Date: Sun, 10 Feb 2008 13:36:02 EST From: ImJeff0882@aol.com Subject: My Roommate Nick, part 24 The following story contains graphic sexual scenes involving adult males. If material of this nature offends you then you should not read this story. Additionally, if you are under 18 years of age in most states you are not allowed to read this story by law. This story is mostly true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent. The author (Jeff Hunter) claims all copyrights to this story and no duplication or publication of this story is allowed, except by the web sites to which it has been posted, without the consent of the author. Positive comments are always welcome and you may e-mail them to ImJeff0882@aol.com My Roommate Nick (Now my life-partner Nick), part 24 OUR TIME WITH MATT Matt was waiting for us. We were very happy to see each other. Nick asked about his mom. She was meeting us for lunch the next day. He asked about his dad. Matt didn't say anything. He just stared at Nick and shook his head. We went and had a late lunch and caught up. Nick asked about Matt's fiancée, Tracy. Matt looked at both us with this serious look. Nick said, "What happened?" Matt shrugged and sighed. "I guess I fucked up." "You guess you fucked up, or you did fuck up," Nick said in a tone that was cold and hard. Nick never talks to me in that way. He gets angry. He yells, he pouts, he gets confrontational, but he is never cold and almost contemptuous. Matt looked away and said, "I fucked up." I asked, "What happened." Matt said, "Let's go." He waved for the waitress. He paid the bill and we left. We got into his car. Nick sat in the front with Matt. I sat in the back. "So," Nick said, "Let's see. You say you fucked up. Let me guess. You were fucking someone else." Matt looked at Nick as he began driving us to his apartment. "Of all the women you ever dated she had to be the best looking, the smartest, the coolest and least rigid and you went and fucked it up. What the fuck is your problem?" I said, "Okay Nick, why don't we let Matt tell us what happened." I reached forward and squeezed Nick's neck. He looked at me. I gave him `the look'. Matt looked at Nick and said, "You know what's so weird. I just realized that you sound just like dad. When I told him that it was over he said some of the same things you're saying and in that same tone." Nick turned bright red and it wasn't embarrassment. I've seen anger fill his body before. If there was one thing that Matt could say that would hit Nick hard it was that he sounded like his father. I thought about what he had said to me about being like my mom and dad. Somehow I knew he might be thinking that he was something like his parents. God knows, he's read enough Freud. (Nick is a philosophy major and was into the philosophy of the psychology of the mind which includes the philosophy of human sexuality.) We were almost to Matt's apartment. We sat silently. When we walked the steps to Matt's apartment I put my hand on Nick's shoulder and shook him. He was still angry. Matt opened three beers. We sat down. He said, "I fucked up. We both agreed our past was our past. She knew that I had fucked around with guys and that was cool. I assured her that it was over." Nick said, "You were fucking with a guy?" Matt nodded. "She found out. She wasn't even pissed, or at least she didn't go off on me. She cried and just said, `you've got shit to work out' and said it was over." Nick growled, "Like I said, `she's the smartest girl you've ever dated'. You do have shit to work out." "Thanks," Matt said. "Matt, you were straight but messing around with a guy in high school. You did the same in college. You were messing with a gay guy when you were fucking that church-going whatever her name was. I've had your ass and so has Jeff. You say you're done with dick and you're engaged," in a tone of voice that I've seldom heard. I said, "Nick, take a breath." He glared at me. "Calm down. We get that you liked her, but you weren't marrying her." He looked away. I said to Matt, "How are you doing with all of this?" He sat back. Tears filled his eyes. He looked at me and said, "Fuck, you know you're the first person to ask me how I'm doing." Nick growled, "You brought this on yourself." I said, "Nick, maybe you should go for a walk." "I'm not going anywhere," he snapped. I growled at Nick, "Obviously, Matt did this to himself, but that doesn't mean he's not fucked up over it." Nick stared at me and then looked at Matt. I said to Matt, "When did this all go down?" He sighed, "Last week." He sighed. "Look, I know that this is all my doing and I know I'm an idiot and I know that at some very obvious level I wanted her to find out, so I don't need to hear it. I know it. I don't understand what the fuck my problem is." "I'll tell you what your problem is," Nick said, "you're gay and refusing to accept it. How many more lives are you going to fuck up so that you can play straight?" "Matt," I barked, "Since Nick isn't going to go for a walk, why don't you leave us for a few minutes." Matt got up and left the apartment. I said to Nick, "What the fuck is your problem?" "Oh, so you think the shit he does is okay?" "No, I don't, but he's obviously hurting. And, to tell you the truth, I like your brother. Yeah, she was nice and I liked her, but he's your fuckin' brother. Cut him some fuckin' slack. He needs someone to talk to and who would be better than you, asshole." "I should cut him some slack. Like you cut Paul some slack," he said snidely. At this point I should have realized that Nick, for some unknown reason, was looking for a fight. If there was something he shouldn't have said, or a comparison he shouldn't have made, at that time, that was it. I stood up. I glared at him. "Fuck you. I did cut Paul some slack. I listen to you and my mother and cut him some slack and he shit on me. And I told you about what happened, only you, and you compare what happened there with what is happening here." He stared at me and shrugged. "Paul insulted you. When he talked to me, he insulted me. You did nothing when he insulted you; surprise. I got in his face when he insulted me." "Surprise!" Nick sneered. I knew I was getting really pissed. "Matt did nothing to me. Matt did nothing to you. He's messed up and is messed up. If I'm not mistaken, that's something I did and something you did, so get off your fuckin high horse." He stared at the wall. "I know your brother has hurt you, but considering all that he's done the past year or two, how he's helped you make contact with you mother." "That's fucked to throw that up. So, now you're guilt tripping me." "Nick, I'm serious," I said and sat down. "Pull it together. Hear him out. Maybe what you have to say has to be said to him and maybe by you, but hear him out and for god sake, take that tone out of your voice. It's fuckin' ugly. You sound so judgmental." "How do you think she felt?" "Fuckin' lousy, would be my guess. But we're not talking to her, she's not your sister and it's done. He's family. That might not mean anything to you, but in my world it means something. "If he told us about this before she found out, then maybe you could get all over his shit to wise him up, but fuck, he knows he fucked up. He doesn't look like he's being cavalier about it. He's hurting and I think he wanted to talk to you or us about it. Fuck, if I were him, I'd tell us to leave and forget talking." He continued to stare at the wall. I stared at him. I knew he wasn't going to say anything. "Do you remember what an asshole he was when he left after that Thanksgiving? Remember how judgmental he was and how hurt you were. Do you remember crying?" He didn't answer me. "I felt so bad for you. It tore me apart. I thought he was such a fuck." Still nothing. He wouldn't even look at me. "Well, I never realized that you two talk to each other like that. You sound just like he did when you were being vulnerable and he pounced. He's being vulnerable and now you're pouncing." Still silence. "I have to tell you that if you ever, if you ever did shit like that to me." He looked at me with tears in his eyes. "Nick, you can't ever do something like that to me. I'm not kidding." "I'd never do that to you." "Why?" He said, "You'd never do that to me. You get angry but you never hurt me and I know you could, but you never do." "So, your brother hurt you like that?" "Often. He and my dad would look for opportunities, vulnerable times to jump and attack." "So, you're getting even by doing to him what your dad does? When he said you sounded like your father were you angry because it wasn't true or because it was true?" "He's gay." "Well, maybe he is. Maybe he isn't. If you were Matt, who would you talk to about this?" No answer. He does this and it drives me nuts. He drops out of the conversation and doesn't respond. "Okay, look, I'm not here to talk to the fuckin wall. If you don't want to answer me, then don't and if you're going to continue with this attitude then I suggest we leave because I'm not sitting here wasting time getting angry about shit that doesn't concern me. If you want to shit on your brother, then go ahead. But, it's going to be a long ride home if when I ask you something you're going to sit and stare at the fuckin window." "What did you ask me?" I took a breath. "Who would you talk to about these feelings if you were Matt?" "A