Date: Mon, 11 Dec 2000 18:49:57 EST
From: trekryder@hotmail.com
Subject: "OPTIMISTIC"  Part 1 (revised)

Disclaimer: This is a story involving mostly non-fiction content in fiction
setting with homosexual behavior.  Absolutely noone under the age of 18 is
allowed to read it, that is, if you let others in higher office run your
life.  We are after all free thinkers, correct?

This is a release for me and has helped me in many ways.  It has helped me
to regain my radical behavior that "Tobey" has while maintaining the
coolness of "Kieran."  Don't know who these two are, then you must read on!
Enjoy this part 1 of a three part series.  It is definitely one of the
lengthier stories on Nifty, but is well worth the time. I hope you, the
reader, enjoys it.

A great special thanks to the authors of Changing Tom's underwear and Along
Among Friends who have both provided me with the fury I needed in writing
this.  I also thank Nifty.org for their dedication as I know we all have it
bookmarked.

E-mails are appreciated at trekryder@hotmail.com Write optimistic in the
subject header :) brent


			       "OPTIMISTIC"

	Okay, so I was on a mission: Destination, "Mr. Right."  To take
things a bit further, I had already formed an image as to what he would
look like, personality included.  At this point, maybe I am being a bit
selfish, but look at what he wouild be getting in return.  Ok, so now you
may be thinking that I am an arrogant prick or that I may actually be a
decent guy that may have something to offer, not your typical AOLer.  I am
a bit over 6'1" and weigh in about 170 lbs.; I have short black hair, brown
eyes and high cheekbones.  As far as being white or black, I am neither; a
carmel complexion describes me best.  I have been blessed to have a smooth
and slender build, which I believe I get from my grandfather, pretty bad
considering he has more hair growing in his ears than on both legs.  I
occasionally run, but don't have to lift weights to maintain definition.  I
guess if you were to compare me to a muscle bound gym rat then I would look
skinny, perhaps that is why I don't have a health club membership.  My gym
is the pavement I would say.  And if you are on a budget than that fits in
nicely.  For the last week I have been trying to grow a goatee (I had seen
it on a guy I passed by up in Canada which made him look really good and
really sophisticated), but all I have to show is a "drunk on Yoo-Hoo"
moustache.  I'll probably bic it a bit later since it did not have the
desired effect.
	I know that I am breaking every social rule when I say that I am
searching for a "Mr. Right," my "Mr. Right."  They say that you should
"just let it happen and not to force things," but screw that, they're not
an 18 year old virgin!  So now that the back door has hit patience in the
ass, I can look for a "significant other" as the politicians would say, or
more in my terms just a boyfriend.
	I am sort of worried as to how things will go when I leave for
college on the 18th of this month.  Ever hear the expression, "Beware of
the quiet ones for they are the most deviant."  Well, Duh!!  It is from
years of repression, sexual repression in my case.  I mean, I have done the
girlfriend thing.  That was pretty damn miserable, but I had to show off
someone to my family in friends.  As far as meeting guys, well I am not
just yet about to walk into a gay club and start showing my goods.  I have
met guys on AOL (come on who the hell hasn't...it's that whole anonymity
thing that makes it so appealing), but the strange thing was is that they
did not look like their picture or even do the things that they said they
liked to do.  I recall sex, being major parts of the conversation, but that
was not my thing.  So I would leave disappointed and stay out of the chat
rooms for a while.  I do recall this one guy I met who was staying on
campus at the local university.  We had a great conversation and all, so
when I got there u can imagine my disappointment when he said that his
boyfriend was in the room and if we could blow each other in my car, mind
you it was not even my car.  I have wised up since then and got angry
because that is what most people think gay guys do.  That statement
bothered me as I promised myself to not become like that guy.  The other
few guys I had met were a wash, but there was this one older guy whom I
will tell you more about.  I imagine that you will guess who he is a bit
later.
	Now going back to me leaving college.  My pops was not at all
thrilled that I was going to college; he wanted me to go into the military.
I'd say under my breath, "Do you know what they do to guys like me in the
military?"  He'd constantly tell me "boy, your soft just like your mutha."
Most times I did not bother to say anything back, that way he would just
finish up ridiculing me and move on.  My older, mean son of a bitch brother
could do no wrong.  That sadistic fuck and my dad got along great.  I mean,
I could not believe that I was related to someone who at recess would
literally go and play hockey, taking slapshots with the head from a cat's
carcass.  Just as different as my brother was from me, so was my mom from
my dad.  My mom would always take the backseat in anything and everything.
She was so small next to him, as most times you did not notice she was
there.  It would hurt me when I would see her late at night in the kitchen,
with a certain face on.  You know, the one you do when you wish for
something better.  My dad treated her and I as if he was the master drill
sergeant and we were the inept pawns.  Oh, I forgot to mention that when my
brother having failed to get into all branches of the military because of,
you guessed it, the psychological, my dad got him a job at the concrete
plant.  The last really huge public embarrassment that my dad made was at
last year's soccer tournament.  That week was especially tough for me
because of exams and daily practices that always went longer than the
posted time.  My coach had recognized that I was dragging and he signaled
me to come out of the game.  I was really glad for two reasons, the first
was because I really was pretty damn tired and the second reason was I had
my head more focused on the guy keeping score for the other team then on
the game being played.  I mean he had this blond hair that seemed to fall
onto his forehead with a tight shave on the sides.  I could see his
mesmerizing blue eyes cross-field, as they would often hypnotize me during
penalty kicks.  The thing I noticed most about him was that he was always
laughing and touching the girl beside him.  It didn't seem like a
girlfriend of his, rather just a good close friend.  I doubt that he could
have kept much accuracy on the books.  It was chilly that day and he had on
the turtleneck that he would pull up over his head and scare the kids at
the game.  I was captivated to say the least.  However, being as tired as I
was, I had imagined myself switching places with that girl.  How great
would it be to sit with someone that could make you smile so much until
that your face muscles cramped as if you had overdosed on a mouthful of
sour candy.
	My attention was rapidly redirected from that beautiful guy that
had me mesmerized to my archaic looking dad.  I saw my dad up and yelling
from the bleachers. I heard him saying things like, "What are you teaching
wusses out there?" and even calling my coach a "dumb asshole!"  My mom
tried to pull on his shirt downward, but he just shrugged her off.  My
coach handled the situation really well though.  He had said that they
should talk after the game and swap some ideas, total bullshit I know but
he was a smooth talker.  My coach had toned down my dad with his last
statement.  Walking over towards the end of the bench I did not care that
people were mumbling about my dad's behavior, I figured that he was just
making himself look like a dick.  My mom though, she was the one I felt
sorry for.  I whispered "Thanks," to my coach in his ear.  He responded
with the "ole' pat on the ass routine."  Now, I am not saying that I
overanalyze things, but he only slapped a few of us on the ass that way.
After playing under his supervision for the past four years I have learned
of his different degrees of "congratulatory pats."  It goes like this: if
he was not thrilled about you he would simply say "Good job," or some other
overused generic statement.  If he did like you then you would get a pat on
the back from him.  Ass pats were only reserved for those he had really
liked, such was the case with me.  I also noticed that the players that he
slapped on the ass were the better looking of the bunch.  There was another
teammate and friend of mine named, Quan.  Quan, not only received the
patented pat on the ass but a follow up messing of the hair "congratulatory
gesture."  I must admit now, that I became really jealous over that until
shortly after, coach had treated me with the same two gestures.  Before you
all start thinking how perverted it is for a coach to do these gestures,
relax!  First off, he absolutely hated me calling him coach, as was the
same case for a half dozen others on the team.  He allowed us to call him
by his first name, Ryan.  As for the rest of the team, they had to call him
"Coach Davidson."  Ryan had graduated from a nearby exclusive and private
college.  He had gotten the gig as coach or "Director of Athletics," he
would jokingly say once the previous guy retired.  I figured he got it
because of him being the local, hometown hero of sports.  Riding on his
coattails the town was recognized by sports sections throughout the state.
None of these things I really cared about, for me, it was the way he
looked.  In a few words, "Damn good looking!"  Though, I towered over him
by a few inches, he had the most gorgeous build as if his real job were to
grace the cover of a men's health magazine.  He had this distinct v-shaped
pectoral structure that increased my blood flow to the most conspicuous
place possible.  Thank God for cups!  When it was not too cold out we would
play in shirts and skins.  "Cheap budget," he would say with a smirk.  I
was so used to have him picking Quan and myself to be on his team, there
was the treat.  Ryan's eyes were a swirling mix of the deepest browns the
autumn could muster.  When he gazed at me, I felt prey to his stare.  His
hair was shoulder length tucked behind his ears.  I would suspect that when
you are with him in the throws of passion that holding onto the bedpost
would be unnecessary.  His long hair would probably prove to be of better
support.
	I was delighted when one day, Ryan, had approached me and handed me
a letter.  He said, "Here, this should increase your chances."
 	"Huh," I responded sheepishly, "What's this for?"
 	"It's for college admissions genius, Go home and read the duplicate
and mail in the sealed envelope," he said. "A recommendation from an alumni
will go a long way."  "Man," Ryan continued to say, "Those professors will
have a lot of work to do on you."
 	Ok, so in retrospect, it would have been great if he had said "I"
instead of "Professors."  However, that sort of wishful thinking will just
make me cream my pants.  He did however, stare at me for what seemed like
eternity, messed up my hair and walked away.  I don't know why, but it just
came out, "What no pat?"  Realizing what I had said, I had become really
embarrassed and blushed.  The blushing just made me look more native, but
the embarrassment would last longer.  I had seen Quan looking over with a
smirk on his mug.  Nah I thought to myself, not Quan, he has been steady
with some girl from his country for like an eternity.
	Well, I believe that it was that letter that had gotten me into the
nearby private college.  The same college Ryan had gone to.  Though, it was
a really small institution, it was situated on the most beautiful area of
the state.  My mom encouraged me to go because the college had given me a
really good financial aid package, also it being so close to home made her
feel more comfortable.  However, leave it to my dad to say a harsh
statement like, "You're not high class, you'll never fit in!"  Of course,
my rat of a brother would agree loudly.  A part of me felt that they were
right and that I could end up working in the concrete factory outside of
town and be like the other men who have abandoned all types of aspirations.
The men who walked everyday of their lives hunched.  You could see the
aching in their eyes and their hands as pale and hard as the concrete they
molded.  The thought of waking, working and living in a cold, sterile
concrete plant sixty plus hours a week made me cringe.
