Date: Tue, 30 Apr 2002 18:06:33 -0700 (PDT)
From: Brandon Kies <brandonkies@yahoo.com>
Subject: No Choice But Love - Chapter 3

Chapter 3

The memories slowly faded, took on less importance, as Aaron's soothing
words and gentle compassion continued. Insistent. Demanding. His words of
comfort and understanding allowed me to turn back, ever so slowly, from
those painful memories and focus once more on my surroundings.

Blinking away the last of my tears, I looked at Aaron. It was my turn to
judge his reaction, to determine if the knowledge of my past was going to
destroy those possibilities I had imagined forming between the two of
us. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but it certainly wasn't what I
found. There was no pity, no disgust. His look was filled with admiration,
compassion, understanding. As I continued to search I recognized, finally,
the bond we were creating. His eyes, those wonderful hazel eyes - eyes that
flashed green and gold - were filled with love.

I knew my eyes returned that look, that they were a blazing beacon of my
own love. We had connected deeply and passionately. We had braved the
uncertainty, the fear of rejection, and been honest about who we were with
those events that had most impacted our lives. Our gamble had paid off.

It hadn't been love at first sight. But somewhere in our conversation, we
had taken that majestic leap of faith. We had learned to trust each other
completely. We had recognized those qualities in the other that we yearned
for. Characteristics that would complete us, fulfill us. As we gazed
longingly, lovingly into each others eyes, we recognized, finally, that we
were not alone.

Perhaps more important, we recognized that we each deserved the others
love. By understanding and identifying the pains the other had experienced,
we were able to make promises to each other - promises of security,
monogamy, and an abiding love. A love that would be strong enough to
weather the storms we unconsciously recognized we would face.

"We must look a right mess," Aaron said, finally breaking the moment. I
glanced around the restaurant hurriedly looking to see how much attention
our discussion had generated. I was surprised to find how empty the place
was. We had become so involved we hadn't noticed the passage of time, or
the place empty as the lunch crowd returned to work.

Smiling at me, he stood up and turned towards Eric's highchair, "Let's take
our son and go make ourselves a bit more presentable."

Our Son! I knew immediately why he said it. I knew it wasn't a slip of the
tongue, but a promise. A proposal. He was verbalizing for his family, the
understanding we had reached with our silent communication. He was staking
his claim on me, on us, on our future, and he was giving notice to his
family that our relationship existed, and it's parameters.

I was elated and overjoyed As I stood to join him, I knew fundamentally
that we were making the right choice. I was touched by the poignant
simplicity of his declaration. He had offered me a place in his life, in
his son's life, in his heart, and he had done it with such nonchalance that
the beauty of the moment, the innocence was probably lost on any but the
two of us.

I was wrong, someone else did recognize his declaration for what it was,
and reacted. "I'll take Eric and get him cleaned up," Anne said her voice
dripping with sarcasm and venom, "after all, he's going to need to get used
to not having you around, while your off playing with your roommate."

Aaron was stunned instantly. Looking at me in pain, he slowly lowered his
hands to his side. The life, love, and happiness that had filled his face
was destroyed. He quickly masked the pain her comments had caused, and the
look of sadness that I had recognized when I first met him returned.

I looked at Marcus and Eliza trying to gauge their reaction. Marcus was a
study in dichotomy, furious yet stoic. He looked at me challengingly,
waiting expectantly for my reaction, communicating silently that this was
mine to deal with, and that my reaction was important. Eliza, in contrast,
was calm and reflective. Like Marcus, she acknowledged my right to respond,
and expressed her faith in me - faith that my reaction would be definite
and justified.

"Anne," I hissed, my anger barely contained. She stopped, and turned
towards me, holding Eric before her as a talisman against my fury. I
watched as she gulped, swiftly masking her fear and allowed her own fury to
blaze forth. Our gazes battled back and forth, the anger palpable. "Aaron
and I will take care of our son!"

"Your son," she sneered. "You've known them for all of four hours and think
you have the right to make demands? I know this may be hard for you to
understand," she continued, "but this is best for Eric, he has to start
getting used to not having his father around. He is going to have real
abandonment issues to deal with in future, and your..."

"Don't you dare use some psycho babble bullshit to try to justify your
comments or actions," I interrupted furiously.

