a really cheap wig.  I think it was a Halloween wig
that looked like a crazy Tina Turner wig.  Carol helped me get the wig on.
I took off my shirt and put on a tee shirt and rolled up the sleeves.  I
took my pants, shoes and socks off.  I had boxer briefs on.  We took a
towel and folded it in half width-wise and wrapped it around my waist so
that it made something that looked like a short skirt.  My uncle put on a
CD. It was Tina Turner singing "Let's stay together". I entered the dining
room and started singing.

At first Nick's mouth fell open as I began to sing.  He started laughing
and saying "No way, you can't be doing this," but I kept singing and I sang
it all.

Let me say, since, baby.  Since we've been together Loving you forever Is
all I need Let me be the one you come running to I'll never be untrue.

Oh baby, let's, let's stay together Loving you whether, whether Times are
good or bad, happy or sad

I, I'm so in love with you Whatever you want to do Is all right with me
Cause you make me feel so brand new I want to spend my whole life with you

Let me say since, baby, since we've been together Loving you forever Is all
I need Let me be the one you come running to I'll never be untrue

Oh baby, let's, let's stay together Loving you whether, whether Times are
good or bad, happy or sad (here is where I did a Tina Turner type dance)

Why, oh tell me, why do people break up Then turn around and make up I just
can't see You'd never do that to me, oh would you baby Being around you is
all I see

So baby, let's, we oughta stay together Loving you whether, whether Times
are good or bad, happy or sad.

Let's stay together Times are good or bad, happy or sad.

Let's stay together Loving you whether, whether Let's stay together Loving
you whether, whether.


Well, by the time I finished the song, and I did finish the song, everyone
was laughing, except Nick.  He was crying.  Only Carol noticed his tears.
She was sitting next to him and started crying also.  I was too busy doing
Tina to notice until I got to the end.  I'm glad I didn't notice because as
soon as I did see the tears rolling down his cheeks I almost started
crying.  Anthony was videoing it.  My uncles' partner said I should do it
again without the towel.  Margaret looked at Nick and started crying.

I went over and sat next to Nick and hugged him.  I took off the wig.

Margaret punched her husband in the arm and said, "See, if you did stuff
like that you'd be having as much sex as they do."

Everyone laughed and then I said, "How do you know how much sex we have?"
I looked at Nick and he looked away.  He started laughing again.

Carol said, "Margaret and I asked him."

There is something about being in an Italian family that means you don't
have many secrets.  "What did you tell them?" I asked Nick.

Margaret jumped in, "Don't answer him."  Then she said to me, "So what's
your answer?"  I just laughed and shook my head.  "Come on, he already
spilled the beans."

"Spilled the beans?" I asked.

"Shut up and tell us."

"This family is full of perverts."  They all laughed.  "I don't know.  You
mean in like a normal week?"

"Yeah, a normal week," Margaret said.

"I guess," I was trying to count, "When you say have sex, does that mean
how many times we stop and go at each other because sometimes we'll have
more than one orgasm each, so does that count as two or three or is it
still one," I said and laughed.  "And when you say have sex, does that
include making love?"

Margaret's husband, John said, "Oh fuck, this is going to make me cry."

I said, "Probably seven or eight.  Sometimes more, usually not less.
Probably three or four times a week we have sex and three or four times a
week we make love."

Margaret said, "What's the difference between making love and having sex."

Carol said, "Margaret, it's a guy thing."

Anthony said to Carol, "Oh, I don't know.  You've gotten pretty good at
having sex."  She punched him.

John said, "So you guys have sex every night?"

Nick said, "No. not every night.  Usually, we make love on Friday night.
Actually, we always make love on Friday night.  We usually don't go out
because we are pretty much tired from the week.  So we usually have dinner,
watch a DVD or something like that and then jump in bed and make love.
Then Mr. In-a-comma falls asleep.  I swear when he goes to sleep there
could be a fire in our bed and he'd sleep through it."

Anthony said, "He has always been like that," laughing.

I said, "Don't even go there."

Nick said, "Go where.  Tell me," he pleaded with Anthony.

Carol said, "We've all heard the story.  Tell him, Anthony."

Everyone except John and Nick and I was laughing.  Nick pleaded.

Anthony said, "Well, each year we'd go skiing over Christmas and/or over
semester break.  Jeff was about fourteen."

"I just turned fifteen.  Asshole."

"We drove and got in late.  How many were we," he asked Margaret.

She answered.  "We had three cars.  I think there were about twelve of us."
She turned to her husband and said, "Mostly cousins and a few friends."

Anthony said, "We had a three bedroom condo.  The girls got two bedrooms
and the guys got the other bedroom and the living room.  We all had
sleeping bags.  And there was a sofa bed.  Anyway, we got in late and got
up early and then skied hard all day.  Jeff was getting to be pretty good
on skies and showing off all day.  We went back to the condo.  I think they
kicked us off the mountain that day because we were skiing after the lifts
were going to close.  We went back and made dinner.  We all had two or
three beers and so did little Jeffery.  We were all hanging out and then
noticed that Mr. In-a-comma fell asleep on the sofa.  It wasn't opened.  He
was fully dressed.  Jeff was sleeping with me in one of the beds in the
bedroom.  Kenny was using the other bed, if I remember, and the rest of the
guys were in the living room.

"The girls went to bed.  We tried to wake Jeffery but he just moaned and
went back to sleep.  Kenny and I literally picked him up and put him on my
shoulder and I carried him to the bedroom.  Everyone was amazed he didn't
wake up.  I mean he'd look at us and moan but then would just close his
eyes and out he'd go.  We laid him down on the bed and started to undress
him.  I was taking his shoes off.  Then someone,"

I jumped in, "Yeah, right someone.  It was you."

"I think it was Kenny.  We had him stripped down to his boxers and someone
started to laugh.  Someone got the idea that we should tie a bow around his
dick so that when he woke up in the morning he'd see it."

John said, "Oh fuck, you guys didn't."

I said, "No they didn't."

Margaret said, "They came into our rooms and tried to find ribbon or
something."

Anthony said, "No one had anything.  Then Kenny said,"

"Yeah, yeah," I said, "Blame it on Kenny, because he's not here.  He says
it was you."

"Kenny said we should shave his pubes."

Nick started to laugh.  John said, "Oh yeah, I heard about this."

"So I went and got a pair of scissors.  Someone pulled down his boxers and
Kenny started clipping hair.  He's not all that hairy and he didn't have
all that much hair to clip, but we were all laughing so much I almost peed
my pants.  Then Kenny said we should shave him.  We were sure he'd wake up.
We got some shaving cream and a razor.  But someone had to hold his teeny
weenie."

"Yeah right," I said.

"Teeny," Nick said.

Anthony said, "Yeah, exactly.  I mean we could tell the boy was gifted but,
anyway, Kenny said to me, you hold it, I'll shave."

Nick asked, "So how many guys were standing there watching this?"

