This
story
concerns adult and teenage gay
males who may be involved in sexual situations. If it is illegal for
you to
read such stories, or if you do not like to read such stories, please
leave
now.
This
story is
copyright 2006 by the author who retains all rights.
This
is a work
of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents
either are the product of the author's imagination or are used
fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is
entirely coincidental.
WARNING!!
This chapter contains a suicide
scene. The scene takes place in this story for character development
and
disposition. The author apologizes to those who are offended by violent
acts
occurring in his stories and understands if you choose not to continue
following this story.
This is my
third submission to Nifty. My
previous submissions can be found in the High School section under
Kiel’s Story. Any comments or questions are
welcome at: carl_holiday@att.net.
A warm
thank you goes out to all who
write. I appreciate knowing someone is actually reading this stuff,
whether you
like it or not. I try to answer all emails, even flames. (I’m a writer,
I live
for rejection.) Although sometimes it takes a little time to get back
to
you, I do
try to answer. If I'm remiss in replying to yours, I apologize.
The Pastel Cowboy
by Carl Holiday
Chapter
7 – Goodbye Zach
Bruce and Jerry
were sitting
at their regular table when Zach walked into the Union on Monday. He
bought a tuna salad sandwich and an iced tea then went
over to
the table.
“Hey, the prodigal
child
returns,” Bruce said. “Haven’t seen much of you, but who was that cute
kid with
you at Gay Pride? We didn’t see you at the parade, and then only
briefly around
the street fair. You were on the other side of the street and then you
were
gone.”
“Jeremy wanted to
see what it
was all about,” Zach said, thinking back to Saturday afternoon and
Jeremy
whining on and on about never meeting any queers except Derek, his
father, grandfather,
and Zach.
“He looked kind of
young, who
is he?” Jerry asked.
“What were you
doing there?”
Zach asked.
“Bruce and I went
in drag.”
“You made him wear
women’s
clothes?”
“Hey, it was his
idea to
where a bra, not mine,” Bruce said. “I was perfectly happy to go as
René, but,
no, we have to wear sun dresses and wigs and the whole shtick.”
“You two must have
been
precious, too bad we didn’t see you. Jeremy would’ve loved you two.”
“So, what’s with
the kid?”
Bruce asked. “He looked a little young to me.”
“He’s sixteen.
Don’t look at
me like that. I’m only seventeen. I don’t turn eighteen until October.”
“I’m still
seventeen, too,”
Jerry said. “I don’t turn eighteen till next month.”
“Babies! I’m
surrounded by
babies,” Bruce said.
“Next month? You
mean we get
to throw you a birthday party?” Zach said. “Bruce? We’ve got some
serious
planning to do.”
“Hey, fine, but
what’s with
the kid?”
“I won’t tell you
how we met,
but we’re very, very good friends.”
“I’ve seen that
look! You’re
in love with the kid.”
“Come on, Bruce,
not so loud.
Everybody doesn’t need to know I’m balling a sixteen year old boy.”
“Oh, my god! You’re
not! Tell
me you’re not.”
“Isn’t there a law
against
that?” Jerry asked.
“Only if I’m like
an adult.
I’m not, by the way.”
“Oh, yes you are,”
Bruce
whispered. “I know that lustful look. We were too far away, but from
what I
could see it looked like he’s got a nice ass, for a sixteen year old,
that is.”
“Will you get off
the sixteen
year old shit? But, as long as you want to talk about it, do you know
any
fifteen or sixteen year old boys who are looking for a boyfriend?”
“What? You want to
get rid of
him?” Jerry asked.
“He’s still in high
school.
He’s got two years to go, besides he lives with his grandfather in a
huge house
up on Foundry Ridge.”
“You know someone
from
Foundry Ridge?” Bruce asked. “And, you want to get rid of him? What are
you
some kind of fool?”
“What’s Foundry
Ridge?” Jerry
asked.
“Where all the
money is,”
Zach said. “It’s that long hill on the other side of Oak Park
Boulevard. You know, the one with all the mansions on
it.”
“You know someone
who’s
rich?” Jerry asked.
“He’s not rich,
just his
grandfather.”
“And, who is the
grandfather?” Bruce asked.
“Charles McDonald,
he wants
me to call him Bud. He’s got this huge model train layout above his
garage, but
he won’t let the kids up there. He said it was an adult toy.”
“You call him Bud?”
Jerry
asked.
“No, I call him
sir. Bugs the
heck out of him. He tries to be so unrich. Like one of the guys. All
buddy-buddy. It’s weird.”
“Hey, isn’t Sara’s
last name
McDonald?” Jerry asked. “Oh, my god, you’re screwing Sara’s little
brother.”
“Not her little
brother,
that’s Paul.”
“You know the
family?” Bruce
asked.
