This
story
concerns adult and teenage gay
males who may be involved in sexual situations. If it is illegal for
you to
read such stories, or if you do not like to read such stories, please
leave
now.
This
story is
copyright 2006 by the author who retains all rights.
This
is a work
of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents
either are the product of the author's imagination or are used
fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is
entirely coincidental.
This is my
third submission to Nifty. My
previous submissions can be found in the High School section under
Kiel’s Story. Any comments or questions are
welcome at: carl_holiday@att.net.
A warm
thank you goes out to all who
write. I appreciate knowing someone is actually reading this stuff,
whether you
like it or not. I try to answer all emails, even flames. (I’m a writer,
I live
for rejection.) Although sometimes it takes a little time to get back
to
you, I do
try to answer. If I'm remiss in replying to yours, I apologize.
The Pastel Cowboy
by Carl Holiday
Chapter
21 – The Ashes of My Heart
Zach slowly walked
across the
lake of fire as his feet sank into the soft fiery mud sending flashes
of pain
up his legs. A man called for him or it seemed a man was calling his
name from
somewhere beyond the edge of his awareness. Except for momentary
flashes of
bright orange light, all was black. All his concentration was focused
on taking
the next step, pulling a foot out of the fire, and then carefully
placing the
scorched sole back into the blazing heat. He lived for the next moment
when one
foot was pulled out of the hot coals and basked for the briefest span
of time
before plunging back into unbelievable agony.
Was someone calling
his name?
Did he hear a noise?
Suddenly,
unexpectedly, Zach
felt as if his whole body was floating up as a bit of ash floats away
from a
fire trying its best to escape before another blast of searing air
tears it
asunder.
Was there a noise?
What was that?
Pain.
Unbelievable,
agonizing pain.
A voice.
“Zach?”
“Is he okay?”
“Do you have Derek?”
“Zach?”
“Oh, god, look at
his feet.”
“Zach?”
“Zach?”
The voice was
familiar. His
father?
“Zach?”
“Come here boy and
help me,”
his father called from the far side of the creek.
A colt had wandered
off from
its mother and gotten caught in the sucking mud where steers wallowed
on hot
afternoons. Flies filled the air with an incessant buzz.
“This isn’t so bad.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’ve seen bad,
this’ll
blister but he’ll have a lot of pain.”
“Zach?”
Upon waking, the
first thing
noticed was an IV in his arm. He opened his eyes and stared at the
fluid
seeping into a vein. His eyes tracked down his body and stopped at the
bandaged
feet.
He wasn’t dead.
He’d been here
before. He was
in the land of painkillers; a soft, warm landscape of pastels and
numbing
nothingness.
“Hey, kiddo, how’re
you
doing?” Paul asked. He leaned into Zach’s unfocused line of sight. “You
gave us
quite a scare last night.”
“Where? Derek?”
Zach asked.
He was surprised he could speak. He tried to remember something from
the
previous night, but his mind stopped at a door blocked by Conan.
“Should be in
jail,” Paul
said, “but Bruce whacked him a couple times with his karate and he’s
down the
hall handcuffed to his bed.”
“Watch out for
Bruce,” Zach
whispered. “If he gets mad, he’ll whack you.”
He was hungry. Even
though he
knew he’d vomit, he wanted something to eat.
Zach turned his
head from
side to side as he came back out of that nowhere place. Bruce was
sitting in a
chair by the window reading a magazine. Paul was standing beside the
bed. Zach
stared at his feet.
“I’m sorry for
screwing up
the trip,” Zach said.
“What do you mean
screwing up
the trip?” Paul asked. “We’re going as soon as we get you a wheelchair
and the
doc says you’re fit.”
“My feet, burned,”
Zach
whispered.
“Not as bad as we
thought,”
Paul said.
“Derek,” Zach
whispered.
“I guess in his
eagerness he
forgot to close the door,” Paul said. “We could hear you scream out in
the
motor home. Bruce was out the door before I could react. It took us a
couple
minutes to figure out you were in the basement, but Derek didn’t have a
chance
to do any serious damage.”