	The summer after graduation was pretty uneventful.  I had kept a
low profile by working a new job in the state's park department.  I guess
all the knowledge that I had picked up about the nearby mountain range had
finally paid off, to the tune of ten bucks an hour.  Not too bad when all
you have to do is make certain that hikers stay on the trail so as to not
deviate and get lost.  It sure did beat some of the jobs some of my friends
worked. For instance, I have a friend named Chad, who for seven dollars an
hour had to dress up as a chicken and attract travelers to blow off a few
bucks at the "Fried Chicken Depot."  That was pretty bad I had thought.  My
friend, Aimee, would busy herself making ice cream cones and sundaes for
bratty kids forty hours a week.  Quan, well he really didn't have much of a
choice.  His parents ran a flower shop and one of those print/copy/fax type
places, which also sells paper stationary.  I knew that would tie him up
for much of the summer.  Often times, when my shift ended, I would ride my
bike over and give him and his family a helping hand.  His mom, who was a
great cook, would ask me to stay for dinner in return.  Quan would then ask
if I was able to spend the night over.  The latter part was all the payment
I needed.  Late at night, he and I would sneak out of his parent's house
and hike it up to a lake that was only about a mile up on a windy road.  We
always had to pack a flashlight because you were barely able to see your
hand in front of your face let alone the road beneath you.  Once up by the
lake, you would hear the most beautiful and distinct nighttime sounds of
insects, local animals and the rustling of the wind.  I know they sell
these sounds on CD's but you can't beat listening to the real thing.  He
and I would have the best conversations, we would talk about people from
school, who's dating who, the future, and I would occasionally ask about
his girlfriend.  We rarely spoke about sports or upcoming games since that
is all that we discussed at school with friends.  I was never completely
honest when he would ask me things; obviously I was really ashamed about
him knowing about me.  There was this one night in particular.  It was very
humid that summer night and the ground was moist, I had persuaded Quan to
go in the lake with me for some relief.  The time that would pass during
the upcoming events seemed to come to a standstill.  I had taken my shirt
off as Quan was trying to take his shirt off.  He was taking it off slowly
with his face wincing in pain.  I asked what happened and if something was
wrong.  He said that it was nothing.  I knew that was complete bullshit
because when I looked towards his back it was all bruised and swollen.  I
tried to pry further to ask what happened, but he did not want to talk
about it.  I focused on him and could not figure out what may have caused
that bruise on his back.  He asked me to walk him to the water, which I
did, and we both went in slowly.  He was pretty much quiet the whole time.
I stayed near him in case anything happened.  He then started to talk
weird; I had never seen him like that.  He was saying things like how life
could be so unfair and why are people so hateful.  I tried to understand
what he meant, but didn't put two and two together.  He began crying and
all I could have done was to wrap my arms around him and hold him.  Every
tiny hair on my body contracted as I felt his sobs and his clutching.  His
pain led to me tearing and all of a sudden I did not feel so helpless.  I
have never talked to him about that night, even the next morning I
pretended as if the previous night had never occurred.  I did not want to
confront him because it obviously bothered him deeply so I just left it
alone.
	I awoke early on the 17th, "The eve of moving day," I muttered to
myself.  I had a few things to buy at the mall and Quan was coming to pick
me up so that we could get some shopping done.  I promised myself that I
would roll out of bed as soon as Radiohead's, "Optimistic," was over.  In
the meantime, between the song and the humming of the air conditioner I
began to think.  Dangerous I know, but Quan was on my mind and that was
nothing unusual.  He and I are very much alike in many ways.  He was my
best friend, but I loved him.  I have loved him for as long as I can
remember.  I don't know why but it always saddened me when I thought about
it.  It was probably because I knew that I would never have a chance to be
with him, but I never much cared thinking about it that way anyway.  He and
I go back to the early years of elementary school.  I smiled as I
remembered how we met.  I was caught by the teacher making fun of the "new
student" with the "sleepy eyes."  I even imitated sleepwalking and said
things like, "Fried rice" around the whole classroom.  My teacher thought
she was sly in punishing me.  She had assigned me as his "play buddy" for
the remainder of that week.  The truth is that we got on great, so much so
that I had neglected my other friends.  Since then, I have stayed at his
house, worked at his family's two stores, been a best friend and played
side by side in soccer and in baseball.  However, as close as we were there
was an overwhelmingly large part of my life that I had kept private from
him.  I kept private a part of my identity that not even he knew of.  As we
grew up together, I noticed myself becoming increasingly attracted to him.
As far as guys in my life, there were only two: Quan and Ryan.  Oh yeah,
there is one more, but once the ship and he went under the water
permanently in the movie I imagine so did my chances.  The other guys at
school and on the team were just too damn jocular and arrogant for me.  I
didn't even understand where their arrogance stemmed from they either
sucked in sports or in academics.  For Quan, ironically, it was his eyes
that were my favorite part of his anatomy.  They are almond-shaped and have
a natural brown luster.  His hair is beautiful it is straight and jet black
in color that he pulls to the back.  He gels it up so it stays in place
unless he is running which then it dances on his forehead.  He's shorter
than me, around 5'9" I'd say and he must weight about 150 lbs.  His skin
has a light beige and creamy tone that if you see him in certain lights,
looks as if he glows.  He has sideburns that he keeps maintained in the
regular season.  He says he looks more intimidating with them, which I
agree, he does!  His legs look powerful, sharply chiseled from years of
ball playing.  His laugh and his voice are light and fluid, but
penetrating.  He speaks with a soft dialect so I enjoy listening to him.
His smile radiates the whole room and is contagious.  I detected movement,
lots of movement as I zoned in under my sheets.  I then heard car tires
screaming and a car's horn bellowing as my attention was redirected.  I
grabbed my pajama pants slid them on with my erection coming out of the
slit.  This I did not realize until later.  The car seemed like it stopped
dead in my driveway.  I parted my curtains and peered outside the window in
the direction of the driveway.  Between the leaves of the giant oak, I saw
Quan coming out of a brand new convertible sports coupe.  "What the..." I
wondered, who's car was that I thought.  I pulled up the window and as Quan
was about to pound on the door I yelled for him to walk in.  I raced into
the bathroom, brushed my teeth and ran some water through my hair.  I slid
down the banister and greeted Quan.
	"Wow, impressive package...and it got past security," Quan jokingly
said.
	"Huh," I retorted, "Oh shit, sorry man" I said in disbelief as I
tucked my better half back inside the pajamas.
 	"You know, come to think of it Kieran I've never seen you full on
naked" he said.
	I let lose a smile in his direction.  "What's up with the car," I
asked.
	"It's a small advanced token of my parents appreciation in my
decision of staying closer to home.  You know, so I can help with the
family businesses and all," he said.
	"Wow, it looks so beautiful in my driveway, now when a beautiful
girl is with you in the car, I can say she's with you for the car," I
teasingly said.  "Sorry man, but I figured you should hear that from your
best friend and not from a group of strangers," I said.  "So it runs good?"
I asked.
 	"Yeah man, runs great!  Now let's get that bad ass on the road" he
said exuberantly.  "I mean Kieran, you can go in there bare-chested and all
and I wouldn't mind but I doubt mall security will be ok with that," Quan
said.
	"True that," I responded.  "Just give me a few minutes to change,
cool?"  I said.
	"Good with me, hey you mind if I brew some coffee," Quan asked, "I
had a late night."
	"Ha, phone sex with your girlfriend too much for you," I shot back.
 	"Kieran, my good friend, you wish you had a love life like I have,"
Quan responded.
 	"Oh ok, so you mean that I too can have a pay as you go
relationship with your girl too huh," I jokingly said.
 	"That's it," Quan screamed as he lurched towards me, "I'm gonna
make you pay for that one!"
	"Oh shit," I responded as I tried to twist away, but Quan grappled
me in a way in which he was able to elevate me and push me into the couch.
"Okay, okay" I replied laughingly.  I knew I had to give up quickly or else
he would have been introduced again to an unexpected tent I was about to
pitch.
	"Ha ha, damn it man you give up way too easily you could have
probably kicked my ass" Quan grunted.  He still was not letting go of me.
He had his shoulder blade in my abdomen with his head forcibly placed on my
right leg.  He was kneeling down and I felt the warmth of his activity.
His arms were tightly wrapped in a locked position that made me sigh.  It
would have been nice, I thought, if it had been an intentional intimate hug
but that was just some wishful thinking on my part.  "What's wrong, why did
you sigh," he asked.
 	"Just forget about it," I said smiling painfully.  "Let me just get
some clothes on and hide the red marks on my chest so people don't think
that my boyfriend is beating me up," I said.  Oh fuck, not again I thought,
another slip of the tongue!  I felt the temperature of my body increase and
my hands became clammy.  I didn't want to turn around to see Quan's
expression.  I just wanted to walk away pretending like I never said that.
 	"Ya know Kieran, you should let them think what they wanna think,"
Quan replied.  I abruptly turned around, speechless and stared at him.  He
stared at me; we were both focused on each other.  I froze, I felt his
stare reading my mind and trying to make sense of what I was thinking.
There was no making sense of what was on my mind, I felt all screwed up at
the moment.  I had a million thought processes racing around in my already
crowded mind.  To him, I must have looked like a deer in headlights, scared
and helpless.  His stare though, kept disrobing me.  "I know you," he said
with a blanked expression.  Chills were sent shooting down my body.  I
wanted to shrug it off and pretend that I didn't know what he was referring
to.  I wanted to tuck my tail and cower under my bed.  I had felt severely
exposed and open for attack.
	I bit my lip; tears had already welled in my eyes.  I picked my
head up and said, "It hurts so bad, every damn day."  With saying that, I
fell to the floor and began sobbing incoherently.  I felt that I had given
up, TKO'd in round one with no round two in sight.
	"Besides," I said, "What the fuck do you know.  You live in this
perfect world man, you got a great family, you're going to a great school,
you're smart, you're good looking and you got a girlfriend that you will
probably marry," I shouted.  I was enraged; the hairs on the back of my
neck were upright.  I had to be on the attack so I would not feel so
vulnerable.  "But, Kieran," Quan tried to say..."No," I shouted, "You don't
do this to me.  I have trusted you with everything and I have loved you
with all my heart damn it!"  I felt so unclothed, so naked and so
unprotected.  I continued to cry profusely; again I shrank to a fetal like
position and just covered my face.  How dare he make me feel so ashamed. I
could feel Quan simply standing there saying nothing.  Maybe he was
thinking of what sort of comforting words he could say to me or maybe a
loud "Fuck you, faggot" was on the verge of coming out of his mouth.
	I heard him walking towards me; I stood up in a cocked position.
Our eyes met.  As he kept walking towards me I abruptly pushed him away.
He locked onto my arms and would not budge.  I was too weak at this point
to push him away.  He had his way, he leaned into me and wrapped his arms
around my side and put his red hat reversed on my head.  He didn't say a
word as he brought me over back to the couch.  He kept his arm wrapped
around me and gently sat me down on the couch.  My head was still buried in
my chest.  I was sort of unconscious as to what was actually going on
around me.  I do know that I felt an incredible relief, a period of freedom
so to speak.  My shoulders suddenly felt lighter.  Quan reached up, his
forefinger resting on my lips, he drew his forefinger under my chin to lift
me towards his face.  I couldn't look at him so I gazed down at the floor
in a stupor.  His other hand went from my side and he clasped my hand.