“I was invited to
Paul’s
birthday party Saturday, but Jeremy bugged me into taking him down to
Gay
Pride. We got out of there when we ran into a bunch of guys dressed up
in
leather like his dad.”
“Sara’s dad is a
fag?” Jerry
asked.
“This wouldn’t have
anything
to do with the Charles McDonald, Jr., who was in this morning’s paper,
would
it?” Bruce asked.
“Yeah, the one and
only. What
did the article say?”
“That he tried to
plead
guilty to sexual assault on a minor and the judge rejected his plea. It
wasn’t
one of the kids, was it?”
“No, Jeremy’s best
friend.
Or, at least, his old best friend. Mr. McDonald is a sadist. They were
into
some heavy BDSM and the kid got burned real bad.”
“What’s BDSM?”
Jerry asked.
“Bondage,
domination, sadomasochism,”
Bruce said.
Jerry looked like
he didn’t
have a clue.
“It’s when two
people get
together and one of them likes to be tied up and beaten and the other
one likes
to tie people up and beat them. I’ve heard it can be a great turn-on,
if you’re
into that kind of shit. I’ve also heard under the right circumstances
it can be
rather involved, too.”
“Yeah, those two
were
definitely involved,” Zach said. “From what Jeremy was saying, Derek
was
definitely into being dominated. A regular toady.”
“What’s a toady?”
Jerry
asked.
“Look it up in a
dictionary,”
Bruce said. “So, other than the sixteen year old you’re fucking, what
else has
been going on? We haven’t seen you much, except when Jerry sees you in
class.
It’s almost as if you’re avoiding us.”
“I’m not fucking
the kid,
okay? And, well, about the other thing, yeah, I was avoiding you guys.”
“Jealous?”
“Yeah, a little.”
“Of who?” Jerry
asked.
Zach stared at him.
“Oh, you mean, you
liked me,
but then it was Bruce and me, and then you were left out.”
“Three’s a crowd,”
Zach said.
“Not with us,”
Bruce said.
“But, we will tell you when it’s time to leave so we can start making
out.”
“We don’t make
out,” Jerry
said.
“See Zach? We don’t
make out.
We just sit around and make goo-goo eyes at each other. Actually, we’ve
been
too busy getting Jerry up to speed with his college papers to have any
time for
anything that might lead to sex. Not that I wouldn’t mind, Jerry, if
you ever
have that kind of interest in me.”
“I was waiting for
you to
make the first move. You’re the one who’s been around the block.”
“What? Me? Don’t
let this get
out, but I’ve never, ever done it, okay?”
“You’re a virgin?”
Jerry
asked.
“Yeah, aren’t we
all? Well,
except for Zach, of course. You’re not a virgin, are you?”
“Nope, I’ve been
around the
block a couple times.”
“We could have a
pool party,”
Jeremy said a couple weeks later as he and Zach relaxed at the side of
the pool
after a few warm up laps.
“What’s this we
stuff?” Zach
asked. It bugged him how Jeremy seemed to worm into his life. Steven
hardly
cared what Zach did during the day. Jeremy, on the other hand, once
asked Zach
whether he folded the toilet paper before wiping his ass or just
bunched it up
into a wad. Did he use an electric toothbrush or do it the old
fashioned way?
Little, everyday things seemed to be what interested Jeremy the most.
Zach had put a stop
to the
twice daily calls, allowing Jeremy one call in the evening before bed,
but even
those were wearing on his nerves. He just wasn’t into stuff that seemed
to
interest city kids. He didn’t listen to Jeremy’s music, didn’t play
video
games, and didn’t like to hang out at the mall.
“I want to meet
your friends,”
Jeremy said. He pushed himself away from the wall, floating on his
back. He
didn’t seem interested in a workout. Zach followed him.
“I haven’t met any
of yours,”
Zach said. Then he remembered the birthday party. “No, I guess I did
meet all
of your friends. Didn’t I?”
“Yeah, you did. Not
that any
of them don’t want to meet you under better circumstances, but you
know, they’d
be kind of nervous.”
“You’d be kind of
nervous,
you mean.”
“Yeah, but we could
have a
little party here. Raul could do burgers or tacos, maybe, steaks, if
you
brought them. It’d be just the four of us, and, well probably Paul and
maybe
Grandfather, but he wouldn’t stay. He’d just want to meet everyone. He
does
that.”
“Yeah, I know,”
Zach said
thinking back to the Saturday when he brought Jeremy home from Gay
Pride. Bud
had been up in the hobby room when they drove up and called for them
when they entered
the house. He asked Zach if he had a condom in his wallet like he
suggested.
Jeremy looked like he wanted to crawl into a corner and die.
