Date: Fri, 4 Mar 2005 00:29:01 EST From: ImJeff0882@aol.com Subject: My Roommate Nick, Part 8 The following story contains graphic sexual scenes involving adult males. If material of this nature offends you then you should not read this story. Additionally, if you are under 18 years of age in most states you are not allowed to read this story by law. This story is mostly true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent. The author (Jeff Hunter) claims all copyrights to this story and no duplication or publication of this story is allowed, except by the web sites to which it has been posted, without the consent of the author. Positive comments are always welcome and you may e-mail them to ImJeff0882@aol.com Me venting a bit.. I just had the oddest feeling. When I began writing this series Nick was my roommate and, other than Bill, he was my best friend. Now he is my lover. It's still hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that I knew him for so long and did not know he was gay. It's sad, actually. If one of us were a female one of us could have put it out there, the attraction, but the fact that we were both guys meant that we had to hide our interest. Nick and I talked about the fact that we flirted a bit, but never overtly. I think if it wasn't for Nick, he and I would not have stayed friends. When I moved out of the dorms and into an apartment with friends I think I would have allowed our friendship to end. Nick told me that he decided that he and I would remain friends. He said that was the way he handled his crushes. As you know, I said in part seven that I had some trepidation about writing another part to this story; I believe I actually said I would not add to this series. My concern was that Nick and I might become lazy in our communication with each other. Rather than struggling to express my feelings and verbalizing my experiences I might rely on what has always been easiest for me; putting my thoughts and feelings on paper. He suggested that I report conversations and events and limit the narrative more than I had in the past. I explained to him that I thought that would probably make the story more salacious but less interesting for me to write. I do enjoy writing the sex parts of the story. I always get a hard-on. But, just describing events falls below grading students papers on my list of fun things to do. Therefore, I made a promise to Nick that I would not write about anything that I had not first discussed with him. However, I am still uncomfortable going ahead with this. There is another reason I am hesitant. After the last part to this series, I received many emails (slams) that were more critical than usual. Actually, some were rather harsh. I've tried to reply to every email that I received and tried to be as polite as possible. I've taken writing classes and belonged to writing groups. I am used to constructive criticism and also criticism that seems to serve no purpose other than to attack the writer. The constructive criticism has been very helpful. I know I have a great deal to learn. The "slams" are just rude. The problem with typing and not reading what I am typing as I type is that I have to go back and proof read the copy. Not my favorite thing to do and it takes a great deal of time; something of which I have little (I typed this part about ten days ago and have been letting it sit, waiting for time to proof it). I gave each part of the different series a quick read and then sent them to Nifty. Obviously, there were many typos. I just gave part seven a very quick look and I saw several typos. I used the word LEAD when I meant LED. For some reason, my brain and fingers are not in full communication. That may be true of my heart and mouth, also, but I am trying to do better. Sadly, I've missed far more typos than I'd like to admit. In truth, I'm embarrassed by my sloppiness. However, I am not an idiot. Several people have emailed me saying that I am obviously not an English grad student. "No university would accept into a grad program someone who does not know the difference between `you're and your'." What is odd about that type of criticism is that I used words like feel and fell, you're and your, know and knew, too and to and two, who and how, and there and their, correctly hundreds of times and incorrectly a few times. I cannot type as fast as I think and my fingers take shortcuts. However, I would hope that one would assume that I did know how to use `there and their' correctly and was sloppy when proofing. One person emailed me, in response to my explanation, and said that not taking the time to make sure there were no typos was laziness on my part and a sign of disrespect for my reader. Not all the emails were negative and harsh. As a matter of fact, most of them were generous with compliments. Many people said they found themselves in similar situations. Especially, the situation Nick is in. Many people said they loved the stories and never mentioned the typos. I thank them for not being insulted by my laziness. I have many shortcomings, but being a lazy person is not one of them. I am a very busy person; very busy. Nick is becoming frustrated with the time little free time we have together. An hour proofing these stories becomes an hour away from him. I just went back and added up the pages of the three stories. There are over 450 pages of single spaced dialogue and narrative. That is a rather long novel. LOL. Damn! Not that I think any of this is worthy of being called a novel. So, I am going to try to keep this part of the story shorter. Let me warn you in advance so that you can stop reading this now if my typos bother you. I will try to slow down on the keyboard, but that's no guarantee. I imagine that most of the people who have been offended by my laziness are not going to bother reading this series any longer. I imagine that the only people who are reading it are those of you who are enjoying it despite the errors. Therefore, my self-serving explanations are probably unnecessary. But, the last wave of rants got to me. Perhaps, now, I can set them aside. I want to thank those of you who are reading this and have been generous in your praises and those of you who have taken the time to give constructive criticism. Many of you have helped me improve and helped provide the energy necessary to continue the series. Since the last part of this story, classes started again. I am TAing. I am also taking classes. Nick is working and taking classes. We have been looking at travel books and planning our European vacation. We've decided to start our