Date: Thu, 7 Jan 2010 12:11:50 -0500
From: mbb2e@virginia.edu
Subject: Nothing Less chapter 2

Ok I would really rather not have to do all the disclaimer crap so let's
make this quick... this story involves homosexual material eventually
including acts of a sexual nature so if this offends you or it is illegal
for you to view such material then please promptly leave, although why you
would be reading this I have no idea.

This is my first story and I don't expect it to be perfect because of
that. Given that, constructive criticism would be nice; but if all you have
to say is entirely negative with no real helpful purpose, then please do
not bother, because I will not bother to care.

Again I would like to point out that everything leading up to the spring
semester of my second year in this story is completely true, exact
conversations may not be 100% true but are as accurate as memory allows,
from spring semester of my second year on is where I will be entering into
fiction and hopefully things will get interesting, but I would like to
point out that I intend for this story to be more than just possible "alone
time" material, there will be sex but not for some time probably. I simply
am a romantic and I love to write. Before I begin, however, I would like to
remind you that this chapter is another background chapter of my first year
of college and the first half of second year. I'll go into detail where
necessary here but not so much as to drag the background out much longer so
as to get into the main story asap. Thanks.

Chapter 2: WAHOOWA!

	So there I was, sort of in a daze, between my mom fussing over my
bed linens and how I have everything organized in my closet and desk, and
my dad who was lecturing me about drugs, alcohol, sex, blah, blah, blah. O
well i'm a good kid, for the most part, I like a little alcohol from time
to time so I can relax and just laugh my ass off, but i've never been piss
drunk and it's not even that often, any harm done? I'd lean towards a
no. Hell the morning of the PSAT's in high school, I was "tipsy" off of
vodka at 6 in the morning, and still got the highest score in my school
(only time i've ever gone to school with any alcohol in me but I was
nervous for some reason.) But yet I still got lectured about this from the
guy who was smoking, drinking, married, and had my mom pregnant before he
turned 18? priceless. Anywho, I was obviously not paying much attention,
really I was scared out my ass. My roommate had already moved in but was
currently absent from the room, hoping so much that he would be cool yet
just average looking. Yeah I know what you're thinking, why would I not
want him to be super hot, with a great body and beautiful eyes? At the
point in my life where I was just starting college, it was a little too
stressful to automatically fall for someone whom I would probably have zero
chance with, given my luck i'd get the incredibly sexy, hella conservative
guy who liked to pick on the gay kids in his high school. And at the same
time I wouldn't want my roommate to be down right ugly, because then I
would hate him for not being able to perv on him. O the complexities of
dorm life for a gay college student.

	After about ten more minutes of this, a guy pokes his head in the
room, smiles 'perfect set of white teeth with a gorgeous smile... fuck let
him be my RA please.'

	Coming over to me, he extends his hand for a handshake and
introduces himself "Hi I'm Jason Davis, and I guess i'm your
roommate."... fuck. And look at those biceps, someone seriously hates me,
or loves me, cause he is so hot. Tall, light brown hair in a crew cut, nice
eyes (smile and eyes are the most important thing to me)and muscles abound,
plus an adorable slight country accent. Total jock, so he definitely has
the looks down.

"uhh hi, i'm Alex." returning the handshake, with a small smile on my face.

	My sudden loss of speech due to constant cussing at myself for how
unlucky I am, caused him to start up a convo with my dad. I wouldn't
normally mind because it got the focus off myself, but when I caught on to
the conversation, I realized my dad was definitely going into his parental
mode, and Jason was helping all he could...

