"One Night, Why Not"
It's something you've NEVER done before. Something you certainly wouldn't have done a couple of months ago when you finally told your first 'victim' that you were gay. But it's your 23rd birthday tonight, and after slowly struggling with the tension filled task of coming out of the closet over the past 10 weeks...you've decided that you're going to actually find a USE for this newfound freedom of yours!
Despite the desperate and valiant attempts of your new gay friends to get you to open up and actually become a part of the 'gay scene' in the downtown area, you've always refused them. You dreaded doing it. You've heard about the meat markets, the drag queens, and have been inundated with dark stories of heartbreak, drug use, and diseases that spread like wildfire in places like that. But after years of repressed sexuality and hiding from yourself, you've made the decision to give in. Much to your friends' surprise!
You shower and begin to get yourself ready for a night out. You pick out your best 'club' outfit, and crank up your CD player, blasting music that will get you pumped up for tonight. You've been visiting the Shack Out Back website for two years now, and decided that you would post the good news on the forum. It was a big step for you, and just seeing a few notes of encouragement from your online pals has fueled your confidence, and inspired a bit more courage in you that wasn't there before. Naturally, there's still a soft rumbling in your stomach, begging you to reconsider. Telling you that this is too new and too strange and just TOO damn abnormal for you to go through with it. It's a part of you that wants to maintain its fixed identity, that wants you to chicken out and make up some excuse as to why you can't go. Telling a few close friends that you like to suck dick is one thing...but being seen in a dance club by HUNDREDS of people who are going to KNOW you like to suck dick just by BEING there...that's a whole other terrifying story! But...as the music gets you swaying back and forth, and you think about all the trouble and planning your friends went through to take you out tonight...you silence that cowardly voice of yours, and you try to keep your nerve up long enough to at least make an extended appearance. After all...you DID promise your online buds that you would have fun tonight. You've never met them, but they're gonna know if you turn tail and run now. So you wrestle with that inner tremble and continue to get ready to go. Even putting a big red and blue 'C' on the back of your right hand, hoping to have it noticed by some cute guy who can make this night an even brighter experience than you were expecting. You never know, right?
That scary feeling inside strikes with a vengeance, however, as you hear your cell phone ring. And you realize that you have a car full of young horny gay guys, and a few straight girls who are coming along for the ride, waiting for you downstairs. With hopes of getting you liquored up, dancing like crazy, and probably laid. "I'll be down in a sec." You tell them, hearing the tremble in your voice as hang up the phone. You think to yourself...'this is it'. This is the big dive into the deep end. No more dipping your toe in the pool to see if the water's cold...it's time to sink or swim.
You check to make sure you've got your wallet, your Driver's License, and money for a cab...just in case. You never know. You think that you should have had a few drinks before even leaving the house, if for no other reason than to calm your nerves and put you in more of a party mood. But it's too late for that now. They're waiting for you.
You take a deep sigh, grab your house keys...and take a long look at yourself in the mirror before walking out that door. You stare at your reflection, your eyes meeting the gaze of that 'stranger' in the glass...and you take a moment to ponder what your life has been up until this very moment. And what it might be after it. It's almost as if you need to take a moment to say goodbye to the guy who was always too scared to be who he really was inside. Too scared to go after what he wanted for fear of rejection and ridicule. The guy you were before you ever agreed to go partying at a gay club downtown. It's a surprisingly emotional parting of ways. You'd think you would be happy to get rid of this other 'person' that was built more by the people who knew nothing about you than by your own hands. You'd think that separating yourself from him would be a blessing. But...you've lived with him in your life for so long...it's hard to let go. Even in pursuit of something more.
They'll be calling again soon to see what the deal is. Better get going. You break away from the mirror, and with a deep breath, you take the first step outside of that door. Closing it behind you, and preparing to be reborn from scratch.
Your friends welcome you with giant grins and laughter, so anxious to 'pop your club cherry'! They tell you how good you look, and are all hollers and hi-fives as they squeeze you into the back seat of the car. They ask you if you're ready. And you attempt to appear just as excited as they are...but that little pack of butterflies in your stomach are quickly growing in number, and you can feel them going wild as their fluttering wings become almost nauseating to you. Everyone tells you it's going to be awesome. They tell you you're gonna love it and that you'll never want to leave. They shout that you're gonna party all night and brag about how cute the boys are in this place. But the whole time you're riding in that car, you remain mostly silent when not being spoken to. Staring at the mark on the back of your hand, or gazing out of the back window, lightly nibbling on whatever fingernails you have left that haven't already been crunched down to a nub over the past few hours.
You think about that stranger in the mirror, and for a moment, you almost want to run back to him. You almost want to tell them to turn the car around and just go someplace...more 'normal'. Some place where you can go on pretending that you're straight in front of a public who probably couldn't care less. It wasn't you, but there was a comfort in it that didn't exist for you in this car. And CERTAINLY not in the smoke and mirrors of some fabled homosexual paradise downtown. Your breath gets short, and a mild panic begins to sit like a heavy block of ice in the center of your chest, as your friends in the front talk about the directions. One of the girls in the backseat with you sees you stressing out, and instead of calling it to anyone else's attention...she simply puts her hand on your arm and gives it a gentle squeeze. You manage to work up a somewhat decent smirk, trying to hide the all consuming fear swelling up in your stomach...but even you doubt that it's very convincing. Still, you're more afraid of bailing on your friends' plans than you are of going out, so you bite your bottom lip, and just take the ride.
You can see the rainbow flashing lights from a block and a half away. Ever since you entered the gay part of town, you've been sweating and almost gasping for enough breath to keep you conscious. And once you see the driver parallel parking the car, you consider just telling them NO! What are they gonna do? Force you to go? Tease you about it? Pout? Who cares? This is too big a step. You should have stayed home. You should have said no.