shrink," he said sarcastically. "Okay, I'm going. I'm not going to sit here knowing your brother feels the way he does and watch you attack him and I'm not going to sit here and make believe he's not hurting. What do you think we'll do, watch DVD's. Say hi to your mother for me. Call me and I'll pick you up at the airport." "Wait. Why are you doing this?" he asked. "Were you listening? I'm not repeating myself." "Okay, wait. What's the question?" he asked. I don't know what stopped me from walking out. I really didn't want to but I was on my way. I sat down. I didn't answer him. He looked at me. "Okay, I'd want to talk to us, and I wouldn't want to be attacked. And, I guess if I was him, I'd be out there crying right now. But someone has to say something to him." "Yeah, someone does, but maybe not you or maybe not now and certainly not in that tone of voice." He huffed. "Fuck, I hate you," he said and looked at me. "I'm sorry about what I said about Paul. He's been nothing but a fuck and passive aggressive. Matt can be a fuck, too, but he's been really cool lately." He sighed. "I don't get what his problem is." "Maybe you just had an opportunity to hear what his problem is and maybe you just blew it. I can tell you one thing, if I was Matt, I wouldn't talk to you. I mean, I got angry at Paul and my intent was to tell him to shut the fuck up and go away. Was that your intent with your brother?" Another sigh. "Nick this is called conversing." "No, that was not my intent." "Do you have any idea what's going on with you?" I asked calmly. He shook his head, "I think it is that thing. Pouncing on vulnerability." "Nick you've never, ever done that to me." He looked at me and said, "You never did that to me and never would. He's done it or he's been there when it's been done by my father. So, I just reflexively pounced. Plus, I liked her. I thought it was going to be so cool to have her as part of the family. I just felt pissed at him and I went to that place." We sat quietly for a while. Nick said, "I'm sorry." "Don't apologize to me. I'm okay." He said, "For the pouting thing. I know it drives you nuts," he said and smiled. "I hate it when you make sense." I smiled, "You're a passive aggressive asshole." He smiled and nodded and said, "Yeah, but you've always known that." "Yeah, you're right, no surprises there." I got up and opened the front door. Matt was sitting on the steps with his beer. It was empty. I said to him, "I think you're sane brother is back. I did an exorcism." He stood up and said, "Really, and how did you do that?" "I peed on his head." Matt smiled. "Can I?" Nick said, "If you'll be cool with me, you can." Matt laughed and said, "What's funny is that I have to pee." Matt explained what happened to bring his relationship with Tracy to an end. He said, "Tracy has a bunch of friends. Some of them are gay guys. Ben is this guy about my age. He's cute and has a great body, like yours," he said to Nick. "He also has a boyfriend, Peter, who is an older guy and a real jackass. When the group of us would get together it seemed like Ben and I would sometimes spend time talking. I think Ben punished Peter by ignoring him and hanging out with other people. I guess Peter didn't like me and he told Tracy that he could tell that I didn't like gay people. She told him that I had a gay brother who was in a great relationship and that I had had sex with guys myself and was probably bisexual. Well, it might have been better if she had said that I hated gay people because after that any time Ben spent time talking to me, Peter would fume. "One night at a party, Ben and I stepped out side and went for a walk. I wasn't drinking. I think I had two beers. Ben was wasted. He came on to me. I should have walked away but I didn't. I'm not saying it was his fault at all. I knew it was coming. As a matter of fact, I knew it was going to happen as soon as we left the party and I wanted it to happen. We climbed into the back seat of my car and gave each other head." He sighed. "I'm so fucked up. I don't know what the fuck the deal is, but when a guy is sucking my dick my body is on fire. I feel it all over. I'm not sure it's because guys are better at it. I mean, they are, but it's more than that." He sighed again. He shook his head. "But the real thing is that I got to give him head. Fuck, it just feels so great to have a guy's cock in my hands and then in my mouth." He looked at me and chuckled, "Look who I'm telling this to. You know what I mean." I nodded. "It should have stopped there. Maybe if it had, Tracy and I would still be together. But he and I started calling each other to hook up. All I could think about was being with him. The sex was so hot. We'd meet at a hotel for the afternoon and suck and fuck like we'd never be able to do it again. It got so bad that when I'd have sex with Tracy, I'd be thinking of the sex I was having with Ben. Fuck, I can't believe I'm saying any of this, but his body was great." He looked at Nick, "Not as good as yours or Jeff's, but nice and tight, strong, athletic." Nick said, "I get it; believe me, I know exactly what you mean." Matt sighed. He was sitting across from Nick and looking at Nick, but he would glance at me. Clearly, he was upset, confused and scared. Nick asked in a caring tone, "How long was this going on?" Matt sighed loudly, "Three months. We'd meet at least once a week." He hung his head. "You know how I've said that I love sex with guys but that I don't understand the kissing stuff." Nick said, "You were kissing Ben?" "Yes. He'd be fucking me, or I'd be fucking him and we'd be kissing with this ferocity that seemed to be part of the fucking. I mean, it wasn't just fucking, you know, my dick in some guy's ass and getting off on that. It was like this thing inside my body was also fucking him. That's only happened once before." Nick said, "So, what happened?" "Peter found out. He was checking Ben's cell and somehow put it together. They had a big blow up. I guess it's not the first time Ben has found something on the side." He sighed. "Fuck, I guess it's not my first time either." He chuckled. "Maybe that's why we were attracted to each other." Nick said, "Maybe?" "Anyway, even though Ben begged him not to, Peter called Tracy and told her." Matt sat playing with his fingers. He shook his head. "How stupid could I be, or reckless? I must have wanted it to end with Tracy. I'm cheating with a flirtatious guy with a jealous possessive boyfriend who is the friend of my fiancée. I might as well have told Tracy what I was up to. And the thing is that I knew that when I opened the door of my car for us to get in and have sex that night that this was going to happen." "Well," I said, "Whether you knew the ending or not, it sounds like you're pretty aware of your part in it." He nodded. "Look, Matt, it seems to me that you're looking at this as reckless and stupid. But if, like you say, you knew the ending, then it seems to me that you wanted this to end." Nick looked at me, and for some reason I knew he was going to say something nasty. I jumped in and said, "Something is clearly going on with you and men." Nick looked back at Matt. He sighed. "I know." Nick said, "Correct me if I'm wrong, but when ever you've had a girlfriend, at least the ones that I know of, you've been having sex with guys on the side." Matt looked at him, sighed, thought and said, "Well, no, I mean there was a lot of time when I was with Tracy and I wasn't cheating." "But, there have been times when you've not had a girlfriend when you've been messing with guys." Matt stared at Nick and then nodded. "It just seems to me that when you find a girlfriend and get comfortable you go out and find a guy to have sex with. But when you're having sex with a guy you're not looking for a girl, are you?" I wondered if Matt was going to become defensive. He said, "I don't know. Maybe I am" Nick said, "Just speaking about sex, nothing else, who would you rather have sex with: Ben or Tracy?" Matt sighed again. "Ben and if your next questions is men or women, probably men. But, I want to be married. I want to have kids. I want to be like everyone else. I mean I like women and enjoy being around them. I'd like to have a wife, not a guy, to come home to." I looked at Nick and wondered if he was going to pounce. "Yeah, I get that. I wanted that too. I also wanted to be in love." Matt said, "You found someone. I haven't. Maybe I never will, but I can still have the marriage and the kids. You know, it doesn't have to be about sex. Most of the married guys on know get laid once or twice a week and jerk off the rest of the time. They have their wives, a kid or two, a house, a job and their happy. That's what I'd like." Nick shook his head and rolled his eyes. I knew what was coming. "Okay, if that's true with you, then why didn't you just marry her and not cheat. I meant if sex isn't important." Matt didn't respond. I asked, "What if you did fall in love? What if a guy fell in love with you?" Matt shook his head, "No offense, but odds are that gay relationships don't last." Nick said, "And yours do?" Matt sighed again. "Well, it seems to me you almost got it right with Tracy. She accepted that you were bisexual but she said she wanted you to be monogamous. I think with your next fiancée you need to come to the understanding that you're bisexual and that you are going to be