“I’m sorry,” Zach
whispered.
“I guess I haven’t learned to stop thinking with my dick.”
“Ain’t that the
truth,” Bruce
sneered.
Zach stared at the
ceiling
and thought of Jeremy. He’d fucked up big time. This wasn’t just
slipping into
some dark alley for a quick blowjob with a stranger. No, he’d gone into
this
with his eyes focused on his dick and was lucky to be alive. He’d be
lucky if
Jeremy forgave him. He’d be really lucky if Bud let him continue living
in the
cottage. He’d be extremely lucky if Jeremy was there, too.
He heard paper
shuffling and
turned to see Bruce at the side of his bed.
“I spoke with your
boyfriend,” Bruce said.
Zach stared at him.
He waited
for the knife to pierce his heart.
“I told him
everything
because I knew you’d gloss over the facts,” Bruce said. He took Zach’s
hand in
his and gently held it. “I told him you’re one sorry sack of horseshit
who
isn’t worth his forgiveness. Don’t look at me like that.”
Zach turned his
face away. He
wasn’t going to cry. He’d fucked up too much to feel sorry for himself.
“Then I told him
he’s going
to have to understand that you’ll stray if you’re given the chance,”
Bruce
said. He was softly caressing the back of Zach’s hand. “I told him he’s
going
to have to keep you close to his heart, if he’s willing to forgive you.
I told
him I’ll have you call him when you’re not so drugged up. And, finally,
I told
him you’re a great guy who doesn’t deserve a sweet kid like him; and,
you
don’t.”
Bruce leaned down
and kissed
Zach’s cheek.
“How’s my favorite
dummy this
morning?”
Zach looked towards
the voice
and saw a woman in her late twenties or early thirties. She was tall,
slender,
and had long blond hair pulled back into a single braid down past her
shoulders. Her smile was warm, inviting. Her nametag said: E. C.
Burdick, MD.
“Fuzzy,” Zach said.
“Hungry.”
“Well, you’ll be
going home
as soon as we can arrange a transfer to the hospital in Seattle,” the
doctor
said.
“Seattle?” Zach
asked. He
looked at Paul, who only shrugged.
“That’s where
you’re from,
right?” the doctor asked.
“Yeah, I guess,”
Zach said.
He looked at Bruce, who was still holding his hand.
“Burns on the feet
are no
laughing matter,” the doctor said. She looked at him the same way his
mother
looked at him when he’d fucked up as a kid. “You’re lucky, though. I
don’t
think there’s been significant damage, but I’m not the expert. We need
to get
you to a burn center. They’ll be able to give you a better assessment.”
“Thanks,” Zach
whispered.
He stared up at the
ceiling
and thought of Jeremy.
There were frilly
yellow
curtains on the window over the sink when Zach hobbled into the
cottage’s
kitchen. He sat down at the table and looked at them. For some reason,
he
didn’t exactly know why because yellow was definitely not his mother’s
favorite
color, the curtains reminded him of her being in the kitchen when he
came home
from school. She always seemed to be in the kitchen as if it was her
sole realm
on the entire ranch where she was almost like a fairy godmother doling
out
forgiveness and tender care for all the booboos and owees of childhood.
Jeremy walked in
and sat down
at the opposite chair. They looked at one another, but no words were
exchanged.
They hadn’t spoken since Zach had been flown back from Montana three
weeks
earlier.
His burns weren’t
too bad,
but they were serious enough to require a lengthy stay in the burn
center until
the doctors were certain he wasn’t going to screw up and come back with
something serious. Unfortunately, his reputation as a fuck-up preceded
him and
he found little sympathy; and, it seemed Jeremy was still in the
process of
deciding if his love for Zach was worth the effort.
“I’m sorry for
being such an
ass,” Zach said.