But as soon as the key leaves the ignition, and people start exiting the car, you put on a brave face. Your mind struggling between one fear and the other, until you're too dizzy to fight either one of them off any more You step out of the car, and feel your knees almost buckle beneath you. Your legs are as weak as a newborn puppy's, and you can't stop the tingly feeling in your feet long enough to stand up straight. Everyone around you is smiling as they cross the street and quickly wisk you away to the side door of the club. They ask again if you're ready, letting you know, once again, that this is going to be SUCH a good time for you! They scream out a few 'happy birthday' greetings, and take joy out of seeing your last minute jitters. Are you ready? Is anybody ever ready for something like this? Or are they all just as scared as you are right now?
You get in line on the outside of the club, not knowing that you were actually going to be this 'exposed' for this long. While you had gathered up enough courage to actually step foot INSIDE the club for the first time...the thought of you being out in the open, and possibly being seen waiting to get into this 'perverted palace' by any average pedestrian or night time traffic, had never crossed your mind.
A bit shaken, you begin to have paranoid visions of your parents accidentally driving by, with your little brother in the back seat, pointing and laughing at his queer brother as he waits to get into this den of pillow biting sissies. And as much as you want that fear to go away, it continues to cling to your ribs with ice cold claws until you're actually close enough to show the guy at the door with the little flashlight your ID. You do what you can to hide your face, but the bouncer needs to see it up close to make sure that it matches the one on your driver's license. He's only doing his job, but the sudden attention to your face makes you think that he's somehow singling you out to be a first time gay kid out to get some ass. You take a second to try to relax and just step inside to meet up with your friends...and then, at long last, you're inside.
There's a long staircase leading up to the main entrance, and it's extremely dark except for a few dim lights near the door. The carpet on the steps is a deep shade of red, and it seems to vibrate gleefully along with the pulsating sounds of house music. Your friends are laughing happily as they guide you to the door, and practically push you inside. It's been a scary trip...but now....here you are.
"Ten dollar cover." Says the guy at the top of the steps. He's built like a fucking Frankenstein monster, and wearing a shirt tight enough to let you see every ripple of bulging muscle he possesses underneath. The kind of body that you can't look at without imagining what it would be like if he were to get mad and knock you the fuck out in front of everybody watching.
Your first friend pays the ten dollars, and the guy stamps his hand. Your second friend pays, and gets his hand stamped as well. You go in last, give the guy ten bucks...but when he sees the 'C' on the back of your hand, he looks you in the eye. And hands you back the ten dollar bill. "No cover." He says. You stop for a moment, wondering if there's a mistake, but he pulls you forward to get to the club hoppers behind you. "Come on, come on, go." He says, then collecting money from the people in line behind you. Was it the mark on your hand? Does he know?
Nahhh...somebody must have told him that it was your birthday today. That's all. Or maybe he just thinks your somebody else entirely. Whatever. It's ten more dollars you've got to drink with.
The place is pretty dark with the exception of lasers and strobe lights. There's dance music playing, but it's not the ultra gay disco hits that you would have expected. In fact, looking around the room, you notice that there's a pretty mixed crowd of people in this place. Mostly men, of course, but not one hundred percent. And your friends were right...they weren't as strange and flashy as you thought they would be. There were no buff guys in tight leather pants with the ass cut out, and no shirt on. There were no handlebar moustaches, no whips and handcuffs, no extravagant drag queen divas swinging a feather stole around. The club, while having the appearance of the wild and crazy raves that you've seen on television...wasn't anything like that. Most of the guys there were just like you. Young college boys, dressed in decent club clothes, having a few drinks and just looking for a good time. It was no different from any of the 'straight' clubs that you've been in a million times before. Except here...it was ok to be gay. Hell...you were practically an outcast if you weren't gay. And that subtle shift in the odds...felt really good. Really good.
Your friends look at your face as you peek at a cute guy walking by you to get to the bar. They look at each and laugh, giving you a playful shove They tease you for being so 'secretive' about checking out the local 'candy' in that place. They tell you, "It's a GAY club, dude! It's ok to look! Nobody's gonna look at you funny! So just take it all in and do some ass watching, will ya?"
Sure, it sounds easy for you to just let go and be as gay as you want to be in here. But it's more difficult than you might think. You've got to warm up to the idea of being...free. It takes time to break away from all of those chains you used to keep yourself close to the 'hetero' fortress. You've been a 'secret agent' in public for so long, that you don't know how to let go of the secret yet.
You still feel a tremble inside, but you feel much more able to tune it out now that you sorta know what you're dealing with here. Some of that harsh tension begins to uncoil from the knot in your shoulders that had been slowly tightening up ever since you agreed to come out here. You feel on display, somehow, getting a shiver every time you make eye contact with a stranger. A few cuties smile at you as you as you walk past, and you almost get the courage to smile back...but not quite. Eye contact is still a bit of a challenge at this point. Perhaps a few liquid intoxicatants are needed for you to move into that kinda of mellow flirtation. You LIKE this place, but aren't comfortable to say you're having 'fun' just yet. It's only been a few minutes, you'll loosen up eventually.
"What are you drinking first?" Your friend asks you, getting ready to make his first run of many to the bar tonight.
You shrug your shoulders and tell him, "I dunno. Surprise me." Which inspires a rather wicked smirk from him, and he leaves with the full intention of making you cringe and sputter with the first sip.