sexually active outside the relationship. Then you can have the marriage, the kids and the sex you enjoy." Matt said, "That would be perfect, but you know that isn't going to happen." Nick rolled his eyes again and said, "Fuck, Matt, I was being facetious. I mean, you can't have it all, but god knows you keep trying." I asked, "Matt, you once told me that you could never fall in love with a guy. Do you really feel like that?" He stared at me. "I mean, think about it. You're always the cheater in your relationships. Maybe that's why you two were so hot in bed with each other. Ben has affairs and you have affairs. Is it like with woman you can be the cheater and you pick men who are also cheaters? I remember when we first met, you told me about a gay guy you were fucking. He was in a relationship, wasn't he?" Nick nodded. "Yeah, what would happen if you just let yourself date a guy the way you dated Tracy. Would you cheat with him with another guy or with a woman?" Matt said, "You guys have had sex with other guys." I said, "Yes, we have, but we've never cheated. A couple of times we've let someone into our bed, but we've putting limits on that. "And recently we've been talking about cutting it out all together," Nick said. "Why's that?" Nick said, "It's never as good as the sex we have when we're alone. Its fun, interesting, novel, but not as good. For some reason, before hand it seems like it will be, but it never is. And I think we both realize it is dangerous to our relationship and neither of us wants to fuck it up and we both worry that it could." I said, "I'm glad we did it because we've come to a place where we both don't want to do it anymore rather than putting this rule down. I know this sounds weird but probably the hottest times we've had with other guys is when we've been with other guys but we've not had sex with them." "How does that work," Matt asked. Nick said, "We shared a room with other gay couples and Jeff and I had sex with each other while they had sex with each other. We're there with them, they're with us, but we didn't have sex with them." I said, "So, we've decided that we might do something like that again, but we're pretty clear that we're not going to share our bodies with anyone else. It's not because we've made this rule, but because it really isn't all that hot and it isn't worth it either." "So, you don't think you'll ever want to have sex with anyone else?" he asked. Nick said, "Maybe I will, maybe Jeff will, but we'll deal with that when it happens. But I've made a promise not to do what you did, cheat and so has Jeff." Matt said, "Yeah, I made that promise, too." The expression on Nick's face changed. He was going to pounce. I jumped in. "It's not fair to judge everyone else by your behavior. And it's also not wise to assume that since you've done it in the past that you'll always do it. I wasn't very different from you before I met Nick. I had a boyfriend on the side and he was married and I was dating girls. Since I've been with Nick I've never cheated and I have no intention of cheating. My relationship with Nick is more important to me than a fuck." Matt nodded. "You two are lucky." We sat for a while. Matt said to me, "So, you thought you were bisexual?" "I don't know what I thought, but what I was, was dishonest. I remember thinking that I was all the things that I hated in other people. I had no integrity. I lied to the people I loved. I mean think about it. I really love someone and I'm out and out lying to them. They have no idea who I am and what I'm about and what I'm doing and I say I love them and believe that they love me. "How is that possible? Under what definition of love does it say liar, secret keeper, withholder of information. If I'm not truthful with another person and they say they love me, how do I accept love and believe it's deserved? Would my girlfriend love me if she knew that the weekend I said I was visiting my parents I was really at a hotel sucking and fucking my boyfriend who is a married man? Probably not. I'm not psychotic, so at some level I know that it's all a lie. I'm a liar, her love for me is based on a lie and my love for her is based on her being fooled. Based on my being able to lie to her and get away with it." Silence I went on, "So, I wanted it to stop. But, like you, I wanted the kids, the marriage, the respectability and the freedom to have sex with men. Which would I give up? There were times when I decided to give up sex with men. I was miserable and I took the first chance I got to be in the arms of a man. When I was in the arms of a man I was happy, I felt real, I felt honest, but I was scared and I wanted the WIFE. It's like sometimes I hear guys say, `fuck some day I'm going to have a Porsche, or a house on the beach, or a boat. Guys say they love their car, they love their boat. I think I wanted a wife like that. And how fucked up is that." Matt looked at me. I thought I was going to cry and I didn't know why. "Think about it. Think about what I was going to do to her and think about what I was going to do to me. A car can't love you back and neither can a wife who you love like a car, a wife that doesn't know you, is like a car." Tears filled my eyes. "Matt, being gay is no fun and it's easy for me. I have a great lover. My family is the best anyone could ask for." Tears rolled down my face. "My parents, my family, my cousins, love me, me, not a person I made up for them to love, but me. Fucking, faggot Jeff. Asshole, homo Jeff, who gets angry and nasty and gets in people's face, and who loves to suck dick and get fucked and stick his dick in a guy's ass. Cocksucker Jeff, that's who they love. I'm an only child, my parents aren't going to have grandchildren. Don't you think I know that's a disappointment for them, but they still love me and accept who I am; fucking-faggot Jeff." I looked at Nick. He was crying. I said, "Why are you crying?" "They adore you and I think they love you even more than you know. Besides, we said we'd adopt. And stop talking about yourself like that. Fuck, if I heard someone talking about you like that I'd fuckin' kick their ass, you asshole." "Shut up," I said and smiled, even though tears were running down my face. "Matt, when Nick and I started messing around I thought I was in love with this married guy. But I wasn't. I loved him. I still love him, but I wasn't in love with him because our relationship was all a lie, a very sick lie. "I'm not comparing it to what's going on with you, but all I know is that when I understood the depth of my feelings for Nick and his feeling for me something changed inside of me. No, that's wrong. Everything changed for me. It was like putting on an emotional pair of glasses. What was all so confusing for me became clear. I felt scared, I don't know that I had ever really felt that scared, but I felt clear. I knew who I was and what I wanted. Before Nick, I was playing at it. That's it exactly. I was playing at having relationships and being in love. It was a part that I had written for myself or someone wrote for me. With Nick, I'm not playing. With woman, as Nick says, my dick worked and worked well, but there was no passion there. None. "And, I don't want to romanticize it. We get on each other's nerves. There are times when I trip over his clothes that I want to hit him. I hate that he uses the bathroom before I do in the morning. I have to deal with his mess every fuckin morning. He's getting a pass right now because he's so busy, but it drives me nuts. But, I get coffee every morning. I get breakfast every morning. I get woken up with gentle touches rather than an alarm clock. Waking up to your brother is wonderful. Dealing with his mess is a pain in the ass. "I've agreed to service him every Sunday during one halftime during the football season. No foreplay. Whatever he wants to get him off, whether I'm in the mood or not, whether I'm in the middle of something or not. Sometimes it's a pain in the ass, figuratively speaking. But, on the other hand, Nick interrupted, "Wait, was that an insult?" "What?" "Figuratively speaking. Why not literally, too." I stared at him and then sighed, shook my head and went on. "But, on the other hand, in all the time we've been together, Nick has never, has never turned me down for sex and never said no to anything I wanted to do. So, he's a pain in the ass, both figuratively and literally," I said, rolling my eyes. "But, I'm not playing a part or scheming, or lying, or cheating. My life is mine and I share it all with Nick." Silence. I really expected some response. I went on. I think I felt like I had to keep talking until someone said something. "When I was with my married boyfriend and dating girls I wasn't scared. I was depressed, very depressed. I was acting. I was lying. And, I never believed that I was loved, because I was in hiding. Fuck, I was in fuckin' hiding. What the fuck is that about. I didn't kill anyone. I didn't rape anyone. Fuck, if people can't deal with me being gay, fuck em. "Since my family has accepted my being gay and has accepted Nick with more than open arms, my life is ordinary. I have to deal with the shit that floats in the air about gay people, this coming year is going to be a bitch with all the republicans bashing gay people to get votes. I have to deal with your brother who at times can be an asshole, but I'm a bigger asshole