Jeremy stood up and
walked
around the table. He stood beside Zach. Zach looked up, but couldn’t
tell what
was on the mind of the boy who once loved him. He fully expected a slap
or a
fist in his face. He deserved that, he deserved more than that. Jeremy
leaned
over and kissed him on the forehead.
“Grandfather wanted
me to
move back up to the house,” Jeremy said as he walked back around the
table and
sat down. “I told him this was our home and that, while you did
something that
hurt me very much, I can’t leave you. But, I want you to know I still
haven’t
forgiven you. Maybe in time I’ll be able to do that, but right now I
can’t. I
want to, but I can’t because I still love you very much.”
“Thank you,” Zach
whispered. The
pain was barely tolerable and it was time for a light snack so he could
take a
pill. He wondered if there was anything to eat. He winced as he stood
up.
“Where are you
going?” Jeremy
asked.
“I have to eat
something
before I take a pill,” Zach said.
“What do you want?”
Jeremy asked.
He walked around the table and stood close to Zach. Electricity
crackled
between them as the disgust they both felt over what Zach did fought
with their
love for each other. Jeremy reached out and touched Zach’s bare forearm.
“I don’t know
anymore,” Zach
whispered. He winced at the pain in his feet, pain he was going to have
to
learn to deal with for a long time. Pain that was going to remind him
how close
he came to destroying the one love he cherished most. “I can’t think,
anymore.”
“Sit down, I’ll fix
you
something,” Jeremy said, firmly. “The dietician told me you need lots
of fluids
and fruit because those pills will cause constipation and we don’t need
that.
Do we?”
“No, I guess not,”
Zach said.
He watched Jeremy take a covered bowl out of the refrigerator and put
it on the
counter.
“Do you like cream
over your
peaches?” Jeremy asked.
“I’ve never had
cream on
peaches,” Zach said.
“Well, you don’t
know what
you’re missing,” Jeremy said. He kept his back to Zach as he took a
small
dessert bowl out of the cabinet and scooped some peaches into it. “Raul
told me
how to fix these. He’s been teaching me how to cook since you won’t be
able to
do it for awhile.”
He set the bowl of
peaches on
the table beside Zach.
“Since you’re not
getting a
lot of exercise right now, you don’t get cream,” Jeremy said. “You’ll
have to
settle for skim milk.”
“I hate that,” Zach
said as
he watched Jeremy pour a small amount of milk over the sliced and
sugared
peaches.
“Tough,” Jeremy
said. He put
the milk back in the refrigerator and came back to the table.
Zach stared at the
peaches,
which did look kind of good even though the watery milk did little to
help
their appearance. He looked across the table at Jeremy who wasn’t
smiling.
“Go on, eat,”
Jeremy said.
They stared at each other for a moment and then Zach put his spoon into
the
bowl and picked up some of the fruit.
He ate slowly as
the pain
gradually built up overwhelming his senses. Halfway through the bowl,
Jeremy
gave him a pain pill and he swallowed it with a spoonful of milk. By
the time
he’d finished eating, the pain seemed to have reached its peak. He was
sweating
and felt weak.
He looked up and
Jeremy
wasn’t across from him. He looked around at a noise at the doorway and
saw the
boy with a wheelchair.
“The nurse said you
should
continue using this as much as possible until you’re able to walk
more,” Jeremy
said. He put the wheelchair beside Zach. “I think you need to lie down
for a
little bit. Later, when you’ve rested, we’ll practice walking.”
Zach wanted to say
a lot of
things about their new situation, but held his tongue as he didn’t know
Jeremy’s intentions. He knew he should ask, but he couldn’t bring
himself to do
anything other than let the boy help him.
Jeremy stopped the
chair at
the door to the bedroom, which Zach hadn’t been in for nearly a month.
The
painting of Miles beckoning that had hung over Paul’s bed at the
apartment was
now hanging over their bed.
“Bruce said he
wasn’t going
to have that hanging over his and Paul’s bed so he gave it to me,”
Jeremy said.