The rest of you find a small table to sit around, and you attempt to absorb the pleasing atmosphere of the place. Not to mention that it feels good to get off of those shaky legs of yours for a few minutes. You look around at the commotion, and try to mentally slow your heartbeat and breathe normally. You're already here, right? Just relax. You look from the bar, to the dance floor, to the upstairs area, to the DJ booth...and things are almost beginning to feel 'stable' to you until you notice two guys kissing by the bathroom. Not just a peck on the lips either...but a deep tongue kiss, full of passion and intimacy. And they are going at it as though they don't care who sees them. As though it was just...'every day'. You look around to see if anybody else in the room is witnessing this...and no one seems to really care. They don't find this odd? This doesn't look out of place to them? How can they not notice?
"Ok...." You think to yourself, as you feel your mindset begin to finally settle in to what's going on here. This is supposed to happen. You're supposed to be comfortable. You're supposed to have fun.
Your friend comes back with a small round tray full of drinks in a variety of different colors. You notice that there are some small shot glasses involved, but there are too many for just the folks at the table. It isn't until the tray is able that you find yourself with now one, not two, but FOUR different shots lined up in front of you, with a nice clear alcoholic drink to help 'wash it down'. Geez, they really weren't playing around, were they?
The mellow sting of the liquor is pretty savage at first, but it gets easier as you take a few more swallows of it. You welcome the comfort it brings you, as time goes on and a few of those pesky inhibitions begin to melt away. You're not drunk, or even tipsy for that matter. But you feel a hell of a lot better than you did when you first entered this place. Maybe you're just accepting the environment as it is, and put your worries to rest. You begin to let your eyes wander a bit more freely, grazing over the firm asses and seductively hidden bulges of the cute college boys surrounding you. You pick out about five or six guys that you wouldn't mind going a couple of rounds with, if given the chance. It still induce a blush when your friends notice you looking, but it only succeeds in making you laugh along with them. Adding to the fun factor.
You recognize Janet Jackson's 'Feedback' being worked into the DJ's rotation, and it's a song you recognize, so you naturally begin to move your shoulders to the beat. One of the girls you came with encourages you by dancing along with you, as more shot glasses 'magically' appear at your table. "Nooooo, no more! I need a break!" You tell your friends, but they practically force the glass into your hand and close your fingers around it You look at them with a sigh, but as you look down and see the 'C' mark on the back of your hand, you remember your vow to yourself to go all out tonight. So you figure, 'what the hell?', and clink glasses with your happy tormentors. They all shout out a happy birthday, and guzzle down the luke warm liquid in unison. It's enough to give you quite an instant buzz, right over the tops of your eyelids. But before you can even recover fully, you feel hands gripping your own from across the table.
"We've gotta dance! Come on! Get up!" They shout out. You pull back, not wanting to make that much of a spectacle of yourself just yet. Mr. 'You Got Served', you are not. But they are persistent in getting you out of that seat, and pulling back too hard would be....like, rude. "You said you'd have fun tonight, so let's do it!" You allow them to pull you to your feet with a smile, minimal resistance on your part, and they drag you right through the partying crowd of dancers to the center of the dance floor. You feel a little foolish at first, but they can't help but start moving in time with the pounding rhythm surrounding you all. Sure...you hesitate. But between the alcohol, the music, and the glow of joyful satisfaction on your friends' faces, you can't help but dance with them. Nothing too outlandish or flashy, just enough to show them that you ARE, indeed, dancing...and not standing still. Hehehe, NO pelvic thrusts in this place, you'll look like an idiot.
You actually begin to build a sweat pretty fast, but after about three minutes of pretending to dance, you actually begin to loosen up even more, and hit a whole new level of enjoyment as you get enveloped by the sparkling lights around you. You realize that nobody is really 'watching' or 'grading' you on your moves, and you'll have more fun looking silly and laughing at yourself than you will sticking to a risk free corner of the room. So you let go, and it feels GOOD! There are other guys around you who begin to notice, and they seem to smile at you and your friends, hoping to get close enough to share in some of your good time. This is SO much more than you ever expected! You actually begin to laugh out loud as one of your friends gives you a sip of his whiskey sour, and your dancing causes some of it to dribble down your chin. It feels good to get a high five from your gay friends, and to hear the girls cheer out loud for you, hugging you around the neck, and giving you kisses on the cheek But the real excitement comes from seeing one of the other boys in the club making eye contact with you from over your friend's shoulder.
He's only one of the many boys who have noticed you guys having a good time and have come to dance next to you all. But this particular guy has a definite 'focus' in his attention...and it's you. He's got a really boyish face, with short, preppy cut, light brown hair, and a set of piercing blue eyes that you can even see in the dark. He's the same height as you, with little sparkles of glitter on his face, and a snug fitted silk tank top shirt hugging his slim waifish frame. Light blue.
You make eye contact and smile, seeing him respond in the same fashion. But there's something in you that doesn't want to believe that it could possibly be that easy. So, instead, you stick to your close knit group of friends, and just dance with them instead. It's a jolt of curiosity that causes you to keep peeking back up at the sweet faced boy on the dance floor periodically....and he's almost always looking back at you. It becomes a game of furtive glances and secret smiles, and it only enhances your enjoyment by leaps and bounds.
Thoughts cross your mind of possibly going over to introduce yourself. Maybe even dancing with him. In this topsy turvy environment, where being attracted to another boy is actually accepted...youwonder if maybe you could take one of those chances that you don't usually take. So...while dancing, you use your hand, the one with the mark on the back of it, and run it through the damp locks of your hair. You make sure that this other boy can see it, and hope that maybe...just MAYBE...by some weird coincidence, he'll know what it means. You look back, and you see a wide grin on his face as he catches sight of your beautiful smile. And while still dancing to the beat, you notice him dancing his way closer to you and your group.