trek in Greece and end it in London. We want to spend time in Athens and then ferry to Mykonos. We've read that it's the gay mecca of the Aegean and that they have nude beaches. The rest of the trip is slowly taking shape. I'm insisting that we spend a lot of time in Italy. Someone emailed me that we had to spend a week in Rome. When Nick and I talk about doing something like that I get really excited. A week in Rome is what we've decided on. Yesterday, Nick bought a guide book on just the city of Rome. My Roommate Nick, Part 8 : Learning to accept self-imposed limits. Okay, so let's get started with this story. I think it will be different from the past seven parts. Being a boyfriend is different than being a roommate. I feel changed. I wish I could capture in a sentence what that change is, but that too is beyond me. Perhaps, my age limits my insights and my wisdom. Being limited has always been a source of frustration for me. But, unlike practicing the swing of my bat or learning to keep my eye on the ball, wisdom is some ethereal quality that I fear only comes with age. The limited awareness that I now have tells me that, up until recently, I've only been playing at being in a relationship. That scares me. Throughout every relationship I've been involved in, I was also having an affair with Bill. The full weight of an intimate relationship never has been something I allowed myself to experience. There always has been someone to distract me from the difficulties inherent in all relationships. Something else is happening. I feel embarrassed to say that for the first time I feel something deeper for a person than I've ever felt before; concern, comfort, caring, trust, friendship, closeness, a constant hard-on for, but also frustration and anger. Some asked me to list new characters and who they are: JIMMY: He is a friend of a friend of Nick's. He is a junior and Ron's roommate. He is also Steve's brother. When Jimmy and Ron became friends, Jimmy had a boyfriend from another college. They became roommates. Jimmy introduced Ron to his brother, Steve and they started dating. Jimmy is now dating Mark. RON: He is Jimmy's roommate and Steve's boyfriend. STEVE: He is in his second year of law school. He is Jimmy's older brother. He is Ron's boyfriend. He is Mark's best friend. MARK: He and Steve were friends at a nearby college. He was dating girls but starting playing with Steve, but they were never boyfriends. Later, after Jimmy and his boyfriend broke up and Mark and he started hanging out, they started dating. They have been boyfriends for about six months. Jimmy and Ron, Nick's friends from the party, called and asked us to go to dinner and join them to watch a DVD. I was excited about making new friends. Developing a new circle of friends, especially gay friends, is something I hoped we would do. We all met at the fresh Mexican restaurant. We got our food and sat down to eat. I sat and watched a very attractive man, Nick, enjoying himself. He was laughing and joking with Jimmy and Ron. He seemed very happy. He told me earlier that he could not remember being happier. He said, "Being gay isn't all that hard." We both laughed at the absurdity of his statement. We know that being gay is difficult and would be difficult for us. What we were both experiencing was a state of psychosis, or what I believe they call the honeymoon phase; a phase that would probably soon end. I say that without regret. I do much better when my feet are planted firmly on the ground. I tend to be a `control freak', however, Nick is teaching me to be more spontaneous, more unpredictable, and more impractical. Jimmy's brother, Steve, and Ron's boyfriend, Mark, and I talked about running. It seems that it is their passion as well as mine. Steve, who is about 6 foot, 150 pounds, and very handsome, has brown hair and hazel eyes, and a tight smooth body. Mark is a little shorter than Steve and about the same weight. He has light brown hair and brown eyes and is also tight and smooth. We talked about getting together and going for a run. Steve also has routes that he runs. Mark laughed about Steve's and my obsessive need to have everything laid out, measured and timed. As we ate and talked, it occurred to me that I was feeling attracted to every one at the table. When Steve and I talked we looked into each other's eyes. It seemed as if something more was being said than what was being verbalized. Then when I talked to Ron I noticed myself glancing at his lips and teeth. Then I began wondering what he looked like naked. When I glanced at Jimmy and Ron I found myself fantasizing about their naked bodies. I felt anxious. I've felt attracted to men before, but my attractions were always a signal of future possibilities. Flirting was an invitation. More often than not, nothing came of it, but that never seemed to matter. Experiencing these very same feelings felt like a betrayal to Nick and a reminder of an agreed upon monogamy. As I said, limitations have always been a source of frustration. I took a deep breath, looked at Nick and reminded myself of how much he means to me. That led to further anxieties. It occurred to me that no one has meant as much to me as Nick, and no one depended on me more. He is not dependent on me; not at all. But, rather depends on me, as I depend on people who I care about; my family. I think I am beginning to understand the difference. I think depending on someone has to do with honesty, integrity. Being dependent on someone is something very different; I think. Nick and I both tend to be fairly independent people. We do a lot for each other, but it has never turned into a dependence thing. I have become somewhat fascinated with the whole topic of dependence verse depending upon someone. We had a great time that evening. They are all very bright, attractive, funny and very interesting men. The next day, Sunday, Nick watched football, I graded papers. We bet on the games. I don't remember which games they were, but I lost the first bet which means that I had to blow him. He stood and slowly undressed. He smiled at me, his dick was hard. He sat on the sofa. I knelt down in front of him and sucked his dick. No jerking allowed, just sucking to get him off. He loved it. He says that he loves watching me work his dick; and he does watch and he gives me instructions. It's odd, but when we do this type of play, there's always talk such as, `suck that dick, take it all, yeah all of it, down your throat, suck it', etc. When we are in bed, kissing and then sucking or fucking there is no talk other than `you feel so good, I love