“I kind of like it because it reminds me of how good I felt when I made
love to
you. I want to feel that again, but I can’t right now.”
“Will you lie down
with me?”
Zach asked. Jeremy rolled the chair to the bed and stopped. Zach stood
up and
then sat down on the bed.
“No sex,” Jeremy
said.
“Sure, no sex,”
Zach said.
“You can’t imagine
how I felt
when Bruce told me what you did,” Jeremy said.
“No, I can’t
imagine,” Zach
said. He felt the younger boy snuggle up against him and he shut his
eyes. He’d
been having nightmares in the hospital and Doctor Cunningham had him on
a
different medicine. He wanted everything to be as it was, but knew he
was lucky
to have Jeremy beside him, helping him, and talking to him.
A hot August wind
seared
prairie grass and wheat stubble as a private jet turned into its final
approach
at Wichita’s Mid-Continent Airport. The four passengers were subdued,
friendship and
necessity casting conflicting emotions over their somber mission. An
older
middle-aged man and another barely in his twenties, sat forward in the
cabin
softly chatting inane drivel while flirting with each other as lovers
new to a
relationship often do without conscious involvement. The other two,
both in
their mid to late teens, were quiet, barely acknowledging the other’s
presence.
Love was in their expressions and subtle eye movements, but something
hung
between them, something too horrible to lay bare and be done with.
Zach was entering
his
sophomore year at North
Park the following
week, but first he had the physical
remains of his uncle, his aunt’s husband, to disperse upon nature as
was his
last request. His feet were tender and filled with pain most of his
waking
hours. He was still living with Jeremy. They shared a bed and home, but
that
was the extent of their relationship. He knew they were still deeply in
love
with each other, but his willingness to go with Derek to submit to the
sadist’s
evil intent sat between them like an overgrown clump of prickly pear.
Even though he was
on heavy
medication, Zach was still troubled with nightmares of Derek and, also,
Conan
had returned, sometimes in tandem with the sadist. He wasn’t getting
the sleep
he needed and he was going to need a lot of sleep once school started.
He knew
Jeremy didn’t want to talk about what happened, but it had to come out.
He had
to talk to Jeremy. Doctor Cunningham said that was the only way for the
demons
to be exorcised. His mind had to know Jeremy really loved him and had
forgiven
him. Otherwise, it was going to take a lot of counseling and a lot of
medication to get his life back, but it would never be the same as it
was; and,
even with Jeremy’s forgiveness, Zach might never get back to a life he
remembered as something close to being happy.
As he had since
coming home,
Zach sat beside Jeremy and stared out into space as if empty of all
emotion. He
didn’t know what more he could give to Jeremy. He promised, begged,
pleaded,
but nothing seemed to have an effect on the boy. His choice, as he was
beginning to believe, was to simply walk away from the relationship;
the
sooner, the better, for his own good.
They couldn’t go on
like they
were. Their nonexistence around each other was emotionally draining.
The only
problem with leaving, as Zach saw it, was how to do it because he was
still
basically immobile without Jeremy’s assistance. He wondered if he could
get to
school and attend classes as he couldn’t walk for barely a hundred
yards without
the pain becoming so bad he had to sit down. There was simply no way he
could
manage without Jeremy.
The plane landed,
taxied to
its parking spot, they all got out and carried their luggage to a
waiting green
Suburban. Paul drove out of the airport and headed toward Alva,
Oklahoma, which was southwest of Wichita and meant two-lane blacktop
all the way.
Zach and
Jeremy sat in the backseat in their subdued, gray funk, which neither
seemed
interested in clearing.
Zach was probably
the only
one who enjoyed the drive as it was across country that, while not
being too
familiar, still had enough similar features like burnt grass,
cornfields
turning brown, herds of cattle looking bored in the stifling heat,
small towns
full of dust covered pickups, and hardly any trees. After a few miles
he
realized North Park wasn’t such a bad place to live.