He keeps going until he's right next to you, dancing at your side...and all you have to do is turn 30 degrees to the left to actually be dancing with him. But you hesitate. To him, it may seem like a simple move..but to you, it is a major step in a completely different direction from the one that stranger in your mirror at home would have taken. You've come this far, and decide that you might as well push this 'birthday fun' thing just a little bit further. What's the harm, right?
You take that slight turn, and now...with complete eye contact with this complete stranger, you begin dancing with this random club boy. He tests the waters by moving just a bit closer to you, and you meet him half way, until you two are actually touching each other. You catch the sound of a few giggles coming from the others you came with, but ignore them as you move from their world and into this new one. You find the courage to very lightly put your arms on the other boy's shoulders as the music guides you two to dance even closer. There's no touching of naughty parts, but it's a lot more intimate than most would think. He's DEFINITELY interested in you! And you LIKE that!
You make sure to show him the 'C' on your hand again, and this time, he takes a hold of your fingertips, and kisses it. Hehehe, you giggle to yourself, and he joins you, but is more concerned with seeing your many layers of connection as you reveal them to him little by little. He MUST know! He must have been to the site. It's obviously increased his interest in you, and that gives you the nod to go all out. It fuels you to know that you already have something in common, and your confidence increases until you find yourself smiling at him openly, and slowly moving closer until you two are almost grinding on one another.
This is so WILD to you! Here you are, in a gay club, slowly pushing yourself into this really cute boy, while he's tenderly holding onto your hips..listening to good music...and just having fun! Not worried at all about who's watching, or having anybody call you any names for indulging in your attractions. Wow...how long have you been secretly praying for THIS day to come, huh?
You sense some movement behind you, and your friends begin to exit the dance floor, one by one. You see them leaving, and with a grin, you tell your 'dance partner', "Thanks." And you nervously back away from him to follow the rest of them. His smile fades a bit, but he nods his head in agreement, enjoying the dance immensely.
When you get back to the table, your friends look at you like you're fucking CRAZY! "What the hell are you doing???" One of them asks you.
You're confused for a moment. And say, "What are you talking about?"
They're staring at you as though you just couldn't be more clueless! "DUDE..." One of them says, "Why did you leave that total HOTTIE on the dance floor??? We were trying to back off so you could get some 'play' going!"
You ask, "Play going? What do you mean?"
And they say,"That cutie! He was TOTALLY digging you, dude! GO for it! What are you doing over here with US???" You see another friend bring some more shots over to the table, and just as you reach for one, one of your friends stops you.
"Unh-unh! Fuck that! No more drinks! You stay sober and go holler at that fine piece of ass before you leave here tonight! Don't be a fucking lame!" He does the shot for you, as well as his own, and you see his eyes nearly roll back in his head as he tries to save you from any further intoxication. You laugh a bit to yourself, but despite a few giggles around the table, they are dead serious about you going back out there and having the kind of fun you promised them you WOULD have tonight!
"Well...wait, I've gotta go to the bathroom first." You tell them, and they make you promise to go find your dance floor prince as SOON as you come back. A promise that you agree to without hesitation. So you go from the dark party atmosphere of the club to the glaring white tile and harsh coldness of the bathroom. You step up to a urinal, and feel the almost painful pressure drop down to the tip of your shaft as you unzip and let the relieving stream of fluid escape. It's almost enough to make you shiver, and you enjoy the release along with five or six other club boys around you. You shake it off, and stick it back in your pants as you go to the sink and wash up. You feel the warm water run over your hands, and again take notice of the big marker drawn 'C', as it begins to fade with your washing. You look at it with a shake of your head, and wonder...'what if'. What if you dove into this whole 'gay bar' thing head first, went back out there, and gave this life a real shot? What if, you know? And it's at that moment that you look up in the mirror and see the cutie boy you were just dancing with come in behind you. Your eyes connect in the bathroom mirror briefly, a nervousness creeping into your chest as you hold the contact for a bit longer than you usually would, and then you quickly dry your hands and leave. No need to be TOO obvious, right? Besides...this is a bit heavy for your first time....'out there' like this.
You walk back outside, and wonder if maybe you were giving him the vibe that you were...'uninterested' by the actions you've been taking. Echoes of your friends' voices echo in your mind, asking you what the hell you're doing, leaving a cutie like that by himself when he is blatantly giving you the green light to approach him. That's not what tonight was supposed to be about. That's not what the mark on your hand is supposed to be about either. You take a chance...and you have some fun. So instead of walking back to the table where your friends are waiting for you...you wait outside the bathroom. You feel a slight shiver run through you as you realize that you are actually taking an active role in this situation. This isn't just some accidental meeting in the street, or some romantic bit of cosmic luck that had you bump into each other randomly at school. This was a deliberate approach of a potential suitor. And something about that both frightened and excited you simultaneously.
Finally, he emerged from the bathroom, and saw you waiting there for you. He's surprised, but covers it quickly with the sexiest smile he can create on such short notice. "Hi..." He says.
"What's your name?" You ask, hardly believing that you're doing this, but enjoying the exhilarating rush that the risk of being rejected in public is giving you.
"It's Jody." He answers. "What's yours?" You tell him your name, and he smiles. "Sweet. That's cute. I like it."
You can literally feel your body heat rising, the blood being transferred from everywhere else to your face as you blush deeply in front of him. He seems to be only more attracted to your modesty and smiles warmly as he touches your hand. "Do you wanna dance some more? I was kinda having fun with you out there." He says, and you bite your bottom lip bashfully before agreeing to join him. He gently guides you back to the dance floor, and you glance briefly over at your friends at the table you were SUPPOSED to be returning to. There's a drink waiting for you on that table, but they decide to drink it for you. Instead, it's all thumbs up and encouraging smiles as they see you being escorted back to the party by one of the cutest boys in the room.