"We all know this isn't about separation anxiety. I've watched your
reactions as Aaron and I spoke. I saw your reaction when you were
introduced to me. Your pissed. Pissed that you've spent months trying to
get Aaron to fall in love with you, and just today find out he's
gay. Pissed that we were able in one afternoon to open up and share our
history. Pissed that someone other than Eric was able to get past those
walls that Aaron has built to protect himself. And because your pissed,
your striking out. And your using Eric to do it because you know exactly
how effective that weapon is."

Eric had picked up on the tension surrounding him by this point and began
to cry. It was the first time I had seen him anything but happy, and it was
painful. "Give Eric to Aaron, Anne," I insisted, the fury in my voice
taking on a deadly quality.

"You've miscalculated, Anne. You heard me tell Aaron about my past, but you
didn't listen. I was finally able to stop the years of abuse I was
subjected too, because of love. I was willing to use blackmail to escape my
life and take my brother with me, because of love. I took on a large
corporation and forced them to admit liability, because of love. There
isn't anything I wouldn't do to protect Aaron and Eric," I said
passionately. "Anything!"

Focusing on Aaron for a moment I said gently, "Aaron, go get Eric." I was
relieved that I was able to mask my anger while addressing him.

Shaking with her anger and impotence, Anne watched silently as Aaron came
to collect our son from her. Once he had him in his arms, Aaron moved
quickly to stand beside me again. Reaching out hesitantly, he clasped my
hand. I understood his need, the intimacy from that gesture helped soothe
his uncertainty. I squeezed his hand reassuringly, before releasing it and
placing my arm around his waist protectively, possessively.

Motioning for our waiter I turned my attention once more to Anne. She had
moved back to her chair and was in the process of sitting when I stopped
her. "What hotel are you staying at, Anne?" I asked. "I'll have the waiter
get you a cab. Decide where you'd like to go and let me know. I'll contact
a travel agent and make arrangements for you. Your services as Eric's nanny
are no longer required."

I admit I was taking a big chance, and I did notice the look of surprise
and shock on Candice's, Marcus', and Eliza's face when I made my
pronouncement, but I ignored them.

"You don't have the authority to fire me, Mr. Michaels," Anne stated
confidently. "Mr. Wilkins pays my salary, he will decide when my services
are no longer required," she finished, looking at Marcus a bit hesitantly.

"Maybe your right," I conceded, "if Marcus wants to keep paying your salary
that's his business. Aaron and I have some decisions to make. Decisions we
will need to make together. But this is a certainty. You won't have any
more involvement with Eric. You won't be allowed in our home. So if Marcus
wishes to keep you employed, he's going to need to find new duties for
you. Your employment as Eric's nanny is over. I don't care who pays your
salary. We will decide what is best for our son."

"You conceited bastard," she spat, "I've been Eric's nanny..."

"Anne," Aaron said, speaking up for the first time, "this has gone on long
enough. Chris and I have a chance. A real chance to create a lasting
relationship. I don't know how or why it happened so quickly, but there it
is. I'm not going to let your petty jealousies or hatred destroy what could
be, before it's even begun. He's said your fired, so that's it. Collect
your bags and wait in the lobby for the waiter to find you a taxi."

"Bu... But... How will you attend university," she demanded.

"What I do with my life has never really been any of your concern. As Chris
said, we have some decisions to make," he said dismissing her. Turning
towards the restroom, he stepped out of my arms, carrying Eric, he beckoned
for me to follow.

"God," he said collapsing against a stall once we had entered the restroom,
"what a bitch!"

"Did you know she was in love with you?" I asked.

Moving to the sink, he sat Eric on the counter and began running
water. Grabbing a hand towel, he quickly and efficiently cleaned the
squirming boy, who not happy about this latest indignity managed to put up
an admirable fight. Finally sighing, he answered, "No. I suppose I should
have, but in my mind she was always the competition. I resented the time
she spent with Eric."

Moving behind him, I placed my arms around his waist and pulled him firmly
against me. He relaxed completely, molding his body to mine, allowing me
this liberty. Bending my head to his neck, I nuzzled him for a moment,
inhaling deeply, cataloging his smell. It was a mixture of scents - soap,
cologne, Eric. Like layers of a cake the smells wafted from him delicately,
each of them tied together by a musk, a scent that was pure Aaron. Salty,
Sweet, Earthy, it was heady and intoxicating.