Jeremy dove under
the surface
and headed for the bottom. Zach knew what was going to happen, but
wasn’t in
the mood for play. Steven still troubled him. It’d been nearly three
weeks
since the breakdown and he still hadn’t been able to see his friend. In
desperation,
he called Aunt Jenny who told him Steven was in what she called
intensive
therapy and couldn’t see visitors. She, also, said she put him on the
list of
visitors Steven was allowed to see. She said it might be four months
before
Steven was stable enough for outside visitors, but more likely two or
three.
She did suggest he
write
Steven a letter or two, not daily, but at least a couple a week. He
didn’t have
to say much of anything, just that he was thinking of Steven and
patiently
waiting for the day when Steven could come home. Zach started writing
and
waited for a reply, none came. He wasn’t certain the letters were even
reaching
his friend. Another call to Aunt Jenny resulted in a mild rebuke. These
things
took time and Zach had to be patient. Steven would come back, in time.
She did
say Steven was receiving the letters, but she didn’t know if he was
reading
them or if he was even allowed to read them.
Zach made it back
to the side
of the pool before Jeremy surfaced and called out, “Hey! Where’d you
go?”
“Over here, honey,
I’m over
here,” Zach said pulling himself out of the water. He went over and sat
on one
of the lounge chairs. A party here at the house might be nice, he
thought to
himself. It would definitely be innocent and safe. He just wished he
could find
Jeremy a younger playmate. He was tiring of the boy’s childishness.
“Don’t call me
honey,” Jeremy
said sitting down on the chair beside Zach. “Why can’t we have a party
here?”
“I didn’t say we
couldn’t. Now
that you’ve suggested it, I will talk to Bruce and Jerry. They might be
interested.”
“Great! I’ll ask
Grandfather
if it’ll be okay. I met Roger’s brother today. You know, Johnny? I told
you
about him.”
“Oh, yeah, I guess
you did.
Is he cute?”
“Yeah, I suppose.”
“What’d you do?
Kiss?”
“No! We talked a
little bit about
stuff and played video games.”
“Sounds like you
had a boring
time.”
“No, he’s kind of
neat,
really. He lives with his mother.”
“Roger doesn’t live
with
them?”
“No! Roger lives
with his dad
and his mother. Look, it’s like this. Roger’s dad was, well, he liked a
lot of
girls in college and, well, I guess, he wasn’t too much into using
condoms.”
“So he got two
girls
pregnant.”
“Yeah, at almost
the same
time, too.”
“He married Roger’s
mother,
but has to pay support for Johnny, too.”
“He must be rich,
or
something.”
“He sells real
estate for the
family business. But, you know, Johnny is only three months younger
than me.
He’s a sophomore at Juanita Academy. It’s not as good as St. Xavier’s,
but they
do have a
good football team. He’s a linebacker. They beat us last year and the
year
before that.”
“Sounds like you
two hit it
off pretty good.”
Zach stared at the
water
waiting for Jeremy to respond. He was hoping this might be the boy to
get
Jeremy’s mind off of him, after all Johnny was supposed to be gay.
“Zach?”
“Yes?”
“You’re not mad,
are you?”
“Should I be?”
“We didn’t do
anything.”
“Jeremy, it’s okay.
Really.”
“You sure.”
“You can see Johnny
all you
want. He’s probably got more in common with you than I do.”
“We did kiss a
little.”
“Well, you’re a
good kisser
so he probably enjoyed himself.”
“Can I invite him
to Jerry’s
party?”
“I think that would
be a good
idea.”
“Zach?”
“Yeah?”
“Can we go up to my
room and
do it? I want to feel you in me. Please?”
One last fuck,
thought Zach.
He kind of wanted the same from Jeremy.
Roger and Johnny
came to the
party. Sara made a point of being there, too. The party reminded Zach
of beach
parties out at Glasgow Beach on Lake Eufaula when he was younger and
not gay. It was all
so
innocent, just a bunch of teens getting together for some sun, music,
and food.
Raul, the McDonald’s cook, prepared a superb picnic with potato salad,
barbecued tenderloin, baked beans, and a wonderful chocolate birthday
cake with
fudge frosting and eighteen candles.
Jeremy, Paul,
Roger, Johnny,
and Sara were shooting hoops when Zach pulled into the driveway. Johnny
was
nearly as tall as Jeremy, but built more like the football player he
was. In
some ways, he looked a couple years older than Jeremy whose body was
made for a
swimming and gymnastics. They made a good match with Jeremy’s very dark
hair
and Johnny’s sun bleached sandy hair. Zach watched how they interacted
with one
another as the basketball moved between them. Their eyes told him he
wouldn’t
be in Jeremy’s life much longer. He smiled at that thought.
Bud came out of the
house about
the same time Zach, Bruce and Jerry climbed out of the Ranger. Jeremy
and Zach
handled the introductions, then Bud took Jerry off to the side. While
they were
quietly talking, Zach saw Jerry perk up a bit, then they walked back
into the
house. Zach went over to Bruce, who was talking to Sara.