Their motel in Alva
was
across the street from a small college. It was a typical tornado
country
arrangement of single story buildings with lots of brick that was
easily turned
into projectiles if a twister happened by. Their adjoining rooms were
advertised
as being the finest in Northwestern
Oklahoma, but Zach
still
looked for the errant cockroach who hadn’t read the advertisement. He
found a
dead one hidden under the sink, the crisp smell of insecticide still
lingering
in the air. It was the faint line of mildew around the bathtub, though,
that
impressed Zach the most. He was happy they were only staying one night.
“What side do you
want?”
Jeremy asked.
“The right side,
like
always,” Zach said.
“I thought you
might want the
side closest to the bathroom,” Jeremy said.
“Why?”
“Well, because of
your feet,”
Jeremy said. He sat down on the edge of the bed and stared at the
floor. The
brown carpet had a noticeable worn path from the door to the bathroom.
“It’s all because
of my feet,
isn’t it?” Zach asked. He sat down beside Jeremy. “What’s to become of
us?”
The boy turned and
looked at
him as if Zach had plunged a dagger in his heart. He wrapped his arms
around
the older boy and pulled him into a tight embrace, but Zach felt little
emotion
in the act and he did not reciprocate.
After a long
moment, Jeremy
broke away and began to softly weep.
“I don’t know what
more I can
do,” Zach said. “I’ve said I was sorry this happened. I’ve told you, I
don’t
know how many times, that I know I hurt you by willingly going with
Derek. I’m
beginning to feel that maybe we should end this before it destroys both
of us.
I can’t go on just living with you. I love you too much to be with you
and not
have you love me, too.”
Zach scooted over
to Jeremy
and draped his arm across his lover’s shoulders. He softly kissed the
boy’s
neck. Jeremy still softly wept, but he leaned slightly against Zach as
if
accepting the invitation.
Without a word,
Jeremy got
off the bed and knelt down on the floor in front of Zach. He unzipped
the older
boy’s jeans and snaked his hand into the fly. Once he found the object
of
desire, he easily pulled the soft length of flesh out and began to kiss
it and
bathe it with his tongue.
As his cock
stiffened, Zach
wasn’t certain what to do. Was this Jeremy’s show? Was he expected to
appreciate
the act? Was this an apology or an act of submission? Was this goodbye
or
hello?
It had been a long
time,
though, and Zach couldn’t hold back, because Jeremy’s lips, tongue,
mouth, and
hands made him feel something he hadn’t felt in months. The orgasm came
on
quickly and powerfully. He began to breathe deeply and almost
instinctively
reached out and began to run his fingers through his lover’s hair. He
tensed
and then exploded.
Jeremy had trouble
getting it
all down and some of Zach’s cum leaked out and trickled down his dick
before
puddling in the dark forest at the base. It was not ignored, though,
because
Jeremy went about using his tongue and moist lips to clean all vestiges
of
ecstasy from the boy he loved.
“Tonight, I will
fuck you,”
Jeremy said after he put Zach’s now softening cock back where it
belonged.
“And, I’m not going to use a condom. I think I need to reestablish
ownership of
your hole and the only way I know how to do that is to put my cum
inside.
Tomorrow morning after you wake up, I will fuck you again. When we get
home
tomorrow night, before you go to bed, I will fuck you.”
“Okay,” Zach said.
The boy’s
voice was filled with anger and each “fuck” sounded like someone
hitting an
anvil with a hammer.
“If you don’t come
when I
fuck you,” Jeremy said, “I will suck you. I
want you
to know I very much want to hit you, but doing that will make me be
like my
father and you like my friend Derek. I don’t want you to be submissive
to me,
but, my dear boyfriend, your ass is mine and if it ever strays again I
swear
I’ll kill you.”
“You’d kill me?”
Jeremy pressed his
lips
against Zach’s and tried to force his tongue down his throat. He put
his hands
onto Zach’s chest and pinched the two nubbins of tender flesh slightly
protruding from under the t-shirt. Zach tried to pull back from the
pain, but
Jeremy held on increasing the pressure.