The awkwardness of it fades quick, and your only focus is the music and the sweet sky blue stare of your partner. There aren't any real barriers set up this time, and you begin to invade each other's personal space without hesitation. It becomes comfortable to be seen with him as the music pounds the walls and floor around you. And having his hands on you, your hands on him...begins to feel more natural than anything you've ever known before. This is a LONG way from the typical high school dance, with whatever girl you tried to force yourself to like back when you were still...'confused'. Hehehe, confused....wow. That seems like an ICE AGE ago right now.
Time passes. Ten minutes. Fifteen. Twenty. And during that time, there is nothing but you and the spunky gyrations of the boy in front of you. There were actually moments where you completely forgot that you were even there with any body else. And when the guy in front of you gets tired, he leans forward to say in your ear, "I am totally wiped out. I'm gonna get a drink. You want something?"
It makes you smile, just having his lips that close to your ear, and you nod. But instead of 'sending' him for something, you agree to go with him Club etiquette, rule 14...ALWAYS go to the bar with someone when they're buying you a drink. It's just good manners.
You go to the bar and wait for the busy bartender to notice your newfound..'friend' as he stands there with money in his hand as bartender 'bait' He turns to you and says, "I don't think I've ever seen you here before I've only been a couple times myself, but I think I would remember your face."
You're flattered by the comment, but try not to let it show. "Oh, yeah...well, this is really my first time in a place like this."
"Like this?" He asks.
You stop for a second wondering if you've offended him, but tell the truth. "Um...yeah. Like....a bar for guys who like....um...guys."
He giggles playfully to himself. "Oh wow...you're just fresh out of the closet, aren't you?" You can't help but blush. "Let me guess....hmmmm...I'd say about six months, right?"
"Hardly three, actually...." You confess, and he raises his eyebrows.
"And you let your friends take you to a gay bar? Hehehe, wow! I was out for over a year and a half before I even considered it!" He says.
"Yeah well...it's good to know that I'm slightly ahead of the curve." You tell him.
"WAY ahead of the curve, actually! If it were me, I would have chickened out in the hall mirror before I even left the house!"
There's something in his honest admission that relaxes you. It finally keeps you from feeling like such a complete outsider in all this. You're on an even level with someone else, and it feels good. Everything ABOUT this random meeting feels good. You smile as he orders two drinks, one for him, and one for you...and he tips two bucks on each glass. He holds up his glass and says, "What should we toast to?"
You're a little shy about making a big deal of it, but tell him, "Well...it's my birthday tonight, if it matters. Wanna toast that?"
His grin gets bigger. "Wait...are you serious? It's your birthday? No WAY! Dude, you've gotta 'guzzle' this drink so I can buy you another one. Something more 'birthday appropriate'." There's a wicked grin on his face that resembles the one your friends had when they first picked you up tonight. What IS it about birthdays that makes people want to put such an intense hurting on your interior organs???
And from there, things get easier. You actually sit side by side with this cutie at the bar, and enjoy, what seems to be, a very effortless conversation. There's an unknown 'something' that immediately clicks between you two, and before you know it, it's been a half hour since you seen, or even thought about, the friends you came in with tonight.
You look back over your shoulder, and see them all having fun at the table you were all at before. They're getting trashed and laughing themselves silly, and Jody notices you looking. "Oh man, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to break up your birthday party." He says. "You should go. Have a good time. I don't mind."
But you look back at those pretty eyes of his, and smile. "Actually...I'm having a whole lot of fun right here..." Then adding, "...With you." The word, 'OMIGOD', flashes through your brain, and you have to ask yourself, was that FLIRTING? Are you FLIRTING now? You can hardly believe it yourself, but as you notice his eyes occasionally glancing down at the 'C' mark on your hand, you figure...why the fuck NOT? What have you got to lose, right? If he wasn't interested, things wouldn't have even gotten this far. So why not see just how 'playful' this game can get.
Jody's very gentle blush lets you know that your compliment was a direct hit, and left him reeling with just the right amount of impact. You take a moment to mentally pat yourself on the back for a well executed maneuver, and the bartender brings you guys two more drinks. You know that there's no way in HELL that you're sitting at the bar with this sexy club boy, and your friends wouldn't be watching you every single SECOND! You even catch them peeking at you guys from time to time, giving you the 'thumbs up' from across the room, and smiling to the point of laughter at seeing you take a chance and just go for it. There's small traces of embarrassment pulsing through you, but you don't really let it get to you. You're having more fun than you ever have before in your life, and the more you and Jody talk to one another, the more you find you have in common. You can't help but be enchanted by him.
"So...when you aid that you were 'kind of' out of the closet...how 'out' is that?" He ask you.
You think about a way to measure it, but can't really find anything to compare it to. Still, attempting to be as honest as possible, you tell him, "Well...all the people over at that table over there know. Obviously. And one other person. That's it."
"One other person?"
You frown slightly from the memory. "Yeah. A former best friend. From back home."
Jody nods knowingly. "Ahhh, I take it he didn't necessarily jump for joy at the idea of you being gay."
You tell him, "Oh, he jumped alright. He jumped on top of me and tried his best to beat me within an inch of my life." You never liked telling this story, as you can almost still feel the punches every time you think about it. You take a sip of your drink, hoping that a larger than usual gulp of the alcohol will help to suppress the memory a bit, and tuck it back in your subconscious 'trauma file' where it belongs.