Heat penetrated my body and rapidly penetrated into my blood.  The heat
went to my brain and I was able to lift my eyes to him.  The previous
moments in which I had felt so much anger dissipated.  I didn't know if I
should wet my lips or wait for him to speak.
	"You're tearing," I said, "Why?"
 	"Because," Quan reasoned, "I have for the longest time fantasized
that you may or might like me, in a way more than a best friend would ya
know," he said.  "And now, the last time that you and I will be together,
you tell me this."  His tears were now a full on waterfall, but he seemed
joyful.  I looked and listened but I had to wipe my eyes and clear my ears
to look and listen again.  My heart sank as I zoned in his face.  He looked
so beautiful; a handful of hair strands had fallen over his eye and was
barely touching the corner of his lips.  I raised my hand to wipe his
tears, "No," he said, "You need to see me like this."
	"And I need to do this," I said to him.  I brought him closer to
me; I had buried my face into his shoulder, inhaling his natural scent.  He
let out a sight and clutched me tighter.  We both cried a bit longer.
Cries that were related by suppressed emotions and perhaps even suppressed
love.
	We mutually pulled away; I had so much to tell him as I hoped he
would have much to tell me.
	"Come on," he said, "I think you and I need to go somewhere a bit
more fitting."
	"Yeah, I know" I replied as I tried to wipe the redness out of my
eyes.  "My dad usually comes home around this time for a bite to eat and I
don't wanna be here when he gets here."
	"Ya know Kieran, for as long as I have known you I have seen the
way your dad treats you and your mom.  He treats you two as if you're both
a piece of shit.  I mean why is he such an asshole to you two?"  I saw
Quan's face contort in anger as he asked me this.  I understood it as him
caring for my well-being, and that was nice since I really didn't have many
people feel that way about me.
	"I don't really know why.  He says he treats us like that because
he loves us so much and since he loves us when we do something that he
doesn't like it makes him even more angry.  For a while I used to shout
back that he didn't love us and that he just loved the control he had over
my mom and I.  I would then say that if my mother or I would ever die he
wouldn't care less."  Talking about my dad lately would get me really
angry.  I began getting these increasingly hateful emotions toward him.  I
must have felt this way towards him for a while now but I think I am
finally beginning to sort out the way I feel on many issues.
	"Shh, Kieran," Quan said as he raised his two fingers up to my
lips.  "I don't ever wanna hear you say anything like that again."  His
facial expression revealed that he would be really hurt if I had ever done
any type of intentional harm to myself.  God knows that I have thought of
doing the deed many times before but obviously never went through with it.
	"Quan," I asked, "You never had thoughts or feelings that made you
just wanna quit?"  I was serious in my asking him.  I mean I knew his life
was perfect but sometimes I figured everyone got upset with even the most
mundane things of life.  It would have been so much easier for me I used to
think.  I would no longer have to deal with my sick perverted confusion and
my dad and brother.  It was the thought of my mother and leaving her alone
that kept me from doing anything stupid.  Her and I were a team, at least
that is the way I viewed it, and I would rather be damned then to let her
down.
	"Not once, not ever," he exclaimed.  "I would never cheat myself or
the ones that I love like that.  And you Kieran, my greatest friend in the
whole world who just now tells me all these great things.  Now, I see I'm
gonna have to knock this nonsense right out of you."  He leaned over and
gave me a playful punch in the jaw.  I overexaggerrated my movements and
fell to the floor.
	"Fuck man, I didn't mean to do that," he said in astonishment.  He
leaned over to pick up my head.  I squinted my eyes open but ended up
smiling in my futile effort in playing dead.
	"Just kidding bro," I said laughingly as I saw his concerned face
turn to one of relief.  "Hey, help me up so we can get going there's a lot
I have to tell you.  Oh, and brew some extra coffee for me too, ok."  He
lifted me up by taking my hand and I heard a joint crack.  "Damn, who's the
old man," I asked, "You or I?"  He let out a loud laugh that seemed like it
was billowing inside of him and that was great to hear.
	"Well, duh," he said, "I was gonna brew you some anyway.  You
should know that I am somewhat of a considerate person."  I smiled knowing
full well that he really is.
	I started walking up the stairs but my body turned and leaned over
the railing to see him.  He was walking into the kitchen running his hand
through his hair; beautiful I thought to myself.  I ran up and paused in
front of the bathroom mirror, smiling at my image.  I was not smiling
because of my self-approval of looks, rather because my best friend seemed
to understand me and accepted me rather than hating or condemning me.  His
approval of me would mean just as much as if it had come from the lips of
my mother.
	Turning on the faucet I let the water run and cupped some onto my
hand throwing a splash on my face and rubbing the excess into my hair.  I
pulled the towel towards my face briefly stopping to smell and hug it.
Clearly, I was feeling very good about myself but more importantly like I
had just relieved a burden, a burden that should have never been.  I ran
the brush filled of mint paste through my teeth working up a good lather.
I spit out the residue and rinsed with some mouthwash.  I added gel to my
hair sort of messing it around for that short unkempt look.  I proceeded
into my room and after peering into my tank of two geckos I threw in some
crickets I had caught.  I threw on a ribbed white tank shirt, beige colored
multi-pocketed shorts, socks and my Airwalks.  I used to never wear tank
shirts before but since I was filling out a bit I felt more comfortable
wearing them.  I glanced in the mirror for approval and headed downstairs.
	"One coffee light and sweet!"  Quan shouted tapping the tabletop as
if he were the cook at some greasy spoon diner.
	"Thanks, Mel," I responded, taking the coffee into my hands.  Upon
sipping the coffee I was noticing how good it had tasted.  I imagine that
after this moment most of my experiences, even that of the mundane, will be
enhanced.
	"Well, I'm gonna say it," Quan said.
	"Uh, say what?"  I asked sheepishly.
	"You really wanna know?"  He asked in a deviant tone.
	"The way things are going this morning I think I can handle
anything," I said, letting loose a smirk in his direction.  He put his cup
down on the counter and in a seductive manner walked over towards me.  He
cornered me into the countertop and aimed his beautiful brown eyes at me.
	"Well, it's the way you look in a tank top.  I don't see how you've
never caught me drooling," he said.
	"Jeez Quan, with statements like that I am beginning to think that
you are..."
	"Gay," he said sharply cutting me off.
	"Yeah, uh that," I replied.  His stare at me turned into a stare of
confidence.  He lifted his shoulders back, clenched his teeth and pulled
himself away.
	"Come on Kieran, dump the coffee so we can take a ride up to the
lake.  I figure we leave now we can avoid your dad," he said.
	"Shit, yeah I almost forgot," I quickly replied.  Shaking my head
out of confusion I asked, "You're gonna let me drive right?"
	"Sure, here are the keys," he responded.
	"You're not serious?"  I asked.  He didn't even flinch he just
handed me the keys.
	"Yo man, I trust you more than family.  I know you would never do
anything to compromise that," he said reassuringly.  "Now, stop yappin' and
get into the car," he said nudging me out of the front door of the house.
	"Damn," I said, "This car can make a young fella very lucky.  It's
silver too, just my color.  Man, you even got leather interior...I always
figured you were into the kinky," I said teasingly.
	"Hey man, I had nothing to do with its selection," Quan responded.
I guess the dealer at Volkswagen was pretty persuasive on my parents.
	"Oh, so I guess what I am essentially saying is that it is the car
dealer who has the kinky taste."  We both hopped in the car inhaling the
peculiar leather scent, I adjusted the mirrors a bit and pushed the seat
back.
	"To the lake, James," Quan said reclining his seat.  I simply
laughed at the subservient role I was now playing.
	"I can't remember the last time I was up there during the day, it
has been so long ago.  There isn't going to be to many people up there now
do you think? Out of curiosity that is," I asked.
	"What are you talking about, I am just going up for the sun," Quan
said.  I quickly turned towards him with a confused look.  "Just kidding,"
he said "I am taking you up there for some privacy.  I think you and I need
to lay some issues out.  It seems as if we both have been not too honest
towards each other," he said.  I thought about his last statement, he was
so right.  I have not been honest with him for a very long time.  I have
kept all of these thoughts and emotions bottled up.  I had never shared
them with anyone but myself.  This was going to be new territory for me and
I wanted to be cautious.  At the same time there was so many wonderful
things that I had wanted to tell Quan for the longest time.  And now that
the time has come for me to tell him I did not know where to begin.
	I pulled in the lot, slipping the clutch in neutral and applying
the brake.  Quan was staring out of the car.  I shook his leg bringing him
back to the conscious.
	I leaned over to him.  "We don't have to do this if you don't feel
comfortable."  It was one of those things that you didn't want to say but
sort of felt compelled to.  I had to though, make sure he was ok with
everything.
	"I was just wondering why you and I waited for so long," he said
gently.  Bursts of heat went shooting up my body tunneling into my eyes.
Tears had formed rapidly and I blinked and swallowed to hold them back from
falling down on my face.  He pulled on my shirt bringing it closer to him.
He took a deep inhale of it and with a sudden burst of energy opened the
car door.
	It was a silent walk from the car to where Quan had led me.  The
quietness was odd being that he and I had so much to say to each other.  At
times, during the walk, I wanted to say little quotes of comic relief but
those words did not seem to voice themselves.
	"Over here good?"  Quan asked.  We arrived at an area of the lake I
had never been to before.  I gazed around the lake trying to sort out
exactly where I was.  I quickly noticed the spot across from us where Quan
and I usually situate ourselves.  I took a deep inhale of the pine scent
and released it; hoping that it would gain me courage.
	"Yeah man, it's a good spot.  I can't say that I've been on this
side of the lake before," I said.  "How did you choose this area?"  Taking
his hat off, he glanced over and smiled.
 	"Like I said, we have a lot to discuss.  I'll tell you why I chose
this spot soon enough, ok?"  He pulled off his shirt for the first time
since I saw his back damaged.  It appeared as if it had healed and I was
glad.
	"It looks better," I said, "your back that is."  I had to muster up
the courage to say that.  I just wanted him to know that I hadn't forgotten
about that particular night.  After laying his shirt on the ground and
planting himself on it he looked at me.  He clenched his teeth then looked
down as if he was pondering the best mode of approach on a highly ordered
physics problem.  The complexity of my statement seemed straining on him.
	"I love you Kieran, I always have.  I even have it etched into
memory of when I first came to that realization."  With that said, his
statement forced me to sit down.  It was difficult to hear in one way, yet
overwhelmingly gratifying to hear in another way.  I didn't want to say
anything; yet at least.  I wanted to hear him and soak up every word out of
his mouth.  "I mean Kieran, it was not about being attracted to guys or
girls.  For me, for years in fact, it was about me being attracted to you,
in every way a person can be attracted.  Your character and appearance have
tapped my every sense.  Even with all these passing years these feelings
have never faded."  I didn't look at him, though I felt I should have.  I
instead gazed at the dancing mirrored reflections on the lake's surface.
