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Have you forgotten all I know, and all we had?
You saw me mourning my love for you
And touched my hand
I knew you loved me then
I believe in you
I'll give up everything just to find you
I have to be with you, to live, to breathe
You're taking over me
Taking Over Me © by Evanescence, 2003
Control. It's extraordinary the tactics people employ to obtain it. Some
rely on deception while others engage in outright trickery. Then there are
those who resort to extortion. Why do we fight so hard for control? Because
we know to lose it is to put our fate in the hands of others. And what
could be more dangerous?
© by Marc Cherry, 2005
Olivia said awkwardly, "He didn't look too well. Did you see how pale he was?"
"Yeah," beneath my breath I said.
Trevor seemed defeated and determined at the same time as though the kiss was a goodbye. I wouldn't ever have imagined he'd be keen on taking his own life, but that being said I never thought he'd break my heart, either. Could it be that the kiss was a final goodbye? Is it possible that . . . There's no way. I have to find out for sure, though. If I'm wrong I'd never forgive myself.
"Hey, I'm gonna go find out what that was about. I'll see you guys later."
I took off before either of them (meaning Claire) could object. I only know the direction Trevor went. I have no idea where he parked his truck. With five parking lots on this part of the campus it might take a while to single him out. I started at the top and worked my way down. So many thoughts were swarming my head. Mainly, why did he kiss me at all? We haven't spoken in quite a while and all of a sudden he attacks me in the middle of school. Nothing is making sense about it.
During our relationship, Trevor and I shared an intense connection. The two of us were inseparable and insatiable for each other. Jared and Tyler loved him. My brothers adored him-perhaps a little too much adoration from Keegan. Even my friends were fond of him. His attitude never fluctuated more than a typical adult's did and that made him incredibly easy to be with. We hardly ever fought, but that could likely be connected to the fact that we agreed on damn near everything. From what classes we wanted to take to what we wanted for dinner, we agreed.
His truck ended up being in the fourth parking lot. I saw his shape through the tinted windows. He was slumped against the steering wheel, unmoving. Knocking softly on the window I was slightly terrified he was still for a reason. But when he drifted his hand to the window button, rolling it down, I knew he was just fine-in more ways than one.
"Trevor," I gently said, "what's wrong with you?"
Without moving his head from the steering wheel, he muttered, "Nothing."
Although every ounce of me wanted to scream at him, cuss him out, hit him, kick him, bite him, stab him, even kiss him, I remained calm. The bitterness can come out later. Right now something with Trevor isn't right and that needs to be addressed.
"Why did you kiss me?" He said something so quietly I couldn't hear. "What?"
"I said," he picked his head up from the steering wheel and cushioned it against the head rest, "I miss you."
That anger I mentioned a few moments ago? It just boiled over.
"You miss me?" I repeated. "You have a funny way of showing it!" Trevor finally looked at me. "You break up with me. You then want to still be fuck buddies, then you let my brother suck you off. You also attacked my coworker because I wouldn't go to dinner with you!"
"You're sorry? That's all you have to fucking say?" I could feel tears forming in my eyes. After all the pain and torment he has made me endure he apologizes as if he forgot to call me. "Fuck you, Trevor! You've made my life hell the past couple of months and it seems like you don't even care!"
"What do you want me to say, Travers?" Trevor said angrily. Color was finally returning to his pale face.
"I want to know why you broke up with me. Don't give me some bullshit answer like before, either. Tell me why! Why have you been acting so strangely?"
"I have to go." He rolled up his window and backed out of the parking spot. Once again, he left me speechless.
The anger I was feeling cannot be expressed. Coupled with massive anxiety, I felt ready to literally explode. Trevor running away from confrontation has suddenly become a norm. A very frustrating norm. He's probably going home, so the question now is do I want to go to his house and finish this or do I want to catch back up with Claire and Olivia? Although my two friends would lend a supportive word, optimism isn't what sounded most appealing. I want to have answers. I want to be able to move on from him once and for all. Until he explains himself a small part of me will always remain wondering.