"yes sir, you don't have to worry, i'll take care of him and make sure he
don't get into any trouble." chuckling Jason looks back at me. 'There is no
way this can end well'

	luckily enough for me, my mom finishes getting everything how she
wants it right about then and I walk them back to their car and say
goodbye; my parents took it much better than I expected, with my dad making
jokes at my mom about whetehr or not she'd cry. Her eyes went moist but she
held it in. Walking back from Scott Stadium, which was only like two
minutes away from my dorm, I settled back into my room; proceeding to
rearrange things after my mom so it was how I liked it. Me and jason got
into some basic small talk, getting to know each other kind of deal and
talking sports 'I know he's a jock, but I wonder how often he'll talk about
or show an interest in something other than sports.' I got a text soon
after from my mom:

"your father acted all tough there but on the way home he started crying."
It was nice to know that my dad cared like that but at the same time, he
obviously didn't want me to see that...

	Being extremely tired from moving in, I decided to take a nap
before meeting my suitemates and RA... afterwards It was late so I just set
up my wireless connection on my laptop, settled in with one of my books for
class and made it an early night. little did I expect that Jason would
decide to go to sleep as soon as I did, and even more surprising; he sleeps
in just his boxers... on top of the sheets and blanket giving me a great
view, so hot.

	Over the next week we had the basic introductory stuff, convocation
on the lawn (one of my favorite places in the world, easily, the rotunda is
a beautiful building and the entire setup of the lawn makes it even
better. The lawn and the Ampitheatre are my favorite places on grounds but
no place beats the lawn at night in the snow after it has been lit up)
lectures on sexual harassment, diversity, etc. and soon classes are
starting up. My first class of my college career; psych 101. I was so
nervous and scared, thinking that everything the teacher said would go in
one ear and right out of the other, and I would end up failing out of
college. Yea I know i'm definitely an optimist and have a great deal of
confidence in my own abilities. Well fifteen minutes before class was to
begin (everyone is always early in a four hundred person class, especially
on the first day.) the teacher came in and immediately began playing music
I guess to help calm people or something. All of my anxieties melted away
as my proffesor played Tupac and Jefferson Airplane... the class went so
well and my psych proffesor was and is to this day my favorite teacher i've
ever had; having his class be my first class on my first day was simply
perfect.

	The rest of my classes were all great (astronomy was iffy but only
because of a weekly three hour lab from 8-11 at night, which would end up
being absolute torture come november/december) and soon it was time for my
first UVa football game!! I missed the first one because I had to go home
for some reason that I cannot remember to this day, probably for the best
though because we played USC and we lost 54-7. Anywho, my first home game I
was able to attend was UVa vs. U of R (Richmond) and I went to the game
with all of my suite mates. Since it was my first, I was nervous as hell
and just about bouncing off the walls in anticpation; then it came, the
music and then the mounted cavalier rushing onto the field brandishing a
sabre and waving it in front of the crowd proudly, followed out by the
University of Virginia football team. It may sound like a miniscule event
that doesn't mean much, but sitting in the student section and knowing that
this was all for MY school, a school that I am now apart of and always will
be, it was like a peak experience in my life. Feeling like I finally was
somewhere where I belonged and I was somewhere I could be proud of, my eyes
definitely watered up and I momentarily became lost in my own
self-introspection and bliss. But that didn't last long because the game
was soon underway, and sitting in the student section meant that there was
almost as much going on there as there was on the field. There is a
definite learning curve to the traditions at UVa and the football games are
no exception, probably what has the most traditions to be learned
actually. The Cavaliers were soon moving swiftly down the field, and within
minutes had a touchdown, also making the extra point. U of R is a good team
and their head coach at the time was recently appointed as our new head
coach after the 2009 season, but a team from a lower conference has very
little chance against a team in the ACC. Anyway, as soon as the points went
up on the scoreboard, everyone put their arms around the shoulders of the
people on either side of them and settled in to sing "The Good Old Song"
and the UVa chant along with the Cavalier Marching Band, me with Jason on
one side and derrick, one of my suite mates who was already becoming the
suite punching bag when it comes to joking, on the other:

"That good old song of Wah-hoo-wah--we'll sing it o'er and o'er,
It cheers our hearts and warms our blood to hear them shout and roar,
We come from old Virginia, where all is bright and gay.
Let's all join hands and give a yell for the dear old UVa.