Jody puts a hand on your shoulder, and with a look of concern, he clinks glasses with you. "I'm sorry, man. Been there, done that." You both take a sip, and he says, "My dad pretty much freaked when I told him. I had an older brother that stopped talking to me. A couple of friends that just decided one day that they couldn't 'handle' my sexuality. It wasn't easy."
You don't want to touch any nerves, and you certainly don't want this good time to turn into a conversation about pain, pity, and regrets most foul. But you feel the need to know something. "How did you get through it? I mean...how did you manage to deal with all that?"
Joy takes another sip of his drink, and smiles. "I didn't have to 'deal' with anything. I already KNEW who I was, and what I wanted. And I knew that it wasn't gonna change. So...basically, THEY were the ones who had to 'deal' with it, not me. I'm happy."
"Are you?" You ask.
"Certainly. You know....you never realize just how HARD you work, and how much energy you waste, trying to look straight...until you let it go. It's like Atlas taking the weight of the whole world off of his shoulders. Hehehe!"
"So...you just let it all go, huh?"
"Well...I mean, it takes time to get used to it all. You have to sort of rediscover yourself, piece by piece. Then you have to find a whole new lifestyle that matches the 'real you' instead of the 'you' that you built for the unknowing public around you. And THEN...you have to fight really hard to keep from wanting to go back to a time when things were...easy." He says with a sigh. "But...in the end...it's worth it. It's SO worth it. I don't feel like I have anything to apologize for. More importantly...I don't feel so alone. I'm in a club FULL of people who feel like I feel. Who have gone through the same struggles, and the same confusion...and they've all come out to get rid of the bullshit. And just be human. The best human they know how to be. I can honestly say that there are no outcasts in here...only family."
You meditate briefly on what Jody has just said to you, and you smile cheerfully as you take his wisdom to heart. "Brothers from a different mother."
"Hehehe, and they say the difficult journey towards joining the MARINES creates brotherhood?" You say, and get a laugh as Jody almost spits out some of his drink. He dribbles a bit, and you take the napkin from under your glass to wipe the droplets of liquid from his lips and chin. It was a harmless motion, but as your fingers touch his soft lips...you two share a small moment of tension through your grins.
There's a small silence.
The giggles die down pretty quickly.
And then, you take yet another chance. "You're not, like...drunk, are you?"
"Hehehe, no. Why? Do I look drunk?" Jody asks.
"No. Just...we've been drinking....so..." You allow your voice to trail off, and look away from him briefly. Should you do it? Are you gonna look like some kind of weird pervert if you say this?
"Are you drunk?" He asks, and you shake your head.
"I used to work at a bar for a short while. So my tolerance is pretty...um...unthinkable. Hehehe!" You both share a chuckle, but Jody's curiosity gets to him.
"Why did you ask?"
You hesitate by taking a long sip of your drink, telling yourself to just 'say' it already. After all, it's not really THAT big of a move, is it? You can always pretend like it was a joke if he reacts badly. "Well....I just wanted to know...that if I kiss you tonight...it won't be some drunken moment of weakness that you'll end up regretting later. That's...that's all." You smile, expertly putting the ball in his court.
The sexual tension rises, and he spins his straw around in his glass a few times with a shy smirk before saying, "Well...I'm not drunk right NOW. But who knows about later? I mean, if you wanted an honest reaction...or whatever..." He giggles a bit, and your eyes meet. "...Well, I just guess you'll have to do it quick before things get all 'intoxicated', won't you?"
Nice return. Your once playful eye contact has now turned to an infatuated stare. The smiles are fading, as the mask of a friendly meeting of minds swiftly transforms into something more intimate. He's waiting. You're waiting. And no matter who makes the first move...you both win. So you take the chance, and you let one foot drop from your bar seat to balance you on the floor as you lean towards this beautiful club boy, his blue eyes begging for your kiss. And soon, your lips are pressed together in a kiss that ignites all of your senses, and causes your heart to race beyond its limits. Never have you known something so real, so natural. And Jody's total acceptance of this connection only increases your confidence. Your lips move and slide with such passion, such perfection...your mental connection now being expressed physically as you both realize that this random crossing of paths has the potential to turn into so much more.
You wonder if you should just make this a sweet kiss, and stop while you're ahead. Thirty seconds is the rule, isn't it? Thirty seconds of kissing gets the message across without being too lustful or weird. But as a soft moan escape Jody's lips, you only thirst for him more. And your tongues connect as you stand up fully and move closer to him, your kiss getting deeper and deeper with every stifled breath. You are actually making out now! In a public place, no less! And all shame of it has melted away, leaving only the best kiss of your life and the feel of Jody's silk shirt under the sensitive touch of your fingertips.
After what seems like forever, your lips disconnect, and the rest of the world seems to come back into focus. Jody smiles, his already boyish good looks appearing even ten years younger through the shade of a pinkish colored blush. He licks his lips, and takes another sip from his straw as he tries not to smile. You follow suit, and the silence only lasts a short while before you start talking again. You may have just found something really special in this guy.
The next 45 minutes are a blur. Both you and Jody attempt to go back to a friendly conversation, but now that you've breached that fortress wall of just being 'friendly strangers' to one another...you can hardly get more than a few minutes of 'talking' out of the way before you're finding another reason to kiss. You hunger for more contact between his tongue and yours. It feels SOOOO unreal to you...dizzying in fact...but it's too good for you to let it go. And when Jody asks, "Listen...this might sound really forward, but...like...do you wanna get out of here? Maybe....go somewhere?" You are MORE than ready to accept.