I hustled over to my car and drove to Trevor's house. Thankfully, when I arrived, I saw that his parents weren't home. It was just his truck parked parallel with the sidewalk. Parking behind his truck brought back a flood of memories. His parents were very supportive of our relationship. They always welcomed me with open arms whenever I'd visit, which would be daily. I practically lived with them I was here so often. So, really they didn't have any other option other than to love me. That sounds arrogant, though. Everything on the outside of the house was the same. Not sure why I'd expect anything to really change in the couple of months Trevor and I have been separated, though. That's honestly not a significant amount of time. Their grass still had a few dead patches scattered about. Juniper bushes lined a haggard brick wall that his dad has been saying for years that he'll fix.
So many memories.
Oddly enough, my parents and his parents never became best friends. Nothing even close to that. I've never paid much attention to that detail, but some people expect each other's parents to be extremely close. Not being close isn't to be confused with not being receptive to one another, because that's what they've always been. They'd talk and be friendly whenever the universe planted them in the same vicinity, but nothing overtly cordial. Trevor never had a problem with that, either. All in all everyone's relationship was, in my world, perfect.
Trevor looked surprised to see me of all people standing just beyond the front door. He had already dressed into something more comfortable than what he was wearing at school. A plain black shirt hugged his frame in a manner that suggested I rip it off of him. Thin, grey workout shorts clung to his thigh muscles. Calf muscles that once sat unnoticed were now thicker and more pronounced. Even his neck looked toned. This was an entirely new Trevor standing before me. I'd noticed he'd lost weight and gained definition, but I've never taken the time to really examine him. Damn my weakness for him!
"What are you doing here, Travers?" Trevor asked gruffly. His attitude immediately fired up my defenses.
"I came for answers," I said, pushing past him roughly. "And I'm not leaving until I have them."
I didn't need to see him to know he rolled his eyes dramatically. Unlike his body, some things never change.
"I gave you an answer."
"What you gave me was hardly an answer. You kissed me. What was that about?"
"I already told you. I miss you."
"That's not good enough!" I said in exhaustion. "You caused all of this so why now do you miss me? And what makes you think I even want to be kissed by you?"
For the second time he rushed me. Our lips sealed against each other, sending chills down my spine. And again for the second time he ended it too soon.
"Do you remember our senior prom?" he asked so softly it could've been a whisper. Senior prom was an amazing night filled with irreplaceable memories. There weren't any stares or whispers about two guys going together. We were pretty well known by then anyhow so it wasn't a surprise seeing us together at prom. We danced, ate, laughed, and, as the final song of the night played, shared a very meaningful kiss. "You were wearing that emerald green shirt that made your eyes pop." His hands cupped my face. "You looked amazing that night. I knew then that I wanted to spend many more years with you."
His soft tone was chilling me. I felt so weak in his grasp. More and more memories rushed into my mind. Trevor's scent was also causing me great despair. He's torturing me, making fun of me I'm sure of it.
"Why are you doing this?" I grumbled sadly.
"I miss you, Travers," he replied, pressing our foreheads together.
"Then why did you break up with me?"
His answer didn't come immediately. We stood, foreheads pressed together, for several moments. Peace enveloped us, but I felt like my heart was going to stop. So many emotions whirling through me. Which ones are legitimate? Which ones are not going to betray me?
"It's not as complicated as you might think. I did some bad things."
"Like what?" What kind of bad things could he have done? He's one of the most docile persons I've ever known. For something to be so bad that he had to break up with me I'm concerned for his well-being.
"I . . . I can't tell you, Travers. It's humiliating and pathetic."
That's it. This was all a mistake. Coming here, allowing myself to be taken by him, all of it was a mistake. He's an arrogant jerk who is probably enjoying upsetting me like this.
"Then I can't be near you again until you do."