Anthony said, "Let's see, five, I'd guess.  So, Kenny puts some saving
cream on Jeff and we're all watching to see if he's going to wake up.  He's
out cold.  Kenny gently begins to shave him and I'm holding his weenie out
of the way.  Then I feel it coming to life.  I said, `Guys he's waking up.'
They all looked up toward his face and I said, `no down here'.  Kenny kept
shaving and then wiped off the rest of the cream and I let go of what was
now more like a salami.  It just sprung upward on his stomach."

"I swear I hate you," I said to Anthony.

He laughed.  "Kenny said, `Oh my god, he is so hung, and fuck he's probably
still growing.'"

Carol was laughing; Margaret leaned over and kissed me.  Nick was laughing.
My uncle's partner said, "I wish I was there."

John said, "How hung are you?"

I just stared at him.  Of course Nick couldn't keep his mouth shut, "He's
eight, eight and a half when he's with me," and laughed.  I pinched him.

"Go ahead and tell the rest of the story," I said.

"Anyway, after they all get their curiosity satisfied we pull up his
boxers, and get him into bed.  He and I shared the bed," Anthony said.
"Which was a little scary.  And we went to sleep."  He started laughing.
So did Margaret.

Now Margaret was laughing so much she was tearing.  She said, "A lot of us
were awake and up when Jeff decided he would get out of bed.  Jeff marched
into the bathroom.  All of us were trying not to laugh.  Then we hear this
voice yelling, `What the fuck.  Oh fuck.'.  He comes charging out of the
bathroom and is all red and looking really pissed.  We were all laughing so
hard."

Nick asked. "The girls knew about it?"

"Yeah, they told us," Margaret said.

Anthony said, "He was so pissed.  He kept saying, `I'm going to tell my
mother on you guys.' which, of course, sent us into hysterics.  Can you
imagine him going home and telling his mother?  She would fall down from
laughing.  Someone actually handed him the phone.  My aunt would have peed
herself.

Anthony said, "Anyway, he's yelling at us, `You assholes.  I have baseball
next semester and I shower with the team.  They're going to see me.'  We
couldn't stop laughing.  Everything he said just made it all the more
funny.  Kenny was laughing so hard he had to run and pee.  I almost threw
up, I was laughing so hard.  And then as he's walking back into the
bathroom he yells `And it's going to itch me'.  Well, it was just too
funny."

Margaret was laughing hard.  Nick was laughing.  Carol was laughing.  My
uncle said, "Come on Jeff, you know it was funny."

Anthony said, "You know it was done out of love.  You know Kenny adores
you, probably more than any of us, and you know that I love you.  You were
out little cousin."

Carol said, "Not so little."

"Go ahead, tell him the rest," I said.

"Anyway, he pouted most of the day.  Then I think it was Mark who made some
remark about how hung Jeff was.  Jeff looked like he was going to cry.  He
was really angry then and he looked really embarrassed."

Margaret said, "Why would you be embarrassed?  I think you'd be proud."

"Because they saw me with a hard-on."

Margaret asked, "Do you get embarrassed now if a guy sees you."

"No, but I was a kid then.  It felt like I was really exposed or something.
It felt horrible."

Anthony said, "Yeah, we all felt bad for him.  Like it was unfair.  Later
that night when the girls went to bed, Jeff was in the bedroom alone
pouting.  Kenny was feeling bad.  He went in and said he was sorry, but
Jeff wouldn't even answer him.  Kenny went up to him and tried to talk to
him but Jeff just glared at him.  We all went in and tried to talk to him.
I felt badly, too.  But Kenny was worried.  He said, `I'm sorry I shaved
you, it seemed funny at the time.  We didn't even think that you'd get
excited.  What can I do to make it up to you?'  Jeff glared at him and
said," Anthony said to me, "What did you tell him?"

I said, "You shaved me and saw he excited, so then I get to shave you and
see you excited."

Anthony said, "Then I said, `I didn't shave you.'  And then Jeff said,
`Whoever saw me, I get to see.'  Kenny got up and went and got the scissors
and the shaving cream and razor.  He said to Jeff, `cut the hair first and
then shave it.'  He lay down on the bed and took off his pants and boxers."

Nick asked me, "Your cousin Kenny really did that?"

I said, "Yes.  He took off his pants and boxers and just lay there.  I cut
his pubes off with the scissors.  He's not very hair either. None of us
are.  But he had hairy balls and I wasn't going to go there.  So he cut the
hair on his balls and then shaved them and then he gave me the cream and
the razor and I shaved his pubes."

"With everyone watching?"

Anthony said, "Well we were there, but we weren't watching.  I mean we kind
of watched."

I said, "As I was shaving his pubes his dick started to get hard.  He said
to me, `That's what happened when we were shaving you.'  I moved his dick
out of the way and I finished shaving him.  He said to me.  So, how much
bigger do you think you are?'  I said, `I don't know.'  He sat up and said,
`Let's compare.  Anthony and I compared'.  He said to me, `Really, Jeff, we
didn't mean to hurt your feelings.  We were teasing you and it went too
far'."

Nick asked. "How old was Kenny?"

Anthony said, "I guess about twenty, maybe nineteen.  He really felt bad.
So he's sitting there with a hard on.  I looked at Mark and the other guys
and said, `if you're not going to compare you should leave the room.  They
all got up and started unzipping.  So we are all standing there pants to
the floor with our hard dicks in our hands, Kenny is shaved bald, and Jeff
gets up drops his pants.  So we all checked each other out and then we all
started to laugh.  Here we were six guys with hard-ons and the girls, our
cousins unfortunately, in the other rooms asleep."

Margaret said, "Guys are such pigs."

My uncle's partner said, "Damn, I wish I was there."

Nick asked, "Will Kenny be at the dinner tomorrow?"

Anthony said, "Yes, when I told him `the squirt' and you were coming he
said he was going to drive here with his wife and son."

Nick looked at me and asked, "Did you stay angry at him?"

"No.  I remember he called me a couple of weeks later and asked me if I was
getting crap about my shaved pubes from the team.  I told him that I just
told them the joke my cousins pulled on me and they all laughed and thought
it was funny and never said anything else.  He asked me if I was itching
and I told him I was and he said he was, too.  I remember he asked if I was
still angry at him and I told him that I wasn't' and that it would be a
funny memory."

Carol said, "He always asks about you.  He knows that we see you.  When was
the last time you saw him?"

I said, "My graduation.  He flew in for my graduation."

Nick asked, "Why does everyone love Jeff so much.  I mean it seems like all
you cousins pick him as the one you love."

I said, "That's not true.  I have cousins that I don't like and don't like
me."

"He's got a point," Anthony said.  "There's a group of us that are very
close and I think it's probably true that Jeff is everyone's favorite."

"Why?"

"Well, he was the youngest and everyone felt protective of him because he
always wanted to do what the rest of us were doing.  He was very loving and
loveable."

"Gross," I said.