“You know what I
mean,”
Jeremy said after he broke the kiss. “But, I want you to know that all
is not
forgiven. You hurt me very much, probably much more than you realize,
but, damn
it, I love you, too.”
Both froze at the
knock on
the adjoining door.
“I’ll get it,”
Jeremy said.
He stood up and went to the door, but only opened it slightly.
“Yes?” he asked.
“No, we’re
busy right now. We’re talking. No, we can take care of it.”
Zach tried to hear
who was
talking to Jeremy, but the voice wasn’t loud enough.
“Oh, sorry, I guess
I forgot
that one,” Jeremy said as he brushed a couple fingers over his chin.
“Yeah,
thank you, but we need to work this out on our own.”
Oops, thought Zach,
nothing
like answering the door with cum dribbling down your chin.
“Okay, five o’clock, we’ll be out front,” Jeremy said. He shut
the door
and came back to the bed.
“Do you want to
fuck me now?”
Zach asked.
“No, it’s time for
me to
massage your feet,” Jeremy said, tersely. “Afterwards, I’ll give you a
pill and
you can have a short nap. I said I was going to fuck you tonight.”
The “fuck” was
another hammer
onto the anvil.
“Will you let me
suck you?”
Zach asked.
“No, and you can’t
give me a
hand-job, either,” Jeremy said, flatly. “For the time being, if I want
to come,
I’ll fuck you.”
Another hammer
struck the
anvil. Zach was beginning to get the picture. He might have started out
advertising his dick, but he’d always been willing to drop his drawers
for a
dick up his ass. Now, Jeremy was going to fuck him and not necessarily
do it in
a loving manner. This was retribution, pure and simple.
“But, you’ll kiss,
right?”
Zach asked.
“Yes, before I give
you an
orgasm,” Jeremy said, thoughtfully. “I haven’t decided if I’m going to
kiss you
before I fuck you. I might afterwards.”
“Okay, I don’t
deserve your
kindness,” Zach said. The slap was hard, stinging, but not totally
unexpected.
Zach stared at Jeremy and then diverted his eyes downward.
“Oh, god, Zach, I’m
sorry,”
Jeremy whimpered. He pulled the older boy into a tight hug and began to
weep,
again.
“No, I deserved
that,” Zach
said as he pushed himself out of the embrace. “Look at me, come on,
Jeremy,
look at me. Yeah, like that. I love you. I hurt you. I don’t deserve to
have
your love for me, but I’m willing to do whatever you think is necessary
to
repair the damage I’ve caused. If you want to fuck me hard without
feeling,
okay. If you want to hit me, do it.”
“No, it’s time for
your
massage,” Jeremy said. He stood up and looked down at Zach. Tears
dribbled down
his cheeks. His dick was hard.
“Come closer,” Zach
said.
“No, I don’t want
you to do
anything,” Jeremy said. “I have to do your foot massage.”
“Then I’ll come to
you,” Zach
said. He got down on the floor in front of Jeremy and had the younger
boy’s
pants and boxers down before Jeremy could react. “I know you want this.”
He took the
erection into his
mouth and began to massage the head with his tongue. It had been many
months
since he was this close to Jeremy’s cock. Zach took his time
remembering the
texture, taste, and feel of the tender skin against his lips and tongue
down
the entire length.
His right hand came
up
between Jeremy’s legs and his fingers began to gently manipulate the
balls.
They seemed fuller, more mature since the last time he’d held them. He
sought
that place on the back of the scrotum that drove the boy to ecstasy. He
lightly
touched it and Jeremy shuddered with a soft moan.
His other hand
reached around
and grabbed hold of the nearest butt cheek. His fingers slyly slipped
into that
special place where they could tempt with slight pressure. He wasn’t in
a hurry
and tried to coordinate his movements so his lover could be brought up
to the
edge of orgasmic pleasure. Zach knew where this was going and he didn’t
expect
a mouthful of cum.