I tore myself away from his hands and begrudgingly left his house. If he's going to continue playing these games, then I'll just avoid him like the plague. Again. I should hate him for all he's done to me, and I do, but there's still that part of me that craves him . . . Perhaps it just hasn't been long enough. I'm forced to see him several times a week, so that surely plays a factor in not being able to let him go entirely. There's nothing I can do short of dropping out of college and moving away, though. I'll have to put up with these feelings for quite a while.
Arriving home I felt no better. Jared tried to open me up, but I wasn't having any of that. I brushed him off and barricaded myself in my room. All this uncertainty and depression over Trevor was becoming physically taxing. Today I made some progress, but his lack of expression was incredibly frustrating. What could have possibly been so pathetic that he felt the need to break up with me, the guy who he said he loved to the moon and back? Cheating couldn't been the answer. He doesn't have the audacity to do that to me. Then again, I hadn't ever thought we'd break up. So, how well did I really know him?
Trevor was perfect in my opinion. Claire would disagree; he wasn't her type, but that didn't affect me in the slightest. The only opinion that mattered was mine and he was perfect. We got along too well. Maybe he just fell out of love with me. I suppose that's possible, although devastating to consider fully. Things like that do happen, I guess. That's hardly humiliating or pathetic, though. Well, pathetic yes. But humiliating no.
Wanna come over? I wanna ride Ben texted me. Horses I mean ;)
Thanks, but I'm not really in the mood
Just ex stuff. Weird ex stuff.
Talk about it?? Horseback riding is pretty relaxing
Spending time with Ben does sound like more fun than moping in my room. The thought of driving to his house annoys me, though. It's not that far, but I don't really have patience left after the confrontation with Trevor. Not going out would probably be the best idea. Then again . . . Well, I don't know. I want to, but I don't.
Hey I was just messing. We don't have to like mess around or anything. Just horses, I promise
Wow, that eases things. Maybe the thought of having sex with Ben subconsciously seemed more daunting than the drive to his house. That's why I love Ben. He always knows just what to say to make me feel better.
Okay, thanks. I'll be there soon.
"Okay, well it sounds like he's really confused about something. You know? Like, he really wants to tell you, but he's unsure of how you'll react." Ben said confidently. He's been a great listener ever since we mounted our horses and ventured off into the hills behind the farm. He seems to genuinely care about what is going on instead of just trying to rush through things to get to the sex-even though that won't be happening regardless.
"What could be so humiliating that he would feel the need to break up with me? Our relationship was better than that, I thought."
"He didn't say he broke up with you because of something humiliating, though. Did he?"
"Well . . ." Thinking back, he didn't. He said he couldn't tell me because it was humiliating. "He did say it was because of bad things he did."
"I hesitate to ask, but do you think he-"
"No, he wouldn't ever cheat on me."
"Just had to ask. At least you're confident about that." Ben flashed a quick smile. "Drugs?"
"It's certainly possible, but we talked about drugs before given my history with them. He said he never had the urge to try them."
"Well, I'm stumped then. I'm very curious, though. You'd better tell me when he fesses up!"
I chuckled at his innocence. "Sure thing."
"I want you to know that I kind of hope things work out for you. With him, I mean."
"I'll miss the sex," he laughed. "Seriously! I don't know any other gay guys here, Travers, and I'm not the type to just meet someone really quick for sex."
"You had sex with me the first night."
"That was different. We were on a date and I could tell you weren't even looking for sex at that point. I knew you weren't just going to fuck me and never call again. I felt a connection with you, you know? Like," Ben sighed, "I don't know. I don't want you to think I'm some sort of cheap-"
I interrupted his rambling. "I don't think that of you. I know you're not like that. I didn't mean to imply anything, either."
Ben smiled warmly, winking at me. "He'd be a fool not to want you back.
