This part was difficult for me to write because It took me 2 months to write. I know that in emails i told a few of you that i would have this part done by September but I got caught up in work and the little time I did spend at the pc was staring blankly at the screen talking to the people on here that I love the most. I also spent the last several months coming out of that wonderful closet of mine... So emotionally I've been thru hell.
I'd like to take this opportunity to thank a few people. You know who you are. But mostly I'd like to thank BJ for some of the names and help with revising it. Also I would like to thank him for writing the funeral speech. Thanks buddy!! And of course I'd like to thank him for coming up with the title for me.
I'd also like to take the time to thank all of you who took the time to email me. The emails are greatly appreciated. Most of the questions asked will be answered in good time. Keep the questions coming though. Most of the story is in my head and I assume that the reader knows the answers. Sometimes I neglect to answer them in the story. Sorry about that!
And the usual applies. No one under 18 should read this story and if you don't like love stories between two college males then you should not be here or shall i ask "Why are you here?".
Second Time Around, Part Three
I awoke and felt Spencer sobbing. I then ran my hand through his hair, something that I had not done to him in years.
"It will be okay Spence. I am here for you," I said.
I fell back to sleep and woke up a few hours later. Spencer was still sleeping so I snuck out of the room without waking him up. I then remembered that he had a date with Josh tonight.
"I better call him," I thought to myself.
I went back into Spencer's room and stood in the door and watched him sleep for a few minutes. He always looks so peaceful when he sleeps. I remember how I used to sit on the bed when we would sleep together in high school and watch him sleep, the whole time wondering about what he was dreaming. I finally realized that I had been standing there for about five minutes. I looked through his things on his desk and found Josh's number. I then went to the phone in the kitchen and dialed it hoping that he would be home.
"Hi Josh! This is Spencer's roommate Seth."
"Hey! What's up?"
"Spencer isn't going to be able to make it tonight."
"His mom died and the funeral is tonight. He is going."
"But I thought that…."
"His brother called and got in contact with him."
"Oh, sorry to hear that. Send my condolences. If you guys need anything call me. And tell Spencer to call whenever he wants to go out."
"Alright! Thanks Josh. Talk to you later!"
I hung up the phone and went back to Spencer. He was still sleeping. But this time his one arm was hanging off the bed. I tried to hold back the laughter but he looked so funny lying there like that.
"Oops," I said.
"What?" Spencer replied.
"I didn't mean to wake you but you looked funny lying there like that."
"Oh." He said very flatly.
He was like that for the rest of the day. Speaking only in one word phrases. He never really said anything substantial.
That evening time came for the funeral. I had a really bad feeling about going, but I know that he needs to go. He needs to deal with his family. It's been 2 years since he has had much contact with them. However, was I in for a shock or two at the funeral.
We started getting ready at about 5 o'clock. We left the apartment about an hour later and were on our way. We pulled up at the funeral home and there were a lot of cars there already. Now I knew that the Andrews family was quite well known but I never realized that they knew this many people.
Spencer's mother, Joanne, was a nurse at Freodert Hospital here in Milwaukee. I remember once while we were in High School, we were riding our bikes around the neighborhood. I fell and hurt myself pretty bad. It turned out that I had a mild concussion. Spencer's mom made me spend the night at their house so she could keep and eye on me. She was such a sweet women.
What Spencer never found out was that she already knew about us. He seems to think that his parents were oblivious to what was going on but she knew. One day she told me that I better not ever hurt Spence or she would personally make my life a living hell. What I never understood to this day was why she had sent him away in the first place.
We walked up to the funeral home and were greeted by Eric at the door. (Did I mention the fact that this family is full of good-looking men?) He grabbed Spence and hugged him. Then he stepped back.
"Well I see you never did get rid of Seth, did you?"
"Eric, Spence and I are only good friends now. The relationship ended when he was sent…" I trailed off.