You nod quickly, and take a hold of both sides of his cute face as you bring him close for another kiss. His lips are like candy to your senses, and you literally can't get enough. "Are you sure you don't mind?" You ask, just to make sure.
"Nope. I want to. Really." He says, almost with a whimper. "I've got my car outside."
"Ok. Yeah. Um...can you...can you hold on for just a second?" You tell him, and once he agrees, he walks over to wait by the door as you go to tell your friends that you're leaving.
The second you approach the table, they all burst out with applause for your little show at the bar, and tell you that there's NO explanation needed for you taking off! One of your friends tells you, "Damn! You lucky bitch! I never thought you'd learn THIS quick! GO! He's fucking HOT, dude!!! Go! GO!"
And the girls are almost in tears at this point, make up running while they try to hold it back. One of them hugs you around the neck, sniffling. "Omigod...I'm sooooo proud of you! You go, ok? Go be happy now, you deserve it." They almost act as though they're helping you load your last bit of baggage on the Titanic. But you're touched, nonetheless. And apologize for running out on your own birthday party. But nothing is gonna stop you from bailing on them now. You've got a very hot and bothered club boy waiting for you to please him. And you're hardly one to ever disappoint a pretty face!
You kiss in the parking lot.
You kiss in the car.
You kiss at every red light on the way over to his apartment building.
And the moment you enter the elevator, before the doors even close, you wrap your arms around one another and continue twisting your tongues up around each other until you reach the 7th floor. No one has ever felt so warm to you before. No need has ever been so strong. No embrace has ever been more welcome. And entire life of holding back and hiding out and playing it safe...has suddenly been tossed out the window. And you now find yourself walking with Jody from the open elevator to his apartment door down the hall. You can't keep your hands off of him. The smoothness of his silk shirt, mixed with the taught, slender muscle underneath, warmed with a gentle temperature of body heat, is driving you WILD! You realize that you are walking down a hallway where anyone at any moment could come out of their apartment and see you with the hardest erection that you've ever had in your natural LIFE poking this pretty boy in the back...but it hardly registers as a point of concern. Your only focus is the fumbling of his anxious hands as he tries to open the door.
You reach around him, to run your hand under his shirt, and feel the pleasant texture of abdominal ripples underneath. Just enough to be strong, but not bulky. And with a surge of pure adrenaline, you slide your hand down lower to take hold of a much harder muscle at the joining point of his legs. It throbs under your touch, and he moans slightly as he pushes his tight round ass back against you. The effect is mind-blowing, and you attempt to check your surroundings to make sure that you're not just DREAMING all of this!
Jody opens the door, and frantically pulls you inside. This is no dream. No late night fantasy. No overly detailed vision in your ritual masturbation. This is all actually happening for REAL! And you take a short moment to absorb it all as your rapidly spinning senses nearly cause you to fall over from an overload of experience. That stranger in your mirror is a long forgotten memory, and a new identity emerges as you stop trying to 'control' everything and simply ride the wave of what is happening here.
You can only take in the faintest of details when it comes to his apartment. You notice a framed 'Reservoir Dogs' poster on the wall, an old couch in the corner that looked like it was bought more for its amazing level of comfort than for 'design'...and a few magazines and papers on the floor. Not too messy, not to clean. It carries with it a sense of 'reality' that comforts you. But by the time you really take notice of that feeling, Jody is wrapping his arms around your neck again, allowing your tongues to reconnect in the most carnal way as he leads you back to his bedroom.
There is a brief moment of hesitation on your part. One where you imagine yourself as the 'before' picture on an AIDS poster, only to stand next to a much more horrific picture of you...'after'. You are suddenly overwhelmed with prerehearsed, previously brainwashed, slogans about safe sex and being careful of who you come home with. And your senses struggle with morality as the very taste of his succulent tongue in your mouth tries to draw you away from the conflict. The feel of his slim body against yours is beyond description. And when your hands touch the constricted globes of his firm, tight, ass...you both whimper your way into an even hungrier kiss.
You hope you're doing the right thing. You hope that this isn't just a one night hook up. You hope that your self control will somehow weave its way back into your current state of mind. But his body is all you ever dreamed of. His kiss is all you've ever prayed for. And when he lays back on the bed, pulling you passionately on top of him...you give in to reckless abandon, and your thoughts give way to instinct as gravity pulls you even further into his lustful gyrations.
This goes on for longer than you're willing to focus on. And then clothes articles begin to slowly disappear from the equation. His body, his length, his taste, his scent....sighhhh....all part of a mouthwatering buffet for the senses. The feel of his fresh skin against yours, naked and unashamed, is enough to give you goose bumps...a texture he can taste as he licks your chest. You never knew that this could feel so good. If you had only a hint of how awesome this would feel, you would have come out of the closet at age 11 and would have been pouncing on cute boys ever since. The strain of your unexpected sexual muscles are in direct opposition of the relaxation, and ultimate release, of soooo much sexual frustration. You can't hear anything but the gentle smacking of lips as their suction depart from the surface of your first lover's skin. And as you writhe and intertwine intimately on his mattress, your body welcomes a sudden break in the sensual stimulation.
"Um..." Jody starts, and his eyes look into yours with a brief moment of embarrassment. Then...he reaches over to his dresser by the bed, and opens the drawer. You get curious as he fishes his hand around inside for a moment, and soon produces a small silver chrome packet from inside. A very tender blush rises in his cheeks as he looks back into your eyes. "...I'm sorry. Don't be offended or anything...I just..."