Our trail eventually ended atop a small hill that overlooked the valley. There wasn't much to see other than rolling hills carpeted with grass and sparse trees, but the view was still beautiful. He stopped his horse next to mine and took in a deep breath. The moment was hard to explain, but there was something about being isolated that made me feel incredibly at ease.
Ben dismounted his horse and helped me from mine.
"They'll be okay?" I asked. I didn't want the horses to run off and leave us stranded. We'd been riding for a couple of hours at this point, which covered quite a distance.
"Yeah, they're well trained."
"I've never actually been in this area. Whenever I went hiking I'd always go to the mountains. I figured there was more scenery there, but this . . . It's so empty yet somehow just as beautiful as the forest."
There was no response from Ben. I realized silence would be the best thing for the moment. Conversation would only cheapen things. But when he intertwined his fingers in mine I knew I had to speak up.
"I love you, Travers." Turning to face me, he stared deeply into my eyes. "It's not the love you want, but it means no less. We haven't known each other that long, but you've been an incredible friend. I couldn't have been luckier in finding someone else. I sincerely, honestly want you to be happy and if Trevor makes you happy, then I want you to fiercely pursue him. I see how you light up when you talk about him, so it's clear you two belong together.
"I'm just sorry you and I couldn't work out. Maybe there's something wrong with me that I don't want someone as amazing as you. Hell, even my mom adores you. She asks about you all the time. I don't know. I just can't explain or even begin to understand how love works. I guess when I experience it for myself one day, then I'll know.
"Anyways, the point is that I love you and you're my absolute best friend. I feel like I can tell you anything without being judged for it. You deserve nothing less than complete adoration."
I had no idea what to say back to him. The feelings swimming around inside of me ranged from embarrassment to elation. Ben seemed so genuine it was hard not to tear up. I haven't heard such an emotionally charged confession in a long time, and coming from Ben meant even more to me. Just as I was about to say something his lips connected with mine. We shared a slow, passionate kiss that screamed of validation. It was a perfect moment. And suddenly something clicked in me. Ben isn't the one for me. He won't ever be the one for me. It'll always be Trevor, always. With Ben it was the heat of the moment type of thing. He was attractive, available, and willing. That's not to say I was using him or taking advantage of him. Our relationship just was.
"I love you too, Ben," I said softly. "But don't feel bad about not having feelings for me. It would've been impossible for us to have a long relationship, anyways. With all the drama between my family and me and the added complication of Trevor, there's no way I'd have been the kind of guy you deserve." I began rubbing his back gently as we stayed intertwined. "I appreciate all that you said. And without sounding stupid I have the same sentiment towards you. Suppose Trevor and I do work out, I hope that won't change anything between us."
"Besides the sex," We both said together, then laughed.
"Yeah, besides the sex." I quickly kissed him. "You're an amazing guy. My new purpose in life is to find you someone who deserves you. Seriously. You're amazing."
"Jeez," Ben sighed, "we sound like we're breaking up."
I thought for a moment. Although I don't have everything I need, and he might not be prepared, a meaningful end to our ride was calling.
"Well, this isn't a break up. And, if you're up for it, I wouldn't mind showing you just how special you are."
Ben blushed, but he picked up on the hidden meaning of my words. "I was
hoping you'd say that. Don't worry, no one travels this far out."
Florence had a hearty lunch ready for us once we returned home. As soon as I finished my plate she loaded more food onto it. I still don't know how Ben stays so slim when eating like a king. His mom brought out a mile high apple pie after she allowed me to stop eating. She warned me that I couldn't leave until I finished at least one slice, because it was her duty to "put some real meat on my bones." Ben had to refrain from laughing the entire lunch. Although I felt immensely ill and ready to die, it was nice being fussed over. No wonder Ben is such a great guy; he has a great mom, a great family. It again reminded me that nothing is more important than family.
Tyler had dinner ready by the time I made it back home. The smell, while likely intoxicating any other time, nauseated me. I was too full to even think about food. Everyone was sitting at the dining room table, even my pathetic excuse of a brother. I was torn. I wanted to sit and talk with my family, but I did not want to interact whatsoever with Keegan. Will I ever not resent him?