being inside you,' etc. This time was no different. "Lick my balls," he ordered. Take all of it down your throat," he said, as if it was something I would have trouble doing. All the time he is barking out orders, he is watching every move I make. Truthfully, it's a real turn on for me, too. This time when he was about to cum, he barked, "Don't swallow my cum. I want to see it in your mouth before you swallow it." I could feel his prostate getting larger, he told me to put my finger up his ass, after I licked his asshole for a few minutes. I began grunting as his legs became rigid and began shaking. His cum shot into my mouth; he moaned loudly as I sucked his dick and moved my finger against his prostate. He came a lot. When he was done cumming, I moved off his dick, kneeling in front of him I opened my mouth so he could see his load. He put his finger in my mouth and moved his cum over my tongue, teeth and lips. He then got this idea that I should see his cum in my mouth, so we went into the bathroom and both looked into the mirror. Again, he put his finger in my mouth and moved his cum around on my tongue. Then he ordered, "Swallow it," with a smile. I did. Then he kissed me and said, "When you lose the next bet, I am going to fuck you and cum all over your face." He laughed. We bet on the second game; it was for an `over the back of the sofa' fuck. I won. I'm not sure why this is so much fun for both of us. We suck and fuck, anyway. But, there is something very wicked, kinky, or perverse about wagering for sex. Maybe, it is that there is no foreplay, no kissing, no mutual play; nothing. As the teams left the field Nick began to undress, again. He moved the sofa so he could straddle the back of it. I undressed and then lubed my dick. I handed him the lube and said, "Grease up your hole," smiling. Then, with a lot of pressure and some complaining on his part, I buried my dick in his butt. I fucked him hard, he growled a lot. Did I say he has to keep his feet off the floor? He's there for me to use. He has to just lay there and remain still. As I slapped his ass, yes, I did do that, I said, "Who's your daddy?" We both laughed so hard, he almost fell on the floor. But, I did finish fucking him. When I was ready to cum, I pulled out of him and told him to get on his knees. He knelt in front of me. I jerked myself to orgasm, aiming my dick so that I'd cum all over his face. It was a big load, thick and white. It was all over his cheeks, nose, forehead and lips. He looked up at me and smiled, I smiled back at him. I told him to follow me into the bathroom. We both looked at his cum covered face. Then with my index finger I began moving my cum to his mouth. He stuck out his tongue and ate the cum I wiped on his tongue. That night we made love. He fucked me. I came all over my chest. He licked it up. Nothing much happened until I believe it was Wednesday; Bill called. He knew that Nick would not be at home. Bill said he was going to be staying nearby for a weekend. We have been emailing each other regularly. He told me that he is happy to hear how great things are going with Nick and me. He and Barbara are in counseling. He's not sure it will work, but he's hopeful. He said he loved reading part seven of this story. After a lot of small talk he asked me if I could get away for the weekend. "Do you want to spend the weekend together, you know, like we do?" he asked. The word `do' hit me hard. Yeah, we did, but for some odd reason I was sure it was `did' and not `do'. At least in my mind, it was `did'. I literally felt sick to my stomach; fear. I was coming up against those self-imposed limitations I put on my sex play. Could I hold to what my head and heart said I should do, or would I give in to my dick? It seemed to go downhill from there. When I said no, that I didn't want to meet him, he started to lay on the guilt. He risked Barbara finding out, why wouldn't I risk it with Nick? I went numb. I was in overload. He said that he was horny, that he missed me. Normally, my dick would be getting hard, my heart would be beating as if I had run a mile and I would be figuring out how to make the time. Instead, I was looking for a chair to sit on. I began to feel hot and sweaty. "I don't think so," I said calmly. But he kept pushing. I told him that I didn't want to lie to Nick. I could tell he was becoming frustrated with me, but he never became angry. Instead, I did. He reminded me that not only had I lied to the people I was dating during those four years, but I also lied to Barbara. "You're right," I said. "I was lying to Barbara, too. And that sucks." I was getting very shaky. There was a part of me that wanted to say yes. He was the first person I sucked. He was the first person I fucked, and the first person who fucked me. I have vivid memories of what it felt like to have his mouth around my ten year old penis. Memories of sucking him, fucking him, drinking our cum, and kissing him were flooding my consciousness. I remained numb. Actually, that's not true, it was more like my feelings were like white noise. He said, "So, now you're in my shoes. I suffered the guilt to spend time with you. I'm asking you to be an adult about this; a man." Suddenly, my feelings became clear to me. Or, as is always the case, I knew that I was angry. "Did you call to ask me to spend the weekend with you or to piss me off?" I snapped back. He laughed. "I want to see you this weekend. I'm horny and I miss you." Again, those words would have been music to my ears. I would have had my dick in my hand by now and stroking listening to him telling me what we were going to do. "I won't lie to Nick. If he ever found out he'd be devastated. I just couldn't do that to him." Bill said, "You don't think Barbara would be devastated if she found out about us." I guess I'd had enough. "Okay, stop guilt tripping me. You decided to participate in what we had. You decided to lie to Barbara. You took the chance that she'd be hurt if she found out. That doesn't mean I have to do that with Nick," I shouted. "Okay. Don't get angry. You're always such a hot head. This is a conversation, not a battle. I was hoping that I could see you," he said. "What if I stop by there?" he asked. "You know and meet Nick." "You want to meet Nick?" I asked. "Yeah," he said. "You know we are still cousins." "Yeah, we are still cousins." I settled down, took a deep breath. "I don't want to avoid you." I almost started crying. "But let me talk to Nick about it. He knows what was going on between us and I think it's going to be hard for him, but he wants to meet you and get to know