Jamie pulled away from our kiss and looked at me with the biggest smile on his face. My entire body was warm all over.
This was all new to me. I had never kissed anyone, male or female. It felt good kissing Jamie. What did this mean to me? I had enjoyed the kiss of another male. I got an erection from kissing him. Did this mean that I like guys? I was so confused.
I stood up from the bed and walked over to the one window in the middle of the dorm room.
Jamie looked down at the floor. "I'm sorry. I moved to fast. I guess you know who it is that I think I like."
I was even more is shock now. This person, let alone another guy whom I had only met a couple of hours ago was telling me that I was hot and he liked me.
My thoughts began to race; not knowing what to do or say.
"I've never kissed anyone." I told him. "I'm sorry."
Jamie's face turned bright red.
"I feel like the biggest idiot now. I just assumed that you were gay. The way you talk, the way you walk, even the music you like. Greg thinks you are gay too."
I walked back over to Jamie's bed and sat down.
"I've never thought of either sex before. I can watch a movie see a hot chick and be like wow she's beautiful. I can watch a movie and see a hot guy and be like wow he's hot. I've never been around anyone gay. You are my first gay friend."
Jamie raised his head up and looked at me. "So you're calling me your friend?"
"Yeah, why couldn't we be friends? We have a ton in common and besides your best friend is my roommate for the next year so we are going to be seeing a lot of each other."
"Ok?" He smiled at me. "I am so sorry for that kiss."
"It's fine. I just don't know what it means to me." I placed my hand on his knee and squeezed it. "It's just the way I was raised. You know who my parents are and you know how they feel about gays."
"So are you or are you not gay?" Jamie asked.
"I don't know what I am. I don't know if I am gay, bisexual, straight or what."
Jamie nodded his head. "So can we at least be friends?"
I smiled at him. "Of course, how about we hang out sometime?"
"Yeah, I'd like that."
I got up from his bed and walked towards the door. "I'll see ya later. You got my number call or text me and we will hang out." I grabbed the doorknob to open the door, but stopped when I thought of something. I turned around and looked at Jamie. "Can I ask you something?"
"You know how you told me that your parents kicked you out right before your seventeenth birthday?"
"Was it because you were gay?"
He nodded his head. I could see tears start to come from his eyes. Part of me wanted to stay and comfort him and the other part of me wanted to get out of there so I could clear my head.
I left Jamie's room, my thoughts racing a hundred miles an hour. I headed back to my room. Greg was not there so I assumed that he was still out with his girlfriend.
I unzipped the front of my suitcase and pulled out a yellow notebook. This notebook was one of the most important things to me next to my Bible. It is the one place where I have always been able to write how I am feeling.
I grabbed a pen and headed back out the door. I walked around campus until I found a bench under a nice big shade tree. I sat there and took out my journal and began to write:
August 19, 2010
So I moved into my dorm today. Everything was going well my sister met me at my car and helped me get my things up to my room. I met my roommate Greg. We went out to eat with his best friend Jamie. Everything was going well. Greg left to go meet his girlfriend and I went back to Jamie's room with him where he sat and talked for a minute. He told me about someone he had just met and had a crush on. I told him to let the person know how he felt and that is just what he did. He leaned over and kissed me. It was my first kiss ever. It felt good. I am really confused though because my parents always preached that it was wrong for two guys to be together, but I kissed a guy. It didn't feel wrong to me. It felt so natural. There is one thing that I know I have to figure out. Am I gay?
I closed my journal and placed the pen inside of it. I sat there thinking about my life. Thinking made me open my journal back to the very first entry.
December 7, 2006
Dear journal: This is my first entry. I thought I might want to keep my secret thoughts down in here so I went to the store and bought you today. Sometimes I think I am weird. All of the other guys my age have girlfriends. I have been asked by several girls to be their boyfriend and have said no. I don't know why I said no to them, it just didn't feel right that to go out with them. I suppose it's because they are a different religion from me. A new family started coming to church today. They have a son about my age I think. He has light brown hair and hazel eyes that seem like they are the window to his soul. There is something about the new guy that intrigues me. Maybe I will see him around church.
I closed my journal. I stood up from the bench and tucked my journal into my belt. I was going to talk to the one person I could always trust to give me good advice no matter what the situation; the one person that had been there for me since the day I was born.
I walked towards my sister's dorm. I just hoped that she was home. I guess I probably should have called first.
When I reached my sister's door, I knocked and some girl I had never seen opened the door.
"Is Madison here?" I asked.
The girl had shoulder length dark brown hair and brown eyes. She was wearing a pair of cut off shorts that didn't leave much to the imagination.
She turned around, "Madison there is some hot guy here to see you!"
"Bring him in." I heard my sister reply from inside the room.
The girl at the door smiled at me. "Come on." She led me inside the room.
I looked around. This was the first time I had been in my sister's dorm room. Her room was nothing like mine. Instead of the door opening into a bedroom like my room and Jamie's did, there was a small sitting are with a couch a chair and a small refridge.