"I mean as a kid.  You were five or six or seven and we were ten, twelve,
fifteen, eighteen.  You always were excited when we'd come over and cry
when we left.  We started taking you with us when we'd go places and you
were always so good and happy.  I remember taking you to a movie once.  It
was Kenny and Mark and I and you.  I think you were about eight. We were at
this mall and there were like twelve movies or something and all these
people.  I was talking to Mark and I realized I didn't know where you were
at.  I looked around and I say Kenny.  So he was about twelve or so, and he
was holding your hand.  You were walking with him and talking to him and
you were looking up at him like he was your best friend.  Then you saw me
and you smiled.  I don't know, that memory always stays with me.

"When you got older you were more of a brat but we still loved you," he
said and laughed.

Nick asked.  "Why did you say Kenny loves him the most of all the cousins?
Are they closest in age?"

Anthony said, "No, I think Paulie is about your age."  I nodded.  "Billy
and Kenny are about the same age, aren't they?  Maybe Kenny is a little
older."

"No, Billy is older," I said.

"Kenny is the youngest in his family and he's the only boy.  Kenny and Jeff
lived near each other and Kenny was in the same elementary school.  Also,
my aunt always favored Kenny of all the cousins.  Their mother's are
sisters and very close in age and Jeff's mom is Kenny's godmother.  So I
think Kenny always like them and liked Jeff.  It's weird we all felt
protective of Jeff."

Margaret said, "He was just the cutest, too.  He was a beautiful baby and
the cutest kid.  And he was always very affectionate.  He loved to sit on
my lap.  And we use to baby sit for him and when the family got together we
were all teens when he was a kid and we'd take care of him so my aunt and
uncle could have fun with the family.  He was the family baby."

My uncle said, "Anthony got it right.  He was always very loveable;
wide-eyed, happy, funny.  We would get him to sing songs for us and we'd
laugh.  What was that song he'd sing when he was a kid?"  Everyone started
laughing and Margaret started singing and then everyone started singing,
"I'm a little teapot short and stout."  My uncle explained how I would
stand in the living room and sing and dance to this song.

"Oh my god, you mean you encourage this," Nick said.

Margaret asked me, "Did you ever tell Nick about the way you and the guys
danced at weddings."

"What is it with you guys tonight?" I said.

Margaret and Carol laughed.  Carol said, "It started at a wedding right?
It was before my wedding."

Margaret said, "Oh yeah.  One of the girls got the idea, I think it was
from the Bill Cosby show.  You know when they danced for their
grandparents.  Anyway, they had Kenny, Anthony, Mark and of course Jeff do
this thing for the family at one of the holidays."

"Anthony said, "It was a Christmas dinner.  The girls got us to learn some
steps like we were the Jackson brothers."

Nick said, "And let me guess, Jeff was Michael."

Anthony said, "Of course."

Margaret said, "I was one of the ones that use to help them get it together
and then they decided that they would do it at our wedding reception.  They
did `Proud Mary'."

Anthony said, "And guess who was singing.  Oh yeah, and that was new."

I was laughing.  "It was Kenny and Mark and Anthony and me singing and we
changed it to Proud Maggie.  So then it got to be a thing where at each
wedding we'd get up and sing and dance in a line."

Nick was laughing, "But you are so bad."

"Yeah, I guess to, but that's what made it fun.  I mean everyone would
laugh and yell and stand up and applaud.  It got to be a thing where we had
to do it.  It's funny because Mark probably has the best voice but he would
never be the one to sing."

Carol said, "If you are good, then people expect you to be good.  That's a
lot of pressure.  But, if you are bad, you can just get up there and be
bad.  But, Jeff has the dancing gene.  He was wonderful.  Everyone said
that he was born with detached hips, because of the way he'd shake his butt
and swing his hips."

Nick said, "Well, he certainly doesn't have the singing gene.  But I agree
that he has the hip thing down cold.  I think he has the shameless gene,
too."

Anthony asked me, "You know Billy and his wife are coming to dinner.  They
are in town."

"Yeah, I've been emailing him."

Carol said, "I hate his wife; she's such a bitch."

Margaret said, "I never got Billy.  To tell you the truth I always thought
he was gay."  I felt my stomach churn.  I tried to think of something to
change the subject.

Anthony said, "Kenny and his wife are coming skiing with us this year.  Did
you know that?"

I said, "No, oh wow, cool.  That will be great.  I haven't skied with Kenny
in about four years."

Margaret asked me, "You're close to Billy, I mean you guys have gone
camping and stuff and skiing, has he ever said anything to you about maybe
being gay."

I thought I was going to turn bright red.  Anthony said, "Margaret if Billy
talked to Jeff about something like that, Jeff would never talk about it.
If you want to know if he's gay, you should just ask him."

Nick got quiet; noticeable quiet.  I asked him, "You okay?"

"You are all really lucky to have each other.  The way you all love each
other.  The way you all hang out and laugh and tease and talk about
personal stuff with each other.  I mean it seems weird on some level but
it's really nice."

Carol leaned over and kissed him.  John said, "So, Nick you were saying you
always make love on Friday nights.  How do you get to seven or eight?"

Margaret said, "God, you are really obsessed with this, aren't you."

"Jealous," John said.

Nick smiled.  "We sleep in Saturdays and when Jeff wakes up I get him his
coffee."

Margaret said, "You GET him his coffee."

"Yeah, I get him coffee every morning; he likes to have coffee in bed."

Margaret said to her husband, "See if you sang to me and brought me coffee
in bed you might get it more often."

He said, "Put that in writing."  Then he looked at Nick and said, "Then?"

"We get up and shower together and that usually leads to sex.  Not making
love, but thrown down on the bed type of sex."

John asked, "Is there one of you who always does one thing and the other
does," Margaret punched him.

I said, "No, that's okay.  It's cool for him to ask," I said to Margaret.
"No, there's no boy/girl thing.  We both do and get done, depending on what
mood we are in."

Nick said, "What mood he's in," and laughed.  "We study all day Saturday,
and then we go shopping for groceries and out to dinner.  Sometimes we go
out with friends and go dancing or we rent a DVD or go to a movie and then
back for either sex or love making.  Sunday I like to have a beer or two
and watch a game on TV.  Jeff studies or grades papers and usually attacks
me sometime in the afternoon.  I don't think I've made it through a game
this season.  That's always sex; `take no prisons, on the floor or over the
back of the sofa' animal kind of sex.  Sunday night is love making.  Monday
is a late day for me so a lot of times it's just home, something to eat and
bed.  Tuesday I get home early and we always go for a run, then home and
sometimes I attack him and then we have dinner.  Wednesday and Thursday we
usually run one night and probably make love one of those nights for sure
and then we are back to Friday when we usually run."

"Damn," John said to Margaret, "If I leave you it's going to be for a guy."

She said, "I'll help you pack."

John asked, "Do you guys shower together often?"

"Almost always," Nick said.

I said, "I like to take long showers.  If we both take long showers we run
out of hot water.  So we shower together and we can take a long shower."

Margaret laughed.  "Yeah, that's what you might tell your mother, but give
me a break."

John said to Margaret, "We should shower together."

Margaret said, "Guys are gross, they pee in the shower."

Nick said to Margaret, "Don't you pee in the shower?"

Margaret said, "If I pee standing up, it runs down my legs."

Nick said, "So, when I pee in the shower, it runs down Jeff's legs."