Wah-hoo-wah, wah-hoo-wah! Uni-v, Virginia!
Hoo-rah-ray, hoo-rah-ray, ray, ray--U-Va!"

	That has to be one of my favorite traditions, although many people
of the LGBT community have expressed very differing beliefs; it is a common
thing for some of the older, probably drunk, students, who are probably the
fraternity brothers, to yell "NOT GAY" when the third line of the song
comes up. I have never heard someone actually say that though, and I know
if I had it would deeply upset me. The camaraderie of the tradition is what
I love about it, a feeling which would be shattered if I heard of other
students making such a comment; i'm as much of a student as them, why
should I be treated as if I don't belong? especially since the line does
not mean gay as in homosexual, the ignorance of it astounds me.

	AnyWHO back to the game, My earlier assumption that U of R didn't
have a chance, was in fact right. They held off well, stopping us from
pulling too far ahead, but the game ended with UVa winning 16-0 eliciting
some text messages to one of my best friends who goes to Richmond. That day
was definitely the highlight of my college career up to this point, and I
will always remember it as well as the emotions that went along with the
day. I could go on forever about all of the reasons why I love my school,
so I probably should not go into that.

	The majority of that semester went by smoothly, as well as
uneventfully, I didn't do as well as I was used to or would have liked in
my classes, finishing with a 2.9 GPA (but being at a major university and
having it be my first semester I thought nothing of it.) I went to all of
the football games that my schedule allowed, and I only went to one game
that we lost, but I can't remember who we lost to. That year we played
Virginia Tech (our rivals) at Tech and not surprisingly, we lost, so not
cool seeing as how I have friends there... who made sure to rub it in, not
to say I wouldn't have done it way worse if we had won though haha. The
only hitch in my great first semester, was my increasing attraction to my
roommate Jason, who was as hot as ever because he went to the gym almost
daily. Nothing hotter than a hot guy in a muscle shirt and gym shorts
soaked in sweat (imo.) I was definitely intrigued, but not only because he
was hot, he was a very, very nice guy who never once insulted me and who
always seemed to watch out for me when we were together, funny but also
serious. My first impression was definitely correct though in that just
about all he talked about was sports, the only negative I could find since
it's not a favorite topic of mine. I would personally enjoy, a little more
serious discussion topics. Anyway, I was also right to conclude that I
would end up with someone who was completely devoted to his religion, and
in a bad way, the ignorant way. I did not lose hope at a possibility
however and decided to start "teasing" him to see if I could get a rise out
of him, stop thinking dirty I was talking about an intrigued reaction
verbally, geez. I started to do things like sleeping in just boxer briefs
(i'm not bold enough to go completely nude, although I normally don't wear
underwear at all.) only under a sheet. Apparently, according to Jason, I
also moaned in my sleep although that was not intentional and the first
time I did it, he immediately jumped up causing enough of a ruckus to wake
me up.

	Groggily, and through squinted eyes I, once again, surveyed his
body "dude, what's wrong?"

"Are you alright? you made a weird noise..." he looked both concerned and
nervous.

"Nah, i'm fine... what did it sound like?" I chuckled.

"uhh... OOOOOooooo" it was definitely a moan... and definitely sexual. I
was thoroughly embarassed that I had done that in my sleep.

"haha... O ok." And we both promptly went back to sleep... and I know I
continued to do it because I have even done it in class before, total 'oh
fuck me!!' moment, and enough reason to not look my classmates in the eye
for awhile. Eventually, however, the tables sort of turned; during the
second semester as my attraction to him steadily grew (he was a great guy
and we got along extremely well, especially good since we were roommates. I
was infatuated with his looks at first, but as I got to know him, those
feelings grew to actual attraction.) resulting in my having a very hard
time sleeping at night with him in the same room. It seemed he had similar
problems sleeping and would wake up periodically at night and just watch
me. It seemed normal at first because, it's just a reaction sometimes when
you're thinking to watch another person (at least for me) but then I
realized I was normally scantily clad and barely covered by my sheet; and
eventually he got bold (I of course had my eyes barely open during these
times, so he would not realize I was in fact awake in the dim moonlight
coming in through the window right over my bed) and began reaching down
into his boxers, massaging himself, and moaning very quietly to ensure I
would not wake up. The only way I could really differentiate between these
sessions and his sleeping was because he always had a very soft snore when
sleeping, he was very inconspicuous when it came to his enjoyment of
watching me and it only led to a full on session on his part once.