you." "Cool. Did you tell me that he said something about the three of us messing around?" he asked, as if he just asked me if Nick liked chocolate ice cream. "Maybe the three of us can have some fun." "Okay. Sure. And the next time we get together with Barbara the four of us can get together and fuck," I snapped back. "Why are you being so weird?" He asked. "Because it seems too weird to me. I can't imagine what it would be like for me, never mind for Nick, for you and me to be having sex with Nick there. I can't imagine what it would be like for him. He knows that it wasn't just fucking. I think it would be hard for me to watch someone I love making love to someone else." "You've always been a naïve romantic," he said. "I think it would be hot. Besides, we don't have to make love we can just have sex." I was pissed again. I told him that I would talk to Nick about that after he and Barbara did a three-way with the guy she was recently fucking. Silence. "You just want to fight and I'm not going to be sucked into fighting with you. I love you, I want to see you." I growled, "Remember when we'd talk and you'd say that I was more important to you than the sex. Remember that you'd say that if we stop having sex that we'd be best friends, that the sex was secondary?" "Yeah; I remember saying that, and I meant it." "Okay, then let's do that. Let's be best friends and not have sex. You've always been wonderful to me. I love you. I really do love you, Bill. And I miss you, too. I remember what it was like between us. I miss that, too. It's hard for me to say no, but I won't fuck with my relationship with Nick. It's too important to me." "Damn, is the sex that good?" I felt my face burning, again. I felt like if I could reach him I would have hit him, and hit him hard. "Yes, it's the best I've ever had. We make love most of the time, but sometimes we just fuck like animals, he loves being kinky and he never says no to anything. Haven't you been reading the series?" "Yeah, but it doesn't sound all that hot." "How's sex with Barbara?" I asked, with an edge to my voice. "Not hot. Not very often. So, how do you know he'd say no to a three-way?" "If I wanted to have a three-way, I doubt that he would say no. As a matter of fact, he'd probably say yes. But, I think it would be too much for him if you were the third person." "Well, maybe after we all get to be friends and he gets to know me and feels comfortable with me, maybe then he'll be okay with it?" "Maybe he will and maybe I will, but not now. And, I think when we first get together, Barbara should be there. I don't mean for sex, I mean the first time he meets you. That's if you two are still together. I think if she's there it will be easier on all of us." "Not me." I have another bad quality. When someone hits below the belt I wait for my opportunity to strike back. I guess I keep score. Here it was. "Well, suck it in and be an adult; you know, be a man." "You know, you can be a little prick, sometimes." I laughed. "Let's not get into dick size. You'll definitely come up short there." "Ha ha ha ha ha. Well, this didn't turn out like I wanted. But, I still love you." "I love you, too," I said, with an edge. Silence. "You called me a little prick." Silence. "You know I'll get you for that." "Yeah, I thought about that as soon as I said it. But, that remark about me coming up short; doesn't that count?" "No," I said. "Say hi to Nick for me. You should ask him about the three-way, he might surprise you." "I'll do that." "Later, squirt," he said, he laughed and hung up. He knows I don't like to be called squirt. (I sent this conversation, minus most of the narrative, to Bill for him to read. He said it was clear to him that I'm still angry with him, because I made him sound like a dick. I asked him to change what I wrote in anyway he wanted, as long as he kept it close to what was said. The above conversation is what he sent back.) I hung up. I couldn't figure out if I wanted to cry or hit someone. I went to my room; I lay down on the bed, curled up into a ball and cried. I didn't want to hate him, but part of me did. It had been a long time since I had cried like that. I felt a tremendous loss. Was I so upset because I said no to him? Had I not really let go of what we had? Was it something he said? I cried in my pillow, balling my eyes out, as I realized that it had been twelve years, twelve years of longing for, loving, fantasizing about, and waiting for Bill. Finally, I decided that I didn't want to think about it anymore. I got up, dug through my backpack and found my IPOD. I lay there for about an hour listening to music and feeling lost. Nick called; I didn't hear the phone right. He left a message; he would be home for dinner. When he arrived I was preparing dinner and I was in a mood; distant, sullen, testy. Nick noticed and asked me what was wrong. I told him that I was feeling overwhelmed. He told me that after dinner he would clean up the dinner dishes and then give me a back rub. He knows me well. He let me have `my space'. We had dinner. He cleaned up. He convinced me that I needed a back rub. I told him that I wasn't up for sex, but a back rub would be great. That night was one of the few nights that we did not have sex before going to sleep. I guess my mood passed by morning because we were all over each other after my first cup of coffee. I didn't talk to Nick about the phone call. I knew I would, but I wasn't ready. I didn't want him to dislike Bill and right now I dislike him. I knew something was bothering me, something more than just the conversation, but I did not know what it was. I was having one of those `it's at the edge of my brain' feelings. Friday night Jimmy called and said that they were all going out for a late dinner and then going out dancing. They asked if Nick and I wanted to join them. We said, yes. It was Nick's first time in a gay club. When we arrived he looked `whelmed', but before long we all had our shirts off and were on the dance floor pressed against each other. Eventually, Steve, Mark and I were off to the side of the dance floor, drinking beer and watching Nick, Jimmy and Ron dancing with each other. They were having fun. I love watching Nick play. Seeing him happy turns me on; literally. As I watched him, I started getting a hard-on. The day after, Nick and I were talking about our night out when he mentioned that Jimmy and Ron told him that Steve is hung. Nick went on, "Ron said Steve is 8.5 inches. He laughed and said that luckily Steve isn't thick. He said it's hard enough taking all that up his butt and walk