"So, what did Ben's mom make you guys?" Tyler asked as he cut through his chicken.
"Christ," I groaned. "I don't know exactly what it was, but I had two giant plates full of it. Then she practically crammed a quarter of a pie down my throat." I noticed Keegan roll his eyes at me, but I brushed it off.
"She sounds awesome," Jared, with a mouthful of food, exclaimed.
"Oh, yeah, like you don't get enough to eat here," Tyler shot back.
I thought about how fortunate I was to have such an amazing pair of parents. While a lot of teenagers probably feel smothered or spiteful towards their mom and dad, I can't imagine life without them. Being off on my own, while interesting and necessary for personal growth, cannot compare to the unexplainable feeling of having two loving parents to greet you every day. They are my rock to which I look to for guidance on a near constant basis.
"So, our Realtor called us today and apparently there is someone interested in the house." Jared said after a huge swallow of food. The man is like a python-always swallowing large portions of food. We might find him belly up one day with a huge bulge in his throat.
"That means . . ."
"That someone is interested in the house."
Tyler rolled his eyes. "It means that they want to take a tour of the place. Tomorrow at four we have to be out, so I was thinking we could go to dinner after the boys get out of school."
"Yeah," I said convincingly, hiding my sudden disappointment. "That sounds fine, except I work tomorrow until eight."
"Damn," Tyler sighed. "Well, I'll get you dinner anyways and you can reheat it when you get home. I'm really excited about the showing tomorrow. I mean, I hate to sell the house, but I've gotten to a point now where it's like I want a new beginning. You know?"
Jared queued in. 'I'm excited too, babe. I think it'll be good for all of us. Change can be hard to get used to, but there are a lot of memories in this house that could use an erasing."
"That's true," Tyler murmured almost sadly. Jared's eyes fell. He was a part of those bad memories.
"I'm excited," Torry said, all smiles. "I love our house, but it's so big. It's way too hard to keep clean."
"Yeah, that's the one thing I've always disliked about it," said Jared.
"Wait a minute! Wait a hot shit minute!" Tyler howled. "Since when has anyone in this house other than myself and Travers ever done any serious cleaning? And I am not talking about cleaning your plates." None of the other boys said a word, but each had a shit-eating grin plastered on their face. "Exactly."
"Dad, I was only talking about you, of course. And how much easier it will be on you to clean a smaller house."
"Gee, thank you so much, Torry," Tyler snickered.
Jared cleared his throat. "Cleaning aside, I think we should all consider a garage sale soon. Even if the buyer tomorrow isn't impressed with the house we still need to downsize. Regardless of where we move it will be much smaller than here."
"We could start with your crap in the garage."
"Tyler, that is not crap!"
"Babe! You have three giant racing signs just lying around. They are rusted, beat up, and ugly. I can't see you needing them in the future."
"Oh yeah? Well, what about all those cooking machines you have?"
"I use them!"
"You haven't used the donut machine in over a year. The cake pop machine, which is such a gimmick by the way, is still in its original packaging. Don't even get me started on those damn waffle makers, which you have several of."
"Hey, they have their uses. How are your signs going to help the family in any way?"
"How are cake pops going to help the family?"
"Ladies," I said, grinning madly, "chill out. Both of you could get rid of a lot. After moving, I realized how many clothes I have that I don't wear anymore. I wouldn't mind selling them, and whatever is left I'll just donate."
"Good idea," Torry said. "I have a bunch of stuff I don't use anymore."
"Okay then. Next weekend we will have a garage sale." Jared raised his beer bottle and quickly took a drink from it.