Flicking my tongue, I allowed myself my first taste. He moaned softly as I
explored his neck. I watched his face in the mirror as I satisfied my
senses, hyperaware of his essence, delighted with his responses. The
longing, desire, and lust that had transformed his features was
empowering. I was exultant. He was reacting to me! He desired me!

Moving carefully to make sure Eric was safely trapped, that he could not
fall, I slowly turned Aaron towards me. I felt his arms encircle me,
enveloping me. They moved haltingly at first as he began exploring, pausing
at times to caress muscle or stroke sinew. I began anticipating his
movements, shivering in delight, amazed at the trail of goose bumps he left
in the wake of exploration. It was my turn to close my eyes, to allow the
desire and longing he was awakening in me to be displayed.

He began teasing me, grazing his lips against mine softly and
withdrawing. Watching in delight as I arched against him desperately,
frantically trying to catch his lips with mine. I began whimpering in
frustration as he continued his furtive seduction. I gasped in pleasure as
I felt his tongue softly stroke my bottom lip. Moaning, I opened my mouth
for him. Inviting him to possess me. Grasping his head I began a mad dance
of confusion, alternating between hunter and hunted, as we began exploring
the sensuous delights our tongues discovered. The stark
contrast. Hard. Wet. Hot. Soft.

There were none of the electrical shocks I had read about. Nothing quite so
tame. The kiss was a raging infernal of expressed emotion. A fire of
burning desire and passion that threatened to overwhelm our senses. It was
hot and all engulfing. A conflagration that seared the soul. A super nova
of epic proportions. Galaxies formed and stars exploded in that kiss. We
had created our own universe, and we reveled as we explored those wonders
in astonishment. It was timeless, ageless. It was my first kiss, and it was
perfect.

We were both gasping for breath as the kiss broke. Holding each other up as
strength slowly replaced the jelly that pervaded our legs. We lost
ourselves in each other. Forgetting where we where. We enjoyed the moment,
imprinting the sights, smells, and feelings of each other deeply on our
psyche. We memorized these new sensations, the touch, the taste, the
smell. We created our own reality, a continuum that defied the physics of
time and space. We were timeless and ageless, everywhere and nowhere. We
were one.

Just a kiss. One simple kiss. And I never wanted it to end.

"Potty Daddy!"

The absurdity of the situation brought us back to ourselves, and our
passion was immediately subsumed by our laughter as we turned to Eric. He
began laughing with delight as Aaron scooped him up and swung him around in
a tight circle.

"I guess the boss here was feeling a bit left out," he said as he headed
towards a stall.

I took the opportunity to wash my face, removing the trail of tears that
remained as silent testament to the conversation Aaron and I had
earlier. When we rejoined Aaron's family, we found they were ready to
leave. Smiling knowingly at us, Eliza suggested we meet back at the
apartment. They had a room booked at one of the better hotels in town, and
had plans to stay the weekend. Candice decided to ride back with us, so the
trip back was uneventful. Aaron and I spent the time trading furtive
glances with each other. I'm sure Candice was aware of what we were doing,
but she did have the grace to not tease us over it. It couldn't have been
easy watching - especially without laughing - but she did an admirable
job. New love is rather sweet, but innocent bystanders occasionally feel
the need for an insulin injection.

We spent the afternoon laughing and chatting. I admit I probably didn't do
a great job holding up my side of the conversation. I was too intent on
watching Aaron, watching his family, and observing the dynamics that
existed between them. They seemed to have an easy familiarity. A real
respect and devotion for each other. But there were signs of strain. Marcus
especially seemed reserved and self-contained. I thought at first that he
was still repressing feelings of uncertainty, ill at ease with Aaron's
sexuality and our new relationship. But as I observed him longer, I
realized he was holding his entire family at a distance, not just Aaron.

Eric was fearless and inquisitive. He spent the afternoon exploring and
playing. Content to entertain himself, he was just as quick to include any
of the adults in his games whenever the opportunity presented itself. He
never displayed any of the shyness some children have around strange
adults. He was as happy laughing, hugging, and kissing me as he was his
family, and I realized that this little charmer was going to have a special
place in my heart.