“No, we live over
by the
celery farm,” Bruce said. “Or, that’s what it was before they put in
that new
parking lot for North Park Community College. Well, maybe, a lot longer
than that. To
everyone in
our neighborhood, that empty field was always called the celery farm. I
don’t
even know if whoever used to have a farm there grew celery, but I
suppose they
must have.”
“You know, you
don’t have any
facial hair,” Sara said. “You’re almost like an Indian. Do you have
some
distant relative who was Indian?”
“Not that I know
of,” Bruce
said. “We’re all from Scotland, I think. Maybe some far distant
relative
was a
sailor and brought back a native wife, but I doubt that. My people
worked the
land, then ended up in factories before emigrating to America. Well,
actually, to Canada first. My father’s Canadian, but his
brother, my
Uncle Bill, was born down here.”
“Where’s Bud taking
Jerry?”
Zach asked.
“And, Uncle Bill is
a lot
like me, too,” Bruce said. “He’s got less body hair than I do. But,
he’s not
into cross-dressing like me.”
“You’re kidding,
right?” Sara
asked.
“No, I make a good
looking
woman. At least, that’s what Zach thinks.”
“What’s with Bud
and Jerry?”
Zach asked.
“Don’t you think I
look good
in drag?” Bruce asked.
“Ohmigod! You’re
not gay, are
you?” Sara asked.
“Yeah,
René’s sweet!” Zach
said. “Calm down, Sara, you and Roger are welcome at the party, too.”
“If it was your
birthday,
you’d get to play with Grandfather’s trains,” Sara said.
“I’ve already
played with
Bud’s choo-choo,” Zach said.
“That’s because
you’re like
him,” Sara said.
“Like who?” Bruce
asked.
“Bud likes boys,”
Zach said.
“Wow! And, he took
Jerry,
where?” Bruce asked.
“To play with the
trains,”
Zach said. “Come on, I’ll show you.”
“You can’t go up
there,
uninvited,” Sara said.
“Sure I can, Bud
likes me
’cause I’m a boy,” Zach said. “But, I’m sure you’ll be welcome, too,
Sara. Come
on, let’s go.”
After dropping
Bruce off at
his home, Zach and Jerry headed back toward the dorm. It had been quite
a
birthday party, Jerry even received a few gifts. Yet, nothing seemed to
brighten him.
“Do you want to
stop for some
coffee and talk?” Zach asked as they neared the little shopping area
next to
campus.
“No, I’m kind of
tired. I
think I need to lie down for a while.”
“Is there something
wrong?
You’ve been in a dark mood all day.”
“It’s nothing
really. Just
family problems, it’ll be okay in a little bit. I just need to sleep.”
“Okay, I’ll take us
home.”
“Home? God! Is that
what that
building is?”
“Home is where the
heart is,
and that’s where I park my heart.”
“Fuck!”
“What’s wrong
Jerry?”
“Nothing you can
fix, but
it’ll be alright soon. I’ve got a plan.”
“You sure? I mean,
I’ve
already been through family shit, maybe I can help.”
“No, I’ll take care
of it.
It’s nothing, really.”
When Zach came to a
stop in
the parking lot, Jerry practically jumped out of the Ranger and ran
toward the
dorm.
“Hey, buddy! You
forgot your
gifts,” Zach yelled.
Jerry stopped and
stood very
still for a moment as if trying to decide if he wanted to go back for
the
gifts. Then he turned and walked back to Zach who was holding the boxes.
“Are you sure
you’re
alright?” Zach asked.
“Yeah, I’m okay.
It’ll be
alright soon.”
“I don’t know,
Jerry, you
don’t sound too good.”
“I just need to
sleep. It’ll
be alright in the morning.”
They walked to the
door
without saying anything further. Zach had that familiar queasy feeling
in his
gut, but Jerry said he was okay so he couldn’t figure out what else to
do. He
held the door and they went to the elevators. When the elevator door
opened at
Zach’s floor he turned to Jerry, but his friend looked as if he was
miles away.
“Are you sure
you’re okay?”
Zach asked.
“Yeah, it’ll be
better soon.
I know what to do.”
Zach got out and
went to his
room. The queasy feeling was turning into nausea and he began to wonder
what
was in the birthday cake. He went into the toilet, but after bending
over the porcelain
receptacle and not getting anything to come up, he went back into his
room.
Something was up with Jerry. He knew it. Something was wrong, but he
couldn’t
put a finger on it.
He sat on his bed
and
realized it was nine o’clock Saturday
night and he didn’t have anywhere to go. He couldn’t see Steven and
Jeremy had
gone off with Johnny for a sleepover. He wondered if he’d been right in
pushing
Jeremy away. It certainly made for a lonely Saturday night. He went
over to the
desk and started working on some homework.