than he is so he's got the worst end of that bargain. Yes, my life would be different and maybe easier if I was straight rather than gay, but I'm gay. My life is easier since I'm a man rather than a woman and my life is easier since I'm white rather than black or brown. I guess lucky are the men who are white, Christian, straight, tall and have blue eyes. But this is what I think. The most difficult life to live has to be what you are living. The white Christian, straight, tall athletic guy who loves sex with men, because you, like I, know you are that guy that all those Christian white straight guys hated to be around." I was done. I sat back. Matt looked at me and said nothing. He sighed. I thought it must be genetic. No one in my family would let me go on and on like that and not have something to say and here I'm finished and still nothing. Nick finally said, "It was different for me. I knew I was gay in high school. I didn't want to be, but I knew it. When I got to college I met Jeff and had this crush on him. Me having a crush on the best looking straight guy on our floor; what a joke. I can't tell you the number of times I sat on the toilet jerking off thinking about what he looked like in the showers. I remember when I fucked a girl for the first time. Wow, I thought, my dick works. Who would have thought my dick would actually work when I was fucking a girl. You know, I never thought I was straight, but I didn't care. I was fucking a girl and that meant to other people that I was straight and I could go on having my crush on Jeff. I remember when we moved out of the dorms and he moved in with a bunch of jerks rather than me. I was so depressed. I felt sick all summer until I decided that some way I was going to still be friends with him. I've had girlfriends that I fucked and they broke up with me or I broke up with them and I never felt as bad as that summer when he moved in with those guys. "When he moved in with me, I was so fucking happy. I mean, to sleep in the same room, listen to that, I can remember thinking, `oh fuck, I'm going to sleep with him. Fuck, I was like a twelve year old, with a crush. I look back now and laugh about how excited I was. I'd ask a girl out on a date and if she said yes, I wouldn't be that excited. If I tried to fuck her and she said yes, I wouldn't be that excited. But, Jeff says he'll move in with me, and fuck, I was excited." His mood changed. He stared at Matt, "And when I thought we weren't going to be boyfriends, when I was sure he loved this other guy and might even ask me to move out, when, for days, I worried that I might have fucked up the best friendship I had, I was more depressed then than I had ever been. I remember thinking that if he asked me to move out that I was going to have to leave school. I never felt that way about any girl. "Fuck," Nick said, "I don't want to talk about this anymore." We sat quietly looking at Nick. He took a deep breath. "What I'm trying to say is that yes I fucked girls and I shot many loads of cum while doing it and yes I had orgasms and yes it felt great and yes the idea of having a wife and kids and a dog was great, too. At some level I thought that was what life was supposed to be. But my feelings, my emotions, the stuff inside of me, my sense of well being, my inner self, me, myself, I, all that stuff was tied to a man. My place in the world, who I was in the world, my being in the world was tied to a man not a woman. But the world, asked something different of me." I said, "Don't get into philosophy." Nick looked at me. "No, I love what your saying, but you're going to get philosophical. Just talk about you. You're great." I said to Matt, "Your brother thinks he can't talk about himself." Matt said to Nick, "I wish I could do as well as you do." "I felt like I either had to listen to what the world wanted of me. Meaning dad, meaning mom, meaning you, meaning society, or I had to listen to my body, my soul, my feelings, my inner self. Everything about me, inside of me said that I should tell Jeff that I loved him and wanted him and that I was gay; everything. But, everything outside me said don't. Dad would say sex with a guy is sinful, never have sex with a guy. Society would say that sex with a guy is sick and disgusting. You'd say sex is okay, but not the kissing. Have all the sex you want, but don't be gay. All these messages that said, `being gay is wrong'. But inside me something said, `being gay is what you are', therefore, for you it is right. "I had to decide not whether I was gay or not, but who I would listen to. Me or everyone else." Matt asked, "So, what made you decide to listen to yourself." "When I die it is going to be me that dies, not you, not dad, not society. This is my life and not yours, not dad's and not societies. And I had to decide what Jeff had to decide. Did I want to be honest and have integrity and be loved and hated for who I am or for who I make believe I am. And as far as God and sin goes, this is who I am to my core. If God made me, then God made me this way. And if loving Jeff and having sex with Jeff is a sin, well then it is a sin. But it's not as big a sin as being a fuckin' lousy father. And we had a fuckin' lousy father. So, he'd better hope that I'm not going to hell, because if I am, his seat there is going to be closer to the fire than mine. Because my sin is loving someone who loves me. His sin was and is about being cruel, judgmental, critical and unloving toward someone who loved and looked up to him." Matt said to Nick, "You're right about dad, that's for sure, but are you saying that I can only have integrity if I'm gay?" I said to Matt, "I'm not saying that. But, I think that before Nick said facetiously that you should find a woman who loves you, will marry you, have your children and know that you are having sex with men at the same time. If you had a relationship like that you'd have integrity. Think about it." "No woman would put up with that," Matt said. "Well, that might be true," I said. Quiet again. I asked, "So, what is it like for you?" "What do you mean?" Matt said. I said, "Well, I told you what it was like for me and what it is like for me now. I wanted to be with a woman so that I could have what everyone else has, but I wanted to have my private place and time to be with a man. You know, what I find interesting is that both you and I cheated on women but never with another woman. It was always with a man. Nick told you what it was like for him. Nick only cheated on his girlfriends in his head. He gave his dick to a girl but he was emotionally involved with a guy." Matt had to side step the question. He said to Nick, "What's it like for you now, with Jeff, his family and with Dad disowning you?" Nick shrugged. "Mixed, I guess. I love Jeff's family. They are wonderful to me. They're very different from our family. They express their feelings; good and bad. I talk to Jeff's mom as often as he does." I said, "More often and for a longer time." Nick smiled, "Your mother is great." He looked at Matt, "And thank you for helping me get back in touch with Mom." Nick's lips quivered. "I can't tell you how much that means to me." His eyes filled with tears. "It's weird. I'm angry at dad. I'm not even sure I ever liked dad. I don't like him now. But, I guess, I love him. He's my dad. I wish he could be like mom and be open to meeting Jeff." Matt said to me, "My mother really likes you. She said that she's really happy that Nick found you. She said she sees that Nick is happy and hopes that I can find someone like you." I think Nick and I looked surprised. "I think she meant a person, a woman, like you, not that she thought I should find a man like you." Nick and I nodded. Nick said, "I'm sad that dad has disowned me. I wish he could be as accepting, as warm and wonderful as Jeff's dad. As far as being gay. I love being gay. I love that I have a wonderful partner. Everyone in my department at school knows that I'm gay and it's not an issue and if it is for someone, fuck them. Most people in my department feel that I have a certain perspective on living that I, as a gay man, can enlighten them on. They like my passion, my openness and my integrity. So, as far as that goes, it's fine. "The only downside to me being gay is dad. What society says about me being gay, what that halfwit asshole in Washington thinks about me being gay, what Bubba says about it doesn't bother me in the least. I don't like the fact that they have their head up their ass, they don't like that I have Jeff's dick up mine. Oh well. "I think it does bother Jeff. Jeff wants everyone to be like his parents. Jeff wants all gay people to have parents like his. Jeff wants to make the lives of gay people happier, easier and safer." "You don't?" Matt said. "I'd rather go and kick the assholes of the Bubbas in the world." Matt smiled and said, "My brother kicking ass. I like that. Is that why you're going into constitutional law?" "Yes," answered Nick. "Wow, good for you." Nick said to Matt, "You know, dad asked me for the money he spent on my education when he found out I was gay. I guess it was his way of saying that if he knew earlier he would have thrown me onto the streets. I'm almost done with paying off my college loans. Clearly, I'm going to have to take out loans to go to law school. Do you know what Jeff's dad said?" Matt shook his