	"Why didn't you ever say something to me?"  I asked.
	"Well," he said, "I should be asking you the same.  It seems that
you and I have been either too ashamed or too afraid to share these most
secretive feelings.  And now that you and I are both pretty aware of how
the other feels we need to ask what happens next."
	"You're so right," I said.  "There have been so many times that I
have wanted to tell you that I may be gay.  However, equal in number of
times I have wanted to say to you that I really loved you and that I was so
sure of it; more sure about it than anything in my life.  I could not risk
losing your presence in my life based on some emotion.  I needed you in my
corner.  I needed to see you at school and to know that I am your best
friend.  I loved the times when we were at parties or after a game and we
would bail out early and go off talking by ourselves.  You and my mom are
all I need in life and there was no way I was going to throw that all away
by telling you what exactly you mean to me.  I couldn't tell you these
things also because I knew you were so in love with your girlfriend and I
would never want to be the one responsible for any disruptions."  Just then
I saw a big grin on Quan's face revealing his dimples.
	"Umm, I have something to tell you," he said quietly while looking
away.  Ok, now I know that I can't fully derive "Planck's constant," but I
did know that I was going to hear something that would churn my stomach.
"You have to understand Kieran, that I did not know how you felt about me
until this morning.  I would never want to hurt you in any way, especially
now that I know how you actually feel about me."  I tightly closed my fists
in preparation to take what he was about to tell me.  "But, you know how I
have been telling you that I am involved with a girl from Japan?  Well,
that is not exactly the truth actually it is far from the truth."
	"Wait a sec," I interrupted.  I wanted to make clear to him that
all I have ever wanted from him was his support and that me telling him
what I was feeling was enough gratification.  "You know Quan, whatever you
tell me I will be ok with.  I may not understand at first but eventually I
will learn to understand and to accept whatever it may be.  I promise," I
said messing up his hair.  "Ok, now with saying all that I am ready to hear
what you have to say."
	"Well there is no girl from Vietnam, in fact there is no girl at
all.
	"Shit, no girl from Vietnam?"  I jumped in and asked.
	"Nope," he said, " I have been involved with a guy."  My jaw
dropped my eyes dilated and I was left speechless.  It took a little while
before I caught my breath.
	"Are you happy?"  I asked.
	"What?" He responded.
	"Well are you happy, does he make you happy?"  I asked.
	"Yes, he does.  He has, since the very first day we met," Quan
said.  His facial expression intensified at the mention of his boyfriend.
"You can understand how hard it has been not being able to tell anyone
about him until now.  So now that I have your attention do you want to know
more?"  I wasn't sure what to think.  I mean just earlier he was telling me
how much he loves me and now he looked boyish in telling me about his
boyfriend.  I honestly didn't want to hear it, any of it.  But, I gave him
a promise of loyalty.  I also wanted to find out who my new nemesis was.
Maybe I was overreacting a bit, but I really wanted to be solely with Quan.
I was very willing in wanting to take the next step and enter into a
committed relationship with him.  However, with the new situation at hand
it looked as if I would be on the sidelines again.  I also knew that
entering into a relationship with him would be double edged.  It is like
when you really want something so much that it hurts, but once you get it
you become completely frustrated.  I don't think it would be like that with
Quan. I mean I know that I would enjoy being with him but not at the
consequences if a severe breakup would occur.  I imagine it would be best,
in terms of dating him that I no longer think of it that way.  This line of
new thought would also put me through a lot of misery, but I agreed to the
trade off.  With Quan, it was like road trippin' with your favorite ally.
It would be best if it remained that way.
	"Yeah man, I'd really like to know how you two met."  I really did,
I was intrigued as to how it all must have begun.  I looked Quan over.  He
was itching to tell me.  The look of anticipation was nearly killing him.
"Well, are you gonna tell me?"
	"Do you remember last year's soccer game when your dad blew up at
Ryan?"
	"Yeah, how could I forget that," I said.  "My dad went ballistic
that day."  I also remembered that day because of the guy in the turtleneck
who was keeping score.  Obviously, he has remained in my mental rolodex
ever since I had first seen him.
	"Well, when I was in position of scoring the defense had tripped me
up.  I fell down and my body was hurt all over.  The ref had missed on
making the call.  There was this kid on the opposing team who helped me get
up."
	"Wow," I said, "Sounds like the beginning of a porn flick."  I let
out a bit of a laugh and he followed.
	"I guess in a way it was," he responded laughingly.  "But
seriously, this guy runs over and asks if I was alright and that sort of
chat.  He asked if he could help me up.  When I reached out to hold onto
his hand he had gripped my hand really firmly.  The weird part was that he
was not letting go of my hand until I had pulled away.  You know it was one
of the most invigorating yet frightful feelings I've ever felt.  My legs
went Jell-o as I stood in front of him.  As we continued to play I could
feel his eyes cover my every movement."  He paused for a bit.  All of that
was nice, I thought, but I wanted to know the good part.  I wanted to know
how he looked.  I wanted to know what type of look caught Quan's attention;
the one that would evict a double take if he were walking in the mall.  Now
I was really curious.
	"Well, what does he look like?"  I asked.
	"Honestly Kieran, he is not as much of a hottie as you but he still
attractive."  At this point he jumped over towards me and pinned me to the
ground.  "You do know that you're a hottie, right?"  He asked.  "I mean if
I think that then it is definitely the truth."  I overpowered him and
turned him on his back.  I leaned my forehead into his forehead.
	"Yeah, but what has being a hottie done for me lately?  I am still
a virgin and I have never even dated a guy before."  I said.
	"Yeah, but do you realize that is by your own choice?  Think about
it; you are only coming to terms with who you are as an individual.  Also,
you have to admit that you can be very standoffish to people.  Every girl
at school wants a piece of your ass and I imagine that many of the guys do
too, but you never use your sexual prowess.  You know, your mojo baby!  The
bottom line is that you are very disinterested to everyone you meet.  I see
it all the time man!"  So maybe he had a small point there, but hell I
wasn't going to admit to that.  It wasn't my fault anyway.  There just were
not many other people that consumed me the way Ryan and Quan did.  "But,"
he continued to say, "Now that I think about it I think I know why you're
like that.  You compare everyone you meet to me," he said.  Okay, so the
reading my mind bit that he was doing was just getting a little too freaky
for me.
	"I do not man," I proclaimed, "Hell I don't even think of you when
I meet someone."  Complete bullshit I know, I mean it was even at a point
where at hang outs I just wanted to know where Quan was.  I wanted to know
what he was doing, to whom he was talking too and what he was saying.  Was
all of this on the extreme side?  You bet!  I thought.
	"Bullshit Kieran," he jumped in and said.  "You say that I have
this perfect world, well you have this little world where you don't let
anyone enter.  That makes for you being viewed as a snob.
	"No way," I growled, "That is so far from the truth."
	"Kieran, how much longer are you gonna dwell in denial.  It's the
truth bro."  I looked at him. I pulled my eyebrows down and sucked in on my
teeth.  Fuck him and his reading my mind bullshit.  I didn't need to hear
all of that from him.  I mean as if it wasn't bad enough being in love with
your best friend who has had a boyfriend for the last many months.  Now to
top it off, my character was in question.  He was right though, damn kid
usually was.
	"Ok I confess, but why is it only now that you are reading me so
damn well.  How come, if you're reading me so well now, you didn't out me a
long time ago?"  I asked.
	"That's easy," he quickly responded, "I wasn't sure."  Hmm, great
answer I thought.  I guess I was too busy keeping my guard up that I have
lost years of knowing Quan or anyone else for that matter more intimately.
Mental note I thought, don't be such an asshole when meeting people.  "But,
going back to when you meet people.  Try to be more yourself.  When you and
I are hanging out that is the way you should always be.  You got so much to
offer, so much so that I have spent years in love with you.  I still am!"
	"Does your boyfriend know the way you feel about me?"  I asked.
	"You mean have I told him in so many words?"  Quan said.  "No, I
haven't.  I think he must have an idea.  I talk about you all the time; in
fact he has wanted to meet you for the longest time.  He's seen you on the
field before, he knows who you are."
	"So does the guy have a name?"  I asked.
	"Gabriel," he said.  "I sometimes call him Gabey baby, but he hates
that name.
	"Ah, yes," I said smiling, "Terms of endearment."
	"He's South American," Quan said.  "Well, where do you want me to
begin?"  He asked.
	"Don't be an ass," I exclaimed, "You know where."
	"He's a bit lighter than you, shorter too, with dark curly hair.
He's played soccer for that team for a couple of years so I bet you'd
recognize him.  He's got that typical athletic build with a nice happy
trail running down his abdomen.  He's a lot like you when you and I are
hanging out.  He's not as smart as you though.  I don't know what else to
say other than I want you to meet him."  I realized that Quan was comparing
me a lot to his boyfriend.  I wondered if he normally did that.
	"Sounds like a great guy.  I'm really happy for you," I said.  So
my breathing got a little heavier when I said that but I didn't want to
give him the wrong impression.  He looked at me and the intensity in his
face had vanished.  He looked away and his eyes spanned the lake.
Billowing gray clouds forming no longer allowed Quan to see the dancing
mirrored images I once saw earlier on the surface.  A chilling breeze
traced the outline of the trees and rocks.  A distant crack of thunder
could be heard amidst the background.
	"Do you remember when my back was hurt?"  He asked somberly.  A
sharp chill created its way up my spine.  My eyebrows narrowed while my
body contracted.
	"Yes, of course I do." I said.  His now zombie-like stare remained
focused on a distal point.
	"His father one night, found us kissing on the side of the house.
It was my first time ever kissing him.  My very first time ever kissing
another man.  His dad turned around the corner of the house and saw us.
That motherfucker went psycho.  He began to yell things like how he
couldn't believe he had a faggot son, a pussy bitch he said several times.
Gabriel told me to run, but I couldn't move.  I was flatfooted.  I was so
fucking scared for him and I.  I just stood there with Gabriel behind
standing behind me.  I closed my eyes and his dad turned back to the front
of the house.  I still stood there frozen.  His dad came back, more enraged
than I have ever seen someone be.  He revealed a baseball bat he was
carrying.  A fucking baseball bat, Kieran."  He was crying with each word
drawing more tears and creating more sobbing.  I stared, frozen in horror
but listening.  I stayed my distance from him, this had to be said I
thought.  "He continued to charge us and I didn't do a thing.  He pushed me
to the ground and forcibly swung the bat into house yelling at Gabriel.  He
was yelling that he was gonna beat that fag behavior out of him.  With a
powerful swing he smashed Gabriel.  Gabriel screamed and fell to the
ground.  I saw him writhing in pain clutching his arm.  He was about to
swing again and that is when I got up and put my body in front of the bat.