I punched him.  Carol and Anthony laughed.

We decided to have cake.  Then we helped my uncle clean up and we all left.
The drive back to Anthony's was nice.  Carol talked about skiing after
Christmas.  When we got to their house Nick and I went to bed.  When we got
in bed Nick told me that he loved my anniversary gift.  Then he got sullen
and said, "It's just weird being with everyone."  Then he started to cry.

"Is this a bad cry?"  He didn't answer.  "You know they love you.  You know
you are so much a part of this family.  Believe me, if they didn't they
would never talk the way they do.  You watch Carol tomorrow with Bill and
his wife.  She's like my mom when she doesn't like someone she is cold."

"I know."

"Anthony really likes you.  He always asks about you.  You know he likes
you."  He nodded.  "Kenny is really cool.  You are going to like him.  He's
into football.  He's really easy to talk to, a lot of fun.  My mom really
does love him.  Kind of the way she treats you."

He stopped crying and just lay there.  "Why are you upset?"

"I don't know.  It's confusing.  When you were singing I started laughing
so hard then all of a sudden I was sad and crying.  I don't know where it
came from.  I don't get it.  It was just so intense, sitting with your
family, and they love you so much, and I love you and you are singing that
you love me and they are so happy and laughing.  I mean you really are
terrible and yet it was wonderful.  It just was too much all of sudden."

"Was it bad, too much or good, too much?"

He laughed.  "Good, too much.  You don't understand because you've been
surrounded by this all your life.  I can't even imagine guys getting up at
a wedding and singing and dancing and being so bad and everyone loving it.
Fuck, Jeff, Anthony loves you.  Bill loves you.  Margaret loves you, and
now there's Kenny who loves you the most.  And who is Mark?"

"Another cousin; Margaret's younger brother.  But, we are a lot of cousins
and that's only four or five of them."  He started laughing again.  "What?"

"That's only four of them.  You don't get it.  There are people who have
cousins and brothers and sisters who don't love them the way they love you.
I didn't grow up having anyone love me the way they love you."

I said, "Yeah, I know.  I know I'm lucky.  Really, I'm not saying it like
it was only four.  I mean I have cousins that don't like me and I don't
like them."

"I know, and I don't like them either.  You'll have to tell me who they
are," he said and smiled.

I said, "I'm glad Kenny is coming tomorrow.  I mean it, you'll like him.
You watch, he'll come right up to you and talk to you.  He's cool.  And so
is his wife."  I asked him, "Are you still sad?"

"No.  It just is overwhelming I think.  The way you all joke and talk and
tease and laugh is the exact opposite of how my parents were.  I know this
sounds stupid to say, but I wish I had cousins that shaved my pubes off,"
he said and smiled at me.

"Yeah, I know.  You know what the coolest part of that was?"

"What?"

"That Kenny got so upset that I was upset.  I mean he could have just
laughed at me when I was upset and said, suck it in kid, so we saw you, so
what.  But he didn't.  I mean he took off his clothes and said, go ahead
and shave me and look at me like I looked at you.  I mean if I had a cousin
who was younger than me and had a dick that was bigger than mine, I don't
know if I would have done what he did."

"Yeah, you would have, and then he called you.  How big was he?"

"He and Anthony are about the same, but I remember that Kenny had a big sac
and his balls looked big.  Mark was smaller.  Richie, he's another cousin
was like Mark and the other guy was Mark's friend and he was the smallest."

"About how big were Kenny and Anthony?"

"Well, I wasn't all that much bigger, but I was not eight inches then I
don't think.  I guess they were about seven, probably.  Like you?  But, I
remember Kenny mostly because I was shaving him and staring at it while it
started to get hard and then had to hold it while I shave him.  It looked
pretty big to me.  But I remember that I was bigger and I remember Kenny
saying that I would still grow.

"You won't tell anyone this, will you?"  I asked him.

"No; what?"

"Promise?"

"Yes," Nick said.  "Don't tell me you had sex with Kenny."

"No.  But, we all went skiing when I was a senior in high school.  It was
only about six or seven of us.  Kenny and I shared a room.  It had a queen
bed.  We each had our sleeping bags, so we weren't sleeping together, but
we were on the same bed.  We were talking about stuff and he said something
about when he shaved my pubes.  We laughed.  He asked me if I had gotten
any bigger.  I told him that I thought I had.  He was saying stuff like,
`you're kidding me, right' and stuff like that.  Then he said, `you want to
compare again?'  I said, okay.  So he opened his sleeping bag and his dick
is out and hard.  He turns on the light near the bed and just lays there so
I could see it.  So, I opened my sleeping bag and pulled off my boxers and
he looks at me.  He took off his boxers, gets out of bed and says, `stand
up'.  So I got out of bed and stood next to him.  We are face to face
staring down at each other.  He says, `nice dick, coz, the girls are going
to love you'.  He reached down and measured me using his hands and then
measured his.  He said, `we are about the same thickness but you're about
an inch longer'.  I reached down a put my hand around his and then mind.
They felt the same.  Then he just gets back in his sleeping bag.  I got in
mine.  Then he turned off the light.  I couldn't fall asleep.  I guess he
couldn't either, because later I heard him jerking off, and then I heard
him cum.  I mean not loud but he was lying right next to me.  At first I
wasn't sure if he was jerking or having a dream and moving and stuff, but
when he came I could hear him breathing hard."

"What did you do?"

"I jerked off.  Not loud, but I figured he heard me."

"You can't cum and not be heard, buckoo."

"Well, the next day we were on a lift and he said he was sorry, that he
thought I was asleep, you know I'm Mr. In-a-comma, as you say, or he
wouldn't have jerked off.  I told him that it was cool with me, that I
didn't care and that I jerked off, too.  He said that he heard me and
laughed and said I was cool.  We never talked about it again, and he never
asked to see my dick again."

"Did he ever jerk off again?"

"Yeah, a couple of nights later he did.  He didn't even wait for me to go
to sleep.  As soon as he turned the lights off and said good night, I could
hear him jerking.  He was on his side with his back toward me and I could
feel the bed moving a little."

"What did you do?"

"I rolled over with my back toward him and jerked off.  I guess we jerked
off together.  But, I never saw him jerking off.  It was kind of fun."

Nick and I lay there for a few minutes and then Nick got lube, put it on
his butt hole and on my dick and said, "Fuck me, slowly?"  I got on top of
him, entered him and began fucking him.  We kissed a lot.  He masturbated
and I thrust slowly.  When he got close I pushed hard and quick into him
until he stopped cumming.  Then I came.  I don't remember much after that
because I soon fell asleep, which was surprising since tomorrow I was going
to see Bill.

The next morning Nick and I slept in, then showered and then dressed.  I
wanted coffee and I was hungry.  Nick made his way to the kitchen.  My mom
and dad had already arrived.  When I got to the kitchen Nick was at the
table and Carol and my mom were making breakfast for us.