head. "You have to promise me you won't tell mom. I was going to, but I think it would make her feel bad. Promise me." Matt nodded. "He wants to pay our living expenses, food, rent, car, stuff like that, while Jeff goes on with his degree and I go to law school. Think about it. My dad wants his money back and Jeff's dad not only will continuing pay for his living expenses when he goes back to school, but he's going to pay for mine." Nick's voice cracked. He began shaking his head. "I told him that I don't deserve his generosity. He didn't say, `your Jeff's lover' or `you make Jeff happy'. He said, `Nick, you're a good man and you do deserve it'. Mrs. Hunter and I care a great deal about you. We talked about this and this is something we want to do for you. They want to do it for me." More tears. Matt looked at me and said, "I'd like to get to know your parents some time. They sound like good people." I said, "You never answered my question. What's it like for you? How do you think of yourself as bisexual? I mean, I'm not sure I understand what that means to you at all. I think that Nick thinks you're really gay and afraid to admit it. I think that might be true but then I think that maybe you just think you should be able to have it all. And then sometimes I think you've never been in love at all. It's like you're dating a woman and not in love and you're fucking a guy and you're not in love." "I'm not sure I know how to talk about this," Matt said. "I don't think much about it at all, I just do it." Nick said, "This is really the first time I've seen you really upset about a break up, but I've not always been around. Are you usually upset?" "Are you going to hate me?" Matt asked. I said, "Look Matt, Nick went through this, I went through this. I've done shitty things, so has Nick. I'm not going to judge you and neither is Nick." "I'm sorry I got angry at you," Nick said. "That was fucked. Jeff's right. I was fucking a girl and thinking about having sex with Jeff and wanting to get home to him." Matt said, "This is the first time it came out that I was having sex with a guy. I know that's fucked up to say. I know I should be really upset about the break up with Tracy, and I am, but not as much as it coming out that I was having sex with Ben." He stared at his hands. "Fuck, that is so fucked to say. You guys must think I'm such an ass." I said, "I told you that when I realized that I loved Nick and was going to be in a real gay relationship, I was scared. I was happy, but more than that I was scared. I think, if people found out that while I was dating my ex-girlfriend I was having sex with a guy, I would have freaked out." Matt nodded. "I was sad that Tracy was so hurt. She didn't yell and scream, she cried. I felt like shit. I didn't feel like shit that we were breaking up, but I felt like shit that I hurt her. I hated to see her cry and I hated to see her have to deal with another failed relationship. And I did it to her. She did nothing. So, I felt like shit. But, the anxiety I felt seemed to override all those feelings. I felt like everyone was going to know." He sighed. "I thought about calling you and telling you and talking to you, but I knew that Nick would be angry. I wanted to drive to your apartment and crawl into bed with you. Not for sex. I wanted to be with people that knew about me and would still care about me. But, then I thought Nick would be angry. I decided to wait and tell you when you got here and if Nick hated me, you guys could just leave." Nick said, "So, I went and got angry." "Yeah, but you're not now. Are you?" "No." Nick said, "So, obviously Jeff was right. It sounded like you loved Tracy or you wouldn't have been sad about hurting her, but it also sounds like you weren't in love with her if you were okay with the relationship ending." Matt looked at him. "I understand that. I said that I always felt that way, too. The break up itself was sad but I was never sad that it was over." "Yeah, that's it. I hated that it was happening, but not that it happened. I hated hurting her, but was okay with it being over. This is even more fucked to say." I said, "Boy you two are really brothers. Like I've always said to Nick, stop with the self judging. You're saying that if I felt the same thing, I'm a fuck, too. I'm not going to listen to you and think you're fucked up and if I do think that I'll tell you and you can deal with it." Matt nodded and sighed. Nick laughed and said to Nick, "He's an asshole about this shit." Matt smiled. "The other worst part of it was that I felt sad and scared about being alone again. I felt worse about fucking up again, failing again, than I felt about not seeing Tracy anymore." No one spoke. I almost did, but I didn't. Matt did. He said to Nick, "I get that if you cheated and it ended between you and Jeff that you'd be nuts about not being with Jeff, not so much about being alone. You'd miss Jeff, more than you'd be fucked up about being alone." He looked at me. I said, "He wouldn't be missing me and he wouldn't be miserable about being alone, because he'd be in the hospital nursing a broken head." Nick laughed. "I thought you'd say, I'd be dead." I said, "That too." I said to Matt. "You've never been in love? You know, feeling like you really wanted to be with that person, only with that person. That you worry about how they are doing. That you think about how you can make them happier." I took a breath. "This is going to sound so pathetic, but I used to hate waking up in the morning. I think I spend most of my undergrad years hating waking up. I love waking up now." Nick looked at me. I said, "Don't be a smart ass. It's not that you make coffee." He smiled. "Well, that's part of it, but I wake up knowing that Nick is making coffee and someone is going to be nice to me and that my day is going to be okay and that is because I get to deal with your brother. I mean, like I said, sometimes he's the biggest pain in the ass. He pouts, he sulks, he's moody and he's always horny, and he's terrible about cleaning up after himself," Nick interrupted, "Okay, with that. You made your point. I'm a slob." "And, like I said," I said, smiling, "I have to deal with football half the year, but he puts up with me and it feels nice to wake up in the morning. It sounds so stupid to say that that makes such a big difference to me, but it does. I remember when I'd open my eyes in the morning and feel this dread. I'd feel this depression just move over me. Nick says he felt it too." Nick said, "In philosophy it's called despair." I said, "Now, when I wake up, I turn over to see if Nick is there. If he isn't, he's making coffee. I get up, run to the bathroom and pee and jump back in bed. I lay there, stretch, think about the day and wait for my coffee. I like waking up." "The part I like the most," Nick said, "Is going to bed," and smiled. Matt smiled. I said, "That's because I'm good at making love and you're good at making coffee." Matt and I laughed as I pointed to Nick. Nick smiled and said to Matt, "Can you believe he comes up with shit like that so quickly. It's like he plans them and hopes I'll fall into his trap. He does shit like that all the time. I think I've got him and it quickly gets turned around on me." We all laughed. I think we kept breaking the stress with laughter. I said, "Have you ever felt like that?" He and Nick looked at each other. It was as if they both thought of the same thing. Nick said, "Cory." Matt sighed. I looked at Nick. Nick said, "Cory was Matt's best friend in high school. I always thought he was a jerk and he always wanted me out of the way. He'd be mean so that I'd leave them alone." Matt said, "It was a high school crush thing." Nick said, "You had a thing for him and I know he had one for you." Matt nodded. He looked at Nick and made this heart felt confession. "We always kissed when we had sex. I remember spending nights at his house." He looked at me and said, "He had this cool room. It was their garage at one time. It was one of those garages that wasn't attached to the house. They made it into a bedroom for him when his grandmother moved in with them. It was just the two of us out there. We'd lock the door and sleep together naked. We'd make out and suck and fucked all night." I asked, "What happened?" meaning why weren't they still friends or lovers. But he thought I meant something different. He smiled and nodded. "We were friends in middle school and then in high school. I think it was in middle school, eight grade maybe, we jerked off together once or twice. But we never did it again." We nodded at each other. "Then, I guess we were fifteen. It was before we could drive. That summer. We went swimming and we started wrestling. That's something that he and I did a lot. Half the time we'd be grabbing each other by the balls and yanking. This one time I pulled his swimsuit off him and grabbed him and he grabbed me and he got hard. I grabbed his dick and yanked and pulled until he said uncle. I started teasing him that he had a hard on. He looked at me and said something like, yeah, but you had you hand on my hard on. The more I teased him the more he teased me. This went on for days. He'd say stuff like, `hey I'm getting boned, do you want to yank on it for me' and laugh. So, this one afternoon I pulled down my pants, I stood there with my dick hard and said, you put your hand on