After awhile his
cell phone
began to chirp. The clock said ten-thirty. Maybe it was Jeremy. He
picked it
up.
“Hello?”
“Zach?”
“Jerry?”
“I’m sorry.”
“Sorry? What?”
“They said if you
used a
really sharp knife it wouldn’t hurt, but it hurts like hell. Zach?”
“Where are you?”
“In the toilet,
third stall.
Oh, Zach, it hurts.”
“I’m coming!”
Zach ran out of his
room and
stopped at the elevators for a second, pushing the up button. He
couldn’t wait
and went to the stairwell. Jerry was up two floors and at the opposite
end of
the building. It seemed to take forever. When he got to Jerry’s quad
there were
a couple students standing beside the door to the bathroom.
“Hey! You know what
that
smell is?” one of them asked.
“Blood! Have either
of you
called an ambulance?” Zach asked.
“No, why? Oh, shit!”
“I’ll call,” Zach
said. “Go
get the RA and you go with him so he doesn’t get lost. Hurry!”
“Jerry?”
“Zach.” It was
barely a
whisper and not a question.
Zach opened the
door to the
third stall and saw Jerry sitting with blood running out of his wrists.
It
wasn’t spurting, so Zach suspected Jerry missed an artery. He saw a box
cutter
on the floor. There was a lot of blood on the floor, too, but Zach
hoped it was
not enough.
The 9-1-1 operator said an ambulance was on the way,
someone
had already called. He told her he was with Jerry and would do what he
could to
stop the bleeding.
“This isn’t a
solution, you
know that?” Zach said while pulling off his t-shirt and tearing it into
strips
for tourniquets.
“They said they’re
not my
parents anymore,” Jerry whispered. “I’m eighteen and they don’t have to
be
responsible for me.”
“That’s stupid.
Raise your
hands above your heart.”
“They couldn’t make
babies so
after nearly ten years they adopted me. Two years later Mom got
pregnant. His
name is Michael. Two years after that Matthew came. Two years later
Maryanne
came and they moved me down to the basement because they didn’t have
room for
four kids up stairs.
“God, it hurts,
Zach. I
wasn’t much more than a dog to them. They fed and clothed me, gave me a
roof
over my head. There wasn’t any heat in the basement. In the summer it
was
great, but in the winter I had to use an electric blanket to keep from
freezing. God, I hated them.
“Is that a siren?
You got the
bleeding stopped. You’re good Zach. I tried Bruce, but he yelled at me.
Told me
I was a stupid fuck for doing this. What’s wrong with him?”
“I don’t know.”
“Are they coming? I
don’t
feel so good. They said Julie Winters saw me with Bruce. They said
Julie said
Bruce was a faggot. That’s what they called him. They said I wasn’t any
better
than him. I told them. I did. I said, ‘He’s my friend. He’s helping me
study.’
It didn’t matter. They said they won’t pay anymore for my education.
After this
term I’ll have to take care of it myself. I don’t have money, Zach. I
can’t, I
can’t. Zach?”
“It’ll be okay,
Jerry,” Zach
said not knowing what more he could do.
“We’ll take over
now,” a
voice said behind Zach. He turned and saw a paramedic with rubber
gloves. The
nametag said “Barbara.”
“I got the bleeding
stopped,”
Zach said, stepping out of the stall.
“Thanks, he’ll be
okay,”
Barbara said.
Zach stood out of
the way as
the paramedics worked on Jerry getting him ready for transport. Then,
as they
were going out the door, he asked, “Where are you taking him?”
“North Park
Memorial, they
have a psychiatric unit,” Barbara said.
“Oh, yeah, of
course,” Zach
mumbled realizing Jerry was probably going to need that kind of
treatment, too.
He looked at the
blood on the
floor and then noticed it was all over his hands and jeans. The queasy
feeling
was gone, too. He called Sara and told her to tell her grandfather. He
said he
would meet them at the hospital.
By the time Zach
reached the
hospital, Bud was calling in reinforcements in the person of the
hospital
director, a personal friend. Money talks, but not to a weekend relief
emergency
room admittance clerk who knows family is much more powerful than
money. That
Jerry had no family, now, seemed to be irrelevant. Family was needed
for
signatures. North Park Memorial was a private hospital, not public.
Financial
responsibility had to be established and it could only be assigned by
family,
either in person, by email or fax, or a telephone call. That they’d
already
informed the hospital they didn’t have a son name Jerry didn’t seem to
matter,
either.
“Where’s Jerry?”
Zach asked
Sara who was sitting in the waiting area with Paul, who was leaning
against her
arm asleep.
“Up in surgery,”
Sara said.
“They won’t tell us anything because we’re not family.”