	It was extremely hot in the room like always (even though it was
february at this point) so once again, I was barely covered, and I woke up
around four in the morning to the nearly inaudible "ooooo"'s and "mmmmm"'s
that normally accompanied his watching me. Little did I realize that this
time he would not control himself like normal, rubbing himself through his
boxers, never actually pulling it out, probably in fear of being caught. He
continued to massage himself for a few minutes before I heard,

"O UGH!" his body jerked and his hips lurched upward, orgasming into his
underwear, immediately proceeding to roll over and fall back to sleep.

	You may be wondering, why in the midst of all of this did I not
act? Why indeed. I have never been one to act promiscuously or boldly, I
have always envisioned my fantasies to be a little more "romantic," at
least hoping to be able to call a man my boyfriend before making that
step. Sure at this point I probably had enough reason to believe he liked
me, physically for sure, and possibly more since he always seemed very
protective of me when out in public. But alas, I would soon find out that I
have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, causing me to be nearly paranoid the
majority of the time. Which of course, always made me doubt the signs, and
let my nerves get the better of me, I began to draw away from Jason, rarely
talking to him during the day; something that he very quickly caught on to,
only to give me my space.

	Because I was letting my anxiety get the better of me, and not
trying to control it, my schoolwork began to slip; I could not concentrate
in class, study, very rarely do my readings or concentrate on homework, and
my memory even began to decline. I also began to have anxiety attacks from
time to time when I really let it get to me, being unable to stop my body
from shaking and unable to control my mind from running a mile a second,
sometimes having difficulty breathing; I have never felt more crazy than
when I had to bite down on my own arm to stop my body from shaking and to
calm myself, never breaking the skin, but enough to bring my mind back to
reality. During one specific of these instances, I got a facebook chat
message from a girl named jessica in my writing class from first
semester. It surprised me because we hadn't really conversed much during
our class, with the exception of being editors for each others final papers
and having breakfast together one morning late-january. She asked me to
come over to her place and watch a movie with her and a friend, I said yes
of course, she showed initiative so who was I to say no especially at a
chance to get away from Jason and help clear my mind.

	The movie was called Midnight Meat Train, yeah that was my first
thought also. There was not much time to converse during the movie because
it was really odd, so we all wanted to know what was in fact going on. Her
friend's name was Jamie, but I would get to actually know her later (milk
chocolate skin, taller than myself, but i'm not sure by how much, nice
hair, and she remains to be one of the few girls whose chest FORCES my eyes
to stare.) And when the lights came on, Jessica excused herself and I from
Jamie's room and took me into one of her buildings common rooms to talk. I
thought for sure she liked me so I was not sure at all how this would go.

"So, what's wrong alex?"

"What makes you think something is wrong?"

	She tilted her head down and gave me a look that said 'don't lie to
me like that young man.' I couldn't help but let a small chuckle escape my
mouth.

"I'm just that good, I can tell something's bothering you. I could tell
last semester in our writing class, but I was never quite sure what it was,
and it seems like whatever it is has gotten worse. so talk" still thinking
she liked me I did not want to say what was really bothering me and began
refusing to talk. She, being the mothering type that she is would not give
up.

"I don't wanna talk about it..."

"don't give me that, it always helps to have someone to talk to about
things."

"I know..."

"Then tell me already! i'll force it out of you if you continue to be a
bitch."

"O really now? how would you do that?"

"Sit on you." Damn... I knew i was bested. I may talk big, and be able to
take care of myself, but I would not fight back against a girl and I weigh
only 115 pounds, just about anyone can win with the threat of sitting on
me.