That son of a bitch hit my back so hard that I started coughing up blood.
I put my arm against the house to break my fall.  Then, something in me
triggered.  I picked up a pile of dirt and thrusted it in his face.  I
pushed it in his mouth as far as I could. He began choking, but I didn't
care.  I tripped him and he fell to the ground.  I started screaming fuck
you, while kicking the shit out him.  I wanted him to hurt the way I hurt
and the way Gabe hurt too.  Gabe had to pull me away from his dad.  He then
began shaking me as so make me sane again.  He and I ran we ran as far as
we could before tiring.  And that is where we are now."  I sat there like I
had just listened to a three-hour movie I didn't understand.  I was cold
and numb to my surroundings.  With that, raindrops began to fall and the
cracks of thunder had arrived.  Quan drew in a powerful breath and I wanted
to be the air to inhabit him for a moment only.  I would like to have been
that unnoticed and that necessary.  "Let's cut out before we caught in the
rain," he said while getting up.  His bare bust had allowed for paths of
trickling rain.  I intensely tried to follow every trail.  He looked
strong; bold enough to take blows of hate.
	We walked slowly down the trail towards the car.  I enjoyed the
rain pouncing on me.  My mind felt clearer not so scrambled like it had
been.  He is really fond of Gabriel and I wanted to be supportive of them.
The question of why he and I could not be together all of a sudden did not
seem so important.  Then, a quick thought came to me.
	"Quan, your car!"  I exclaimed.  The tops down!"  I ran ahead of
him as if that would help.  He had the keys!  He quickly followed catching
up to me.  We got to the car and saw that the interior wasn't that badly
wet.  He and I wiped down the inside of the car with the shirts from our
backs.  Quan brought the top back up and we both hopped in the car.  His
zombie like appearance had faded and a look of satisfaction had replaced
it.  I reclined my seat.  I then crumpled up my shirt and used it as a
pillow to rest my head on.  Quan turned his head and placed his stare on my
abdomen.  He inspected my body and smiled with approval.
	"Am I grade A beef, Mr. Department of Agriculture inspector man?"
I jokingly asked.  He smiled and rested the side of his head where my heart
was.  The wetness of his hair sent chills up my body revealing goose bumps.

	"When you would sleep over I would listen to your heart while you
slept.  The warmth of your body and the rhythmic beating of your heart
would make me fall sound asleep," he said.
	"You really did that?"  I asked while picking up my head.
	"Yeah man, each and every time you'd stay over," he replied.  I
would hope that you would wake up so I would get caught in the act," he
said smiling.  His statement prompted me to run my fingers through his hair
releasing some of the water from it.  My body warmed and I became
increasingly sensitive.  He turned his face and glided his warm moist
tongue around my nipple.  My body arched and my feet tensed.  I let out an
erotic sigh.  He circled my brown erect nipple continuing the detailed
search up to my neck.  Trails of hot residue were laid and my cock
responded to the attention.  His tongue dipped into my ear and as he
approached my mouth I leaned forward in preparation, in anticipation.  Our
eyes met, his dilated and a scared look pulled him away.
	"Oh shit, I'm sorry Kieran."  He exclaimed.  My face tensed and I
brought my head back covering it with my tank shirt.  I peeked through and
saw both his hands placed forcibly on the steering wheel.  His jaws
tightened.  "I'm sorry Kieran, I shouldn't have done that," he said.  I
paused before saying anything.
	"No, it was my fault.  I should've known better," I said
disappointedly.  It's funny how things can change so erratically in the
blink of an eye.  I mean just a few seconds ago I was about to have one of
my fantasies with Quan come true.  Now, I just lay there cupping my blue
balls.
	"You do understand, right?"  He asked.  In saying that he looked so
puzzled that I didn't even think he understood.  If he didn't understand
how the fuck could he expect me too.  I can tell that he wanted to say
more.  I figured I should get used to these situations and try and not to
let them bother me too much.
	"Quan, it wasn't your fault.  I'm the one who ran my hands through
your hair.  It was just a big mistake and I'm the one who should be sorry."
	"A mistake?"  Quan questioned.  He pushed his hands abrasively
upward on his face continuing through his hair.  It seemed like he got
really upset by that last remark I had made.  I wanted him to feel okay
about it.  I thought that if I took the blame it might have alleviated his
guilt.  My statement didn't have the desired effect.
	"Kieran, you mind if we go back to your place?  I wanna shower and
change," he said.
	"Yeah dude, of course," I replied.  "Quan," I asked, "Are you gonna
be okay?"  He started the car and released the clutch from neutral.  He was
silent in answering my question.  On the way back to my house we made the
small talk about his car, but that was about all that we talked about.
Upon entering my development my dad had passed us by.  Lunch break must be
over I guessed.
	"You hungry man?"  I asked.
	"Yeah, dude I'm starving," he replied.
	"Good," I said, "Then you can make me something to eat too."  He
laughed and gave me a playful tap on the knee.  I loved when he touched
me. It gave me these shooting sensual feelings that diffused into my blood
and caused my body to tense.  It was the way the touch had made me feel
that was missing from my previous relationships with females.  The feelings
it gave me could have kept me contented for a lifetime.
	I suggested that he use the bathroom to freshen up while I got some
peanut butter and jelly sandwiches ready.  Nothing sticks better like
peanut butter on the brain I have learned, especially for those times when
you just don't feel like thinking anymore.  It sort of slows your thoughts
down.  It's a favorite post-exam treat of mine.  I guess that all the last
minute toiletries I needed to get would be on hold until tomorrow.  As I
was smearing on the peanut butter I heard Quan running down the staircase
with a big smile slapped on his face.  His eyes, brown and beautiful were
as wide open as I'd ever seen them.  He had the phone in his hand as he
walked closer to me.
	"Promise me that you won't say no," he said.  Now at the sound of
that I knew I was heading into some shady business.  Of course by his
statement it was my first impulse to say no.  I mean it's like when people
come up to you hold something to your nose and say smell this.  Your first
reaction is to pull back and say screw off, but you instead bite the bait
and agree to the foul terms.
	"Sure," I said hesitantly.  He brought the phone up to his ear and
told the other person on the line that I would be going.  "Well, are you
gonna tell me what I've gotten myself into?"
	"You sure that you wanna know?"  He asked with a smirk.  You know
those nights to remember, the ones that make excellent conversational
pieces.  I think it was going to be that sort of night.  A night to
remember as the prom banner would read.  I figured that I should just let
things happen and hold onto my seat.
	"Yeah Quan, I wanna know," I said to him.  He came closer to me and
cornered me as he did earlier that morning.
	"Well tonight," he said, "You meet Gabriel and his special guest."
I t had to fully settle that I was going to meet this guy and whoever the
hell he was bringing. The more I thought about it the more my heart raced
and the more jell-o like my legs became.  I was not exactly thrilled to say
the least.
	"Yeah, sounds great!"  I managed to say.  Quan's smile dropped and
a look of concern covered his face.
	"Aw, come on Kieran I thought you'd like this.  It's an opportunity
for all of us to go out and have a good time.  I know it's not going to be
easy, but would you at least try it?  I'd really like for you and Gabriel
to become friends and if you don't like him then I'll just dump him," he
said jokingly.  How the fuck could I say no to this guy.  He had the most
beautiful features I have ever seen on anyone before and I was captive by
him.
	"First of all there will be no breaking up whatsoever ok.  Anyway,
you got to understand that this is a lot for me to handle in one day.  I
mean I told you that I'm gay and it's very obvious that I want to be in a
relationship with you, but then I find out that you have been in a
relationship.  It's just all very hard to accept when all I want is to be
with you.  Do you understand?"  He had his head down while he was bending
the brim of his hat.  I didn't know a better way of saying it and now I
knew it was a mistake in me telling him that I loved him so deeply.
	"I know what you mean Kieran even though you may not believe me
when I say that.  It would mean so much to me that you'd come out tonight.
I know that you and Gabriel will get along really well.  Also, Gabe is
bringing someone for you to meet."  Great and the plot thickens I thought.
	"I just think that this may be all going a bit too fast for me," I
said.
	"That's your problem Kieran, you think too much.  I bet you have a
great time and if you don't like him, then don't worry about it.  There are
many more guys out there for a sexy bitch like you," he exclaimed.  He ran
up to me, hugging me and telling me how much this had meant to him.  I did
know this.  Tomorrow I was leaving for school and this night was going to
be one hell of a night regardless if I liked this guy or not.  I needed to
have a good time and what better way to spend it then meeting my best
friend's boyfriend.  Plus, some lucky stud was going to have an eye fest on
me. With my different outlook on the upcoming night's event I was stoked.
	The rest of the day Quan and I just hung out acting all silly and
shit.  We talked about everything and at times about nothing.  We listened
to Radiohead, Tori Amos and Pink Floyd.  I enjoyed a couple of smokes and
was feeling pretty damn good.  I told him how I felt about Ryan and he
confessed that he shared the same infatuation.  We both shied away from the
topic of me leaving in the morning, but he spoke about what his plans were.
He was ok about staying home and commuting to the local university.  He was
going to get a degree in business with a minor in English literature.  He
joked that he wanted to open a bookstore, grow old in it and smoke his pipe
while stroking his long white beard.  He wanted to sell hard to find
literature and have a huge section on alternative living.  He also knew
that he had to stay home to help out with his family's two stores.  As for
Gabriel, he said, they would still continue to date.  Gabriel was going to
live in the university dorms, play soccer and major in sociology.  Quan
said he wanted to work with troubled youth.
	He and I both woke up when we heard the turning of the lock of the
front door.  He had his head resting on my lap so when he heard my mom
coming in he had gotten startled and quickly jumped up to attention.  My
mom had come in the living room and asked how everything was and what we
were doing for that evening.  Quan and her always got along well.  She
treated him like a son, always offering him to stay and eat or by buying
him presents regardless of the holiday.  My mom would tell me how he was so
special and how he would remain in my life.  Needless to say that it
comforted me when she said that.  On nights when he stayed over the two of
them would drink coffee and just basically talk about everything, well
almost everything.  I had gone upstairs to get ready.  It is so stupid
really when you waste like fifteen minutes in front of the closet deciding
what to wear.  The decision should really come as quick as it does when
you're at a Chinese food restaurant or a diner.  You figure, the menu is
always the same and you always end up ordering the same one or two dishes,
however that didn't seem to be the case here.  What if I picked out the
wrong outfit, I thought, and the guy who I was meeting thought that I
looked like a complete ass.  I continued to think what if I overdressed and
made him feel really underdressed.
	"Don't know what to wear do ya?"  I heard Quan ask as he was
leaning in the doorway.  He had that James Dean type pose with his hand
dangling at his side as if he had a smoke in it.  His legs were crossed and
his head downward with a know it all grin.  His hair at dropped slightly
below his eyes making it appear that he was up to no good.  All he needed
was the leather jacket and he was a spitttin' image.