“He doesn’t have
any family,
now,” Zach said sitting down across from her. Paul opened his eyes,
looked at
Zach, then walked over and sat down beside him. He leaned against Zach
and went
back to sleep.
“Well, I guess we
know who he
loves,” Sara said. “You can keep him as far as I’m concerned.”
“You don’t mean
that,” Zach
said.
“Do you know why?
You know,
why Jerry did it to himself?”
“Yeah, his family
told him to
take a hike.”
“How can parents do
that?”
“He was adopted and
then,
suddenly, they could make babies on their own. I guess he had it pretty
rough
not being related by blood like their other three children.”
“Is that any reason
to kill
yourself?”
“I don’t think so,
but Jerry
was under a lot of pressure from them. Maybe he thought his future was
so bleak
he felt death would be better. I don’t know.”
“Well, he’s got
Grandfather
on his side now.”
“What?”
“Grandfather is
going to help
him. When he leaves here he’ll be coming home with us. Are you going to
see
Jeremy anymore?”
“I don’t think so.
He’s got
Johnny.”
“What if he calls
you?”
“I’ll try to talk
to him. I’m
not cutting him off completely, but he needs friends his own age and
interests.
I can’t talk to him. We don’t listen to the same music. We don’t like
the same
television programs. Sara, I’ve inseminated cows, castrated calves,
shot
rattlesnakes, strung enough barbwire around three sections of pasture
to last a
lifetime, and was beaten senseless so many times in the past year I’m
beginning
to wonder if all this is real or just a dream I’m having while lying
comatose
in a nursing home in Hannaford, Oklahoma. We don’t have anything in
common.”
As he was saying
this, Zach
thought about the wonderful sex he was having with Jeremy. That was the
one
thing they did have in common, but sex couldn’t be enough to keep their
relationship going. After all, he had Steven; or, at least he hoped
Steven was
coming back to him. Jeremy couldn’t be anything more than a fuck-buddy,
a
really cute fuck-buddy, but nothing more than that.
“Inseminated cows?”
“Yeah, you don’t
want to
know.”
“But, how?”
“You need a really
long
rubber glove.”
“Eew! You’re right,
I don’t
want to know.”
“I told you. Did
Jeremy say
anything to you?”
“Yeah, this morning
before
anyone showed up. He was upset because you haven’t spoken to him since
last
Saturday. I told him basically the same thing. You know, you’re in
college,
you’re more mature. He practically cried on my shoulder.”
“If he calls, I’ll
try to
talk to him,” Zach said imagining himself comforting the boy. He didn’t
want to
be there when it happened, the final realization that they weren’t
meant to be.
“What if he asks
you to come
to the house?”
“Oh, god, Sara, you
don’t
know what Jeremy means to me.”
“Yeah, I do. You
love him and
you want to let him go.”
“Hey, kids, Jerry
will be in
surgery for another few hours,” Bud said sitting down next to Sara. “He
did a
lot of damage to the tendons with that box cutter. Practically cut his
hands
off. The docs were surprised he didn’t loose that much blood, but I
guess his
arteries weren’t where they were supposed to be. He’s going to need a
lot of
care in the coming months. Oh, and Zach, thank you for calling. Were
you
there?”
“Yeah, I stopped
the bleeding
before the paramedics arrived. He called me. I guess he wasn’t really
ready to
go.”
“Did Sara tell you
about
Jerry living with us?”
“Yes, sir, I think
that’s a
great idea. His parents won’t do anything.”
“I know, I talked
to them.
I’m afraid I kind of lost it and called his father a homophobic bastard
who
didn’t deserve a boy as good as Jerry. He hung up on me and wouldn’t
answer
when I called back. As far as I’m concerned Jerry won’t have to deal
with those
people ever again.”
Bruce was gone. It
was as simple
as that. He didn’t return calls or emails. His parents wouldn’t talk
when he
went to their house. Instead, his mother asked if Zach was one of their
son’s
homo friends. It irked him that they were more concerned about his
sexual
orientation than whether he might be their son’s friend.
He wondered if most
parents
were like this. He couldn’t understand how his, Jerry’s, and now
Bruce’s
parents could totally reject a child, someone they raised to adulthood.
It was
as if all those runny noses, skinned knees, nightmares, and all the
other
childhood maladies paled in comparison to their hatred of homosexuals,
especially the fruit of their loins.
Zach had little to
go on and,
well, he really wasn’t all that interested.
He still had to
part with
Jeremy. He hoped it would be amicably. Two days after Jerry’s suicide,
he’d
gone back to the McDonald house and made love with Jerry. It was just
as it
always had been, something so beautiful he didn’t want to let it go.
Then he
listened to Jerry go on and on about what a neat guy Johnny was and how
they
were going to start hanging together. They’d kissed on the sleepover
and,
according to Jeremy, gotten naked together in bed, though, they didn’t
sleep
together or do anything sexual like he and Zach were doing. Zach
stopped
listening and wondered how long he was going to put up with Jerry. What
he
really wanted to know was whether they could remain friends after the
breakup.