Suddenly, he
stopped, stood
up, dropped his jeans and boxers and knelt on the bed.
“There’s lube in my
bag,” Zach
whispered.
“There’s some in
mine, too,”
Jeremy said.
“Or, do without if
you want,”
Zach said as he felt the head of Jeremy’s cock press against his hole
and he
focused on relaxing.
“No, we’ll do it
with,”
Jeremy said, as he pulled away. “I don’t really like going without.”
“Well, you two
certainly seem
chipper,” Paul said as Zach and Jeremy walked into the
dining room
at the hotel a few hours later. There seemed to be a lot of people as
if this
was the only restaurant in the town that served supper. “Did you two
finally
make up?”
“Kinda,” Jeremy
whispered. He
looked at Zach, who just smiled.
“We have a lot of
work to do
yet,” Zach said, “but I think we’re on the right track. Right, Jeremy?”
“Yeah, as opposed
to the left
track which goes to Poughkeepsie,” Jeremy said with a devilish grin.
“Yeah, you two are
on the
right track,” Paul said. “Which is good because we have a surprise for
you,
Zach.”
“What?” Zach asked
as he gave
Paul a puzzled look.
“Behind you,” Paul
said.
Zach turned and saw
a woman
he hadn’t seen in over a year. Tears trickled down her tanned cheeks
and the
biggest smile was spread across her face. She opened her arms and Zach
practically fell into his mother’s embrace.
He tried not
crying, but it
was no use. She held him tightly and then he felt her loosen her arms.
He
pulled out and looked into her sad eyes.
“I don’t
understand, Mom,”
Zach said.
“Come, let’s sit
down and get
out of this crowd,” she said. They slipped into the nearest empty booth
and sat
opposite.
She looked older
than he
remembered. The lines and crevices on her face dug deeply into once
smooth
skin. Her open collared, yellow checked blouse showed she’d been to the
beach
more than a few times. Her brown hair was lighter with more white
showing. Her
smile was still warm and welcoming.
“The simple answer
is I’ve
left your father,” she said. “Louise has been helping me and she found
me a
good job in Tulsa.”
He thought for a
moment to
ponder the implications of those words. Did this change anything toward
what he
felt about his father?
“Then when David
died and he
was generous with nearly everyone, including me. Louise said that you
ended up
with almost all of Dickie’s inheritance and I was happy for you.”
She took his hands
in hers
and firmly held them. She smiled.
“And, then Louise
took me to
a PFLAG meeting and I met some other mothers and fathers who have sons
and
daughters who are gay.”
The word sparkled
in Zach’s
mind. She hadn’t said homo, queer, fag, or any other derogatory word.
Maybe there
was hope again.
“I’ll admit that
I’m still
not completely comfortable, especially when I heard our reunion had to
be
delayed because you, what exactly happened? I don’t completely
understand how
you could put yourself in a position where you’d be hurt.”
“Mom, I made what I
hope is
the biggest mistake of my life,” Zach said. He held her hands and felt
a tear
dribble down his cheek. He looked around and saw the back of Jeremy’s
head a
couple booths away. “I didn’t know what was going to happen when Derek
took me
to his basement and put the blindfold on me. Maybe I should’ve stopped
him at
that moment, but couldn’t imagine he was a murderer. I went into it
with my
eyes focused on the wrong thing. I turned my back on the boy I love and
don’t
deserve his continued love for me.”
“Tell me about
Jeremy,” she
said. “I hear from his grandfather he’s quite a boy.”
“You’ve talked to
Bud?” Zach
asked.
She smiled with a
soft
chuckle.
“Boy, you don’t
know how much
trouble you almost got yourself into,” she said. “But everything is
going to be
okay from now on. The company I work for has a marketing office in
Seattle and they’ll let me transfer out there if
you’ll have
me.”
“Well, of course,
I’ll let
you live with me,” Zach said. Then he stopped and remembered Jeremy. He
looked
into her eyes, but didn’t see any hint of sadness. There was something
else she
had to say, but he wanted to get his situation on the table first.