"ooooooo low blow chica," she laughed "alright I guess..." I went on to
tell her the whole story about Jason, obviously that I was gay and the
panic attacks I was having, as well as going into the story of Garrett. She
was the first person at UVa I had told that I was gay, and it felt amazing.

"Oh my God Marcus, i'm glad you told me about it, and I hope you won't
continue to keep everything bottled in. That's probably what's making you
have those panic attacks. I actually just came out recently, I'm a
lesbian."

"Well ding dang lady! you should have told me before, I wasn't wanting to
tell you I was gay cause I thought you liked me." both of us burst into
laughter at that point.

	We continued to talk the majority of the night, and I felt
absolutely amazing. We had an instant connection and since we both found
someone in a similar situation we decided that we would start going to some
of the LGBT events now that we had someone to go with. Jessica is really
pretty, with strawberry blonde hair, it used to be long but just recently
she cut it short, she's about my height, and is one of the most selfless
and caring people that I know (which can often cause problems because of
course not everyone cares so much) she also plays piccolo in the Cavalier
Marching Band.

	Over the next few months Jessica became my best friend, and I did
almost everything with her, she (along with some other friends) convinced
me to go see a counselor on campus when my anxiety was not dissipating even
though I was talking about all of my problems with Jessica. This is when I
was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and well, I continued to
see my counselor even though it was just a weekly meeting to talk about how
my week was. Sort of by my own research I learned how to control my anxiety
better, stopped having any panic attacks and my nerves started to change
into frustration.

	Around this point I started to release my anxiety by either drawing
or venting all of my emotions down on paper. Due to the fact that Dobie (my
dorm building) was being torn down the summer after my first year, we were
given permission to draw/paint the walls. And knowing that I enjoyed
drawing, my suite mates convinced me to draw a huge mural of the rotunda on
one of the walls in our common room. Even though I knew it would be torn
down, I wanted it to look perfect, actually measuring out every detail
about the drawing to make sure it came out like it should. It took a little
over a month of spending a few hours a day on it to finish, but it couldn't
have turned out any better; and the process was well worth it since it gave
me time to myself to think. One day, however, when I was unable to spend
time on the mural, I vented on paper concerning my feelings for Jason; and
because I was running late put it in the pullout shelf of my desk with the
shelf pushed in but the cover open. During a discussion class that evening,
I got a text from Jason saying "Hey.... I saw your note, can we talk when
you get back?" I nearly shat myself right there. But alas! I persevered,
and I did not. Dreading what awaited me when I went back to my dorm, I
procrastinated and called up some of my friends from home. Eventually I had
to return though, and Jason was there; but I had a feeling he didn't want
to have that conversation anymore than I did because we didn't say a single
word to each other that night. The "talk" came the next morning, as Jason
was getting ready to leave for class and I was just waking up. He slowoly
walked to the door, shut it, walked over to his bed and plopped down with
his hands in his pockets and focusing intently on me.

"Can we talk?"

"Sure, why not?" I was avoiding looking at him, as if it would kill me to
do so, acting as if something outside my window caught my eye, and was
extremely fascinating.

"About the note..."

"I didn't mean for you to see that..."

"O... well, I'm sorry, I thought that you ha dmeant for me to read it." He
cleared his throat and kept going. "I have to say though, I like you a lot
Alex, but not anymore than as a friend." see I KNEW it.

"yeah, I know."

"Listen, I'm sorry..."

"Don't worry about it i'm used to it.." and by that time I was really
zoning out, I didn't want to be there, it was an awkard conversation. And
it was also one of those conversations that just bitch slaps you in the
face with the truth, and leaves you with the idea 'what the fuck was wrong
with me?' and also leaves you with the sudden feeling of freedom because
all in one instant you no longer like someone who before you had very
strong feelings for. him leaving to go to class pulled me out of that daze
and forced me to get myself up for class (i'm not at all a morning person,
so it's always a struggle.)