My dad was talking to Nick.  I was starting to feel nervous.  Right after
breakfast Anthony told Nick and me that we had to help him get the house
ready for the mob.  The women were cooking; Margaret and her husband had
arrived to help.  Nick and I, and Anthony and John were busy setting up a
big table and getting chairs and the beer and wine chilled (we chill our
red wine).  Anthony and I ran some errands; we had to pick up pies.

Anthony asked, "When was the last time you saw Billy and his wife?"

"Damn, it's been a couple of years since I've seen her.  I saw Bill last
year."

"You guys okay with each other?"

"I guess."

"You know I love you both, but I'm not always sure I like him," Anthony
said.

"You don't need to be protective.  He knows you know, and he is upset about
that.  Please don't say anything," I said.

"If I want to be protective of you, I will.  You're still my baby cousin,
but I won't say anything, I promise.  Just tell me the truth."

I said, "I promise you that nothing is happening or will ever happen
again."

"Nick is good for you and you are clearly good for him."

"I know."

"Carol really likes him.  She wants to adopt him."

"Yeah, I think my mother wants to adopt him, too.  I told her she can't or
I'll be fucking my brother."

"You didn't say that."

"Well, not like that but,"

"Your mom is a good lady."

I almost started crying.  I thought about Nick and his family and Bill and
seeing him and then about Anthony and how cool he is.  I thought about
seeing Kenny.  I wanted to say something but I was nervous.  Sometimes it
is difficult.  "When Nick and I went to bed he started to cry."

"Why?"

"Don't say anything to him, okay?"  He nodded.  "Well, it was about his
family, but it was also about all the fun we were having.  He said that he
really likes you and Carol and that he knows you like him and that it means
a lot to him.  He said he gets overwhelmed with everything."

"He's a good man."

"I really want to thank you.  You've always been a great cousin; always.
When I was a kid I always loved being around you.  I still do," my voice
was cracking.

He pulled at me, he was driving.  He said, "I love you, too."  We got to
his house.  I started opening the back of the SUV to get the pies that were
in a cooler so they wouldn't slide around.  Anthony pulled me to him and
kissed me on the mouth.  (It's an Italian thing.  It's not a wet kiss.
It's a quick kiss, but on the lips.)  We hugged.

When we walked inside Kenny was there.  He was on the patio talking to Nick
and my dad and John.  I looked out the kitchen window and watched to see
how Nick was doing and he was talking to Kenny and smiling.  Kenny and he
were smiling at each other and chatting away.  My dad looked like odd man
out.

His wife came up to me and kissed me and said that Nick looks like Orlando
Bloom.  I told her that he knew that and laughed.  She said, "Go and say
hello to Kenny, he drove all the way here to see you."

I asked, "Where's Jimmy (their son)?"

"Napping.  Go say hello to your cousin."

I walked outside.  When Kenny saw me he smiled big and said, "Squirt" as he
walked over to me and gave me this big hug.  Then he kissed me.  He said,
"It's been too long.  We're going skiing with you guys."

I said, "I know, I'm so excited."

He kept smiling at me and then hugged me again.  "I've been talking to
Nick.  He's cool.  He looks like Orlando Bloom," he said and laughed.  "He
told me about you singing like Tina Turner.  You'll have to do that for
us."

"Forget it."

Kenny said, "Nick said Anthony has it recorded."

"Fuck." I said.

"He told me that you guys told him about when we shaved you."

"You mean when you shaved me."  He laughed.  We walked over to my dad and
Nick.  Anthony joined us and gave us each a beer.  I think we decided that
guy's work was done for a while.  We stood around and they started telling
Jeff-growing-up stories.  Nick enjoys those.

Kenny said, "It is so cool, the three of us being together again.  Is Mark
coming?"

"Yes, and Billy is coming," Anthony said.

"Not with his wife, I hope," Kenny said.

"Yeah, why?" I asked.

"If my wife knew she was coming she would have stayed at home.  How's Bill
doing?"

We talked about Bill for a while.  Well, I didn't.  My dad and Anthony
did."

Then a lot more people started to show up and I started to feel sicker.
Nick kept checking with me.  Each time a couple walked in, Nick looked at
me and I'd just shake my head. Then Mark arrived.  Kenny, Anthony and I
yelled out, "Hey."

Mark had this big smile on his face.  First he hugged my dad and said hello
to his uncle.  Then he shook John's hand and then he hugged Anthony.

My dad said, "Mark this is Nick."

Nick put out his hand, but Mark pulled Nick to him and hugged him and said,
"I've been hearing about you.  It's good to meet you."  He looked at me and
walked past me.  I laughed.  He and Kenny hugged.  Then he turned to me and
said, "Come here, squirt," and hugged me and then kissed me on the cheek.
"Damn, you are in better shape every time I see you.  You look great."

We talked a while longer and then Mark pulled me aside.  We walked off into
the backyard.  He wanted to be caught up on me and Nick, and school and if
anyone had given me shit about being gay.  There it was again, I thought.
He asked in a way that said, `if anyone gives you shit, you let me know."
I think it must be their way of saying I love you and I'm with you.  Woman
say, `tell me where it hurts', and men say, `tell me who you want me to
hurt', and it all means the same thing; I love you.

When I next glance over to see how Nick was doing I noticed that he was
standing with Anthony and Anthony had his arm over Nick's shoulder.  Then I
noticed Bill standing with them (my dad, Kenny, John, Anthony, Nick, and
two other in-law cousins.  My stomach dropped.  Mark noticed me looking and
said, "Oh, there's Billy," and grabbed my arm as we walked back to
everyone.

Mark hugged Bill and said hello.  I waited my turn.  I really felt sick
inside.  I wasn't angry at all; it felt like I was going to cry.  Not
because he and I wouldn't be playing anymore, but because I felt like I had
lost my best friend.  He looked at me and smiled and then hugged me.  We
hugged hard.  He pulled back and then kissed me.  I was really trying not
to look upset.  I guess he was also.

He said, "Damn, squirt you look great.  I've missed you," and then he
pulled me against his chest again and hugged me.

I said, "I missed you, too."

We both stepped back and then Kenny started asking Bill stuff.  And then
Bill said, "So, I hear you guys are all going skiing after Christmas.  Any
chance you have extra room."

Kenny jumped right in and said, "I didn't think your wife would let you go
without her."

Kenny's wife and Bill's wife, Barbara, had a knock down drag out argument
about two years ago.  Neither Kenny nor Bill where there when it happened,
but Anthony and his wife and Margaret and John were there.  When Kenny and
Bill got back from where ever, Barbara told Bill about the argument.
Stupidly, Bill went after Kenny's wife and started yelling at her.
MISTAKE!!!  Kenny, who would have stayed out of it, jumped all over Bill
and then told Barbara off.  Since then Kenny has been distant with Bill and
won't talk to Barbara.  Kenny's wife won't talk to Barbara.  So, there is
no way that Kenny and his wife would want Barbara to come skiing.

"Well, actually, I thought she'd come along," Bill said.

Anthony just looked at Kenny.  Kenny said, "Well, we only have a two
bedroom condo.  We are letting the newlyweds, meaning Nick and I have one
bedroom, my wife and Carol are sharing the other bedroom and Anthony and I
are taking the sofa bed.  So, there's really no extra room."