	"I know that I am making a big deal outta nothin'," I said in
frustration.
	"You usually do, but it's your nature to," he responded coolly.
"Go shower, I wanted to choose what you were going to wear anyway."
	"Fine," I said in a bit of frustration.  I grabbed my towel and
headed toward the bathroom.  I let the water run creating a mixture as warm
as possible.  Before the fog had laid itself on the mirror.  I stood in
front of the mirror naked.  I inspected my body it's shape and definition.
I twisted in ways to see other parts of myself through the mirror.  I
touched my ink and traced its outline.  It was in an inconspicuous area of
my lower back.  It was my idea to get one done.  Quan had drawn the one
that I should get; it was a tribal design and all black.  Needles to say,
that day he got the same tattoo in the very same location that I had gotten
mine.  We were both worried about our parents freaking out since it was
illegal to get a tattoo when you're underage, which at the time we were.  I
knew one time my mom had seen it, but she didn't say anything for weeks.
She actually liked it though, but made me promise not to get another one.
When I had asked Quan what it meant he didn't tell me.  It was not until
one night at this girl's party when he was puking drunk that he did.  Maybe
he slipped in telling me, but he told me it meant give me life give me
peace give me myself again.  Now I understood its meaning.  I continued to
rub the smoothness of my skin appreciating my touch.  I gently palpated my
developed muscles that were from years of sport.  I enjoyed the slender
reflection as it had faded from sight.  I wondered what this guy would
think of me.  Would he appreciate the way I looked or would he even get to
the point of seeing what I saw.  As was my usual habit before heading in
the shower, I turned on the local university's rock station in hopes of
hearing some new material.  I let the water run for a good ten minutes
before stepping out of the stall and drying myself.  I walked into the room
with my towel wrapped around my waistline and saw Quan lying on his side on
the floor.  He was dangling my two geckos, Leo and Devon, by their tails.
He was one of the few that wouldn't mind picking them up and holding them.
Most times, when I brought them to school, people would remark how cute
they are but were never willing to pick them up.  If I asked someone to
pick them up the geckos suddenly went from being called cute and cuddly to
gross and disgusting.  But that was okay by me.  It was my way of getting
certain people away from me when I didn't feel like being too social.
	"Man, I love these guys.  I think I'm gonna miss them more than
I'll miss you Kieran," he said grinning as he held Leo and Devon in my
direction.  "I have to tell you something Kieran."
	"What?"  I asked.
	"Well, it's how I felt when you first told me that you were going
away," he started off by saying.
	"Okay, I'm listening."
	"When you told me I had become very angry and hurt.  I don't think
I talked to you for about a week trying to demonstrate a silent protest.
Hell you didn't even ask me what my opinion was on the whole thing.  I was
so afraid that you'd be growing away from me.  That you'd be meeting new
people and making new friends; forgetting about me.  Those were my greatest
fears.  They still are because things are so unpredictable now.  Many times
I think to myself that it will happen the way I just told you..."
	"Listen, I gotta cut you off now because I can't listen to this
anymore," I said.  "But please Quan, do me a huge favor and shit that
thinking out your arse," I said in my best Gaelic speak.  His jaw dropped
and he looked down at the reptiles.  I felt compelled do jump on him and
start wrestling, but since I was only wearing a towel and was already on
the verge of boner city I didn't.
	"Here let me show you what you're wearing," he said while pulling
me over to the bed.  On the bed laid out were black slacks and a tight
fitting black short-sleeved shirt.
	"Did someone die?"  I jokingly asked.
	"Don't be an ass, I saw a guy wearing something like this in a
magazine and I knew it had you written all over it.  But the price tag on
his shit was more than my college tuition."
	"It's not too formal or too urban?"  I asked.
	"Nah man.  It's you round eye, all you!"  He exclaimed.  I took an
extra step back for more of a panoramic view of the outfit.
	"This sort of clothing can get a guy beat up around here."
	"Trust me, you look great in it," Quan said.  "Also, I am going
well dressed; that way we can both get beat up.  Now stop runnin' your
mouth and wear it," he said in a pseudo forceful way.  I gave in to him,
nothing unusual.  I put the all black uniform on and walked to the
full-length mirror.  It made me look and feel like a supermodel or some
Hollywood actor.  I began to feel like another person fueled with a new
persona.  I felt wilder, more like the aggressor.  I quickly tempered
myself bringing back the old me.
	I went downstairs to wait for Quan and to see my mom.  Quan had
half his wardrobe in my closet so I knew that he'd be ok in finding
something to wear.
	"So tomorrow is the big day," she said to me with a cup in hand.  I
looked blankedly down at the floor and traced my finger along the outline
of the countertop.
	"I don't have to go ya know.  I could still stay here and go to the
university.  I know they'd still accept me."  I believed deep down she
wanted me to stay.  Hell I wanted to stay.
	"Kieran," she said softly, "Some of the best decisions in life come
from opportunities which at first may not be too appealing.  You may not
see it now, but this is a great opportunity for you to excel in life.  I
couldn't be more proud of you, my son."
	"Maybe Dad's right, I am not gonna fit in.  They're all a bunch of
rich kids," I said.
	"Well if you count riches on the basis of wealth then I guess I
have done something wrong."  I looked at her.  I didn't share the
enthusiasm of going away to college like my friends had.  It all to me
seemed like an obligation now.  "Listen," she said while caressing my face.
"You'll do fine, you'll see.  You'll make plenty of friends maybe date a
few people and you'll really enjoy yourself.  You say that they have a
challenging math program and an excellent soccer team.  If you think of it
in those terms then your attitude will change."  I pulled her closer to me
and wrapped my arms around her.  I drew in a deep breath and closed my
eyes.
	"So I know what you two are thinking.  Now why doesn't this
Vietnamese kid have his camera with him for such a hallmark moment?"  My
mom and I blurted out in laughter at the unexpected entrance of Quan.  My
mom and I broke arms and she paired me next to Quan.
	"Wow, look at you two.  The two most beautiful men in my life."  I
looked at Quan and rolled my eyes.  I think I'm gonna choke on feelgood I
whispered to him.
	"Okay, ready?"  I asked.
	"Yeah, let's go."  He responded.  I headed out the door first and
Quan lagged behind.  I heard my mom whisper something to Quan, but couldn't
make what she said.
	"Be up early, Kieran.  I'll be driving you before I go to work in
the evening."  She exclaimed.  I nodded back to her and smiled as I was
stepping into the car.
	"You know where you're going?"  I asked.
	"Yeah, we're going to Gabe's brother's apartment.  It is where he
has been living since that incident with his dad."  It was a short drive to
the complex and I was familiar with the area.  I saw a couple of guys by
the dumpster.  One was smoking a butt and the other was leaning against a
parked car.  Quan put his hand on my knee and told me to relax a bit.  He
pulled over and I drew in a deep breath hoping it would calm me down.  The
area was dimly lit which made me appear more alert.  Quan pushed ahead and
told me to just be myself.  We got closer and Gabriel had become visible.
I knew it was him because of the description Quan had fed me earlier.  His
complexion looked soft in the dim light.  His brown locks seemed to
fluoresce.  He approached me with a nice smile and his hand extended.
	"Hi, I'm Gabriel."  Wow, good-looking guy I thought.  Quan was
right.  I did recognize him from soccer.  His persona made me feel at ease.
	"Hi, I'm Kieran.  You know, I wish I could say I've heard a lot
about you, but I haven't until this morning."  The three of us laughed a
bit relieving a small amount of tension.  Just then, the other guy turned
around.  I nearly collapsed.  In an instant my hands began to perspire and
my heart seemed to clock in about a thousand beats per second.  Of all
people, it would be the one guy that I have corrupted in my mind.  It was
that scorekeeper. Up until now there has been only one scorekeeper I've
mentioned so you get the feel of whom I am referring to.
	"I'm guessing you're a bottom," he said.  Not only was I internally
a mess, but now I had become speechless.
	"What the fuck is that about?"  Quan jumped in asking.
	"Tobey!"  Gabriel shouted.  "Don't be saying stupid shit like
that."  Tobey fronted Gabriel and I threw a cold gaze at Quan.
	"Well, are we gonna stand here holding our dicks or are we gonna go
out?"  Tobey asked while grabbing his crotch.
	"You gotta be fucking kidding me if you guys think I'm hanging out
with a little puke like that," I said.  "Quan, let's go!"  I stormed over
to the car and I heard Quan following behind me.  Good I thought.  He
didn't try to stop me.  Gabriel ran up to us and pulled Quan and I by the
arms.
	"Guys!  Wait a sec.  Listen, I know what you two are thinking okay.
But, all I'm asking is that you give him a chance.  I know that I should've
explained him to you guys earlier, but then I didn't think that you'd still
be interested in hanging out tonight."
	"You got that right."  I responded.  "Gabriel, you seem like a nice
guy, but loose the little shit."
	"Please Kieran," Gabe said as if it were his last futile plea.
Gabe then looked at Quan and at that point I knew I'd be staying.  It was
that look that only a couple can have.  The look that echoes a whole
internal conversation without any actual speech involved.
	"Okay, Kieran and I will stay, but he'd better not be saying shit
like that alright?"
	"Cool, let me just talk to him first."  Gabriel said.  I huddled up
with Quan as Gabe left.
	"I don't believe this shit," I said to Quan.  "Listen to me, I have
seen Tobey before.  He was keeping score for Gabe's team last year.  I
admit I had become in love with him.  But, it was that stupid superficial
love, ya know?  That love you get before you actually meet the person.
Well now that I have met him I thought it would be best if we leave.  I
don't know what will happen between him and I tonight, honestly!  I think
he is really good looking, that being pretty obvious now, but in a strange
way I am sort of attracted to his attitude."
	"Oh come one Kieran, that kid's an asshole..."
	"I know, that is the shit I don't understand.  Usually I'd be outta
here, but I'm a bit intrigued by him.  We'll stay and see what happens.  If
he keeps acting like a dick, then we'll leave ok?"
	"Fine man, your call."  We looked over to where Gabe and Tobey
where standing and we walked over.  I stared in Tobey's direction the whole
way.  The top of his hair had gotten longer which he had pushed behind his
ears.  His eyes were complex.  If you thought they were blue, then they'd
play a trick on you and turn gray.  He poised on me.  Our eyes met.  I
tightened my upper body and clenched my teeth so as to not appear so
vulnerable.  He paced towards me passing me.  I watched him as he walked to
Quan's car, which he leaned against.
	"He's very fond of you Kieran."  Gabriel said.  "He said he'd
settle down.  Just please don't write him off just yet okay?"
	"So what's on tap for tonight?"  I asked.
	"Well, first he suggested that we all go to a gay club that he can
get us in at.  I told him it wasn't a good idea for tonight."  Gabriel
said.  "He then mentioned an area by the docks where we could chill."  I
looked at Quan and shook my head.