afterwards. I told him that you were the same size and that you were not really thick either which was lucky for me. I told him that you were the perfect thickness for my mouth," Nick smiled at me. "It was all pretty funny. Jimmy said that his brother can lick the head of his dick. I told them that you can do that, too." Nick seemed to be enjoying telling me about their conversation. I felt myself feeling weird. Nick said, "Jeff, are you pissed? Damn, we weren't talking about your dick like you think. It was just funny." "No, I know that." "Then what's wrong? Something has been wrong with you for days." I sat down on the sofa. I wanted to go for a run or get to my computer and write in my journal. I looked at him. "I don't know. Maybe we should go for a run." "Only if we talk about this. Did I do something wrong? I feel like you're pissed at me." "I'm not pissed at you; I promise." "Okay, but we promised that we'd talk about stuff. If you don't talk to me about what makes you upset I'm going to be pissed off at you." I looked at him. "Don't give me that angry look. You are always saying I should talk to you about stuff that bothers me rather than letting it build up and come out when we are fifty miles from your parent's house." "Fuck you," I said, not meaning it. "I can't always be the one who is a mess." When I am feeling anxious, as I was, I usually go on the offensive. I couldn't believe how open he left himself. I thought about saying, but you are the one who is always a mess. Or, I could have said, you can't NOT be a mess. Or, how about, your middle name is mess. The fact that none of that is true really didn't matter, but we could have gone from me being anxious about something I didn't have my head wrapped around, to an argument I was sure I could win. I really do my best NOT to go with my anger when I am really anxious, but sometimes it does get the best of me. I used to do this all the time with my dad. I'd get anxious about something I did that was going to get me into trouble, and rather than just suffer the anxiety, as he'd say, I'd go on the offensive. Of course, that meant even more of a punishment. My dad was not one who would take "back talk", neither was my mom. I swallowed hard; I took a deep breath and said, "Let's run. I can think better if I am running. I don't know why it works that way, but it just does." "Will you talk to me while we run, about what's bothering you?" I couldn't help but take a small shot, "If you can keep up," I said, and I meant it. It's not my worst quality, but it is one of which I have some awareness. What's oddest about my having to take a swipe at someone when I am feeling vulnerable is that I do it mostly to men. As we were changing clothes Nick said to me, "This isn't going to work if you have to always be in control and always be the guy who is together." I guess I gave him that look, again. "Jeff, I can't feel good about opening up to you and leaning on you and being a mess if you are always `Johnny together'." I turned and looked at him, "Who the fuck is Johnny together?" I asked, lifting my arms in the air. It's the Italian in me. My father once said to me that if I kept my hands in my pockets when I was upset, he was sure that all I could do was grunt. "I don't know, I just made that up. I'm trying to hold my ground here and I'm a little scared. And, I can keep up with you running, asshole, but if we are going to fight I doubt that I can. You're a lot better at it than I am, and you're a dick for saying that." I was tying my shoes and he was only in his jock strap. "Are you going to run like that, because I'm ready?" He began to pull his tee shirt over his head when I said, "I'll be outside, stretching." I went outside. It was probably good that I had a few minutes alone. I laughed at how I so easily manipulated the situation. I also realized that he was right. He locked the door and walked over to me. "I thought you might have taken off." I looked at him. "Jeff, I don't want to fight with you," his voice cracked. "It's hard to tell you things when you won't open up to me and get angry instead. You just don't know how scared I get when people, you especially, get angry at me. And don't say you are not my parents or I swear I'll get that fuckin' pot and," he hesitated, "I don't remember the rest of that." I felt myself calming down, but then the anxiety returned. "Let's run. I'm not angry at you." We ran for a while and then he said, "Jeff, I want to know what's going on." "What if it's something you don't want to hear? What if it upsets you?" "Are we still going to be boyfriends? Are you thinking about not being my boyfriend anymore?" I looked at him; that look. "No, why do you go there whenever I get angry?" "Look Bucko, you just said it might be something I don't want to hear. That would be it." I stared at him as we ran. "Bucko? Bucko?" I shook my head. "Well, that's not it." "Then whatever it is, I'll deal with it." "I really don't know what it is. I mean I do somewhat, but I don't. It has to do with Bill, but it's more than that." I looked at him. We had not talked much about Bill. "Are you missing him? I mean having sex with him?" "See, now we are going to deal with your stuff," I was right back into being angry. It's amazing how quickly I can do that. "It's a far question." He was right. It was a fair question. I took a deep breath, "Am I missing him sexually? No, I don't think so. I do wonder what it will be like, as I am sure you wonder what it will be like, when I see him. I can't cut him out of my life, he's my cousin and I love him. It's weird I don't think about wanting to have sex with him, but I do miss him. Like at Christmas; I wished he was there. But, then I am glad he wasn't." He said, "I think it will be hard for you, for him and for me, but mostly for you." We ran for a while. "Is that what's bothering you?" "No." We ran further. "I feel like I hate him, but I don't. When we were hooking up, I never cared that there was this thing." "You, Bill and Barbara?" "Yeah. I mean it seem okay." I took a deep breath. "Okay, just listen to me, okay. Don't get weird; don't talk until I am done." "Okay, go ahead." I told him about the call from Bill. He listened, he didn't speak. He seemed okay, but it's hard to read someone when you are both running. When I was done telling him all that I could remember I asked him what he was thinking. He sighed. "I'm glad you said that you didn't want to lie to me. You know we already did a three-way." "When?" "With my brother." "We weren't boyfriends then. Don't you think that makes a difference?" "Yeah. It would be