I looked at Spence and he looked like hell. He hadn't spoken much all day so I knew this had to be really hard for him. I mean think of it this way. Here was his family. The people to whom he is blood related and they had disowned him. Well not the entire family but his parents. What kind of existence is that?
Shockingly, many members of his family came up to him after we went in and gave them their condolences and told him that they had missed him. When his sister came over to speak to him I noticed his father across the room. I got the glare of death that I was expecting to get when we would see him. Thankfully he kept his distance, at least for now.
It was a beautiful service. There were many doctors from the hospital that talked about how great his mother had been. His brother gave a beautiful speech about what she meant to the entire family. I could see Spencer's father the entire time from where we were sitting. Every time that Eric mentioned Spencer his father would cringe. I cannot believe how much hate that man harbors for Spencer.
Spencer himself looked as if he harbored his own hatred for the man he once called his father. He once looked up to his father who seemed deeply respected, but now disdain is all that Spencer had for him. It wasn't hard to see, the empty look on his face, turned to one of rage and inflammatory disgust.
"Is there anyone else that would like to speak about this woman, who lies here before us?" the pastor asked.
Spencer's head snapped up and he looked over at me, he wasn't crying physically, but I could see in his eyes that he needed closure, I nodded at him and Spencer began to rise. He left the row of pews that we were sitting in, and walked slowly up the isle, several gasps were heard when he rose, and all eyes in the church were on him as he walked down the aisle, all but his father, who still looked straight ahead, unknowing of why the room had fallen silent. When his dad finally turned to look, Spencer was almost already halfway up the long, red carpet that lead to the altar and to the casket that held his dead mother.
Spencer's dad looked at who was coming down the isle and his face turned to one of extreme rage and hatred as he himself rose from his front row seat, and stood in Spencer's path.
I saw my father rise, and at first I was scared, surely he wouldn't cause a scene here, but then I thought yes… yes I do believe he would if it suited his needs. My fear turned into what can only be described as extreme bravery, or extreme stupidity, I'm not sure which but I knew that nothing could stand in my way, not even him.
"No one wants to hear your opinion." My father said in quiet anger as he stared at me.
"It's you, that I'm tired of listening to, I wish it were you in that casket and not her, she didn't deserve it, you deserve everything you get!" I said in anger. I watched my fathers face go from anger, to rage, and shock over what I had said. His jaw fell open and he stared at me, silently, like a scolded child. Unwilling to spend any more time then I already had, I pushed him out of my way as I continued to walk up to the altar, leaving him standing there looking like the idiot he really was.
Everyone stared at me in silence, as I realized that I had no clue why I was up there I looked down at what had to be almost 250 people and my anger melted away realizing these people had no idea, why they had not seen me all these years.
"Ladies and gentlemen." I began; I took a deep breath, and continued. " I came here, to honor my mother, a woman that I loved dearly, and that loved me just as much. If it were up to my father, I wouldn't even be here; I wasn't even going to be invited if he had his say in the matter. Special thanks, to my brother Eric, for calling me and bringing me here to share her last moments with the world. This woman was a strong willed woman, with deep emotional relationship to her children. For the few last months, she was in pain, she knew the inevitable was going to happen and she bravely looked at it in the eye, and met the end with an amount of dignity, I hope to maintain, when my time on this earth ends."
"Many of you, have not seen me, in a few years, quite a long time indeed, I have missed my mother, and I missed not being there when she passed, I wanted to hug her, and tell her that I loved her, and that it wasn't her fault that I was not there. Unfortunately she blamed herself for my being sent away, she didn't know it would go that far. It was my father, who sent me away, told me never to come back, and because of him, I missed out on the last few years of my mothers life, I deeply regret that, he doesn't. On the way up to the altar, he told me, that no one wants to hear my opinion, he didn't want me to speak on my mothers behalf because he was scared that he would be exposed as hateful, bigoted person. Well, I guess he was right, and he has every right to be scared, My mother, knew that I was gay and she didn't seem all that upset about it, she told my father, expecting a moderate response. When all was said and done, my father had me sent away, to live with my cousin. He was scared that I would damage his public image, and scared that I would embarrass him in public, this speech, isn't meant to damage his public image, nor is it to embarrass him, but it IS meant to explain why I have not been the son that I should have been, when my mother needed me, and the rest of her family the most. I was not there because my dad kept me away, his hatred for me was more then passing, he had no intention of calling me, in fact he even scolded my brother for calling me and telling me that my mother had passed away. If it wasn't for Eric, I still might not even know that anything had happened."