Later in the night I was lying in bed studying. The time was nearing eleven, but I had yet to feel the slightest bit tired, which was surprising given that I was reading a very boring book from my English class. Ben was texting me here and there, but I was only replying to be polite. I had no real interest in talking to him. Not to sound rude, but I had to focus on the book. The professor asks the most ridiculous questions from our reading and participation in the class is worth forty percent of our overall grade. Seems a bit much from a community college level course, but that's none of my business. At least she's a nice person, albeit challenging.
My phone chimed. I assumed it was Ben again.
Can we talk?
I have stuff to tell you
It's almost 11. This can't wait?
He makes everything so difficult. What could be so important that he can't wait until tomorrow? This had better be worth it.
Okay fine. Come over.
I'm already here. Come unlock your door.
Jeez! I went to unlock the front door and sure enough he was standing on the porch. He appeared more put together than when I saw him this morning. His color had returned and the shadows under his eyes were quite faint. Of course, my heart began to flutter as soon as I saw him. Hopefully he doesn't break it again.
"How you doing?" he asked gently, looking into my eyes for approval. The night air had a sharp sting of ice to it. Abnormal for this time of year, but not unheard of. An omen?
"Fine. I was just studying." In order for things to remain short, I decided to be as short as possible. He can say what he needs to, then leave.
"Sorry, I just needed to talk to you."
Trevor shivered. "In your room?"
"Oh," I mentally slapped myself. "Yeah, come on." We went to my room. A thought suddenly occurred to me. "Hey, how did you know I moved back home?"
"I didn't. I drove by here and saw your car. Otherwise I would've just asked where. Why did you move back?"
"Reasons," I muttered indignantly.
"Your room smells the way I remember it. Looks different, but you'll probably have everything back the way it was soon."
Moving in closer to me, his scent overwhelmed me. While energizing, it was also making me very nervous. The past few months, Trevor has been a loose cannon. I never know what's going to happen with him next.
"I wasn't lying this morning when I told you I miss you," Trevor began calmly. Our faces were now just inches apart. "I've done some pretty low things since we broke up, but breaking your heart is the lowest thing I'll ever do in my life."
In mid-sentence he kissed me. I felt myself tearing down my own barriers at that point. Everything up to that moment was nearly forgotten. I just wanted him back. I want to be able to kiss him whenever I feel like it. No more of this heartache and depression.
"I need you to not speak. Okay?" I nodded in submission. Honestly, all words had left me after the kiss anyways. He gripped my shoulders firmly. The look in his eyes suddenly turned very serious. "Please, this is so hard for me. It's something I've hidden from you since the very first time we got together. I'm finally able to tell you, so don't laugh, or make a smartass remark. Please." I nodded again. He was actually beginning to scare me. What has he been hiding from me for all of these years? "All my life I've been bulky. It tormented me. In elementary school I was bullied. In middle school I was bullied. I spent so many nights crying because of my weight, because of what the other kids would call me. My parents were useless, only truly concerned about themselves and their money. I really didn't have anyone, Travers. My self-esteem was non-existent. Not a day went by when I didn't feel like a loser.
"High school wasn't any better. I made a few good friends, but even they didn't know what I went through. I . . ." Trevor paused, taking a deep breath. I felt incredibly sorry for him. Telling me all of this must be taking a great amount of courage. "I thought about killing myself a lot, especially after particularly bad days. But I never had the guts to do it. It was my sophomore year when things got even worse. When mom died in the car accident my dad blamed me. That's when he became abusive. Things stayed at the bottom until I met you. You showed interest in me that no one ever had before. I was weak and vulnerable. Although we didn't start off that well, things soon changed for the better. You made me feel worthy and loved and normal.
"But there was always self-doubt in the back of my mind. It always had to do with my weight. Even though you constantly complimented me on how sexy and hot you thought I was, it didn't help me mentally. Sure, it made me feel good, but at the end of the day I was still bulky, and that was always a problem."
"Trevor," I said softly, "I sympathize for you, but I don't understand where this is going. What does this have to do with breaking up with me?"