my dick or we're not friends anymore. He just laughed at me. But then he walked over to me and took hold of my dick and started moving his hand up and down. While he did that he took his out. I took hold of his and did the same. "I kept stopping, but he didn't. I knew he was going to make me cum. I'd start jerking him again. I told him that I was going to cum and he kept jerking me and put his other hand in front of my dick. I came all over his hand. He lifted his hand and stared at my cum. Then I jerked him off. "We never talked about it, but we'd be together someplace and we'd be alone and he'd reach over and push his hand against my crotch. I'd sit there making like I didn't notice. He'd get me hard, take my dick out of my pants and start jerking me off. I'd do the same to him. That went on for almost a year and we never talked about it. We both knew that we were looking for a time and place to do it again, but we never said so. "He got his license first. It was during the summer. We drove to this swimming hole up river. I think we both knew what we were going to do. We were trying to find a place that was away from everyone. We finally found this place that looked private. We undressed. We were both hard. I was so excited but nervous. I don't know why we hadn't sucked each other off before, or why we were going to do it that day. I do remember him asking me if I could suck my own dick, would I. I said yes. He said he would too. He said he had tasted his cum. I told him I had also. It was like foreplay. We sat on these rocks by the river. Cory asked me, `so do you want to do other stuff?' and I said, `sure, I'll do whatever you want to do at least one time'. We finally agreed that it wasn't gay to try stuff once. "He immediately went down on me and sucked my dick. I'd had a blow job from a girl I had been dating, but this was different. I watched him for about a minute and then stopped him. I was going to cum. I had never had a dick in my mouth but once his dick was in my mouth it felt like the most natural thing to do. I sucked him for a while. We were both really turned on. He started sucking me. I was ready to cum almost immediately. I told him but he just kept sucking me. Like I said, I had had blow jobs before but I had never cum in anyone's mouth. He took my load and just swallowed like he had done it a hundred times before. "A while later, I sucked him off. I think we spent most of that day giving each other head. The next day we took off again. We went for a hike and when we thought we were off on our own, out came the dicks and we were blowing each other. That night I convinced my dad to let me stay at Cory's and we spent the night sucking each other." Matt chuckled, "We'd try anything once. Once; I don't think I could count the number of blow jobs we gave each other. One afternoon, while we were 69ing, Cory asked me if I'd also have anal sex. I said that I'd try it. We went through his parent's bathroom and found this pink hand cream. Man did it hurt the first time. I was bigger than him and thicker, so he got the worst of it. I smiled and nodded. Nick sat straight faced. "It was weird. He'd ask me if I could spend Saturday night at his house. I'd tell him that I'd ask my dad. We never talked about having sex. When we had our licenses, we'd say we were going to the mall, or to a movie, or someplace and we'd either go to his bedroom or drive someplace and go at each other. The first time we kissed was when he was fucking me. We were face to face and his face was against mine. He turned his head and we started kissing. I remember it was like Cory came alive. I think at first it felt weird to me, but then I was really into it. He fucked me while we kept kissing and then I fucked him. That's when it all changed. Fucking wasn't so much about my dick and getting off." He sighed and shook his head. "When he fucked me or I fucked him it was like my whole body was into it. Fuck, it was intense with him." He said to Nick, "I remember when Cory and I would take dad's car. We'd be going to park or something but tell him that we were going to the mall and maybe a movie. Dad would say that I should take you, or you'd try to tag along with us and we'd have to make it so you wouldn't want to come with us." I could tell that Nick was getting upset. He had told me how they treated him. He sighed and said, "You know, I think I always knew that Cory was in love with you. I think I knew that you guys were having sex. I'm not sure I knew it like in my head, but looking back I think I knew there was something going on." Matt said, "Cory didn't hate you. Cory thought you were cool, but he didn't want you coming along with us. Neither did I." Nick looked weird. Matt sighed. "I don't think either of us was ready to admit what was going on with us. We joked about being bisexual and being able to fuck anything on two legs. But we never talked about how we felt. "We conveniently went to different colleges and went our own ways. But I had it bad for him and I know he had it bad for me." He shook his head. "I guess in high school you don't talk about being in love with another guy." Matt looked at me. "When we slept together, we'd hold each other. It felt so natural." I said, "So, Cory never said he was gay?" Matt shook his head. "When I left for college and knew I wouldn't see him anymore, I felt like something inside of me was being torn apart. It was fucked up. I was fucked up bad. His chest quivered as he took a deep breath. "I've never felt like that since then." He sighed again and again dismissively said, "But everyone has one of those in high school. Who goes through high school without getting fucked up over someone?" Nick said, "Everyone doesn't get fucked up over a guy though." Matt said, "You know, I really did like Tracy and I really did like being with her and I did like sex with her, too." He didn't sound defensive. "I didn't like Ben as much as I liked Tracy." "Yeah, well, Ben doesn't sound all that likeable," Nick said, sounding annoyed. "Tracy was very likeable. I liked her a lot. But that doesn't make me straight." Matt stared at Nick. "I liked the sex with Ben a lot more than the sex with Tracy, but the sex was good with Tracy. I loved the sex with Cory and I loved being with Cory. But that was high school and all guys have a best guy friend in high school. You know, when you're in high school you have that friend you'd die for or kill for. That's high school." "You loved Cory," I asked. Matt shrugged. "It was high school." He sighed. I said, "Why do you think you don't feel that way about the women you date?" Nick said, "Tracy sure was loveable. She was wonderful, or did I miss something." The annoyance in his voice became more pronounced. "No, she was. I don't know." He sighed again. "Fuck, I don't know. I mean, I did love Tracy. I do love Tracy. I liked sleeping with her. We held each other. But it was just different. Maybe I haven't met the right woman yet." I said, "And the guys you pick are either cheating on someone or are straight, guys who would never be available to you." He sighed again. He said, "In my head, I know that you two love each other, but then I think that guys can't love each other, or that no guy could or would love me." "Cory loved you, and you loved him," Nick said. Each time one of us mentioned Cory, Matt got this far away look on his face. I said, "If Cory walked in the door right now and said he loved you and wanted to be your boyfriend what would you say?" Matt's eyes welled up. "I don't know." I said, "Yes you do. What would you say?" He shook his head. "I'd say that I'd fuck it up and I'd hurt him. That my track record is terrible and that he should move on." I said, "Okay cut the I'm-pathetic bullshit talk. What would you say? Would you tell him you were interested in trying or would you tell him you're not gay?" He didn't answer. Nick said, "You know you would jump at the chance." Matt shook his head, "Not if he was gay. Not if I couldn't ever date a woman." I said, "Fuck, Matt, you're like those guys on the down low. They have their wives and kids and they have a fuck buddy that they have sex with all the time." He shrugged, "Yeah, so, what's wrong with that?" Nick pounced, "You're a fuckin' asshole if you don't see what's wrong with that." They glared at each other. I felt angry at Nick. I sat back and watched the both of them staring at each other. Nick said, "You're not bisexual. Someone who is bisexual can be with either a man or a woman. Can love and have sex with either a man or a woman. Can make a commitment to either a man or a woman. You can't do either. You're not bisexual, you're selfish, and you're commitment phobic. You can't commit to a man or to a woman. The only commitment you've ever made was to being a fuckin' cheater." "Fuck you," Matt said. I said, "Fuck, Nick, give him a break. Where do you get off talking like that?" Nick got up and stormed outside. Matt was pissed. I said, "Look, clearly there's shit between you two." "What the fuck did I ever do to him?" I shook my head. "I think its old shit about Cory. He's told me how alone he felt growing up. He talks about how he's still afraid of that feeling. He felt that your dad really liked you and ignored him. He felt it was because you were straight and athletic, and your dad thought that Nick was too meek." Matt just stared at me. I took a