	"No way, too many people over there.  Also, I am sort of
overdressed for sitting in dirt," I said.
	"Well, that's what I told him, but then he said that there was a
rave party in the city and that most if not all the people that hang out
over there will be at the rave."  I looked down at what I was wearing and
wanted to kill Quan.  Something about me picking out sand from between my
ass cheeks didn't seem too appealing.
	"Don't worry Kieran, I've got my Grateful Dead blanket in the
trunk.  It seats four don't you know."  I smirked at Quan's bid for a
little comic relief.  Gabriel put his arms around us and we all proceeded
to the car.  I walked past Tobey to the passenger side of the car, riding
shotgun.  Gabriel and Tobey took their spots in the back seat.  A little
role reversal I thought.  Tobey leaned towards me cradling the headrest.
	"Mmm, all black huh?"  He said smugly while draping me in a cloud
of smoke.  "Did somebody die?"
	"Not yet," I responded icily while withdrawing the cigarette from
his lips and flicking it out the window.  By now, it was confirmed that
this guy was an asshole.  I sweared in any other situation I would've
stuffed him in a locker.  Quan continued to drive to the docks.  For so
many people in the car it was a quiet ride until Gabriel broke silence.
	"So, Quan says you're leaving tomorrow for Whitley College."  I
looked back at Gabe through the rearview mirror.  He seemed a little too
interested as if it was not an obligated question to ask.  He looked
genuinely interested.
	"Yeah, my mom is taking me in the morning."
	"Cool, so did you choose a major?"  Gabe asked.  Damn I thought.
How many times did I or will I have to answer that question.
	"Math," I mumbled.
	"Ouch, I suck at math.  It must come easy to you, huh?  Gabe asked.
	"Come on, don't be too modest Kieran."  Quan said.  "Everything
comes easy to him, don't be fooled."
	"That's bullshit," I said.  "It's only math that comes easy."  I
began to feel a bit more relaxed by the ease of conversation.
	"Oh, so you're a math geek?"  Tobey cut in by saying.  "So, tell
me.  Is 2+2 four or is it twenty-two?"  I turned around in the seat
thinking about what he had just said.  I couldn't help but crack a smile.
It was such a dry and stupid joke that you had to laugh.  He looked at me
and smiled back, winking at me as well.  The wink caught me off guard and I
immediately turned back around in my seat.
	"Never mind him," Gabriel said as he elbowed Tobey in the side.
"So it seems that I've played against you for the last four years.  You're
good, really good.  I say that 'cuz I've never been able to score on you."
	"Oh yeah?  I figured goalie is the easiest position and not even I
could fuck it up.  It's really good if you're lazy and don't like to do too
much running."
	"Kieran used to be the starting striker, but when the goalie
graduated our coach used him because of his height.  But, you can imagine
that there were a lot of people lined up to take kicks against him," Quan
said laughing.  I let out a bit of a laugh and Gabe smiled.
	"Yeah, I don't know where the team's hostility came from.  I
must've really pissed more than a few people off 'cuz they really had it in
for me," I responded.
	"Yeah man, like I can't imagine that your arrogant attitude had
anything to do with it," Quan joked.
	"Oh, so it seems that you have a bit of arrogance in ya, huh?"
Gabriel asked.
	"Well, I think that's the only rumor that's not true."  I shot
back.
	Looking through the rearview mirror Quan asked, "Tobey, you know
we're talking about soccer, right?"
	"No, I thought it was a fucking cricket game you lads were rappin'
about."  I could see Quan's expression turn in the corner of my eye.  His
attempt to embarrass Tobey failed miserably.  We pulled up to the gravel
lot and we all stepped out of the car in sync.  Tobey was right; the area
was vacant.  This are is well known by most of the high school students.
You would come here if you wanted to smoke, drink or cop a feel with your
date without anyone bothering you.  Gabriel cracked a few jokes on the way
up.  He told me a bit about how he confronted Quan during the game.  He
said he was never so scared in his life.  It was obvious that it was not
something he usually did.  I learned that we had a lot in common.  The main
thing was our mutual attraction to Quan.  We found an isolated area and
Quan threw down his blanket.  He was still steamed with Tobey's last
statement.  I soaked in the sound of the water rolling up the rocky
shoreline.  Except for the reflection of the moonlight on the petrified
wood and rowboats nothing could be seen.  I found a spot to sit on the
blanket and I looked up towards the sky tracing the outline of the little
dipper.
	"So you look familiar Quan," Tobey said.  Oh shit I thought, round
number three.  "You're the delivery boy for China Star restaurant right?"
Tobey smugly said.  Stunned by his comment all I could do was sit there
with my mouth open.  Gabe had the same expression, but Quan did not.
	"That's it!"  Quan exclaimed.  "Gabriel, that little bastard isn't
steppin' foot in my car. And plus, I'm Vietnamese not Chinese you dumb
fuck!"  Gabriel tried to quiet Quan down.  The two of them got up together
and walked into the trees.  Fucking guy left me with him I thought.  Some
friend I sighed under my breath.
	"Why are you like that?"  I asked.  I waited for some dumb ass,
snide remark.  Nothing was said.  He was silent.  He turned his head to me
and his eyes described sadness, fear and hurt.  He leaned over, slowly and
gently tapped my lips with his lips.  I obeyed his moves; I let him lead
while I followed.  His fingertips lifted my shirt and each finger crawled
its way up to my chest.  My body began to relax while my dick hardened.  I
ran my fingers through his hair, down his neck and around his face.  I
brought my nose to his neck inhaling him.  Tobey slowly unwrapped me
starting with my shirt.  The sweat and light annunciated my physical
features.  I reciprocated, relieving Tobey of his shirt.  We both became a
bit more aggressive.  His tongue brought the hairs along the back of my
neck to attention.  We threw off our shoes and socks and he unbuckled my
belt.  I lied back on the blanket.  The moonlight intensified his soft,
milky-white skin.  His pink nipples stood firm and I cupped one with my
mouth.  He positioned himself on me wearing his jeans only.  I played and
tickled with as many parts of his skin as my mouth could handle.  He
moaned.  Each one of his moans correlated with him straddling me harder and
longer.  I undid his jeans and pulled them down half-way.  I massaged his
lower back.  I laid my head back so I could get a full frontal view of him.
My pants by now were down to my thighs, but my shelter of cotton thongs was
no match for what had grown inside.  The head of my cock was peeking out of
it.  His cock, uncovered, was rubbing against me.  His pink head glistened
from precum, which had spilled onto my abdomen.  It supported the physical
and emotional bond he and I shared at the moment.  I traced my hands down
and through his crevice until I found myself playing with the hairs between
his legs.
	"Shit Kieran, I'm about too..."
	It was no great mystery what was about to happen.  What was I
thinking you might ask?  Well, it was warm.  It sort of felt good though.
It also looked just like my own cum.  Stupid comment, I know, but remember
I've never seen another guy's cum up until now.
	He flopped himself on me.  My eyes had become wide open.  I had to
restrain myself because none of my emotion had flowed out, if you know what
I mean.  He wrapped his arms tightly around me.  It is not that I was
weirded out or anything like that.  It was just something different.  I
admit though, the longer I hugged him the better I began to feel about him
and about myself.
	"Your heart, it skips beats."  I smiled at him, his hair was
clinging to my chest and his head was angled upward.  I recognized the
sensitivity in his face, felt the softness of his skin, but the complexity
in his eyes remained.
	"It's always like that," I said quietly.  "It doesn't work right
all the time."  He lowered himself kissing the area where my heart was and
rested his head on my chest again.  The warmth of the surroundings and of
our activity had moistened out bodies.  I was lying there trying to figure
out how exactly I felt.  Who was this guy?  I wondered.  First he is
cracking bullshit comments and then when he and I are together it is like
he let his whole guard down.  I slowly drifted off to sleep.  When I awoke
my clothes were back on, but Tobey wasn't there.  I heard the cracking of
branches behind me.
	"Hey guys, what's up?"  I asked.  Quan laid a cold stare on me.  I
assumed he was still pissed off at Tobey.
	"Not much," Gabe said.  "Where's Tobey?"  I scanned the area
quickly.  Can't see shit in the dark, I thought.
	"I dunno."
	Gabriel tried bringing Quan to the blanket but Quan fought him off.
Instead he leaned against a tree and Gabe came and sat next to me.  I was
concerned about Tobey.
	"I'm gonna go and look for him," I said as I got up.  I walked down
towards the rowboats.  The smell of smoke led me to look inside one the
boats where Tobey was lying in.  I didn't say a word as I climbed inside
the boat.  He kept smoking as if I was non-existent.
	"I'm not gonna bother you with asking bullshit questions.  I figure
if you got something to say you'll tell me.  But there are some things I
wanna say to you," I said pulling the cigarette from his mouth and placing
it between my lips.  "I remember you from a soccer game last year.  You
probably had no idea about that.  I can just about say that I fell in love
with you immediately.  Your beauty and grace, I watched from the field.
Believe it or not, I have thought a lot about you for the last year.  I
even think I flat lined when I was introduced to you earlier.  Then I met
you.  Your attitude was worth shit and now my best friend doesn't like you
at all, being that you've really pissed him off.  So why am I here with
you?  Well, hell if I know.  I'm not going to tell you much more of what I
think about you.  You have to give a little first.  However, I would like
to see you again if it's okay with you?"  His eyes widened and with the
help of his arms he leaned himself upright.
	"Be careful what you ask for, Kieran," he said somberly.
Regardless of his bullshit attitude and behavior I still wanted to see him.
	"Listen, enough of your fronting.  You've been stepping into
everyone's face since I've met you.  I'm just asking you to leave that
bullshit attitude at the door.  No b.s.!  If you don't wanna see me or if
you're not interested then you need to tell me that.  I'm not gonna fall
apart or break into a million pieces, okay?"  There was a brief period of
silence he mumbled something.  "What did you say," I asked.
	"Fine, I'll see you again."
	"Good, then you can pick me up," I said.
	"Uh, didn't Gabe tell you anything about me?"
	"No, tonight was the first time that I've ever talked to him."
	"Well," he sputtered, "I don't have a car Kieran.  I am only going
to be a senior in high school."
	"High school?  You mean you're not in college?"
	"No dude, I'm not."
	"How old are you?" I asked.
	"I'm eighteen," he said defiantly.  "What's up with the third
degree?"
	"Nothing, I just thought you were heading into your first year of
college at least.
	"Well, I'm not.  You got a problem with that?"  Well, yeah,
actually I did.  The thought of dating a high school student had a certain
stigma to it, now that I was in college.  It didn't have anything to do
with educational level.  It just seemed to carry a negative connotation.