He turned away from me. I almost wanted to reach out to him, but thought better of it. If he wanted to separate himself from me, then so be it. Everything he's told me I kind of already knew, but not in detail. And I had no idea how much pain he was actually in. He had a knack for hiding his feelings, but this seems extreme.
"I got involved in some stuff a few weeks before I broke up with you. I don't want to use that as an excuse, but they put me in a different state of mind. There was no thought to being nice or weak anymore. I had to start standing up for myself and not taking any more crap from anyone." With another deep breath, he said, "I started taking steroids. I started going to the gym and feeling good about myself. And when I'd be with you I saw my old self, and I hated that image. So, I broke up with you." The shame in his voice was not enough to lessen the sting of heartache.
I was confused. Where the hell did he even get steroids? We'd been through high school health class. He knew what steroids could do to a person. We both swore off drugs years ago. I felt betrayed in more ways than one. None of this sounded real. Out of all the times I told him how sexy he was to me, how much I loved his body, there was no reason for him to feel inadequate with me. There shouldn't have been any doubt in his mind that he wasn't anything less than beautiful to me.
"So, that's it then? That's why you broke up with me? The steroids made you do it?" I tried to sound even, but the anger was seeping through with no regard to sensitivity.
Trevor turned back around to face me. "I said they aren't an excuse, but . . . yes. I was on edge all the time. You started to annoy me with things that I used to find adorable. I'm sorry, Travers, I'm so, so sorry." The tears in his eyes betrayed his composed demeanor, but they still weren't enough to soften the blow.
"That is the most ridiculous excuse for a break up I've ever heard!" My words were no longer calm. I was almost in a yelling state. "All this time I've been fucking miserable and depressed just because you wanted to lose a little weight!? This is unbelievable! You are the biggest asshole I've ever known!"
I stormed passed him, ready to lock myself in the bathroom and pray for his departure. But just before the door I stopped and closed my eyes. What Trevor just told me likely took a great amount of nerve, especially because he made it clear it was such a sensitive topic for him. The pain he must be feeling, and has felt, is probably a lot less than what I am going through in the present moment. It's hard to imagine what life would be like if I had constantly been picked on because of my body size, but that doesn't bar almost any excuse to go as far as to obtain and use illegal substances. Trever has always been able to confide in me, so why did he not just tell me all of this before he started using? Or before he felt like using? I could have helped him lose weight. Even Torry came to me for help once. I cannot comprehend why he turned to steroids.
His weeping subdued the animalistic rage I was feeling. It also brought a sick satisfaction to my heart knowing he was in so much pain. He could now begin to understand the pain and torture I went through after he broke my heart.
I turned around to talk to him. I was still irritated, but the poor guy needs me right now. He needs comfort and assurance. Believe me, I know.
"Trevor," I said, walking to his knelt body. I rubbed his back gently. "Trevor, it's okay. Sit up."
"I'm sorry," he cried. "I'm sorry for everything. Please tell me you forgive me."
"I can't say that right now. I'm hurt, but it can be worked on. As long as you don't leave me again, we can work on it."
Trevor then sat up. His tear stained cheeks were red with emotion. Our eyes connected.
"I want you. I want you back so bad. I fucked everything up. Everyone hates me. You. My parents. Help me make this right."
I kissed him to make my coming words mean that much more.
"You know I never stopped loving you. I can't even pretend to not want this, but it will take time. Trusting you, forgiving you, it will all take time and who knows how much time."
He nodded, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. "I know. I don't care. I just . . . I want you back. I need you."
Unbelievably to me, my lips curled up ever so slightly.
The next installment. Finally! Email me and let me know what you thought, and check out my website, Delfino Plaza! This should end up being my final quarter before receiving my bachelor's degree, thus, my schedule is slammed as I cannot mess up. The next chapter will likely take as long as this one, but please be patient. I won't disappoint my readers. Only a few chapters remain of this wild ride and then I will be taking a short hiatus to work on a new story that I want to be perfect.