In fact, as the day wound down, and Aaron gave Eric his bath in preparation
for bed time, I became a bit jealous. It was silly, after all Aaron had
already made it clear that I was going to be a part of their lives, but it
was hard to watch them without remembering Benjy. Aaron must have sensed
the emotional turmoil I was having, and he acted decisively to put an end
to it. Motioning for me to sit on the love seat, he hugged Eric to him and
sat closely to me, maneuvering for a group cuddle. I held Aaron in one arm
and reached forward with the other to hold Eric's hand as he settled down
to sleep.

As I sighed contentedly, Aaron began to sing softly. His voice was soft and
soothing, a wonderful baritone that expressed his emotions, his love
magnificently. I was so entranced with his voice, that it took me a few
seconds to recognize the song he was singing. I hadn't heard the song in
over a year, but I knew it intimately. I had sung it for Benjy almost every
day of his life. I had sung it at his funeral, it had been my goodbye to
him. A confirmation that he had been loved deeply and purely. That his
short life had meaning and importance. I was surprised that hearing Aaron
sing it didn't open a new floodgate of tears, but it didn't. It was
healing, cleansing in a way, and without meaning too, I joined him.

Our voices complimented each other perfectly. My tenor was ethereal and
breathy, and it blended harmoniously with his. It was effortless and
spectacular, and the song took on new meaning as the words and melody swept
us along. And suddenly I knew. I had a flash of mental clarity. An
intuitive leap in logic that allowed me to process the hints and visual
cues I had been receiving throughout the day. This was no coincidence, none
of it had been.

Respectful silence greeted us as we finished. I waited patiently as Aaron
carried Eric into the bedroom and put him down for the night. I noticed the
knowing and satisfied looks Marcus and Eliza exchanged as he left the room,
and my suspicions were confirmed.

"Aaron," I asked as he returned, sat next to me, and slipped an arm around
my waist, "what would you think about not attending university?"

"What do you mean?" he asked, confused by my unexpected question.

"I know what your parents think, I know what your counselor thinks, I want
to know what you think. Do you really want to be here?"

He glanced at his parents and noticed they were as confused by the question
as he was. I could almost see the mental shrug he made before he answered,
"No. Of course I don't."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm going to miss out. Miss out on important milestones in Eric's
life. I don't want my son to resent not being able to spend this time with
me. I want to be an important part of his life, and I don't see how that's
possible being a part time father. I'm afraid he won't understand, he won't
know how much he really means to me. I'm afraid by the time I'm done with
school, we'll never be able to get back or make up the time we've spent
apart."

"Then let's not miss it," I said. "Let's buy a house. A house in the
country, a place with a pool and horses. A home where Eric can grow up
happy and loved."

He looked at me dreamily as he contemplated my proposal, "It would be
lovely, wouldn't it? But we can't. At least not until I graduate and I have
access to my trust fund."

"Aaron," I said, "I don`t think you`ll find money is an issue anymore. I'm
positive your father will be beginning the process to give you control of
your trust fund, but even if I`m wrong," I continued, "I'm rich, remember?
I can pay for everything."

Marcus' reaction wasn't what I'd hoped for. I had expected to surprise him,
instead he seemed pleased. "You've figured it out?" he asked me, glancing
at his wife.

"Yes," I replied simply.

"She said you were dangerous, that you might figure it out. What gave it
away?"

"The song," I answered confidently.

"Chris," Aaron asked confused, "What are you talking about?"

"We've been set up, babe," I answered softly, "Our rooming together, our
meeting, all of it's been orchestrated. From the moment we met, there's
been no choice but love."

"What is he talking about dad?" Aaron asked.

Marcus rubbed his eyes tiredly, "God," he said, "where should I start."

"With Josh, Linda, and Eric, I would think," I said.

"You really have figured it all out, haven't you?" he asked pausing to
gather his thoughts.

"When I walked in on Josh and Aaron that afternoon, I reacted badly. Yes, I
was angry and disappointed. But for the most part I was afraid. I didn't
want Aaron to have to endure a life where violence was a real
possibility. I didn't want him to die. I'm honestly not sure what I would
have done if Josh hadn't accepted the money and left town. Knowing how
Aaron reacted, I like to think I would have eventually resolved my fears
and learned to accept their relationship, but I`m probably just kidding
myself."