Bill said, "Sounds like old times, cousins sharing a bed."

Kenny said, "Yeah, I figured the only way I'm going to get laid on this ski
trip is if I bunk with Anthony."  Everyone laughed and looked at Anthony
who still had his arm around Nick's shoulder.

Anthony said, "Actually, I have my bed mate here," he said leaning into
Nick.  He said to Kenny, "That leaves the squirt for you."  Then he looked
at my dad and said, "Sorry Uncle."

The truth is that we had a three bedroom condo, but I knew what was going
on.

My dad said, "Don't mind me."  John and the two other in-law cousins
decided to go inside.  Bill, Anthony, Kenny, my dad and Nick and I
continued talking.  I began to relax.  I noticed Bill looking at and making
conversation with Nick, who oddly seemed pretty relaxed.

Then Paul came out of the house.  I noticed that Anthony again put his arm
around Nick and pulled him close to him and whispered something.  Paul
walked up to the group of us and as is the custom, he greeted my father
first (respect for one's elders).  My father shook his hand and then as
Paul was turning to say hi to Mark, my dad turned Paul by the arm and said,
"Paul, I want you to meet my son's life partner Nick (my dad is getting hip
on the language and I love him for it)."  We were in a wide circle, and my
dad was across from Nick.  Nick was about to take a step toward Paul, I
guess to shake his hand, but I noticed Anthony holding Nick back.  Paul
just looked at Nick and then turned and said hi to Mark.

Mark said hi to Paul but looked a little shocked.  I think we all were.
Then Paul said a couple of things to Bill, his brother, asking him when he
got here and stuff.  Everyone else remained silent.  Then he walked up to
Kenny.  By this time I was pissed.  He didn't even say a word to Nick when
my dad introduced him.  Kenny just looked at Paul with his arms folded.  No
hug, no hi, no nothing; he just nodded his head.  Then he came to Nick and
looked right past him.  Anthony still had his arm around Nick and a beer in
his other hand.  He stared at Paul.  Then Paul looked at me.  I glared at
him.

I looked at my dad who looked frustrated.  He said to Paul, "So where's
your wife?"

Paul said, "I left her inside with Barbara."

Kenny said, "Good place for her.  Maybe you should join her."

We all looked at Kenny.  Bill looked pissed.  Kenny said, "It's a little
chilly out here, is all I meant.  You look sickly," Paul turned and walked
away.

I walked behind Kenny and put my arms around him from behind and stood with
my chest against his back.  I pressed my face against his and whispered in
his ear, "You are so bad, I love you."

He reached around and grabbed me at my waist and pulled me tighter against
him, so that my groin was against his butt.  My instinct was to pull back,
but he held me against him.  He smiled and leaned back and said, "I'm not
scared."  I wasn't sure if he meant that about my crotch pushing into his
butt or about Paul.

Bill said to Kenny, "That was uncalled for."

I felt Kenny physically react and I held him tightly.  This was why I walk
over to Kenny.  I knew something was going to be said.  There was this bad
blood between Kenny and Bill.  Kenny looked at Bill and said, "He's your
brother.  Do you think maybe you should have said something to him about
how rude he was?"

"I'm his brother not his father.  Why do I have to say something to him?"
And he said it with anger in his voice.  My guess is that this was still
left over from the wife fight.

I could feel Kenny getting angry.  Both my arms were over his shoulders. I
dropped both my arms, and put them under his and put my arms around his
waist and pulled him even tighter against me.  I was staring at Bill.  I
said to him, "I'm confused."  Bill looked at me.  "You didn't feel you
should say anything to Paul for being rude, but you felt a need to say
something to Kenny.  You're not Kenny's father either."  Bill looked at me.
"I'm just making an observation; I'm not taking sides, just making an
observation."

My dad said, "Billy, your brother was rude, and if this was my house I
would have asked him to leave."

Bill said, "You're right, Uncle.  He's a jack ass."  Then he turned to Nick
and said, "I'm sorry for that."

Nick said, "No, it's nothing for you to be sorry for.  You're cool, really.
I feel kind of bad for him, actually."

Kenny, Anthony and I moaned at the same time.

"What?" Nick asked.

Bill said to Kenny, "I should have said something to him."

Kenny said, "That's cool, cuz.  Maybe that was the wrong thing for me to
say, but I had to slam him before he went inside."  Bill nodded.

I began to release my grip on Kenny.  As I did, he turned around and kissed
me on the cheek and said, "Nice call."

I whispered, "Nice ass," and laughed.  He laughed, too.

Slowly we all drifted back into the house.  I made my way over toward Nick
who wasn't looking as relaxed as he was before.  He had only seen the
loving fun side of the cousins up until now.  He finally got a glimpse of
the tension that can come along.  I guess where there is intense feelings
they can swing from good to bad and then to good again.

We had a great dinner.  Buffet style, which is really nice because we could
break up into groups and have dinner with the people we wanted to spend
time with.  We had lasagna, (remember we are Italian) and turkey, and
mashed potatoes and sweet potatoes, and stuffing, and green beans and all
the stuff that goes with all that.  Then we had fruit and nuts. And then
pies; pumpkin, minced meat, pecan, and lemon custard.  It took most of the
rest of the day to eat all that and the remainder of the day to clean up
afterwards.

Before Bill left he pulled me aside and said, "I'm really sorry for being
an ass.  I've been feeling very lonely and depressed and you were like my
anti-depressant.  And, I mean that in the best possible way.  There was
always something so healing about spending time with just you.  I really do
miss you and I'm sorry for making such a big deal over the phone.  I really
do miss you."

I told him that I love him and miss him, but that Nick was my number one
concern.  I told him that I hoped that we could all become friends and that
we could all go skiing or camping together some time.  I told him we should
talk more on the phone.  I told him that Nick wants to be friends with him
so that we can all be comfortable.

He thanked me.

Finally, everyone except my mom and dad, and Kenny and his wife left.  My
mother had to fuss over Kenny for a while, and he loved it.  He was sitting
on the sofa beside here.  It is so funny to watch her gush over him and go
on and on about him and watch him just soak it up.  She can tell some funny
stories about him and she did.

Then Anthony told Carol that Paul ignored Nick when my dad introduced them.
Carol turned bright red and said, "He did that in my house."  My mom's face
tensed.  She looked at Nick.

Nick said, "I'm okay, really.  Anthony and Kenny had me covered."

Kenny's wife, Annie, said, "I've never liked him; and his wife is insipid."

Carol was burning mad.  "He's lucky I didn't know this when he was here."
She turned and hit Anthony.  "Why didn't you tell me?  That little shit,
comes into my house and treats a guest in my house like that.  If I would
have know that I would have," and then she said to Anthony, "Wait, where
were you when this happened?"

"Oh god," he said, "Here we go.  It always comes back to me.  I was
standing right there."

"And you didn't do anything?"

"I did something.  We all did something."

"Oh yeah, what did you do?"