Jerry moved into
the McDonald
house on Thursday. They gave him a guest suite on the second floor. He
was more
subdued than before, but Bud said most of that was due to medication.
He was
paying for a psychiatrist on top of paying whatever Jerry’s parents
weren’t
going to pay for the hospital stay.
“We’re kind of
concerned
about the damage he did to the tendons in his wrist,” Bud said as Zach
sat with
him in the workshop next to the train layout. “And, the very real
possibility
of serious nerve damage. And, of course, there’s his mental state. His
parents
totally fucked that kid. Will you be able to help him study for his
finals?”
“Yes, sir, I’ll do
anything
to help,” Zach said wishing Bruce hadn’t gone off, wherever. “He only
has a
final in calculus. Doctor Jeffers said he’ll take a paper if one is
needed.
I’ve gotten all A pluses, so I don’t need to do a final paper. I’ll
check and
see what we need to do about Jerry.”
“That’s alright.
I’ll talk to
Dickie. Maybe we can work something out. Where are you going to stay
between
terms?”
“What?”
“They close the
dorms between
summer and autumn terms. Most kids go home, but that’s not an option
for you.”
“Jeez, I don’t
know. Maybe
I’ll call my uncle. He might have a room I can use for a month.”
“You can stay here.”
“No, that won’t
work.”
“You and Jeremy
still seeing
each other?”
“I’m trying to
break it off,
but I don’t want to hurt him. And, well, I want to stay friends, if
only so I
can come and see Jerry.”
“How about if I
sort of
mediate your situation.”
“How would that
work?”
“Get you two
together in,
say, my study or maybe the library and we can talk; and, you two can
cry your
eyes out. It’ll be hard. I know my grandson will cry a lot.”
“I know, I don’t
want to
break up, but we have to. It just isn’t going to work out.”
“How about we do it
right
now?”
And, Jeremy cried.
Zach sat at the
opposite end
of the white leather sofa in the library trying his damnedest not to
start
crying himself as Bud sat between them. He was quietly and calmly
speaking to
his grandson explaining why he and Zach couldn’t go on the way they
were. Jeremy
was whimpering by the time Bud got to not having sex anymore.
“I know I’ve been
very
liberal with you and Zach,” Bud said. “But, I guess having even that
isn’t
enough for Zach.”
Zach looked at them
suddenly
feeling he was turning into a bad guy. He thought mediation was
supposed to be two-sided,
but Bud was stressing all of this wasn’t Jeremy’s fault. He was just an
innocent victim.
“You’d better talk
to him,”
Bud said, turning to Zach. “All I’ve done is make him cry.”
He stood up, then
said, “Go
on, sit next to Jeremy. Put an arm around him and tell him you’re
sorry. Then I
think you’d better tell him why you two have to break up. And, tell the
truth,
damn it! Don’t mollycoddle the boy. He’s sixteen and needs to be
treated as
such.”
Zach moved over and
sat down
next to Jeremy. When put his arms around the boy, pulling him into a
light hug,
Jeremy melted into him and started bawling. Jeremy tightly wrapped his
arms
around Zach and sunk his head into Zach’s shoulder.
Zach felt no better
than hog
snot. He was worse than bad. He was totally pathetic. The meanest
bastard
around. And, he loved Jeremy too much to hurt him as he was doing.
After a long while,
Jeremy
finally settled down to a trembling whimper. He barely whispered, “Why?”
“Because I love you
and want
to see you happy,” Zach said. He swallowed unsure whether to step into
dangerous territory. “We’re so different, Jeremy, I can’t see us being
happy.
All we have together is sex. And, I’ve got Steven to think about. And,
now,
you’ve got Johnny on your mind.”
“But, I don’t want
you to
go,” Jeremy whispered. He still held tightly onto Zach.
“I’m not going
anywhere,”
Zach said. He could hear the ice cracking around him as he walked out
onto the
pond. “I still have to come here to see Jerry. We just have to stop
loving each
other too much. We can’t be boyfriends, but I want us to remain
friends, if we
can. I love you.”
A shudder went
through
Jeremy’s body and his arms gripped Zach.
“I love you, too,”
Jeremy
whispered. Then he abruptly released his hold on Zach and pulled away.
Zach looked into
his eyes and
saw a scared little boy whose best friend is moving across the country
and
releases they never see each other ever again. Zach very much wanted to
take
Jeremy in his arms and kiss him deeply. He wanted them naked.
“Why don’t you like
me?”
Jeremy asked. The knife seared Zach’s soul as Jeremy pushed it deep
into his
heart. “I know that’s the real reason. You’ve told me about Steven and
how you
won’t see him for months. You don’t even know if he’ll love you like
you love
him. Let him go, Zach. Take me. I’m here and I love you.”