breath. "Nick really wanted you to be his friend and he felt like you sided against him. He was hurt and angry. And then Cory would get between the both of you and make fun of him and call him a fag." "I didn't know that. You know with all the shit going on with me, all I could think about was staying on my dad's good side. I never wanted him to guess what was going on with me and Cory and I wanted him to let me take off with him. I never gave Nick much thought or what he was going through. I was never against him. Fuck if I knew he was gay, I would have told him to get a boyfriend and come with us." "Yeah, well from where he stood, it was you and your dad against him. Think about how he felt then and think about how he must feel now hearing that you two could have at least talked to each other about stuff or at least been friends, or you could have shut Cory up. Maybe, he and Cory could have been friends, too. I think that's why he's pissed. He's usually not like this. It has to be that. While you were talking about Cory, I kept thinking about what he told me about you, Cory and your dad. I think, for him to hear that you and Cory were really into each other and that your dad has disowned Nick and not you, it must of hit him really hard. I think he's a little nuts right now." Matt nodded. I said, "Can I say something?" He nodded. "You're going to have a pretty miserable life if you don't change something. I have no doubt that you can find a woman to marry and cheat on her with a man. To be truthful, I think there is a lot more of that going on than people know. I read where most of the clients that gay escorts have are married men. Someone also told me that there are well known hotels in various large cities where married business men stay when they travel. They are known as places where they can hook up with other married men for the night. So, there has to be a lot of married men out there having sex with men. If that's what you want then go for it. I did it and I know I couldn't live like that, but I don't judge it. I don't think Nick could live like that either." He said, "I don't have a problem with you and Nick and your relationship, but when I try to see myself in that picture, I just can't. I can't wrap my mind around it. It's obviously not the sex. I'll admit that I love having sex with a guy and I'd be fine with it being the same guy all the time. I mean that would be absolutely fine with me. I'm not someone who wants to fuck every guy I see." He stopped and thought about something. "You know that Tracy had a relationship with a woman once?" I nodded. "I used to have this fantasy that we'd be married, have kids and next door would live another couple with kids and that at night she'd come and sleep with Tracy and I'd go and sleep with her husband and life would be wonderful. But the idea of me living with a guy everyday and saying he's my lover, fuck, I can't even imagine it." "Because of what other people would say?" I asked. He thought for a second. "Partly, yeah, but mostly, I can't see myself living with a man. Coming home to a man everyday and having dinner with him and hanging out with him; I don't get it." I said, "You know I read this someplace. It said that some men are homosexual, some men are heterosexual. They left out bisexual because I think they were trying to figure out what that was. Then it said that some men are homo-social and some men are hetero-social. So you can be homosexual but hetero-social. What's weird is that it said most men are homo-social and heterosexual. They would much rather spend most of their time with men and whatever time is left over to have sex with a woman. It said that most heterosexual men don't like socializing with woman. If they're with a woman it is about sex, flirting, leading to sex or having sex, but about sex. If it's not about sex, they'd rather be with men. Except for the living part. Socializing is one thing, sex is another thing, and living with is another thing. I have a cousin, Kenny, who I absolutely love like an older brother. And he loves me like a younger brother. I'd say he's very heterosexual and very homo-social. He loves talking to guys. He and Nick talk four or five times on a weekend about football or baseball games. Nick is watching the same game that Kenny is watching and I hear Nick screaming. I go in the living room, thinking he's talking to me, and he's on the phone with Kenny. And Kenny loves it. "Kenny has gone camping with us a couple of times. He joins us for a few days. We're at this lake and we're naked. Your brother gets a hard on. Kenny laughs. Your brother dares him to do the same. Kenny gets it up. Of course, next thing, we're jerking off. Not each other, but Kenny is fine with it. He says, `shit, this is what guys do, they jerk off'. But Kenny isn't interested in having sex with a guy. If Kenny were to ever cheat it would be with a woman. But he loves being with guys. Isn't that the way it is with most straight guys? But, they don't see themselves living with a guy. "It asked if you'd rather have sex with a man or a woman. You had to mark on a scale from one to a hundred. What they also said was that the social part was clearly differentiated. Men were very decisive about that. They either like socializing with men or with woman. But these same men were all over the scale about there preference for having sex with men or woman. So, most men are clearly either hetero-social or homo-social, but men are spread all over the homo-hetero sexual scale. I mean, sure there was a huge group at the hetero side of the scale, and a smaller group on the homo side of the scale, but there were a lot of guys spread out across the scale, too." "What about woman?" "Ah, yeah, woman, whether they were homosexual or heterosexual, most of them would much rather spend time with woman. Very few women said they much preferred spending time with men. And, women seemed a lot clearer about whom they would rather have sex with, men or women. And what was also interesting is that it said that the women who said they'd rather have sex with women were self defined as lesbians and women who said that they'd rather have sex with a man were straight. But it was the men who were straight who were all over the scale about how much they thought they would rather have sex with men or women. The gay men were clear about who they wanted to have sex with. They all said men. But the straight men were all over the scale." "So, I'd be straight and hetero-social but rather have sex with men." "And would rather live with a woman. That sounds like; it doesn't it. You would define yourself as straight to everyone you know and would rather live with a woman but you'd rather have sex with a man. There was another part of the study and that was about being IN love. What was interesting is that there were straight women who said they prefer sex with men and didn't want to have sex with a woman but who said their deepest IN love relationship was with another woman. Lesbians said the same thing. "Gay men named men as their deepest IN love relationship. Straight men mostly said theirs was with a woman, but a lot of straight men said it was with another man. Even men who said they had no desire to have sex with a man and never had sex with a man, said their deepest IN love relationship had been with a man." "So, what does all that mean?" "It means that our society is all fucked up. That we try to fit things into nice neat categories of gay and straight and bisexual and it really isn't that way. It says that we are forced to suffer because it is hard for us to be what society demands. People are people and they are complex. So, what does bisexual mean? You're IN love relationship was with a man. You obviously love sex with a guy and have sex with woman and you'd rather live with a woman but I bet you'd rather hang out with the guys." He nodded. "Yeah, that sounds like me. What about you?" "I think I'm simple. I like sex with men. My deepest IN love relationship is with your brother, a man. When it comes to socializing, I'm 50/50 if you count my cousins in that, but if it's excluding family. If I walk into a room filled with people I mostly don't know, my guess is that I'm going to be talking to the women. They're typically better read and are more into cultural stuff than most men. As far as living with someone; obviously it's a man." "What do you think Nick is?" "Men across the board. Your brother loves talking to men about sports, about philosophy, about movies, about anything. If you want to watch your brother get instantly bored have him sit with woman and do chit chat. He'll do the chit chat that men do, sports stuff, but he won't do chit chat with women." "Yeah, but he loves talking to your mom." "Yeah, well, you'll have to get to know my mother. My mom doesn't do chit chat, any kind of chit chat. Well, actually she'll talk sports. She loves baseball. She came to almost all my games. My mother is very direct and she loves talking about philosophy but not in philosophical terms. My mother loves to read and she reads about religion, and psychology and novels that deal with struggle and life. She doesn't read romance novels. She engages him on a very intellectual level but not in intellectual terms. She challenges Nick and she finds him very interesting. My mom is earthy and curious and very well read." Nick came