	Long story short, me and Jason orally (get your mind out of the
gutter) spoke with each other only a handful of times for the rest of the
year... yes me and my roommate totally stopped speaking, can you say
"awkwaaarrrrrrddd?" cause I can. I live only about an hour and forty-five
minutes away from school so I started going home over some weekends, and
avoiding the dorm room like the plague on others.

	One weekend in about march, a friend from home asked me if I wanted
to buy a puppy; and finding out what breed they were and how much I could
get one for since I knew her, I happily agreed. Nanook, is pretty much like
my child; I spoil him rotten, he only listens to me, he follows me around
everywhere whenever I am home, and sleeps with me at night, and I take care
of that dog by myself whenever i'm home. He's an all white Siberian Husky;
friendliest and most energetic dog i've ever seen. He craves attention and
will go up to any stranger and immediately get hyper at the prospect at
meeting someone new. All that and I got him for only $80.

	For the most part after this, my semester started to turn around: I
was happier and my nerves were under control a lot better, and I was
getting used to avoiding Jason, my concentration and memory were coming
back, and I was really getting back into drawing which I love. I finished
the semester with a 2.7 GPA, again depressing because of what I was used
to, but considering the semester I had I felt that I did very well.

	The Day Jason was to leave I planned to spend the day with
Jessica. I have no idea why but as soon as I left that day I immediately
became pissed beyond all recognition, and when i met up with Jessica she
has an amused look her on face.

"I could tell you were mad like half a block away... before I even SAW you,
it's like I could feel your anger." she laughed it off and I find it
interesting now, but at the time I was pissed. So I showed no recognition
of even hearing her. She quickly changed that though, doing all she could
to make me laugh and have a good time, we did, we went down to the
downtown, outside mall ate and just hungout. We planned to meet up after we
each got naps so we could study for our sociology final we had together the
next morning. Going back to my dorm for my all too important nap I found
the room half empty where Jason had already left and I also found a note
from him tucked inside a book that I had leant him. The letter was
bullshit, mixed with dumbass. He told me outright that I should, and I
quote "develop a relationship with Jesus, and become straight like I did."
'HA- if he's straight, I get off by looking at breasts, and that ain't
gonna happen.'

	With that behind me, I was VERY hopeful for my summer and following
second year at UVa; I would be taking a poetry writing class as well as
studio art, so it should be very chill and fun. I was right, I fell in love
with my poetry class, heavily getting into the art of writing poetry and
still sometimes do it in my freetime when I get a good idea, I also
thoroughly enjoyed my art class and learned how to draw still-lifes and
human models like I was never able to before. I also had a new roommate,
Ron, who was one of my suitemates from the previous year that I got along
really well with. Really I don't understand that though because our
personalities clash so heavily and we are nothing alike, but he's a great
guy. Slightly taller than me, dark brown hair, but just slightly
overweight. He was also a very good dresser and knew more about fashion
than anyone else I know, I always messedd with him about how "gay" he was;
which I got a kick out of and he got pissed whenever i'd say that cause he
was 100% straight, and had it coming from an actual gay guy.

	Halfway through the semester I planned on attending the UVa
production of The Laramie Project with Jessica and a few other friends who
were either gay, or supportive of the LGBT community. Once the actors went
up on stage though, the thought of the play and the fact that I was there
for something that should be moving totally went out the window. One of the
actors, simply by looking at him, took my breath away. It was like "THA
THUNDA BOLT" moment where I was just instantly taken with this guy who I
didn't know at all, which never happens to me; I HAVE to know someone's
personality before I can like them, i'm not even attracted to celebrities
(with the exception of Mr. Channing Tatum... daaaaaammmnnn) for that
reason. But there I was wanting to know everything about this guy, and
having a total crush on him and I have no idea why. Sure he was cute, but
that does not cover it: from my vantage point he looked taller than myself
but I can't say for sure how tall, nearly black, short buzzed hair, a
strong tan that looked mainly to do with heredity rather than simply
tanning but I could not place his nationality even if forced, even from
that distance I could tell he had amazing dark brown eyes, strong biceps
poking out of those shirt sleeves, and a smile to die for. That smile alone
could make me go crazy, no lie, it's one of those smiles that seems to just
light up the room and become infectious at the same time. 'What the fuck am
I thinking? this is some random ass dude in a play and I will never know
his name. control yourself child. But at the same time, I really, really
wanna know why it is i'm so attracted to him. Maybe there's a specific
reason, God i'm goin crazy.' Eventually I was able to tame myself, and put
my mind on the production, leaving any notion or idea of the nameless guy
behind as I left to go back to my dorm that night.