weird to see you with Bill. I mean having sex. It's weird though." He went silent. He looked upset. "What's going on?" "I just thought about you having sex with him and me not being there. That would get me crazy. It's weird if it was a three-way and you two weren't making love, you know if you didn't kiss him, if it was just sex," he hesitated. He seemed to be considering something. "I think it would be hard for me. I mean if I was there it would be better than if I wasn't there, but I'm glad you said no." "So, like if we ran into some hot guy right now and he said, `let's go to my place and fuck', you'd be okay with that." "No. Why would you think that?" "Well, you're saying if you were there it would be okay." "No, I mean if you were going to be with Bill. If you said to me, `I'm going to have sex with Bill. You can be there or we'll do it without you.' Then I'd want to be there. But, if I get to say yes or no to it, then I say no." "I thought you were saying it was okay." "No, I'm not going to tell you that you can't have sex with him. You can't make me responsible for that." I was surprised. Was I making him responsible for my saying no? "So, why do you think you were so angry at Bill?" "I don't know. Can I ask you something, and please don't get upset?" I asked. "Go ahead." "Did you find Jimmy and all those guys attractive?" "Yeah, very. They are hot and they think you are hot." "If they asked us to have sex with them, you know all six of us, what would you say?" I looked at him. "Did this happen?" "Just answer the question." We ran, he was silent. "This feels like a trick question. I don't want to be the reason you're not doing what you want to do." "Nick, just tell me. Okay, here's the scenario. All six of us get a secret vote. If one person votes no, then it doesn't happen and no one knows who the no was. How would you vote?" He laughed. "But, I'm telling you. Okay, I'd vote no. Right now, I'd vote no. I don't want to share you with anyone. What about you? What would you vote?" I said, "The same," and I meant it. "Right now I don't want to share you, either. And they didn't ask. Steve told me that he's been monogamous for the last two years; ever since they started dating. Same with Ron. But he also told me that they've all jerked off together." "I know. Jimmy told me that when they go skiing they share a room; the four of them. They have sex with their boyfriends in the bed next to each other." "Really?" Nick said, "I'd do that. That would be hot, and it would be really kinky, too. You and I having sex in a room with two other couples having sex with each other." "Yeah, that would be hot. If they ask us to go with them, we should go," I said. "I'd love that. I mean the skiing," he said and laughed. "So, why were you angry at Bill?" "I think it was because he assumed it could happen." "Yeah, but it did happen. You've been doing him while you were with other people. Why wouldn't he assume you'd do it again?" "But he didn't assume that, I mean when I was dating. He didn't call and ask me to hook up with him. I remember last year, I called him after I didn't see him at Christmas. I asked him if we were going to get together and ski, alone. He told me that he thought since I was with dating that I might not want to get together." "But you did, so why wouldn't he assume that you would want to get together when you're with me?" "Are you on his side?" "No. But it's kind of interesting." "I think that I was angry that the possibility was put in front of me. I mean I did it for years. The affair." "But it's over with now," he said. "But I think I am scared it could happen, again." He looked at me, "So you think you'd sleep with him." "Not with him; not unless you want to do a three-way." "What do you mean, not with him?" "With you. I think I'm scared that you or I won't be able to resist temptation. That you or I," He interrupted, "Talk for yourself," he sounded annoyed. "Okay. I worry that I won't be able to resist. That my dick will take over like it did with Bill and I won't care. Then I'll be just like Bill, fucking with someone and having someone else I love at home. Or, I'll be Barbara and you'll be Bill having someone on the side. Fuck, she was having an affair, too." "Why is this bothering you now? Do you want to fuck someone?" "No. But, I was feeling attracted to everyone last night." "Everyone?" "I mean Steve, Ron, Mark, Jimmy. That everyone." "Yeah, so. So was I. And Jimmy said that he thought you were so hot. He said that he's seen you before and always thought you were hot. So, I think Steve is hot. They are all hot. I don't get it." "I don't either. I just feel all confused and fucked up." I stopped running and started walking. Nick said, "I don't get this. You have always been so responsible about sex." I looked at him. "Remember when I got drunk and wanted to suck you and you said we should wait until we weren't drinking. Then when we were sucking each other you wouldn't let me cum in your mouth because you were having sex with Bill. You've always put down a `I won't cross this line' line and then you don't. So what's different now?" I said, "I don't know." He said, "I thought Bill would call and ask you to meet him." "You did?" "Yeah. And I never thought you'd lie to me about it. I thought you'd tell me that you were going to meet him someplace." I looked at him. "I wondered if you'd ask me to come with you or if you'd just want to go alone. Then I thought if you didn't ask me that maybe I'd ask if I could come along." "You'd want to?" "It would be better than sitting at home thinking about you being with him. I'd rather be there watching what's happening than being home thinking about it. What I was really afraid of was what would happen if I asked to come along and you said no, and then you took off with him." I looked down at the ground and shook his head. "I wouldn't do that to you." I felt really sad. He looked like he was crying, "I think I'd go nuts. I wish I could say I wouldn't, but I think I would." He wouldn't look at me. "I wouldn't do that to you. If you did that to me I'd be so hurt. I wouldn't hurt you like that." He nodded. "I guess I know that for sure now. It's just hard for me to believe that you'd," he hesitated. "I'd what, take your feelings into consideration. It's not just your feelings, Nick. It's what I want to. It really is. I don't think I knew that until after I hung up. Nick, I won't lie to you, and I won't leave you at home while I go away and fuck someone else." "Besides, we're not using condoms, Jeff. We can't mess around. I would never mess around and not tell