I said, "It was fine, really.  We all just ignored him.  When he said hi to
Kenny, Kenny just glared at him.  Anthony did the same thing and so did I.
He must have felt like a real jerk.  Kenny told him to get his ass inside."

My mother said, "I hope he has other plans for Christmas.  If he even
attempts to set foot into my house I'll cut his balls off."  And then she
said to Annie, "You're right, she is insipid.  That's the perfect word for
her.  I can't stand woman like that.  God, she makes me want to kick her in
the ass and say, get a backbone, girl.  Did you hear the way that little
shit talked to her?  If my husband ever talked to me in that tone of voice,
he'd be walking with a limp."

I said, "Go Mom."  Nick was laughing.  My dad just rolled his eyes.
Everyone else was smiling.

Kenny leaned over and gave my mom a big kiss on the cheek and said, "I love
this woman."

Then Annie said to Kenny, "Then you better be listening to her and watch
your tone of voice with me."

Kenny said, "Yes dear."

Then Carol said the same thing to Anthony and he said, "Yes dear."

Then I looked at Nick and said, "Yeah, and you'd better watch your tone
with me."

Nick smiled at me and said, "Yes, dear."

And then everyone laughed and then I got it, and said, "No, wait, you were
supposed to say that to me."

Nick said, "No, I think I like it the way it went."  Needless to say, Kenny
and Anthony had to point and laugh.

Kenny said, "Nick, I like you.  It takes a man to put `the squirt' in his
place.  I could never do it."  More laughing at my expense.


Well, this is long enough; yeah, too long.  And, Nick wants to add
something.  Sorry.


Hi, it's me, Nick.  I won't add much.  Jeff (the squirt) pretty much filled
you in on a lot of what happened.  There are a couple of things I want to
add.  I asked Jeff if I could give my part of the story or my take on what
happened, a title.  He said I could.  I asked because it is his story.  He
did say that I couldn't gush about him, though.

"STUPID STUFF LIKE THAT"

First, I'm learning that when Jeff is stressed I can easily become the
target for his anger.  The odd thing about realizing that is that I've come
to understand him a lot better and when I see it coming I just either step
aside or listen to him and then tell him to knock it off.  I don't get
scared anymore.  What's also interesting is that he knocks it off.  It
shocked me at first.  I really expected that when I'd tell him to stop
taking it out on me he'd get angrier, but he didn't.  He gets quiet and
then he'll talk to me without being angry.

That's not to say that sometimes I don't pull shit and he gets angry at me.
Then if I tell him to knock it off he just says `nice try, asshole'.  But,
like I said before, he never stays angry.  I've also been able to get angry
at him when he pisses me off and that feels good.  When I do get angry at
him he listens to me.  It's weird, because I'm always expecting that he'll
get nuts, but he doesn't.

Another thing I wanted to say is that I am glad he decided on not having
Bill `share our bed' as Jeff calls it.  I really wanted to stay out of the
decision, but I was hoping that it wouldn't happen.  I was sorry that it
caused so much trouble between them, mostly, because it upset Jeff so much.
But, he's over that.

There was something that occurred to me about how Jeff was feeling about
Bill coming to stay with us.  I did talk to Jeff about it.  As a Philosophy
major I had to take Psychology of the Mind classes.  We had to read people
like Freud, Lacan, Foucault and a lot of others.  This is part of what I
think was going on.  This is funny, I get to be the analyzer here.  I think
it was Freud who talked about this.  I want to say it is projection but
actually I think it is more than that or something else.  But, it may be
projection.

Here's what I think was going on.  I think that Jeff, when he was seeing
Bill, was always hoping that Bill would leave Barbara for him.  Knowing
Jeff, that would be hard for him to realize or accept.  He acted like he
was sitting back and accepting things the way they were.  I think he was
really hoping that Bill's love for Jeff would break up Barbara and Bill.
There was a triangle and Jeff wanted to take Bill away from Barbara.  When
Bill wanted to create a new triangle, me and Jeff and Bill, and Jeff and I
were the couple, Jeff felt that Bill was trying to break us up.  I don't
think Bill wanted to break us up. I think Bill loves man sex and saw us as
a easy and fun place to get his nut.

As far as Bill goes now, I'm not worried.  I'm glad they finally were
together again. I think what ever shit there was there for Jeff disappeared
after they met.  Jeff seemed so happy after that was over.

Just between us, hahaha, Bill is hot, but so is Kenny, very HOT.  Not as
hot as Jeff, but very hot.  He's very good looking, he looks like he has a
nice body and from what Jeff says, he's hung.  Well, what he said was that
he's probably like me, so he's hung.  lol

I think Kenny would kill for Jeff, or as he once said during the day, he'd
take a bullet for Jeff.  It was funny when he said it, them being Italian
and all, but when I watched them, I could see that if it came to it, Kenny
would take a bullet for Jeff.

The other thing I wanted to talk about was Thanksgiving.  I can't explain
how wonderful it is to listen to them, the cousins and wives, talk about
the stuff they did.  I can just see Jeff being pissed off all day because
they shaved his pubes and, having met Kenny, I can see Kenny saying `okay
do it to me'.  I can see them all coming up the idea and then standing
around the next morning waiting for him to wake up.  I can see them all
feeling bad about it later on.  I guess because they don't seem to want to
hurt each other but they are very playful with each other.

I'm glad I got to see more of the family.  It's true that they are not all
close.  I felt better seeing that there are cousins that they don't like.
But, the bond between Kenny and Anthony and Jeff and probably Mark is deep.
I think Bill might have been part of that at one time, too.  I know Anthony
loves Jeff and so does Carol, but seeing Kenny with Jeff was really nice.
Kenny looks at Jeff in the most loving way.  It's nothing sexual at all,
it's very masculine and very brotherly.  It's not infatuation, it's like he
treasures and respects and enjoys Jeff.  They are very physical with each
other, but not in a strange way.  They poke at each other a lot.  Jeff puts
his hand on Kenny's shoulder when they are talking.  Kenny touches Jeff's
arm when he's talking to Jeff.  Jeff's mom touches me when she talks to me.
When I was sitting next to Carol when Jeff was singing, she was touching me
while we were laughing, and then when I was crying and she started to cry
she was touching me.  They touch a lot.  I can't explain it other than to
say that it's very natural to them.

The thing with Anthony putting his arm around me.  At first it felt
strange.  Not bad, but no one has ever done that to me.  He did it when he
noticed Bill.  Actually, I was standing near Jeff's dad and Anthony
motioned to me to come near him.  I thought he wanted to talk to me, so I
walked over to him.  Then he put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me
close to him.  I didn't get it at all.  And then I noticed this guy walking
out of the house and I knew immediately it was Bill.  Anthony looked at me
and smiled and nodded.  I guess he picked up on Jeff letting me know that
Bill hadn't arrived.

That's it right there.  There is this thing that they do.  They watch and
take care of each other.  It's powerful.

Bill was cool.  He looked awkward when we shook hands, but he said that he
had heard a lot about me and was really looking forward to meeting me.  The
awkwardness seemed to pass and he was talking to Kenny and Anthony and me
and glancing over at Jeff and Mark.  I did meet his wife later on.  Jeff
and I talked to her.  She didn't like being there.  She seemed very
uncomfortable when we were talking to her.  She left us and went and sat
with another woman.