"My mother was an amazing woman, full of
love, emotion, compassion and feelings and strong family roots, She was
the one part of my life that I wish did not leave, and always be there
for me, but I take comfort in knowing she will be there, she will be in
my heart, her voice will be in my mind, and her spirit and bravery, will
be part of my physical being and she will forever, be part of my soul.
I love you mom. I will miss you. Rest in peace."
I looked at my father, whose anger was inflamed, but there was more, he looked scared. I walked down the small flight of stairs from the altar and walked over to the casket, I looked down at my mother and only then did it hit me. She was really gone, she would never be back, and after today, I would never see her again. I kissed her on the forehead and held her cold lifeless hand in my own as my final words still reverberated through the room. My final words to her were very emotional for me and I felt tears escape my eyes and I began to cry.
"Good bye mom, you will always be here, and I will never forget you." I sobbed, and then felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up and over, to see Seth, he smiled at me, I turned to him and I hugged him tightly and sobbed into his shoulder. I could feel the entire rooms eyes on me. Seth told me not to look at them and he whispered in my ear that everything will be okay, and the best thing he told me.
"Your father will NEVER forget this day." He whispered into my ear.
"I know," and with that I continued sobbing. "I can't believe I just did that…"
"Neither can I but I am proud of you."
The rest of the funeral went on uneventfully except for the fact that my father sat there with a look of disgust on his face. Serves him right. When it was over several members of the family came up to me and gave me their condolences again. A few even wished Seth and me the best of luck. It is funny how everyone seems to think that we are an item. Its times like these that make me wonder if we should get back together.
Seth took me out to dinner that night. He even invited Eric and Megan along but they said that they had to go to the funeral dinner that they were having. I really don't remember much of the meal. I couldn't even tell you what restaurant we went to. I was oblivious to the world around me.
We went back to the Apartment and spent most of the evening after that on the couch. We just sat there watching TV. We sat there in such a way that I had my head resting on his lap. He had his hand resting on my chest. I seemed to have forgot how good it felt to be held by him. I think in my heart I want to be with him again. I really missed having him in that way. I don't mean in a sexual way but in a loving way. I miss how he used to hold me. I miss how he used to caress my hair. I miss waking up next to him on occasion. Am I still in love with him? I guess I am.
I fell asleep on the couch only to be awoke about two hours later.
"Spencer it is time for bed."
"Would you sleep in my bed with me again tonight?"
I changed into what I normally wore to bed and hopped under the covers. Seth joined me minutes later. In seconds I was asleep. Rather then the nightmares I had the night before I was having pleasant dreams of my mom and when I was little. I wasn't sad anymore. I mean I was, however I realized that it was better this way. Now mom no longer had to deal with that asshole I call my father.
I awoke with a start.
"Who the hell could that be?" Seth responded due to the knocking on the apartment door. "Don't worry I will answer it."
A few seconds later I got up to see what was going on.
"Who is it?" I yelled from the hall.
I stepped into the living room for what would be the shock that I really didn't need right now.
"Oh my God," was all I could get to come out of my mouth…
To Be Continued
I'd like to point out that it may take a little longer for me to put out part 4. I am in the procees of moving right now and have been reduced to a PC, a TV, my clothes and my bed. So give me at least a month. Please let me know what you think! Send all comments, suggestions and whatnot to Spencer917@hotmail.com. I'll try to reply to all emails. Thanks!