“Jeremy we’re so
different,
too different. I know what I want to become, now. After being with
Jerry and
seeing him bleeding, the box cutter at his feet, and hearing him tell
me about
how horrible it was for him growing up in a family who no longer loved
him,
changed me. I want to get into counseling. I want to help boys like us
who
can’t see a future as they are. I want to go back to Oklahoma. There
are a lot of us down there who are
scared and
I want to help them.”
Jeremy smiled and
put his
arms around Zach.
“I’ll go with you,”
he
whispered.
“No, you want to go
back to Switzerland. You have your heart set on all that snow
and all
those people speaking French. I don’t want to hold you back. And, I
don’t want
to learn French. Jeremy, you’ve got Johnny, too.”
Jeremy stiffened
and pulled
back. He looked as if Zach had slapped him. Fresh tears dribbled down
his
cheeks. He sat back into the sofa and stared at his knees.
“Jeremy, you’re
closer in
everything to Johnny. You’re still in high school. I’ve done all the
things
you’re going to do in the next two years. Well, not all of them, since
I
couldn’t do anything last year, but I’ve already been through what
you’re going
to see and do. I love you, but I can’t be with a boy who’s closer to
being
fifteen than seventeen.”
Zach looked around
the room
and saw that Bud had left them to sort things out on their own. Jeremy
pulled
out his handkerchief and began to clean his face. A few tears still
tried to
escape, but he quickly daubed them and tried to smile. Zach felt a tear
dribble
down his cheek and Jeremy brushed it away with a finger.
“All we have in
common is
making love,” Zach said. “There has to be more than just that. I don’t
like the
music you listen to and you don’t like mine. We never talk about stuff
because
we like totally different stuff.”
“It’s because I
live here,
isn’t it? That’s the real reason. You don’t like me because my
grandfather is
rich.”
“I love you.”
“But, you don’t
like me
enough to really, truly love me. Okay, we’ll be friends.”
Jeremy wrapped his
arms
around Zach and tightly hugged him. He sucked on Zach’s earlobe. Then
their
lips met, but it was not a lover’s kiss.
“Come on, let’s go
see if
Raul will make us some root beer floats,” Jeremy said. He stood up and
held a
hand out for Zach. “I want you to know I don’t like this, but I stop
pushing if
you stop pulling because I do love you.”
Two weeks later
when Zach
came back to the dorm after his last final, he checked his email. He’d
been
trying to get in touch with his uncle. He’d left voicemail messages and
sent
emails, but none of them were answered. He had to be out of the dorm
tomorrow.
He didn’t want to have to call Bud and go into that house. He and
Jeremy still
saw each other, but Jeremy stayed away, never getting close to Zach.
There was a new
email from
Paul Griffin, his uncle’s partner. He picked up his phone and dialed
the
number.
“Yeah?”
“Paul? This is
Zach.”
“How are you, boy?”
“I have to move out
of the
dorm tomorrow and I don’t know where I’m going to live until fall term.
I was
hoping I could ask Uncle David if he had a guest room or something.”
“Well, our guest
room is
actually David’s office.”
“Well, okay, at
least I
tried.”
“Wait, I’m not
finished. We
have three bedrooms, so one of them could be yours.”
“I can move in?”
“Yeah, but we’ve
got a small
problem. David and I are leaving tomorrow for North Carolina. David
wants to go watch a NASCAR race.”
“NASCAR? Uncle
David likes to
watch car races?”
“Yeah, I think he’s
crazy,
too.”
“Well, okay, I
guess I’ll
have to see if one of my friends can put me up for a month.”
“Hold on, boy. I’m
not
through, yet. Do you need help moving?”
“Yeah, I could use
a little
help.”
“Okay, I’ll be
there within
the hour. You get things ready.”
“But, you’re
leaving.”
“We’ll take you
with us. That
way I’ll have someone to keep me busy while David is watching cars go
round and
round.”
“Keep you busy?”
“Yeah, there’s got
to be
something to do down there besides watching a car race.”
“Okay, thanks.”
“See you in a bit.”
Zach leaned back in
his chair
and looked around his room. He knew he wasn’t going to miss this place.
He got
up and started packing.
Author’s
Comments
I apologize for the
blood.
This was a difficult chapter to write because Zach has to be ready to
start the
next phase of his life and subordinate characters had to exit. Jerry’s
departure had to be drastic so that Bruce could exit, too. When I first
decided
Jerry needed to leave, I planned on Zach not saving him. Keeping him
alive
allows him to come back later in the story. Honestly, I don’t like
killing
characters, especially when they’re young. Sometimes, I can’t do
anything
except do in a character. I wish the best for Jerry, but the prognosis
for his
kind of wound is never good.