"That year as Aaron slipped deeper and deeper into depression was a
nightmare. Eliza and I spent days and weeks watching Aaron closely, afraid
that he would commit suicide. We tried everything we could to help him, but
he ignored us. I think, in his mind, I ceased to exist the night I paid
Josh off. He stopped living. The smiling, loving young man I had known was
destroyed, and it was my fault."

"I realized just how desperate the situation had become the night I forced
him to attend a party. One of his friends called me at my office the next
morning, distraught. He told me he thought Aaron had tried to kill himself
that night. He said Aaron had been almost obsessed about drinking. He was
belligerent in his demands for more alcohol. He wasn't socializing. He
simply sat at the bar and tossed drink after drink back."

"I would have done anything at that point to have Aaron take an interest in
life again. And fate seemed to intervene. I was working on a child support
case, a young woman had trapped a young man into getting her pregnant. They
would use condoms, and after he would fall asleep, she would take the used
condom and inject herself with the semen. That's the day I met Linda. She
came in for some legal advice, her step-father was dealing drugs, and she
was looking for a way out, a way to escape."

"The two events seemed to meld into an idea. And I acted. Aaron had a
battery of tests over the past year as doctors worked to diagnose his
depression. Blood work up, urine analysis, and semen samples. I contacted
his doctor and arranged for Linda to be artificially inseminated. It was
completely illegal and highly unethical, but money can open a lot of
doors. Once we were sure of her pregnancy, she contacted Aaron with the
fake story about their sexual tryst."

"I hoped that having a child would help him to heal. I was certain he would
love the baby, and I felt as he connected with the child he would slowly
begin to live again. I have to admit, a part of me hoped that he would grow
to love Linda too. I thought as the mother of his child, he would feel some
responsibility towards her and would be willing to make the marriage
work. Linda managed to crush that hope. She changed our plan almost as soon
as her pregnancy was confirmed. The extortion was her idea. And when we
discovered, too late, that she was a drug addict, there was nothing anyone
could have done to get Aaron to accept her."

"He wasn't healing, not really. He was an open wound. He was extremely
fragile, and I realized exactly how dependant his emotional health was tied
into those people he allowed himself to love. He went back to counseling,
and his psychiatrist confirmed my suspicions."

"I had an epiphany at that point. I had acted based on my fears of what
Aaron's life would become, but in acting I may have ensured he had a long
life but it certainly wouldn't be a life worth living."

"I had made a real mess of everything, but I was determined to try to fix
my mistakes, and I knew I didn't have much time. I decided I would need
help this time. I confessed everything I had done to Susan, Aaron's
psychiatrist, and Eliza, it wasn't easy, but I convinced them of the
importance, the real need to find Aaron a boyfriend. Susan broke some major
laws helping us, she violated egregiously client-patient confidentiality,
but her information was essential in providing a framework for us to
start. She was able to identify the qualities we were going to need to find
in a person for this to be successful."

"Even with her help, we were running into a real problem. You couldn't
exactly advertise for something like this, and how were we to know someone
was gay, let alone possess the qualities we were looking for. But we had a
stroke of luck. Chris applied for a scholarship, and in his application he
detailed the major event that shaped his life, he wrote the story of
Benjy. Eliza was on the selection committee and read his application and
essay and was certain, absolutely positive that he was our man."

"I was afraid, especially after the Linda debacle that he was just too good
to be true, so I hired a private investigator. It wasn't easy, Chris has
been a private, secretive person for such a long time that it's become
second nature for him. Eventually, the investigator was able to piece
together the salient points of his life, and we discovered that Chris was
indeed a rare individual. Passionate, intelligent, full of idealism."

"We had to find a way for Susan to evaluate him, and Chris' lawsuit gave us
that opportunity. I attended law school with one of his attorneys, and was
able to convince the man that a thorough psychological evaluation would be
indispensable. I suggested he use Susan, she really does have some
impressive credentials, especially as they relate to accident survivors and
family counseling."

"She was exhaustive in her analysis, and we decided you were perfect for
each other. You both had a shared history of pain and heartbreak, something
we were certain would allow you to connect. Chris was unassailable. With
his case settled, he was financially independent.. You both, when you
loved, loved deeply, completely, and unrestrainedly. But most important,
once you loved, you were almost fanatically protective of the person you
loved. He couldn`t be chased off, scared off, or bought off if he gave his
heart."