My sister looked at her roommate. "Tamara, this hot guy as you choose to call him is my little brother."
Tamara was looking me over. It was kind of making me uncomfortable. I can see she was undressing me with her eyes.
"You are a little hottie. I bet you have the girls all over you."
I ignored her. What did people see in me? Why was everyone always saying that I was cute and hot? I think I am just an average looking guy.
"Madison. I need to talk to you. It's very important."
She patted the couch next to her where she was sitting at watching something on television. "Sit down lil' bro, tell me what's bothering you."
I looked at Tamara then at my sister. "Is there any way I can talk to you alone?"
"Sure." She stood up from the couch. "I am going to take him to my bedroom and talk to him."
I felt something hit my butt. I turned around and was face to face with Tamara. She had the biggest grin on her face.
"I just wanted to see if it felt as nice as it looked."
I turned back around and followed my sister into her bedroom she shared with Tamara. She sat down on her bed.
"Are you ok?" She asked. "You are acting really weird."
"No!" I exclaimed. "I'm not ok."
I walked over to the bed and sat down next to my sister.
"I don't know what to do."
"Do about what?"
"I was kissed!" I shrieked.
"And?" She asked.
"I enjoyed it a little too much."
"Did you have sex Preston?"
"Oh gosh no." I replied.
"Ok, so you had a little kiss it's not the end of the world. People kiss."
"Um, it's not just the kiss. It's who the kiss was with." I told her.
"Promise not to think badly of me no matter what?" I asked her.
She kissed my forehead. "You are my little bro. There is nothing that you can do or say to make me think badly of you."
"I don't even know what the kiss means." I told her.
I knew I should just tell my sister. She was one of the most open minded people anyone could know. She and my parents argued all of the time because her liberal views clashed with their conservative ones all of the time.
"You can tell me anything."
"I kissed a guy and I think I liked it." I whispered.
"And?" She asked.
"I kissed another guy Madison. Shouldn't I be repulsed by it? I think I enjoyed it. Greg my new roommate and I went to eat with his friend Jamie. Greg met up with his girlfriend Jamie and I went back to his place. He told me that he had a crush on someone and I told him to let the person know how he felt. Needless to say he leaned over and kissed me." I explained.
"So he kissed you then?" She asked.
"The first time, I didn't do anything after the first time so he kissed me again and he stuck his tongue in my mouth and I stuck mine is his and next thing you know well my penis was trying to pop out of my pants."
"You have never had a girlfriend before." She looked at me.
I shook my head no.
"Any reason why?"
"I just hadn't found the right one yet."
"Maybe you haven't found the right girl yet because you are looking in the wrong place. Maybe it should be the right guy."
I took my journal out of my belt where I had tucked it. I opened it to the first page, my very first entry and handed it to her.
"Read this and tell me what you think."
I watched her as she intently read my very entry in my journal. Her facial expression changing each time she read.
She finished and looked at me. "His eyes are like the window to his soul? There is something that intrigues me about him?" She closed my journal and handed it back to me. "You're in college now, live a little. Come out of that bubble you have lived in for the past eighteen years. You are so clueless about things sometimes."
"What do you think I should do?" I asked her.
"Think of it about as if it were a science experiment. You can only learn from your mistakes. Maybe you are gay. If so I will still love you the same. I have gay friends and lesbian friends. Look at Tamara."
"She's a lesbian!" I exclaimed.
"Yeah, she is." Madison's face lit up. I didn't like that look. I knew something was going through her head. She was thinking of something and I don't think I would like the outcome of it. She stood up from her bed. "I'll be right back."
She left the bedroom. I sat there on the bed for a couple of minutes and then she came back with Tamara.
Madison looked at me. "So I have a solution, Tamara here is going to kiss you and we are going to see what happens."
"What!" I exclaimed. "I don't know about that."
"Kissing you isn't going to do anything for me babe." Tamara told me. "I like `em with a little more cleavage than what you got going on." She walked over to me and rubbed my chest."
Madison looked at me. "Remember. Live a little Preston."
"Fine." I looked at Tamara. "Come on kiss me."
She sat down next to me, placed a hand on my cheek. "You are so soft."
I closed my eyes and waited. I felt her lips touch mine. I could feel her tongue touching my lips. I opened my mouth and let her tongue enter.
It felt wet. It felt gross. I could feel her spit mixing with mine. I pulled away from her and pushed her away.
Tamara reached over and touched my crotch. She looked at Madison "Nothin."
I pushed her hand away.
I stood up and looked at my sister and Tamara. "I really should go."
I raced out of the dorm not even bothering to say bye to either one of them. I didn't stop running until I got to the park bench that I was sitting on earlier. I sat down, covered my face with my hands and cried.
I cried because I was confused. There was the part of me that wanted to do what my body says felt right, date another guy. There was also that part of me that was raised and had it shoved down my throat that it was completely wrong.
I knew one thing, no matter what I would have my sister in my corner fighting for me.