But you stop his sentence with a deep kiss and smile. You tell him, "No..it's cool. I was thinking the exact same thing." You're relieved to be taking a much needed precaution, JUST in case. And you bite down, ripping the package to bring the fresh condom out into the open. He reaches in for another one, and you both take the awkward moment to figure out which end is which, and roll it slowly down over the tip. Just the way your Health teacher taught you in high school. And with you both protected, tension relieved, your mouths connect with an even hungrier passion than before. Your hips grind powerfully into one another, and as you position yourself on top, you feel his slender legs wrap around your waist, locking at the ankles behind you as you push into hi with passionate circles. Rolling hips, soft moans, and an unrestricted mating between the lips. How you held out this long is a mystery to you. But you want this to go on forever.
There is a moment of confusion as you feel Jody's lips slide away from yours. His position on the bed changes, and you're not quite sure what is happening, but your hands stay connected to the warmth and softness of his flesh the entire time. You begin to figure things out as his kisses travel down to your belly button, and his legs move up closer to your head. Your sexed up body falls instinctively into place, and you prepare yourself as Jody lifts one of his sexy legs over your head...ony to put it down on the other side, his knees straddling both sides of your face. His hardness is pulsing above you, and his fragrance is pure sex. Your hands lightly take hold of the back of his thighs and you feel his stomach rest comfortably against yours as he slowly takes your inches into his mouth. You gasp...the warmth and slippery sensation of having his wetness engulf you, even through the thin material of a condom, is almost enough to make you slide right off of the bed. And the motion causes his already sexually sculpted ass to stick out even further, exposing his tight bud to the air...and you crane your neck up slightly, using a hand to guide his hardness into your mouth as well.
The circle is complete, and you both begin to suck, lick, tease, and stroke each other, until you can no longer remain still. His balls rest on your upper lip, the silken hairs almost tickling your face. The warmth of his inner thighs comfortably heat your cheeks as your hands rub and squeeze the globes of his perfect ass. And as your legs are raised, you feel his finger tease and rub the most private part of you in small...passionate circles.
You have no defense against the oncoming orgasm. There are no thoughts of baseball, no ice cold showers. It is coming quickly, and you have no choice but to ride it out, and suck your partner twice as hard in hopes of having him join you in your unavoidable moment of bliss. Your body begins to wiggle and stretch, your toe curling as you feel his finger sink ever so slightly into your tunnel...just one knuckle deep.
You whimper softly, feeling the beating of his excited heart against the surface of your tongue. Your lips grip him tenderly, your nose inhaling his sex with every breath. And just seconds before you reach the point of no return...you feel his shaft expand...and the thumping pulses of orgasm as he pushes his hips forward and slides almost all the way into your throat. The bursts of hot liquid fill the condom, and you can feel the heated change in temperature as the small space at the tip gets filled to the brim with release. It is too much for you to bear, and your hips rise from the mattress as your climax reaches the very TOP of your shaft, but hesitates for a few seconds of almost 'painful' anticipation before firing off a torrential FLOOD of seed that not only fills the condom, but begins to run back down the base of your shaft, creating a squishing sound as Jody continues to suck you off until the tremors stop. It is a moment of true euphoria. A moment...that God intended.
You both become sensitive, but continue to tease and taunt your sensitive areas for a few moments more before returning to the intense kissing you had just participated in before. And when a matter of catching your breath becomes more of a necessity than an obstacle...youare both left to softly cuddle one another in the sheets, your bodies slowly coming down from a physical high...while the mental and spiritual connection lingers for much longer. It wasn't what you expected, but then again, what did you have to go by? It is more amazing. More interactive. More personal than you ever thought it could be. All of those one sided fantasies of getting some cute boy from school to please you in any and every way that you ever wanted...it was nothing in comparison to an actual co-op with another living, breathing, person. It is...the most emotionally satisfying activity in existence. And you can't wait to share more of this feeling with the sweetheart laying beside you.
Time passes. It always does. And eventually the sex melts away, leaving you two to conversate with one another. And at one point, while using your hand to caress the tender skin of his stomach, you see traces of the same 'C' mark lingering. Holding on defiantly to the sheen of perspiration that you've acquired during your recent interlude. And you can't help but smile to yourself.
"What?" Jody asks, a cute smile of his own brightening up his already enchanting eyes.
"Nothing..." You tell him. "It's just...my mark...I still can't believe that it actually worked."
Jody looks at you with a bit of confusion. "Worked? How do you mean?"
"You know..." You say. But he evidently doesn't know. "The website? Wearing the 'C' symbol? I mean...if you hadn't noticed it and started dancing with me, I never would have had the guts to approach you."
Jody says, "I didn't even notice it until later, to tell you the truth. I was gonna ask you about that, but figured that it didn't matter."
You give him another look, and see that he's dead serious. "You mean...you..talking to me tonight...the dancing, and the drinks, and...'this'...it had nothing to do with the fact that I was wearing this 'C' mark at the club?"
"Hehehe, of course not." He tells you as his leg creeps up to further tangle himself in yours. "I talked to you because...well, you were cute. And you were having fun. You were confident, and flirtatious, and just...I don't know...it turned me on to see somebody who wasn't afraid to just...let go, you know?"
It strikes you that...despite the offered help of a website and a visible mark on your hand...it was YOU that had been guiding yourself towards this achievement all along. Somehow, you emotionally 'tricked' yourself into elevating your actions above that fear, and that doubt, and that bashful weirdness that you were so used to...and really achieved something grand tonight. Something you could have had all along...if only you had deceived yourself sooner.
"So...you don't know ANYTHING about this symbol or the online community it's connected to?" You ask, and Jody shakes his head.
"Why?" He asks innocently.
You kiss his lips for a moment, and then spot a computer sitting on a desk in the corner of his bedroom. And you tell him...
"Dude....have I got a surprise for YOU! I know a website that you've just GOTTA see!"