“But, Mom,
I’m, well, you see, I’m.”
“You’re living with
Jeremy,”
she said. “I know all about it, but you two need an adult in that home,
too.
You may be eighteen, but Jeremy is only sixteen and still needs a
little
guidance. I know, well, I’ve been told, Zach, this isn’t easy for me to
talk
about. All those years in your father’s church and hearing that hatred,
well,
it’s hard for me to accept that my son, my beautiful little boy is,
well, in
love with another boy.”
“Mom, please, I
can’t live
without him,” Zach said.
“How’re your feet?”
She
asked.
“Better,” he said,
thankful
she changed the subject. “Jeremy massages them two or three times a
day. My
therapist showed him what to do and she checks his technique now and
then when
I go in for physical therapy. I’m still not certain I can go to school
this
fall. There’s still a lot of pain and, of course, there are the
occasional
nightmares so I don’t get the sleep I need. Jeremy has been so good to
me when
I didn’t deserve anything from him.”
“I’m sure we’ll be
able to
figure out someway for you to continue your education,” she said. She
smiled.
“You know, Bud isn’t such a bad guy. He was very disappointed in you,
but we
had a lot of long talks.”
“Yeah, Bud hasn't said a word to me since,” Zach said. He wondered if
all was forgiven there, too. He could only hope.
“Zach, we know that
you’ll be
in a lot of pain tomorrow at the service because a lot of people are
going to
be there and everyone will want to say something about how David
affected there
lives. It’s all going to be very informal out by that trickle of dirty
water,
but it’s okay if you don’t go. David really meant this to be our
reunion,
anyway. That’s why he wrote you that note. He sent me a note, too.
According to
Louise, David sent out a lot of notes that day.”
“Fuck!” Zach
exclaimed and
immediately regretted the outburst.
“Zach!”
“Oh, sorry, Mom, I
guess I
didn’t really know him,” Zach said. “Why didn’t you come and see me
when I was
in the burn center?”
“Because, well,
what you did hurt
me, too,” she said.
He could tell she
was trying
to smile, but the thought of him willingly going with a man who enjoyed
making
other men hurt, obviously did set to well in her mind.
“But, Louise helped
me a lot
and Paul called often,” she said. “Bud was a bit difficult at first,
but I
think my willingness to move up there and live with the two of you,
helped to
change his opinion of you. For quite a few days there, it looked as if
I might
have to go up to bring you back to Tulsa.”
“God, I knew I
screwed up
when I woke up in the hospital in Montana,” Zach said. “But Jeremy has
been so patient
with me
and he’s always there to help me with everything I need. Would you like
to meet
him now?”
“I think that would
be
wonderful,” she said with a smile.
Zach waved at Paul,
who
nudged Jeremy. In a moment, the boy he loved was at their booth.
“Hi,” Jeremy said.
“Did she
tell you she’s going to live with us? Grandfather told me before you
got out of
the hospital, but I had to keep it a secret.”
“Yeah, she told
me,” Zach
said as Jeremy scooted in beside his mother. “You knew she was going to
live
with us and you, uh, well, you know, didn’t say anything and then you
said all those other things.”
“You know I've had trouble with this,” Jeremy said. “Then we got down
here and you came up with
that
ultimatum, what else was I suppose to do? You know I love you, but are
you
happy now?”
“I’m happier than
I’ve been
since I found out I was gay,” Zach said as he looked across the table
at the
two people he loved most.
THE END
____________
Author’s Note: Well, there you have it. I know this could go
on with Mother and Son living with Boyfriend, but not this time around
because
I can’t see anything bad happening for quite a while; and, well, I like
bad
things happening to people because, to me, it makes a better story when
you can
move a character from bad to good.
Thanks to all who
have
written; even to those who didn’t like what was happening to the
characters. Like the old saying goes, you can't satisfy all the people
all the time.