"Now all we had to do was devise a way to get you together, get you to
share your histories, and create a situation where you would need to
protect each other. Susan spent weeks going over your psychological
profiles, trying to determine the most effective plan."

"Getting you together was easy. We purchased and donated this apartment
complex to the university with the stipulation that you both be assigned
housing here, together. We introduced elements from Chris's life into our
every day routine so that you would have some commonalities. The song for
example. And we began to stress to Aaron the importance his honesty with
Chris would be. This was one of the biggest obstacles. Susan worked with
him for months on this issue alone. We knew he was going to have to relate
the events of his life, and he would have to do so first or Chris would
never break out of his shell."

"Susan determined that our best hope for success required a public
setting. In her evaluation of Chris, she discovered he was suppressing
feelings of guilt. He blamed himself for Benjy's death, he was convinced if
he hadn't been secretive, hidden his parents abusive behavior, then Benjy
might have been placed with adoptive parents. He felt that it was his
selfishness, his need to have Benjy with him that had allowed his brother
to be in the car in the first place. He still had issues with intimacy and
inter personal relationships, but he seemed to almost brag about his past -
especially Benjy - if he had an audience. It was cathartic for him, a way
to battle the stigma his secrecy had created."

"Which brings us to today. Your physical attraction to each other was
obvious almost from the start. Your mother and I had a great laugh at how
fast you ran into the bedroom before lunch when we told you Chris was
getting changed to meet us. We still thought we would have to direct the
flow of conversation to get you to open up, but when we saw you enter the
restaurant, your appearance suggested you had already gotten started. Aaron
was visibly upset, and Chris was thoughtful, almost introspective. So we
quickly decided to let you boys continue whatever discussion you had
started. Hopefully our interference wouldn't be necessary. Susan had
suggested that we be as circumspect as possible. She warned us of Chris`
intellect and almost uncanny intuitive abilities. If he discovered too
early that you were being manipulated, all of our work would be in vain."

"It worked brilliantly. Your discussion was intensely personal, wonderfully
intimate, and the connection you were forming was almost visible. There was
only one requirement left to fulfill, and Aaron gave us the perfect
opportunity. We had to get the protective aspect of your personalities
engaged. When he offered you a place in Eric's life, in his life, we
acted."

"Anne isn't the vicious bitch you think she is. I would never hire a person
to care for my grandson that would behave that way. She started working for
us not long after the death of her brother. Her gay brother. A brother that
had committed suicide because he wasn't able to deal with his father's
rejection. He was you, Aaron. Who you could have been. She loves you. How
could she not? She sees him in you. She's watched you give selflessly to
Eric, she's seen your pain. You've become her brother, and she would do
anything to help you survive."

"And we used her. We knew what we needed her to do would destroy any
friendship you might have had. But she was willing to sacrifice your
friendship, her real love for you and Eric to make sure you had this
chance. Your mother or I couldn't do it, after the incident with Josh it
was just too risky. But you've always resented Anne, felt that she was
trying to keep Eric from you. Susan explained to her exactly what she had
to do. She had to be hostile and confrontational, and when a situation
presented itself she would need to attack Aaron. And keep attacking him
until Chris defended him. Once Chris was engaged, she would need to then
attack Chris, until Aaron responded. She was going to need to be vile and
ugly, and say and do things that would completely invalidate her feelings
and violate you in a manner consistent with the words and feelings that
forced her brother to suicide."

"Your trip to the restroom was fortuitous, she was devastated at your
reaction. Devastated that she had violated your trust. She wept pitifully
and heartbreakingly while you were gone, and it was only with a supreme
effort of will that she managed to compose herself and leave before you
returned."

Looking at Aaron, pleading for understanding Marcus finished, "We did it
for you Aaron, hate me if you must, but I had to give you this chance at
life, at love."

"But why dad? Why now, why here. My God, the shear scoop and cost of this,
the illegalities, the moral issues. What possessed you to do something like
this? And how did you convince Susan, Anne, and mom to participate?"

"It had to be now," Marcus said sadly, "I told you time is running out. I
had to make sure you were really healing, really able to survive before it
was too late."

"I'm dying Aaron..."

"I have AIDS."