you. You'll never be Barbara. I promise you. If I ever decide I want to mess with someone, I promise I will tell you first." His voice sounded weird. I looked at him. Tears rolled down his cheeks. "Are you crying?" "No, it's sweat." I poked him. "I think you are angry with Bill for a lot of stuff. Even the way it ended. He made you end it. He never made a real decision. He never took responsibility. Also, I am a little surprised because it seems like he was doing what you hate." "What?" "Being passive aggressive. You hate that. I think he is jealous, or upset that he didn't decide to leave Barbara for you, so he got you to get angry at him. Also, maybe he thought if you and he met up and I found out that we'd break up and then he'd have you, again. "Let's run," I said. "Am I pissing you off, again?" "No. I think you are right." "Jeff." "I'm okay. He was being passive aggressive. He was being all nice and I was the one getting pissed off. I know I don't have to mess around just because I feel attracted to someone. I mean I've felt attracted to lots of people." "Yeah, like you say. They are just feelings. You don't have to act on your feelings. So, you don't have to act when you feel attracted to someone. You don't act on all your feelings, do you? " "If I did you'd have had a black eye." I started laughing. So did he. "I promise you this, Jeff. If I ever want to mess with someone else I'll tell you. I promise. I won't go off and fuck around behind your back. Okay? Do you believe me?" "Yes, I do. And, I promise the same thing. I can't promise you that some day I won't come to you and say there's someone I want to fuck, but I can promise you that I will tell you first." I felt sad, but also relieved. I guess since we were not using condoms, we had to have this conversation. It's weird, some people talk about prenuptials, we were talking about how we'd handle the possibility of extra-relational sex. "How about this," he said. "You find them, the guys you want to fuck, bring them home and we can both fuck them." "You'd do that?" "I'd rather do that than have you off alone with someone." "Okay, but this is all bullshit, you know. It's not like I pick up guys." "I know. But, if it was just sex and not making love, I'd be okay with it, or I'd try it, anyway." "Okay." "My brother asked me if he could get together with us, again. You know for a three-way. He said that he never got to fuck me and he thinks I should let him." "What did you say?" "I told him I'd talk to you, but that I'd rather not do it now. Now I wanted it to be just us." "That's cool. That's how I feel, too." He said, "If we ever do anything with anyone we have to use condoms and no fluid exchange either, okay?" I nodded. We continued running. "How long are we going to run?" he asked. "We're about half way. Why, you going to wimp out?" "No," he said, "I've got a hard-on and I want to fuck you after I suck you dry." "This conversation turned you on?" "You do," he said. As we ran, I realized I didn't want to go back to the way things were Bill. I think I realized that even if he said he left Barbara and wanted me, I'd say no. I started feeling better about all that happened. I again realized how much Nick means to me. Sometimes it scares me. He said, "I'm glad that we talked about this." I nodded. "I think I heard you saying that you want to be with me; that you don't want to fuck this up." I looked over at him. "That's great." He smiled at me. "It gives me a hard-on." I looked down at his crotch. He smiled. "I really am going to fuck you when we get back." I laughed. "Is this an `over the back of the sofa' kind of fuck or an `I love you' kind of fuck?" I felt my dick beginning to get hard. "An `I love you' kind of fuck. We'll start in the shower with me on my knees, sucking your dick, licking your balls, looking up at you watching you enjoying my mouth." I laughed, "Asshole, now you've got me hard. Let's make this half way," I said, as we started heading back home. After about five minutes, he said, "See, we can talk about stuff. I can listen and I can help you when you need to talk to someone. I'm not a complete emotional jack off." "Yes you are." I laughed; so did he. "You are just too easy." We did not speak until we ran down our street when I said to him, "You aren't an emotional jack off at all. It's just hard for me to talk about stuff. It's easy for me to write about it, my computer never talks back to me. Did I ever tell you that I would talk to Buddy? I would call her onto my bed and tell her stuff. Is that weird?" I asked, looking at him. "What did she do?" "She'd lay there and wag her tail. She'd lick me. Hey, it works like that with you, too." We both laughed and pushed at each other. We went back to the apartment and jumped in the shower. We sucked each other. I told him that it's too hard for me to cum standing up in the shower. He turned off the shower. I stepped out and grabbed a towel and dried off. I threw my towel on the bed, I was still wet. He came into the bedroom. He was still wet. He pushed me down on the bed. I began to laugh. "You are funny when you try to act like a top." "Shut up and cum," he said, in this real butch voice. I laughed. He jumped on top of me and kissed me and then went right for my dick and began sucking. I relaxed, put my hand on his head and enjoyed the feel of his warm mouth. He sucked my dick, licked my balls and then threw my legs up and licked at my ass while I stroked my dick. He moved me, turned me, and sucked me some more. As I got close, he pushed his finger up my ass. I spread my legs, grabbed the sheets, dug my heels into the mattress and started cumming. I felt him swallowing each of my shots of cum. It felt wonderful. I felt his finger pushing against my prostate. It felt wonderful. I felt my orgasm ending, my body relaxing, and that incredible feeling that comes just after you've cum. By now, he knows that one of my favorite things for him to do after I've cum is for him to keep my dick in his mouth. Maybe that's strange, but I hate it when someone sucks my dick and I cum and then they act as if it's all over. After I cum, I love staying in his mouth or in his ass. When he cums I do the same for him. He waited to let my dick slip from his mouth until I pulled him up to me. We kissed. "I know there's a lot of stuff with you and Bill," he said. "Not now," I said. "I want to say this. Two months ago, you were in some kind of relationship with him. Then all of a sudden you two are no longer whatever it was that you were and then you are with me. I think all this shit about being worried about being