The second time Anthony put his arm around me was when Paul came out.  I
was going to walk up to Paul and offer him my hand.  Afterward, I keep
wondering what would have happened if I had.  It was very awkward when he
just ignored me.  I looked over at Kenny and the expression on his face was
anger times one hundred.  I don't know how Paul said hi to him.  And then
Anthony just ignored him.  He didn't even bother with Jeff.

I guess Jeff picked up on how angry Kenny was, and that's why he walked
over to Kenny and put his arms around him.  I don't know if it was to stop
anything from happening or if it was hugging him for the glare he gave
Paul.  But, there again is that physical thing that they are so comfortable
with.

What I learned was, as intense as they love and like and protect each other
and me, is as intense their dislike and rejection can be.  Jeff said it's
an Italian thing.

Oh yeah, I told them that I wanted to come to the next wedding and see
Anthony, Kenny and Mark and Jeff do their thing.  I thought they'd laugh
and say, `forget it', they didn't, they said, `sure, maybe it'll be your
and Jeff's wedding.'

It was interesting later on when Carol, Annie and Jeff's mom found out
about that Paul did.  Carol was so upset that I could have been made to
feel bad.  I laughed when she started yelling at Anthony.  In my family
people never get protective like that.  People would never even think about
doing something like that.  My mother would say something like, "oh he
probably was upset about something else, or, he didn't hear you, or
misunderstood.  I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it."

They are all like mother lionesses protecting their cubes.  It felt nice to
be so protected, especially by Anthony in the physical way he did it and by
Kenny who was the first one to stare down Paul.  Then later, the
expressions on Carol's, Annie's and Jeff mom's faces when they heard, that
was nice, too.  I mean it was so instantaneous.  I talked to Jeff about it
later and he said that was what it was like when he grew up.  He always
felt he had people around who were on his side and would kick ass.

Oh yeah, the singing.  It was so bad, it was wonderful.  The thing that
struck me and part of the reason I cried was seeing the confidence he has
with his family.  He knows how bad his singing is.  He knows that he can't
carry a tune, but he got up there and sang anyway.  He's doing Tina Turner,
and he's singing a love song to a guy and he's acting like he can actually
sing, and he's in a towel and a tee shirt.  (He does have great legs and a
wonderful ass) I guess it made sense to me when they told me how he'd sing
songs for them when he was a kid and they would all applaud.  They said
that he'd sing and they'd applaud and then he'd say, `I can do it again,'
and they'd all laugh and say, `no, that's okay'.  And then the wedding
singing.  And his hips.  The way he was shaking his butt doing Tina Turner
was both funny and HOT.

I really do envy him that confidence.  He says that more than the singing
thing, playing baseball helped him.  He told me that both Anthony and Kenny
use to come and watch his games when they could.  He said that he could
always tell when Kenny was there.  He'd hear him cheering for him.  He said
Kenny would never use his name.  He'd yell stuff like, `good eye batter.
Good catch first baseman. Good hit batter'.  Jeff said he'd never look up
into the stands but he'd smile to himself and listen to Kenny cheering.  Of
course, Jeff's dad always went to the games, but Jeff said his dad never
cheered.  I asked Jeff if that bothered him and he said, "NO.  When I was a
kid he'd yell and then one day I told him it embarrassed me.  So, then he'd
just come to the games and watch and then afterward he'd say, good game or
if we lost he'd say, you're batting is saving that team, or they need more
guys like you on that team if they are going to win more games'.  Jeff
said, `my dad would say, "STUPID STUFF LIKE THAT."'

"Stupid stuff like that".  Fuck, is there anything better than `stuff like
that'.  I get so angry at my parents when I think how STUPID STUFF LIKE
THAT can be so easy to say and mean so much.  That's it, that's what made
me cry that Wednesday night before Thanksgiving. Everything that was
happening was stupid stuff like that.  The room was full of stupid stuff
like that.  All this stuff is really just stupid stuff like that, and it
means so much.  Fuck now I'm crying, again.  Fuck I never use to cry, now I
cry over stupid stuff like that.  I would laugh at Jeff when he'd cry in a
movie.  This athletic guy, who could put me face down on the ground in ten
seconds (not one, he's not that good) if he wanted to, sits in a movie and
cries.

Recently, we went to see Brokeback Mountain and I was crying harder than he
was.

I know it's stupid to think that I wish someone loved me enough to shave my
pubes off and loved me even more that when I got upset they'd say they were
sorry and hand me a razor to shave their pubic hairs off.  See there's
another STUPID STUFF LIKE THAT.  Fuck!!!! They could have made that day so
hard on Jeff.  They could have really used all that to humiliate him.  But
they didn't instead they said, okay guys fair is fair.

I'm not allowed to gush.  But, Jeff is like that, too.  He always says
stupid stuff like that.  That song he sang was stupid, but wonderful.  He's
very physical, demonstrative with me.  Stupid stuff like that is us
showering together which when we started doing felt awkward to me but now
if I shower alone I miss him.  I guess me getting him coffee every morning.
We'll be in the shower and he'll say, `shave my balls'.  I always smile and
think, `no one says shave my balls', or `let me shave your balls'.  I don't
think he's every written about it, maybe he has, but every day before I/we
leave the apartment he hugs and kisses me.  Sometimes I am so wrapped up in
the shit of the day I just start to walk out.  If we are leaving together
he just waits inside until I come back.  If I'm leaving without him and I
leave, he calls my cell and says, ASSHOLE, and hangs up.  So, I go back.
It sounds stupid, but it means a lot to me.  He does the same thing when
we/I get home.  I don't think he's mentioned it, but since we came back
from Mykonos we've been hanging around the apartment on weekends in the
nude.  That was his idea.  I mentioned that it was nice being naked on the
beach.  He said that we should hang out naked in our apartment once in a
while.  Now we do.  He says that he loves looking at me.  I don't think I
ever thought I'd be comfortable hanging out naked with someone and I don't
think I ever thought someone would enjoy looking at my naked body, but he
does and it feels nice.  But, I am getting pretty buff.  We've been meeting
at the college gym twice a week and working out with weights, and we run.
I think we've run to China and back.

And he is a control freak.  He's very good at it.  He makes it look like he
isn't.  He's very subtle.  Sometimes I get what I want, but then, in the
most subtle way, he'll smile and let me know that it was his desire for me
to get what I wanted.  I laugh when he does it, but then I think, `fuck, am
I really in control here or the fact that he says I want you to be in
control, make him in control.'  Then I think, `no, I'm in control, I'm on
top, I `be' the man, but if he's saying, okay you can be the man for a
while, then isn't he the man.'  I get crazy and he laughs.  He says, `what
difference does it make if you are in control or if I just want you to
think you are?  Just keep thinking you are, and enjoy it,' and then he
laughs and laughs and laughs.  I do hate him, too.

Anyway, I just wanted to add my opinion.

Nick