	I thought that everything to do with that matter was over when I
didn't see him after the play to speak to him, but maybe my luck was
finally changing because it wasn't. A girl in my poetry class, with whom I
was becoming good friends with, megan, was talking to me on gchat one night
and mentioned how three of her best friends were gay guys, and going into
the kinda stuff each one does to see if I knew any. I thought it too much
of a coincidence that one of them happened to be big into LGBT stuff and
had even played in The Laramie Project so I had to ask.

"Was he the hot one? haha"

"YES!!!!! omg he's a total hottie... I could introduce you..."

	I of course accepted, happily but, in as much of a dignified manner
as possible. Hoping beyond all hope that I would indeed get to find out
exactly why I was so attracted to him; I didn't even need to have him like
me, I just wanted to talk to the dude. I don't really have any gay guy
friends anyway. Megan ended up telling me his name is Brandon Larson and
talking to him, told me to simply e-mail him. Within a few days of psyching
myself up I finally did so, and hoped that I would get a response. I did
within a day, but upon the next time of waiting for a response I received
nothing. I was dissapointed but not at all upset or harmed by the
matter. Over the past year I have grown exponentially and did not let it
bother me.

	I finished that last semester with a 3.6 GPA, which is a lot more
to my liking and proves how much better i'm doing this year than how I was
in the past.

	Going into my winter break and where I am now, I have never been
happier, sure I still have never had a guy I like tell me they like me, or
anything of that sort. But do I need that to be happy? No I do not. Nor
would that solve everything if I did believe that I still needed it. I am a
great person and that shit will coem when it comes, in the meantime, I will
not sulk over what never was. I am happy and I will accept nothing less
than continuing along with that, some things aren't worth fretting over.

	I guess now would be the time to say a little bit about myself
right? Well i'm about 5'7, 115 pounds, sure i'm skinny as hell but i keep
what I do have in very good shape, and i've always thought that I dress
well and right for my size (my weight is obviously the one thing I can't
stand about my appearance, but no matter what I do and how I change my diet
I can never gain a pound) I have dark brown hair that some people mistake
for being black, cut really short on the sides and just slightly longer on
top so that I have bangs, DARK brown eyes, and a perpetual stubble. My skin
has a dark complexion to it even though I'm usually pale the majority of
the year with the exception of summer, pale for me though is still not the
same as a normal person's pale due to the fact that there's a lot of Native
American in my blood. I USED to have my nipples pierced but I sleep on my
stomach so they got extremely annoying at times and I took them out, But
i'm thinking about getting my eyebrow or lip done to replace it. Oh and I
normally wear glasses whenever I go out places, I don't need them for being
at home though. I love to draw, mostly charcoal, and write poetry usually,
on rare occasions going into fiction, but it's definitely my weakest area
at this point. I wouldn't really consider myself hella masculine, but I am
not effeminate and can definitely take care of myself, not that I wouldn't
complain if a guy wanted to "protect" me.

...

"Fuck dude" suddenly the left bud of my earphones stopped working "that's
like the fifth pair this year... I really should stop biting on those
things...." keeping the right one in I change the song on my mp3 player to
Mika's "Relax, Take it Easy" seeing as how it's 3:00 AM it's safe to dance
around my living room, and get Nanook to go along; eating up the attention
and excuse to use up energy, he runs around me tail just a waggin'.