attracted to those guys is about all that stuff with Bill." "I think so, too." "I thought it was hot that Jimmy and Ron thought you were attractive. You looked so hot dancing without your shirt. I love that people look at you. And I loved looking at all of them. Steve is hot and so are Ron and Jimmy and Mark. I was dancing with a hard-on. Jimmy said he had one, too. So did Ron. We showed each other." "When?" "No, not like taking them out. We made the outline on our jeans. You know so you could see it under the jeans. We talked about how we wanted to get home and fuck you guys. It was funny. I loved that they thought you were hot and that I was going home with you." "Shut up," I said, smiling at him. "You can look and feel attractive, and attracted to them, and come home and fuck me, as long as you are attracted to me, too." "You keep sucking dick like that and I'll always be coming home with you." He rolled on top of me and smiled at me. I spread my legs and lifted them. "Not yet," he said. He reached for the covers and pulled them over us. "I want to just lie on top of you." We lay there for a while. I love having him on top of me, to feel the weight of his body on me. I feel asleep. When I woke up he was sitting beside me, reading. The covers were pulled down just below my crotch. I said, "You're sitting here watching me sleep and looking at my dick." I smiled at him, "You perv." He shrugged and smiled, "No, I was sitting here reading and just glancing over at your dick while you were sleeping. Actually, most of the time you were on your stomach, so I was checking out your ass. But, then you rolled over." He smiled at me, "I touched your dick, too." He reached over and touched my dick. "You're going to get me hard," I said. I stretched. "I've got to pee," I said, getting up out of bed. While I was peeing I decided I was going to fuck him. I smiled as I began stroking my dick, getting myself hard. When I was fully erect, I walked back into the bedroom. His eyes went right to my dick. I grabbed the lube and squirted it on my dick, getting it wet. As I did, I glanced at him and laughed. "Hey Bucko, how do you want it, on your knees, on your back, or on your stomach?" He laughed, "I said I was going to fuck you." I threw him the lube and jumped on the bed. I laughed, standing there swinging my dick. "How do you want it, Bucko?" I asked, again. He laughed. "Forget it. It's my turn." He threw the lube back at me. It fell on the bed. "I'll wrestle you for it, Bucko" I said. I jumped on top of him, wrapped my legs around him and then turned him over. He fought back. Soon we were off the bed and on the floor. My dick was still hard. Finally, I had him pinned, face down on the floor. I was tickling him. He was laughing. I was biting his shoulder and pushing my dick into his butt. Finally, he said, "Okay, okay, you can fuck me. On the bed." "No," I said. "I want you here like this." He laughed. "You are such a dick. It really is my turn, and besides you know you really are a bottom." "Now you are really going to get fucked. Maybe, I'll blow you after I fuck you," I said. He laughed, "Okay, but I want to turn over and look at you while you fuck me." "Let's start like this." I grabbed the lube. Put more on my dick and some on his butt hole. I rubbed my dick against his butt hole. He pushed up as my dick slid in. He grunted. "You okay," I asked. "Great. Do me," he said. I began pushing hard into him. He was moaning. I lifted off him and slid my dick almost all the way out and then pushed it in again. "Oh fuck, Jeff. Fuck me like that." Each time I did it, he moaned. I kept fucking him. I was getting close. I pulled out of him and turned him over. He immediately lifted his legs. I stood up, pulled him up and pushed him down on the bed. He moved, lifted his legs as I moved on top of him. His eyes were wide. "Fuck me," he said, "I love you. You are so fucking hot, it gets me nuts." "Shut up," I said, and kissed him. I pushed down into him and began thrusting hard. We started kissing. "You get me nuts, too," I said. He looked at me. "You are hot. That's what I meant. Really," I said and smiled. "I guess I don't say it very often, but I do love you, too." "I know you do, so shut up and nut so I can get my blow job," he said smiling. I fucked him looking down at him. I watched his dick and balls bouncing as I pushed hard into him. He watched me watching him. "Really, Nick, you are so fucking hot," I said, as I started to cum. It was the second time I came in the last hour and it was very intense. My entire body shook. When my orgasm subsided, I relaxed on top of him. He wrapped his arms and legs around me and held me close. All I could hear was the sound of my heavy breathing. "Don't go to sleep," he said. "I'm getting blue balls." We laughed. I smiled at him, and began licking his neck, his shoulder, his nipples, and down to his navel. His dick pushed against my chin. He was dripping pre-cum. I licked it up. I got comfortable. He got comfortable. I licked his balls, the shaft of his dick and then around his cock head. I took his dick into my mouth and began sucking him. I could hear him moaning. Each time I felt him getting close I slowed. He began to laugh, "Please, I've got to cum." I rolled him over so that he was on top of me. He began thrusting into my mouth. He was watching his dick slide over my lips. I felt myself getting hard. He kept thrusting. I could feel his dick head becoming firm. I ran my fingers over his balls. He moaned and said, "I'm going to cum." He did. He squirted so hard, it shot right down my throat. It surprised me. He shot again. I was able to catch it in my mouth. He shot again, and again and again. It seemed as if he was never going to stop coming. I kept swallowing. When he stopped cumming he relaxed and rolled to his side. I rolled with him, keeping his dick in my mouth. I gentle caressed his dick head with my tongue, milking the last of his orgasm from his dick. He held my head in his hands; he played with my hair. He pulled at my head. I moved up to him and we kissed. "I'm hungry," he said, and smiled at me. "What's for dinner?" Well, I was going to go on about your ski trip with my Uncle Bobby, his partner, Anthony and his wife, but this is getting long. Oh yeah, Nick and I had a big wager on the super bowl. LOL. Yup, I won the bet. He paid up BIG TIME. I'll tell you about that next time. Thank you again for your patience. I'm sorry it is as long as it is. I really did try to keep it short. I can't help it, I am Italian and long winded. I hope this part is less disrespectful than the last.