back. He said, "I'm hungry. When are we calling it quits?" Matt hardly looked at Nick and said, "Yeah, I'm done." We went and got take-out. We talked about stuff, but nothing important. Matt has a one bedroom apartment. Nick and I slept in the sofa bed. When we were alone and in bed he said to me, "I don't want to be lectured to and I don't want to get into this, but I do want to know if you're pissed at me." He sounded upset. "I'm not going to be able to sleep if you are." "I'm not pissed, but I think we should talk about this on the way home. I've never seen you like that." He sighed. "Say you still love me." I laughed, "Shut up, you fool. Are you stupid?" "Say it or I'm not going to let you go to sleep." I rolled over and kissed him and said, "I love you, even though you were an asshole." "I love you, too. Good night." I woke up the next morning alone in bed. I rolled over. Nick and Matt were sitting at the dinning room table which was part of the living room where I was sleeping. Nick noticed that I was awake and got up and poured a cup of coffee. I stretched in bed. I had a hard on. I had to pee. Of course, my clothes were across the room. Nick put the cup of coffee on the dinning room table and smiled at me and sat down. I flipped him off. I had to pee. I thought about covering myself with the pillow, but then thought, what the fuck, I said, "You guys are waiting for the show." Nick smiled. Matt said, "You're not bashful, are you?" I pulled the sheets off of me and stood up. They both looked at my crotch as I walked to the bathroom. I said, "Show time." Nick said, "He says I'm horny all the time as if that happens in a vacuum. I see that dick and body every morning and have to wait until I get home to get a piece of it." Matt laughed. I flipped them both off and closed the bathroom door and peed. When I returned to the living room, I walked over to my clothing and pulled on my briefs. Matt said to Nick, "Nice fuck-able ass." "Kiss-able," Nick said. They laughed. We had breakfast. We did not talk about anything important. Nick announced that we were leaving after we had lunch with his mother. Matt took the first shower. I asked Nick why we weren't spending the night. He said that he and Matt decided there was enough talk for now. We packed up the car. We met Nick and Matt's mom for lunch. It was great seeing her. She just couldn't stop smiling at Nick. They talked about his plan to go to law school if he could get into the school he wanted. They are schools with very strong constitutional law program. She was excited and proud of him. She and I talked. She was very warm and receptive. I decided that I liked her more than I thought. We said good-bye after lunch. She hugged and kissed Nick and then hugged me and kissed my cheek. I kissed her also. We were going to drive Matt back to his apartment. Nick's mom said, "How about if Nick rides with me to Matt's, Matt can go with Jeff." Nick looked at her confused. I understood. She said, "I'd like to spend some time alone with my son." Matt got in my car. I said, "Are you okay?" He sighed. "I didn't sleep much last night. I know I've got to get real with myself. You're right; I'm going to live a miserable life if I don't. But it seems to me that I'm going to live a miserable life no matter what I do." I didn't know what to say. He said, "Nick is right, too. I'm bouncing all over the place not willing to make a commitment." I said, "Commitments are hard." He glanced at me, "You seem to have it down." "Yeah, well, it's not easy but the alternative seems worse. I feel better being in a relationship and Nick really isn't all that hard to live with. I'm serious when I say that I'm probably harder to live with." "He really loves you. He told me that you're the best thing that has ever happened to him. I asked him if it's always great and he said no. But he said that when it's not great it never feels as bad as when he was without you. He said his great times before you two were together are no where near the great times now and there are a lot more of them. He told me this morning that he understands what I'm going through, although, he doesn't understand why I keep going through it. He also said that he gets being scared about being single. He said that if had to be out there looking he'd be very depressed." I said, "That's how I feel, too." Matt said, "When you got out of bed this morning I got a hard on." I glanced at him. "I'm not saying that to say something sexual to you. I'm saying it because I'm always trying to make out that my attraction to men is a casual thing, but I know it isn't." I didn't say anything. "Do you get that? I'm not coming on to you." I said, "No, I get it completely. I think it's great that you can realize that and say it. I'm fine with it." Silence. "Matt, Nick loves you. Please remember that. And this isn't a pass, okay? I really like you. I didn't at first, but all that you did to get Nick and your mother together again shows me a lot." He nodded. "I get that you're struggling and that you're not just being casual about all of this. And I'm saying this because I like you. You need to get this worked out." He nodded. "But know this, you don't have to straighten out your life to be friends with us. Nick's a little crazy right now, but he loves you. We're friends no matter what you're going through." "Thank you," he said. He looked toward me and asked, "Do you think I'm gay?" "I don't know. Maybe you are. But, I guess it depends on what you mean by gay. I guess there are gay men who could never live with a man. Here's my guess. I think you are a lot more sexually attracted to men than woman." He nodded. "Emotionally, I'm guessing now, and this is based on me spending time with you, I think you could fall in love with a guy. Living with one, I don't know. You know living with a man is different from living with a woman. I think, unfortunate for woman, men become the king of the household in most households. Women make room for men's egos. Nick and I have to be careful not to step on each other's ego. I think woman and men via for power differently. Women know how to handle men. I know most of the conflict between Nick and me is about ego and power. I think we get through it because we talk and sometimes yell about it and then make up." He said, "Again, this is not a pass. Please don't take it as me suggesting anything. Please don't." "Okay." He sighed loudly. "I hope I say this right. The way I sometimes try to figure this out is I ask myself if I met you what would I do. I mean obviously the sexual attraction is there." He sighed. "Please, this isn't a pass. It's just my way of thinking about it. If you take this wrong and Nick hears about this and takes it wrong, he'll never talk to me again." "I get that, really, go ahead." "I wonder if I could see myself living with you. Could I be IN love with you? I try to put the idea of everyone knowing aside and just think how it would be to be with you. I mean you are the sanest gay guy I know." Silence. He glanced at me. "Seems like an important question. Have you come up with an answer?" I asked. He shrugged. "I think I could. It's weird, when I think about it, the only thing that comes to mind is people knowing. But then I start wondering if I'd be out there looking for a woman to date." "Have you ever thought about getting serious with a guy, someone you are attracted to and could live with and seeing what would happen?" "Yeah, I've thought about it, but I haven't met someone like you who seemed sane. But, of course, if a sane gay guy met me would he be interested? Guys like Ben who want to have a good time are interested. I'm good looking, I've got a good enough body, and I'm straight and like to play with guys. That makes me like honey to the flies." I laughed. So did he. I said, "I'm not getting New Age here, but you know you must be putting out the energy that you're looking for an affair. You get yourself a girlfriend and then you draw gay men in, or straight men like yourself who want to fuck around. No gay guy who is ready for a real relationship is going to get involved with you. If you're single and put yourself out there you might draw different flies." We smiled at each other. "Flies that are wanting to make an effort to be in a relationship." "You're talking from experience?" I didn't get what he meant at first. Then it occurred to me that I had been involved with a married man. My stomach turned into a knot as my face reddened. "Exactly! I wasn't ready so I got involved with someone who couldn't give me what I thought I wanted. It's kind of odd that way it happened. If Nick would have approached me, maybe a year earlier, I might have said no. Who knows? But, I guess I was done. I remember being unhappy with the way things were. Very depressed and ready. Somehow, Nick got that message and made himself vulnerable." I dropped Matt off at his apartment. Nick and I started our drive home. I thought I had learned something I had not known before. I was done with Billy before I knew it. I was just afraid of what Matt is now afraid of. I didn't want to be alone. I felt sad and wished I could be a better friend to Matt. It is odd how we can find ourselves in other people if we just take a moment to look. Well, this part is long. I'm going to cut it here. The next part is less serious. I think you'll enjoy it. Shhhh `go giants' lol