Looking at him, I examined his defensiveness and smart-ass behavior that
wouldn't help people gravitate towards him at all, but he captivated
me. There was something under his demeanor that he was protecting.  I
wanted to give him a chance and I wanted to understand him.  Was he worth
it?  I wondered.
	"No, it just makes things more interesting."  He took his eyes off
the sky and aimed them at me.  He smirked mischievously.  I then remembered
his earlier comment, be careful what you ask for.
	Tobey and I got up and walked back to where Quan and Gabe were.
During the walk he wrapped one arm onto my shoulders.  We kept silent
throughout the walk, which was probably for the best.  Quan and Gabe were
in the same spots when I had left them previously.  I felt a slight tension
in the air.  I wanted Tobey to apologize for his shit, but I knew that was
up to him to do.
	"Guys, why don't we go and do some midnight bowling?"  I asked.
They all nodded in agreement and I was determined to kick this night in the
ass.  I asked Quan for the keys and he threw them to me with no enthusiasm.
	The whole ride to the bowling alley I don't think the car ever
slowed down to less than fourth gear.  I must've left fifty percent of the
rubber lying on the pavement.  It was fun and by the smiles in the back I
think they'd agree.  I even saw Quan crack a smile.
	At the bowling alley we saw a bunch of people from school who
hadn't left for college yet either.  We bullshitted with them for a while
and I introduced Tobey to everyone I talked to.  I think he felt a bit out
of his element.  He did make efforts to strike up conversation, but it just
drowned out with all the other talk going on.
	We got to play a bunch of games because Quan and I were
ex-teammates with the guy at the counter.  The night was tense between Quan
and myself.  I tried several times to crack a few jokes but I didn't get
much of a response from him.  I talked a lot to Gabriel.  He and I got
along really well, much better than I originally thought we would.  As for
Tobey, he was pretty tame for the night but I was glad that he was there
with me.  I caught his eyes staring at me and my ass several times as I
walked with the bowling ball up to the start line.  I accentuated my pose
to his delight.
	I became angry with Quan a few times for being an ass to Gabe, but
he just shrugged me off.  It turned out that Tobey knew the bar back and
was able to sneak us each a couple of beers.  If it was his plan to get me
a little tipsy and bit horny he'd gotten an A.  As you see I'm a
self-confessed lightweight.  It was hard having to touch Tobey so that no
one would notice, but he and I managed to cop a few feels.  He was a bit
more aggressive than I, which I quickly got used to.
	It was late and the buzz had worn off.  "You guys set to go?"  Quan
asked.
	"Yeah, I think so," I muttered. Tobey, Gabriel and I stumbled to
the car.  We kept pushing each other into garbage pails, seats or people
that were also leaving.  We heard people yelling a few expletives at us,
but Tobey just flipped them the finger.  For the ride home, I asked Gabe if
he and I could switch seats so I could sit next to Tobey.  He agreed and
thought it was a good idea.
	I climbed into the car sitting next to Tobey.  He looked at me as
if I was out of place.  He leaned himself into the car door and hunched his
shoulders.  I gave him the extra room he needed.
	"So you're leaving tomorrow?"  He asked.
	"Yeah, I am.  I still wanna see you though."  I didn't think he
believed me because he just sighed and stared out the window.  I thought we
were going to have a nice car ride together, but that thought quickly
vanished.
	"I don't know if I can," he said somberly.  "I have a lot of things
to do.  I'm still in summer school plus I work in the evenings."  I didn't
really care about any of that.  I just knew I wanted to see him.  I was
determined now to try and start a relationship with him.  I just had to
make him believe that I was interested.
	I leaned over to him and with my hand I turned his head toward me.
His eyes were swollen with tears, a sign of weakness that he was
desperately trying to hold back.
	"Then I'll come to see you.  Please Tobey, let me."  The car ride
was quiet the rest of the way home.  Gabe had fallen asleep in the front
and Quan was in a non-talking mood.  The distance between Tobey and I had
grown.
	When we pulled up to Gabe's brother's apartment Tobey awakened him.
The two of them got up and out of the car and walked to the door when I ran
out after them.
	"Gabe, can you give us a second?"  I asked.
	"Sure, I'll leave the door open Tobey.  Just lock it when you come
in," Gabe said.  "Oh, Kieran I had a great time with you tonight.
Hopefully we can do it again."
	"Yeah, I'd like that," I said.  I waited until Gabriel walked into
the apartment before I began talking to Tobey.
	"Tobey, I really wanna be able to work things out with you," I
started off by saying. "But, if you want it like I think you do then you
need to put in an effort as well.  I am not going to mind coming back here
to see you or if I have to wait up until 3 a.m. for your phone call then I
will do that too.  I know I am jumping into something heavy with you, but
you know what; I don't give a shit.  I'm always the one to think things
through and not to make irrational judgments.  But, fuck it this time.
It's not about me taking a chance to be with you or even about going
against my better judgment.  I want to spend time with you, to get to know
you more intimately."  I could've said more, but stopped there.  His look
of fatigue had been replaced by one of anger.
	"What the fuck, Kieran!  What, you wanna know more about me?  I
don't think you do!"  He shouted.  "You wanna hear the shit that I've been
through so you can run back to your best friend and tell him what a freak I
am?  No, no you don't!  You wanna hear the good things, the nice things
that I do.  Well, sorry man, no such luck.  Perhaps you wanna know about my
parents and what my dad did to me so you can feel better about yourself.
Fuck man, you don't even know where I'm living!  Who the fuck do you think
you are?  You're nothing to me Kieran!
	"No, no that's not what I meant," I tried to say.
	"Cuz Kieran, you don't know shit 'bout me!"  And those were his
parting words as he immediately turned away into he apartment slamming the
door shut.  I stood there frozen.  I couldn't understand how things
could've gone so wrong so quickly.  I was hurt by what he had said to me.
I cared about him, perhaps even more deeply then I let on.  I began to walk
back to the car.
	"Kieran, wait!  Hold up!"  It was Gabe flagging me down.  "I heard
everything and I'm sorry about the shit he said.  He doesn't mean it," he
told me.
	"Doesn't mean it?"  I echoed.  "Were you listening?  Gabe, he
doesn't want anything to do with me!  It's better that I know that now."
He grabbed my arm as to focus my attention on him, to calm me down.
	"There are things that you should know about him.  I didn't expect
the two of you to get this far.  He has strong feelings for you, but you
cannot let him down like so many people have.  I will come and see you at
your school this week."
	"I don't care about my feelings.  Right now I care about him.  I
wanna make sure that he'll be ok.  If there are things that you feel that I
should know about him then fine, tell me when you can. I just know that I
want to see him again," I said.
	"Good, we'll talk again my friend," Gabe said as he patted my
shoulder sending me off.  I stumbled to Quan's car and lazily stepped in.
	We drove off, heading to my house.  I turned on his radio to drown
out the silence.  It was the first time that Quan and I were not speaking.
	"He's bad news, Kieran.  I don't think you should waste your time
with him."
	"What?  How are you gonna say something like that?"  I said.
	"He's a fucking punk, I'm sorry if you don't see that.  I don't
know what the hell Gabriel was thinking."
	"Well Quan, why don't you let me be the judge of that!"
	"Don't be ridiculous Kieran.  You guys are two totally different
people.  I'm telling you, he'll break us!  Mark my words."
	"Fuck you man, was I not supportive of you and Gabe?  Show me the
same God Damned respect!"  I looked dead into the side of his face.  I was
so angry with him that I wanted to hit him.  What had gotten into me?  I
felt like a raving lunatic.  I had to get out of his car, soon!
	Without saying thanks or a see you later, Quan dropped me off at my
house.  I had never felt so horrible in my life.  I walked up to my bedroom
with my back hunched and my head dragging.  While walking up the staircase
to my room I tore off the shirt I was wearing and threw it into my room in
passing.  I walked into the bathroom.  I let the faucet water run so that I
could wash up.  It was Quan's idea to go out tonight.  I really didn't want
to.  In hindsight I should've kept to that.  He had me so angry.  I
could've understood if he didn't want me to see Tobey.  Tobey had brushed
him the wrong way and I realized that.  But, I made it very clear to him
that I liked Tobey and he should've been supportive of that.  He had no
right coming off with the tone that he had.  Then there was Tobey.  With
Tobey it was like dealing with two different people.  One moment he is all
smiles and the next moment he has this I don't give a shit type attitude.
I don't know how I got to like him so much so quickly.  It just sort of
happened.  It bothered me deeply because then I thought that he had the
upper hand.  It was obvious that I cared for him, but it was even more
painfully obvious that he didn't feel the same way.  The apparent anger had
turned my face a shade red and had made my chest feel heavy.
	I finished up and entered my room.  I fed Leo and Devon.  I envied
their simple lives, eat and sleep was all they had to do.  I turned on my
black light and pulled out an old Nine Inch Nails disc and let it play.  I
stripped off all my clothes and put on my pajama bottoms.  As I laid myself
in the bed I couldn't help but think of the moment I had shared with Tobey
on Quan's blanket.  I recalled the texture of his skin and the firmness of
his body.  The strands of his hair that had clung to the perspiration he
and I created.  His heavy breathing, which emphasized each moment as more
intense as the previous.  I hugged my pillow with force and turned to my
side.  My eyes slowly rolled back urging me to sleep.
	"Ring, ring....Ring ring."
	The sound of the phone had startled me into consciousness.  I
stumbled over to my computer, rubbing my eyes and clearing my throat.  I
brought the phone mic closer.
	"Uh, hello?"  I asked.  It was silent at the other end.  I was
about to click off and the silence broke.
	"Wait Kieran, don't hang up.  It's me Tobey."  Hearing his voice
made me sit more erect in the chair and I listened more intensely.
	"Tobey, how did you get my number?"  I asked sounding surprised.
	"It doesn't matter how, but ummm...I just wanted to know if you're
still into seeing me?"  He said in a gentle voice.
	"Yes, of course!"  I nearly jumped out of my chair saying that.
"But, when and how will you get to my school?  I'm leaving tomorrow."  I
heard a small snicker over the phone line.
	"I'll get there," he said.
	"Tobey, wait!  The dorms are aligned in a quad.  I'm in Wesley Hall
room 211."
	"Kieran..."
	"What?"  I jumped in to ask.  He paused for a bit.  My tenacity
slowly slipped.
	"You be there for me, Kieran.  You gotta promise me that."
	"I promise Tobey."  He let out a sigh that resounded through the
phone line.  I didn't know what to make of it.
	Okay, I have to go," he mumbled.
	"Bye, Tobey!  Tobey?  Hello?"  He hung up before I could've said
good-bye.  Walking over to the bed, my brain was too tired to organize
everything in my head.  I was okay with that.  I just knew that in a few
hours I'd be leaving for college and this guy, named Tobey, was coming to
see me.  I laid back into my bed and through the window I noticed that the
stars seemed perfectly aligned.


   Part 2 is currently in the works...Are your eyes tired yet? :) brent