"Relax, take it easy
For there is nothing that we can do.
Relax, take it easy
Blame it on me or blame it on you.

It's as if I'm scared.
It's as if I'm terrified.
It's as if I scared.
It's as if I'm playing with fire.
Scared.
It's as if I'm terrified.
Are you scared?
Are we playing with fire?

Relax
Relax"

"God... I am so freaking gay... Alright boy, go to bed." Nook does just as
I tell him, runs in my room, jumps on the bed and waits for me as I turn
off all the lights and head to bed. My head still running just long enough
after it hits the pillow to wonder what will happen next semester? everyone
so far has been interesting in some way. This one can't be any different.

To be continued...

Ok so I finished going through the background and next will be to go into
the realm of fiction and build up based on past experiences and the
character in general. I am not entirely sure where I want the character to
go quite yet so the next chapter may take longer to get put up. Anywho,
it's always great to hear from people so if you just wanna talk (even if it
has nothing to do with my story) or all you have to say is "good job" send
me an email, it will be greatly apreciated and I will respond when I can.

As another reminder this story up to this point is 100% true, so
suggestions that it should contain more sex cannot really be appeased at
this point and even when sex is introduced the character WILL NOT, enter an
overly promiscuous fuck everything with a dick stage, that is not what I am
trying to do, and that does not reflect the ideas of the character either
seeing as how that character is me.

I am also going to copy and paste two of my poems, since many of them do
have to do with gay couples and such, if you would like to comment on any
of those shoot me an email, and if people seem to like them I may put more
in on future chapters. You can tell me you do not like them, idc, just make
it constructive. Thanks again.

(This one is a villanelle...)
Confession Via E-mail... "Double Dot Slash"


Jade sapphires like the pale glaucous gleam of a gestating fruit.
When they travel my way my mind becomes snow dot dot dot I freeze
My heart beats a tattoo in my chest, and my voice becomes mute.

A royal shade of emerald fluttering a zigzag. The pattern; a rhythm, a flute,
Moving here, moving there, but never this here, double dot open parentheses.
Jade sapphires like the pale glaucous gleam of a gestating fruit.

Camo green under an azure backdrop that inspires me to salute
My allegiance to you. Add a few stars and maybe I will feel a patriotic breeze,
My heart beats a tattoo in my chest, and my voice becomes mute.

A painting cyan with a hint of chartreuse, no one could refute
Your rugged beauty. A simple glance could infect me with lust, your disease.
Jade sapphires like the pale glaucous gleam of a gestating fruit.

Till the day when those envious orbs shoot
My way. Maybe I'm dreaming, hopefully I'm not, double dot close parentheses.
My heart beats a tattoo in my chest, and my voice becomes mute.

Although it is not nearly enough, your grey eyes deserve a better tribute
Than this, one which I may finally send, will this one be enough? Please?
Jade sapphires like the pale glaucous gleam of a gestating fruit,
My heart beats a tattoo in my chest, and my voice becomes mute.

(free verse)
To you: I Say "No"


I have always wanted the chance to say no to you.
I've been waiting for the day you would come to me
Looking like an expectant puppy, begging for table scraps.
You're not very cute though, never were now that I think of it,
So I'm sure I can say no when you rest your head on my knee,
Look up at me,

And whimper
when I don`t look back at you.

You're so predictable! You had me once,
Back In the day I used to crave your warmth,
Crave cuddling you. Why I would NEED you so... is a mystery.
Maybe you tricked me, yes! that must be it. A siren
Of virility you are! You ambushed me, and I caved.

                                               ... ALAS! I have learned!
I have grown! and you have lost your ability to sing.
						The crescendo has passed,
And the decrescendo is fading.
				           It's my turn now...




It was puppy love, simple as that, nothing more than
fervid, detrimental puppy love.
Falling...
                Falling...
                          Like a desperate eagle in love...



And to that, I say "no."